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lil baby anime
Nov 6, 2009



I think my personal favorite is Judge Rules White Girl Will Be Tried As Black Adult

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Rack
Aug 5, 2003

I've misunderstood what a lion is.




Grimey Drawer

These might as well be a two-parter. Clinton Declares Self President-For-Life (2000) | Bill Clinton: 'Screw it, I'm Running for President' (2008)

Non-politically though, I'm partial to this one: Even CEO can't figure out how RadioShack stays in business.

Robert Denby
Sep 9, 2007

ALL ANIMALS CAN SCREAM

I've always been partial to 'Head Deadhead Dead' and 'Amish Give Up: 'This is bullshit,' Elders Say'.

Larch Tote posted:

"Sony Releases New Stupid Piece of poo poo That Doesn't loving Work."
http://www.theonion.com/video/sony-releases-new-stupid-piece-of-poo poo-that-doesnt,14309/

I know from a few friends that this video is insanely popular among ad execs and frequently starts off conferences.

Dr Christmas
Apr 24, 2010

Berninating the one percent,
Berninating the Wall St.
Berninating all the people
In their high rise penthouses!


I like this series of editorials:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/seize-him,16505/
http://www.theonion.com/articles/infidel,16407/
http://www.theonion.com/articles/you-shall-make-an-excellent-queen,16398/
http://www.theonion.com/articles/oh-yes-i-am-still-very-much-alive,16638/
http://www.theonion.com/articles/and-now-for-some-amusement,16640/
http://www.theonion.com/articles/earth-prepare-to-meet-thy-doom,16667/
http://www.theonion.com/articles/my-old-nemesisso-we-meet-again,17647/

Hoons Boon
Aug 31, 2007

Carpetas llenas de mujeres!

http://www.theonion.com/articles/basketball-rolls-to-stop-at-cheneys-foot,2512/

Basketball Rolls To Stop At Dick Cheney's Foot.

Gets me any time. As do any other Dick Cheney ones.

Contingency
Jun 2, 2007

MURDERER

One of the editors visited my school and mentioned this one; I have to agree.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/special-olympics-tball-stand-pitches-perfect-game,25150/

tabris
Feb 17, 2011

by FactsAreUseless


The Onion really is hilarious. But sometimes it just gets really depressing and I have to stop. Like with this editorial, "There was definitely a part during that stoning where we all thought, "Is this weird?"

http://www.theonion.com/articles/there-was-definitely-a-point-during-that-stoning-w,18165/

Or the "I Am So Starving Vs. I Am So Starving" one.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/i-am-so-starving-vs-i-am-so-starving,11541/

I swear. The writers for that paper should get some sort of award.

darkwasthenight
Jan 7, 2011

GENE TRAITOR

I always found the one liner/picture articles funniest. There was a fantastic one around the time the Arab Spring was in full flow that just said "Saudi-Arabian Royal Family say 'Just loving Try It'"

I miss B Smoove too.

Barehanded Brother
Feb 12, 2007

When you have a Hammer, everything looks like a nail.


I came here to post the "Jurisprudence Fetishist" headline too.

My favorite article, though:

Existentialist Firefighter Delays 3 Deaths

zeus juice
Mar 22, 2007
my name rhymes

Couldn't find it on the original site, so here's a mirror:

Study Reveals: Babies Are Stupid

Ratatozsk
Mar 6, 2007

Had we turned left instead, we may have encountered something like this...

Investigators Blame Stupidity In Area Death

I have yet to see something send me into chuckles as consistently as this piece.

Robert Denby
Sep 9, 2007

ALL ANIMALS CAN SCREAM

Here are ten favorites:

Girlfriend Wants To Leave Game Now

Calcutta Fire Marshall Warns Many Indian Homes Lack Bride Extinguisher

Frank Zappa Fan Thinks You Haven't Heard the Right Album

Point-Counterpoint about Sarah Pailin

Google Launches 'The Google' For Older Adults

Obama Delivers Whispered, Untelevised Speech on Gun Control

Senator Mix-a-Lot Sponsors Titties On Glass Legislation

United Airlines Exploring Viability of Stacking Them Like Cordwood

Shooting Suspect Released After Not Breaking Any Arizona Laws

Email From Aunt Accidentally Opened

Lyer
Feb 4, 2008



A really old one I remember reading when I was in college, had no idea the onion was this old. Still funny though:

Christ Returns to NBA

and

Burundi Beef Council: 'Please Send Beef'

Big Grunty Secret
Aug 28, 2007

Just one question, though. Is there a way to take off my pants?

Succession Of Terrible Events Fails To Befall 33-Year-Old Riding Longboard To Digital Media Job

http://www.theonion.com/articles/succession-of-terrible-events-fails-to-befall-33ye,27597/

Good Cop, Bad Cop Both Racist

http://www.theonion.com/articles/good-cop-bad-cop-both-racist,1702/

degauss
Aug 28, 2007

When I get sad, I
stop being sad and
be AWESOME instead.


True story.


HMC posted:

Pitchfork Gives Music 6.8
http://www.theonion.com/articles/pitchfork-gives-music-68,2278/

Daddy Put In Bye-Bye Box
http://www.theonion.com/articles/daddy-put-in-byebye-box,2411/

That one's so good but I can hardly read it. It's so loving brutal.

The first one is one of my favourites that I forgot about, good call. The second, however, started off funny and quickly became the most depressing thing I've ever read

To contribute further, Foster Mom A oval office

http://www.theonion.com/articles/foster-mom-a-oval office,1139/

I love it when the articles are totally biased towards one character's viewpoint.

DeadBonesBrook
May 31, 2011

How do you do, fellow Regis?

http://www.theonion.com/articles/action-figure-fights-on-despite-loss-of-dragon-swo,2653/

My favourite quote : - "I don't have my sword, but I still have my karate," announced Huntarr, who hails from the deepest tracts of the Amazon jungle, yet is somehow versed in Eastern martial arts.

All the 9/11 articles are top notch, like the tv guide Discovery channel line up "What it was like to live a week ago"

Skrill.exe
Oct 3, 2007

"Bitcoin is a new financial concept entirely without precedent."

"School Bully Not So Tough After Being Molested"

No accompanying article.

DashR
Sep 7, 2005



every time I try to read an Onion article a window pops up telling me I have to pay for a subscription. is this some kind of joke?

Secks
Oct 10, 2002

The city is alive tonight


I love the single line headlines.

Haunted Tape Dispenser Unsure How To Demonstrate Hauntedness

Shotgun Blast To Abdomen Just Pisses Wilford Brimley Off More

Perverted Ninja Enjoys Being Seen

Secret Service Not Sure If That Suit Of Armor Was In Oval Office Yesterday

Winner Didn't Even Know It Was Pie-Eating Contest


DashR posted:

every time I try to read an Onion article a window pops up telling me I have to pay for a subscription. is this some kind of joke?

Nothing popping up here.

lidnsya
Nov 14, 2007
<img src="https://fi.somethingawful.com/customtitles/title-lidnsya.jpg"><br>All aboard the sleepy train!


DashR posted:

every time I try to read an Onion article a window pops up telling me I have to pay for a subscription. is this some kind of joke?

Yeah, they've had that paywall for at least a year now. I've been clicking it then quickly ctrl-a, ctrl-c and pasting the text to read them.

Apparently it's only for people outside of the US.

lidnsya has a new favorite as of 23:01 on Mar 15, 2012

Senior Woodchuck
Aug 29, 2006

When you're lost out there and you're all alone, a light is waiting to carry you home


Rumsfeld Hosts No-Holds-Barred Martial Arts Tournament At Remote Island Fortress

http://www.theonion.com/articles/rumsfeld-hosts-noholdsbarred-martial-arts-tourname,1143/

ultrafilter
Aug 23, 2007






My favorite headline has to be Undergraduate Student Under Graduate Student. As far as articles go, Canada, India Sheepishly Resolve Border Dispute is probably their best.

Gringo Heisenberg
May 29, 2009







lidnsya posted:

Yeah, they've had that paywall for at least a year now. I've been clicking it then quickly ctrl-a, ctrl-c and pasting the text to read them.

Apparently it's only for people outside of the US.

I don't get it in Canada at all.

Ema Nymton
Apr 26, 2008

the place where I come from
is a small town


Buglord

As a Penn State Alum who has been ashamed in recent months, I enjoyed The Onion's handling of Joe Paterno, especially Jerry Sandusky: Iíll Never Forget All The Things Joe Paterno Did For Me.

quote:

"I had years of great times at Penn State," Sandusky said. "Years and years of great times. And I owe every minute to Joe Paterno."

Even the day news of Paterno's death broke, The Onion pulled no punches:

Only registered members can see post attachments!

Celery Face
Feb 18, 2012


I'm Canadian and I get that thing blocking the screen.
Lady Gaga Kidnaps Commissioner Gordon.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/lady-gaga-kidnaps-commissioner-gordon,17789/

qa6
Jul 26, 2006

I'll tell ya how I been!
I BIN JUNK!


HeyEng posted:

Anything by Jim Anchower or the Biden news stories.
Biden To Cool His Heels In Mexico For A While

Even though it's not the most biting satire, I love how committed they are to this version of Biden.

White House Infested With Bedbugs After Biden Brings In Recliner Off The Curb

Biden Invokes Freedom Of Information Act To Find Out When Woman Gets Off Work

Biden Requests To Be Named Special Envoy To Reno

Biden Asks White House Visitor If He Wants To Check Out Roof

Shirtless Biden Washes Trans Am In White House Driveway

ultrafilter
Aug 23, 2007






Celery Face posted:

I'm Canadian and I get that thing blocking the screen.
Lady Gaga Kidnaps Commissioner Gordon.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/lady-gaga-kidnaps-commissioner-gordon,17789/

Bandai Recalls Lady Gaga

Jellymouth
Jul 9, 2009


Fun Shoe

FDA urges Americans to check out weird-looking potato.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/fda-urges-americans-to-check-out-weirdlooking-pota,27208/

King Pawn
Apr 24, 2010


Prison Economy Spirals As Price Of Pack Of Cigarettes Surpasses Two Hand Jobs

Explosion Sauce
Dec 18, 2008


Hillary Clinton Threatened By Black Man

Another headline without an article, but the picture was spot on.

HMC
May 18, 2009



If Someone Tried To Burn My Village, I'd Be Like, 'gently caress You'

Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere

Insane Clown Posse Gets Ride To Concert From Mom

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009



Scrappy Band Of Lovable Misfits No Match For Rich Kids

After all those movies in the 80s and 90s with the same premise, this one was hilarious.

d[-.-]b
Aug 1, 2004

my fav champ that hero who cats a spell that make all bad guy fall down and say my dick BIG


Week of 9/11:

'America Stronger Than Ever,' Quadragon Officials Insist

Vicissitude
Jan 26, 2004

You ever do the chicken dance at a wake? That really bothers people.

Local Cop Kills Partner, Vows to Track Self Down

I love the interview quotes, too. "Yeah, it'd be easy to track me down. I know all of my movements and habits. But knowing the system like I do, I'd just be out on bail by the end of the day."

Or something like that.

Torka
Jan 5, 2008



Millions Of Barrels Of Oil Safely Reach Port In Major Environmental Catastrophe

ants on my cum rag
Sep 2, 2011

"Oh God you got the spray gun, DO NOT LOSE IT, you seriously better not screw this up, I'm not kidding"
~~The Battle Hymn of the Contra Tiger Mother~~


I love the time when the onion was "taken over" by a Chinese fishing company. One of the articles during that time:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/grandfather-disrespected-in-own-home,2757/

edit: and a story very close to my heart:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/corruption-in-bosnian-government-reveals-existence,636/

ants on my cum rag has a new favorite as of 11:31 on Mar 16, 2012

Nouvelle Vague
Feb 16, 2011

Endut! Hoch Hech!


This headline always makes me laugh:

Dad's new 20-year old Thai boyfriend sucks at Scattergories

Millions
Sep 13, 2007

Do you believe in heroes?


Point/Counterpoint: Sustainable Energy Solutions Are The Key To Our Country's Economic Future

New Study Finds Blacks More Likely

Ask Sir Mix-A-Lot

Little Clay Thing Bought At Arts Festival

ButterChugger
Oct 12, 2007



Larch Tote posted:

I'm partial to "Sony Releases New Stupid Piece of poo poo That Doesn't loving Work."
http://www.theonion.com/video/sony-releases-new-stupid-piece-of-poo poo-that-doesnt,14309/

Came here to post this one. Working in tech support for tv/internet really makes you wish this wasn't as true as it really is.

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Ema Nymton
Apr 26, 2008

the place where I come from
is a small town


Buglord

"d[-.- posted:

b"]
Week of 9/11:

'America Stronger Than Ever,' Quadragon Officials Insist
Reading The Onion really did make me feel better in those days This headline has always stuck with me:

A Shattered Nation Longs To Care About Stupid Bullshit Again

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