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jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.

This was fantastic, especially if you've ever watched one of the Daily Show videos that ends with him chuckling awkwardly.

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jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.
These Paul Ryan ones have been great.

Your Republican Friend To Explain Why Paul Ryan Is Great Choice

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.
Oh no what happened this morning? :(

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.

Glitterbomber posted:

Shooting in front of the Empire State building.

Just read about it. Jesus Christ.

End non-funny article derail I guess.

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.

Mad_Lion posted:

The problem is, their subtle satire keeps coming true. In order to stay ahead of the game, they have to be increasingly extreme:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/rnc-builds-levee-out-of-poor-people-to-protect-con,29337/?ref=auto

I call that and raise you GOP Convention To Feature Strong Lineup Of Conservative Women Listeners.

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.
Oh this is fantastic.

Libertarian Reluctantly Calls Fire Department

quote:

CHEYENNE, WY—After attempting to contain a living-room blaze started by a cigarette, card-carrying Libertarian Trent Jacobs reluctantly called the Cheyenne Fire Department Monday. "Although the community would do better to rely on an efficient, free-market fire-fighting service, the fact is that expensive, unnecessary public fire departments do exist," Jacobs said. "Also, my house was burning down." Jacobs did not offer to pay firefighters for their service.

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.

Either they're good or I'm a generic white male.

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.

Farmdizzle posted:

23. Delta Air Lines is the worst.

I thought these were opinions and not facts?

Well I could make the argument that United ekes out the win for factually worst.

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.
I'm torn between Public Access and CBS, myself.

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.

Shimrra Jamaane posted:

Was it Bush 1 that literally said in a speech that he would never apologize for any action by America?
Reagan I think.

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.
A modern Romney classic: Romney Stares Uncomprehendingly At $1 Bill

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.
They also replaced "have a beer" with simply "have a drink".

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.

This is the best.

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.
NASA Completes 52-Year Mission To Find, Kill God

quote:

Over the years, officials told reporters, God had proved to be an elusive and formidable foe. In 1986, He destroyed the Challenger shuttle, killing all seven crew members, including Christa McAuliffe, a special operative who had been given orders to seduce and then strangle God with garrote wire. The Lord subsequently blew up the Columbia Destroyer Shuttle on reentry in 2003, and several times sabotaged the Hubble Space Telescope, a large piece of surveillance equipment launched into orbit in 1990 to monitor His activities.

jojoinnit has a new favorite as of 04:13 on Nov 28, 2012

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.
I don't even bother with the sad ones. I don't read The Onion to get depressed.

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.
An old favourite:

New Heart Device Allows Cheney To Experience Love

quote:

"The vice president broke free from the straps that secured him to the bed and lurched at me as he customarily does following a heart procedure," said Reiner. "But instead of trying to strangle me, he wrapped his arms around me in a hug."

quote:

Attending a Monday evening GOP fundraiser at the Washington Convention Center, Cheney was accompanied by David Gillian, 6, a young boy he had previously crippled, and by a small fawn who had followed him to the event.

:allears:

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.

"I swear I totally thought she was 18". Don't over think it

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.

Shimrra Jamaane posted:

Where does the Onion get their photos for their articles? Do they use stock images or do they take specific photos for each thing? I'm curious because I wonder whether the girl in articles like this know what their photo will forever be associated with.

Can't find where I read it but they take the pictures themselves and they generally use regular people who either have interesting faces (American Voices) or good generic faces that can be photoshopped for different articles.

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.

Baron von Eevl posted:

I know that's what they did for the American Voices section, but I'm assuming most shots like this from the above Jessica Milly article are stock photos.

Yup, looks about right: http://www.istockphoto.com/stock-photo-16661633-high-school-cute-schoolgirl-in-hallway.php

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.

Dr_Amazing posted:

Fugitive Doctor Accuses Devlin MacGregor Of Fraud

I'm not sure exactly what it is about this one that really gets me but I love it.

Looks like they imagining a movie plot played out in reality. Or just that episode of Lie to Me.

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.
Bradley Cooper Racks Up Staggering One Oscar Nominations

“This huge haul absolutely demolishes Cooper’s previous personal best of no nominations in 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007, 2006, 2005, and 2004.” Cooper’s big morning comes on the heels of the actor announcing he would be starring in the upcoming half-film, The Hangover Part III.

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.
Michael Phelps Apologizes To Nation After Tasting Subway For First Time

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.
Was this series popular?

Historical Archives: Citizens Are Now Free to Practise Any Form Of Protestantism They Want

quote:

In their infinite Wisdom and Compassion, the Founders of our Young Republic have seen fit to bestow upon we Americans, the Wise and Enlightened Sons of the Re-Formation, the Religious Freedom to practise with out re-percussion, any of the number of austere and unbending Denominations, of PROTESTANTISM that We might choose in the Service of Honouring JESUS CHRIST, our One Lord and Saviour. Be you Anglican, Baptist, Anabaptist, Puritan, or even Pietist, then worry not in regard to having weighty Stones of sharp points cast upon your Person, or your Land salted and your Mule burnt to the ground as is done to the hooked-nose JEW, and allay your fears of being beat'n about the Head and Boddie, covered in Quick-lime, Tarr, and Ground-Glass, and driven into the Sea, as is the much deserv'd Lot of the wicked PAPIST.

Also:

Historical Archives: New York Threatened By O'er-Crowding As Population Climbs To Twelve Thousands

Historical Archives: Alexander Hamilton Challenges Nation To A Duel


jojoinnit has a new favorite as of 02:28 on Jan 29, 2013

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.
The Onion Freely And Happily Gives Its Employees' Passwords To China

quote:

Here are 10 more names and passwords of Onion employees:

Jessica Vaughn: Herbie12

Keith Jackson: 1274beechwood

Samuel Jennings: gul@g@rchipellig0

Deondra Northington: felixx44

Camille Ryan: missTee54

Undine Hurley: april8two08

Ross Bergman: bugsy8908

Ira Heidenrich: 009siam

Joyce Horn: silverstei22@

Brock Campbell: NeviL305

Do with them as you will.

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.
Finally, a quote that uses the picture to the fullest.

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.
In lighter news, annoyed designer-writer is at it again!

Website Humiliating Itself

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.
The House Of B Must Continue

By Smoove B, Love Man

quote:

I've considered taking my nephew under my wing and fashioning him an all-white suit made of the finest silks, taking him to my personal stylist, Ed, and beginning to teach him the ways of Smoove, but even at the age of 8, I can tell the boy has no game.

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.
On a lighter note:

If I Could Have Any Superpower, It'd Definitely Be Invisibility
by Superman

quote:

Can you imagine what it's like to fly over a crowd of people and not have a single one of them look up and point at you? What could be more amazing than that?

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.
Obamas in Israel:

'This Is A Pointless Trip,' Obama Says While Shaking Hands With Netanyahu



Obama Sarcastically Asks How Israel Afforded Such A Great Missile Defense System



Obama, Rachel Goldstein Really Hitting It Off On Group Trip To Israel

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.

Senior Woodchuck posted:

I think they got rid of a lot of pre-2000 articles a while ago. I don't know why, but I do know that I haven't been able to find "Area Bassist Fellated" since at least 2007.

I just saw it linked under the 'More' section from the Eric Bana article: http://www.theonion.com/audio/area-bassist-fellated,30733/

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.
That might be the best obit I've ever read.

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.
This one reads a bit like Philip K Dick:

Residents Of Indiana Join Together To Form Collective Consciousness

quote:

"There are no more mothers or fathers or brothers or sisters," said the single consciousness, an identical smile on the face of each of its human components. "Indiana is mother and father and brother and sister. There is only Indiana."


"Only Indiana," the hive mind added precisely 100 times before again falling silent.

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.
Fast-Talking Computer Hacker Just Has To Break Through Encryption Shield Before Uploading Nano-Virus

quote:

The efficiently executed hacking reportedly began at approximately 6:45 p.m. when Cipher, wearing a tight-fitting black hooded sweatshirt, skintight jeans, and black Converse with no laces, inserted a flash drive into his laptop’s USB port and said “Let the games begin” as an upload bar materialized on the screen.

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.

First time I've seen a spelling error from The Onion.

quote:

and then penetraed the wall of the White House Blue Room

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.
Dzhokar Tsarnaev Finally Moves Off Campus

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.

pkticker posted:

Obama Explains How They Get All Those Cars on the Back of One of Those Trucks

For some reason the picture cracks me up. And the last line is, as usual, golden.

Totally read that in Obamas voice too. Best speech yet.

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.
Looks like someone had to fly spirit recently

FAA Report: Spirit Airlines Is The loving Worst

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.

Because its loving hilarious I'd imagine.

jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.
We really are the best of all possible people.

SpiderHyphenMan posted:

Sponsored Content Pretty loving Awesome
It actually is pretty cool that their sponsors let them do this poo poo.
drat of a final line.

jojoinnit has a new favorite as of 05:15 on May 18, 2013

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jojoinnit
Dec 13, 2010

Strength and speed, that's why you're a special agent.
‘Grand Theft Auto V’ Missions To Focus Largely On Tutoring, Community Outreach

Dont forget the final line.

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