- Smasher Dynamo
- Oct 16, 2008
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Eternal Commissioner of the Super League. A new avatar. A new age, of the same old embittered Smasher that failed to escape the bonds of the SL, FM3, Johnny Hopp and Eri Yoshida "The Knuckle Princess". "The flames of Smasher's ire scorch the skies... Igniting St. Bellhorn's funeral pyre."
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Super-League XXXI, Week 10: Smasher Tested, FDA Approval Pending!
Pungry's Big Adventure, Part Ten posted:
ALPHA et al
B. Network! It's important for small firms to network!
It was decided! The foxes would network!
Scampering out of their den, the foxes decided they would go to event hosted by the Super-League Bar Association. It would be good to meet some other people.
Nervously, as being very small creatures whose teeth, they had learned much to their frustration, were simply too short to do much damage to a human being, unless they hit them in just the right spot, which was difficult given that said right spots tended to loom five or six feet above their heads most of the time.
That nervousness transmuted into agitation when they saw frankenfreak standing at a table, nursing a glass of Eiswein. It was definitely Eiswein. The foxes could smell the unpleasant sweetness of the drink. frankenfreak was a monster. The first time the foxes had met the man, frankenfreak had "shown off" his "football skills" by kicking one of the foxes across the room. That was simply the sort of man he was.
"Well, well, if it isn't the foxes." frankenfreak said, catching sight of them. "Defendants' lead counsel." The foxes knew frankenfreak had wanted to take on the position of lead counsel for himself, not so much because he believed in the cause, a man like frankenfreak believed in nothing, but because of the fees he thought it would earn. The owners of the Super-League knew this, and had chosen the foxes as a result. frankenfreak had not taken it well, going so far as to file a half-baked Motion to Disqualify Plaintiff's counsel as an attempt to prove that he was the superior attorney.
It was a foolish endeavor. Either the motion was pointless, in which case it was a waste of time, or else whatever version of habeasdorkus was representing the plaintiff also had a motive to try and sabotage the case, in which case they were better off with him as counsel than as some independent party who wasn't conflicted. The foxes had tried to explain this to frankenfreak on multiple occasions, going so far as to resort to using puppets to demonstrate the logic, but it had made no difference.
"I'd offer you a glass." frankenfreak said, swirling his Eiswein, "but I know that you foxes have difficulties with grapes." That was not entirely true, or, at least, not the real issue. The bigger problem was that the amount of alcohol in the wine would be a lethally high amount given the combined volume of the foxes, no more than 12 pounds combined. For that matter, the smell alone was enough to turn the foxes off the drink.
"It's unfortunate the owners of the Super-League decided to go with such an untested option." frankenfreak continued. "A clever lawyer like habeasdorkus, there's no telling how much damage he could do to an unwary opponent. It's something you should be aware of, given your relative lack of experience." The foxes seethed. There was a lot they would like to have said back to frankenfreak at that moment, but were hamstrung by the fact that, as foxes, they lacked vocal cords. "But hey, maybe this case is just what you need to kickstart your career." frankenfreak mimed kicking with his foot, an action the foxes were all to familar with.
What will the foxes do?
A. Bear the insults with stoicism!
B. Bite his ankles! Their teeth may be small, but it might be enough to gouge out the achilles tendon!
C. Mock frankenfreak with puppets!
D. Nap!
DELTA
D. Turn the radio on his nightstand to 86.7 KKIX: The Thunder > Buy a new radio! A better radio! > Attempt to listen to the HulkaChannel! > McFreeze has been dead for five year! > WAIT! There is a logical inconsistency here! > Keep looking for a new radio! > Learn about the human pancreas! > I will note trust craigk!
"Wait a minute!" Pungry said. "This is exactly the sort of thing that Smasher warned me about!" Pungry took out a notecard on which he had written down some advice that Smasher had given him before the season started.
Smasher Dynamo posted:
Yet here, Pungry! Aboard, aboard, for shame!
The wind sits in the shoulder of your sail,
And you are stay'd for. There; my blessing with thee!
And these few precepts in thy memory
See thou character. Give thy thoughts not tongue
Nor any unproportined thought his act
Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.
Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried
Grapple them to they soul with hoops of steel;
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatch'd unfledged comrade. Beware!
Of entrance to a quarrel but being in,
Ber't that the opposed may beware of thee
Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice
Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy
But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy
For the apparel oft proclaims the man,
And they in the Sub-Par League of the best rank and station
Are of a most select and generous chief in that.
Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry
This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell: my blessing seasons this in thee!
"And then Smasher got stabbed when he was hiding behind a curtain." Pungry said.
"What?" craigk asked.
"Wait, I'm thinking of Polonius." Pungry said.
"Okay." craigk said.
"Either way, I'm pretty sure that I need my pancreas to live." Pungry said. "I'm pretty sure it does something. I don't think I would have an organ that is working against my other organs."
"You've never heard of a counter-organ?" craigk asked.
"I have not!" Pungry said.
"In certain ancient societies, it was understand that a man's organs were at war with each other, and it was their constant struggle that kept a person alive! The pancreas is one of the counter-organs constantly trying to fight your good organs." craigk pivoted.
"Right!" Pungry said. "No, wait, wrong. You just said that my organs fighting each other was what kept me alive. So, if I remove my pancreas, it disrupts that fight, which I apparently need to live."
"Okay." craigk stopped for a moment to think, "The issue is that your organs are out of balance, and so the counter-organs are currently fighting too well againt your normal organs, so you need to remove your pancreas in order to rebalance things."
"But what if things end up shifting in the other directions? I don't think it's sustainable in the long run to keep removing organs." Pungry said. "I think I need at least some organs."
"Right." craigk said. "Well, we could always add more organs. I think I can get you a good deal on a couple of extra kidneys."
"Go on." Pungry said.
"All it will cost you is a Super-Draft pick!" Craigk said.
What will Pungry do?
A. Trade craigk his Super-Draft pick for extra kidneys (note: may be binding)
B. Do not make that trade!
ZETA
C. Turn the radio on his nightstand to 86.7 KKIX: The Thunder > Buy a new radio! A better radio! > No price is too high to get radio play-by-play for the Florida Panthers! > Grab a can of Fresca from the fridge! > When Pungry said no price was too high, he meant it! TO THE FOREVER WAR! > PEACE TALKS! > Disband the Carolina Hurricanes instead, and see if the enemy notices > Wait, go back in time and have the Canucks actually win the cup in 2011! That's probably easier!
Yaya saw the blue energy crackle and fade away as the time vortex closed. He had made it. 2011. The time had come to set things right and prevent a horrifying hell-future.
"Hello, Yaya." Yaya saw Pungry standing in front of him.
"I see." Yaya said.
"The thing about time travel is that once time is no longer linear, all bets are off." Pungry explained.
"I won't let you destroy the Canucks." Yaya said. "It's not happening." He raised the Stick of Bure. "Never."
"If the Canucks must die so the Panther can live, so be it." Pungry said. "Good thing about your treasures is that they'll work just as well as relics for the Panthers. After all, who better to represent the Panthers' proud history than Pavel Bure and Roberto Luongo?"
Yaya snapped, and charged Pungry, swiping at him with his stick, "The Panthers have no history!"
Pungry side-stepped and then tripped Yaya, sending him to the ground, "The history of the Panthers is the history of the NHL."
Yaya jumped back to his feet and jabbed Pungry in the face with his blocker, "It's a history of hubris!" Yaya smashed Pungry in the arm with his stick, "A history of selfishness!"
Pungry managed to catch the stick with his arm, and head-butted Yaya, sending him reeling and forcing him to drop the stick of Bure, "Sacrifices must be made. The Canucks are nothing more than that. A necessary sacrifice for the greater good."
Yaya saw the world spinning around him. "Why is it..." he struggled to put the words together, "Why is it that the sacrifices are always the Nordiques, and the Whalers, and the North Stars and the original Jets?"
Pungry snapped a quick punch to Yaya's face, sending him back to the ground. "Because the future is in the sunbelt. That is the will of Bettman. It is not your place to question him."
Yaya felt nothing but pain. He was failing the Canucks. He wondered if that is what Trevor Linden felt like all the time. He was pretty sure it did. Yaya slowly rose to his feet. "The sunbelt has no future."
"Everyone's moving to Texas. No state income tax." Pungry said. "Maybe we won't kill the Canucks. Maybe we'll just move them to Austin. Edward Mass would enjoy that, I think."
Yaya bared his teeth. "Edward Mass can go to hell!" Yaya dodged another punch from Pungry, and retrieved the Stick of Bure. With a wild swing, he connected the blade with Pungry's skull, staggering him. "And you can go to hell!" Yaya hit him again. "And the Ducks, and the Predators, and the Coyotes," Yaya kept hitting Pungry, "and the Lightning and the Hurricanes, and the Kings, and the Stars and especially the Panthers." Yaya continued the assault, "Hockey is a game on ice. It is meant to be played where there is ice! STOP STEALING OUR loving GAME!" Yaya finished his attack as Pungry lay in a pool of his own blood.
Yaya stopped to catch his breath. "Okay." Having taken care of that, he now just needed to stop the Bruins. All he'd need is a picture of a loving gay couple, and that would probably be enough to cause Tim Thomas' head to explode, which should solve things. As he wondered where he could get such a thing, his attention was drawn by pained laughter. He turned and saw it was coming from Pungry. "What's so funny?"
"Time travel." Pungry said. "I came to 2011 a couple of days ago. I had a quick trip to Chicago before I came here."
"What?" Yaya asked.
"It's June 2011. Do you know what that means?" Pungry asked.
Yaya had an idea, but didn't want to verbalize it. "What did you do?"
Pungry, with some difficulty, produced a small remote control. "I press this device, Smasher Dynamo's computer gets wiped. The Super-League gets erased before it starts. Maybe Smasher would go the extra mile once he had some skin in the game, but in June 2011? He's not going to go out of his way to resurrect some half-formed idea."
"That's insane." Yaya said.
"There is no price too high to protect the Florida Panthers." Pungry said.
What will Yaya do?
A. Call Pungry's Bluff (Note: May Destroy the Super-League Retroactively)
B. Surrender!
THETA
C. Turn the radio on his nightstand to 86.7 KKIX: The Thunder > Infiltrate the Indie Folk-Rock Scene to destry from within > The banjo > Venture in the Prog Crypt of mrnoun for relics! > The starry path! > Remember what he is here for, and get the relics! > Do not activate the orb. > Spike the orb on the ground dramatically!
Pngri, in the spirit of celebration, spiked the orb of multiversal destruction right onto the ground as hard as he could.
While the device was not fully armed, and so did not destroy the entire multiverse, it sure as hell destroyed the timeline it exploded in.
PNGRI-THETA IS DEAD...or is he?
IOTA
D. Acquire a pet kitten > Attempt to defuse tensions with an emotional dance > Dance a dance of grief > Suborn frankenfreak with Friendship Gyros > Write a letter explaining why you are currently a Riddle Joker, because frankenfreak is probably going to be freaked out otherwise! > Arrange an intervention, fearing for Pungry's sanity > Resolve to make a change! > All of the above! It's a conspiracy!
"I see it now!" Pungry said. "It's a conspiracy! Yaya, working together with habeasdorkus, and there's probably some Sub-Par Stooge working on the inside!"
"What?" frankenfreak said. "Who told you there was a conspiracy? It was those foxes, wasn't it? Those damned foxes."
"What?" Pungry said.
"Yes! I admit it! habeasdorkus and I are working together on a multiversal class action suit to bring the Super-League to its knees!" frankenfreak stood up dramatically. "And the best part? Our patsies? A half-dozen dead Pungries!"
"My god." CattMarp said. "Does your depravity know no bounds?"
"It knows some bounds. But these actions are within those bounds." frankenfreak said.
"Wait, didn't Pungry accuse me of being in the conspiracy?" Yaya asked. "Would being part of this conspiracy help my team's record, because if so, I'm in."
"No, you can't be part of the conspiracy, because part of the conspiracy is that habeasdorkus uses the leverage we gain from the class action suit to finish third in the division, which, given how things are going, means that your team needs to finish last." frankenfreak said.
"Well, now that you've admitted to the conspiracy, we can foil it!" Yaya said.
"Not likely." frankenfreak said. "It's a multiversal conspiracy. Unless you can leave this timeline, which you can't, you have no means of stopping us. Although I suppose of Yaya-Zeta does call the bluff of Pungry-Zeta, we might all be erased. Of course, Yaya-Zeta is just as much of a coward as Yaya-Iota, so I suppose there's nothing worry about there."
"Wait, which Yaya am I?" Yaya asked.
"Yaya-Iota." frankenfreak rolled his eyes. "I was insulting you."
"How would I know what timeline I'm in?" Yaya shot back. "I didn't know it was a multiversal thing until a minute ago."
"And that lack of knowledge is why I don't fear you." frankenfreak. "Fools. Nothing can stop us now!"
The fabric of space then opened up, and Pngri-Theta and Pander CIV tumbled out. "I don't think you should've spiked that orb." Pander CIV said.
"It seemed like a good idea that the time Pngri-Theta said, wiping some debris off his clothes with his auxiliary forearm. "Looks like DannoBot didn't make it, though."
"And nothing of value was lost!" Pander CIV said before noticing the people in front of him. "Oh, hey, an intervention."
"Is that...a Rocket Raccoon cosplayer?" Yaya asked.
"What? No." Pander CIV said defensively. "I'm a tanuki, mostly. It's complicated. The future is complicated. I won't be taking any more questions on this."
"You?" frankenfreak looked alarmed. "How did you cross the timelines?"
"We definitely did it on purpose." Pander CIV said. "Definitely. We're smart."
"We're not dumb." Pngri-Theta agreed.
"Hah!" Pungry-Iota said. "Looks like my reinforcements have arrived! And, while I know who they are, now they will introduce themselves for your sake. Since I already know who they are."
"I'm Pngri." Pngri-Theta said. "I have wandered the wastes for over 2000 years. Some days I wonder if I'm even human. Although, given the sheer number of cybernetic and bio-implants in my body, probably leaning towards 'not human'."
"I'm Pander CIV, the latest and best descendant of the legendary Pander dynasty." Pander CIV said. "And this whole thing could have been avoided if you had given me the orb."
"You would have used it for evil!" Pngri-Theta said.
"You spiked it on the ground and destroyed our entire universe!" Pander CIV said. "What could I have done that's worse?"
"Wait." Pungry-Iota said, "We have bigger problems.
What will Pungry and Pngri do?
A. Thwart Frankenfreak!
B. Record a battle-rap to announce the formation of the Pungry/Pngri team!
LAMBDA
D. Acquire a pet kitten > Attempt to defuse tensions with an emotional dance > Dance a dance of grief > Prove them all wrong with the GREATEST DANCE! > Let's try dancing just one more time! To be sure! > Clearly, the problem is your shoes. Acquire better shoes! > Stop for lunch! > Smasher Dynamo, do you take me for a fool? Do you think I do not understand the game we are playing? You know drat well what the answer is. You know drat well what the answer has always been! Pungry will get gyros!
"I will go get a gyros!" Pungry said. "Do you know what a gyros is, ginge?"
"There are Greek people in England." ginge said, "And even if there weren't, I've been in the Super-League for a very long time."
"Oh. Hey, why do you hate Harry Potter?" Pungry asked.
"Lots of reasons." ginge said, "England already has enough of a TERF-Island thing going on and-"
"What's a TERF?" Pungry asked. "Also, can you phrase your answer in the form of a musical number."
"No." ginge said. "There will not be a musical interlude on my watch. But to answer your question, it's an acronym that stands for "Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist"."
"But feminism is good!" Pungry said.
"Well, yes, but in this case, they're not really after feminism so much as trying to disguise their transphobia." ginge said. "The point is, it's not the sort of thing I want associated with my country. And everyone associates JK Rowling with England because she wrote 10,000 pages about a magical boarding school that is basically what all of you think of when you think about England. And there's more to England than that. Like post-industrial stagnation. And rain. And football."
"Football? But the NFL only plays two or three games in London each season!" Pungry said.
ginge narrowed his eyes. "Get out."
*****
Pungry had no time for more of ginge's grumpiness, however, it was time for him to get a gyros! According to Super-League lore, if an owner successfully got a gyros, he would gain happiness and prosperity.
Bursting through the doors of Stavros' Gyros and Other Delights, Pungry marched over to the counter. "I will take a gyros!" He said.
"Ah, yes, very good." Stavros said. "You are now the Sub-Par League Commissar, yes?"
"Yeppers!" Pungry said.
"So the Yaya? He is dead now?" Stavros asked.
"I don't know if he's dead. I mean, the World Warriors appear to be dying, and there's really no way to distinguish between his posts and the posts that would be made via a DethBook-created bot, but..." Pungry considered the idea, "He might be dead. There's no way to know."
"That is a shame. The Yaya was not a good man, but he was not the worst man. There are worse. In any event, I will get you your gyros, but before I do, I can offer services as back-up writer, just like I did for the Super-League." Stavros said. "All payments are under the table. I will not pay taxes to Greek Government. They cannot be trusted."
"But wait a minute, Mr. Stavros, doesn't the Greek government need tax revenue to survive?" Pungry asked.
"It is fine." Stavros said. "Now, with gyros, what is your side dish?"
What will Pungry get as a side dish?
A. French fries!
B. Onion rings (add $0.50)!
C. Baked Potato!
D. Rice!
MU
A. Turn the radio on his nightstand to 86.7 KKIX: The Thunder > Buy a new radio! A better radio! > Attempt to listen to the HulkaChannel! > McFreeze has been dead for five year! > WAIT! There is a logical inconsistency here! > Buy a glove to cover his metal hand! > ALL OF THE COLORS! > Play video games!
Okay, well, then...
What video game will Pungry play?
A. Trails of Cold Steel IV!
B. Pokemon Sword!
C. Zero Time Dilemma!
D. Ultima IX!
XI
Okay, let's clarify something, because there seems to be some confusion.
First of all, when I say 50 votes, it has to be legit votes. If you're spending money on alt accounts to try and gimmick the voting totals, it's not going to count. And, for that matter, if you're willing to spend money on that, why not just send me the money? If someone is going to be making money off this situation, it really ought to be me, and not whoever owns this forum and is presumably running it into the ground. There will be no pay-to-win option here, under any circumstances.
That's thing one.
Second, we had three votes in the CYOA when I started writing this update. Three. So, in addition to not being particular worried about you reaching 50 votes, especially since that's more than the number of owners in the Super-League and Sub-Par League combined, and if you count all of the lurkers in the thread, you end up with zero.
But let's back up for a minute. How would that therapy session go?
"So, Smasher, what are you doing here? Also, I find it troubling that you have asked me to address you by a name you use on the internet instead of your real name." The therapist says.
"Well, the nerds in the thread made me do it, even though they will not loving spend five loving minutes engaging with the entertainment I am giving them for loving free, and instead, when they post, are generally limiting their posts to complaining about how their latest dumb roster moves didn't work out instantly, and therefore prove that the system is rigged against them or something." I say.
"Smasher, how long have you been running the Super-League?" The therapist asks.
"I don't know. Sometimes I feel as though I've been doing it forever, and I really died a long time ago, and I was sent to hell, and my eternal punishment is just having to continue living my life forever. But assuming that is not the case, about a decade." I say.
"I see." The therapist makes some quick notes. "What do you hope to get out of the Super-League?"
"I don't know. I thought I knew once, but I'm not sure that was right. And I think at this point I'm almost scared to stop." I say.
"I see." The therapist makes some more notes. "But afraid of what? If no one is reading your writing now, you cannot get less than zero, now can you?"
"That's a good point." I say. "Maybe I should stop."
"Let's not be hasty." The therapist says. "I think the larger problem is why the Demon Hunters are playing so poorly this season."
"What?" I ask.
"They're a good team. They should be doing better. I think you should reflect on what has gone wrong with the sim to make the Demon Hunters bad, and then fix it." The therapist says.
I looked carefully at the therapist. "Wait, are you just TheMcD with a fake mustache? Why would you wear a fake mustache when I don't even know what you look like to begin with?"
"drat!" TheMcD says, his ruse revealed, "But since I'm here anyway, I have a half-dozen more lineup changes I'd like you to put in before the next sim."
And that is why therapy is pointless. Because all therapists are TheMcD is disguse.
Games of the Week
The Warriors almost got the sweep. And then they didn't. Story over.
I don't think the Government Dogs are necessarily good, but a team must win this division. It is literally impossible that no team wins the division.
Do you all not see it yet? Do you not understand now that it is too late for all of you? The advent of the Deck Chairs has come. Nothing can stop them now.
The Doom sometimes make it look very, very hard.
Team Statistics
Standings
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Aug 25, 2021 04:43
