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Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

Derp I honestly cannot remember my rationale for not putting breaks in there. But there was one. Ah yes. All the better to messily put out the judges judging eyes with.

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Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW


Free burgers are an acceptable excuse. But yes, I'd love to see your comments, especially because it was the first poem I've written since 2007.

Bassetking
Feb 20, 2008

And it is, it is a glorious thing, to be a Basset King!


quote:


Hot wind stirs powd'ry dust around my boots
My fingers ungloved on hot black plastic
Barking death in my sunburned hands I scan
No enemy seen to shed his lifeblood

First line reads well. You might want to try re-arranging some of the material; and think about making use of some more descriptive terms. "Hot wind stirs" owns. Really works to put the piece in place. "Up 'Round" instead of "Around" gives a gusting, shoving, pressing inflection to the action of the wind.

Ungloved is a little awkward in the scansion, though. Maybe replacing it with "Bare" and then making up the syllable deficit on your adjective in that line?
"My Fingers Bare on skybaked black plastic", or something.

Words such as "in", especially to modify a first person possessive just chews up syllabic space; and in a blank-verse iamb-format, you've got sparse enough space in which to work. Think about something such as "Barking death; I, with sunburnt hands, do scan"

quote:

Bloodlust burns in my eyes like fever heat
Seeking a threat among drab ragged robes

"in" again. Metaphor is stronger than similie; the poem will denote that it's your eyes by dint of you saying it. "My eyes burn with Bloodlust's haze-fevered heat".

quote:

Bloodlust cords my lean dry muscles like whips
My fingertip strokes the hot steel trigger
That first line, there? Cords like whips? Well done, sir.

quote:

A little girl looks up at me, she smiles
Her dark hair loose bouncing around her face
When she becomes a woman grown, a shroud
Black cloth masking her personality

I see my niece in her sweet curls and smile
My blood is cooled, my lust is doused like flame
At peace I wave and smile back at the girl

My heart is still, I walk among people
Going about their little mundane lives
I see no enemy waits here for me
And thoughts of home rise up against my will
The fight will come another loud red day

The choice to leave out punctuation is solid. I respect that choice. You might find some additional punch in semi-colons and hyphens, though. The denotation of pause being ascribed can be as powerful as the words you use.

"I see my niece in her sweet curls and smile." This is a GREAT line.
"I see my niece in her - sweet curls and smile." takes that line, and forces a moment of inspection. It directly ascribes the attributes to the girl, draws the parallel with your niece, and forces the reader to actually place the pause in their own reading, drawing that picture inside their own mind.

It's good stuff. It really comes off as solid, personal, and heartfelt. A little polish, and it could be even better.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


Results

It's been a very up and down week here at Thunderdome VII but we're at the last stretch. The judges were pretty much unanimous and so, coming out a triumphant first place, our first-ever second-time winner is budgeinspector who made us laugh, cry, then swear never to vote again.

Close but no cigar, the trailing pack of runners-up consisted of sebmojo, wrageowrapper and black griffon. Special award for most-improved goes to chairchucker. May your scars one day bring you victory, little dude. Special other award for better-joke-entry-post-submission-that's-better-than-his-actual-entry and for having the sheer gigantic, dangly, brass balls to write a sestina after I said I hated them goes to toanoradian.

On the other side of the coin, with terrible pseudo-anime swill that made us pour bleach in our eyes and drink the runoff, it's kangaroojunk.

The other judges will get back their thoughts in their own time. Fanky is writing her's in haiku and I think Bad Seafood may be trying free verse (indiscriminate swearing).

Thank you for your time and effort (hah!) and I promise never to give a poetry prompt ever again. budgie, hit up Eric Shawn-Bohner to discuss next week.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW


Again I mount my skull throne, still slightly scented with the stench of boiled-egg flatulence. On my right hand, there is the noble budgieinspector who shall hold my beer. But alas, I find myself bereft of companionship on the left, the one who is to "and watch this" as "this" would entail my doing wheelie donuts on a dirt bike.

Heavy is the brow that bears this crown.

LIGHTNING ROUND TO DECIDE THIRD JUDGE

Of those that have been with us since the beginning, there have been three two that have not judged and were given special accolades in Week VII. That would be wrageowrapper, Black Griffon, and toanoradian. You three two may compete to be the judge for the coming week.

You have approximately 12 hours from this post. The word limit is 200 words. I want a vignette relating to the theme of lusting for power. That which Budgie and I like best shall be the next judge (or if I don't get in contact with budgie by that time, I'll decide unilaterally).

As a caveat, only submit if you think you have time and dedication to judge this week.

Hop to it.

toanoradian
May 30, 2011

The happiest waffligator



Well, poo poo. This doesn't bode well. Or maybe it'll be a silly thing, like prehistoric romance.

Whatever it is, I am staying in Thunderdome.

Good luck, wrageowrapper and Black Griffon. My money's on Black G-unit.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW


toanoradian posted:

Well, poo poo. This doesn't bode well. Or maybe it'll be a silly thing, like prehistoric romance.

Whatever it is, I am staying in Thunderdome.

Just caught that and remembered. So many judges. So many weeks.

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


Well what do you know.

Surreptitious and I picked the same bad hat.

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

I think Bad Seafood may be trying free verse (indiscriminate swearing).
Wasn't. Am now.

Dr. Kloctopussy
Apr 22, 2003


Mine was quarter-assed at most.

At some point, I might try to write what I originally planned (The Ultra-Top-Secret Adventures of Missy May, Part 1) in a more kid-friendly structure.

kangaroojunk
Aug 17, 2012

THUNDERDOME LOSER

Thank you, thank you! (takes bow, probably to boos, but with a big smile)

To illicit so much disgust and hate, that was sort of the intent. So, success?

And, I am still laughing here, I don't know what people hate more: The perversion OR that the initial idea stemmed from watching an episode of anime. That just the mention of the inspiration being anime based, not that the entire entry was based on anime, warrants negative points is hilarious. Don't really watch anime, so just surprised.

Again, thank you, thank you. I will be taking the dubious honor of loser with great pride, happy to stand out amongst the calls from the wilderness that is the internet and relieved to be rid of the newbie/baby badge.

I'll be back, though, hungry for a victory next time. I may be down and bloodied, apparently dead, weapon two arm lengths away, the victor bellowing over my body. No one notices the slight of hand, the shiv produced from a boot. Face down, I smile a smile that no one sees. Bide my time, find an opening, to live is to win.

Dr. Kloctopussy
Apr 22, 2003


Suggestion: kangaroojunk's punishment for losing is zero further recognition for losing and no custom avatar.

toanoradian
May 30, 2011

The happiest waffligator


That's evil, Dr. Kloctopussy. Not just mean, evil!

kangaroojunk
Aug 17, 2012

THUNDERDOME LOSER

To lose is to shame one's clan. A shame that will only be washed in the blood of one's enemies.

Until next time, then.

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW


Settle down kids, just some good clean panty raider mock poetry. Let's keep the SJW and PYF whateverthefuck bullshit out of here please.

Back to writing and BLOOD!

budgieinspector
Mar 24, 2006

According to my research,
these would appear to be
Budgerigars.



toanoradian posted:

Well, poo poo. This doesn't bode well. Or maybe it'll be a silly thing, like prehistoric romance.



I predict that one of you will break under this week's challenge. Who will it be? Look to the goon above you, then to the goon below. Do they look tired? A bit frayed around the edges, perhaps?

Death is listening, and will take the first man that screams.

Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

The man was stunningly well dressed. He had a smart looking jacket, and a really neat looking cape, the lining of which was shimmering and sparkling in more than Oriental splendour, which is a great deal of splendour indeed, just ask Kipling.

Huzzah! Less terrible than previous weeks!

toanoradian
May 30, 2011

The happiest waffligator



What

What am I supposed to take from that

That wriggly green butt

Black Griffon
Mar 12, 2005

Now, in the quantum moment before the closure, when all become one. One moment left. One point of space and time. I know who you are.

You are destiny.


In a few minutes, Erik will try again. Last time, he failed, but so did Bud. Blue, blue, blue. Blue skies, blue ocean reflecting skies. Seared into retinas and inescapable as the ocean. Their entire world a little lifeboat, all they possess.

The first time he tried, he'd lost every ounce of strength he gained from stale rainwater and skinny fish. This time it'll be different. This is his kingdom, and Bud is in his way. Salt covers skin, lungs, heart, veins. It's embedded in him, first obstacle on the way to the throne. He moves arm; it creaks with the layer of salt, shudders and fades. The red raw leather which has replaced his skin loses feeling like a river trickling away. Bud doesn't move.

Some time passes, a second or an hour. Erik is at Bud's side. He stabs with the fishing knife, has to fall on it before it pierces skin. Bud doesn't bleed, doesn't move. Erik laughs, dislodges flakes of salt from his throat and throws up raw, rusty blood. Falls over and lays still. His tiny throne sits solitary on the blue.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW


Looks like winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Pop us a PM Black Griffon.

Stuporstar
May 5, 2008

Where do fists come from?


Between kayaking on the ocean and reading the unabridged The Count of Montecristo, which has been on my to-read pile for ages, I haven't had time to peek in the Dome, but it looks like you've made a royal hash of it. All part of my nefarious plan. When I return you shall all love me the greater. Mwahaha!

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

My personal judgements below. These are (very roughly) ranked in order of how much I liked them with almost everything in the middle being "not-winner-or-loser-th equal". If you're near the bottom, may Fanky and Seafood have mercy upon you.

Sebmojo
“his mission clear; yet perilous in kind.”
^ a loving great iambic line. Cool rhymes,
great flow, v fun to read. My second place.


I'll take that! Budgie's was a satisfactory poem to lose to.

I've carved a set of ten dots and dashes into my chest with a paring knife to remind me about proper stresses - a bunch of the lines in mine were offbeat.

In for the next one, whatever it is.

Fanky Malloons
Aug 21, 2010

Is your social worker inside that horse?


Prepare yourselves for some devastating haiku critiques:

budgieinspector
Very topical
I think Detroit would approve
Do wigs count as hats?

Black Griffon
An epic journey
Even though your hats were wrong
I still think: awesome

sebmojo
Lasers, robots, woah
An enjoyable cadence
Shocking twist, that bird!

Wrageowrapper
Historical stuff
But these hats were not silly
Needs more strumpets

Jonked
A unicorn hat!
Hip, but it still mostly works
Just sort of ends though

Sitting Here
Hobo poetry
Blood and gore and anticlimax
So many commas

Noah
A promising trout
With dystopian setting
Yet something's missing

Jon Joe
Oh, enjambement
Have you never heard the term?
Hat bomb all your stops

Dr. Klocktopussy
A gruesome warning
Good rhymes, although late (and rushed?)
I am also bored

Chairchucker
Although comedic
This papal anomaly
Still made me want death

toanoradian
You have no rhythm
Syntactically awkward
But, a bonus hat!

Bear Sleuth
Rats and D&D
A wall of text with no breaks
It's okay, I guess

Bassetking
Your hat choice was poor
But rhyming couplets saved it
You were late, gently caress you

Kangaroojunk
Another late one
And a gross panty sniffer
You are disgusting

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Cowboy poetry
Deep and meaningful for spew
But you can't win, so

Martello
This is some real talk
But a burqa barely counts
How many goblets?

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW


We have a treat for you, boys and girls. I hope you enjoy

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


I probably should've explained enjambment at the start, too. A problem with almost all the poems was that they treated every single line as a discrete sentence.

If you break it up where
the rhythm let you break
it, it flows much better
than ending each line with a period regardless of flow.

toanoradian
May 30, 2011

The happiest waffligator


Fanky Malloons posted:

toanoradian
You have no rhythm
Syntactically awkward
But, a bonus hat!

Which of the three hats I mentioned is the bonus hat?

Also I agree that my poem is pretty much poo poo.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW


Thunderdome Week VIII: Martello's Girlfriend Said, "I'm late!"

JUDGES: Black Griffon, budgieinspector, Erik Shawn-Bohner.

Some of you have been complaining that we're going too easy on you. Well, how about we pick up the pace a little bit for this interesting little prompt. Something topical, something strange. A short little look into the lives of a pair of twins.

http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/201...found-dead?lite

quote:

The sheriff's department in El Dorado County broke protocol this week and released the names of two deceased residents without notifying their relatives.

The problem is they can't find any relatives of the twin sisters who were found dead inside their South Lake Tahoe home last week.

The bodies were discovered on Feb. 27, according to the sheriff's department. Authorities say they most likely died within a short time of one another of natural causes. They had been dead for several weeks before they were discovered, according to reports.

The sheriffs haven't been able to locate the next of kin of the women. Apparently throughout their lives, they always listed each other on all official forms.

IMPORTANT NOTES:

1) The names have been changed to protect the innocent: They are now Lucy and Darcy. You are writing their history.
2) All the info applicable to this prompt is in the quote above. The rest of the article doesn't need to be included, but it's there since it's based on a true story.
3) Pick an appropriate period of their life to write about (1939-2012) and create a story about our now fictional Lucy and Darcy's life--not their birth or death but something in between. The story must make sense for the time period you've chosen, so they can't have an iPad in 1960. Do your research into time periods and make sure everything makes sense.
4) Make sure it's interesting. You have some creative license in what you have them doing, so take advantage of that so long as it's not out of the ball-park implausible.

Task: Write an interesting short about one period in the lives of these two twins.
Length: 1500 words or fewer.
Signup Deadline: Tuesday, Sep. 25, 10:00PM EDT
Submission Deadline: Thursday, Sep. 27, 10:00PM EDT

WARNING: Those who don't sign up this week are very likely to regret it. We have big plans for you, boys and girls.

If some dummy leaks it or you figure out what our plan is through the subtle hints I'm dropping/will be dropping, keep your trap shut.

Roll Call of the Damned:

toanoradian
sebmojo
Canadian Surf Club
HiddenGecko
Sitting Here
Noah
Capntastic
Bassetking
Jimson
Autumncomet
Jonked
Chairchucker
Wrageowrapper
The Saddest Rhino
Impermanent
Benagain
Bad Seafood
Dr. Kloctopussy
SurreptitiousMuffin
Y Kant Ozma Post
Seldom Posts
swaziloo
LordVonEarlDuke

Also Participating Because I'm Forcing Them To:
budgieinspector
Black Griffon
Erik Shawn-Bohner
Martello

Judge not, that ye be not judged.

Black Griffon
Mar 12, 2005

Now, in the quantum moment before the closure, when all become one. One moment left. One point of space and time. I know who you are.

You are destiny.


Oh hey, I'm a judge, which means I can ask you how the gently caress you managed to put the same date on signup and submission.

And you can't dock me no points, hombre.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW


Black Griffon posted:

Oh hey, I'm a judge, which means I can ask you how the gently caress you managed to put the same date on signup and submission.

And you can't dock me no points, hombre.

-10 points on your next submission I judge since it's clearly not the same date.

toanoradian
May 30, 2011

The happiest waffligator


I want to register for this week's competition, my good jolly judges!

Also, the bit about 'they always listed each other on all official forms' is a bit confusing. What it's trying to say is that one of the twins listed the other twin as their next of kin. So Darcy would write Lucy as their next of kin and vice versa.

Fanky Malloons
Aug 21, 2010

Is your social worker inside that horse?


toanoradian posted:

Which of the three hats I mentioned is the bonus hat?

Also I agree that my poem is pretty much poo poo.

I know, I even gave you an extra bonus point for writing a blank-verse complaint and you still came out near the bottom.

The bonus hat was the ushanka. You're lucky though, because a ushanka was also the unbonus hat, it just depended on the context in which it was used.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

IN

Canadian Surf Club
Feb 15, 2008

Word.


I'm in

HiddenGecko
Apr 15, 2007

You think I'm really going
to read this shit?


All in, full monty, total package.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

In.

Noah
May 31, 2011

Come at me baby bitch


In as well.

Capntastic
Jan 13, 2005

A dog begins eating a dusty old coil of rope but there's a nail in it.

Fallen Rib

In it to twin it.

Bassetking
Feb 20, 2008

And it is, it is a glorious thing, to be a Basset King!


I'm in, I'm in; to suffer for my sin.

JimsonTheBetrayer
Oct 13, 2010

Game's over, and fuck you Jimson. It's not my fault that you guys couldn't get your shit together by deadline. No one gets access to docs because I don't fucking care anymore, I hope you all enjoyed ruining my game, and there won't be another.


I'm in I will be typing my entry slow as I just got stitches in my hand from a vicious battle. So if a mod wants proof I can get them a picture of my grody hand.

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW


Bassetking posted:

It's good stuff. It really comes off as solid, personal, and heartfelt. A little polish, and it could be even better.


Thanks dude, that was great feedback. When I get time I'll rework it and post in the poetry thread.

Fanky Malloons posted:

Martello
This is some real talk
But a burqa barely counts
How many goblets?

Thanks. Not sure how many, I can't keep count and type at the same time.

Erik Shawn-Bohner posted:

Thunderdome Week VIII: Martello's Girlfriend Said, "I'm late!"

I'm pretty sure I have a couple bastards running around Europe somewhere. Either Prague or Budapest.

Put me in, chief.

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Mecca-Benghazi
Mar 31, 2012



My studies have eased up a tiny bit and I wander back to the Thunderdome to find a new prompt? In.

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