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Dr. Kloctopussy
Apr 22, 2003


I'm going to go ahead and admit that even though I know my submission is complete poo poo, I hold a deep, secret hope that Mr. Gonzalez will read my terrible story and say "THIS IS GENIUS! WE MUST GIVE HER MILLIONS OF DOLLARS $47.65 RIGHT NOW!!!"

edit: But no, you see, this one submission will lead to a seven book deal, which will lead to a movie rights bidding war, which will lead to licensing opportunities........

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Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

The man was stunningly well dressed. He had a smart looking jacket, and a really neat looking cape, the lining of which was shimmering and sparkling in more than Oriental splendour, which is a great deal of splendour indeed, just ask Kipling.

Dr. Kloctopussy posted:

I'm going to go ahead and admit that even though I know my submission is complete poo poo, I hold a deep, secret hope that Mr. Gonzalez will read my terrible story and say "THIS IS GENIUS! WE MUST GIVE HER MILLIONS OF DOLLARS RIGHT NOW!!!"

More like 5 cents a word maximum.

Also the submission guide on the site doesn't seem to care all that much about formatting.

toanoradian
May 30, 2011

The happiest waffligator


Just in case anyone's still wondering but didn't research it yet, the 'mystery' of the case that inspired this week's prompt had been solved.

But man, the three hacks judges running this week's Dome is really stepping up their game. I mean, a post-deadline challenge? You might just as well ask us to type a story using a single chopstick put between our lips! The next week's judges had a huge shoe to fill.

Wrageowrapper
Apr 30, 2009

DRINK! ARSE! FECKIN CHRISTMAS!

I wrote a bit more to my shiiit and sent that fucker in.

God help us all.

Seldom Posts
Jul 4, 2010


First one in, last one out. Also made me finally get an imgur account.



edit: fixed the size.

Fanky Malloons
Aug 21, 2010

Is your social worker inside that horse?


drat, I wondered why the thread suddenly had 77 new posts since last night. That's what I get for going to bed early because I'm a pussy and can't handle life when I'm sick. I have something to attend to in the next hour, but rest assured that my next post in the thread will be proof of my submission to the other (lesser) thunderdome.

Capntastic
Jan 13, 2005

A dog begins eating a dusty old coil of rope but there's a nail in it.

Fallen Rib

Well I just woke up and feel sentient again, so lemme take a few hours to edit last night's breakdown into something a bit more readable and I'll submit.

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


Reformatted, resubmitted. I don't know if that's allowed, but they can't shoot me for trying.

Peel
Dec 3, 2007



I really didn't have time this week but now I regret not forcing it anyway.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW


I love you guys so much. This week has been a blast.

Their due date is the 30th, so feel free to submit until then. Let's keep this party going.

Fanky Malloons
Aug 21, 2010

Is your social worker inside that horse?


Erik Shawn-Bohner posted:

Their due date is the 30th, so feel free to submit until then.

Pfft,editing is for the weak.

Jonked
Feb 15, 2005

by exmarx


Oh Hell Yes.

I'm submitting hopefully tomorrow, MAYBE tonight.

pipes!
Jul 10, 2001


Nap Ghost

Oh hey, forum invasion. Enjoy all the bans, jerkos.













Not really.

Capntastic
Jan 13, 2005

A dog begins eating a dusty old coil of rope but there's a nail in it.

Fallen Rib

Are people double spacing their submissions??

toanoradian
May 30, 2011

The happiest waffligator


Not me. I just submitted what I typed, which had no single spacing with no space before or after paragraph. Exactly like how I put it in this thread.

Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

The man was stunningly well dressed. He had a smart looking jacket, and a really neat looking cape, the lining of which was shimmering and sparkling in more than Oriental splendour, which is a great deal of splendour indeed, just ask Kipling.

Pffft, formatting standards are for losers. Submitted as typed here in the thread.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


so yer still marking this week like normal, right?

budgieinspector
Mar 24, 2006

According to my research,
these would appear to be
Budgerigars.



SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

so yer still marking this week like normal, right?

Ayup. Gie's a day.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW


Due to needing time for some RL stuff, Stuporstar and I decided to delegate some tasks. Also, the results of this should be fun for all.

Budgie and Griffon will run the show next week if they agree to do so in place of me and Stuporstar. If one or both can't do that, they can appoint one or two of you peeps they like along with the winner.

Sebmojo will take over my duties of contributing the legally required amount of ESB-moron posts.

toanoradian will be in charge of acting really stereotypical-Italian for Martello.

SurreptitiousMuffin will be in charge of calling the surrogates for Martello and me idiots and telling them to shut up in place of Stuporstar.

If everyone is okay with that, we'll proceed in that manner.

toanoradian
May 30, 2011

The happiest waffligator


Google. You and me. "Pizza mafia". We'll go places. Italian places.

Capntastic
Jan 13, 2005

A dog begins eating a dusty old coil of rope but there's a nail in it.

Fallen Rib

Marching to our deaths screaming is the Thunderdome Style.

Only registered members can see post attachments!

HiddenGecko
Apr 15, 2007

You think I'm really going
to read this shit?




I've submitted my spew to them. May God have mercy on my soul.

JimsonTheBetrayer
Oct 13, 2010

Game's over, and fuck you Jimson. It's not my fault that you guys couldn't get your shit together by deadline. No one gets access to docs because I don't fucking care anymore, I hope you all enjoyed ruining my game, and there won't be another.


Blue and Pink
Words: 1630



Lucy sat, finishing her drink as Darcy tried her best not to catch anyone's attention. She always hated bars, Darcy that is. Lucy on the other hand learned nothing from her parents mistakes. While Darcy stood idly by as a child watching the alcohol rip it's way through her parents lives Lucy took that time to act as a child. Doing nothing more than running through the streets with the other children causing trouble.


As a child she remembers living close to the Tenderloin. To close for her mothers comfort. Every time there was a siren, or a news story on the radio about shootings, or gang violence she would put down her always filled glass and call both the children in. Darcy remembers one day, she had to drag her sister out from under someones porch during a game of Hide and Seek to get her home. She and her sister arrived at the house 20 minutes later. Her mother beat them both for a good hour or two. Getting drunker and drunker as time went on. Near the end she began calling them by the wrong names. Darcy always wore a blue bow, and Lucy a pink one. This mattered little once the alcohol set in of course.

"You could have been shot!!" That was how it started her mother showing concern for there well being. It was times like that, that Darcy had a hard time hating her mother. Sadly it always ended almost the same way. "HOW DARE YOU TREAT ME LIKE THIS YOU STUPID LITTLE SHITS I'M YOUR MOTHER!" Her anger overtaking her.

Darcy visibly shook herself. Trying to escape the memories. Lucy was in the process of getting another drink brought to the table. "Lucy, I think you've had enough already dear." Darcy tried her best to sound like mother. It makes her feel empty inside but it's really the only way to get Lucy to listen to her once shes started drinking.

"Darcy, Stop being such a stick in the mud, you've had what?" Lucy looks down at the table trying to count the empty cups in front of her. On the far side of the table in front of Darcy sits a lonely seltzer water long gone is the fizz now all that's left is a reminder of just how long they've been here. "One drink? So why don't YOU slow down and stop being such a drunk." Lucy laughs at her own joke. A beautiful lilting laugh. Darcy smiles even though she doesn't want to. She loves her sisters dry sense of humor.

Across the bar a man begins to saunter his way towards them. Darcy quickly inspects him with out his noticing, and slides her hand across the table palming the wedding ring sitting near Lucy's latest drink. She slides the ring into her purse and tries her best to not let the man know she saw him.

He is wearing a rather modest suit, not decked out to the nines, but obviously trying to impress. He was handsome, if not obviously so. Darcy would allow herself to be smitten with him. If it wasn't for the fact that the suit jacket barely fit him, and the hems of the pants were beginning to fray and tatter. Taking in just those details alone she knew exactly what he was.

He was nothing more than a hunter looking for his prey. As with most predatory animals he went straight for the weakened prey.

"Hey there dolly. I can't help but notice all them drinks in front of you, and yet. You ain't got no one to drink em with." He flashed Lucy a smile when she looked up to answer him. Darcy noticed the smile on her sisters face.

"Well, I do got my sister dearest over here, but as you can tell by the sorry state of affairs on her side of the table, She's not to great of a drinking buddy." The man lets loose a great guffaw and sits at the table with the two of them.

He begins asking stupid obviously flirty questions. Asking her if she comes here often, remarking about how he never seen her before. Joking about trying to get her and Darcy in bed together.

Darcy had seen it thousands of times before and knew what he was after. It was only after a good 30 minutes of talking when her sister decided to use the restroom did the man actually address Darcy.

"So, I think your sister is pretty into me, don'tcha think?" He smiles at her trying to appear innocent, but she can smell the blood on his breath. Darcy always was good at spotting the wolves among the sheep. Learned the hard way from her father. Memorized it from her last boyfriend. Etched it in her mind the day that man pulled her down to the ground outside the grocers.

"She's married you know."
The man laughs and leans back in his chair.
"Well the way I see it, her husband isn't doing what he needs to be doing if she's here at some bar going crazy over a guy like me"
Before she can respond Lucy comes bounding out of the bathroom taking the man by the arm.

She doesn't even know her name, Darcy thinks to herself. It's then that she has a thought. She doesn't know from where, or what would possess her to think this, but she figures she can kill 2 birds with one stone by the end of tonight. Ruin Mr. Wolf's night, and hopefully smack her sister back into reality. Ending her crazy drinking problem once and for all.

Darcy follows along trying her best to appear completely okay with her sisters attempts to get the man back into the apartment she shares with her sister. Darcy was a little surprised when the man sprung for the cab home. Less surprised of course when he got into an argument with the cabby after he refused to tip him.

Once they were upstairs Darcy lay on the couch waiting for the noises in the other room to stop. Once they did she stared off at the window slowly counting to herself.

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
10902.
10903.
"Lucy, You awake in there?" Silence met Darcy's call. She slowly crept from the couch and made her way into the kitchen pulling the phone from the receiver.

"Hello Operator, how may I help you tonight."
"Yes, thank you, could you please connect me to Birch 5564"
"Yes Ma'm one moment please"
Darcy sat breathless, waiting crossing her fingers and silently praying as the phone began to ring. It all rested on whether or not Chris would answer the phone.
4 seconds that seemed like ages passed and Darcy had almost resigned herself to hanging up before a familiar voice was on the other line.

"Hello? Chris Green here"
"Oh god Chris thank god you answered she brought another man home and hes in there with her RIGHT NOW!"
"Oh god! I'll be right there! Just I don't know don't let them know I'm coming okay?!"

The call went dead and Darcy hung the phone up as well. She sat there holding her knees on the kitchen floor waiting. Wondering if she had done the right thing. She kept telling herself she was trying to save her sister and it was going to be okay.



Darcy was jolted awake by the door slamming. She watched sprawled on the kitchen floor as Chris slammed his way into the bedroom. Screaming and yelling was heard Darcy could barely make out what was being said. Instead of trying, she buried her face against the cold kitchen floor and tried to count the pieces of old food under the oven.

Lucy started screaming, then Chris then the mystery man. This went on for a good minute or two and then everything went numb. A loud bang rang out through the little apartment and Darcy could barely move her head the ringing in her ears disoriented her. She felt like she was going to vomit, both from stress and shear terror.

She looked up to see the mystery bar man running out of the front door a pistol in his hand his coat slung up over his shoulder.

Lucy was screaming for Darcy in the other room. Of course Darcy couldn't hear this over the ringing.

30 seconds or so passed and the man was already out the front door running down the street towards the direction of the bus depot. Darcy's hearing started to come back and she could hear her sisters sobbing.

She went into the room and saw Chris laying on the ground blood coming from his forehead. The carpet was soaked through with blood. Lucy was curled up in a ball on the bed crying.

Darcy fell to the floor sobbing holding Chris' hand. She reached into her pocket and began to slide the ring she slipped into it on and off her finger over and over.

"Why, why, why, why, why." Was all she could manage to say.




Days later after the police investigation found no leads in who the man was Darcy and Lucy sat together at a table in a greasy spoon talking. Lucy was telling her sister about the preacher who ran the group for people who were trying to stop drinking at the church near the house. Darcy could tell Lucy didn't like him despite the fact that he never once judged her when she told him her reason for quitting.


He only chose to remind her of two hard truths. It wasn't your fault that he thought you were Darcy, and nothing you can do will bring back your sisters husband.

budgieinspector
Mar 24, 2006

According to my research,
these would appear to be
Budgerigars.



I have a bad feeling that the Norwegian got shitfaced and set off in a longboat to try and plunder Ireland. Assuming that they have internet cafes wherever he lands, I'll wait another couple hours before making announcements.

Black Griffon
Mar 12, 2005

Now, in the quantum moment before the closure, when all become one. One moment left. One point of space and time. I know who you are.

You are destiny.


That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about me.

Announcements coming up once bud gets online again. God, some people, you know?

toanoradian
May 30, 2011

The happiest waffligator


Stop teasing us with two posts postponing the announcement! I express my impatience thus:

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

Really hard core 'domers are pledging their words in the daily writing for October thread. If we do it right we can be literally constantly bathed in goon derision uh, critique.

budgieinspector
Mar 24, 2006

According to my research,
these would appear to be
Budgerigars.



WEEK VIII RESULTS

This was a banner week for Thunderdome. Twenty-one of you mutants answered the call and rode out into the wasteland, causing ESB to pleasure himself so briskly that he broke something important. He'll be back -- although probably with a limp and a squeakier voice.

And so it was left to me and the errant Norseman to decide this week's winner:

Y Kant Ozma Post, please pick up the white courtesy phone.

Black Griffon and I concur that we face a strange dilemma this week. While some of your offerings were tepid, amateurish, and bland, none of them stand out as being complete poo poo. (Bumper stickers saying "MY STORY WASN'T COMPLETE poo poo!" are available in the lobby.)

Therefore, this week's loser is Jimson. For turning in a weirdly-formatted and overlong piece with "their/there" confusion a full three days after deadline, and for standing there like the last Mongol on the steppe while the rest of the horde gallops off to sack Europe, you earn shame and derision. Boo unto you.

The ad hoc triumvirate will now discuss what sort of hoops to make you jump through for Week IX. Feedback will be posted as soon as our resident Viking can get his poo poo together. As you were.

toanoradian
May 30, 2011

The happiest waffligator


I hate every winners that aren't me Well, with that result, Week VIII is finally over! It is probably the week with the most drunk judge* ever. Twins are explored, posers hosed and query letter'd. Congrats to Y Kant Ozma Post, sucks to be you, Jimson, but maybe next time you can show Thunderdome the true might of your non-broken fist with some punchy prose and straight-to-the-nuts style.

So, question. The next week judges will be budgieinspector, Black Griffon and Y Kant Ozma Post, yes? I need to know how scared I should be.

*Or is it 'judges'? Ascertain your sobriety, guest judges.

budgieinspector
Mar 24, 2006

According to my research,
these would appear to be
Budgerigars.



toanoradian posted:

sucks to be you, Jimson, but maybe next time you can show Thunderdome the true might of your non-broken fist

Ein moment, bitte.

If Jimson broke his hand and still turned in his story, that's pretty

Jimson may yet rescue himself if he posts a picture of the cast with "RAGGEDY MAN" written on it.

Black Griffon
Mar 12, 2005

Now, in the quantum moment before the closure, when all become one. One moment left. One point of space and time. I know who you are.

You are destiny.


He will provide, or suffer consequences. His bravery is commended, but mercy does not come easily from us.

Jimson posted:

I'm in I will be typing my entry slow as I just got stitches in my hand from a vicious battle. So if a mod wants proof I can get them a picture of my grody hand.

JimsonTheBetrayer
Oct 13, 2010

Game's over, and fuck you Jimson. It's not my fault that you guys couldn't get your shit together by deadline. No one gets access to docs because I don't fucking care anymore, I hope you all enjoyed ruining my game, and there won't be another.


I'll have the pictures I took at the hospital uploaded tomorrow.

Black Griffon
Mar 12, 2005

Now, in the quantum moment before the closure, when all become one. One moment left. One point of space and time. I know who you are.

You are destiny.


The crowd went silent. Jimson clutched his wounded hand as his opponent danced around him, confident he'd won. The opponent laughed and spat, a hysterical timbre to his voice. He had this victory, he needed this victory.

Only the crowd noticed Jimson rise.

"Wrageowrapper"

A tremor ran down Wrageowrapper's mutant face. A visible change from exhilarated to blatant fear. He turned.

"This isn't over."

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


As official teller of people to shove it, I want to see some judge commentary on the pieces.

Black Griffon
Mar 12, 2005

Now, in the quantum moment before the closure, when all become one. One moment left. One point of space and time. I know who you are.

You are destiny.


I've got a few pieces left on my writeup, but it's coming up within the hour.

Black Griffon
Mar 12, 2005

Now, in the quantum moment before the closure, when all become one. One moment left. One point of space and time. I know who you are.

You are destiny.


Let's make it easy: If it's "Fun" I liked it, if it's "Dull" I didn't. Either because the chunk of life didn't feel defining or descriptive enough to be exciting, or if it was defining, it didn't come through properly.

Seldom Posts
There's some great atmosphere here, and I an almost smell the "old people house" while reading your story, but that run-on paragraph could be broken up, and it disrupts the flow instead of enhancing it. Fun.

LordVonEarlDuke
This is fun as hell, but the witchcraft angle is uncool beans. Could have cut some "said" from your story. Fun.

Bassetking
This runs far from the prompt, but I guess it's something. Some of the dialogue should be broken up, it doesn't sound good out loud. Dull.

Chairchucker
Violence without substance. It's fun enough on a superficial level, but there's not much to it. Dull.

budgieinspector
I love the dialogue in this, and it's a great piece overall. Feels a tiny bit too fragmented at times though. Fun.

The Saddest Rhino
Gimmick is predictable, but it works and I like it. They left and returned though, "started to leave" is clumsy, and I mention it because it's a pretty important pair of lines. Fun.

Jonked
You need to take an ax to -ly words. And speak all your lines aloud, too many of them sound awkward. Dull.

Bad Seafood
This is nice, you've really captured a moment here. Reading it feels a bit like eating sauce as a side-dish though, where the sauce is the dialogue and the main is the rest of the text. Mix it better, and it'll be much smoother. Fun.

SurreptitiousMuffin
A lot of plot in fewer words, and that's good, but overall it feels like I can't quite connect the narrator with the character, something feels off. Fun.

Sitting Here
This is another good example of a good moment, but it feels a bit overlong. While the dialogue is great, I can't say all of it feels equally engaging. Dunn/Full/Flurgh something in between.

toanoradian
This feels really fragmented and there's way too much telling. Too much passive voice as well. There's some good pieces in here, but they're buried. Dull.

Fanky Malloons
The transcript format feels completely pointless here. If you're going for that, give it a little more back and forth. As it stands now, it limits the stor. Dull.

Canadian Surf Club
This is also a nice slice of life, but like Sitting Here, you could have cut without hurting the story. The ending is good, but it's made too abrupt by the load of the words before it. Dunnfull.

swaziloo
This is awesome and--for lack of a better term--mesmerizing. Good use of language and dialogue. Fun.

HiddenGecko
Too abstract and too many cliches, thought there are some interesting things buried in here, and it's creepy in a good way. Dunnfull.

Autumncomet
This is a good slice of life. It feels informed, and it's just drat interesting. Fun.

Wrageowrapper
This is a thing, and I guess I could ape you and say that it's sets itse

Capntastic
"She set the heavy stack of two boxes she was carrying down on the kitchen counter, taking a second to turn around and shut the door properly, before sliding the top box off, laying them down side to side. She called for Darcy to come out to the kitchen with no response. She used the fingernail on her thumb to cut through the beige piece of cellulose tape and opened the first box. It was packed tight with wiry straw, like a nest. Deeper inside was something smooth and white, and this was what she dug out. It was a Belmont radio, a beautiful thing with a pristine Bakelite shell. It was the cleanest thing in the house. "Come and look at 'em!", she called to her sister. She began unpacking the second one, knowing her sister wasn't feeling up to it for whatever reason. It was one of those nights."

vs.

"She set the stack of two boxes down on the counter, taking a second to shut the door behind her before she laid the boxes side to side. A call for Darcy; no response. She cut the beige tape with her fingernail and opened the first box. Deep inside the nest of straw was something smooth and white; a beautiful Belmont Radio with a pristine Bakelite shell. She called again, "Come and look at 'em!". She unpacked the second knowing Darcy wasn't feeling up to it, it was one of those nights."

The point is that this took me a minute and half, regardless if it's an improvement or not. You have too many words. Dull

Noah
There is something genuinely creepy about this, and I really like it. loving twins, man. Fun.

sebmojo
It's interesting, but it feels a bit jumbled. Still, a fine enough tale. Fun.

Dr. Kloctopussy
This is some weird poo poo. It's also boring in its briefness, and though none should aspire to write more than necessary, it just feels blunt and sudden. Dull.

Black Griffon
How the gently caress did I write this? Kill me now. Dull.

Y Kant Ozma Post
Short and so sweet, with dialogue and prose that's just wonderfully ugly. Makes me glad I never met these women. Fun.


So there you have it. A good week, to be honest.
Notes: Infected Mushroom is not the right companion music to these pieces, and dunnfull is now a word.

Debbie Metallica
Jun 7, 2001



I am very pleased, thank you much.

Seldom Posts
Jul 4, 2010


Black Griffon posted:

Let's make it easy: If it's "Fun" I liked it, if it's "Dull" I didn't. Either because the chunk of life didn't feel defining or descriptive enough to be exciting, or if it was defining, it didn't come through properly.

Seldom Posts
There's some great atmosphere here, and I an almost smell the "old people house" while reading your story, but that run-on paragraph could be broken up, and it disrupts the flow instead of enhancing it. Fun.


Thanks. Funnily, I thought I had failed to create the atmosphere, and nailed it with the story. The lesson is: Do not trust yourself, or anyone else.

edit: oh, and congrats to Y Kant (the lament of an undergraduate philosophy student)on this week's win.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

Black Griffon posted:

Let's make it easy: If it's "Fun" I liked it, if it's "Dull" I didn't. Either because the chunk of life didn't feel defining or descriptive enough to be exciting, or if it was defining, it didn't come through properly.

Sitting Here
This is another good example of a good moment, but it feels a bit overlong. While the dialogue is great, I can't say all of it feels equally engaging. Dunn/Full/Flurgh something in between.


Hmm well this is better than dull, but I feel like I'm always flubbing my writing right at the moment where I could take it interesting. Hilariously I had to shorten it a bit for word count. I'd love to know how to better say what I need to say in less words Glad at least my dialog was palatable, though.

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Mecca-Benghazi
Mar 31, 2012



Black Griffon posted:

Let's make it easy: If it's "Fun" I liked it, if it's "Dull" I didn't. Either because the chunk of life didn't feel defining or descriptive enough to be exciting, or if it was defining, it didn't come through properly.

Autumncomet
This is a good slice of life. It feels informed, and it's just drat interesting. Fun.

Slice of life is what I was going for, so yay. I've never really written anything of that type so I was worried I was going to gently caress up royally. I trimmed it down a lot from what it was (there were two extra scenes that I cut because they didn't really add to anything).

Now to await my rejection letter for not doing a header.

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