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Oxxidation
Jul 22, 2007

a negative influence


RESULTS POST

The prompt may have been more rigid than usual, but at its core was a simple idea - to see how all of you wrote a little bit of raw, unfiltered character interaction, shorn of all your various gimmicks and without much room to exploit tired cliches for "a chance meeting." As expected, a lot of you either locked up and dashed out something boilerplate or tried to substitute swagger for good writing, but the standouts made their mark.

The winner, by more or less unanimous consent, is V For Vegas. Well done you, for managing to innovate within the prompt's guidelines, with your language strong and compelling throughout. It says something that a hallucination who never spoke a single quoted line of dialogue was more interesting than half the other characters submitted. I'm not sure what it says, but it's being said.

The loser is dromer, whose obvious oversights in the prose ("porpose" isn't even a word, for Christ's sake) and perfunctory character interaction suggests that the scant positive qualities of your piece were more or less accidental. Extra points lost for trying to gently caress with the prompt in a plainly obvious, zero-effort way. You didn't care about writing it, most of us didn't care for reading it, get back in the elevator and wait for someone to cut the cable.

The loserwinner tradition has been retired, so V gets the next judge seat. You have fun with it; my obligation to this merry-go-round is fulfilled.

PEACE OUT

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Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW


V for Vegas send me a PM or an email immediately. It'll be you, me, and Erik Shawn-Bohner judging this coming week.

Oxxidation
Jul 22, 2007

a negative influence


Martello posted:

V for Vegas send me a PM or an email immediately. It'll be you, me, and Erik Shawn-Bohner judging this coming week.

Boy, did you ever gently caress up your timing

edit: you ninja-editing son of a bitch

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW


Oxxidation posted:

Boy, did you ever gently caress up your timing

edit: you ninja-editing son of a bitch

lol i type like 100 wpm suck it bitch

Stuporstar
May 5, 2008

Where do fists come from?


What, no crit for my bonus video entry?

The Saddest Rhino
Apr 29, 2009

I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at four o'clock in the morning


My crits took into account BONUS CHICKENCHEESE ASSESSMENTS because food is delicious (please remember to lift after eating).

Etherwind

Bad News
I found that you have put a lot of thought into creating the story, but unfortunately the same amount of thought had not been used in writing it itself. It may also be that you have been overthinking in how to write within the constraints of the rules set out . Either way, there is a lack of focus resulting from a misplaced priority in using the wordcount on what reads like incidental dialogue – the actual meat and potatoes of the entry should be the story.

I get that Urgos is a little off, but I just could not grasp what his delusions were. I also don’t understand why Sophie asked whether the government is out to get him as if egging him. Truth be told at one point I thought she was trying to recruit him as part of the board of directors of a government-linked corporation, which somehow caused people to lose limbs.

Cluck
A sandwich based on the promotional material prepared by William Blake and Hieronymus Bosch. Its menu item is Guilt.

The Saddest Rhino

Conversations
DEPRESSING DRECK KILL THIS MAN

The Disgraced
SWAMP-ROT ENVELOPED BETWEEN DEAD MOSS

V For Vegas

A Madman’s Diary (YOUR TITLE SUCKS BY THE WAY)
This was fun. My favourite part is IV with the confusion in time and the girl disappearing. I also like the fact that despite the girl probably having a strong story (having seen death) the guy just pooh-poohed her and made her drink horrible tea.

On another note I don’t get why picking the yinnest tealeaves harmonise things. Harmony is supposed to be both yin and yang in balance. Get your Chinese pseudoscience right.

Untitled Poem
Open faced sandwich of Mongolian chicken barbecued in pork lard, adorned with buffalo grass and store brand cheddar.

sentientcarbon

Ashes
I enjoyed this, but would prefer more ambiguity to the apocalypse, such as removing the explanation that the girl turned to ash due to the “disease” so it can be left for the reader to decide if it was his feeble mind creating it (which was emphasized so many times in that unfortunate “tell not show” way).

No entry!
A CHICKENCHEESE-LESS LIFE IS ONE WITHOUT PURPOSE

Stuporstar

Apartment 803
Overall I enjoyed the pacing and the dialogue, and everyone loves an unsolved paranormal mystery. The only thing is that the rule says “the girl is not supposed to be there”, and it seems like the man was the one instead.

(Revised after watching of video entry)
Wait, why didn't your story feature a puppy? And why did they not break into song and dance? This created false expectations and was just hype after all. A lesson is learnt about the evils of marketing and advertising.

Chickencheese in Calgary
An all-American sub but less loud and less well-done, with wasabi-infused maple syrup. Except instead of wasabi it's corpses. Rare meat for all.

Zack_Gochuck

On the House
I was dumbfounded by why a nervous crying man would use terms like “on the house” and “our little secret”. I think the girl could also be a bit more threatening as Chuck turned into a sobbing mess too unrealistically. Also that girl broke his tv into two and left? Rude.

No entry!
AN IMPENETRABLE BAGUETTE WHICH EXISTS ONLY AS A BLACKHOLE

Benagain

Thief
This was marred by punctuation issues and paragraphing errors, and the dialogue, especially the longer monologues (“You could turn violent anytime…” and “No, no, you don’t have to protest…”) come off as stilted and unnatural. The shifting of power between the parties would have benefited from stronger execution.

No entry! Even worse, lots of comments on others' chickencheese!
You cannot create a chickencheese with words around it, you big silly.

Jonked

California
I like the way the characters bonded, and the information being relayed just enough but not overwhelming to let us know a bit of their histories. I also thought the way you flouted the “no reminder of other people” rule to reveal more about their characters was very clever. Yours and V for Vegas's entry tied for me as favourites.

Chickencheese, a work in progress, part 1
Dat some Bánh mì even the Devil would say yeah dat some good poo poo

dromer

Close Door Button
Is the guy homeless? Why is his home an elevator?

This reads like an unfinished revenge fantasy against super-liberal Buddhist vegans where you have copped out from writing the confrontation, so not only is there no revenge, there is no villain.

By the way I am Buddhist so I’m not sure what to think.

No entry!
SHALL HE BE TAUGHT TO DESIRE THE CHICKENCHEESE (THE ABSENCE SAYS NO)

EchoClan

No entry!
BOO THIS MAN

No entry!
BOOOOOOOO

SaviourX

music and laughter
Love the idea, hate the presentation. I’m not sure why you chose to use only dialogue instead of prose, and since you mentioned this was heavily influenced by an old radio station, it probably would be better if you wrote it as a radio play script instead. Because of the way you presented it, there’re odd expositional dialogues and an oddly-placed time skip. Not a fan.

Treachery, Soft Cheese, and Kiwis
Jellied eel paninis which only the crazies from Bristol would eat but at a really nice mountain with short people

Jeza

The Pale Fandango
There’s a very twilight zone feel to the story, and although I thought the atmosphere seems a little too thick the description of the woman was chilling, which is a good thing. I quite like this in fact and your prediction became true so congrats.

Pictures of a strange cutting board
Tastes like a million words.

V for Vegas
Aug 31, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER

Alright buckle up chucklefucks. This next week is going to be a hell of a ride.

The Saddest Rhino
Apr 29, 2009

I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at four o'clock in the morning


On a non-judgy wudgy note I just sought out what a "primoman story" was and oh my god

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


To be fair, mine was intentionally bizarre to set up the punchline. I was trying to "Pilk's Madhouse" it. I find that poo poo hilarious. Primoman jacks off to his stories.

I do agree with you looking back, though. I think the girl could have been much more threatening. It would have come off better if she was more visceral than sexual.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW


It's too quiet in here. Let's hear some loving noise.

This month is going to grueling for those that participate, but you're going to come out a better writer for sticking with it. If you're not in this month, you're going to regret it. We got real big plans for you.

Remember the last time I said that? It was loving awesome, so don't miss out.

Peel
Dec 3, 2007



I have more or less finished the project I was working on and said 'I'll be back soon' too many times and need to bust out of my comfort zone so I hereby toxx that I will enter every round of the Thunderdome until the new year.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW


Peel posted:

I have more or less finished the project I was working on and said 'I'll be back soon' too many times and need to bust out of my comfort zone so I hereby toxx that I will enter every round of the Thunderdome until the new year.

Well, at least one of you panty-wastes (re: vaginal discharge) has a loving pair swinging.

What about the rest of you clowns? Let's see some loving new year toxxes. Or are you scared the mean people on the internet might make fun of you, abloo bloo

V for Vegas
Aug 31, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER

TWO MEN ENTER, ONE MAN LEAVE

Time to put the thunderdome back into this Thunderdome. We are talking about one on one, no holds barred grudge matches where the enemy is not the judge (although we are not on your side) but your fellow Thunderdomers.

Sign up starts now, and lasts 24 HOURS ONLY. Once you have signed up, you will be matched up with another competitor and given a prompt. Each pairing will have a different prompt. Pairings may be random or may be seeded. Who knows?

YOU MUST SUBMIT YOUR ENTRY BETWEEN 24 AND 48 HOURS AFTER THE PROMPT IS GIVEN. WORD LIMIT 800.

I know you are all retarded and cannot even read a clock so to make it simple for you here are the times.

Sign up starts: NOW

Sign up ends: 5 December 2012 - 1pm California, 4pm New York, 10pm Stockholm.

Round one entries open: 6 December 2012 - 1pm California, 4pm New York, 10pm Stockholm.

Round one entries close: 7 December 2012 - 1pm California, 4pm New York, 10pm Stockholm.

After the first round, the winners will proceed to the Battle Royale where they will have another 48 HOURS to compete for the:

WINNER OF ALL WINNERS

The losers of the first round will proceed to the Battle Royale with Chickencheese where they will attempt to avoid the ignominy of being declared the:

LOSER OF ALL LOSERS

Some general guidelines (not so much guidelines as goddamn Commandments Written In Stone):

Action. I want these stories, no matter the prompt, to have some movement, some weight, some kinetic bloody energy. Write a story with two people standing in a room talking to each other and I will knock you down to losertown for seven generations.

There is a ZERO TOLERANCE policy to cliché, idioms, stock characters/ expressions etc. If you can't be bothered writing a few hundred words of original prose, why the gently caress should I be bothered reading it?

Thunderdome begins NOW.

The following have chosen to spin the wheel:

SurreptitiousMuffin
Benagain
Peel
Sitting Here
Rose Wreck
Greatbacon
Capntastic
Zack_Gochuck
Velyoukai
Tender Child Loins
sentientcarbon
Jeza
Bear Sleuth
Noah
The Saddest Rhino
Etherwind
Seldom Posts
Jonked
Erik Shawn-Bohner
Fanky Malloons
Bad Seafood
sebmojo
Found Sound
AutoSnakes
Canadian Surf Club
Ronnie_Long

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


Oh I am so loving in.

Pair me with Shorn Boner. I want to taste his blood.

Benagain
Oct 10, 2007

Student of the principle art of posting

Fun Shoe

I long for combat.

Peel
Dec 3, 2007



I stand ready.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

V for Vegas, your creepy story made my doodling muscle twitch. I hope no one minds if I post another illustration.

Also I am in for this poo poo, I've been waiting for full body contact Thunderdome for like 15 weeks. Bloooooood.

Rose Wreck
Jun 15, 2012


I'm in.

Hey are we allowed to ask what a wold is yet? I'm not sure about this setting.

\/\/ Awesome, I kept derailing onto "woad" and I knew that couldn't be right.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


Rose Wreck posted:

Hey are we allowed to ask what a wold is yet? I'm not sure about this setting.
It's an area of forest or woodland. Really, look it up.

It's also probably a typo.

Greatbacon
Apr 9, 2012

conquistador wuz heer



Fresh meat, right here.

Capntastic
Jan 13, 2005

A dog begins eating a dusty old coil of rope but there's a nail in it.

Fallen Rib

I'm in and oiling up my keyboard.

dromer
Aug 19, 2012

THUNDERDOME LOSER

The Saddest Rhino posted:

dromer

Close Door Button
Is the guy homeless? Why is his home an elevator?

This reads like an unfinished revenge fantasy against super-liberal Buddhist vegans where you have copped out from writing the confrontation, so not only is there no revenge, there is no villain.

By the way I am Buddhist so I’m not sure what to think.

After thinking about it I think I can distill why my train-wreck of a story happened.

1. I couldn't think of any alternative.

Normally I write a lot sooner before the deadline, but for some reason or another I couldn't think of an effective way to answer the prompt. I knew that typing out some generic schlock would probably not end in losing, but you don't learn that way. The "trapped with a Tumblr warrior" was the only idea I had that had any sort of substance to it.

2. Subject Area

The issue with making Tumblr SJW jokes is that some of the causes that they tend to champion are, in fact, pretty good causes. The issue is that if you villify the person, readers tend to project that on the causes as well. The specific reason I made her Buddhist because Buddhism is the religion I see most often abused (aside from the Bible thumpers) or misunderstood by pseudo-intellectuals.

3.

I was really tired on Sunday, and since I didn't have any other alternative story, I decided to go with the one I had. I fell into the trap of lazy writing, and that path only leads to alienation for both writer and reader.

Anyway, sorry if I hit too close to home with my story. I wasn't trying to criticize your religion or your ideas, but rather the militant attitude that Tumblr warriors often have. Getting the story's metaphor across is a pretty big issue I have, and I'm trying to improve it.

Also, tomorrow is Krampus Day, the unofficial Thunderdome Christmastime holiday. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmu6L2KzKXQ

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


I yam in.

Velyoukai
Mar 4, 2011


I hate Suits. All of them.


I'm interested again. Let's have a good, clean massacre.

witchcore ricepunk
Jul 6, 2003

The Golden Witch
Who Solved the Epitaph


A Probability of 1/2,578,917


I'm in.

sentientcarbon
Aug 21, 2008

OFFLINE GAMES ARE THE FUTURE OF ONLINE GAMING

The numbers don't lie. 99.99% of every Diablo 3 player wants the game to be offline. This is a FACT.

OH SHIT IS THAT A WEBCAM? HOLY CRAP GET THAT AWAY FROM ME! (I am terrified of being spied on, because I am a very interesting person)


Wanna see dat prompt. I'm in.

Jeza
Feb 13, 2011

The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.


I am in. The head to head duel looks like it could be good stuff.

Bear Sleuth
Jul 17, 2011



This is going to be the biggest round yet, isn't it? (in.)

Noah
May 31, 2011

Come at me baby bitch


I'll throw in.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW


What's this I hear? Is it the sound of Christmas bells?

Nope. It's the sound of iron balls slapping together as everyone fights to get out of the gate.

Right now we got a clinking melody. I need more singups. I need a concert.

The Saddest Rhino
Apr 29, 2009

I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at four o'clock in the morning


In for this one lets kill things.


dromer posted:


Anyway, sorry if I hit too close to home with my story. I wasn't trying to criticize your religion or your ideas, but rather the militant attitude that Tumblr warriors often have. Getting the story's metaphor across is a pretty big issue I have, and I'm trying to

Nah, I don't have a problem with you making her Buddhist. i used to gimmick post with short stories when the PYF social justice warrior thread was still on, so I knew where you were going.

It's more that you have created a strawman as the villain, and it felt way too close to the reddit way of writing rage comics ("herp derp I got attacked by some evil WOMAN and her VIEWS and I used my amazing atheist powers to defeat her but actually I just cowered in fear passive aggressively"). I think if you wrote the confrontation and subverted expectations by having them reach a middle ground or something it would have been better.

Etherwind
Apr 22, 2008
Probation
Can't post for 2125 days!


Soiled Meat

You can add my castrato to the chorus.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


Erik Shawn-Bohner posted:

What's this I hear? Is it the sound of Christmas bells?

Nope. It's the sound of iron balls slapping together as everyone fights to get out of the gate.

Right now we got a clinking melody. I need more singups. I need a concert.
Why aren't you in? Don't be a pussy, fight me.

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW


Benagain posted:

I long for combat.

nice starcraft reference zealots own tbqh

Seldom Posts
Jul 4, 2010


"You wanna piece of me, boy?"

I'm in for this.

Jonked
Feb 15, 2005

by exmarx


The man who fears war and squats opposing
My words for stour, hath no blood of crimson
But is fit only to rot in womanly peace
Far from where worth's won and swords clash
For the death of such sluts I go rejoicing
Yea, I fill all the air with my music.

(I'm in)

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW


SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

Why aren't you in? Don't be a pussy, fight me.

Ok, you and me are paired now.

P.S. I'm also judging our match.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


Erik Shawn-Bohner posted:

Ok, you and me are paired now.

P.S. I'm also judging our match.
You're on. Judge man, hit me with a prompt.

V for Vegas
Aug 31, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER

Prompts will be delivered at the end of sign up. Right now I have at least 12 to write up.

If there is an odd number of suckers contestants I will sign up to even the pairs.

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SaviourX
Sep 29, 2003

The only true Catwoman is Julie Newmar, Lee Meriwether, or Eartha Kitt.



With all the work due before the holidays, and my, heh, real writing, I gotta say nope.



Re Crits:
Yeahhhh, taking chances erry day. I like dialogue, but am terrible at scripts. Whaddyado. Probably could have use identifiers and the like but I think that would be more wooden. Ta.

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