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Rose Wreck
Jun 15, 2012


Stop asking for criticism, I have to keep saying "I didn't understand" but I'm getting tired of admitting I'm dumb.

I thought you had some inconsistency going on. Liberals have taken over, but this gathering of True Americans is secretly gathering just to complain. They also have parted with their guns (what, no COLD DEAD HANDS?) At the end *zb speaks in praise of America but against liberals, who overrun America. It's a parody of conservative views, but Joanne sounds like a liberal parody with that "wanting to share." If she has a nametag on her forehead, does it have "Joanne" or her number? I think it would have been funny if it had actually been her number. It's not a helpful move otherwise, it lets you show things are dystopian but it doesn't parody anything liberals have tried to do.

I think you could have tightened it by having the whole thing focused on the UN member listening, ready to rush in. I think it's not quite sharp enough because it could cut either way.

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Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

speaking of, how was my story? I was trying to riff off Anthem but I don't think I was hugely successful. Vonnegut already got there first.

It kinda seems like something that would be funny off the cuff satire if it were a one-off post in, say, a D&D thread instead of a dedicated writing thread. I like it in general, but the action was unclear, ie this paragraph:

quote:

"There was a brief scuffle between them. “I'm not Human Unit #242688z2, I'm Joanne,” she was saying as Human Unit #242688z2b tried not to hold back tears."

Why are they scuffling? Why was Joanne holding back tears and Human Unit whatever trying NOT to hold back tears? It just felt a little muddled to me. I liked the first three paragraphs and the very last bit. Everything between that was hazy.

Also I don't really like scare quotes in a fictional narrative like you used around "opinion clubs." I think capitalizing it would have worked better, but that's just personal opinion.

I thought it was pretty funny though, if I squint a bit.

Meis
Sep 2, 2011



Zack_Gochuck posted:

It's really valuable to have a group of guys who will call your writing out on its bullshit too. That can be incredibly hard to find.

Yeah, this is basically why I want to get in on this. I've seen other communities out there, but their feedback is pretty poo poo. As such, I have not felt I've improved much / at all since my teens. Hopefully CC will change that!

Stuporstar
May 5, 2008

Where do fists come from?


Meis posted:

Yeah, this is basically why I want to get in on this. I've seen other communities out there, but their feedback is pretty poo poo. As such, I have not felt I've improved much / at all since my teens. Hopefully CC will change that!

Yeah, often the best criticism is the stuff that makes you feel like you've been punched in the gut, makes you realize, "Holy poo poo, what I wrote sucked." and tells you exactly why.

pipes!
Jul 10, 2001


Nap Ghost

It's CC's guiding principle

witchcore ricepunk
Jul 6, 2003

The Golden Witch
Who Solved the Epitaph


A Probability of 1/2,578,917


I have to admit that I was pretty intimidated at first, especially since I haven't really written any fiction for maybe a decade. This past matchup was really eye-opening for me, especially with regard to things that I really need to bone up on. I am so ready to dish it out as well as take it, though. Hope it's not too late to sign up for the next rodeo?

Fanky Malloons
Aug 21, 2010

Is your social worker inside that horse?


Tender Child Loins posted:

Hope it's not too late to sign up for the next rodeo?

Not at all! We love it when new people jump in with both feet.




(so we can cut them off)

witchcore ricepunk
Jul 6, 2003

The Golden Witch
Who Solved the Epitaph


A Probability of 1/2,578,917


Fanky Malloons posted:

Not at all! We love it when new people jump in with both feet.




(so we can cut them off)

I'll bring my wheels

Rose Wreck
Jun 15, 2012


I'm actually at a point where I'd rather work on my stuff in the background and give constructive criticism. Which I'd like to think I can do without causing internal damage.

If it's really important to people they can walk around with a printout of my crit, read it, and ask people to punch them in the face. I don't want to hold anyone back.

Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

The man was stunningly well dressed. He had a smart looking jacket, and a really neat looking cape, the lining of which was shimmering and sparkling in more than Oriental splendour, which is a great deal of splendour indeed, just ask Kipling.

For anyone who is hesitant to join in on this, I invite you to glance at the picture just to the left of this post. That is the ABSOLUTE WORST that can possibly happen to you as a consequence of joining in. There is very little reason to hold back.

Meis
Sep 2, 2011



Chairchucker posted:

For anyone who is hesitant to join in on this, I invite you to glance at the picture just to the left of this post. That is the ABSOLUTE WORST that can possibly happen to you as a consequence of joining in. There is very little reason to hold back.

Of course, that kind of thing only happens if someone writes something as bad as that story was. Yeah, I read it. You deserve all you get.

Oh boy oh boy I can't wait to see what my ultraloser avatar will be!!!

Did I say ultraloser I meant ULTRAWINNER

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW


"sebmojo be careful of the crocodile eating the Christmas tree!"

Jonked
Feb 15, 2005

by exmarx


Chairchucker posted:

For anyone who is hesitant to join in on this, I invite you to glance at the picture just to the left of this post. That is the ABSOLUTE WORST that can possibly happen to you as a consequence of joining in. There is very little reason to hold back.
IIRC I thought Chairchucker won the first round (OG!), there's a lot of really good writers here. The bar is literally a skeezy rear end creeptastic story and also your name is Primoman in terms of "gently caress off, never come back"*.

*If you don't improve the judges will hate you forever.**

**I still sometimes wake up in cold sweats about the terrible stuff I submitted. My latest piece, for example. It's the worst take down of Tom Clancy I've ever seen, jesus christ what was I thinking. That piece could have been so much better, but gently caress. Next time.***

***It was specifically aimed at Rainbow Six but none of that came through and I wouldn't be surprised at all if I was declared the Loser of All Winners.****

****I still can't believe I enjoyed that book when I was young. Never meet your heroes and all that, I guess.

Rose Wreck
Jun 15, 2012


I don't know. Thunderdome seems to be subconsciously influencing everyone to write dark to grimdark, so I was happy when the prompt called for humor. I was reading your prompt waiting for the twist to comedy and it ended "then he got stabbed in the face."

Which made me laugh. You should just claim it was some kind of transcendent satire.

The Saddest Rhino
Apr 29, 2009

I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at four o'clock in the morning


V for Vegas posted:

A Hundred Leaves of Sentience

Thanks for the crit! I'll work on scene progression. Didn't even notice that people may interpret the windows being from the car.


OK I'm kinda hitting myself for not thinking of that title and I'm going to steal it so hard.

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

Sort of reminds me of that Jasper Fforde novel where cheese is crazy potent/illegal and the protagonist is friends with a gang of Welsh cheese smugglers. There's this super-dramatic scene where they unbox some real French blue and it nearly kills a guy.

Haven't read a Jasper Fforde before. Which should I start?

V for Vegas posted:

How funny was it? CHEESE PRIDE MALAYSIA! A four out of five on the ‘low chuckle at my desk-o-meter’.

Was it Satire? Are you kidding me? This satire is sharper than a page of Oscar Wilde witticisms rolled up into a point, dipped in lemon juice and jabbed into your eye!

Wow, thanks. TO be honest I didn't know whether I was being funny enough or it's too close to reality to be depressing, which was why I dropped all those Malaysian news links at the end so you can judge based on that. (It may also be that if I really do send this to be published in a newspaper I may actually get arrested, no joke)

Sitting Here posted:

Saddest Rhino, I like you and the things you write but that picture made me lol.

Haha, thanks. I think I would have appreciated the redtext more if it weren't some PYF nut reacting to my announcing the chickencheese fiction results there, because hey congrats for making GBS threads on a bunch of goons' contributions not mine. Seriously I do not know who gave me this - twice for absolutely arbitrary reasons.

But hey if any of you pubbies are worried about Thunderdome none of us are going to give you redtext like mine, we justify why you deserve your beautiful avatar just like how primoman got his, so join Thunderdome or die

V for Vegas
Aug 31, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER

RESULTS

What a hell of a week. In retrospect setting up a format where I had to come up with 15 prompts and judge 50+ entries wasn't the smartest idea. But hey, THAT'S THUNDERDOME.

Coming in as the Winner of the Loserers is PEEL! Maybe if you had tried harder in the first round, you would have won the whole thing. As Zack_Gochuck would say, you got to play the whole 8 innings!

Just as there must be a Winner of the Loserers, there must also be a

LOSER OF ALL LOSERS

This goes, as it inevitably must, to ETHERWIND. Going down in a flame of opprobrium. Not content to merely ignore the rulings of the judges, he set out to ignore them in the most mediocre and middling way possible.

That leaves the:

WINNER OF ALL WINNERS

Take a bow SEBMOJO. That's Thunderdome stamina for you.

Fanky Malloons
Aug 21, 2010

Is your social worker inside that horse?


V for Vegas posted:


WINNER OF ALL WINNERS

Take a bow SEBMOJO. That's Thunderdome stamina for you.

Yay! I was beginning to think your runner-up streak would never end, man. Clearly you were just playing the long game THE WHOLE TIME.

V for Vegas
Aug 31, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER

Rose Wreck posted:

I don't know. Thunderdome seems to be subconsciously influencing everyone to write dark to grimdark, so I was happy when the prompt called for humor. I was reading your prompt waiting for the twist to comedy and it ended "then he got stabbed in the face."

Which made me laugh. You should just claim it was some kind of transcendent satire.

I was disappointed when people still wrote grimdark poo poo for what was meant to be a light-hearted non-serious prompt. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

My criteria were straightforward - 'was it funny' and 'was it satire'. If anyone wants a more detailed crit, I'm afraid I can't give it to you apart from 'write something funny'. If it was funny, I told you, if it wasn't, I wrote something else to amuse myself.

Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

The man was stunningly well dressed. He had a smart looking jacket, and a really neat looking cape, the lining of which was shimmering and sparkling in more than Oriental splendour, which is a great deal of splendour indeed, just ask Kipling.

Jonked posted:

IIRC I thought Chairchucker won the first round (OG!), there's a lot of really good writers here. The bar is literally a skeezy rear end creeptastic story and also your name is Primoman in terms of "gently caress off, never come back"*.


I don't understand most of this paragraph but I haven't won any rounds, although I have lost... I think three? And gotten most improved twice by virtue of losing horribly the week before.

Jonked
Feb 15, 2005

by exmarx


Chairchucker posted:

I don't understand most of this paragraph but I haven't won any rounds, although I have lost... I think three? And gotten most improved twice by virtue of losing horribly the week before.
You're a very good write, end quote.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


Chairchucker posted:

I don't understand most of this paragraph but I haven't won any rounds, although I have lost... I think three? And gotten most improved twice by virtue of losing horribly the week before.
yeah but you're a tank and everyone loves you

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

Fanky Malloons posted:

Yay! I was beginning to think your runner-up streak would never end, man. Clearly you were just playing the long game THE WHOLE TIME.

Well my bank will be glad fer drat sure. Thanks heaps, and massive props to v4v for not only shepherding a prompt of almost Lovecraftian complexity to its conclusion but also doin' it FASTFASTFAST.

The bar is high. I'll try and get a prompt out in a few hours.

Peel
Dec 3, 2007



I'll show you guys one day. Soon. Soon...

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

Thunderdome Week XVIV

HOW DEEP IS MY FUCKIN' LOVE

Ok, bitches. Daddy back from his three month drunk and HE MAD.

hosed if I know who the other Judges are, I'll edit the bastards in, but the prompt is simple. Per Rose Wreck's sharp observation above that things have been getting grim in here, so I want a love story.

Specifically, one that is neither grim, tragic, horrible or hopeless. One that moves my rusted robotic heart. 1000 words max, and you bet that puppy needs to have a BEGINNING MIDDLE AND END. No fragments.

Also you must post a link to a youtube song or soundtrack that should be listened to while the story is read. Naturally the link must be a perfect accompaniment.

Signup by midnight Thursday 13 December Wellington NZ time, stories due by midnight Saturday.

As recognition of his loserwinner status Peel may assign a single flash rule to one or more of the contestants.

Judges: Me, V for Vegas and Stuporstar

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR

Contestants:

Bear Sleuth
Ronnie Long
Sitting Here
Greatbacon
Meis
Benagain
Rose Wreck
Peel
Zack Gochuck
Gredgie
Chairchucker
Tender Child Loins
Capntastic
Bad Seafood
Capntastic (again, only eligible to lose)
Saddest Rhino

Bear Sleuth
Jul 17, 2011



Now do you mean the love between a man and a woman? Or the love of a man for a fine cuban cigar?

Also, in.

Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

The man was stunningly well dressed. He had a smart looking jacket, and a really neat looking cape, the lining of which was shimmering and sparkling in more than Oriental splendour, which is a great deal of splendour indeed, just ask Kipling.

That's a ridiculous prompt!

I'm in.

V for Vegas
Aug 31, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER

How good is your prose (how good, how good is your prose)
I really need to learn
Cause we're posting in a thread of fools
Breaking us down
When we write futility
We go on just you and me...

gredgie
Dec 9, 2012

Is there any in this rout
with authority to treat with me?


V for Vegas posted:

How good is your prose (how good, how good is your prose)
I really need to learn
Cause we're posting in a thread of fools
Breaking us down
When we write futility
We go on just you and me...

You had me at "this weeks prompt" but by the time you started singing I wanted to take my pants off and throw them towards your glorious stage.

I'm in.

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


I'm down.

Peel
Dec 3, 2007



You're a monster, and I'm in.

The flash rule will require some thought.

Jeza
Feb 13, 2011

The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.


I am not going to be in for a long time. Too busy recently to devote anywhere near enough attention to the 'dome and in a week I am without access to a computer until February.

Enjoy.

Rose Wreck
Jun 15, 2012


I'm part of the problem, my solution is Thunderdome.

I'm in.

Benagain
Oct 10, 2007

Student of the principle art of posting

Fun Shoe

This is the prompt I was made for.

I can feel it calling in the night.

Meis
Sep 2, 2011



Count me in. This should be fun!

Greatbacon
Apr 9, 2012

conquistador wuz heer



Perhaps by writing about it, I can learn more of what you humans call "love".

I'm in.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

Congratulations Sebmojo! The bridesmaid is finally the bride!

I'm in, I love love stories and music that goes along with love stories.

Ronnie_Long
Jun 7, 2003

cock of the walk

I'm going to go all The Notebook on your asses....







Oh, gently caress off, you've seen it too.

Stuporstar
May 5, 2008

Where do fists come from?


Sitting Here posted:

Congratulations Sebmojo! The bridesmaid is finally the bride!

I'm in, I love love stories and music that goes along with love stories.

As I will be your third judge, I'm imposing a flash rule on everyone.

FLASH RULE

IT MUST BE BOLLYWOOD

Rose Wreck
Jun 15, 2012


Does that mean that it has to specifically have a Bollywood song, or just that it has to have a woman running through an open field and random dancing?

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Stuporstar
May 5, 2008

Where do fists come from?


However you wish to interpret the prompt. There will be no further clarifications other than entertain me.

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