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Meis
Sep 2, 2011



V for Vegas posted:

Bounty - Meis

How many times did the barman recognise the protagonist? About the same amount of times the setting sunset coloured sun set I think. Getting through the setup we come to the meat of this, the conversation on a distant planet between two bounty hunting lovers and... not much. It read like one person having a conversation with themselves, I didn't really get a sense of these two, who are obviously meant to have strong personalities, differing from each other voice wise, and as such the reconciliation didn't really pack much punch.

I can't believe I didn't notice that I wrote the barman recognised her twice. I probably should have just re-wrote that whole paragraph instead of editing it, to prevent mess like that occurring. That was a mistake. The sunset part was just bad writing. Thanks for the feedback! I'll try to put more work into developing unique voices for next time, that's one of my main problems at the mo.

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V for Vegas
Aug 31, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER

Metamorphoses - Peel

I really liked the imagery and language in this. It hits its beats and knows what it's doing and ends well. Good job.

Gol Maal - Ronnie Long

I would have liked this immeasurably more if instead of reciting the history of the couple, you had spun out a few small vignettes of their previous life together and separation. Then we have characters to engage with, not a recitation of events. The parts that were about the characters interacting were pretty good, so just write more of that.

Bollywood Swinging Greatbacon

The writing in this feels too self-conscious. By that I mean it doesn't read like a story of something that happened, it reads like a series of sentences that describe events. For example 'The rest of the people at the table chuckle ' tells me there are people at a table, and they are chuckling. It doesn't tell me anything about the story, or who these people are, or if that had an effect on the protagonist. It's time-passing filler, ('a dog barked in the distance') like as a writer you need to be saying, 'OK he is walking to the table, fill in something while he goes there'. The story goes on like that, just describing things that happen which is necessary for a story, but it just doesn't feel any deeper than that. I hope this makes sense. The whole 'first person present' which describes past events was a little confusing as well.


Bert's Friend

A story about the fight with the ice cream man would have been more interesting. I don't understand how this follows the prompt (or at all frankly). Is Bert touching up Ronald McDonald?

Benagain
Oct 10, 2007

Student of the principle art of posting

Fun Shoe

God dammit. Serves me right for not checking the thread and assuming I knew the deadline. gently caress it, still posting mine.

Dharma

811 words

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTHNpusq654

It's a terrifying situation, being shot at by your ex. Even if it's only with a paintball gun. I'd been cut off from the rest of my team and now he was tearing through the trees with murder in his eyes as I ran like the scared little bitch I was.

“Look,” I yelled back over my shoulder, “I'm really sorry it wound up like this but could we just talk about it like adults?”

Paint exploded on a tree next to me and I shut up and ran harder. God, why the hell did I decide to break up with him just before a bachelor party? That was a loving bad idea even before I found out what we were doing.

I came to a hill and started scrambling down it as fast as I could, his posse's whoops coming clearly from behind me as they took potshots at me, the fuckers. It was probably karma that I wound up on the team with all the stoners. Poor bastards hadn't lasted ten minutes, paint burning through the air and covering them in the garish neon detritus of war as they stared hard in the opposite direction, not even reacting for a few seconds as the gloriously gory rounds beat a tattoo up their asses.

I spent a few moments regretting every single choice I'd ever made in my life as a cleared the air over a downed log.

Suddenly I saw a group of bodies ahead. I tried to freeze and twist around but it didn't work so well in mid-air, so I wound up sprawled on the ground between two groups of dudes which, y'know, under other circumstances and all but at the moment not desired.

Everything went still, guns pointing at each other but no one firing yet, no one wanting to be the guy who got return fire from the entire opposing team.

Jack stepped forward, glares angrily at me, then growled out “Just let me shoot him a few times. That's all I'm asking for.” gently caress, his voice is amazing.

Brad, the titular bachelor, who'd I always had a thing for even though he was doubling down on the straightness in a month, came back and spit out of the side his mouth. Not as attractive. Especially since he'd been chewing on some seeds or something and he wound up with a little particle geyser.

“I reckon I won't be doing that any time soon.” he said, rattling around the paintballs in his hopper. Oh god, he's talking like a cowboy. “Y'see this here feller's on my team, and there are bonds of loyalty that go with that. Pledges were made not even a half hour ago that we would have each other's backs until we broke for lunch and I intend to abide by that.”

Jack shook his head, frustrated. “Oh my god. Just let me shoot him a few times and I'll be fine.”

“I've got a better idea,” Brad said. “Why don't you use your words and try to talk this out. It's a horrible thing to shoot a man when you're angry at him.”

“See, this is what I was saying. We should talk, and then you can shoot me as much as you want!” I got to my feet slowly. “You've just been really overreacting to this entire thing and I think if you just took some time to think”

“Overreacting?” Jack yelped. “Overreacting? You were the one who freaked out and dumped me after I asked if you'd ever thought about getting married!”

“Well you were the one bringing up marriage to a guy you've been dating for three months! While I was shitfaced!” I took a few steps towards him, stopping when I realized he still had a loaded gun pointed right at me. “Look,” I said, moderating my tone, “you just sprung a poo poo ton on me and I've been having some difficulties processing it, is all.”

“So don't dump me! Talk to me!” he yelled. “I get that it was kind of freaky but c'mon man! I love you!”

He stared at me, panting hard.

“Yeah,” I said, sheepishly running my hands through my hair, “yeah I love you too. Never stopped and don't plan too. You just scare the poo poo out of me sometimes, with your emotions and your paintball gun and so on.”

He threw the gun away and spread his arms wide. “Aright, it's just the emotions now. Can you deal with that?”

I kissed him before he said anything else. The rest of the group celebrated by firing over our heads, a rainbow of color falling out of the sky.

Then they started shooting us, of course, but it was still pretty romantic.

Rose Wreck
Jun 15, 2012


I think I liked this! And its inevitable rain of color! It felt true to the challenge. I'm not a judge so you can have a poptab of appreciation.

I would say we let the losers wrap themselves up in this comforting story to sniffle for a bit before we shoot them into the sun or whatever we were doing. Did we have a more humane option hidden somewhere?

The Saddest Rhino
Apr 29, 2009

I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at four o'clock in the morning


V for Vegas posted:

OK let's get rolling on these.

Love in the Time of Circuitry, Pt II The Saddest Rhino

So we're back on the road with Sam and Jim, the two bears with a taste for wheezing electrical tumors and avoiding authority figures. Check some of your proof reading for small things like mixing up tenses e.g 'formed and dissipate'.

I get that this is meant to stand on its own, but I've read the last story and this is leveraging off 800 words the other people didn't get. I would have preferred this story was its own thing, which it could easily have been, and not reference the last one. The first half is the weaker half but the second gets into the prompt a lot more and culminates with Sam's monologue. I liked that, even though it was little cloying and I'm sure I've heard it somewhere before. I guess that's to be expected when the prompt is love and bollywood.


I will still never master tenses

I honestly did not think about leveraging when I wrote this but will keep in mind for future prompts. And yeah i wasnt very happy with the beginning of the first part, i was having trouble keeping within the wordcount while still having them dance around trees. Thanks for the crit!

Zack_Gochuck posted:

Bert's Friend (437 Words)


what is this

i'm sad now

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

Thunderdome Week XIX Results

How deep, indeed. Not deep enough to read the deadline post that's fer drat sure. Remember - thunderdome judges are treacherous and will try and trick you. Do not let them.

In the event the winner was clear - Peel takes the razorwire crown from V for Vegas with an elegantly gnarly tale that balances symmetrical precision and mythic richness. Honorable mention to Benagain, Chairchucker and Ronnie_Long.

Gredgie, a new contestant, grabs the loser's ceremonial cowshit hat and jams it over his head, grinning with idiot's glee as rivulets of bovine feculation trickle down his cheeks. Should have checked your line breaks, friend. Also, in future, write better words. Meis and Bad Seafood look on nervously.

Detailed crits to follow. Peel, take your seat on the dais.

Peel
Dec 3, 2007



Peel posted:

I'll show you guys one day. Soon. Soon...

gredgie
Dec 9, 2012

Is there any in this rout
with authority to treat with me?


Pros: I have a crown.
Cons: It's the worst of all the crowns.

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


At least you can read a watch.

Meis
Sep 2, 2011



gredgie posted:

Pros: I have a crown.
Cons: It's the worst of all the crowns.

See this is why you should not have listened to me when I said I didn't want to be the only newbie.

Congrats, Peel! I liked your story a lot, so I am glad you won.

Fanky Malloons
Aug 21, 2010

Is your social worker inside that horse?


gredgie posted:

Pros: I have a crown.

That's the spirit. Wear that poo poo crown with pride, son.

Peel
Dec 3, 2007



Soldiers from the dawn of time have trodden through poo poo. A poo poo-crown may be a foul crown, but it's the crown of a warrior. Unlike those guys who didn't even submit.



The prompt gestates and a keening comes from within the cocoon. The hour draws near.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

Saddest Rhino

Decent cyberpunky fragment, with creaky shoehorning of Bollywoody stuff into it. "The Sitar"? Really? And that's a lovely song, but I'm not getting the connection with your piece.

Rose Wreck

Space insects soulfully exchanging pheromones to a smooshy fingerpicked ballad while rows of space insect drones dance gangnam style is audacious and p drat cool. My quibble is mainly stylistic - it feels heavy, adjectives laden on everything make it a little clunky to read- could have done with a paring down edit pass. Still, solid entry.

Meis

Okay, let's be clear: "When I went inside, the look I received from the bartender gave me the impression he recognised me from the last time I was here, and that impression was confirmed when I asked him about Vanhi" is technically an English sentence, but it's not one that has any place in the 'Dome.

There's a lot of faffing and padding around in this story and the central love story has almost no weight to it. Also, the first two paragraphs could be cut entirely. As could the wibbling about detector bracelets. And it's not very Bollywood. On the plus side, there's at least the possibility of a decent story in here, and I like the match with the song. Crank it up for next week if you want to avoid the clammy embrace of the losertar.

Gredgie

The difference between romance and cliche is that romance doesn't get called 'The Broken Chains of Oppression'. There's nothing wrong with the structure here, but it's just smooshed up into a slurry of terrible prose. You have a train carriage full of ways you could subtly convey the things you come out and baldly say, and that makes me weep a tiny Bollywood tear at the missed opportunities.

Plus: linebreaks. They are what you might call a pet peeve. You pipped Meis at the post for losertar this week, and frankly if you'd just hit enter a few times more you could have avoided it. Nice song, though a little lacking in story-related drama, it just wurbles pleasantly along.

Peel

I second guessed my winner pick a couple of times, wondering if you'd taken an easy route casting it as a myth - but no, it's just a really nice piece of work. The shifts between species somehow work on both a mythic and a metaphorical level, and the drama of the music is an exact match with the story, something most of the other music/story matches missed. As for the Bollywood prompt - this is the sort of thing that Bollywood movies get written about, so that works too.

Ronnie_Long

I liked this. A nice grounded sense of detail, and of the way those details emotionally affect the protagonist. That said, Aadi was a bit of a cipher which removed some of the impact. And you missed a trick by describing their partnership from what seemed to be an external viewpoint rather than the protagonist's experiences. Song choice was acceptable, if obvious - you could have got more mileage out of it by linking some meaning in the song or the movie itself to the story.

Greatbacon

Ehh. I mean yay for the detail about what it's like to be on a film set, but this reads like a transcript of an interview with Starfuckers Gazette (now weekly!). Competently written, so there's that, but no emotional impact to speak of. Great song choice, though. I HAVEN'T GOT A THING TO... WEAR...

zACK gOCHUCK

As a piece of writing, I actually like this a lot. Stripped down, nice detail, an insight into a weird and slightly depressing world. As a response to the prompt it fails on every conceivable level. Middling song choice, though it does give me the opportunity to say that one time I saw Beck at a festival, he wore his sparkly suit and moved like an musical cheetah.

Chairchucker

This actually warmed my heart, sure and it did. Cleanly written, Bollywood styles wittily-integrated, terrible 'blue dwarf' line delivered with panache. Falls down on the final line - should have skipped it. However, 1000 points - out of 100! - for the music. 900 of those points for Mr T's satin shorts.

Bad Seafood

Hmm. This is all kinds of muddled, Mr Seafood, and even veers close to loserville. The tenses waft around, it's unclear what's happening with pronouns, the characters are moving from place to place or maybe they're not - I bounced right off it. Lovely tune, though, which matches the dreamy ambience you are trying to create.

Benagain

This is a tight and excellent piece that uses its words to sketch a world and then fills it with stuff we can care about. Funny, too, and a great song choice. Contender for winner if you could have only clicked on a goddam link.

Rose Wreck
Jun 15, 2012


sebmojo posted:

Rose Wreck

Space insects soulfully exchanging pheromones to a smooshy fingerpicked ballad while rows of space insect drones dance gangnam style is audacious and p drat cool. My quibble is mainly stylistic - it feels heavy, adjectives laden on everything make it a little clunky to read- could have done with a paring down edit pass. Still, solid entry.

The impression I am getting is "Rose, you could be a decent writer, but you need a goddamn editor like the abominable Dr. Phibes needs the sweet, sweet nectar of revenge."

True or false? I'm debating entering the next round just because I'm not sure I can do better than that,* so it's possible that stylistically speaking I don't write what Thunderdome wants.

*I can spell "dais" right now, that's well worth the price of admission.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

Rose Wreck posted:

The impression I am getting is "Rose, you could be a decent writer, but you need a goddamn editor like the abominable Dr. Phibes needs the sweet, sweet nectar of revenge."

True or false? I'm debating entering the next round just because I'm not sure I can do better than that,* so it's possible that stylistically speaking I don't write what Thunderdome wants.

*I can spell "dais" right now, that's well worth the price of admission.

You're not going to get any more ego-salving praise. As I said, it was a solid piece that needed a bit of a trim.

Stick around if you want to improve your writing.

V for Vegas
Aug 31, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER

Rose Wreck posted:

The impression I am getting is "Rose, you could be a decent writer, but you need a goddamn editor like the abominable Dr. Phibes needs the sweet, sweet nectar of revenge."

True or false? I'm debating entering the next round just because I'm not sure I can do better than that,* so it's possible that stylistically speaking I don't write what Thunderdome wants.

*I can spell "dais" right now, that's well worth the price of admission.

What is this bullshit? You know how to string a sentence together, and you have some good ideas, just keep writing. You can *always* do better. I want to see you in the next round.

Rose Wreck
Jun 15, 2012


sebmojo posted:

Stick around if you want to improve your writing.

Fair enough. I have other projects I'm working on outside Thunderdome, and I'm concerned for those.

If I need to search out an editor I will. But they're not entries so I won't keep discussing them here.

Fanky Malloons
Aug 21, 2010

Is your social worker inside that horse?


Rose Wreck posted:

If I need to search out an editor I will. But they're not entries so I won't keep discussing them here.

You don't need to find an editor, you need to learn to self-edit. The only way to improve is to learn what works and what doesn't, and to recognize it in your own writing. Then once you've edited as much as you think you can, you let other people have a crack at it to catch things you missed or make you cut the little things you couldn't bear to take out the first time.

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


sebmojo posted:



zACK gOCHUCK

As a piece of writing, I actually like this a lot. Stripped down, nice detail, an insight into a weird and slightly depressing world. As a response to the prompt it fails on every conceivable level. Middling song choice, though it does give me the opportunity to say that one time I saw Beck at a festival, he wore his sparkly suit and moved like an musical cheetah.



Thanks for this. The ending started out a lot happier in my head, then I started changing it to fit the flash rules, and then I just kind of forgot that this was supposed to be happy.

Peel
Dec 3, 2007



Thunderdome Week XX: Face Your Destiny


Time marches on. It's week twenty, you aren't teenagers anymore, but most of you can't even read a clock yet. Even so, your fate is come, right on schedule, and you'd better deal with it.

The prompt is 'Time waits for no one'. This sentence, sentiment, senility, whatever need not be explicitly stated, but it must inform your story.

Additionally, I will randomly assign each contestant one of the Major Arcana of the Tarot, with a number between I and XX. The cards will not be duplicated, if there are too many of you I will break open the minors. Your card and its meaning must also inform your story.

The deadline for entries is 00:00 GMT, Thursday 20 December 2012. The deadline for submissions is 00:00 GMT, Sunday 23 December, 2012. This week, there is zero tolerance on this deadline. I don't care if your house burns down or your entire extended family drops in to visit - by signing up, you are betting that this won't happen. Missing the deadline will incur a special penalty. Fate is watching. Do not tempt her.

You have one thousand words. Get cracking.

GMT clock.


Judges: Peel, Sebmojo and Stuporstar

Entrants:
Fanky Malloons - Judgment
Etherwind - The Heirophant
Tender Child Loins - The Tower
SurreptitiousMuffin - The Magician
V for Vegas - The Sun
Bad Seafood - The Star
Prolonged Priapism - The Hanged Man
Noah - The Empress
Benagain - The Lovers
Sitting Here - Temperance
Nyarai - The Devil
The Saddest Rhino - The Chariot
Kaishai - The Hermit
Chairchucker - Justice
Capntastic - Death
Gredgie - The Moon
Zack_Gochuck - The High Priestess
Greatbacon - Wheel of Fortune
Velyoukai - Strength
BirdOfPlay - The Emperor
Meis - Four of Wands
Martello - Page of Coins
toranoradian - Seven of Wands
Tonsured - Six of Wands
WilliamAnderson - Page of Cups
Swaziloo - Knight of Cups
Beezle Bug - Two of Wands
Erik Shawn-Bohner - Nine of Swords
twinkle cave - Two of Cups

Fanky Malloons
Aug 21, 2010

Is your social worker inside that horse?


drat, I'm so in.

Etherwind
Apr 22, 2008
Probation
Can't post for 2034 days!


Soiled Meat

I would like to sign up for this, but my girlfriend arrives on the 22nd, so that makes the schedule a bit difficult.

So, with that in mind: would it be possible to get a Tarot prompt early? To balance it out, I'd be cool with my deadline being brought forward by a similar amount of time. If you're cool with that, I'm in, otherwise I'll have to pass until January.

Tooth update: medicated.

witchcore ricepunk
Jul 6, 2003

The Golden Witch
Who Solved the Epitaph


A Probability of 1/2,578,917


Time to redeem my dumbass self. Sign me up!

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


IN IT.

Etherwind posted:

So, with that in mind: would it be possible to get a Tarot prompt early? To balance it out, I'd be cool with my deadline being brought forward by a similar amount of time.

Me too. Going camping on the 21st/22nd until after Christmas.

V for Vegas
Aug 31, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER

Signed.

Peel
Dec 3, 2007



Etherwind posted:

I would like to sign up for this, but my girlfriend arrives on the 22nd, so that makes the schedule a bit difficult.

So, with that in mind: would it be possible to get a Tarot prompt early? To balance it out, I'd be cool with my deadline being brought forward by a similar amount of time. If you're cool with that, I'm in, otherwise I'll have to pass until January.

Tooth update: medicated.

Actually I was planning to give people cards as they signed up, but the mid-week twist you're implicitly suggesting here is a great idea I'm making official. But having two days to implant major thematic elements might just get us a lot of bad writing, so in view of that the signup deadline has been advanced to 00:00 GMT Thursday.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


Peel posted:

Actually I was planning to give people cards as they signed up, but the mid-week twist you're implicitly suggesting here is a great idea I'm making official. But having two days to implant major thematic elements might just get us a lot of bad writing, so in view of that the signup deadline has been advanced to 00:00 GMT Thursday.
Uh ... that's the same deadline as you already said, isn't it? Can me n' Etherwind still get our cards early?

Peel
Dec 3, 2007



The old deadline was Friday.

It looks like this might be common given the season, so people who have schedule problems can request to have an early draw PMed to them at 00:00 GMT on the 18th or 19th. You'll still only have 72 hours after the draw to submit, and I'll request that you don't post until signups are complete.

Time waits for no-one, but for some people, it speeds up.

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


Only cure for a slump is to climb out of it.

I'm all in.

Prolonged Priapism
Dec 21, 2007
Holy hookrat Sally smoking crack in the alley!

I'm in.

Etherwind
Apr 22, 2008
Probation
Can't post for 2034 days!


Soiled Meat

Okay, I'm in on the condition that I get a Tarot on the 18th. I have lots of stuff to do, so the earlier the better.

Noah
May 31, 2011

Come at me baby bitch


In.

Benagain
Oct 10, 2007

Student of the principle art of posting

Fun Shoe

In! This sounds rad as hell. THIS TIME I WILL NOT BE LATE.

Rose Wreck
Jun 15, 2012


Etherwind posted:

Tooth update: medicated.

Could be worse. Also I miss your old icon, try to win.

Passing on this round. Why? Because I need that time. I'm going to rewrite my first Thunderdome entry and add a chapter to both works in progress by the time this one closes. Not posting the chapters, will post the rewrite, and if I don't have it all done I'm automatically in next 'dome. For two entries.

Etherwind
Apr 22, 2008
Probation
Can't post for 2034 days!


Soiled Meat

Not that it's going to apply to me, but what happens if you win after losing? Do you get your old avatar back?

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

I will be in for real this week. My garage temporarily became a homeless shelter but one resident randomly went to Ohio and the other now has an apartment, so I finally get to come home and write without being in a constant state of quiet misanthropy.

I still have to locate and dump out some errant pee bottles but after than I AM BACK you fuckers.

Don't ever let drunk people be alone in your home with a lot of paint, by the way.

Etherwind
Apr 22, 2008
Probation
Can't post for 2034 days!


Soiled Meat

Sitting Here posted:

without being in a constant state of quiet misanthropy.

As opposed to a soberly, intermittent state, one assumes.

Nyarai
Jul 19, 2012

Jenn here.


I missed you dudes. It's been a couple depressing months without the 'dome. I may have nearly had an anxiety attack writing/submitting, but damned if I didn't grin for like a week straight afterwards. I'm clearly not gonna get over my writer's block/depression by staring at my computer and wishing for energy.

IN.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

Etherwind posted:

Not that it's going to apply to me, but what happens if you win after losing? Do you get your old avatar back?

We don't know.

No-one's ever done it.

ARE YOU A BAD ENOUGH DUDE?

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Rose Wreck
Jun 15, 2012


Sitting Here posted:

I still have to locate and dump out some errant pee bottles



Yeah make that three chapters for me by the time this round's wrapped, it's only fair.

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