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Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

The man was stunningly well dressed. He had a smart looking jacket, and a really neat looking cape, the lining of which was shimmering and sparkling in more than Oriental splendour, which is a great deal of splendour indeed, just ask Kipling.

Capntastic posted:


I'd've liked this a lot more if there were a stronger sense of blocking, since I was picturing generic throne room on-top-of-Olympus with clouds and poo poo until the rock showed up and then I wasn't so sure. If you were intending a sort of spaceless quality to it, I feel like you'd need to play up the awkward waiting gestures, watch-checking and all, a bunch more.


I... don't know what you mean by blocking. (They weren't supposed to be in a throne room, just kind of chilling by some crossroads or something like that.)

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dreadmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

Chairchucker posted:

I... don't know what you mean by blocking. (They weren't supposed to be in a throne room, just kind of chilling by some crossroads or something like that.)

BLOCKING is a term used in theatre and means the details of how actors move around in a scene!

toanoradian
May 30, 2011

The happiest waffligator


I know nothing and I apologize.

Peel
Dec 3, 2007



People who are late post anyway and I'll give you a short crit even though you can't win.

It's always better to get the story out.

Meis
Sep 2, 2011



sebmojo posted:

BLOCKING is a term used in theatre and means the details of how actors move around in a scene!



I have learned a thing today.

twinkle cave
Dec 20, 2012


WHICH IS IT?
G-unit vs G-Unit
i suck.

twinkle cave
Dec 20, 2012


Week XX crits in brief

ternary attribution
-1 = kill yourself
0 = attendant lord
1 = dome worthy fodder

Punctuality is next to Godliness - Chairfhcucker - Justice
greek god fan fic = -1.

The mountebank - SurreptitiousMuffin - The Mountebank
ramblebank = -1

Signal Fire - Kaishai - The Hermit
PV tendancy of fishmongers = -1

Home - Beezle Bug - 2 Wands
impending doom = 0

Scheduling - Capntastic - Death
smile inducing = 1

Lessons - The Saddest Rhino - The Chariot
multiple property crossover choose your own adventure = -1

The Tricks of Six - gredgie - The Moon
if it were easy women and children would do it= -1

A Cold Evening at George St. Croix Train Terminal - Greatbacon - Wheel of Fortune
"brisk wind of winter" "bright orange light creep" "iron behemoth"
heavy hands of nothing happens = -1

Victory or Death - Nyarai - The Devil
the game must not go on = -1

Leaving HabSix - swaziloo - Knight of Cups
"Maybe she sat still." make up your mind = -1

Improper Time - Prolonged Priapism - The Hanged Man
undisclosed = 1

A Mother's Love - Noah - The Empress
profile of a whiney bitch-rear end = -1

Meis - Two Ends of the Colour Spectrum - Four of Wands
imaginative use of color = -1

Shlorp's Speed, Mr. Parkinsons - Tonsured - Six of Wands
humorous but younglings will believe anything = -1

At the Crimson Hotel - Erik Shawn-Bohner - Nine of Swords
pfff = -1

What is a Feast - Sitting Here - Temperance
well written, uncompelling = -1

The Stars at Night - twinkle cave - Two of Cups
learn to type = -1

Okada's Tower - Tender Child Loins - The Tower
well written, fraggy = -1

New Friends - Zack_Gochuck - The High Priestess
enjoyable insanity postcard = -1

Late - WilliamAnderson - Page of Cups
cool premise = 0

Intervention - Etherwind - The Hierophant
lost point = -1

Broken Pieces - Bad Seafood - The Star
depressed drunk lady chatter = -1

Pigs - toanoradian - Seven of Wands
schticky science = -1

Alligator - Fanky Malloons - Judgement
goofy = -1

re-cap
22 suicides
2 watching the ladies come and go
2 tolerable

though not all suicides were of equal merit, death is death, and this is the thunderdome.

Fanky Malloons
Aug 21, 2010

Is your social worker inside that horse?



Well, it is Christmas

Meis
Sep 2, 2011



twinkle cave posted:

re-cap
22 suicides
2 watching the ladies come and go
2 tolerable

26 man enter, 4 man leave.

Lot of blood on the Thunderdome floor.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW


Who here would donate their stories to a TD anthology in good ole print (with possible e-book edition--but why bother)? Either it'd be sold at cost or at low profit to support something like a literary magazine, remove marks of shame from losers that do well, donate to a charity, or some other poo poo.

And who would buy it?

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

^^^^I would contribute and also buy it, assuming it doesn't cost anything.


Gonna do some quick crits from page 74, I'll do em all if I have time. The less words I write the more I liked your story probably (maybe [not really]).

Then I spose I'll be killing myself per twinkle cave, been fun dudes. Just remember that I have rigged the dome with 12000 tons of explodium, the most explosive compound known to man, which will be triggered the moment the microchip in my heart stops detecting electric impulses. gg Sitting here, gg.


Swaziloo
Abrupt, repetetive. The writing is like an arrhythmic staccato tapped out by chipped fingernails. Had trouble following the action, and the plot was swallowed in lots of minute details that bogged the story down rather than fleshed it out. IE I know more about the claminess of the girl character's skin than I do about the environment they are in. Someone wants to leave but also stay and also have sex but maybe they are related? I liked the clam though.

You DID manage to capture some of the Knight of Cups, though, with the aquatic setting and the theme of change/leaving, as well as hinting at some sort of emotional bond between the characters. This would have been all the more clear without the unnecessary descriptions of spinning/sitting still, giggling, giggling some more, clamminess, wetness, and dampness. Overall, work on varying sentence length and ruthlessly hack apart those extra, unnecessary details.


Prolonged Priaprism
I pretty much like this. I feel like some of the zero-g-acceleration-vector-johnsonrod stuff would be better served in a longer piece since the story felt like it ended a bit abruptly. I liked the dialog between the computer and Raahi.

As for the theme, I thought that the image of Raahi suspended in zero g was a pretty good scifi take on the hanged man.


Noah
I guess my biggest issue here is that the plot feels kind of limp and doesn't really go anywhere. You've got a lady reminiscing about her coma and torn apart family and then she sorta just keeps reminiscing and being alone and depressing. The description of the phallic remote control had me hoping for something more metaphorical, since the Empress is supposed to be a very virile and powerful lady card. Like she could have at least thrown the penis remote across the room. But she didn't, and I was disappointed.


Meis
The formatting made me grumpy. There should be a lot more line breaks than there are. In any case, this was sweet and lighthearted and if you could simplify it down into a children's book I would totally read it to my 7 year old bro.

That said, the narration feels a little off. Bits like "Machines can't sleep to get energy back, that would be silly" read like they should be a character's line. When the narrator says it, it's sort of redundant commentary because the rest of the action is contingent on the robots lookiing for a power source. You could also tighten stuff up, like "She stared at them with those beady, organic eyes that humans use."

The Four of Wands is an excitable, free-spirited card and I thought you captured that pretty well with the cheerful, adventurous robots.


Tonsured
It's a bit geraniquacky, but it made me smippal none the less. If only humanity knew that our enlightenment hinged on the mountain dewiest among us.

I don't really know precisely what it has to do with your card, which appears to be the six of wands? But tarot is absurd anyway, much like this story, so you get a pass from me.


ESB
There are some typos and stuff. And there are. Lots of really. Abrupt. Sentences.

This pretty 9 of swords, not the nine-of-swordsest thing I've ever read but it's there. It was allll just a dream. Or was i..t....?


twinkle cave
""Can't liver[sic?] forever," I reply then touch the orb," G-unit/Unit (maybe the orb made him evolve a bigger Unit?)
Also I am confused by the
line breaks,
as this could have been just as easily
read with normal formatting.

Not really sure what it has to do with the card except that there are two people and two cups, and the planets have some water on them or something.
Kind of cool story,
though.


Tender Child Loins
So a Japanese captain thinks the war is still on and is living in some kind of twisty tower until some dude comes and shows him a cell phone? IDK I feel like the Tower is a much more dramatic card. I guess it WOULD kind of bust your world to be an isolated combatant for 60 years and then have some dude show up with his nonsense words and new fangled technology. But either I am not getting a clear picture of what you were trying to do, or the story needs to not end so abruptly without any real resolution or whatever.


Zack_Gochuck
What


WilliamAnderson
Short and sweet, and pretty on theme with the card you got so good on you! That said, something about this kind of missed the mark for me. Maybe it's because I wanted the painting at the end to be more poignant and symbolic, except I didn't really get what the symbolism had to do with the rest of the story.


Etherwind
I've already told you this was a peeve of mine, stuff like "Fragments of something not unlike flint dug into her feet..." It is my personal stylistic opinion that in writing it muddles up the imagery to try and describe what something is by saying what it is "not unlike." I mean it could be any kind of rock, you could just say "shards of rock" or even "shards of petrified poo poo." Same thing with "unquiet reflection" a couple paragraphs down.

Overall your writing reads like you have a lot of imagery in your head that is hard to pare down into flash fiction-sized bites. You have to be pretty ruthless and surgical when you're picking which details to use/not use, especially when you're writing fantasy or magical realism where poo poo can get weird pretty fast.

As for the The Heirophant, I felt like the theme could have been a little more clear but you def. touched on it with the ritualistic descriptions with the alters and whatnot.


Bad Seafood
This is the only Poignant Slice of Life story I enjoyed this week so far. I like the end, because we don't need to know who Rachel is to know that, like the broken glass, the narrator needs to let her go. I also liked "like she was painting the bottom of the glass with whiskey."

I'm assuming that Mattie kind of embodied the Star here, in which case I thought it was decently subtle. I was expecting you to talk about actual stars or something, but I was kind of pleasantly surprised.


toanoradian
I liked this. It's zany.


..........and actually that's all I have time for today, sorry the rest of page 74, maybe I will get around to you later.

Peel
Dec 3, 2007



There were a few stories this week that ended abruptly. Don't be afraid to use all your words, people!

I'll give my individual crits sometime after the results are out.

Meis
Sep 2, 2011



Sitting Here posted:

Meis
The formatting made me grumpy. There should be a lot more line breaks than there are. In any case, this was sweet and lighthearted and if you could simplify it down into a children's book I would totally read it to my 7 year old bro.

That said, the narration feels a little off. Bits like "Machines can't sleep to get energy back, that would be silly" read like they should be a character's line. When the narrator says it, it's sort of redundant commentary because the rest of the action is contingent on the robots lookiing for a power source. You could also tighten stuff up, like "She stared at them with those beady, organic eyes that humans use."

The Four of Wands is an excitable, free-spirited card and I thought you captured that pretty well with the cheerful, adventurous robots.

I was expecting worse than that to be honest, considering that I had to conceive of and write it on satirday while doing other things, a fact I will use to defend my lousy formatting. I was unsure of that robots don't sleep line in the narration at the time, so yeah.. "when in doubt, leave it out" is a piece of good advice I read somewhere that I should have remembered. Thanks for the crit!

I should try my hand at doing crits one of these weeks.

Fanky Malloons
Aug 21, 2010

Is your social worker inside that horse?


Erik Shawn-Bohner posted:

Who here would donate their stories to a TD anthology in good ole print (with possible e-book edition--but why bother)? Either it'd be sold at cost or at low profit to support something like a literary magazine, remove marks of shame from losers that do well, donate to a charity, or some other poo poo.

And who would buy it?

I would both donate, and purchase. And probably make a bunch of other people I know purchase it too.

The Saddest Rhino
Apr 29, 2009

I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at four o'clock in the morning


twinkle cave is the finest present to Thunderdome this yuletide and I would not hear otherwise.

Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

The man was stunningly well dressed. He had a smart looking jacket, and a really neat looking cape, the lining of which was shimmering and sparkling in more than Oriental splendour, which is a great deal of splendour indeed, just ask Kipling.

Erik Shawn-Bohner posted:

Who here would donate their stories to a TD anthology in good ole print (with possible e-book edition--but why bother)? Either it'd be sold at cost or at low profit to support something like a literary magazine, remove marks of shame from losers that do well, donate to a charity, or some other poo poo.

And who would buy it?

I'm sure this hypothetical anthology needs an example of a losing story, and I'm happy to oblige!

Capntastic
Jan 13, 2005

A dog begins eating a dusty old coil of rope but there's a nail in it.

Fallen Rib

We've tossed the anthology idea around before, with no real resolutions made.

Capntastic posted:

If this does happen, there's a lot of logistical problems that crop up as soon as money gets involved. Especially if the only people being featured in the thing are "Winners", which seems like a precarious barrier to entry, even if it is thematically appropriate.

A better way to handle it would to let anyone who's been semi-regular contestant put up one polished story, put it on a site, and then have both .pdf and ebook formats available. Put up a paypal donation button with a suggested amount per download of a dollar or two, and put that money towards maintaining the site. That way Thunderdome has a cool site to show off winners and losers every week to the non-Goon public, as well as get the names of regulars out there. And since the grand jackpot of six dollars raised a year would go towards keeping the site up, no one has to sweat over "where's my money, Martello?"

I'd still be up for throwing stories o' mine into the ring.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW


I'd just say toss all the stories in. Win, lose, middle. Organize it by week 1, 2, 3 etc.

Not make a production out of it or pay writers or anything. Just to take all this poo poo and put it in print so you can have it on the shelf. If everyone elected to pay a little over cost, the money can be thrown at whatever the group wants.

I agree I don't want to get any hands dirty handling money, so it's more about tossing together a project to let those who are interested have their (and others') work in print.

Tonsured
Jan 13, 2005

I came across mention of a Gnostic codex called The Unreal God and the Aspects of His Nonexistent Universe, an idea which reduced me to helpless laughter. What kind of person would write about something that he knows doesn't exist, and how can something that doesn't exist have aspects?

Just mouth-farts but,
Maybe nontraditional is something to look into, exactly because of the logistical problems. From my stand point the people here would have no problem coming up with a 2 dollar e-book actually worth three bucks. I could see people fighting for the rights to certain aspects of the book -really possibilities are endless.

Just be realistic and expect the majority of projects to fail, the ones that succeed should still be worth it?

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW


no loving clue what you just said bro

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


I'll only buy it if it's printed in the true spirit of the Thunderdome. With blood.

Tonsured
Jan 13, 2005

I came across mention of a Gnostic codex called The Unreal God and the Aspects of His Nonexistent Universe, an idea which reduced me to helpless laughter. What kind of person would write about something that he knows doesn't exist, and how can something that doesn't exist have aspects?

Erik Shawn-Bohner posted:

no loving clue what you just said bro

I tend to get that.

Fanky Malloons
Aug 21, 2010

Is your social worker inside that horse?


Erik Shawn-Bohner posted:

I'd just say toss all the stories in. Win, lose, middle. Organize it by week 1, 2, 3 etc.

Not make a production out of it or pay writers or anything. Just to take all this poo poo and put it in print so you can have it on the shelf. If everyone elected to pay a little over cost, the money can be thrown at whatever the group wants.

I agree I don't want to get any hands dirty handling money, so it's more about tossing together a project to let those who are interested have their (and others') work in print.

I'd rather pick one or two of my favourite submissions than include all of them (because some of them were terrible). I'm sure there is probably information in the slef-publishing thread regarding what to do about the issue of money/profit and donating the proceeds to something the group agrees on, right?

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW


Fanky Malloons posted:

I'd rather pick one or two of my favourite submissions than include all of them (because some of them were terrible). I'm sure there is probably information in the slef-publishing thread regarding what to do about the issue of money/profit and donating the proceeds to something the group agrees on, right?

Just pop it onto a print on demand service at cost. People buy it if they want it. No fuss, no muss, no goon projects to worry about. They take your money and mail you the book.

Etherwind
Apr 22, 2008
Probation
Can't post for 2063 days!


Soiled Meat

Rather than source the contents from the Thunderdome's previous entries, why not hold a new "round" specifically for it?

Work out the book's parameters (overall word count, rough number of words per entrant, number of entrants, theme, format considerations) then hold a contest whereby anyone who's competed in Thunderdome can submit a story that fits, with the best however-many stories making it into the final volume. Obviously you'd want to be more flexible with the prompt and theme, and more generous with the deadline period, to allow people time to put together the very best they can do. Might even be worth it to have the winners pool for a professional editing pass.

To be honest, it seems more in the spirit of Thunderdome that inclusion be competitive.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW


That borders on goon project. And we all know the histories of those. If you're going to write something you think is publishable, then go get it published by a reputable rag/anthology.

I'm thinking more of a personal memento we can keep on our shelves rather than something to get a lot of buys.

Etherwind
Apr 22, 2008
Probation
Can't post for 2063 days!


Soiled Meat

Okay, but I'd still suggest that places in the final volume be competitive.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW


Etherwind posted:

Okay, but I'd still suggest that places in the final volume be competitive.

sounds like a popular idea.

Also, a few CCers want to put together a mag. Some people have offered some financial backing as well. I thought that could be supplemented by adding a dollar or so onto the cost of this here project. Maybe offer the writers that get accepted a token payment, but we'd have to agree on a lot of poo poo to get that running. That's why I thought this little anthology would be a good test-run. Get a feel for the process and make it inclusive and private among us. Maybe move on to grander things after.

Capntastic
Jan 13, 2005

A dog begins eating a dusty old coil of rope but there's a nail in it.

Fallen Rib

On the subject of collusion and good old boy tactics, how many of you have websites?

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW


Capntastic posted:

On the subject of collusion and good old boy tactics, how many of you have websites?

hahaha


Welcome to my personal website!!! [insert under construction gif]

Capntastic
Jan 13, 2005

A dog begins eating a dusty old coil of rope but there's a nail in it.

Fallen Rib

Erik Shawn-Bohner posted:

hahaha


Welcome to my personal website!!! [insert under construction gif]

toanoradian
May 30, 2011

The happiest waffligator


Capntastic posted:

On the subject of collusion and good old boy tactics, how many of you have websites?

Do friendster account counts if so mine is *******assnoradian

dreadmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

Judging is ongoing, it is proving difficult on account of you are all such terrible writers. Watch this space.

Peel
Dec 3, 2007



Prolly also Christmas. Also I think we're all in different timezones or something. Lots of alright pieces this week, but it was hard to find something stand-out. Stand-out upwards, at least.



The cards shuffle once more, and reveal your fates.




The Saddest Rhino draws the World and wins the day, with an amusing juxtaposition of the high and the low that charmed the heart of the fates. You are replacing Sebmojo and are chief justice next week.

An honourable mention goes to Chairchucker, who sacked up first when no other would with a worn comic theme, but one well done. As Stuporstar is also retiring this week, you get to be third judge. You're getting closer and closer to that crown.




Gredgie almost avoided being the Fool for the second week in a row, but the mercy of the fates was outweighed by their duty, faced with clumsiness, creepiness, and a character called 'Max Storm'. I'm not sure if it was an attempt at parody but if so, it didn't work. But look on the bright side - the Fool is full of potential, as Chairchucker shows us. Keep on truckin'.

Dishonorable mentions go to swaziloo and Beezle Bug for confused and confusing SF shorts with characters we didn't care about. Next time, put some scientific precision in your scientific fiction.




And V for Vegas, Benagain, Velyoukai, BirdOfPrey and Martello were crushed utterly by their doom. If they manage to recover in time for next week, they will have to suffer under a special restriction on content, word count, or something else the judges find amusing.



Individual crits to come sometime when I have time.

toanoradian
May 30, 2011

The happiest waffligator


Chairchucker as judge? It's a Christmas miracle!

Also, congrats to The Saddest Rhino. As a Christmas presentbribe (also because you're hilarious), have a bit of time with an avatar of a living rhino.

Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

The man was stunningly well dressed. He had a smart looking jacket, and a really neat looking cape, the lining of which was shimmering and sparkling in more than Oriental splendour, which is a great deal of splendour indeed, just ask Kipling.

Huzzah! Also this will be my last week for a bit because I'm moving and thus won't have internet for a bit.

The Saddest Rhino
Apr 29, 2009

I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at four o'clock in the morning


The honour of Grayskull has led me to the path of victory, at last

It's midnight here but I'll send a quick message to judges in a moment. Other participants: feel free to despair (happy holidays).

toanoradian posted:

Also, congrats to The Saddest Rhino. As a Christmas presentbribe (also because you're hilarious), have a bit of time with an avatar of a living rhino.

Oh man, thanks! I will try to keep this longer than my last living rhino avatar, and
have some deep thoughts about your bribe gift. Maybe I won't give you a flash rule, ha ha.

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW


toanoradian posted:

Where did those days of frolicking in the fields, caressing all sorts of cats go?

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

Yay Saddest Rhino! The battle over your avatar was clearly meant to dishearten you, but you buckled down, ate some rusty nails and dirty needles to get your daily recommended amount of grit, and showed that anonymous, red-text-using motherfucker what for.

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swaziloo
Aug 29, 2012


Sitting Here posted:

Swaziloo
Abrupt, repetetive. The writing is like an arrhythmic staccato tapped out by chipped fingernails. Had trouble following the action, and the plot was swallowed in lots of minute details that bogged the story down rather than fleshed it out. IE I know more about the claminess of the girl character's skin than I do about the environment they are in. Someone wants to leave but also stay and also have sex but maybe they are related? I liked the clam though.

You DID manage to capture some of the Knight of Cups, though, with the aquatic setting and the theme of change/leaving, as well as hinting at some sort of emotional bond between the characters. This would have been all the more clear without the unnecessary descriptions of spinning/sitting still, giggling, giggling some more, clamminess, wetness, and dampness. Overall, work on varying sentence length and ruthlessly hack apart those extra, unnecessary details.

Peel posted:

Dishonorable mentions go to swaziloo [...] confused and confusing SF shorts with characters we didn't care about. Next time, put some scientific precision in your scientific fiction.

Feedback is very much appreciated. I can see that my attempt to convey the perceptions of a mind severely altered for the first time (by something not unlike MDMA) was lost on, apparently, everyone.

The theme I see in my Thunderdome reviews: I need to be less subtle for this audience.

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