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Derp I honestly cannot remember my rationale for not putting breaks in there. But there was one. Ah yes. All the better to messily put out the judges judging eyes with.
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Sep 23, 2012 04:13
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| # ? Apr 26, 2024 18:36 |
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Free burgers are an acceptable excuse. But yes, I'd love to see your comments, especially because it was the first poem I've written since 2007.
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Sep 23, 2012 04:30
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quote:
First line reads well. You might want to try re-arranging some of the material; and think about making use of some more descriptive terms. "Hot wind stirs" owns. Really works to put the piece in place. "Up 'Round" instead of "Around" gives a gusting, shoving, pressing inflection to the action of the wind. Ungloved is a little awkward in the scansion, though. Maybe replacing it with "Bare" and then making up the syllable deficit on your adjective in that line? "My Fingers Bare on skybaked black plastic", or something. Words such as "in", especially to modify a first person possessive just chews up syllabic space; and in a blank-verse iamb-format, you've got sparse enough space in which to work. Think about something such as "Barking death; I, with sunburnt hands, do scan" quote:Bloodlust burns in my eyes like fever heat "in" again. Metaphor is stronger than similie; the poem will denote that it's your eyes by dint of you saying it. "My eyes burn with Bloodlust's haze-fevered heat". quote:Bloodlust cords my lean dry muscles like whips quote:A little girl looks up at me, she smiles The choice to leave out punctuation is solid. I respect that choice. You might find some additional punch in semi-colons and hyphens, though. The denotation of pause being ascribed can be as powerful as the words you use. "I see my niece in her sweet curls and smile." This is a GREAT line. "I see my niece in her - sweet curls and smile." takes that line, and forces a moment of inspection. It directly ascribes the attributes to the girl, draws the parallel with your niece, and forces the reader to actually place the pause in their own reading, drawing that picture inside their own mind. It's good stuff. It really comes off as solid, personal, and heartfelt. A little polish, and it could be even better.
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Sep 23, 2012 05:10
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 Results It's been a very up and down week here at Thunderdome VII but we're at the last stretch. The judges were pretty much unanimous and so, coming out a triumphant first place, our first-ever second-time winner is budgeinspector who made us laugh, cry, then swear never to vote again. Close but no cigar, the trailing pack of runners-up consisted of sebmojo, wrageowrapper and black griffon. Special award for most-improved goes to chairchucker. May your scars one day bring you victory, little dude. Special other award for better-joke-entry-post-submission-that's-better-than-his-actual-entry and for having the sheer gigantic, dangly, brass balls to write a sestina after I said I hated them goes to toanoradian. On the other side of the coin, with terrible pseudo-anime swill that made us pour bleach in our eyes and drink the runoff, it's kangaroojunk. The other judges will get back their thoughts in their own time. Fanky is writing her's in haiku and I think Bad Seafood may be trying free verse (indiscriminate swearing). Thank you for your time and effort (hah!) and I promise never to give a poetry prompt ever again. budgie, hit up Eric Shawn-Bohner to discuss next week.
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Sep 23, 2012 05:28
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Again I mount my skull throne, still slightly scented with the stench of boiled-egg flatulence. On my right hand, there is the noble budgieinspector who shall hold my beer. But alas, I find myself bereft of companionship on the left, the one who is to "and watch this" as "this" would entail my doing wheelie donuts on a dirt bike. Heavy is the brow that bears this crown. LIGHTNING ROUND TO DECIDE THIRD JUDGEOf those that have been with us since the beginning, there have been You have approximately 12 hours from this post. The word limit is 200 words. I want a vignette relating to the theme of lusting for power. That which Budgie and I like best shall be the next judge (or if I don't get in contact with budgie by that time, I'll decide unilaterally). As a caveat, only submit if you think you have time and dedication to judge this week. Hop to it.
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Sep 23, 2012 05:56
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Well, poo poo. This doesn't bode well. Or maybe it'll be a silly thing, like prehistoric romance. Whatever it is, I am staying in Thunderdome. Good luck, wrageowrapper and Black Griffon. My money's on Black G-unit.
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Sep 23, 2012 05:59
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toanoradian posted:Well, poo poo. This doesn't bode well. Or maybe it'll be a silly thing, like prehistoric romance. Just caught that and remembered. So many judges. So many weeks.
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Sep 23, 2012 06:02
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Well what do you know. Surreptitious and I picked the same bad hat. SurreptitiousMuffin posted:I think Bad Seafood may be trying free verse (indiscriminate swearing).
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Sep 23, 2012 06:09
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Mine was quarter-assed at most. At some point, I might try to write what I originally planned (The Ultra-Top-Secret Adventures of Missy May, Part 1) in a more kid-friendly structure.
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Sep 23, 2012 06:44
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Thank you, thank you! (takes bow, probably to boos, but with a big smile) To illicit so much disgust and hate, that was sort of the intent. So, success? And, I am still laughing here, I don't know what people hate more: The perversion OR that the initial idea stemmed from watching an episode of anime. That just the mention of the inspiration being anime based, not that the entire entry was based on anime, warrants negative points is hilarious. Don't really watch anime, so just surprised. Again, thank you, thank you. I will be taking the dubious honor of loser with great pride, happy to stand out amongst the calls from the wilderness that is the internet and relieved to be rid of the newbie/baby badge. I'll be back, though, hungry for a victory next time. I may be down and bloodied, apparently dead, weapon two arm lengths away, the victor bellowing over my body. No one notices the slight of hand, the shiv produced from a boot. Face down, I smile a smile that no one sees. Bide my time, find an opening, to live is to win.
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Sep 23, 2012 06:51
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Suggestion: kangaroojunk's punishment for losing is zero further recognition for losing and no custom avatar.
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Sep 23, 2012 07:05
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That's evil, Dr. Kloctopussy. Not just mean, evil! 
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Sep 23, 2012 07:10
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To lose is to shame one's clan. A shame that will only be washed in the blood of one's enemies. Until next time, then.
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Sep 23, 2012 07:18
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Settle down kids, just some good clean panty raider mock poetry. Let's keep the SJW and PYF whateverthefuck bullshit out of here please. Back to writing and BLOOD! 
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Sep 23, 2012 07:27
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toanoradian posted:Well, poo poo. This doesn't bode well. Or maybe it'll be a silly thing, like prehistoric romance.  I predict that one of you will break under this week's challenge. Who will it be? Look to the goon above you, then to the goon below. Do they look tired? A bit frayed around the edges, perhaps? Death is listening, and will take the first man that screams.
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Sep 23, 2012 07:53
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Huzzah! Less terrible than previous weeks!
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Sep 23, 2012 08:19
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What What am I supposed to take from that That wriggly green butt
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Sep 23, 2012 14:39
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In a few minutes, Erik will try again. Last time, he failed, but so did Bud. Blue, blue, blue. Blue skies, blue ocean reflecting skies. Seared into retinas and inescapable as the ocean. Their entire world a little lifeboat, all they possess. The first time he tried, he'd lost every ounce of strength he gained from stale rainwater and skinny fish. This time it'll be different. This is his kingdom, and Bud is in his way. Salt covers skin, lungs, heart, veins. It's embedded in him, first obstacle on the way to the throne. He moves arm; it creaks with the layer of salt, shudders and fades. The red raw leather which has replaced his skin loses feeling like a river trickling away. Bud doesn't move. Some time passes, a second or an hour. Erik is at Bud's side. He stabs with the fishing knife, has to fall on it before it pierces skin. Bud doesn't bleed, doesn't move. Erik laughs, dislodges flakes of salt from his throat and throws up raw, rusty blood. Falls over and lays still. His tiny throne sits solitary on the blue.
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Sep 23, 2012 17:53
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Looks like winner, winner, chicken dinner. Pop us a PM Black Griffon.
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Sep 23, 2012 19:11
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Between kayaking on the ocean and reading the unabridged The Count of Montecristo, which has been on my to-read pile for ages, I haven't had time to peek in the Dome, but it looks like you've made a royal hash of it. All part of my nefarious plan. When I return you shall all love me the greater. Mwahaha!
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Sep 23, 2012 19:15
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SurreptitiousMuffin posted:My personal judgements below. These are (very roughly) ranked in order of how much I liked them with almost everything in the middle being "not-winner-or-loser-th equal". If you're near the bottom, may Fanky and Seafood have mercy upon you. I'll take that! Budgie's was a satisfactory poem to lose to. I've carved a set of ten dots and dashes into my chest with a paring knife to remind me about proper stresses - a bunch of the lines in mine were offbeat. In for the next one, whatever it is.
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Sep 23, 2012 21:55
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Prepare yourselves for some devastating haiku critiques: budgieinspector Very topical I think Detroit would approve Do wigs count as hats? Black Griffon An epic journey Even though your hats were wrong I still think: awesome sebmojo Lasers, robots, woah An enjoyable cadence Shocking twist, that bird! Wrageowrapper Historical stuff But these hats were not silly Needs more strumpets Jonked A unicorn hat! Hip, but it still mostly works Just sort of ends though Sitting Here Hobo poetry Blood and gore and anticlimax So many commas Noah A promising trout With dystopian setting Yet something's missing Jon Joe Oh, enjambement Have you never heard the term? Hat bomb all your stops Dr. Klocktopussy A gruesome warning Good rhymes, although late (and rushed?) I am also bored Chairchucker Although comedic This papal anomaly Still made me want death toanoradian You have no rhythm Syntactically awkward But, a bonus hat! Bear Sleuth Rats and D&D A wall of text with no breaks It's okay, I guess Bassetking Your hat choice was poor But rhyming couplets saved it You were late, gently caress you Kangaroojunk Another late one And a gross panty sniffer You are disgusting Erik Shawn-Bohner Cowboy poetry Deep and meaningful for spew But you can't win, so Martello This is some real talk But a burqa barely counts How many goblets?
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Sep 24, 2012 00:51
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We have a treat for you, boys and girls. I hope you enjoy 
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Sep 24, 2012 01:10
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I probably should've explained enjambment at the start, too. A problem with almost all the poems was that they treated every single line as a discrete sentence. If you break it up where the rhythm let you break it, it flows much better than ending each line with a period regardless of flow.
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Sep 24, 2012 01:16
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Fanky Malloons posted:toanoradian Which of the three hats I mentioned is the bonus hat? Also I agree that my poem is pretty much poo poo.
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Sep 24, 2012 01:26
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Thunderdome Week VIII: Martello's Girlfriend Said, "I'm late!" JUDGES: Black Griffon, budgieinspector, Erik Shawn-Bohner. Some of you have been complaining that we're going too easy on you. Well, how about we pick up the pace a little bit for this interesting little prompt. Something topical, something strange. A short little look into the lives of a pair of twins. http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/03/06/10595366-lake-tahoe-mystery-who-were-elderly-twin-sisters-found-dead?lite quote:The sheriff's department in El Dorado County broke protocol this week and released the names of two deceased residents without notifying their relatives. IMPORTANT NOTES: 1) The names have been changed to protect the innocent: They are now Lucy and Darcy. You are writing their history. 2) All the info applicable to this prompt is in the quote above. The rest of the article doesn't need to be included, but it's there since it's based on a true story. 3) Pick an appropriate period of their life to write about (1939-2012) and create a story about our now fictional Lucy and Darcy's life--not their birth or death but something in between. The story must make sense for the time period you've chosen, so they can't have an iPad in 1960. Do your research into time periods and make sure everything makes sense. 4) Make sure it's interesting. You have some creative license in what you have them doing, so take advantage of that so long as it's not out of the ball-park implausible. Task: Write an interesting short about one period in the lives of these two twins. Length: 1500 words or fewer. Signup Deadline: Tuesday, Sep. 25, 10:00PM EDT Submission Deadline: Thursday, Sep. 27, 10:00PM EDT WARNING: Those who don't sign up this week are very likely to regret it. We have big plans for you, boys and girls. If some dummy leaks it or you figure out what our plan is through the subtle hints I'm dropping/will be dropping, keep your trap shut. Roll Call of the Damned: toanoradian sebmojo Canadian Surf Club HiddenGecko Sitting Here Noah Capntastic Bassetking Jimson Autumncomet Jonked Chairchucker Wrageowrapper The Saddest Rhino Impermanent Benagain Bad Seafood Dr. Kloctopussy SurreptitiousMuffin Y Kant Ozma Post Seldom Posts swaziloo LordVonEarlDuke Also Participating Because I'm Forcing Them To: budgieinspector Black Griffon Erik Shawn-Bohner Martello Judge not, that ye be not judged.
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Sep 24, 2012 01:39
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Oh hey, I'm a judge, which means I can ask you how the gently caress you managed to put the same date on signup and submission. And you can't dock me no points, hombre. 
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Sep 24, 2012 01:47
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Black Griffon posted:Oh hey, I'm a judge, which means I can ask you how the gently caress you managed to put the same date on signup and submission. -10 points on your next submission I judge since it's clearly not the same date.
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Sep 24, 2012 01:48
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I want to register for this week's competition, my good jolly judges! Also, the bit about 'they always listed each other on all official forms' is a bit confusing. What it's trying to say is that one of the twins listed the other twin as their next of kin. So Darcy would write Lucy as their next of kin and vice versa.
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Sep 24, 2012 01:57
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toanoradian posted:Which of the three hats I mentioned is the bonus hat? I know, I even gave you an extra bonus point for writing a blank-verse complaint and you still came out near the bottom. The bonus hat was the ushanka. You're lucky though, because a ushanka was also the unbonus hat, it just depended on the context in which it was used.
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Sep 24, 2012 02:00
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IN
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Sep 24, 2012 02:10
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I'm in
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Sep 24, 2012 02:14
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All in, full monty, total package.
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Sep 24, 2012 02:15
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In.
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Sep 24, 2012 02:30
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In as well.
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Sep 24, 2012 03:13
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In it to twin it.
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Sep 24, 2012 03:16
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I'm in, I'm in; to suffer for my sin.
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Sep 24, 2012 04:33
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I'm in I will be typing my entry slow as I just got stitches in my hand from a vicious battle. So if a mod wants proof I can get them a picture of my grody hand.
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Sep 24, 2012 05:53
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Bassetking posted:It's good stuff. It really comes off as solid, personal, and heartfelt. A little polish, and it could be even better. Thanks dude, that was great feedback. When I get time I'll rework it and post in the poetry thread. Fanky Malloons posted:Martello Thanks. Not sure how many, I can't keep count and type at the same time. Erik Shawn-Bohner posted:
I'm pretty sure I have a couple bastards running around Europe somewhere. Either Prague or Budapest. Put me in, chief.
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Sep 24, 2012 07:43
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| # ? Apr 26, 2024 18:36 |
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My studies have eased up a tiny bit and I wander back to the Thunderdome to find a new prompt? In.
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Sep 24, 2012 07:47
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