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I'm starting to feel like this thread should give a negative post count gently caress You And Thunderdome
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Dec 8, 2012 00:06
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Jeza posted:Unless we change the losertar to be anime. That would be a punishment worth fearing.
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Dec 8, 2012 00:17
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Sitting Here posted:I'm starting to feel like this thread should give a negative post count I'm currently working to post in FYAD so much that eventually, with some care and effort, I can maintain a 0 post count.
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Dec 8, 2012 00:24
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Zack_Gochuck posted:Check Engine (644 Words) Hold up, I gotta point some stuff out here. Between these and the smiley faces and the previous testicle comments I'm not sure if you're just flirting with me or putting me over or what. Learn your they'res, theres, and theirs. Learn that breath and breathe are different. While there's no accounting for how the judges are gonna weigh in on the story content themselves, I can't myself feel the thrill of combat if my opponent isn't gonna have a scrap of craftsmanship about them. And I was feeling uneasy at only spending around fifteen minutes on a line edit. If Gochuck loses this round I propose a new "Jabroni" avatar.
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Dec 8, 2012 00:33
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Martello posted:I'm currently working to post in FYAD so much that eventually, with some care and effort, I can maintain a 0 post count. I know how you can maintain a 0 post count. Stop posting. Forever. 
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Dec 8, 2012 00:34
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Capntastic posted:Hold up, I gotta point some stuff out here. I'd suggest some minor spelling and grammar edits for your story, but I couldn't get past the first four lines.
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Dec 8, 2012 00:55
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Zack_Gochuck posted:I'd suggest some minor spelling and grammar edits for your story, but I couldn't get past the first four lines. Working at your own pace is fine when it comes to literacy but this is Thunderdome.
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Dec 8, 2012 01:03
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Erik Shawn-Bohner posted:I know how you can maintain a 0 post count. I know how you can stop being a fat stupid redneck with a little penis. On no, wait, that's permanent. Sorry bro.
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Dec 8, 2012 01:08
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Erik Shawn-Bohner posted:On the upside, if you lose, at least you won't be stuck with that anime avatar anymore. Hey now. This is a Dangan Ronpa avatar. That game is pretty amazing. I don't even watch anime. Oh boy, my first post in the thread and I already got insulted! I feel so accepted already! 
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Dec 8, 2012 01:18
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Meis posted:I just found this thread. The prompt is: two friends walk in the park. Your story must contain at least one dog, preferably more. What do you write? Do not write the whole story, just give me a 1-sentence description ta. Meis posted:Oh boy, my first post in the thread and I already got insulted! I feel so accepted already! 
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Dec 8, 2012 01:20
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Martello posted:I know how you can stop being a fat stupid redneck with a little penis. I was going to reply, but poppa smells fresh nerd-meat. He sure got a pretty mouth, ain't he? Meis posted:Hey now. This is a Dangan Ronpa avatar. That game is pretty amazing. 
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Dec 8, 2012 01:32
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SurreptitiousMuffin posted:The prompt is: two friends walk in the park. Your story must contain at least one dog, preferably more. Given how this last round has gone, I bet everyone ends up dead by the end. Everyone. Yes, probably the dogs too. However many there are.
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Dec 8, 2012 01:42
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SurreptitiousMuffin posted:Anime detected. Possible Primoman alt. Administering test: I have no idea who Primoman is. I write a story about a pair of girls walking home from school through the park, when they see an injured dog run terrified past them. They are curious and try to find out what has happened to it, and it turns out the animal escaped from a crazy man who had created some kind of alter where he was capturing stray dogs, skinning them and creating some kind of dog suit out of the skin / other body parts so that he could become king of the dogs. Story ends with the man chasing them away, trying to bite and scratch them, and they never speak of the event again. That's the best I could come up with at short notice, anyway. Rose Wreck posted:Given how this last round has gone, I bet everyone ends up dead by the end. Everyone. Yes, probably the dogs too. However many there are. Close, only most of the dogs, not all. And neither of the protagonists. Or maybe they will, whatever works best in the end.
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Dec 8, 2012 01:46
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Meis posted:I have no idea who Primoman is.  ScanningScanningScanning0% catgirl detected 0% paedophilia detected 10% anime detected Scanning35% good creepy detected 15% bad creepy detected 10% actual funny detected Verdict: pass Move along citizen. n.b.: Primoman is a really creepy dude with a similar avatar who took a really innocuous prompt and turned it into "anime sex romp".
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Dec 8, 2012 01:49
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All Thunderdome Newbies (d'aaawe  ) message Erik Shawn-Bohner or Martello for all your basic Thunderdome questions. All PMs are a confidential newby friendly zone. We encourage lots of questions here so PM away 
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Dec 8, 2012 01:50
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Hmm. The girls did not have sex with the dogs, nor did the man. This story is awful and you'll never make it here. Go back to games or whatever, they're calling for you. also shutup superfluous puffin, you have come a long way since Erik and I discussed you in our super-confidential gtalk sessions as "that Muffin person" but you are not the boss of me or anyone here. Perhaps you are the boss of your penis but I doubt it.
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Dec 8, 2012 01:50
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Martello posted:Hmm. The girls did not have sex with the dogs, nor did the man. I'm watching you brosef but we cool. Sitting Here posted:All Thunderdome Newbies (d'aaawe
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Dec 8, 2012 01:51
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Sitting Here posted:All Thunderdome Newbies (d'aaawe Don't, it's a trick: I got scammed out of my pension and now Erik Shawn-Bohner has a chalet in Nigeria.
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Dec 8, 2012 01:52
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SurreptitiousMuffin posted:Scanning Woo! Yeah don't worry, I'm not the kind of person who would write about anime poo poo, despite the avatar. It's kind of misleading, I guess. e: Martello posted:This story is awful and you'll never make it here. Go back to games or whatever, they're calling for you. Yeah it's bad, but if I had a week I'm sure I would have managed to create something almost mediocre in quality! Point is, I want to start writing and what better way to do that than to lose at thunderdome and get ridiculed by everybody?
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Dec 8, 2012 01:52
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Martello posted:Perhaps you are the boss of your penis but I doubt it.
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Dec 8, 2012 01:53
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Puppies die in that story?????  (Btw please do not google primoman)
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Dec 8, 2012 01:55
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Btw please get in this thread and PM me and Muffin with your judgements baby bitch. thanks in advance
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Dec 8, 2012 01:56
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SurreptitiousMuffin posted:n.b.: Primoman is a really creepy dude with a similar avatar who took a really innocuous prompt and turned it into "anime sex romp". For what it's worth I can say that, going by his history, Primoman did not acquire that avatar willingly. The man snatched up redtext avs with dizzying frequency, can't think why
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Dec 8, 2012 02:00
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Meis I will shake the self deprication out of you look how shaken Etherwind is, it's like loving squiggle vision over there
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Dec 8, 2012 02:13
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If I'm hunched over, shaking and holding my sides, it's because I'm laughing at your lame as all hell entr- You know what? No. I don't mind doing the bullshit bravado before putting an entry in, but I refuse to insult someone's work unless it's actually dire. Writing against you has made me really work at it, and I'm grateful for that. Thanks, Sitting Here. making GBS threads here
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Dec 8, 2012 02:16
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Oxxidation posted:For what it's worth I can say that, going by his history, Primoman did not acquire that avatar willingly. Dr. Martello, Dr. Stuporstar, and I held a summit to discuss our latest findings on the state of Primoman's hole as described in our paper published in the Journal of Immunology, "Primoman's Neg Hole: Utilizing Biological Imperatives to Pos Neg Holes". After many weeks of intense research and consultations with our other esteemed doctors at the Thunderdome Clinic, we settled on a strict course of Biological Anti-Posting Serum (BAPS), donated by many volunteers into a communal cup, to induce his self-shame receptors to be active once more. That resulted in his discontinuing to post. So clearly, as is shown by the patient's absolute recovery from his condition, the treatment was entirely successful and retroactively consensual once the patient was in his right mind.
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Dec 8, 2012 02:18
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Etherwind posted:making GBS threads here Want this as my username if I lose this round. I WILL DIE A WARRIOR'S DEATH making GBS threads IN ABJECT SUFFERING
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Dec 8, 2012 02:21
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Sitting Here posted:making GBS threads IN ABJECT SUFFERING featuring: * Wilfred Owen * Siegfried Sassoon * another guy who got shot but I forgot his name
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Dec 8, 2012 02:24
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Sitting Here posted:Meis I will shake the self deprication out of you Yeah, sometimes I do this thing where I acted self-depricating as gently caress. I guess it's some kind of preventative measure? I don't do it on purpose. Maybe on some level I'm doing it because if I insult myself, other people won't be able to, right!? You know, somehow I don't think that tactic would work here. Maybe I'm over thinking this. Yeah. But you know what, gently caress it. Sure I'm not great but I'm not awful either. Even my lame-rear end dog murdering story could be good, if I put enough effort in and wrote it well. Hell, maybe I'll give that a shot. A sort of practice run, if you will, before the next thunderdome battle begins.
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Dec 8, 2012 02:29
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BTW, BAPS is semen. Just so you guys know. I understand that sometimes when Dr. Shawn-Bohner lapses into scientific jargon it's tough for the layman to understand. Hey Meis shut the gently caress up about whatever you're talking about please.
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Dec 8, 2012 02:32
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Martello posted:BTW, BAPS is semen.
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Dec 8, 2012 02:33
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Fast judging = probably still bad judging actually.
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Dec 8, 2012 03:35
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Without the Wings 641 words Carver warmed his hands over the barrel fire. The fingers of his gloves had never been all that thick to begin with, and after three months of dumpster-diving and general rough living in Undertown most of them were worn through. "How ya doin, Carve?" Bogie rubbed his own filthy hands over the fire. "You know how it is," Carver said. "Still alive." "True, true." Bogie nodded like the wisest sage. "You want a little bit a the dry green? I cadged some offa Morene up the lane, you know the one with the hydro in the basement gives us soup sometimes?" "I'd love that, Bogie." Carver showed his teeth in something like a smile. He hadn't seen a reflective surface in weeks, but he knew his teeth had to be yellow by now. One of his incisors was even coming loose. Bogie pulled the joint from the pocket of his ratty topcoat and looked at it like a holy relic. He put it in his mouth and lit it off the flames. "Oh man," he said, blowing a cloud of smoke. "Nothing like some a the dry green." He held the joint out with two fingers. Carver took it from him and put it in his mouth. He pulled the thick, hot smoke into his lungs. In a few minutes, the tingle would start in his cheeks. "Thanks, buddy." He smiled at Bogie again, and this time it was more or less genuine. The occasional joint was one of the few things Carver looked forward to, these days. Memories of parties where cocaine, silverpaste, and expensive liquor were as common as mud still gnawed at the bag of Carver's brain. "So Carve," Bogie was saying. "How did you get turned out on the streets again?" He took the joint back and sucked on it. "Haven't I told you that more than once?" Carver raised an eyebrow. "Probably, but you know me, I forget." Bogie grinned with a mouthful of brown teeth, and less than half of the thirty he should have had. He handed the joint back. "Clerical error." Carver rubbed his temples, feeling a headache coming on even as the tightness in his cheeks from the weed kicked in. "My biometrics were only on one server, when they didn't bother with a backup in my municipality. Back then, at least. Now they've changed." "Uh-huh." Bogie took the joint again, smiled at it like a long-lost favorite dog. Carver knew Bogie didn't understand most of what he was saying, but he kept talking anyway. "So they lost all my data, and I ceased to exist as a citizen of Toronto. I was able to get to the hall of records after I got fired, to protest my non-citizen status." He had the joint between his lips again, and took a long pull. "One of the records clerks there actually admitted she'd deleted my file accidentally. She was reorganizing or something, I don't quite remember. But by the time she caught the error it was too late." Carver felt tears brimming; even after all these months the memory still hurt. "I got kicked out of my house, most of my possessions appropriated by the State." He spread his gloved hands to take in the underpass, the cardboard-and-sheet-metal shanties, and the other longtime squatters like Bogie. "And here I am." "Huh." Bogie tossed the burnt end of the joint into the barrel and went back to rubbing his hands together. "Hell of a story, man. Can't even imagine what life must be like up there in the Towers an such." His eyes were glassy and he wasn't looking at Carver anymore. "It was something. It was heaven, without the wings." Carver sat down on a crate and tried to enjoy the high despite the growing pangs in his shrunken gut.
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Dec 8, 2012 04:24
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Chairchucker posted:Fast judging = probably still bad judging actually.
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Dec 8, 2012 05:00
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Erik and I are gettin there. Not sure about Vegas, but I'm sure he's close.
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Dec 8, 2012 05:03
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PMs sent.
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Dec 8, 2012 05:18
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All judges will be posting their picks - best of three wins. SurreptitiousMuffin v Erik Shawn-Bohner -ESB These are both very good. I would give it to ESB on points for the premise. The problem I had with SM's entry was the voice of the protagonist. That's the tricky thing with writing in first person is that the language the person uses has to be congruent with the character. For this story, I felt the voice was SM's, not the storyteller's. That problem then fed into some poor sentence choices like "It is the second most fierce and beautiful thing I have ever seen" (a Get Smart joke??) and references to 'the heat death of the universe'. These were not things I felt this character should be saying. Sitting Here v Etherwind - Sitting Here Etherwind, I'm impressed. After last week's effort I had low expectations but this kept me interested. However, Sitting Here, even though his ending felt off to me, I loved loved the first half - 'Oh ho!' Sitting Here. I always consider it better to be revealing than to be revealed and I would have been much happier if you're story didn't go where it did, but stuck with the sing-song delirium at the start. Etherwind - Like I said, pretty good but a few things just irked me while reading. The opening quote (from Dan Simmons(?!) of all people) seems to be hanging there without reference to what happens in the story. I'm sure you've got a good reason but it was opaque to me. Also - using a reflection in a mirror to describe the appearance of the character - a dangerous flirtation with the 2nd rule there. Otherwise pretty well done following the internal monologue of the character. Jonked v Jeza - Jonked Of the two, I actually think Jeza's was the better written piece, but the cheesy story telling yei yei in Jonked's story got me. Jonked I actually groaned when you interpreted the prompt literally as well as thematically, but you know what, as a piece of mythology it worked quite well so I take back that groan. I really appreciated the little touches in the story, like the poems written in Hakka and the perverse twisting of praise of Mao into criticism. A great touch! Jeza, while your story was good, I think it didn't meet the prompt as well as Jonked. Firstly, your piece could have used a few more flourishes like Jonked's that set it in it's place. While it was probably more accurate as to the horrors of the times, and you had some good lines (like referring to the fact that metal had all been used up) it didn't feel as rooted in the setting. That feeds into the second issue in that it was ultimately a revenge story, not a man in the hole story, that could have been set anywhere. Capntastic v Zack_Gochuck - Zack_Gochuck Hallucinatory characters get me every time. Honestly, Capntastic I didn't really gel with your character. Maybe that's just me. Capntastic - The first paragraph sends this down the wrong track. I don't see where in the story you go with the conceit that small problems ripple and expand into large problems. If you've got Chekhov's ripple in the first paragraph, you better make sure it's a big old dirty rock thrown into the pond by the end. Here, the guy gets ready to go to work, goes to work and has a lousy night, sneaks into a closet for a smoke and dies in a fire. Maybe I'm not getting something here but the whole story just seemed to be this happened and that happened and then he died. It didn't tie back to the promise you made at the start. Some other things with the writing could have been tidied up, eg the second paragraph could be made much better by getting rid of the adverbs and simply describing Eric's preparations precisely, not calling them precise. Zack - On re-reading this I have absolutely no idea what this has to do with the prompt. Did Jimmy Stewart used to do mescaline? It's a good story on it's own, but no one dies?? COME ON SON. At least Capntastic had the Waldorf Salad connection. Bad Seafood v Tender Child Loins - Tender Child Loins. Bad Seafood, you had me up to the final line! You needed an flawless performance to beat TCL's down home swamp techno story. The Saddest Rhino v sebmojo - The Saddest Rhino. I liked your final line sebmojo, but the story didn't feel all there for me. AutoSnakes v Ronnie_Long - Ronnie_Long by default Still a good piece, this was a tricky prompt. Benagain v Noah - Noah Again, I have a thing for stories with hallucinations. Benagain - to coin a phrase popular in these parts, I bounced off this one. Caprice and Paul went through the motions of a heist but I didn't get any sense of them as characters. You try to inject a little history in their 'fake laugh' banter, but it's not really enough for me. More on their relationship and having them do the heist alone would have been more satisfying. Velyoukai v sentientcarbon - Velyoukai I think you pulled off the 2nd person narrative quite well. Found Sound v Seldom Posts - Seldom Posts It was obviously a humorous post and you took that and ran with it. Well done. Canadian Surf Club v Rose Wreck - Canadian Surf Club Sorry Rose Wreck, I know that the Nails may not be your thing, but just reading the occasional cameo of an album cover in the story was kind of jarring when reading it. One of the reasons I chose this prompt is that I loving love NiN. I really dig the concept that the band is just one guy, playing all the instruments and laying down one instrument track on top of the other until you reach this deep, layered and complicated sound. Did you know his first album, Pretty Hate Machine, came out in 1989! That’s forever ago, but you go back and listen to his old stuff and it sounds fresh and new – it must have been incredible hearing it back then. So that’s the baggage I’m bringing in when I made a prompt that talked about NiN. Obviously, for someone who does not listen to the music or most probably dislikes it, we are not going to be ad idem on what a story which draws on the music will be like. But hey, that’s interesting as well and it certainly isn’t a black mark on what has been written, I’m always fascinated to see what someone else’s opinion is on something that is old to me, but new to them. I take your point that the story was about the music, not just throwing in titles, but goddamn they were annoying to read. Please never, ever, ever do that again. I went back through your story, pasted it into word and then deleted all the song references. You know what? It instantly became a million times better and I can see where you were going with it. Peel v Greatbacon - Greatbacon Both good stories. I liked the incompetent hustlers better. But I want to say Peel, for a little but I was giving your president a mental fist pump and a little 'gently caress yeah' for his speech to his killers. If you could have expanded that (i don't know how) it would have been really good. Bear Sleuth v Fanky Malloons Fanky Malloons. I loved 'The Thing' premise. And Bear Sleuth you lost me with 'shall' as an article of clothing?? LordVonEarlDuke v Martello - LordVonEarlDuke I also liked both of these, but the Duke was more in keeping with the Brazil theme.
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Dec 8, 2012 05:44
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I'll add some comments if/when I begin giving a poo poo about you guys and/or I get time and am bored. ------------------- SurreptitiousMuffin v Erik Shawn-Bohner SM Sitting Here v Etherwind Ether Jonked v Jeza JO Capntastic v Zack_Gochuck ZG Bad Seafood v Tender Child Loins TCL The Saddest Rhino v sebmojo seb AutoSnakes v Ronnie_Long RL Benagain v Noah Noah Velyoukai v sentientcarbon SC Found Sound v Seldom Posts SP Canadian Surf Club v Rose Wreck CSC Peel v Greatbacon GB Bear Sleuth v Fanky Malloons FM LordVonEarlDuke v Martello LVE
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Dec 8, 2012 05:48
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Confirmed winners in the first round - SurreptitiousMuffin Sitting Here Jonked Zack_Gochuck Tender Child Loins Ronnie_Long Noah Seldom Posts Canadian Surf Club Greatbacon Fanky Malloons LordVonEarlDuke
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Dec 8, 2012 06:01
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Martello, your piece masterfully transcribed despair and as a bonus how it feels to get high and your protagonist kept an admirable sort of tragic nobility, and I'm of the opinion that my story was too overwritten to edge yours out, but I ain't going to look a gift smackdown in the bruise. So fukken suck it, idiot bitch.
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Dec 8, 2012 06:04
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