Flash Fiction Thunderdome - FYI, I do take big dumps, holla.

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Bad Seafood: Dec 10, 2010; If you must blink, do it now.

So this was a neat little story.

Iroel posted:

Stretched Out
By Iroel

Truth is a compliment I pay to my sentences, thought the peddler. A drachma for an ear, two hundred for the rest. Not really a body, more like a paste in a cube. Even the ear was a pink and soft string being pushed out from a machine in the back of the store. Knowing the perplexity of humans the peddler curved a little bit more his hunchback figure and explained. It�s Crohn�s principle: we irritate the interior part of a wormhole so it extrudes the matter faster. It�s like a very long tube, all the way to Kahi Nub. The hole, it�s very small, that�s why it comes out like this, like ground meat. The girl in front of him looked dumbfounded. That�s what they always looked like. He grabbed her face, squeezed open her mouth and scrubbed the inside of the cheek with a metal rod. You know, he continued, those red patches all over the back of the night sky, they are called erythema nodosum, they are harmless though. He picked a little bit of the pink paste, scraped it into a cube and then showed her the connected screen. Could she really read? See, they match, he said, this is your brother. Of course they match, they always match, no one could prove otherwise.

Your opening starts strong but gets a little unwieldy as it goes. I'd imagine it is the peddler's desire to obfuscate both the reader and the customer, but throwing us in the thick of it immediately risks stranding us rather than intriguing us. The first couple sentences though are good, if they could be trimmed a bit for rhythm. Mostly little things. "A drachma an ear" flows a little better than "A drachma for an ear," as you've written it. Few other rough spots but not too many, and I'd imagine you'd know to look out for them reading it a second time.

Additionally, your culling of quotation marks. It actually works, and works pretty well. It takes strong character voice to establish dialogue where none is denoted and I think you accomplish that. I wouldn't recommend it for everything, but here it serves to your benefit.

Iroel posted:

Once in his life he witnessed a pyoderma gangrenosum. It was far from harmless. It started as a series of red dots, like bug bites that look itchy. Then it spread in space, a mass of necrotic tissue, swallowing people and houses. The gangrene looked purple, he remembered, and got one of his houses along with his slaves and family.

Bad use of simile, "Bug bites that look itchy," but otherwise a competent paragraph. And yeah, paragraphs; I like what you do with them here. Anyone reading this who isn't Iroel, if you haven't read his submission in its original format I would advise you to do so. The constant constricting of the words for an aside before springing back to the heart of the story creates a surprising sense of intimacy, like the author is leaning in to tell you something extra you ought to know. Iroel has included footnotes without actually including footnotes, and it only enhances his story.

Iroel posted:

He cared about one of his slaves and whenever he saw a human he wished he would not have to reincarnate so as not to hold dear any other.

I like what this sentence is trying to do but it reads awkwardly.

Iroel posted:

He left the house so not to be amputated like the rest. He hid in a desert fortress, where people go to be forgotten, and lived off of his trade in that enormous bazaar. It seemed to him an interminable time.

Kind of the same deal here, though that bit about the desert fortress really stuck out in my mind (in a good way).

Iroel posted:

She compared the signs on the screen with the writing on a scrap of paper. She didn�t really know what they were supposed to mean, but she barely had anything in life, let alone certainties. The horrid hunched figure asked for three hundred drachma. She didn�t have the money and he didn�t have the time, or so he said. It took her two years and all her family�s savings to come up with that money. How could she come up with the rest? Wasn�t her effort already enough to honor his memory? When that thought struck her, she felt like she had won the money she wouldn�t spend after all.

Viewpoint shift! Actually works pretty well, though obviously better with Ireol's indentation in place. The last sentence in particular is very powerful, though it isn't my favorite sentence in the piece.

Iroel posted:

She never told anyone that she remembered the day when her parents found in the fields the boy that would become her brother. He was bleeding copiously, so much so that even her father could not take pity.

From more than ten miles away a doctor walked all the way to the house. He lifted the covers and looked at the wound. The boy�s a little anemic, he said, undress him and he will be better, and if not, he is only a boy, he is only a boy. He sang the last words.

I've combined these two to talk about them and the story as a whole. For science fiction, the story almost carries itself like a fairy tale. It's a pretty vital element to the whole thing, and here shines strongest, or rather most obviously. The segments themselves though don't add a whole lot outside of flavor.

Iroel posted:

She worked so hard for that money. It was voluntary serfdom, all the way into the colonies, spitting blood and laying bricks for the vanity of other species. She did not only lose two years of her life up there but also ten years traveling. Her hands, rough and broken, did not look anymore like a woman�s hands, so much that when she got back home she fell in love with a clerk for his soft and short fingers.

Solid bit of sentiment, but worded awkwardly. Had to read each word individually there in the middle, so as not to lose track of the thread. Something like "She'd lost two years; ten in traveling" sums up your point more tidily and with less gymnastics.

Iroel posted:

The clerk was young, lived his life and then got older while barely having met her.

This is my second favorite sentence.

Iroel posted:

His body was kept with all the others in a freezing cell. They empty out the bodies and dispose of the entrails by incineration and then transport them to the archive. From the archive the bodies are pushed through to the planets and homes where those who loved them pay for the price of transport. If no one claims the body it is just kept there, frozen and on record for posterity.

A paragraph that does its job. Nothing fancy. Nothing terrible either.

Iroel posted:

When he had decided to leave for one of the colonies she met him half of the way between their home and the port. Wouldn�t you stay at least for my sake, she asked her brother. Should I stay and just learn to be indifferent to their pain? I really don�t know. Should I just kiss the hand that breaks my jaw? I really don�t know. And is there any point ever having children? Oh, I don�t know.

Another viewpoint shift, and here it gets muddled. Did she bring back her brother or didn't she? I mean, obviously she did, since this is him, but we're missing a huge chunk of the in between. She suddenly has the cash to save him when she didn't before, and the ethical dilemma that characterized her beyond Concerned Sister up and vanishes. I'd actually say this trainwrecks the end of the story except for one thing.

Iroel posted:

He left and he never called, nor visited or came back. It was like if he were dead until he died.

This is my favorite sentence. That last one. Couple stray words, but the idea behind its construction rings beautifully.

All in all this was a pretty good effort from a guy who doesn't do sci-fi. You trip over your words at times and play with the information a little too liberally, but your use of the tone and the limitations of your own craft do you a service. I would like to read more stories that played with the format as you have done here.

# ? Jan 8, 2013 03:17

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# ? Apr 27, 2024 21:03

swaziloo: Aug 29, 2012

Story: I believe your story is about an unhappy department store employee who is headed into her seventh, and final, performance review. At the outset we don't know that she has already taken a new job, and you fail to take advantage of the obvious fun of having her manipulate her reviewer or otherwise intentionally bomb her own review. Perhaps you see some other motivation, but having her play it straight leaves the whole thing feeling very uninspired.

Prompt: Choosing to focus on meaningful dialog when the prompt was for someone to discuss something unimportant sounds like an intentional (and playful) contradiction. Overall, however, the dialog feels flat. The characters don't each project a distinct voice, and the questions and responses are empty. Perhaps it is somewhat authentic dialog, but it's also rather boring dialog.

Mechanics: This here is where your efforts come up shortest. The story reads like a first draft--as though this was the first time you told yourself the story, and you just cleaned it up and posted it here for us to read. First drafts should be set aside and the story retold (rewritten) for the benefit of your audience. Every time you retell a story you get better at it.

Capntastic posted:

Performance Review Seven
(840 Words, focus on Meaningful Dialogue)

Entering the door to the boss's office and taking a seat in one flowing motion, Pamella was ready to defend herself in her seventh annual performance review. The neat edges of her boss's minimalist decor and furniture was a contrast to the rest of the back room's disarray of stashed boxes and hidden caches of supplies. Immediately across the artificially gleaming formica desk, the boss got things rolling. [Passive verbs suck, and though you tried to get some personality, motion, and setting into the setup, the execution kills the deal.] In a single movement, Pamela entered the office and slipped into the chair, ready for the defensive. Her boss presided over his gleaming Formica desk before a backdrop of supply-closet chaos, fidgeting with her employee information sheet. [This break becomes optional.]

"So Pamella, you've been with us for seven years." he said. "In that time you've been something of a valued addition to our work force." [This dialog is awkward. 'valued addition'? Is he intentionally stumbling?] So, Pamela, I see you've been with the company for seven years. A valued member of our workforce.

He slid a sheet of paper with her employee information back and forth an inch across the desk, adjusting it to his gaze. He shifted it again. Pam filled the silence. [She's filling the silence because he's making her uncomfortable? She has the upper hand here, right? Why wouldn't she just wait to see where he goes with it?] He shifted the paper, pretending to find something meaningful on the form. Pam endured the awkward silence.

"Yes, it's hard to believe, but seven years sound right. I was hired... hm, yeah, Fall of 2005. Or Autumn. Time flies, right?" ['sound' sounds wrong. She really doesn't know that Fall and Autumn are the same thing? He's got the date on the sheet right there, why would she indulge him?]

The boss nodded for a few seconds, making sure she was finished talking. The boss waited again, letting the conversation fall uncomfortably idle.

"In that time you've been deployed to most departments. You started in clothes, right?" ['been deployed' should probably read 'worked in']

"Home goods, actually. It doesn't say that on there?" she said. It took restraint not to lean forward and see what the form said about her. [You can drop the 'she said' here. Is she really afraid of offending him? Is he acting like the sheet he's flaunting is for his eyes only?]

"It does, it's just not listed chronologically. Home goods. Alright." He twitched the paper a millimeter. "Electronics, customer service, beverages..." [As a story point, stopping to note the ordering on the information sheet is fairly insignificant.]

"Yeah, I've done it all, really."

"And what would you say your best applications are? That is, when you're working in beverages, what is your best aspect?" [Unnatural dialog.] Which department would you say you were strongest in? [Intentionally ending in a preposition.]

She paused thoughtfully. She was ignoring that she was, for whatever reason, digging her fingernails into her knees. [Thoughtful? Anxious? Why would she be either? Isn't she on her way out already? I feel like I'm not getting something....]

"With beverages, it's really about the labels. You face all of the labels the right way, [This is called 'facing' or 'fronting.'] make the displays look nice. And when you have a moment, you read them, make sure you know what you're selling. [Needs a pause here.] I've never liked wine, but if someone wants something dry or whatever I can tell them all about the ones we have."

"Right. Okay. And what department are you in now?"

"Clothes." Her eyes lowered to the paper for a second before reverting to proper eye contact. [She's in clothes, he thinks she started in clothes, he plans to reassign her to clothes. This story component is confusing. I'd probably use 'resuming' rather than 'reverting to' here.]

"And are you enjoying it?"

There was a moment of slow exhalation on Pamella's end. Pamela sighed.

"Well, it's on par with any other department. Just read the tags. Lots of people have problems finding the sizes they want, and I can't really help with that. [Umm, why not?] Other than that sort of thing, it's pretty easy to keep the displays neat."

"I understand. But what is one area you think you could improve on?" [Ugh. This is the worst question in a review. Makes me want to strangle him. Howabout] I see here that in last year's review you listed as your area for improvement... [to make us despise him even more?]

"Well..." she said, feigning more thoughtfulness. "Suggestive selling can always be improved; telling people what things would match the outfits they're putting together, that sort of thing. I'm no fashion bug, but I think I could be a little bit more..." [Now she's feigning? I don't think there was any reason to let the reader think otherwise from the get-go.]

"Right." the boss said. the boss interrupted. "Yeah, all of that is important."

Pamella was waiting for whatever was going to be said to be said, now. [Probably just 'said next.' Why is she bracing herself? She's had the upper hand all along, only now we're seeing it, right?]

"I'll level with you," he said, keeping his eyes on the sheet of paper as he drew it towards himself. "We don't do these reviews just to waste time; if there's a problem, we already know about it. We do these reviews because we like to make sure our employees are getting the most out of their opportunities here." [Appropriate corporate bullshit double-talk. Reminds me of the worst jobs I've ever endured. Why not make more of the point that he can't stop fidgeting? Why is he uncomfortable? We're not going to like this guy, so why not expose his sad, sorry existence?]

He glanced up, and Pamella responded with a precisely eager nod. [Shouldn't this be a sarcastic or ironic eager nod?]

"The way things are, we want to make sure we're not going to end up with an employee base that is anything less than motivated. I can tell that you put a lot of thought into your work, and that you've been with us loyally for years been a loyal employee for years and will continue to do so. I appreciate your honesty." [What honesty? That her job consists of little worth discussing?]

"Thank you, I really do try." Pamella said.

"Right. So next Monday, I think we're going to be putting you in the clothing section. You should be able to pick it up quick, we'll have one of the old hands there train you. I think it'll be a good match for you." [Uh, she's been working in clothes, right? Why would an 'old hand' be needed for training? I don't get it.]

He stood up while tossing the sheet onto the stack of folders behind him, and reached across the desk to give her a handshake. He stood and tossed the sheet onto a stack of irrelevant-looking folders. He offered his best congratulatory handshake.

"I'm looking forward to it." she said, meeting him halfway on the gesture. She half-rose to meet him. "I'm really looking forward to it."

She put on her sunglasses as she left the store, ready to begin the long weekend. A drive up the coast, a meet up with friends at some of the hidden restaurants and diners they'd always talked up. And after all of that, the perfect capstone of going to work again. [Awkward wording, and how do her weekend plans factor? She's got some plans before starting her new job, I assume. I think you're trying to say something here that's not coming through.]

She got into her car and rolled down the windows. ~~With her phone s~~She called her friend, instantly on the offense ~~to get her words in~~.

"Yeah, I just got out of there. Really looking forward to going in to my new job on Tuesday. You know how long I've wanted to be a photographer.[...] Oh, I don't really care. All of the clothes in the world could stay on the ground forever so long as I don't have to ever have an eighth performance review." [On the ground forever? If this is your reveal, it's pretty weak. Better to insult the boss or state the obvious irrelevance her job (and by proxy, part of her life) entailed.

My edits probably expose my presumptions as much as anything else. I think you had the germ of a good idea here, but really needed to develop it further before unleashing it on the 'dome.

# ? Jan 8, 2013 06:22

Iroel: Jun 28, 2012

Stream of consciousness is always difficult to criticize from a stylistic point of view, the idea is that after all it's how the person thinks, without any censorship, and you can't tell them how they are supposed to formulate their thoughts.

Yet I believe that often in the arts when one strives for naturalness, like for example in dialogues, it is often better to go the other way around and err on the side of artificiality. Like many other techniques stream of consciousness is basically a trick, a little sleigh of hand, that you play on the reader. You make him read a highly artificial piece of prose and meanwhile you give him here and there the signals saying "look, it's just like our interior monologue". For how I understand it stream of consciousness is all about being in control of the prose: you try to keep the flow going smoothly, put in there as much information as you can while you leave here and there your cues (the sudden memory, the monologue style, the present tense, the imitation of a private language withe its jargon and unexplained references, etc).

Also one must not forget that SC is mostly an instrument that has a very particular function and it's difficult to be used in all settings. So much that most writers try to use it in a hybrid way, by punctuating the flow of thoughts with more standard forms of narrative, like for example Proust or Ellis. SC it was mostly born to deal with the uneventful and highly intellectualized life of the modern man. That's why the idea of sword and sorcery story + SC was so hilarious and enjoyable, but it's also where the biggest problems emerge.

Let's read the story:

Bad Seafood posted:

The Lion and the Jackal (686 words)

Got some sharp teeth on that one there that Slaglander look at him high horse strutting about face of stone. But those teeth when he smiles must�ve spent years honing them image of Kuraket their god the maneater only eats virgins � such a waste � least it frees up an old man like myself. But those teeth could collect a good copper for those here from any seaside settlement seems a shame to leave them where they be in the mouth of a captor. Slavery�s a nasty business but I suspect I�ll make out I usually do it�s the young ones they work to death should be more concerned for the young one they shackled to me even if he is bigger than the rest took his sword took his shield took his armor practically naked but for a bit of leather and cloth those Slaggers think themselves generous heh.

I like this initial part. The best detail is the reference Kuraket, it's impactful and the protagonist's response (such a waste) shows the sardonic smile with which he is facing the situation. In fact his mischievous character is so obvious that I don't think you need the final "heh".

quote:

He�s a strong one that one strong eyes strong will won�t break I don�t think they�ll work him to death before they work him to submission. Cuts his feet on the rocks and the glass in the sand but won�t say a word course I wouldn�t either but I�m used to it. Stands a greater animal than all of us like a general or a son or a sun�s blinding hot drat this heat won�t they rest? There�s those teeth again that laugh cold as ice that man Slaglander all of them cold as ice in their blood.

Son why did I think son I have no son no don�t even know his name though that won�t matter soon.

This is a very artful part. When I was talking about the little signals before I was talking about this. There is this free association going on from an homophony (son/sun) and then the metonymy (sun hot heat) and then you reverse this imagery in the opposite (ice) and you end up with a sudden memory (the lost son) disjointed from the rest of the narrative and the main character talking to himself(don't think).

After a passage like this you would have a lot of leeway to turn back to more normal forms of narrative, to anchor your story, without anyone noticing anything. For example you could start a paragraph with "I look around..." and give a description of the setting. Or "I remember when..." and maybe tell the story of how he was captured.

quote:

I can�t leave him like this I can�t leave him I can�t.

Where is it where the tooth silver from the man in Kauppei the Slagger drat them if they�d known I carried a piece of their countryman there THERE tucked away yes yes there easy does it catch the light now he sees it. Take it take it you know what this means well as I take it take it takeittakeittakeithere he goes into the lock a quiet chip and they�re both broken. Knows to hold up the chain no stranger to circumstance they�ll be keeping pace wha-umphf!

Paft-falak sand mouth trip fsht fsht what�s he doing getting both us killed Slaggers coming closer they�ll see know chains loosed flay us both drat it boy could�ve run what�s he dOH CAUGHT HIM off the horse round the neck that�s it choke him choke him sent to his gods to my feet to my feet there�s another round the back sword drawn take a fistful of sand GOTCHA don�t think small of a little old man now the keys where�s the keys somewhere midst the fabrics gotcha GOTCHA the lock the lock these shackles get them off the boy�s still fighting killed that one now the other dancing sideways sword in hand swing of steel trace the curvature through the air to the neck to the blood crimson spurt another dead drat but he�s good breathless beaten standing still the remainder flee drops his chains while the slaves look on.

This is the part I have the most problems with.
It's terribly confusing and I believe that it could be made less so without losing neither the style nor the action.
The onomatopoeia and the little oddities (like taittakeittakeit) seem to be put there to give a sense of realism, or perceiving exactly what he thinks, but in reality they only estrange the reader. In a sense you have overreached, trying to do something that was way beyond the power of the instrument you were using.

quote:

He�s looking to me look to me they all look to me what do I look like I don�t understand I can�t understand his speech foreign nonsense least he�s grateful now he turns towards the sun not the way we came must have business down that way lost his sword took a new one and a horse waste not want not I suppose.

Free again slaved again what a cycle hands free there we are wrists sore careful careful look at that such a rash rest are worse I imagine no time for that no none at all. The goddess smiles like the Slaglander smiled yes those his neck�s been broken but his teeth those teeth oh how lovely let�s just take those come on now come out out out with it ooouuut ouuuuutttya one there�s one one two two twoooooooo two three three even just a handful�s threeeeee three four fouh that�s chipped no good this one then that�s four now five�

Here you get in control once again. I liked the first sentence and again the one about the simile of the goddess. It's where you feel the most the personality of your character and his worldview. It is for these strong expressions of personality that one reads stream of consciousness. There is a whole life contained in that "free again slaved again what a cycle", the image it paints is much more vivid than a "heh" or a "wha-umphf!"

# ? Jan 8, 2013 06:55

Iroel: Jun 28, 2012

Bad Seafood posted:

All in all this was a pretty good effort from a guy who doesn't do sci-fi. You trip over your words at times and play with the information a little too liberally, but your use of the tone and the limitations of your own craft do you a service. I would like to read more stories that played with the format as you have done here.

I want to thank you about your in depth analysis. I feel that you read it extremely way, understanding most of its mechanics, while at the same time being able to point to some of its shortcomings.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, I don't usually write this way. I always tended to avoid experimentation for more typical forms of expression. Only lately I'm trying to play around mostly because I realized I was writing always the same story.

But it might interest you what my main inspirations were.
The structure was inspired by Wittgenstein's Tractatus. My opening sentence is also a nod to his declarative style. The idea was of making a sort of fractal structure where the main story is told in the first three paragraphs (each told from the point of view of one of the characters: the peddler, the sister and the dead brother) and the rest it's just an in depth explanation mostly dealing with their past. In fact 3.2 is not the return of the (adopted) brother, who is dead and at best can be sent home as a squished paste, but how he decided to leave his planet and how his sister tried to stop him. I'll work to make that clearer.

The voice instead was inspired by Master's Spoon River Anthology which I advise you to read since the parts you liked the best are where I managed to get the closest to it.

And, geeky admission, I really liked the heart mechanism in dishonored, so I guess that was a part of it too.

Thank you again!

# ? Jan 8, 2013 07:14

Erik Shawn-Bohner: Mar 21, 2010; by XyloJW

oh my god is this the loving carebear-dome?

See, I let you fuckers have a single inch, and you take over the world with this poo poo.

# ? Jan 8, 2013 07:27

Erik Shawn-Bohner: Mar 21, 2010; by XyloJW

To make it clear to the less observant among us:

1) Shut the gently caress up with the please and thank yous for crits.

2) Stop defending your piece against a crit. Spend that time reciprocating and editing.

3) The Thunderdome is the place where poo poo actually gets accomplished, no matter how meager. It's work time folks.

# ? Jan 8, 2013 07:35

Erik Shawn-Bohner: Mar 21, 2010; by XyloJW

Crit pairs seem to work out here really well. Handjobs and discussion about said pairings and crits go here: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3527097

Use it, idiots.

Next on the table, who is up for small skype groups to critique work for real? Let's make some small gangs and get this cookin' fire on hot. Believe me, it's worth it.

For now, I guess it's a Thunderdome thing, so it's just us birds. Maybe we can expand later.

Someone who wants to volunteer and has time to update it now and then: make a post and maintain it for the time being taking names for those interested. The rest of you sorry lot, sign up and make an actual commitment to better yourself in your hobby/desired career.

# ? Jan 8, 2013 08:18

supermikhail: Nov 17, 2012; "It's video games, Scully."
Video games?"
"He enlists the help of strangers to make his perfect video game. When he gets bored of an idea, he murders them and moves on to the next, learning nothing in the process."
"Hmm... interesting."

Let's do this, yo.

Martello posted:

triple post of triple poems about triple goddesses for this week's submission cuz I'm a badass

total of 381 words

I should start with a disclaimer that most poetry (especially contemporary) makes me feel icky. The following is not an exception.

wet look catsuit (antimaiden)

Yeah, something about catsuits. I'm not the guy you discuss fetishes with. Althought that might be part of Martello's challenge.

108 words

she wears a wet look catsuit stalking down the street
black stretched over muscle and pretty little curves
To be serious, I once had it thrown at me that my prose was non-descriptive, and "pretty little curves" seems to do pretty little in that department. I don't know why it jumps out at me. Maybe if I were writing it I'd try some metaphor instead. Like "black leather ripples over the snake coils of her body"

she stole my heart and put it in a jar
onyx like milk and honey poured over fire
Like here. Although I got confused - is onyx supposed to be like milk or milk like onyx? I think there should be a distinction between free verse and free grammar.

she tastes like habanero vodka I like this one
and smells like c�me br�l�e

she casts her spells of love
on any man she pleases At least she's straight... I thought this could be said in fewer/zero words.

she keeps all their hearts
sealed in her onyx jars

she drinks their souls dry
they die young every one

she lurks the lower east side
in spandex slash top tall boots Google came up with nothing.

she smiles and she beckons
lips hungry for life

she wears a wet look catsuit
hunting through the night
Okay, I didn't get the rest. I thought it was kind of a narrative, but it apparently isn't. Then "she stole my heart and put it in a jar". So what's your relationship with the lady? Is this a cautionary tale from beyond the grave? Or from before the grave? (Obviously not from ontop.) e: She's reckless passion, then?

I enjoyed the descriptive intro. On the other hand, there was little point in it, except to show off fancy similes. I wish I knew what you do about onyx.

martha of the farmer's market (allmother)

176 words

martha sits her stall selling organic vegetables
eggs, cage-free; chickens, free-range
she smiles at customers men and women both
feel her power and gaze at her ripe bosom
can�t look away from coffee-colored breasts
thrusting up in a low-cut peasant blouse
ivory hair flows to wide hips
smooth plump upper arms
big thighs squeezed together on her milk-crate seat
feet in brown sandals worn with use er. Sure. Not exactly tautology, but.
her fertility and duality garden and chicken coop Punctuation could have helped.| the bedroom, thrusting, moaning ectasy <---------------------------What's this?-|
each time a pregnancy but not her own
women in the city growing round and full
they thought themselves barren unable to bear
but life grows inside them and tears in eyes
lips spread in smiles, joy, peace, serenity
martha of the farmer�s market hands out her blessings
mother to all and wife to many
the marketgoers know her power and beauty
they worship her silently without a word
with bodies thrusting, lips parted, shuddering
with hot meals cooked and bellies fed
with children raised in the fullness of peace
martha just smiles hands out her gifts

I don't know what it means! Who is Martha? e: I'm dumb, she's a fertility goddess. But why is she sitting in the market, selling free-range chickens? They are not a fertility symbol. And what's with "organic"? Is the townsfolk's fertility suffering because of pesticides?

the night nurse (twistedcrone)

97 words

the night nurse in the hospital halls
patients in beds terminal
she holds a hand and whispers a word
the morgue receives another cold slab
of flesh without spirit useless and dry
man in remission his dreams filled with joy
the night nurse touches his forehead
and smiles teeth white on pale lips
his cancer returns so fast the doctors
are baffled and tell him the horrible news
yet another body weeks later is given
to the embrace of the earth and a soul flies away
the night nurse in the hospital halls
smiling, touching, whispering, death
I don't know if the obvious namecalling is a plus or a minus. I'll go with the latter.

Note: while I haven't read any poetry in years, I have attempted writing it. (So what? It was an exercise.) And my standard was to try to make every word of it meaningful, and this doesn't look like it adheres to the same approach.

To finish, I must say I came away feeling less icky than when I began. Also, I'd loving appreciate some more punctuation.

--------

Was that vile enough? :3:

# ? Jan 8, 2013 08:32

Stuporstar: May 5, 2008; Where do fists come from?

Just wanted to pop in and share an almost-success story from the Thunderdome. Just got a rejection from Stupefying Stories for "The Leatherettes."

Bruce Bethke posted:

Thanks for giving us the opportunity to consider this one. After reading and discussing it, we've decided it's not right for us at this time. Good luck placing it elsewhere.

This one is hilarious, but simply not right for us at this time. If you haven't placed it elsewhere by April, consider resubmitting it to us then.

In the meantime: not this one, but maybe your next one. Send us another story, please.

I doubt I can place that story anywhere else, so I guess I'll try again in April, since I've been invited to re-sub.

# ? Jan 8, 2013 08:35

Erik Shawn-Bohner: Mar 21, 2010; by XyloJW

They're loving morons for not taking that story. That is all.

# ? Jan 8, 2013 08:38

SurreptitiousMuffin: Mar 21, 2010

Bite my banger, bonerman. I will take my words and shove them clean up your urethra until you piss blood and poetry. Bottle it, babyman; it'll be the sweetest thing that ever comes out of you.

quote:

Prompt: narrative poetry about unimportant things

Picker
364 Words

The truck goes down the alley slow
nosing among the scattered dross, looking
for metal-sign, the glints and telltale sheen,
which lead to castoff treasures, abandoned gold. lovely. Not sure what abandoned is doing there- seems redundant with castoff just before it.

The cab is silent today, no music� a linebreak is about the same pause as a comma, maybe slightly shorter. Here, it's not enough. You may have noticed me overusing � in all my prose- that's because it's what goes here.
that kind of day. That kind of mood. He smokes-
rolls down the window just a crack; a cold breeze�
outside whispering through fingerless gloves there was a comma here and I chopped it. If there's a nice double meaning (e.g. 'cold breeze whispering through' and 'whispering through fingerless gloves') that adds to the thing, keep it in. In prose you're taught EVERYTHING MUST BE CLEAR but this isn't prose you're dealing with. Have a little fun.
one tapping ash, one loosely on the wheel.�

Eyes darting ceaselessly, searching for scrap
When found, it will be pried apart, gutted
then thrown together in the high walled bed,�
piled haphazardly, bound together with rope. I feel like you're riffing of The Circus Animals' Desertion. If that's the case, don't. Too many beginner poets try to riff off Eliot/Yeats etc and trip over their own feet. Those are some big shoes to fill. If you're not, look it up and read it; it's a much more elegant portrayal of what you're going for here.

Mostly it takes no time, no time at all. this repetition is clumsy- it serves no purpose�
Hops out the truck, grab it, throw, back in, gone.
The big ones, though, they need some care, some focus. too choppy. Find a way to cut commas.

~~Like~~ this one, almost blocking the way-
left carelessly, with hope that someone else
would deal with it, remove the problem, please. oh god so many commas just go through and ask yourself "do I really need this comma? What is it doing to the prosody?" The answer is "loving with it in a bad way".

He stops the truck, steps out deliberately
strides towards the prize, a sofa bed, angled
up, pointing skyward, stained and forgotten,
hard frame beneath soft foam and cloth, the ax
swung high to crash upon it, stuffing thrown�
into the air like snow, the harsh shriek of�
metal on metal, clawing out the bones.�the soft rhymes are lovely but COMMAS COMMAS COMMAS

The gutted carcass left behind, he stoops
dragging the mangled frame behind him slowly
cacophony on pavement drawing stares
from passers-by, muttering, dark looks, follow�
clinging to him like garbage stink. He's used�
to both. Deals with them every day. Don't care. the words you're using are a bit strong here. I know what you're trying to do with carcass but it's too much. You want the RIGHT word, not the BEST word. Bad poetry wastes $20 words on 10c sentiment.

He stoops and straightens, heaves, the jangled mess
refusing to cooperate, the truck
not helping either, worn out springs sagging
unpredictably [I've noticed you use thi word a lot. It's really unwieldy]. He keeps on anyway
grits his teeth, growls from his chest, ignores the crowd,�
laughing at him, chuckling down in their throats.�

When he manages to get it on, cheers
break out, the crowd clapping as he dusts off [STDH.TXT][in other news the way 'get it on' collocates subtly changes the prosody and it's not working]
walks stiffly around to the door, applause
heralding his ascent to the seat, cheers [i]ascent works here in the way carcass didn't. It's a powerful word but not so much it overpowers the line.
as he shifts gears and rolls the window closed
smoke already starting to thicken up.

The engine's belching rumble echoes back
from tight-packed buildings crowded round,�
exhaust billowing out behind, cold cloud�
white in the morning frost, weak sun throwing
pale light on piles of trash and worn-out goods.

Overall I like it. I'm not sure how well it fits 'narrative' though. There's a thing that happens but there's not really a plot as such. Your really big issue is the little technical poetry stuff; correct use of punctuation and linebreaks. It's less "each piece of punctuation has a strict grammatical function" than "each piece of punctuation slows the line down THIS MUCH EXACTLY". The technical prose use it still important but you're allowed to say 'close enough' if it sounds good. This is terribly unprofessional advice but everyone does it.

# ? Jan 8, 2013 08:45

Erik Shawn-Bohner: Mar 21, 2010; by XyloJW

Ya'll are all talk, but the albatross done already put something up in the crit thread.

# ? Jan 8, 2013 08:50

SurreptitiousMuffin: Mar 21, 2010

I was busy creating daily poetry 2013. If you're a real man, post in there.

From what I've seen, this thread is a bunch of men who talk a lot of big poo poo but tuck their cock between their legs and float off at the merest hint of daisies and love.

HARDEN THE gently caress UP AND EMBRACE BEAUTY IN THE LITTLE PLACES.

(the thread title aint even a joke all poetry these days is about dicks anyway and I bet y'all know a lot about dicks)

# ? Jan 8, 2013 09:07

SurreptitiousMuffin: Mar 21, 2010

case in point

1. Why patriots are a bit
nuts in the head

Patriots are a bit nuts in the head
because they wear
red white and blue tinted spectacles
(red for blood,
white for glory
and blue ... for a boy)
and are in effervescent danger
of losing their lives.
Lives are good for you.
When you are alive
you can eat and drink a lot
and go out with girls
(sometimes
if you are lucky
you can even go to bed with them)
But you can't do this
if you have your belly shot away
and your seeds spread out over some corner
of a foreign field
to facilitate
in later years
the growing of oats
by some peasant yobbo

when you are posthumous
it is cold and dark
and that is why patriots
are a bit nuts in the head

- Roger McGough

# ? Jan 8, 2013 09:08

SurreptitiousMuffin: Mar 21, 2010

Also while we're on the subject, we really need to get around to Thunderdome 2.0. The thread is massive and the OP wasn't build for something that got quite so big. Do we want to leave it to Martello/Stuporstar/Bonerbaby or should this week's winner have the honour?

# ? Jan 8, 2013 09:14

Erik Shawn-Bohner: Mar 21, 2010; by XyloJW

More Tallow is working on it.

# ? Jan 8, 2013 09:24

Fanky Malloons: Aug 21, 2010; Is your social worker inside that horse?

I want you all to know that I have judged you, harshly. I'm currently waiting on the other judges to confirm who is the worst of the worst, and who is the least-worst. Please continue to amuse yourselves for now, because I'm too busy being awesome to entertain you.

# ? Jan 8, 2013 16:26

Martello: Apr 29, 2012; by XyloJW

I'm gonna start by saying that I don't like theme or the 2nd-person future, but that's what you picked as a challenge to yourself so I'll have to deal with it I guess. I legit don't like this story at all.

supermikhail posted:

I spent an inordinate amount of time on this thing. should have spent more or none at all

Gentleman's Dream 491 words.

No one knows the time, but one day you will come to my country. When the sun sets over the concrete mountains, you will appear on the crest of a hill, riding a black stallion. You will stare hard at my dilapidated tower, then gallop down through the gathering mists. I will watch you from my window, afraid to believe my eyes. This needs punching up. You're using trite terms like "stare hard" and "afraid to believe my eyes." Change it up and use some metaphor and simile. I like "concrete mountains" but nothing else really grabs me here.

As you come closer, I will hide from your level gaze. The rabid snorting of your horse will disturb the still evening air, and your armor will clang as you dismount. I'll hear your heavy steps on the stairs and shrink away from the door, my heart beating ever so fast. There you'll appear, in the dark doorway, yellow sunlight playing on your black platemail. "level gaze" another overused term. Come up with a new one. Also how does the armor clang? Does it sound like bells, like tin cans falling down the stairs? And OHMYGOD YOU SAID PLATEMAIL! Platemail is a coat-of-plates, a leather jerking or tunic with metal plates sewn on to it. It's not a suit of plate armor. That's called "plate armor." Please don't ever type platemail again unless you're talking about a coat-of-plates.

�My queen,� you'll say, �I've brought you this gourd of Heaven's milk. Will you come with me?� What the gently caress is heaven's milk and why does it need to be in a gourd and why does she want it? This doesn't tell me anything although I like the idea of it.

And I'll know you're the one. Why, was it prophesied or summat?

I'll ride with you by the cover of the night up the rock path. A glow of white flame will meet us around a corner, and you'll lower me to the ground before charging the purple dragon at the top of the path. It'll swoop right at you and knock the horse off the cliffs, while you dive away, barely escaping the same fate. As the monster lands and bears on your small figure, I'll run up, and it'll fall quiet upon seeing me. I'll approach and kiss it on the head. At that, the fearsome beast will lie down. I'll mount the purple dragon, you'll sit behind me, hugging me tightly, and we'll fly over the rumpled mountains, roars of the dragon echoing below us. It'll fly higher and higher, beating its wings rhythmically, first slowly, then faster and faster, until it soars past the tallest peak. The rock will groan under its hot flame, and then the dragon'll drop sharply into a crevice where a hidden glade will await us.Action scenes in 2nd-person future are simply awful, not sure what else to say about this. It has zero impact and just slogs along describing what will happen. Also full of cute little worn-out terms.

A pink unicorn will come out of the trees and face the purple dragon who will bow its head and extinguish the fumes of its furnace.This metaphor doesn't work. Maybe "douse its furnace" "extinguish its furnace" but "flames of its furnace" is clumsy. As you approach the unicorn, it'll beat the ground with agitation, and bolt, but you'll catch it by the horn at the last moment. You'll caress it to calm it down, to no avail; it'll dance and rear its head trying to break away. You'll climb on top of it to try to break it in, and hold on as it shakes you around. The earth and the sky will fuse into a smear in your eyes, you'll be about to fall down, but I'll run up and look the unicorn in the eye, and with the last jerk the unicorn will drop to its knees, and you'll roll off.Exact same problem with last paragraph. It's just this broad telling me what's gonna happen and why should I care?

In the morning we'll ride on to your suburban castle, you with your purple dragon, I � with my pink unicorn. No one knows when it'll happen, but the time is drawing near. Those are some gay-rear end colors, just fyi. Suburban castle? What kind of fantasyland is this? Suburban castle and concrete mountain are fairly evocative but you do absolutely nothing with them.

I just can't do the 2nd-person future. It takes any impact out of the story because this broad who exists for no reason I can see is telling the reader it's gonna happen instead of it happening in front of the reader's eyes. Maybe there's a good way to do 2nd-person future tense, but I doubt it, and it certainly isn't this. I'd recommend not doing it again.

It seems like you want this to be some grandiose event that's been predicted and the townspeople or whoever want it to happen and blah blah blah but you never told me why. That and do something with the suburban/concrete out-of-place descriptors.

# ? Jan 8, 2013 17:51

supermikhail: Nov 17, 2012; "It's video games, Scully."
Video games?"
"He enlists the help of strangers to make his perfect video game. When he gets bored of an idea, he murders them and moves on to the next, learning nothing in the process."
"Hmm... interesting."

Awww. And you almost got it. I really don't write for other people, it seems.

So, while it may not appear of much significance to others, for me the theme of homosexual romance has so far been, so to say, moot. I guess I know where it is with me now that I've sneaked homosexual romance in under the guise of children's literature.

# ? Jan 8, 2013 19:07

Martello: Apr 29, 2012; by XyloJW

supermikhail posted:

Awww. And you almost got it. I really don't write for other people, it seems.

This is more of the stuff that was pissing people off in the fiction advice thread. You come off pompous as gently caress, when you can just leave out the "I don't write for other people" horseshit and take the crit on the chin. I mean, clearly you're far superior to the rest of us slags since we can't understand the finer nuances of your super-edgy under-the-radar gay romance kidlit.

quote:

So, while it may not appear of much significance to others, for me the theme of homosexual romance has so far been, so to say, moot.

What are you saying here? Homosexual romance doesn't exist or you're all about it or what? What's "moot" about the theme? Please speak plainly.

quote:

I guess I know where it is with me now that I've sneaked homosexual romance in under the guise of children's literature.

I really don't get this either. I feel like you missed the point of my critique (much like I missed the point that it was about two dudes and "queen" is like Freddie Mercury not Madbh) and are just blathering about something completely different. The problem isn't that it's homosexual romance "sneaked in" or whatever bullshit - the problem is that it's badly done gay romance that no kid would ever want to read, and no adult either.

For everyone - don't respond to crits in this thread anymore. If you wanna thank the guy who crit you, do it via PM. It should go without saying anyway. If you want to argue with him, either shut up forever or take it to PM. If you really must get more feedback or don't understand what your crit partner is saying and want feedback from others, go to Fiction Farm 2013 or make a new thread. Or take it to PM. Or shut up forever. All of those are fine choices.

supermikhail's response is a great example of how not to do it.

# ? Jan 8, 2013 21:19

Martello: Apr 29, 2012; by XyloJW

Thunderdome 2013 OP is coming soon. The winner of this week will wait until I post it to make the rules post. PM me if I haven't posted it yet to remind me.

# ? Jan 8, 2013 21:19

Fanky Malloons: Aug 21, 2010; Is your social worker inside that horse?

Both of my fellow judges, Hidden Gecko and Erik Shawn Banana-Hammock, seem to be MIA, therefore I am going to give them until after I eat and shower to respond to my PMs of Judgement, after which I will just judge this bitch all by myself. Stand by. :colbert:

# ? Jan 9, 2013 02:03

Fanky Malloons: Aug 21, 2010; Is your social worker inside that horse?

THUNDERDOME JUDGMENT ZONE: WEEK XXII :siren:

Submissions have been read, judgement has been passed, and in this, the final battle of the Thunderdome's current thread, sebmojo has been crowned king once again. Congratulations to you, sir.

Runners up/honourable mentions go to swaziloo, who wrote a really tight piece that was my other top pick, and toanoradian for making a truly valiant effort and producing a pretty nice piece in spite of all the stupid rules we gave him.

I would also like to mention Noah, as this week he was a true Thunderdome challenger, writing 3 pieces on top of his Thunderdome entry, and not even bitching a little bit when Hidden Gecko gave him a punishment prompt. Go you.

For the most part, you all did pretty good (I GUESS), and I am well pleased with how this prompt turned out.

Now, on to the losers :argh:

Zack_Gochuck gets that dubious honour this week, by unanimous decision for somehow failing to follow both my prompt and his own and submitting a low-effort, barely disguised Twilight parody. Wtf dude?

Dishonourable mention goes to Bad Seafood for horrible punctuation neglect that basically made his piece unreadable. Stream of consciousness does not mean that you don't have to use commas, fool.

I did make short comments on everybody's submissions as I went through them, so I will post those up shortly unless someone tells me not to.

# ? Jan 9, 2013 04:12

HiddenGecko: Apr 15, 2007; You think I'm really going
to read this shit?

I too have comments. I'll have a paragraph or more for each of you. I will have them up by tomorrow.

# ? Jan 9, 2013 04:17

Bad Seafood: Dec 10, 2010; If you must blink, do it now.

Fanky Malloons posted:

Dishonourable mention goes to Bad Seafood for horrible punctuation neglect that basically made his piece unreadable. Stream of consciousness does not mean that you don't have to use commas, fool.

I was actually wondering about this. Most of the places I poked around for tricks of the trade made it quite clear lack of punctuation was part of what made it stream of consciousness; that without (or rather "With") it was just internal monologue, which I already knew how to do. I actually thought I'd get blasted for having periods at all.

Nevertheless, I accept your judgement. Let it be the albatros 'round my neck, till such time I have fought my way back to the land of the living.

# ? Jan 9, 2013 04:31

Erik Shawn-Bohner: Mar 21, 2010; by XyloJW

By the way, sebmojo, Benagain, and Bad Seafood are your judges for next week.

Suck on those eggs and start plotting. Send me your prompt.

Mr. Martello,

TEAR DOWN THIS THREAD.

# ? Jan 9, 2013 04:36

Martello: Apr 29, 2012; by XyloJW

Fanky Malloons posted:

I would also like to mention Noah, as this week he was a true Thunderdome challenger, writing 3 pieces on top of his Thunderdome entry

Um, I did that too. :colbert:

Totes 'ffended.

Erik Shawn-Bohner posted:

Mr. Martello,

TEAR DOWN THIS THREAD.

Tomorrow, I promise.

# ? Jan 9, 2013 04:38

Fanky Malloons: Aug 21, 2010; Is your social worker inside that horse?

Martello posted:

Um, I did that too. Totes 'ffended.

Yeah but yours sucked and Noah's was decent, sooooo :colbert:

Mini-crits:

Martello:
Magical realist free verse
Good: imagery, alliteration
Less Good: cadence/rhythm, enjambement, spacing
Adherence to self-inflicted prompt: You didn't officially make one, but it was a pretty good step outside your usual oeuvre

Beezle Bug:
First person noir romance
Good: voice, descriptive language
Less Good: Isn't the protagonist usually supposed to be in the thick of the action in noir?
Adherence to self-inflicted prompt: Romance not romantic enough, noir not noir enough

supermikhail:
Future second person children's lit
Good: Pulled off second person really well
Less Good: purple dragon, pink unicorn, barf
Adherence to self-inflicted prompt: Admirable, though I'm not feeling the actual prompt much here
(Ps: learn to accept critiques more graciously kthx)

STONE OF MADNESS:
Upbeat lite historical romance feat. plovers
Good: Characterization, dialogue
Less Good: flowery prose (=/= historical), line break etiquette
Adherence to self-inflicted prompt: Lite, check. Romance, check. Plovers, check. Historical?

Symptomless Coma:
Horror with a believably unlikeable protagonist.
Good: Neat idea, protagonist isn't a caricature
Less Good: Clumsy language and confusing action. Needless wasting of words.
Adherence to self-inflicted prompt: Poor execution of a good idea. Horror not horrifying enough, unlikeable protagonist not unlikeable enough.

swaziloo:
Not-scifi, not-fantasy tween fiction that is self-contained.
Good: Pacing, story arc, characters
Less Good: Inconsistent voice for the POV (i.e. Kevin)
Adherence to self-inflicted prompt: Marvellous.

Zack_Gochuck:
Teen supernatural semi-erotica romance story. No werewolves, no vampires (per FM)
Good: Amusing, obeyed flash rule
Less Good: Utter failure to follow both my prompt, and your own.
Adherence to self-inflicted prompt: Fail. Twilight parody =/= what you said you were going to do :argh:

SurreptitiousMuffin:
Funny, no fantasy or altered states.
Good: Lol dickbong
Less Good: I think there was room to make it funnier
Adherence to self-inflicted prompt: Barely squeaking by on the altered states clause (by your own admission), but otherwise good

Bad Seafood:
Steam of consciousness sword and sorcery
Good: Gets the action across quite well, despite its flaws
Less Good: Stream of consciousness doesn't negate the use of proper punctuation.
Adherence to self-inflicted prompt: You sure did the thing you said you would do.

Noah:
Contemporary lit featuring an albatross (per HiddenGecko).
Good: Story arc, creepy birds, illustration!
Less Good: Nobody would ever call an albatross "Little Guy", those fuckers are huge.
Adherence to self-inflicted prompt: It was inflicted upon you, and you made a noble effort, well done, sir.

Benagain:
Narrative poetry.
Good: Clear narrative, poetic description of a worn-out sofa bed
Less Good: Rhythm and punctuation - spacing/pauses need work, have you tried reading this out loud?
Adherence to self-inflicted prompt: A valiant effort, which I applaud

twinkle cave:
Horror.
Good: In theory
Less Good: Takes way too long to get to the point
Adherence to self-inflicted prompt: Not really very horrifying.

toanoradian:
Dark sensual realistic romantic erotica. With a secretary bird that must not die, and crushing poverty, and a religious crutch (per HG and FM)
Good: Setting, sex-scene
Less Good: Stupid grammatical errors, weak ending
Adherence to self-inflicted prompt: You hit all the marks, including the flash rules, and it wasn't terrible, bravo.

Capntastic:
A dialogue-driven story
Good: Naturalistic dialogue, focus on a small moment rather than a wider story
Less Good: She's in clothing, yet the manager moves her to clothing?
Adherence to self-inflicted prompt: 100%

Sebmojo:
Kitchen sink romantic comedy/drama.
Good: Characters, dialogue
Less Good: You should maybe stick to one POV in such a short story?
Adherence to self-inflicted prompt:Verily!

Iroel:
Sci-fi. In short paragraphs.
Good: Interesting presentation, good sci-fi mood
Less Good: Not distinguishing between thought, speech, and narration is confusing
Adherence to self-inflicted prompt: Very sci-fi. That first paragraph is still pretty long though.

# ? Jan 9, 2013 05:38

toanoradian: May 31, 2011; The happiest waffligator

Fanky Malloons posted:

toanoradian:
Dark sensual realistic romantic erotica. With a secretary bird that must not die, and crushing poverty, and a religious crutch (per HG and FM)
Adherence to self-inflicted prompt: like a masochistic puppy ready to be pounced by hungry secretary birds

Umm excuse me none of my prompts are self-inflicted. They're all inflicted upon me by the evil Secretary Bird Supremacists in this thread :argh:

Also here's my review of STONE OF MADNESS' story. I apologize for being late. Apologies also to the shortness of it, I blame only my lack of experience giving critiques. Also because there's only one big misstep in your story I could find.

STONE OF MADNESS posted:

A Gift 982 words

Wait, do we have laser guns yet?
Your story could be in any periods of history. Alice is your typical upper-class girl with typical spoiling father, a stereotype that could still exist today. I couldn't place Giles at anytime either. I knew he's rich enough to own his own house, that he's stronger than Alice, that he's less cheery than her, that he appreciates material wealth more than her, but man, that could be any rags-to-riches businessman in any age.

Setting also doesn't help. A beach and a house with doesn't really paint any historical period. From my brief research the use of portmanteau as luggage begins around 17th century (for rich people), the same century for the first sighting of ottoman chairs, first English-language newspaper and the stereotypical 'look' of a fireplace. As there are no parts in the story where further details about their furniture is given, this story can be set from 17th century to current age, and there are tons of difference there. Clearly I'm not going to ask for every prop you use to be historically accurate, but there needs to be some signs of the time your characters are in. That's what interesting about historical fiction; seeing characters live in a different time. This story could be set in the future for all I know.

I shall smoke your plot and chill out
There's the general feeling of ease in this whole story. Even the mysterious chest, probably the only suspenseful thing in this, had a bit of a subdued effect. I want to know what's inside the chest, but it's not like I really care, y'know? On one hand this fits the prompt and the challenge, but on the other your story lacks tension. There were few moments of 'unease', such as Giles' doubt of his love towards Alice, that hints at something darker, but I didn't feel that those hints affect the mood at all.

The calmness affects the romance as well, making it rather understated. But since you're writing upbeat and 'lite', it fits beautifully. Good job!

The rest of my review are small complaints.

I think 'leer' already implies a wicked expression, so 'leer wickedly' is redundant. Maybe change 'bestiarist' with 'ornithologist'. 'insensate with excitement' is impossible, as 'insensate' means devoid of feelings. 'the one sat upon the other' is after Alice not being able to differentiate Father's things with Giles'. Are you talking about the ottoman chairs?

There were moments where there's a response to an action but the action wasn't there. For example, the sentence "and now it seemed preferable to accept Alice's outstretched fingers, instead." Alice didn't offer her fingers and Giles hadn't been shown to use his own fingers.

Be careful of your dialogue tags. Read again and make sure any tags that are not 'said' can actually be something that produces a sentence. For example, you can't really squeal a word.

Semicolons already connect two sentences as somewhat related, so I think the 'and's after the semicolons can be deleted.

Your plovers didn't do much besides appearing. As a newly-converted hater of all birds, I approve.

In conclusion, a nice relaxed story with decent characters and dialogue but lacking in historical settings or characters.

# ? Jan 9, 2013 06:59

Capntastic: Jan 13, 2005; A dog begins eating a dusty old coil of rope but there's a nail in it.

Fanky Malloons posted:

Capntastic:
Less Good: She's in clothing, yet the manager moves her to clothing?

The manager doesn't give a gently caress, and she doesn't give a gently caress. The job is of so little importance that she doesn't feel the need to point that out. The idea of her manager saying she'll need to be trained by someone who is (presumably) herself is something of a minor joke I could've made more clear.

Swaziloo: I'll crit yours up once the new thread hits.

# ? Jan 9, 2013 08:16

SurreptitiousMuffin: Mar 21, 2010

I just want to say that googling Dick Bong is way funnier than it needs to be.

# ? Jan 9, 2013 08:20

Erik Shawn-Bohner: Mar 21, 2010; by XyloJW

Fellow Romans, Friends,

The last clap of thunder has fallen upon our blessed dome, and after salting the earth we live on with the blood and tears of the fallen, we must sadly move on to a new thread. There were laughs, cries for vengeance, and lots of people typing while incoherently drunk. We have seen the worst among us become kings, and the mighty have fallen.

Let us all recognize that there were great accomplishments in this thread. Words were pounded out, people were published, and we saw that the road to writing success isn't as rocky as we thought--you just gotta put one foot in front of the other. Be proud of yourselves, and be proud of your brothers and sisters in Thunderdome. We're the coolest thread in CC, and we're the best posters because we don't slink into the other threads and whine about lacking inspiration or the gumption to write. We just do it every week for better or worse. That puts each and every one of you far ahead of the rest.

With that said, the sun is setting on this monumental thread. The eyes are growing weary, and our old bird is getting ready to die. But have no fear, for it will be reborn. It will be fresh, there will be new blood, and we shall up the ante on the prompts to make for a more challenging experience.

Until that time tomorrow though, let's have some fun, and...

:regd08:

# ? Jan 9, 2013 08:40

toanoradian: May 31, 2011; The happiest waffligator

Fun? So are we, like, allowed to make fun of the judges?

cuz i got some fat jokes

# ? Jan 9, 2013 08:58

Capntastic: Jan 13, 2005; A dog begins eating a dusty old coil of rope but there's a nail in it.

Thank you Thunderdome for reminding me that I am capable of writing for real and not as some theoretical action that can only happen on the astral plane as a convergence between "inspiration" and "motivation".

# ? Jan 9, 2013 09:00

Erik Shawn-Bohner: Mar 21, 2010; by XyloJW

toanoradian posted:

Fun? So are we, like, allowed to make fun of the judges?

cuz i got some fat jokes

Go hog wild. (and vote five if you haven't on this thread)

# ? Jan 9, 2013 09:04

Erik Shawn-Bohner: Mar 21, 2010; by XyloJW

gently caress tha police

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aowSGxim_O8

# ? Jan 9, 2013 09:09

Erik Shawn-Bohner: Mar 21, 2010; by XyloJW

Capntastic posted:

Thank you Thunderdome for reminding me that I am capable of writing for real and not as some theoretical action that can only happen on the astral plane as a convergence between "inspiration" and "motivation".

Kayfabe is over for the time until the next thread.

It's a huge joy to have you here. You're one of my favorites. I absolutely love that you keep coming back. Some people can survive over and over, but they don't have the loving guts you do.

Keep working hard.

Edit: Teach some of the crybaby newbies what this whole sleight of hand is about.

# ? Jan 9, 2013 09:13

STONE OF MADNESS: Dec 28, 2012; PVTREFACTIO

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kF1XtBcS7E0

Is there a link for the new thread yet?

# ? Jan 9, 2013 09:13

Etherwind: Apr 22, 2008; Can't post for 77 days!; Soiled Meat

Thank you, Thunderdome, for single-handedly changing my opinion on the worth of Creative Convention regarding writing and fiction.

# ? Jan 9, 2013 09:16

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 27, 2024 21:03

Erik Shawn-Bohner: Mar 21, 2010; by XyloJW

STONE OF MADNESS posted:

Is there a link for the new thread yet?

You'll see when it is because this one will get closed. Let's concentrate on making GBS threads this one up as hard as we can until Marty wakes up.

# ? Jan 9, 2013 09:17

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Flash Fiction Thunderdome - FYI, I do take big dumps, holla.

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