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Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW
Je Suis la pomme de terre.

balls balls balls

Martello looks at cat butts on the internet unironically.

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Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

Because of timezones, someone gimme a ballpark for how far away this is? Because that was like 12 hours ago for me.

e: Dammit, got 6th/9th mixed up. I'm very good at reading. Still, what timezone are we talking?

I'm in. The chips are down.

I'm gonna say it's US EST, meaning it'd be ~3:20AM August 6th right now.

Also, you lose one point for the potato pun. I'll retract that for now, but I've got my eyes on you.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW
Great. So far, we've got judges and entrants that can't read. This is going to be a fantastic contest.

If anyone cries about not writing enough in any other threads, point them here. If you're on the edge on whether you want to join or not, go ahead and jump in. You have four days to write 1000 words max. It could just be 500 words. Remember that it's in your interest to lure a sacrificial lamb into here to be slaughtered, so the more the merrier.

Meanwhile, I'm going to work with Martello on some Hooked on Phonics and Sesame Street to get this reading and counting thing down.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW

Martello posted:

Autumn, bring JHM in here. :frogon:

No.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW
This contest is having the surprising side effect of producing stories I approve of.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW
Here's my entry for the contest: Martello's post history holding a potato.

I feel agony when I read them, anyway.

There's approximately 14 hours until the due date. You have been warned.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

I like this, because if it's weekly, missing the deadline isn't that big a deal.

You'll like what is served to you by your Orwellian masters, aka the triumvirate.

Submit (in both meanings of the word) or suffer. Rise to the top and become a ruler! Make unreasonable demands of contestants! Craft new and interesting ways to cast judgement on your peers and humiliate them with custom titles!

Would you like to know more?

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW
Seven and a half hours until the time of reckoning is at hand.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW

Martello posted:

The following have not submitted yet:

slothmonster
Found Sound
toanoradian
Dr. Kloctopussy

Hurry the gently caress up!

The rest of you are loving with the Jesus. Do you know who does that?

Paradigm shift: the due date has been cut back by one hour. Why? Because none of the other judges are awake/care enough to see! Suck on that, plebs.

New cutoff is ~1:30 hours from now, meaning 1am EST.

Martello says that he feels this way about entries just under the wire:


Let's see some hustle.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW
With me at the helm and my desire to endow many with the spuditar of "Can't write 150 words about a potato in a week", they're welcome to take their chances that I won't make further reductions. They're just lucky I haven't made it retroactive.

P.S. I'm releasing my scoring rubric for you all now. It's (X+Y)-(X+Y)^2=Z where X and Y are the other judges scores and Z is mine.

In my book, you all lose. I hate potatoes.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW

Dr. Kloctopussy posted:

I loving love the Thunderdome.

Shamus O'Mally gripped the firm, moist spuds between the bony fingers of his hand.

"Shara O'Hara, ha'ea ye oiled me spuds?" he cried.

The starchy juice sapped up the winding trails of his fingerprints as he gripped the eye'd tubers with rage.

They never found her body.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW
Those trying to sneak it under the wire have 10 minutes. The bar has been moved again. When I post the signal, it's over.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW
Closed. Deal with it. Why? Guess why.

Thunderdome, bitches.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW

Stuporstar posted:

quote="Canadian Surf Club" post="406408271"]
heh, tater losers

Shame preserved.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW
Wall of shame:

slothmonster
Found Sound

To be added to my OP for posterity.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

You all love my terrible puns.

For an extra point, anyone can post a piece of a story or a post they like from this thread in http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3373573 and post proof here.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW

Found Sound posted:

I deserve it, because I guess I don't know how time works! I thought it was due 2 pm. :suicide:

Don't you worry though. I've more pride to stake for the next thunderdome, and I probably won't gently caress it up again. I'm super good at meeting deadlines.

and i was so looking forward to posting my post-apoc post-potato extinction masterpiece

You should still post it if you got it.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW

Black Griffon posted:

When do we get the word? The crowd demands satisfaction because something something Mad Max.

It's called ritual animal sacrifice for a reason. You can't just off a housepet and call it a day. There's symbols to be considered and rites recited.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW
We're not going to post the results until (probably) tomorrow. However, after much deliberation, I've been authorized to release the following statement in a unanimous decision by the Unilateral Subcommittee on Correct Opinions:

The winner of the competition wrote in English.

Thank you for your cooperation and attention.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW

Stuporstar posted:

You're getting the head right now. Just ya'll wait until you get the shaft. :smuggo:

One day, cock of the walk. Next, a feather duster.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW
We're finalizing our decisions right now. I'll show my work:

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW
Alas, I hath been dethroned, and the oddly-phallic scepter is passed unto Sitting Here.

Enjoy your reign, gentle-goon, but realize that you are merely keeping my throne warm until I return in three weeks.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW
Wrageowrapper tickled my pickle the most, so everyone knows. He was my choice, but the other two hack judges didn't recognize spudiroticism as a legitimate orientation.

(call me... I'd russet your reds)

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

Now that judging is out of the way I have to ask, how obvious was it that the narrator was meant to be massively stoned and the joke was "holy poo poo this guy"?

You're assuming that anyone besides Stuporstar bothered to read the stories before we judged them, which may or may not be wrong.

It's entirely a possibility that we just copied off the answers of the house nerd.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW

pipes! posted:

:siren: HORRIBLE TERRIBLE SHAMEFUL CUSTOM TITLES INBOUND FOR HORRIBLE TERRIBLE SHAMEFUL POSTERS :siren:

Everyone don't forget to thank pipes! for being a great sport and hosting this running contest (and facilitating the assignment of awesome avatars) instead of banning us all in disgust.

Also thank Stuporstar for all the work she put into making funny and sexy avatars for you punks.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW
This contest seems suddenly 1/3 less awesome and I can't pin down why.


P.S. Say thank you to pipes! you bastards.

I'll start:

Thank you pipes! for being the best mod and helping to make this fun thread happen.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW
Dystopian Chick, Lit

Shana woke and pulled the soiled bandanna sleep-mask from her eyes. Between the gagging of tension-release in her core, she coughed up grunts and moans about the banging of a claw hammer against her head. That morning, she had woken up beneath an overpass. Tomorrow, who knows.

All her hung-over pain snapped to a single, searing point when Shana saw the lump of ugly flesh sticking out from the tattered, over-sized coat she called a blanket. It happened again. Gravel spewed as she scrounged back away from the moving lump, face twisting in disgust, "No. No no no."

The figure turned beneath. Shana gripped her clenching stomach and dry-heaved.

Covering her face with a shawl, she crawled to the top of the overpass and peeked over the side. Thousands of them. And every day there are more. Shana popped open her stash of anti-virals, the few left rattling in the bottom. She took one and packed them back into her bag.

The streets stank of sweat, and the mindless rambling of the infected rose to a constant, grating white noise. Shana edged along the buildings, looking away when the hideous creatures turned its gaze on her. A block down, she saw hope. Nearly tripping over herself, Shana ran to the liquor store and ducked inside.

Looking around, she found it to be clear. On the shelf was a gallon bottle of pure grain alcohol. Sweet nepenthe. She snatched at the bottle, and it pulled forward and stuck. With a loud creak, the entire wall rotated with Shana.

It can't be. Shana wept. She unwound the shawl from her face. This underground paradise stretched beyond sight. Buildings, flowers, and people were all lit by the incandescent bars running high above them.

There were other people here, all staring at her, their features bent in sympathy. Not a single one resembled the foul creatures outside. No more darkness, no more hiding.

A woman in a silver dress took her by the hand, "I assume you had an 'interaction' with one of them and went straight for the bottle to try and forget. Don't worry. That's normal."

Shana felt as if she was floating, guided by the hand of the woman in silver. "But, the oddest thing," Shana said, "I knew they were disgusting creatures, but I never got a good look at one of their faces."

The silver woman shook her head with a smile, "Do you really want to know what they look like? I can show you."

Shana fretted with her hands, "Yes."

The silver woman nodded and pulled a piece of paper from her pocket.

Shana held her breath as the unfolded the paper and saw:

Imagine that a small mirror has been placed here instead of the rest of the story.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW
What are you guys talking about? The prompt was about a dystopian chick getting lit, obviously.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

Openoffice has deceived me and a second look at my piece reveals two typos.


As there are no backsies in the THUNDERDOME, I will shave off my malapropisms and wear them as armour.

I'm often guilty of writing mallard priapisms too.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW
Whoever had the awful idea for this thread should be banned.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW
OMG hurry up you retards we want to know the results

god you suck as judges

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW
You're all so awful you broke her.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW
I have full confidence in this latest addition to the judging team and that each story shall be carefully turned in the palm and thoroughly examined for mites and egg biding.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW
I now want to see at least one story about an Orthodox Israeli reaching the breaking point with his parents and defiantly stuffing his face with a ham sandwich in front of them.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW
Don't forget cis-gendered ya'll. If we even sniff a hint of being cis-gendered without otherwise being otherized by society, there will be massive point reductions.

Edit: Also, if you write genuinely racist, sexist, or anything otherwise bullshit that isn't actually comedic, don't expect kind reactions from anyone.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW

Noah posted:

Actually curious about this, so this extends to every single person, period. Not just protagonists. Like not even the antagonists can fall under those categories?

Everyone. If you describe people on the street, they can not fall into the mentioned groups.

It's a challenge.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW

Noah posted:

Got it. Furry-fiction incoming.

I'm wolf-spirit irl, so any mentions of cougars are automatic disqualifications. tia namaste

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW

sebmojo posted:

So we have to write noir, a genre where everyone is horrible to everyone, all our characters can only be female/of colour/otherised-in-some-way but any hint that they're intrinsically horrible will be punished with absolute ferocity?

ALL HAIL THUNDERDOME.

I gotta break kayfabe for a moment to mention that characters can be intrinsically horrible, but that's as boring as being angelic. This is an exercise in breaking out of whatever cultural circle you're in and trying something very different, and you're allowed to define what is very different for you, so we hope you take the spirit of the prompt to heart more than the letter. There will be one rear end in a top hat who writes a 4-chan style hipster-ironic racist story that's trash from all angles, and they should reconsider. The judges won't get a chance to mock them until after the fact.


Now let's get this oppression olympics started, already. I've got a jar of mayonnaise and a Dane Cook DVD I'm running out of.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW

Fanky Malloons posted:

drat, this prompt is cool, but I can't do it for reasons that I am sure you would find completely unacceptable and inadequate. I might be able to dramatically read an entry if I get time before the deadline though. Is that allowed even though I'm not actually entering?

I will allow it, but it will be harshly judged. I prefer effort in writing, but if you can take a turd and turn it to gold, I may look upon thine works and be pleased--sexually.

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Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

Did you just write gay, Hispanic noir?

Dammit. I've been doing actual research this week, so damned if I'm going to start again because someone got to my idea first. Onward, to glory! :black101:

By the by, Puerto Rican swearing is amazing. They've got that poo poo down to an art.

Mi cabron está emocionado.