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'Grats Jonked, my last second botch-job of a story deservedly lost. Good luck in flaying the other winners and bring me back a skin cape. EDIT: I DON'T EVEN READ THE RULES SO I'M AN IDIOT.
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Dec 8, 2012 17:42
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| # ¿ Apr 19, 2024 05:43 |
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Peel posted:Prompts with pictures had a 1000 word minimum, not an 800 word maximum. That makes me a moron. Revising.
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Dec 8, 2012 17:49
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Really busy at the moment, hence the literally last second submission last time. Gonna write something for this right now because I wanted to, even if it is too late 
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Dec 10, 2012 13:25
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As Gouda title as any - Word Count: 507 "Now, more on the explosion that has left twelve dead and dozens injured at the Cribbage Cheese manufactory in Oak Ridge, Tennessee. In the early hours of this morning, an unexplained ignition in the Stilton mouldarium created a deadly fireball that ripped through the factory killing and injuring many of the early-shift workers. Police are saying it is too early to rule out foul-play. The Cribbage Cheese manufactory made headlines last year when British millionaire playboy and cheese magnate, Lord Perceval Cribbage, insisted that all workers in the factory be outsourced from cheesemongers in East London, much to the dismay of the local unemployed in Oak Ridge. We were unable to reach Lord Cribbage for comment, but a spokesperson for the company said he was 'deeply distressed' at the incident and wished the injured a speedy recovery. Our on-the-ground reporter has been interviewing witnesses all day, with mixed opinions." [Interview soundbites.] #1 Local house-wife. "Oh it's horrible isn't it, all those British people getting killed? They were always so lovely and polite." #2 Teen with skateboard. "Yeah, I saw it. It was like *expansive hand-gesture and sound effect*. Pretty awesome." #3 Dairy expert. "I didn't hear nothing 'bout it 'til this afternoon. But I can tell you one thing though buddy - if they'd built American none of this wouldda ever happened. That nancy boy Cribbage wouldn't know a good pasteurizer if it paddled his creamy butt." #4 Man with rake. "Yeah, well, all those folks dying is a shame an' all, but I can't say I'm sorry to see that factory gone. You can't even imagine the smell some days when the wind was right. Gee, it was like being gassed in your own home!" [Cut back to Studio] "Fascinating. I'm told we can go live to a survivor of the incident, Reggie Perkins." [Video interview displayed.] "Hello there Mr. Perkins." "'Ullo 'guv." "How are you feeling?" "'Ow am I feelin'? What d'yo 'fink, I've got a bleedin' wedge of gruyere froo' mah bleedin' arm! You 'fink my insurance is gunna cover that? I miss the buggerin' NHS." [Presenter whispers into microphone 'What the hell did he just say?"] "Not good then sir? Do you know what might have caused the explosion?" "I 'ent got a bloody clue mate. Say, you 'fink you could sort us out a proppa cuppa? Can't stand the swill they's giving us." [Reporter looks uncomfortable, headsetted man in shot makes a cut-off gesture.] "Sorry, that's all we have time for sir. Thank you." "Oi-" [Relieved presenter turns to camera and adjusts sheaf of blank papers. Autocue resumes.] "Now, for a bit of light relief from our in-house pundit, Barry!" [Camera pans to a jovial looking man in bowtie.] "Hey folks! This disaster has been so traumatic for the neighbourhood, some people have said that they just Camembert it! Hoo-boy, was that one a bit too cheesy for you all?" [Camera returns to the presenter.] "Ahaha, comedy gold as ever Barry. We move on to our top story in international affairs, where thousands have died in serious flooding in Bangladesh."
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Dec 10, 2012 14:47
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Rose Wreck posted:Anyone have any criticism to toss my way? I joined this to write something I'd never written and push my boundaries a little, if I can add onto that I'd like it. You share a bad habit that I've tried to break myself in that when you write descriptions, you like to take two bites at the apple. What I mean by that is that you often have a repeated clause after a description describing the same thing slightly differently. The premise of your piece is strong, but I found it undermined by overwordy dialogue. Sometimes repetition can be great for a stressing a point, but most times it is redundant. Some examples from your piece: quote:"They filtered apart into a loose triangle, standing further than they had before." There are other examples of a kind of repetition in the piece, like quote:"Sid looked up sharply. Valerie flounced a little as she turned in her chair. Diane gripped her blackberry tightly." This kind of thing. I find it too much. It works way better to run through characters' reactions to things one at a time to enhance characterisation, rather than go through them all in one go like a cartoon gasp montage. I'm definitely being overly picky, your piece is pretty solid, I just feel that this sort of thing holds you back from natural flowing prose and dialogue. Makes it a little bit stilted and formal.
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Dec 10, 2012 18:12
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| # ¿ Apr 19, 2024 05:43 |
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I am not going to be in for a long time. Too busy recently to devote anywhere near enough attention to the 'dome and in a week I am without access to a computer until February. Enjoy.
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Dec 11, 2012 15:30
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