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life is killing me
Oct 28, 2007



Koivunen posted:

This might not be the right forum and I probably shouldnít post about it at all, but today I found out my husband has been having an affair. He said heís been unhappy in our relationship since our daughter was born. Our sonís due date is in about five weeks. My husband has been seeing this other person for about two months and says he thinks he might love her. I am absolutely crushed, this is completely out of the blue. I donít know what to do. I called in sick to work and my husband isnít staying in our home tonight. What is a person supposed to even do? I canít even think. I thought things were going fine. Yeah, being a parent is tough and changes a marriage, but I really thought we were doing fine, good actually. I donít know what to do.

Iím so, so sorry to hear that. This is a good place to post it and yeah itís totally reasonable to post about it at all because itís a really rough thing youíre going through and itís not good for you in the long run to keep it to yourself even with friends around you to listen to you. If nothing else you know this is a good thread in which to vent.

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space uncle
Sep 17, 2006


Koivunen posted:

This might not be the right forum and I probably shouldnít post about it at all, but today I found out my husband has been having an affair. He said heís been unhappy in our relationship since our daughter was born. Our sonís due date is in about five weeks. My husband has been seeing this other person for about two months and says he thinks he might love her. I am absolutely crushed, this is completely out of the blue. I donít know what to do. I called in sick to work and my husband isnít staying in our home tonight. What is a person supposed to even do? I canít even think. I thought things were going fine. Yeah, being a parent is tough and changes a marriage, but I really thought we were doing fine, good actually. I donít know what to do.

Thatís incredibly tough. Please donít be afraid to post here, you have a lot of strangers on the internet that would like to support as best they can.

Try and take it a little at a time, you will get through this. Make sure to ask friends/family for help, maybe someone could stay with you after the baby is born?

Tamarillo
Aug 6, 2009


Koivunen posted:

This might not be the right forum and I probably shouldnít post about it at all, but today I found out my husband has been having an affair. He said heís been unhappy in our relationship since our daughter was born. Our sonís due date is in about five weeks. My husband has been seeing this other person for about two months and says he thinks he might love her. I am absolutely crushed, this is completely out of the blue. I donít know what to do. I called in sick to work and my husband isnít staying in our home tonight. What is a person supposed to even do? I canít even think. I thought things were going fine. Yeah, being a parent is tough and changes a marriage, but I really thought we were doing fine, good actually. I donít know what to do.

This is absolutely a place you can post about it. That's horrific. Call family, bring in help, prioritise whatever will safeguard your mental health. No real practical advice beyond what everyone else has said but know that this internet stranger is thinking of you in this shithouse situation.

citybeatnik
Mar 1, 2013

You Are All
WEIRDOS





Ehud posted:



Also, I hope this isnít too upsetting to hear at this point, but if you decide to part ways please get a good lawyer to protect yourself and kids. This happened to my mom and she got terrible advice that left her in a lurch for years. Find somebody who is on your side who will help get you the support you deserve.

Seconding this - we're still unfucking the situation my wife's old attorney left us in with regards to my stepdaughter.

Get folks together and look in to professional help. This is a difficult period in the best of times but you ain't alone.

Shifty Pony
Dec 28, 2004

Up ta somethin'




gently caress that's a hard situation. This is definitely the time to pull on every single resource and friendship you have.

Third-ing a lawyer if you can swing it, not just to protect yourself financially but also because it lets you offload having to worry about that side of things.

Shifty Pony
Dec 28, 2004

Up ta somethin'




Baby proofing gripe - I just *love* how baby electronics manufacturers cover their products in warnings to hide cords and make sure they are out of reach from kids, then stick these fuckers on the end of them, preventing you from pushing furniture up flush with the wall to keep small hands away from the cord:

life is killing me
Oct 28, 2007



Yeah you basically need to get an electrician to raise up some outlets a few feet where practical or keeping the cords out of their reach just doesnít work.

My son keeps unplugging his Hatch and his monitor camera and Iíd pull my hair out if I had hair

wizzardstaff
Apr 6, 2018




Koivunen posted:

This might not be the right forum and I probably shouldnít post about it at all, but today I found out my husband has been having an affair. He said heís been unhappy in our relationship since our daughter was born. Our sonís due date is in about five weeks. My husband has been seeing this other person for about two months and says he thinks he might love her. I am absolutely crushed, this is completely out of the blue. I donít know what to do. I called in sick to work and my husband isnít staying in our home tonight. What is a person supposed to even do? I canít even think. I thought things were going fine. Yeah, being a parent is tough and changes a marriage, but I really thought we were doing fine, good actually. I donít know what to do.

This is heartbreaking to hear, Iím so sorry. Know that you have the support of this forum in whatever form it takes.

Koivunen
Oct 7, 2011

there's definitely no logic
to human behaviour

Thank you everyone. It really means a lot to have support from internet strangers because I donít have a ton of people who I can talk to about this in real life.

I didnít sleep at all last night. My daughter saw me crying very briefly before bath and bedtime, and at 3:30 in the morning she climbed into bed with me, patted my shoulder, and asked ďMommy, you still crying?Ē Sheís so perceptive.

I donít know what to think, or do, or anything. He came to get some of his stuff today and we talked for about an hour, and he made it clear that he really cares about this other woman, so I donít see a point in trying to salvage things at this moment in time.

cailleask
May 6, 2007



Iím so sorry!!! Nthing that you should talk to a lawyer - so you can protect yourself and your kids. Please donít be afraid to reach out to friends for help, even if covid has made you maybe more distant than you might have been. Iím sure people who care for you will be willing to step up!

BadSamaritan
May 2, 2008

crumb by crumb in this big black forest



Iím sorry youíre going through this, Koivunen.

redreader
Nov 2, 2009

I am the coolest person ever with my pirate chalice. Seriously.



Dinosaur Gum

Our son got into my wife's nail polish and my wife sorted it out because it was her turn to do early kids this morning. I was quite impressed with how he'd only got it on himself, until she pointed out that there's a patch on the carpet and it's impossible to get out. I'm sure the landlord will be fine with it.

KirbyKhan
Mar 20, 2009




Soiled Meat

Oh yeah, if he is adamant he cares for this woman he met 2 months ago he ~needs~ to be reminded he has to do poo poo for you and his daughter and soon son. That doesn't go away because he found fleeting happiness with some manic pixie dream girl. Calculate how much money you need to keep going. Figure out what household stuff he did that you can't and get a hire, an estimate, or a quote.

Hollar at an ol friend that didn't hang out with the both of y'all and talk some mad poo poo.

Shifty Pony
Dec 28, 2004

Up ta somethin'




redreader posted:

Our son got into my wife's nail polish and my wife sorted it out because it was her turn to do early kids this morning. I was quite impressed with how he'd only got it on himself, until she pointed out that there's a patch on the carpet and it's impossible to get out. I'm sure the landlord will be fine with it.

Don't worry, there are numerous guides for getting polish out of carpet. The important things are to avoid acetone based removers and to test each method in an inconspicuous spot like the corner of a closet. Non-acetone remover, rubbing alcohol, and hairspray are some options.

Unless it was a gel polish in which case you might be screwed.

sheri
Dec 30, 2002



Koivunen posted:

Thank you everyone. It really means a lot to have support from internet strangers because I don’t have a ton of people who I can talk to about this in real life.

I didn’t sleep at all last night. My daughter saw me crying very briefly before bath and bedtime, and at 3:30 in the morning she climbed into bed with me, patted my shoulder, and asked “Mommy, you still crying?” She’s so perceptive.

I don’t know what to think, or do, or anything. He came to get some of his stuff today and we talked for about an hour, and he made it clear that he really cares about this other woman, so I don’t see a point in trying to salvage things at this moment in time.

I am so sorry.
Echoing whatever else here said.
I hope you know this isn't your fault and that we are here for rants/tears/support/etc.

Hippie Hedgehog
Feb 19, 2007

Ever cuddled a hedgehog?

Shifty Pony posted:

Baby proofing gripe - I just *love* how baby electronics manufacturers cover their products in warnings to hide cords and make sure they are out of reach from kids, then stick these fuckers on the end of them, preventing you from pushing furniture up flush with the wall to keep small hands away from the cord:



Once you move the outlet up, don't forget to screw dressers into the wall. You can test the safety yourself by doing the worst-case scenario:
1. Pull out all the drawers to their outermost extension, like your toddler might do.
2. Push down on the top drawer with approximately the weight of your kid. Most dressers will tend to tip, and most will in fact come with instructions to secure them to a wall. I know IKEA's do, at least (in fact they got sued over toddler deaths regardless).

devmd01
Mar 7, 2006

Elektronik
Supersonik


That, do that. A wall strap saved one of my twins from dropping a tall dresser on himself.

DaveSauce
Feb 15, 2004

Oh, how awkward.


Shifty Pony posted:

Baby proofing gripe - I just *love* how baby electronics manufacturers cover their products in warnings to hide cords and make sure they are out of reach from kids, then stick these fuckers on the end of them, preventing you from pushing furniture up flush with the wall to keep small hands away from the cord:



Anti-tip straps. Really a pain in the rear end when you have to unplug it to move it or something, but it absolutely prevents them from getting in there if you've got it tight enough. Basically, you shouldn't be able to unplug the cord with the straps cinched down tight.

Also zip ties (or velcro cable ties if you're feeling fancy) to take up the slack cord to minimize the chance of them grabbing it.

poo poo's going to fall back there and you're going to hate having to undo the straps to reach it, but that's the price you have to pay.

Shifty Pony
Dec 28, 2004

Up ta somethin'




I'm less concerned about the plugs getting unplugged (since the tip straps keep the furniture in place) and more concerned about a hand reaching back there and pulling up enough cable to get wrapped around a limb or neck. If I can get my hand down there there no way a toddler can't.

Also not being able to push the furniture up against the wall makes for a very enticing "insert toys here" slot.

I'll have to get some short flush-plug extension cables and plug the stuff in underneath the furniture. It's just annoying.

davebo
Nov 15, 2006

Parallel lines do meet, but they do it incognito

College Slice

It seems to be against a wall on the right. Is there anything preventing you from just having it slightly angled so the left corner is against the wall closing the gap? I know it's not acceptable for HGTV but if it solves the problem you can leave it that way a few years until they're old enough.

Alternatively if there's space underneath you can always buy one of those power strips where the wall plug is 90 degrees and no thicker than the baseboard trim so it just sits underneath it on top and let's it be flush with the baseboard. Also if the cord for whatever that is has too much slack just wrap it up and tie it off.

External Organs
Mar 3, 2006

A cheerful person, he is known as the king of vulgarities (cursing?)

Important update: my 1 year old puts her arms behind her naruto run style and spins around when she's excited.

Not sure what it means but it's pretty great.

life is killing me
Oct 28, 2007



External Organs posted:

Important update: my 1 year old puts her arms behind her naruto run style and spins around when she's excited.

Not sure what it means but it's pretty great.

Every time I think about Naruto or see someone doing that I think of Key & Peeleís bit on when white guys are about to get in a fight

Koivunen
Oct 7, 2011

there's definitely no logic
to human behaviour

Trying to get my life figured out a quickly as possible... Went to the bank and made sure my finances are in order, and got rid of the loose change that my husband always dropped around the house that drove me absolutely bonkers, made $54. My mom came over and helped with laundry today since I canít carry stuff up and down two flights of stairs any more, and I rage-cleaned out the fridge, scrubbed down the shelves and everything. Iím having lunch with my mom tomorrow, then meeting up with a friend who got divorced last year to get some advice. My daughter and I are spending all of Wednesday with friends, one of my best friends will be staying at my house for a few days, and another will be helping with unfinished yard work that I canít physically finish myself. Iím going to be making a ton of phone calls tomorrow and hopefully seeing some legal people on Friday, and I also reached out to a therapist who works through my OB department who helped with my PPD issues a couple years ago, and she can get me in this Friday.

My husband texted me today saying he was sorry that he couldnít be what I deserved. That just feels like heís twisting a knife around inside me, like he doesnít even want to try to fix anything. Heís settled with the fact that I deserve better, and doesnít want to put in the effort to better himself. Absolutely nothing heís said has made me feel like he even wants to bother with me any more, and thatís what hurts the most.

He also said he wants to be there for the birth of our son. Sorry pal, thatís not happening.

remigious
May 13, 2009

Destruction comes inevitably




Hell Gem

Iím so sorry you are going through that but it sounds like you are doing absolutely everything you can and handling things like a total badass. Iím so glad you have people you can lean on for help.

Tamarillo
Aug 6, 2009


Wow, you legend - I'm so glad that your support network has leapt into action as well. Times like this I wish we had teleporters so we could just beam over and join in on the angry spring cleaning.

I know there is still a lot of tangled feelings but your soon-to-be-ex-husband sounds like a melodramatic pile of poo poo, sorry to say - and it's so sad he's trying to re-frame his selfishness as some sort of selfless act to save you from himself. I'm incredulous at his gall to even suggest attending what is a very intimate medical event for you after this.

Tamarillo fucked around with this message at 04:06 on May 4, 2021

life is killing me
Oct 28, 2007



Yeah he doesnít get to drop a bomb like that on his partner and then think he is wanted or needed there for the birth.

Koivunen, I do hate that you have to give birth alone and handle a newborn without a partner. Heís already a giant rear end in a top hat for this, but his timing makes him a colossal one because he had to know what it meant for you.

Dobbs_Head
May 8, 2008

nano nano nano


redreader posted:

Our son got into my wife's nail polish and my wife sorted it out because it was her turn to do early kids this morning. I was quite impressed with how he'd only got it on himself, until she pointed out that there's a patch on the carpet and it's impossible to get out. I'm sure the landlord will be fine with it.

My go-to chemical for this would be methyl acetate. It is compatible with nylon and a lot of plastics, but can still dissolve most nail polishes. Itís also pretty benign, health-wise.

Isopropanol isnít likely to work, but is harmless to try. Methyl isobutylketone (MIBK) is good one to try too. Itís a ketone like acetone but a less good solvent, which may save your carpet.

If those donít work, you can try methylene chloride or chloroform. That poo poo is toxic, so wear a chrmical rated respirator and use a fan to blow it out a window.

Mineral spirts / toluene/ xylenes will just stain your carpet and wonít pick up nail polish.

calandryll
Apr 25, 2003

Ask me where I do my best drinking!



Pillbug

External Organs posted:

Important update: my 1 year old puts her arms behind her naruto run style and spins around when she's excited.

Not sure what it means but it's pretty great.

Our daughter did that for a long time, we have no idea where she learned it because neither of us have ever watched it. But it is pretty drat funny. She runs around normally but occasionally busts it out.

devmd01
Mar 7, 2006

Elektronik
Supersonik


Tamarillo posted:

I know there is still a lot of tangled feelings but your soon-to-be-ex-husband sounds like a melodramatic pile of poo poo, sorry to say

Goddamn yeah, Iím mad at this dude and I donít know him except for some words on a website. After my first kid was born I was really unhappy for a while but I didnít go somewhere else to make me feel better. We got counseling, both worked on some individual and collective issues, and now weíre in a really good place.

nwin
Feb 25, 2002

make's u think


Fallen Rib

Koivunen posted:

Trying to get my life figured out a quickly as possible... Went to the bank and made sure my finances are in order, and got rid of the loose change that my husband always dropped around the house that drove me absolutely bonkers, made $54. My mom came over and helped with laundry today since I canít carry stuff up and down two flights of stairs any more, and I rage-cleaned out the fridge, scrubbed down the shelves and everything. Iím having lunch with my mom tomorrow, then meeting up with a friend who got divorced last year to get some advice. My daughter and I are spending all of Wednesday with friends, one of my best friends will be staying at my house for a few days, and another will be helping with unfinished yard work that I canít physically finish myself. Iím going to be making a ton of phone calls tomorrow and hopefully seeing some legal people on Friday, and I also reached out to a therapist who works through my OB department who helped with my PPD issues a couple years ago, and she can get me in this Friday.

My husband texted me today saying he was sorry that he couldnít be what I deserved. That just feels like heís twisting a knife around inside me, like he doesnít even want to try to fix anything. Heís settled with the fact that I deserve better, and doesnít want to put in the effort to better himself. Absolutely nothing heís said has made me feel like he even wants to bother with me any more, and thatís what hurts the most.

He also said he wants to be there for the birth of our son. Sorry pal, thatís not happening.

You are kicking rear end with this and Iím so glad you have a good support network around you.

Mind_Taker
May 7, 2007





chiming in to say that Koivunen you are indeed kicking rear end with this really lovely situation your husband put you in.

Diva Cupcake
Aug 15, 2005



Son was not selected for the public school Pre-K lottery. There were 19 spots and 50 kids.

Looks like its Montessori or nothing this year, kiddo.

Dr. Chaco
Mar 30, 2005


Koivunen posted:

He also said he wants to be there for the birth of our son. Sorry pal, thatís not happening.

I mean, if he were to be there, it would, in theory, be to provide you with support, and he obviously is over doing that at any other time so yeah, screw you buddy.

I'm so sorry you are going through this and am also impressed by the rear end kicking. You've got this.

citybeatnik
Mar 1, 2013

You Are All
WEIRDOS





Diva Cupcake posted:

Son was not selected for the public school Pre-K lottery. There were 19 spots and 50 kids.

Looks like its Montessori or nothing this year, kiddo.

Montessori legit helped out my stepdaughter when she was in it - are you going to be doing halfdays or full?

Koivunen posted:

Trying to get my life figured out a quickly as possible... Went to the bank and made sure my finances are in order, and got rid of the loose change that my husband always dropped around the house that drove me absolutely bonkers, made $54. My mom came over and helped with laundry today since I can’t carry stuff up and down two flights of stairs any more, and I rage-cleaned out the fridge, scrubbed down the shelves and everything. I’m having lunch with my mom tomorrow, then meeting up with a friend who got divorced last year to get some advice. My daughter and I are spending all of Wednesday with friends, one of my best friends will be staying at my house for a few days, and another will be helping with unfinished yard work that I can’t physically finish myself. I’m going to be making a ton of phone calls tomorrow and hopefully seeing some legal people on Friday, and I also reached out to a therapist who works through my OB department who helped with my PPD issues a couple years ago, and she can get me in this Friday.

My husband texted me today saying he was sorry that he couldn’t be what I deserved. That just feels like he’s twisting a knife around inside me, like he doesn’t even want to try to fix anything. He’s settled with the fact that I deserve better, and doesn’t want to put in the effort to better himself. Absolutely nothing he’s said has made me feel like he even wants to bother with me any more, and that’s what hurts the most.

He also said he wants to be there for the birth of our son. Sorry pal, that’s not happening.

Fuuuuuck thaaaat guuuuuy. Good on you being able to get support and therapy.

Since this is your second kid i imagine you know the ropes about recovery? Do you have support lined up for that period?

Diva Cupcake
Aug 15, 2005



citybeatnik posted:

Montessori legit helped out my stepdaughter when she was in it - are you going to be doing halfdays or full?
We're looking at 5 days and half day sessions.

L0cke17
Nov 29, 2013



I will never understand why some nights baby sleeps perfectly and other nights he refuses.

Kiddo woke up right around 1am and decided it was playtime for an hour in his crib, then sat facing the door and just screamed at us for another hour. He would go back to only babbling if we were sitting there but thatís still too loud to sleep through.

He finally gave up and went back to sleep around 4am. I am very very tired.

devmd01
Mar 7, 2006

Elektronik
Supersonik


L0cke17 posted:

Parenting Megathread: I am very very tired.

redreader
Nov 2, 2009

I am the coolest person ever with my pirate chalice. Seriously.



Dinosaur Gum

I feel like we did something right or more likely are just super lucky. We have an 11 month old and a 2.75 year old and they sleep in the same room. About 2 months ago, the toddler started climbing out of his crib and into the baby's crib, so we took the front off his crib. Then he started saying he wants to sleep in the 'big bed' (we have a single bed in their room, too, it used to be the guest room. So 2 cribs and a bed) so we got rid of the baby's crib since it wasn't as nice, gave the baby the toddler's crib, and the toddler sleeps on the bed every night.

Baby goes to bed at 7 and toddler at 7:30, they wake up around 7:30am.

When we took the front off his crib he'd get up after bed time and open the door to his room and just cry. If we approached his door he'd slam it closed. A couple of times this lasted about two hours but it got better. I do game nights with my friends starting 7:30pm sometimes and had to cancel all of them for a couple of weeks, but now it's fine. He'll go to bed at 7:30 and just, not come out. He's allowed to come out if he's taken a poo in his diaper and that's it.

And thanks for the advice about cleaning the floor, I'll give it a go at some point and say if it worked. We have 6 cats so I won't use anything too hardcore.

Koivunen
Oct 7, 2011

there's definitely no logic
to human behaviour

Thanks for the encouragement, everyone. Iím having a lot of moments of doubt if Iím doing the right thing by moving towards a divorce, but your comments are reinforcing that yes, I am absolutely doing the right thing.

I really hate that our family is going to be split up. I thought we were going to be together forever and had all these dreams of things we would do with the kids as they grow up, and all of a sudden itís just not happening. Thatís when I start to doubt myself, but Iím trying to keep reminding myself that he has already resigned from this relationship. I just never, ever, ever thought I would be in this position.

Having another productive day today, doing a ton of stuff that I had been asking him to do for literally years that never got done. Making appointments for all kinds of things. Seeing a friend tonight.

As for postpartum stuff, my mom will be staying with me. Iím honestly terrified. I had extremely bad PPD and anxiety after my first, and life was perfectly good then. My daughter has been continuing with her middle of the night wake ups and coming to sleep with me, so I have no idea how Iím going to manage that on top of a newborn by myself all night every night. My mom will be around during the day but night time is all me. But, lots of single moms have done this before and survived, right?

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citybeatnik
Mar 1, 2013

You Are All
WEIRDOS





Koivunen posted:

Thanks for the encouragement, everyone. Iím having a lot of moments of doubt if Iím doing the right thing by moving towards a divorce, but your comments are reinforcing that yes, I am absolutely doing the right thing.

I really hate that our family is going to be split up. I thought we were going to be together forever and had all these dreams of things we would do with the kids as they grow up, and all of a sudden itís just not happening. Thatís when I start to doubt myself, but Iím trying to keep reminding myself that he has already resigned from this relationship. I just never, ever, ever thought I would be in this position.

Having another productive day today, doing a ton of stuff that I had been asking him to do for literally years that never got done. Making appointments for all kinds of things. Seeing a friend tonight.

As for postpartum stuff, my mom will be staying with me. Iím honestly terrified. I had extremely bad PPD and anxiety after my first, and life was perfectly good then. My daughter has been continuing with her middle of the night wake ups and coming to sleep with me, so I have no idea how Iím going to manage that on top of a newborn by myself all night every night. My mom will be around during the day but night time is all me. But, lots of single moms have done this before and survived, right?

Yeah they have. My wife went through something painfully similar when my stepdaughter was born.

If you'd like i can have her send me some of the online support groups she used during those times and pass them on to you. Most of them might be Austin Texas specific but they might be able to direct you to something local for you.

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