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Although this one's been done pretty thoroughly already (and kudos, Djeser, for the general advice), I did have a few impressions.Sithsaber posted:[...] an adolescent [...] Strictly editorial comment that I don't think had been mentioned by others. As I read the first part of the piece, I found myself imagining that Pride was the author and was attempting to malign his brother. That got me wondering, does the actual author have a brother? Is this an exercise in catharsis? I can't help but thinking that the whole thing would generate more interest if it were presented mostly as monologue by Pride. Say, for instance, that he's defending himself while on trial by Justice. Then all the tells wouldn't be historical authorial statements, they'd be rationalizations and aspersions by a frustrated character. Of course, that would require a rework of the ending. Regardless, I didn't develop much empathy for either of the named characters. Nor, I suppose, for any of the unnamed populace who were presumably affected by the unleashed war.
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Jul 18, 2014 00:28
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I recently decided to take a stab at writing; I had no idea how hard it would fight back! There are a couple of specific things I'd like feedback on, but I don't want to spoil the virgin reading experience with leading questions, so I'll start with the story (~630 words). --------------- Excerpts from the Seaford Satellite Freak Farm Fire Friday, October 30, 1987 By Charlene Holmes A fire broke out late last night on the Givens ranch. Mr. Givens says he was awakened around 12:30 by a commotion among his broilers. When he went out to investigate, he saw multiple patches of scrub brush ablaze, and immediately called 911. Fortunately, the Local 87 dispatched the flames before any significant damage was done to person or property. The cause of the fire is still unknown. Maggie on the Move? Saturday, October 31, 1987 By Chuck C. Allen Many years ago, back when my grandfather was but a babe, a child was born to a girl named Margaret. This child entered the world silently, though the room that heralded it was suffused with lament. It is said that this child was born with one foot gnarled like a hoof, tortuous ridges marring its brow, and a nubby, incessantly writhing protrusion above its hindquarters. One of its eyes was veiled in a lactic membrane of crimson. The other, lacking iris and pupil, glistened a slimy pitch. Neither strayed from the agonized visage of the woman who bore it. Margaret, a penitent Christian girl, was distraught. Clearly this was the work of the Devil; punishment for her sole act of mortal weakness. There was only one thing to do. Concealing the child, which was simultaneously blessed and cursed with silence, Margaret stole away to the bridge south of the cemetery and cast the abomination into the creek. Even its splash made not a sound. Nobody knows what next happened to Margaret, but she was never seen again as a creature of the flesh. [Continued on page 3.] For years now there have been stories of strange happenings at Maggie's Bridge -- ghostly lights, vehicular failures, and an oppressive sense of dread. Some claim they can see the silhouette of a weeping young woman, others hear the wail of a vengeful banshee. Certainly the number of automobile accidents in the immediate vicinity is unusually high. So it may come as a surprise that last night around midnight an anonymous resident of Blades reported an apparition. "I stepped outside to clear my head," claims the citizen, "when I saw an angry young woman stalking off toward the forest. She was carrying a barn lantern and looked like she was searching for something. I didn't think much of it until I saw her pass through a tree, literally right through it, then vanish. I hurried inside, but when I looked out the window all I could see was a smokey orange glow coming from across the highway." The informant asked to remain anonymous in order to avoid a reputation as a fabulist. Still, he concluded our conversation with, "It was real. I swear it." Could it be that Maggie is extending her sphere of influence? No longer content merely to haunt those who torment her, has she embarked upon some grievous quest to propagate her misery? Keep your eyes peeled for geists in the night and stick with the Satellite during the day for updates on this recent development. Fowl Fire Foul? Sunday, November 1, 1987 By Charlene Holmes Police are investigating the recent farm fire after an anonymous tipster indicated evidence of arson. Small amounts of kerosene were found connecting the areas which caught fire, suggesting that a more significant conflagration was intended. This reporter is reminded of the Bridgeville fire which devastated farmer Melson's lot two years ago. As of yet, no suspects have been named. In other news, we at the Satellite will soon be conducting interviews for an entry level correspondent. If you're interested, possess journalistic and moral integrity, and have no criminal record, please contact us via one of the following: --------------- If you'd like to critique the text, please read no further, at least until after you've written up your initial thoughts. The rest of this post contains major spoilers about what I was trying to accomplish. I'm trying to tell a story in the subtext. The tale is actually a crime mystery. If you'd like a challenge, although I honestly have no idea how fairly I've presented the puzzle, feel free to read it again with that in mind. Now I'm going to entirely spoil it by including my own intentions in line-edits. Excerpts from the Seaford Satellite [Most of the people/places/phantoms come from Seaford, DE.] Freak Farm Fire Friday, October 30, 1987 [All farms and fictionalized characters of interest existed at this time.] By Charlene Holmes [Performs a role similar to Sherlock Holmes. "Shirley" felt too obvious.] A fire broke out late last night on the Givens ranch. [Givens Farms, DE.] Mr. Givens says he was awakened around 12:30 by a commotion among his broilers. [Chicken farm.] When he went out to investigate, he saw multiple patches of scrub brush ablaze, and immediately called 911. [Multiple patches, implying separate points of ignition.] Fortunately, the Local 87 dispatched the flames before any significant damage was done to person or property. The cause of the fire is still unknown. [But the cause of the fire will become known.] Maggie on the Move? Saturday, October 31, 1987 [Halloween, the perfect time for a ghost story.] By Chuck C. Allen [Charles C. Allens have owned the Allen Farms poultry ranches, historically.] Many years ago, back when my grandfather was but a babe, a child was born to a girl named Margaret. [Mentioning grandfather Allen specifically, although that may not help in finding the familial relationship, just confirming it.] This child entered the world silently, though the room that heralded it was suffused with lament. It is said that this child was born with one foot gnarled like a hoof, tortuous ridges marring its brow, and a nubby, incessantly writhing protrusion above its hindquarters. One of its eyes was veiled in a lactic membrane of crimson. The other, lacking iris and pupil, glistened a slimy pitch. Neither strayed from the agonized visage of the woman who bore it. [Jazzing up some accounts of Seaford's traditional ghost.] Margaret, a penitent Christian girl, was distraught. Clearly this was the work of the Devil; punishment for her sole act of mortal weakness. There was only one thing to do. Concealing the child, which was simultaneously blessed and cursed with silence, Margaret stole away to the bridge south of the cemetery and cast the abomination into the creek. Even its splash made not a sound. [Roughly consistent with what I could gather of the local legends.] Nobody knows what next happened to Margaret, but she was never seen again as a creature of the flesh. [Continued on page 3.] [Give the reader a significant pause. Also implies the story was front page news.] For years now there have been stories of strange happenings at Maggie's Bridge -- ghostly lights, vehicular failures, and an oppressive sense of dread. Some claim they can see the silhouette of a weeping young woman, others hear the wail of a vengeful banshee. Certainly the number of automobile accidents in the immediate vicinity is unusually high. So it may come as a surprise that last night around midnight an anonymous resident of Blades reported an apparition. [Blades being a nearby town which is in the direction from Maggie's Bridge to Givens Farms.] "I stepped outside to clear my head," claims the citizen, "when I saw an angry young woman stalking off toward the forest. She was carrying a barn lantern and looked like she was searching for something. [Kerosene being what was used to start the fires.] I didn't think much of it until I saw her pass through a tree, literally right through it, then vanish. I hurried inside, but when I looked out the window all I could see was a smokey orange glow coming from across the highway." [Chuck inventing a witness to imply that a ghost started the previous night's fire.] The informant asked to remain anonymous in order to avoid a reputation as a fabulist. Still, he concluded our conversation with, "It was real. I swear it." [Evidence that Chuck is sloppy.] Could it be that Maggie is extending her sphere of influence? No longer content merely to haunt those who torment her, has she embarked upon some grievous quest to propagate her misery? [Again, Chuck trying to make the newspaper readers believe that a ghost might be starting fires.] Keep your eyes peeled for geists in the night and stick with the Satellite during the day for updates on this recent development. Fowl Fire Foul? Sunday, November 1, 1987 By Charlene Holmes Police are investigating the recent farm fire after an anonymous tipster indicated evidence of arson. [Charlene being that tipster.] Small amounts of kerosene were found connecting the areas which caught fire, suggesting that a more significant conflagration was intended. This reporter is reminded of the Bridgeville fire which devastated farmer Melson's lot two years ago. [Another poultry farm, the next town to the north.] As of yet, no suspects have been named. [But she could name one suspect.] In other news, we at the Satellite will soon be conducting interviews for an entry level correspondent. [She knows Chuck won't be working there much longer, either because he notices the subtext of her article or because she directly reports him.] If you're interested, possess journalistic and moral integrity, and have no criminal record, please contact us via one of the following: [She's taking a dig at Chuck as well as giving him a warning that she realizes he fabricated his eyewitness and started the fire.] So to summarize: Two years before the start of the story, a young Charles C. Allen sets fire to nearby Melson Farms, which competes with his family in the poultry business. Then he attempts to set fire to the nearer Givens Farms, but is unsuccessful. He brings up a local ghost story and fabricates a witness to imply that the recent fire may've been paranormal activity. Charlene spots this deception, investigates the Givens fire, and concludes that it was started by Chuck. She then warns him, through similarly misleading print tactics, that she knows what happened and that he needs to resign. Have at it.
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Jul 18, 2014 21:24
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Thanks for the feedback. It sounds like I ought to flesh this one out a bit as a personal exercise. I like the idea of two journalists having a private conflict over a public forum (their articles), but I'll try writing straight for the interstitials. As it stands the text is not interesting enough for anyone to bother noticing or caring that there might be a subtext. I think part of the problem is that I read far too much Gene Wolfe, who will write an entire novel as letters to various characters then drop a hint toward the end that they may not have been arranged in chronological order, meanwhile implying strongly that the primary narrator is a filthy liar. Really messes with one's head if they look too close, but it's also good fun. The difference being, he's still an enjoyable read even if you don't take the magnifying glass to him.
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Jul 19, 2014 20:13
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Anonymous Robot posted:Is this description clear? You've poisoned the well a little bit by saying what effect you were trying to achieve before pasting the passage. Even then, I don't quite visualize what you're after. I see: "he wore a red bandana over his head," (Guy wearing biker bandana over his scalp. Red with white patterns, because I never see monochromatic bandanas in real life.) "concealing the entire thing in the fashion of a lynching hood." (My mind slides the bandana downward to cover his face, like an upside-down bandito bandana. But the size of the bandana I originally pictured doesn't change, so now he just looks silly.) You might do a little better mentioning that the entire head was covered before mentioning something which I don't think is able to cover an entire head. Or use a word other than bandana, if it's not specifically important. ("his entire head was covered by a sightless red sack." The active "he wore" to me slightly implies that he deliberately put the thing on himself -- I'm not sure if that's what you're going for.)
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Jul 29, 2014 16:51
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InMyHighCastle posted:I know I have a lot of improvement to go before I start entering the Thunderdome or something. The logic's backward there -- you get that lot of improvement by participating in the Thunderdome. As with everything in life, this can be solved with discipline and practice. Thunderdome provides both of those, with a wonderful set of motivations: * Once you're In, you'll want to maintain the value of your word by not failing to submit a story. * The act of writing with restrictions will force you to hone your craft in a deliberate, directed way. * You'll be able to compare your response to the prompt with others', providing an excellent opportunity to analyze what you liked about theirs as opposed to yours. * You'll receive a shiny new avatar and a fiery passion in your belly to show them what for. You'll show them all. (Feel free to replace "you" with "I" in the above.) But seriously, dive in. It's like getting in a cold pool -- don't just dip your big toe and shiver; cannonball! You'll warm up after a bit and start that precious process of burning calories.
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Jul 30, 2014 23:11
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