|
I'm not going to do a line edit because it'd be a rewrite. I can't identify individual problem areas, it's generally awful. Here is some general advice and criticism. - You don't name your viewpoint character. I'm going to call him Toby. - Bad grammar and sentence flow. "His father left for work earlier than he woke up, leaving him no choice but to walk." Who walks? The father or the unnamed viewpoint character? Because you haven't named your viewpoint character this sentence is unclear. Almost every sentence is inelegant or flows badly in one way or another. - Weakness of prose. Related to every other point on this list, but also applies on a smaller scale. You use a lot of abverbs and useless words. There's nothing wrong with ornate description and sentence structure (I love Jane Eyre), but if words aren't serving any purpose, kill them. "Unfortunately his brain could no longer handle the various sources of information streaming into him, the pain in his ribs and ringing in his ears went away and he fell sideways, the blackness of unconsciousness embracing him." Unfortunately is almost comically worthless. Too loving right it's unfortunate. He just passed out from shock. Let the readers form their own opinions on scenes and quit transparently trying to manipulate their feelings. Personally, since Toby is a fashion dummy with no personality, I don't give a crap whether he lives or dies. - Too much useless description. "The thick faux fur along the neck of the coat took the place of a scarf and his scruffy brown hair stretched over his ears enough to keep them from freezing off." Why do we need to know this? Also, is Toby paying this much attention to his own clothes and hair? Why is Toby a narcissist? Generally when you use a viewpoint character you only want to report the things they see or think about, which is why 'character looking in mirror' is a common conceit in many novels. - Telling rather than showing. Especially with the strange girl. "It was when he passed a strange girl..." "She was, in a word, beautiful. An amazing girl in any place, nevermind New England, but what caught his attention wasn’t just her beauty..." This looks like a Mary Sue. Don't tell us she's strange or beautiful or anything, tell us what she looks like. Cut the crap. The reader can figure out she's beautiful from how she is described. Also, your choice of descriptive language is clichéd to the max. "Striking green eyes, as bright as emeralds", "Golden blonde hair in thick wavy curls". I have heard this description a million and one times. Also, why the hell does Toby talk about her clothes for a paragraph? Is he a fashion designer, or writing articlevertisements for Vogue? Who gives a gently caress what she's wearing? - Your characters don't feel real. Toby is a boring average Joe with no character. Strange girl is a strange beautiful girl. They have no personalities, they're just ciphers for the plot. In the other thread you posted in, you said you'd explored how the characters' powers could be used in many different situations. If you'd got rid of half those situations and replaced them with situations where the characters faced emotional problems and developed, you might have the makings of a decent story.
|
#
¿
Feb 15, 2013 15:18
|
|
|
|
| # ¿ Apr 26, 2024 21:32 |
|
|
A short satire/humor piece I wrote for my own amusement, more or less to try and take my writing less seriously. I'm not looking for a line edit or anything, just feedback on 'is it funny?' and 'is the prose shite?' Capitalist Pig (625 words) Bernard Lang was not a happy hack. He’d spent most of the previous night at the Camden Chronicle’s annual piss-up, and felt like a nail bomb had exploded inside his skull. The lights of the waiting room made his eyes burn, and when he tried to remember how he’d got here, he saw only a vaguely disturbing series of snapshots: staggering into a reception, leaning against the wall of an elevator for support, and finally being plopped on this comfortable armchair by Mr. Porky’s secretary. Ah. Mr. Porky. A very serious man. The sausage king of North London. Bernard was meant to be interviewing him about traces of beef found in his pork sausages. Mr. Porky was such a serious man that he’d changed his name to advertise a sausage. He had the mind of a snake. Not a normal grass-snake, either. The sort of snake that seduces young women into eating exotic fruits. It was impossible to pin anything on Mr. Porky. The man spoke in press releases. The substance in Porky’s platitudes could only be found by a sharp-witted hack. Bernard Lang felt more the latter than the former, especially as he hadn’t read the briefs on Porky. He’d been too busy asking the girl from the culture section whether she wanted a fifth vodka cranberry. “Mr. Porky will see you now.” The secretary’s high-pitched voice felt like a needle inserted into Bernard’s eardrum. He forced himself to stand, wobbled over to the door of the office, and went through. “Welcome,” thundered a voice from the other end of the room, “Do please take a seat.” The blurred outline of an executive desk swam into view. He staggered over to it, discovered a ergonomic office chair, and collapsed into it with a sigh. “Coffee,” declared Mr. Porky. Bernard winced as Porky thrust a polystyrene coffee cup into his hands. “Drink it,” said Porky. Bernard obeyed. He didn’t seem to have any other option. The caffeine hit his brain as soon as he swallowed. The explosion in his skull died away, the sunlight stopped burning his eyes, and the room came into focus. He blinked, looked up, and stared into the face of a boar in a pinstriped suit. “You are feeling better?” asked the boar. Bernard didn’t reply. He gulped at the air and clenched his fists. This wasn’t real. Porky must have spiked his drink. Like any good journalist — and he was a good journalist, on a good day, in a good mood — Bernard had seen his fair share of stressful situations. He did what he always did: closed his eyes, focused on his breathing, and failed to relax. When he opened his eyes, the pig was still in front of him. It looked concerned. It was squinting. He hadn’t known pigs could squint. “The Coffee™ might need reworking,” it muttered, pronouncing the trademark, “the anxiety it causes is more severe than I’d been led to believe.” “M-Mr. Porky?” said Bernard. “Yes?” replied the boar. “You- you’re...” “Ah. I see. Yes, I’m a sus plutokratos. Did they forget to brief you?” Bernard cleared his throat. “Well...” “It doesn’t matter. What were you supposed to be interviewing me about again?” Bernard peered down at the notebook on his lap, opened it, and grimaced. He told Porky. Porky laughed. “There is no beef in Mr. Porky™ sausages. They’re one-hundred-percent pork. I should know. I inspect the abattoir personally.” Bernard stared at Mr. Porky. “But—” “The reports are all libellous. What do you think I am, an animal?” “They’re your own species! How can you—?” Mr Porky grinned, and turned his head. On the wall was a large photograph of Mr. Porky shaking hands with several world leaders. “What an inspiration they were!” Purple Prince fucked around with this message at 00:19 on Jul 31, 2013 |
|
#
¿
Jul 31, 2013 00:16
|
|
|
Anathema Device posted:I giggled a bit at the end, but it was hard to wade through several hundred words of "guy having a hangover" to get to the punchline. You could take out a lot of the hangover descriptions and spend more time explaining why the coffee "needs work" (is it special coffee somehow?) Even better, instead of getting drunk, let Bernard read more about Mr. Porky's business (particularly crimes against pigs.) If you're going to end with Mr. Porky learning a lot from world leaders, take the time to ascribe some details to him which will later apply (by implication) to the world leaders at the end. Sulla-Marius 88 posted:[long and nice criticism] Thanks for the criticisms. I've noted down the key points and I'm going to rewrite the piece since much of the problem is with pacing. As Sulla-Marius 88 advised (and Anathema Device's post implies) I'm also going to broaden the range of the satire and depth of the ironies. It'll probably end up longer because of this. Expect to see the rewrite on these forums within a week. 
|
|
#
¿
Aug 9, 2013 13:47
|
|