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So, uh, I liked this week's Thunderdome prompt but I was too late to join in, which is probably a good thing as despite occasionally desiring to do otherwise i almost never write. But I did something anyway, and I guess this is the thread to post it in? Please tell me what you think and how I can improve, I really do want to work on writing more. Untitled (574 words) “Do you know, it takes just three people to form a society?” Kal paused with the cigarette raised halfway to his lips; they tightened into a hard line as he looked over at Shay. “gently caress, you’re not backing out now are you?” Shay tried to meet his gaze, but found it easier to look into the horizon that was swollen with the red of early morning. “No, I’m not,” she said through a dry mouth. She reached for her bottle and lifted it to her lips before again remembering that it was empty. Shay stared down at the empty container as if it was the mouth of an oracle, one that would just tell her what she needed to do to make everything right again. Her partner shifted his pose on the hood of the wrecked car, leaning further back as he expelled a lungful of smoke. “Then don’t start with the philosophy poo poo,” he growled. “We’ve been over this enough- and after all your bitching you still didn’t have a better idea.” “I know,” Shay said, her eyes still fixed on the mouth of the bottle. “It just makes me sick to think about it.” Kal ground the cigarette butt to a pulp between his teeth and balled his hands into fists. “What the gently caress do you think I feel about it?!” he snapped. “It sure as hell makes me sick, this whole loving mess makes me sick!” He glared off into the distance, past the rooftop garage and the frozen highway and the silent buildings as if someone was there that he could fight, could blame. The two of them both knew no one was coming, though. They’d been in this area for months, at first out of belief that rescue was coming, and then out of understanding that nowhere else was any better. Their stockpile of supplies had seemed so big after those first few days of looting, their resources inexhaustible. More than three people could hope to use up, anyway. Shay watched in silence as Kal’s furious gaze broke. His hands began to shake and the cigarette butt dropped from his fingers; he cursed even as the tears began to form in his eyes. Shay moved closer and held him close; he wrapped his arms around her as if she was a buoy in a stormy sea. For a moment they simply sat there, as the sun’s light split open the red boil on the horizon. Then Kal stopped shaking and put his hands on Shay’s shoulders. He looked at her with dry eyes and said, “God, I don’t want to do this anymore than you, Shay. But I’m not ready to die yet. I’m not ready to see you die yet.” Shay nodded, and put her cracked lips to his; for a moment, the ruins and their unbearable silence were gone. Then a call came from below, and Kal pulled away. Shay couldn’t meet his gaze as he went over to the edge of the roof where they’d rigged a crude rope and pulley system. He heaved the rope and soon up came a young man sweating with the weight of several large containers of water he had slung across his shoulders. He still managed a grin as he saw Shay, and as he turned to put the water down he said brightly, “Beautiful morning, huh?” “Yeah,” said Kal as he took the gun from its holster. “loving beautiful.” --- Blarg Blargety, I know I don't exactly have the qualifications to critique anyone else's work, but I noticed it's been a few days since you posted your thing and nobody's commented on it yet, so I hope you won't mind if I give my thoughts on this: It feels weird that this is in first person and yet you kinda switch to her perspective for a couple lines in paragraph two. I know it's not technically a perspective switch but it still jarred me when I read it. Some lines feel a bit melodramatic and not really in tone with the rest- see "Just another Dreamer, but one given a taste of the dream-sculptors’ art." I dunno, that just didn't work for me. What also didn't work were the italicized thoughts. I've seen them done well before, but it felt like you could have conveyed the info in them in a way that didn't feel so... tell-y? Or worked them more into the narrative. Sorry, again I'm not exactly an experienced writer myself, so please forgive me if my "critique" makes no sense.
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Jun 30, 2013 07:15
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