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InMyHighCastle posted:I'm new here - and to writing fiction, actually. Please be gentle. I'm glad you're putting the pen to paper, and ready to improve your writing! Here's my advice: 1) The prose is verbose and redundant. Look at this: As I exited the station, leaving the more sheepish children behind, I saw it: the cart. A long wooden thing, accompanied by two intimidatingly large black horses who, I thought, looked like they could pull, or drag -- if their size was any indication -- the cart for miles without much effort, even if it was full of children That's 59 words. What's happens in those 59 words? He leaves the station and sees a wooden cart large enough to carry many children, pulled by two imposing horses. Use less words. Remove all the redundant "I thoughts" and "if their size was any indications" because narrators can state things without telling us that they're stating them. Avoid using adverbs when possible. There are several adjectives that mean "intimidatingly large". 2) I don't get a sense of the story's conflict yet. Of course, the kid's getting shipped off to a foster family, but the kid just goes along with it. There's the broken axle, but the narrator has nothing to do with it. He or she just watches men discuss it. Start with conflict. 3) The narrator stops sounding like a child after the first paragraph. Children speak with simple, direct voices, and most of the time, they are quite self-centered. 4) You spend a lot of words describing physical things. This is a problem I have, too. The man's hat is "wide-brimmed, gloomy and dark" Gloomy and dark even mean the same thing. If I had to describe his hat, I would use "wide-brimmed" because it gives a clear image. I can't even picture a gloomy hat, to be honest. Cut down on the adjectives, and don't describe everything, just things that matter. 5) Proofread. There's a "dark shifting dark figure" in paragraph three. PS: You use the word "dark" a lot. This made me think it was nighttime, but then when the guy put on tinted glasses, it made me think it was daytime. Don't overuse adjectives, because they can clash unexpectedly. Best of luck!
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Jul 30, 2014 15:45
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| # ¿ Apr 29, 2024 12:02 |
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