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Read Ficciones by Jorge Luis Borges if you haven't done so already. He often just makes up a book, essay, or article that he references throughout a work. He achieves the tone you are going for in a lot of his short fiction even when he's not using this method. quote:The composition of vast books is a laborious and impoverishing extravagance. To go on for five hundred pages developing an idea whose perfect oral exposition is possible in a few minutes! A better course of procedure is to pretend that these books already exist, and then to offer a resume, a commentary . . . More reasonable, more inept, more indolent, I have preferred to write notes upon imaginary books.
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Apr 1, 2013 13:51
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Think back to the point people made earlier about writing needed to clearly convey ideas. You did better this time by cutting out the majority of the over-the-top descriptions, but you are still lacking so much clarity in your writing. You should only use an imaginative metaphor or simile to express something that regular verbs, nouns, and adjectives just can't get across. When standard subject-->verb-->object can convey exactly what you mean, then you should just use it. You are making some really basic mistakes using regular words, so focus on fixing those before throwing similes in. The previous line-by-line crits have showed some of those, but look at these examples: quote:Jack and John’s relationship was like that of a scorpion or goldfish The relationship between Jack and John is being compared to a scorpion or a goldfish. You cannot compare a relationship between two things to the relationship of one thing to nothing else: "Tom and Mary's relationship was like a scorpion's relationship," makes no sense. Are you trying to say that their relationship is LIKE A SCORPION... or maybe it's LIKE A GOLDFISH? I'm pretty sure that you mean their relationship is like the relationship between a scorpion AND a goldfish, so why didn't you just say "and" instead of "or"? Even if you had phrased this perfectly, it's a very weird thing to say and I don't think Jack and John's relationship seems anything like how a scorpion and a goldfish would act together. Think about the idea or feeling that you actually want to express, THEN think of the way you want to say it. quote:John rushed inside for his binoculars hanging by the door on a coat hook and then to a window Here is an example of failing to use simple verbs, nouns, and prepositions to clearly express a basic action. It doesn't matter that the binoculars are hanging by the door on a coat hook. Trying to shove that information into the sentence kills the meaning of the sentence. It's also very troubling that you couldn't have at least put the commas in here so that the sentence reads properly. I hope there are binoculars in the picture you are writing about, because otherwise you are way too into binoculars.
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Apr 11, 2013 19:41
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One issue I had was that you are playing off us not seeing the ending coming. If you're going to do that you might want to avoid overt caricatures or the absolute worst case scenario accidental shooting. When your protagonist sounds like an archetypal crazy concealed weapons guy and when there is a "woman holding a baby," then we pretty much know what's going to go down. For a surprise ending you have to force a certain expectation and then surprise the reader. You accurately portrayed crazy people who carry guns around everywhere, but when I read the first time through I thought, "Either the guy writing this is really into guns and this is a super lovely story, or the woman with the baby is going to get shot." The woman with the baby pushed my guess toward the direction of her getting shot, because even a from-my-cold-dead-hands gun nut would probably never write himself in as saving a woman with a baby; it would simply sound like too much.
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Apr 12, 2013 03:37
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I feel that you are missing the point of writing. You're trying to start out by painting like Pollock before learning how to draw a circle or a straight line. The basic building block of a story is a plot. Even the shortest of short fiction has a plot. Stop trying to describe people leaning on fence posts a mile away from the over-described harbor. Make poo poo happen. Rewrite your concept so that it takes place over ten minutes or an hour. I don't care about this one out of context moment. I think the concept is just terribly boring, to be honest. A shadowy assassin, a gruff military dude, an invisible cameraman narrator. I am really kind of confounded at your idea of mystery. You don't create mystery by writing so unclear that no one knows what is happening. You make cool stuff happen, but you hint and foreshadow at cooler stuff. You then slowly reveal the underlying nature of the cooler stuff while action and plot keeps happening and we come to care about the characters. This is an edited version of my entry that won Thunderdome's MYSTERY WEEK. I don't think I am an amazing writer, but an earlier draft of this beat out 10-15 other people. Since this is the farm, anyone feel free to crit. REDACTED There is some "telling" over showing in this, but it was a very conscious choice. The characters are not well-developed, but they weren't the point of the story. I really was just trying to develop a mystery within a plot (stuff happening). I'm posting this specifically because you keep mentioning mystery, but I'm not getting "mystery" AT ALL from any version of your piece. I am also posting this because I don't think I did any physical description in this whole story. The whole point of this story was: "Make the reader wonder what is up with the Seven Words and keep reading to find out." I toned down characters and descriptions so that the reader could stay focused on the Seven Words. If I turned this into a short story of 2,000 to 5,000 words, I would turn the characters into real people and add in more physical descriptions. If you're going to have less than 500 words, you need a very strong and clear conflict that starts, rises immediately, hits a climax, and then a denouncement. Make that happen, stop describing poo poo. Make a plot, if you still have room, describe some stuff. angel opportunity fucked around with this message at 13:49 on Aug 16, 2013 |
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Aug 10, 2013 04:08
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7,000 B.C. - First signs of protowriting ~4,000-2,000 B.C. - Hieroglyphs, Chinese ideograms, and Cuneiform emerge ~1,000 A.D. - Chinese printing press 1450 A.D. - Gutenberg printing press 20th century A.D. - Computer-based writing emerges August, 2013 A.D. - Viggynash invents the "fourth-person" perspective, first used in his now famous works of fiction: Leaning on Fences and Walls with His Arms and The Fedora Gargoyle Diaries
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Aug 13, 2013 12:51
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Okay we are kind of being dicks. With that said, a lot of us offered crits to several of his drafts and were actually trying to help him improve. I think I crit every draft of his first story with constructive advice. Responding to people taking time out to help you with: "You just don't understand what I was going for," is really lame. I agree his second thing was an improvement over his first, but it did annoy me that he still stuck wtih a very goofy and non-conventional perspective instead of writing a straight-up story. I don't know if he needs to step away from CC, but he does need to learn to take criticism. If everyone is generally agreeing that something I write is not working, I re-evaluate it after a day or so with fresh eyes and usually I will agree with the criticism that I received. I will go back and fix and improve the errors that I made. If I look again after a day and strongly disagree with the criticism, I may ask the person for elaboration, but I won't just dismiss someone because they "don't get it." If you just get extremely defensive and don't improve, then why even bother? I understand it can be frustrating to post a new thing that you worked on and still get negative feedback, but when you are first trying a new thing, You really shouldn't expect anything beyond: You are improving, but this is still bad. angel opportunity fucked around with this message at 14:04 on Aug 13, 2013 |
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Aug 13, 2013 14:01
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There is a reason every TD judge has been telling you (you specifically) to stick to third or first-person past until you get the hang of it. You have been trying to do cute tenses and POVs since you first came to the TD and it has been tripping you up. The best thing you can do is to just stick with past tense third or first-person so you don't have to think about it. The only tricky thing within that is you may need to go to pluperfect sometimes (I had seen, I had thought) to refer to something that happened further in the past. When you are planning out your story, if at all possible to cut out any elements that would require tense, POV, or tone shifts, try to cut them out and tell a straightforward story.
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Aug 15, 2013 20:19
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Nothing is easier to fix than said-bookisms. It can be a bit tricky to work in the non-attributed dialogue that Martello mentioned, but to get rid of said-bookisms you just need to do an editing pass on your story where you check every instance of dialogue and turn whatever the hell you wrote into "said".
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Aug 23, 2013 13:18
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Cingulate, I saw your thing and thought, "Cool, someone from the Linguistics thread is here," and then I saw your formatting and didn't bother reading it. After my lunch break I will read and critique it (unless real work hits me), but I will probably paste it into word and fix the paragraph breaks in order to save my eyes.
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Aug 23, 2013 17:46
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Cingulate posted:So now that the mood is all cozy ... I don't know how you formatted this, but don't try to manually end lines when writing into an SA thread. When I pasted this into wordpad it formatted perfectly, but it looks like poo poo in the browser window. You have some definite ESL issues, but they aren't that bad. If you want to keep writing in English, you will just have to practice a lot and build up your editing skills, because you'll need to catch the regular kind of issues native speakers have to find while editing in addition to some ESL-only errors. You open with a scene of dance instructors making fun of their bad students. The hook is pretty good and the situation is something most people can relate to, but the prose kind of drags it down. You have started off with a very long "hook" that does not tell us anything about the plot until the end of the fourth paragraph. Your opening line is a bit odd; I see what you are going for with it but it is too meandering from your main point. Opening lines in flash fiction have to be perfect. You succeed in establishing something of a hook, but it takes too long for the point of it to sink in. This is not the optimal solution, but just switching the order to: quote:Tyler’s was the only place in town to see worse dancing than the school gym during prom. Nobody hears as much awful guitar playing as a guitar teacher, nobody meets as many crazy people as a shrink. I would find this actually better (when you edit flash fiction you want to cut as much as you possibly can): quote:Tyler’s was the only place in town to see worse dancing than the school gym during prom. Sometimes, when the last student had left, Ms. Tyler and the night-class instructor would impersonate a beginner displaying a unique, unknown form of talentlessness I like this opening better because we are brought into the scene faster and the humor you are going for hits us quicker this way. The line I cut out about guitar players and crazy people can be cut out entirely or shrunk down and put in later in the paragraph. It serves to make the instructors not seem totally evil and sympathizes the reader to why they are making fun of their students, but it shouldn't be the opening line of the whole piece. The sentence about the newcomer is too long and slightly awkward. I don't really want to see "three-and-a-half-to-four non-rhythm" followed by a relative clause, it's just too much. Put in an example of one of the bad students, but avoid dropping in so much technical description. quote:One new student SHORTER DESCRIPTION OF BEING BAD. DESCRIPTION OF WHAT MS. TYLER WANTED TO DO TO HIM. You don't want a lot of short, choppy sentences, but if you have to have "that awoke in Ms. Tyler an urge to," just to combine the sentences, then it's not worth it. The description of Joseph dancing is fine, that is as much technical explanation as we need and it shows (rather than tells) that the teachers are making fun of the students. I don't like the "..." at the end of the paragraph, make him finish his thought. Third paragraph works as is. In the fourth paragraph we finally have our inciting incident! Up until this point, everything had been a hook and your plot was not moving forward at all. In flash fiction you need the inciting incident as close to the beginning as possible. After the inciting incident happens, everything needs to build up. You don't have room in flash fiction to meander or put in scenes that feel fun. The dancing scene could work if the story were about a conflict with a certain student or conflict related to being dance instructors. It doesn't work in a story about a robbery. You could possibly make it work, but they would somehow have to be talking about the robbery while making fun of the students, which would be hard to pull off. ESL mistake one: You can't "vividly" massage something. ESL mistake two: ”You’re beautiful when you’re confused”, Ms. Tyler said. Which, she added mentally, is mostly. Should be "is most of the time". 'Mostly' implies degree, not frequency. Why are you putting quotes in italics? You should make this whole thing in third-person and focused on Ms. Tyler. This would establish early on that everything is from her viewpoint so that you don't have to say stuff like, "she added mentally". quote:He’s adorable, she thought while explaining to him again what she’d learned last week after the Mambo class, sharing a glass of gin with Komaki Weizbaum. This paragraph doesn't work because it is acting as a very rickety bridge between the thought about Joseph being confused and what the next paragraph is going to describe. It doesn't connect well enough to the former and feels extraneous. The next paragraph should begin with "Komaki Weizbaum was a second generation..." You cannot start a paragraph like this with "she" because it's not clear enough who you are talking about. I realize your previous paragraph ended with her name, but again that paragraph was extraneous and added more problems than it solved. Start the paragraph off with 'Komaki' and make sure it's not redundant or repeating her name too much from the paragraph above. Komaki is a Japanese name, not Korean, so that confused me also. We have a rickety bridge followed by two paragraphs of info dumping/exposition. The paragraph I just critiqued above was your Komaki Weizbaum info dump, then the next paragraph is the info dump about the robbery (which never actually happens!) You want to figure out what information from these two paragraphs of exposition are vital to the plot and try to work them into the action. With a close third-person point of view from Ms. Tyler's perspective, she can reveal some of this exposition through dialogue to Joseph. But ideally you show as much as possible through things Ms. Tyler and Joseph do. You spent so many words on the info dumping and the dancing that you didn't have enough left for the robbery. After the exposition paragraphs we are taken back to Tyler and Joseph talking. "moving in" when talking about a house made me think they literally were going to move in. You should phrase this so that no one thinks of that connotation. I thought this was some zany scheme where they would move in and gain ownership through a legal loophole or something. I never knew this until I got "burglarized," by the way, but if you break into someone's house and steal stuff, it's "burglary" not "robbing". The police officer corrected me every time I said "robbed" or "robber," so it seems like a big distinction to law enforcement. ESL Error: as if he was lacking the imagination of himself as a rich guy. "imagination" is a person's SENSE of imagination, not a specific thing that they imagine. You can "imagine" something specific. As if he couldn't imagine himself as a rich guy. The last paragraph has some subject-verb agreement issues, but the biggest problem is that nothing has happened in this story. I know you said it's a "snippet," but you shouldn't write a snippet, you should write a stand-alone piece or you should write a longer thing and then post a snippet. It's very important to practice writing a compelling story; prose, voice, imagery, and all that stuff will fall in line, but if you don't have a plot you have nothing. Biggest mistake you made: You put your inciting incident almost near the middle of your story, and then nothing happened. I would actually recommend that you go to the Thunderdome and try to write flash fiction. Practice making compelling narratives and plots. I like the humor and voice that you put into this, but this couldn't have been good without an actual plot. angel opportunity fucked around with this message at 20:23 on Aug 23, 2013 |
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Aug 23, 2013 20:13
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Cingulate posted:Systran, I'm really sorry I didn't make this more clear before. This wasn't supposed to be Flash Fiction, but a Snippet. I just wanted to know if I should keep on writing what I want to turn into a short story of a few thousand words, or if I should stop trying to write in English. Yeah if you want to put in the beginning of the short story or post a snippet that has a more clear arc it should be fine.
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Aug 24, 2013 17:27
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I may read and crit this later, but for future reference everyone: please make sure that the formatting of what you post looks godd in an SA window. If you c/p it from wordpad or something it's going to look like a mess. Either give us a google docs link or format it before you submit. I don't know if this bothers anyone else but it just kills me trying to read stuff with no white space.
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Sep 5, 2013 13:23
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Here is some stuff I recommend two things that are generally considered good but not weighed down with literary depth (and these are all GENRE, which are usually looked down on to an extent): Orson Scott Card - Ender's Game (HIGHLY CONTROVERSIAL because the author is a piece of poo poo. Honestly though the book is a very fun read. This is relatively short too, and it's "young adult" so it's a fast read. Joe Abercrombie - Look him up and find his trilogy or go to the SA thread I loving hate this author and all of his work, but 95% of people seem to love this dude. His books read like a videogame to me, which is one reason I hated them, but I think it will be a good transition for you. His books are very battle heavy, and the characterization is over the top, but it appeals to a lot of people. John Scalzi - Old Man's War. This guy wins a lot of awards, and people are mad about that, but Old Man's War has a lot of action while still making some decent statements about war and how pointless it is. Short story and Novellas are a good alternative to longer novels. You can read them for fun without feeling bogged down by hundreds of pages. Anything by Ted Chiang, but particularly Stories of your Life and Others and the novella The Lifecycle of Software Objects Chiang is a lot more "literary," but I find all of his short stories absolutely amazing. In over ten years, his whole body of work is so small that you can read it all in a day. He only writes when he has an amazing idea that he finds worthy of writing.
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Nov 26, 2013 18:55
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Well, to stem the derail, I specifically said that Ender's Game is worth reading despite whatever controversy there may be surrounding him.
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Dec 2, 2013 17:15
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Work on your basic English stuff, like capitalizing the pronoun 'I'. I didn't think I was going to like the story but it ended up being fairly funny. You shift tenses a few times, for example: "Ok, This is it." (and again, why is 'This' capitalized?) The biggest issue with the story is that the "First Date" story turns into him remembering something that happened in shop class, and it ends during that memory. I'm guessing the story isn't over? Try to finish it next time you write, and wrap up the date. Make sure this dude that threw the thing at him causes conflict etc. Overall I enjoyed it though.
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Dec 28, 2013 23:06
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If you post something in SA, DO NOT manually break the lines. You have to just keep typing and let it wrap on its own. Better yet, put it in a google doc.
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Jan 11, 2014 08:22
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EDIT: Wrong thread, sorry!
angel opportunity fucked around with this message at 01:34 on Feb 14, 2014 |
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Feb 14, 2014 01:27
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Elfdude, I am critting it but I might fall asleep and not finish: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Ejy7C2alDZg6MjPJW6tDfzWvIvQp25pYb0Un0ZPX3P0/edit?usp=sharing
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Feb 26, 2014 04:35
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This isn't the kind of thing I usually read, but it seemed pretty good to me. Even though it's just two people sitting there talking, I still felt like reading it to the end. The little details like the pink notes and imagining the calm bomber being a crazy bomber worked for me. I didn't get too much characterization out of the cop guy though.
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Feb 27, 2014 13:42
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As far as my crit of Fire Girl: I was critting on how it read as is. I think it had some deep structural problems, and my advice to "cut the extra character and cut the 'police report'" was made in the context of "If you cut these out, you have room to flesh out other stuff," but you still have to choose wisely what you will flesh out instead. It feels a bit like you can't decide if you want the story to focus on Phoebe or on the parents, and it suffers for that. I think it would be better to have it completely from Phoebe's perspective, and you could even show her reactions to "I have two fathers, oh my!" since she is from a different, older generation than them. That's a kind of cool premise you have, but all we see from Phoebe's eight lifetimes is that she does well in school. Show us snippets throughout her life, show us cool details. Is she only able to process all her old memories when she hits like three or four years old, or can she--unlike other one-day old infants--see and process and understand everything? If it's the latter, you could show her confusion in these two men who live together and act like a man and woman are taking care of her, then show how it changes her feelings toward these kinds of relationships, and show how it improves her as a person while simultaneously giving us an idea of what great parents these guys are and how much they love her. Sorry if my crits were confusing, but the "cut this," and "cut this" or "this reads boring" type advice is just trying to help you show you a prose-level idea of what is working and what is not; the line-by-lines are not really a suggestion to just cut or change what I mark in a line-by-line, and then your story is good. It should give you an idea of what themes or ideas you did well, then by cutting certain things you gain more room to add other ideas. In this story I think you have a nice idea, but you need to fix the focus and immediacy of it for it to have emotional weight. Do everything you can to show the relationship between these three people rather than all the mundane details of the fire, the factoids about how well she does in school, etc.
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Mar 6, 2014 05:12
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I don't feel like reading this whole thing, thinking a bunch about it, and formulating a crit so I'm just going to type reactions as I read.Helsing posted:So I was hoping I could get some more feedback on my latest thunderdome entry. I should preface this by noting that every single time I've entered thunderdome I've struggled to varying degrees with the word length. For whatever reason I'm just not that good at coming up with stories that fit into 1,000 - 1,500 words. Time and again I end up producing stories that are clearly supposed to be longer, which leads to arbitrary cuts. This story is definitely no exception. I'd like to think it has some potential but it very clearly would need to be expanded.
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Jul 30, 2014 13:44
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I stopped reading herequote:An odd
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Sep 11, 2014 14:31
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Is this what twitter is all about?
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Sep 17, 2014 02:57
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https://twitter.com/webtwopointoh Here is my twitter. It features vines of my dog doing cute stuff...microfiction if you will. Please help me to improve my craft by leaving crits.
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Sep 18, 2014 00:28
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You repeat 'Dan' so many times even though he is the main character. You should use 'he' for Dan in most cases, and 'Jim' for the few times that 'he' won't refer to Dan. Your prose is pretty rough, and the flourishes you put in don't really mesh and feel fairly forced (like the Inuit statue or the coffee stirring stick). These aren't actually BAD, it's just that they don't flow with the rest of the prose and end up too noticeable for my taste. They also aren't good enough on their own merits to justify the wordcount they take up in such a short piece. The Inuit statue one is almost there, the Horton's one isn't. "Like that of a prowling cat" might be okay as an image, but the extraneous words "like that of a" are bad and can serve here as a concrete example of "your prose is pretty rough." Cut out the first three paragraphs, these are all "tell," before your "show." Don't tell us about Dan in some kind of prologue; it's boring to read. Just show the situation (which could be interesting) and show us how this experience changes him from not "being a dad person" to having a new feeling toward being a dad, or whatever it is you want the point of this to be. The prologue forced you to add more awkwardness to your prose e.g. quote:Dan’s brown hair now had plumes of grey, his previously defined face now soft and faded as if... Each instance of "now" jolts the reader around and confuses them since we don't know where in time we are. I don't know when this is taking place until Jim’s crying brought Dan back to the present. anchors me into the actual moment, but this is a very weak effect and you've started out what should be a tense situation with plodding tell and vague setting. The section of him trying to create enough initial momentum for Jim to be able to pull him forward worked okay enough. I was able to imagine that and just read through it without getting confused or feeling anything was sticking out too hard. You probably want to keep your style more simple and focus on telling a linear narrative with few flourishes. Once you are comfortable with that you can try experimenting more. quote:Adrenaline and desperation hasshould be HAVE allowed many people to surmount terrifying obstacles. This is really bad because it reads like a trite and cliche statement (it is), but the biggest problem is how this sentence drains any semblance of immediacy from the story. You want to put us in Dan's head, not be a floating camera explaining what you see. General statements tenuously connected to implied action make the narrative barely focused on what is happening when it should be living inside Dan's brain and feeding us all of his thoughts and senses. The concept you have is okay and it's cool to see something like this as opposed to a badass assassin or some goony story that is trying to be funny and isn't, but keep practicing ~YOUR CRAFT~ and you'll likely improve pretty quickly. Other general unorganized advice: -Scan your writing a few times over for repeated phrases or words. I've pointed out the "now" repetition, but there is some repetition of "struggling" I just noticed as well. These are often things that either stick out as bad repetition, or people will subconsciously notice it and think of it as bad flow/prose/rhythm etc. -When you DO decide to do some imagery and get fancy, if at all possible it's usually better to aim for "Jim's groans became soft purrs" (this isn't good either but you get what I mean) as opposed to "His groaning sounds were soft, like that of a purring cat." You want to eliminate as many of those function words as possible and just cut to the imagery. Whenever possible it's also good to try for IS or ARE when doing imagery: Jim was a cat on the prowl. This creates a stronger mental image just by using "to be," a very invisible verb, and then cutting straight into the imagery. angel opportunity fucked around with this message at 20:12 on Sep 24, 2014 |
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Sep 24, 2014 20:07
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It's so wordy and weird, and it's obvious you are ESL with some of the really awkward phrasing. "To participate in evil" used in two consecutive sentences; that phrasing is bad enough it should never be used even a single time. It isn't really a hook at all. It needs to be way shorter and succinct, maybe five sentences max. Here is an example of how you could condense it: quote:Its the winter of 320, in another world and time. Condense to: When Phonithia, a veteran of the SOMETHING SOMETHING, is called out of retirement to fight the (CHOOSE A GOOD ADJECTIVE) Anthropos, quote:The problem though is that in doing so, she opened herself to watching it all get blown away. She quickly realized that in killing others she had advertently participated in evil, because those dead enemy soldiers were not without parents, friends, or lovers. She had participated in evil, since she had broken the link between those people, she had hurt the caring of others, the same caring she had taken up herself. But she wondered, how was good and evil injected into this world, and more importantly, who cares of it. Everybody dies after all, but not everybody cares. Condense to: , she and her old friends must leave the City States (you could put something really short in here about leaving the complications of civilian life after having killed people with families etc., but make it like part of one sentence) to fight one last time. Then add in like one sentence that starts with "but," and put in the actual conflict that arises from the INCITING INCIDENT, which is the protagonist being called back to fight this thing. You can't make the conflict the thing that was happening while she was wallowing in the city, because that part is ending already and the actual conflict of the story is beginning once she is called to fight this thing. The way you've written your synopsis is making it like the main thrust of the conflict is this gryphon drinking and loving in the city while wallowing around about having killed people and not knowing if she should connect with people. From what I can gather this is not actually the story, it's the background, and you don't want to load your synopsis that should be a hook with boring background poo poo that won't even be part of the main plot. I'm guessing you will do flashbacks and poo poo, but that doesn't invalidate what I'm saying.
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Nov 10, 2014 14:41
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Yeah this is like "new writer's trap: the paragraph" herequote:Ned began to write. Simply at first, short chapters which would speak to the friends and family whom would read it after his passing. Then, as his time grew shorter, the chapters grew longer and spoke more truth. Triumphant were the words, inspirational was the imagery, and motivating was the advice. When his will was read, and the books delivered, his family, moved to tears, deigned to live by the words he had written. HOLY loving poo poo BTW whom is used wrong here, since it's the subject of the relative clause!
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May 6, 2015 13:38
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Also, do not use an apostrophe on a plural unless it's possessive.
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May 11, 2015 12:53
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not true, in zeir and it's love, i made 'it's' the preferred possessive pronoun for Spire-Kiv
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May 12, 2015 03:03
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| # ¿ Apr 29, 2024 13:41 |
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Constance was my favorite character
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Aug 23, 2015 05:05
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