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sephiRoth IRA
Jun 13, 2007

"Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan
Mangled in the gears of expectation
ground up despite your protestations

Drowned in the sea of doubt
faced with naught but inexorable rout

publish or perish, you were in peril
thoughts of yours were lifeless and sterile

you lacked true ethic
your efforts pathetic

your failure a lesson
that stresses won't lessen

so we lash to our oars
amid the master's roars

and while your fate sends shivers down my spine
all I can think is "gently caress you, got mine"

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sephiRoth IRA
Jun 13, 2007

"Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan
Surreptitious, I touched on this in the Thunderdome thread, but I'm having real problems understanding contemporary poetry. I want to become a better poet, because I enjoy it as an outlet, but I feel that I won't be able to grow and improve until I can consume other people's poetry. I mention Versed in the TD thread, but I have the same problem with other poets as well. Do I need to take a class or something?

sephiRoth IRA
Jun 13, 2007

"Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

Sheepysaysmoo posted:

pre:
Refrigerator Love Story

A refrigerator is an end of a love story
    shared lives shared shelves
    they say
    we shop at a store at the top of our street
    to keep our shared shelves stocked

    A Marxist-Leninist walks into an analogy
where the train is late and everything is scarce.
The night is dark and sitting on a cold bench
the Marxist-Leninist struggles to stay awake.

To fall in love is to trip into a hole.

While doing some shopping we discover
Our favorite cashier has quit the job
    "Will we ever see you again" I ask
    "No" says the cashier.

   A Marxist-Leninist falls asleep on a train
and misses their stop. Then Our favorite cashier
gets on the same train and sits next to the
sleeping Marxist-Leninist.
Up until this point I really liked the flow of the poem. Reading it aloud it flowed off the tongue until this stanza.
 I think it is because the stanza is too dense, or the use of "Then our..."

The store at the top of our street
    is now understaffed. Their new hours
    are as short as winter sunshine.   
    We wake up after dark.
    Our end of a love story has empty shelves.

Our favorite cashier and a Marxist-Leninist
    leave the country and become adventure capitalists
    Their trail is a locusts'.

We keep digging holes in our back,
    then our front, yard. But to trip
    into a hole is not to fall in love.

   Two adventure capitalists are wolves
and the world is their caribou. The buy
a banana plantation in the Caribbean.

We went to the store at the top of our street
    and bought a bunch of bananas. Putting them
    on our shelves we found a note attached:
    "I told you you'd never see me again."
Great ending

This was fun, with a touch of melancholy. I particularly liked "A Marxist-Leninist walks into an analogy". Besides the stanza I mentioned, the whole poem was very evocative. The digging holes metaphor for a couple clutching to broken relationship that is fizzling out was very powerful. :)

Another of mine, because poetry is fun and I love criticism. The thunderdome this week was fun, but I don't think I did it justice.

Bottle Up

A bitter heart inside of me beats
Furtive anger released in spurts of arterial blood, red and hot
Spittle bathing my wrathful words
but it's just impotence as I spasm
bobbing and jerking before the silent crowd
emptiness echoing back my cacophony of raging tides
an exercise in futility
and hopelessness

sephiRoth IRA fucked around with this message at 23:36 on Jan 14, 2013

sephiRoth IRA
Jun 13, 2007

"Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

Testikles posted:

The problem is that you're just so good at it! We all really want you to critique our poem because you're very knowledgeable and thorough, or at least can put your criticism into a graspable form.

What also might be the issue is that while everybody can very easily dip into poetry, it's a lot harder to come up with what sounds like a competent review. Maybe we could come up with a particular format or a certain style to help people form a stronger opinion.

This is pretty much how I feel. I'll attempt critiques, but I feel like I'm not really a good judge of what constitutes competent poetry, and it ends up being a blind leading the blind situation.

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