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  • Locked thread
Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW


HiddenGecko posted:

Double Post.

Martello. Could you pretty please judge a Thunderbrawl between me and Iroel. I need someone with the terrifying hard tack you're made up of.

I will do it, but I can't promise reliability. I'm using my phone from a shithole WWII barracks in Fort Polk, Louisiana and I won't always have time or data access. But if you're cool with that I'll still do it.

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HiddenGecko
Apr 15, 2007

You think I'm really going
to read this shit?


Ahh poo poo I completely forgot you were off doing military stuff, my bad. I'll see if Fanky Malloons is up to dealing with this slapfight.

Fanky Malloons
Aug 21, 2010

Is your social worker inside that horse?


HiddenGecko posted:

Ahh poo poo I completely forgot you were off doing military stuff, my bad. I'll see if Fanky Malloons is up to dealing with this slapfight.

Motherfucker, I saw your PM before I saw this - I can't believe I was your sloppy second choice, you bastard.


ALSO

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

Bitches, I'm on a roll this week. Here's a thing:

I will Thunderbrawl all poetic challengers. If you want to fight me, step up.

Crit the poem I so generously posted in your new thread, and MAYBE I'll take you up on that

HiddenGecko
Apr 15, 2007

You think I'm really going
to read this shit?


Fanky Malloons posted:

Motherfucker, I saw your PM before I saw this - I can't believe I was your sloppy second choice, you bastard.


Hate the game not the player.

Etherwind
Apr 22, 2008
Probation
Can't post for 1937 days!


Soiled Meat

Symptomless Coma posted:

And I would like to see proper epic poetry. A real narrative. Long, epic simile. Iambic pentameter.

By the way, I'm curious: in the event you'd actually stated your intentions like a real man, would you have accepted Dactylic Hexameter adapted to qualitative meter? It's the closest equivalent to Homeric verse. Iambic pentameter is loose by comparison.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


Etherwind posted:

By the way, I'm curious: in the event you'd actually stated your intentions like a real man, would you have accepted Dactylic Hexameter adapted to qualitative meter? It's the closest equivalent to Homeric verse. Iambic pentameter is loose by comparison.
If you can actually pull this off I'd be really impressed but you know DH uses a different isochrony from English that makes it really loving difficult to write English poetry in, right?

Like not just "aha give a dude sestina it'll be funny" hard: "Walt Whitman is the only guy I've ever seen pull it off convincingly and even he looked to be having a rough time of it" hard.

Etherwind
Apr 22, 2008
Probation
Can't post for 1937 days!


Soiled Meat

I'm believe I'm familiar with it. English is stress-timed, while I think Ancient Greek was mora timed? I was really just going to stick to conventional stress timing (by which I mean no major loving around with stylistic quirks) and use the following ghetto approximation:
pre:
The first four feet can either be dactyls or spondees.
The fifth foot is frequently a dactyl.
The sixth foot is always a spondee.

If the second foot is a dactyl, the two short syllables must be part of the same word-unit.

If the fourth foot is a dactyl, the two short syllables must also be part of the same word-unit.

Commas may appear after the:
	First syllable in the third foot ("masculine" caesura);
	Second syllable in the third foot if the third foot is a dactyl ("feminine" caesura);
	First syllable of the second foot
	First syllable of the fourth foot (common with preceding);
Like, I'm no Walt Whitman, and have no illusions that would necessarily have been good, but it was an interesting idea to me.

Fanky Malloons
Aug 21, 2010

Is your social worker inside that horse?


HiddenGecko posted:

Hate the game not the player.

TOO LATE.

THUNDERBRAWL: Iorel vs HiddenGecko



This is Cape Breton Highlands National Park. It's pretty much one of my favourite places on Earth. I want you to capture its majesty in 750 words or less. Your submission must be prose, and must have some sort of narrative/story arc. The use of Canadian stereotypes or cliches will cause you to lose instantly.

You have 24 hours as of RIGHT NOW.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


It's not really a Mora system, it's more to do with syllable weight. The best way I've seen the concept transferred into English is that through and dog both have 1 syllable but through is heavy and dog is light. A single dactyl is composed of three syllables that run heavy -> light -> light.

I think.

Etherwind
Apr 22, 2008
Probation
Can't post for 1937 days!


Soiled Meat

Yeah, that matches what I know. The idea was to go stressed -> soft -> soft for dactyls and soft -> soft for spondees. The opening line I was kicking around was:

"Sing do I to my muse, low my voice dipped 'gainst her pale darkness"

You're probably right in that it's way too ambitious to work on in such a short deadline. Like, in the inconceivable situation that I find out I've lost my Thunderbrawl on the 12th, I would only have a day to do three hundred words of that. In a parallel universe where Symptomless Coma kicked my rear end, I'd have to go with iambic pentameter to stand a chance.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


Etherwind posted:

Yeah, that matches what I know. The idea was to go stressed -> soft -> soft for dactyls and soft -> soft for spondees. The opening line I was kicking around was:

"Sing do I to my muse, low my voice dipped 'gainst her pale darkness"

You're probably right in that it's way too ambitious to work on in such a short deadline. Like, in the inconceivable situation that I find out I've lost my Thunderbrawl on the 12th, I would only have a day to do three hundred words of that. In a parallel universe where Symptomless Coma kicked my rear end, I'd have to go with iambic pentameter to stand a chance.
Oh no, go for it. If it fails then noone'll be surprised but if you succeed, you'll have won a place in my heart at least.

budgieinspector
Mar 24, 2006

According to my research,
these would appear to be
Budgerigars.



SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

I will Thunderbrawl all poetic challengers. If you want to fight me, step up.


'Sup, Muffin?

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

I'll judge the muffin/budgie inspector verse brawl. Prepare for stabbing, and tendrils. Do not gently caress up.

Prompt: loss, redemption, milkshakes.

Words: max 350

Due: Sat 2400 NZ time (look it up).

More generally: We're getting a bunch of brawls up in here, which is awesome, but could be confusing. If anyone wants to be Master of Brawls and keep a list updated itt, then loving DO IT.

sebmojo fucked around with this message at Jan 11, 2013 around 03:17

toanoradian
May 30, 2011

The happiest waffligator


In what format do you want the list?

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


This'll probably do for now.



Benagain vs. Noah
Judge: Hidden Gecko

Round 1 - concluded
Round 2 - in progress
Round 3 - pending

Victor: ???

Iroel vs. Hidden Gecko
Judge: Fanky Malloons

Round 1 - concluded

Victor: Hidden Gecko

Etherwind vs. Symptomless Coma
Judge: Sebmojo

Round 1 - concluded

Victor: Symptomless Coma

Surreptitious Muffin vs. Budgie Inspector
Judge: Sebmojo

Round 1 - concluded
Round 2 - in progress
Round 3 - pending

Victor: ???

Bad Seafood vs. Toanoradian
Judge: "Guess"

Round 1 - concluded

Victor: Bad Seafood

EDIT: Toanoradian stands as one of God's Own Prototypes.

Bad Seafood fucked around with this message at Jan 13, 2013 around 23:09

toanoradian
May 30, 2011

The happiest waffligator


What competing list? We have always been using Bad Seafood's list.

pre:
The Question										Answer
Who's the guy with amazing lists?							Bad Seafood

Who adorns his amazing lists with crazy-good picture edits?				Bad Seafood

Who deserves Nobel Price, Millenium Awards and a Pulitzer for his lists?		Bad Seafood

Who could list the unlistable?								Bad Seafood

Who should be in the Archivist Hall of Fame?						Bad Seafood

What song is this parodying?								Shaft

It doesn't really scan though?								Yes

toanoradian fucked around with this message at Jan 12, 2013 around 23:10

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


toanoradian posted:

Well, poo poo, beaten.
Eh, yours is better than mine anyway. More thorough with links and codes and everything.

Martello, whenever you've got a moment not defending our freedoms, link Toanoradian's post in the second OP under its own heading. I think we can all agree a good Thunderbrawl's neither past nor present, but always.

STONE OF MADNESS
Dec 28, 2012

PVTREFACTIO


Sorry to have held up the judging, I had a job interview (which incidentally couldn't have gone better)

Crits.

Symptomless Coma posted:

The Remainder. (579w)

At risk of tendering a copout, I thought this was great. You slam-tackled the prompt, and from beginning to end, remained on target. The Minister socks it straight to us about the impossibility of doing the same for anyone else; at least, we might very well think that.

There are a few proofreading issues, obvious ones though and you don't need them spelled out by me.

The way Richard's written in is problematic. On my first reading, I didn't actually connect

quote:

I have an email - just like Richard to make contact at four, after a year.
with

quote:

It's 2008 and I'm being introduced to Richard Phillips who will run the campaign
and to be honest I'm not even sure they have to be the same person. The idea of a hidden gay relationship would be enough on its own - though it's cool that you made it the campaign manager.

The main problem for me is the flashback device. It's jarring. It interrupts the rhythm of the to-the-minute, well, minutes, and I had to read around it a couple times to understand that you weren't jumping forward to 8:08 pm. It'd be simple enough to have the Minister cast his mind back to 2008 in relation to one of the minutes and this would have saved it. The dialogue in that scene is great though.

Also, I found the Minister's flippant remarks in the first few paragraphs a little overdone. One of the three just doesn't sit well on top of the other two, I think it's the one about the glycemic index.

quote:

It's 0202 and I'm debating the difference between sorrow and dismay using Winston's old thesaurus. It's in surprisingly good state. I think he hardly used it.
I close the book and type, sadness.
Gold.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

quote:

Etherwind posted:

Conversions

Again, the prompt is overcome with sneaky tricks; well and good.

The interchange at the core of this story works pretty well, it keeps things flowing and resolves neatly at the end, creating plenty of opportunity to flesh out interesting characters. I think you may have tried to cram a little too much in there, though, as some of the elements you chose didn't really have much room to breathe. The narrator is might be a student, an aspiring comedian, an , a recent convert to a religion of some kind (WHAT DAMMIT?); s/he is also queer, in some way, for his/her partner in a somewhat ambiguous mentoring relationship, about whom we know equally little.
As it stands, the emo thing seems pretty gratuitous and you'd be better off without it. (In every circumstance.)

You have some good dialogue going on, but it's marred in parts by clunky sentences, format errors and blocky action. You're rightly conservative with linking words, but at the same time, sometimes they are needed!

quote:

I was on my feet, my drink bounced off the trash with a feeble throw.
This just blows toad cloacae

quote:

"How about I tell it gay, so you see what I mean?" He nodded, sat back.
'n

quote:

He just shook his head. "Won't work with a straight guy," I repeated.
Here you've got action attributed to one party coupled with another's dialogue. Not always illegitimate, the second example is passable but it will only lead to sadness and confusion in the end.

Finally, it's 'callus'. 'Callous' describes behaviour or thoughts and you know what it means.

I didn't like this story because I hate comedians, bars and mentorship , but you did tell it well, it just needs some judicious pruning and a good polish.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

THUNDERBRAWL JUDGMENT

Etherwind vs Symptomless Coma

Stone of Madness has done a nice job of critting these two so I'll keep it brief.

For me it was a straightforward result; one contestant nailed the prompt, wrote clear witty prose about an elegantly indeterminate crisis that their protagonist had to resolve and made me care about how they did it. The other told an involved but unconvincing tale with characters I didn't give a poo poo about.

Symptomless Coma wins by KO.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

Bad Seafood posted:

Eh, yours is better than mine anyway. More thorough with links and codes and everything.

Martello, whenever you've got a moment not defending our freedoms, link Toanoradian's post in the second OP under its own heading. I think we can all agree a good Thunderbrawl's neither past nor present, but always.

I actually like bad seafood's formatting better. Plus, awesome .gif.

This being the dome, you may fight it out.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


THUNDERBRAWL ME (ROUND 1)

Loss, redemption and milkshakes in 350 words or less.




No use crying

“the single worst year of my life,
I slaved under Genghis Khan or some
distant relative in a coalmine
outside Ulaanbaatar. In summer
we burnt and in winter we froze,”

he said, finishing his drink. The straw
played typhoon melodies in the foam;
all grey-brown bruises and spilt milk.

“something in me got froze so bad -
the sun melted it before I even saw
her hot smile; something so small
I never even knew what it was. 400
days and 400 nights I walked the desert
trying to fill a hole that wasn't there.”

Perhaps years passed before his granite
hands made a mountain of matters. He
held them up- spread them wide, low

then ordered another milkshake and made
a tempest of the drinking. I could see the
colour rising, the bruises fade. The sky
outside was quiet and dour
though inside I touched the heart of a storm.

toanoradian
May 30, 2011

The happiest waffligator


sebmojo posted:

I actually like bad seafood's formatting better. Plus, awesome .gif.

This being the dome, you may fight it out.

The James Bond picture is a .gif? Whoa.

That said, I can't brawl this week. Not in a week of verse.

Symptomless Coma
Mar 30, 2007
for shock value

sebmojo, STONE OF MADNESS, thanks for officiating and mopping up the ink/blood/other fluids.

Etherwind posted:

inconceivable

I think the universe wants you to write your Dactylic Hexameter, and has shaped events accordingly...

Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

The man was stunningly well dressed. He had a smart looking jacket, and a really neat looking cape, the lining of which was shimmering and sparkling in more than Oriental splendour, which is a great deal of splendour indeed, just ask Kipling.

Not in because I'm stuck on base and reliant on Maccas for occasional free WiFi and my room on base doesn't even have a chair what the hell is up with that and no it's not my fault I didn't touch it but seriously there is no real way to use a laptop in a room with no furniture and while I'm complaining about my room there are holes in my mattress, what's that all about?

Also my name's in the OP woo I don't really know what that means but that's cool. And I haven't read most of this thread because, and not to look free WiFi in the mouth, but this internet is just terrible and hasn't finished loading page two I don't think.

Anyway hopefully will be back in here for realsies for writing some bad awesome fiction once I have my own place and internet that doesn't require me to sign an agreement saying that I'm not gonna use it for porn or files or whatever that thing said OK cool peace out y'all.

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


toanoradian posted:

Not in a week of verse.
Doesn't have to be poetry just because this week is. Thunderbrawl operates on its own terms.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

Bad Seafood posted:

Doesn't have to be poetry just because this week is. Thunderbrawl operates on its own terms.

Make the challenge, seafood.

sebmojo fucked around with this message at Jan 11, 2013 around 10:14

toanoradian
May 30, 2011

The happiest waffligator


I mean I want to focus on this week. Last poem I did was a lukewarm piece of fermented shark and I want to write a better one. Also because free verse is hard. how do you poets do this mine is poo poo supreme special

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


Then we'll keep it short.



One round. One hundred words. Prose, your prompt, due in 24 hours.

And Sebmojo will judge because apparently he does that now.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

Bad Seafood posted:

Then we'll keep it short.



One round. One hundred words. Prose, your prompt.

And Sebmojo will judge because apparently he does that now.

Noted. Deadline 2400 est, Jan 11, 18 hours from now.

toanoradian
May 30, 2011

The happiest waffligator


Fine, I'll do it, just so Bad Seafood can write more (and maybe become better?) and sebmojo's judging fetish is fulfilled, whatever.

My prompt is: "rotten food".

Have a nice time.

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


So tsun-tsun Toan.

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW


Chairchucker posted:

Not in because I'm stuck on base and reliant on Maccas for occasional free WiFi and my room on base doesn't even have a chair what the hell is up with that and no it's not my fault I didn't touch it but seriously there is no real way to use a laptop in a room with no furniture and while I'm complaining about my room there are holes in my mattress, what's that all about?

Also my name's in the OP woo I don't really know what that means but that's cool. And I haven't read most of this thread because, and not to look free WiFi in the mouth, but this internet is just terrible and hasn't finished loading page two I don't think.

Anyway hopefully will be back in here for realsies for writing some bad awesome fiction once I have my own place and internet that doesn't require me to sign an agreement saying that I'm not gonna use it for porn or files or whatever that thing said OK cool peace out y'all.

On base? Where and what service or are you talking about something else?

supermikhail
Nov 17, 2012


"It's video games, Scully."
Video games?"
"He enlists the help of strangers to make his perfect video game. When he gets bored of an idea, he murders them and moves on to the next, learning nothing in the process."
"Hmm... interesting."


Oooh hooey. I might even make the minimum amount by the deadline, although I've almost finished the meat of the story. Fluff it up with raw emotion or a brain-watering nonsequitur?

Etherwind
Apr 22, 2008
Probation
Can't post for 1937 days!


Soiled Meat

Symptomless Coma posted:

I think the universe wants you to write your Dactylic Hexameter, and has shaped events accordingly...

It's the only explanation.

Real talk, last night I had a chat with SurreptitiousMuffin, and Dactylic Hexameter is totally not going to happen. I did about five lines of it as a trial run (the prerequisite invocation of the Muse) and the end result plain didn't work, especially since it took forever not to work and I have a whole bunch of stuff to do for tomorrow night.

Just so you don't feel cheated, here's what I ended up with:

Sing do I to my muse, low my voice dipped 'gainst her pale darkness
In offering, soft penitent pleas, susurrus as her sweet breath.
Calling her down only now, when my need is greater than my pride
Tarnishes all loving words said to her during my youth's days
When I more freely wrote, wooing her with syllables half breathed.
Come down here that, gentle and kind, you might see me worthy to save.


So I'm going to go with your original request for Iambic Pentameter; if you don't like it, Thunderbrawl me.

STONE OF MADNESS posted:

Finally, it's 'callus'. 'Callous' describes behaviour or thoughts and you know what it means.

Ugh, auto-correct. Can't believe I didn't catch that. Thanks for the feedback!

Symptomless Coma
Mar 30, 2007
for shock value

I love it. As I love your (now sadly defunct) haiku.

But you don't need to go with any more than my layman's definition of epic metre. Give it the content, not the form: invoke the muses! List the ships! Unleash the charybdis! &c.

Etherwind
Apr 22, 2008
Probation
Can't post for 1937 days!


Soiled Meat

While you're here, a quick question. You specifically requested really long similes like Homer did, and given an unlimited word count I'd be fine with that, but I'm having to keep it below 1000 words. Will you accept stuff more compressed like:

Now Cleon fair removed his helm and laughed,
Stentorian as booming voice that once
Against the edge of all the earth was raised.


Does that work for you? I figure since you beat me fair and square, I should try and make something to satisfy you.

Your Sledgehammer
May 10, 2010

Don`t fall asleep, you gotta write for THUNDERDOME

It ain't a Thunderdome without a stranger from the Outside experiencing a trial by fire.
I am that stranger and I accept your challenge. Bloody me, bruise me. I got plenty of fight in me.

FLASH RULE for the person after me: Your poem must be satirical.

Symptomless Coma
Mar 30, 2007
for shock value

Etherwind posted:

While you're here, a quick question. You specifically requested really long similes like Homer did, and given an unlimited word count I'd be fine with that, but I'm having to keep it below 1000 words. Will you accept stuff more compressed like:

Now Cleon fair removed his helm and laughed,
Stentorian as booming voice that once
Against the edge of all the earth was raised.


Does that work for you? I figure since you beat me fair and square, I should try and make something to satisfy you.

It absolutely does, sir. Specifically, I want you feeling you have the freedom to use the long simile that many people here will disqualify themselves from. Don't kill your work over it, but one thing I want you specifically trying is a big narrative simile. Take this great Homeric tribute act from Philip Pullman in Northern Lights:

No one spoke for several seconds. Then came the voice of the Chaplain.
"Ah," he said, like a thirsty man who, having just drunk deeply, puts down the glass to let out the breath he has held while drinking. "And the streams of Dust..."


Doesn't that just let you know exactly what he means? I want at least one of those.

Ta.

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


Your Sledgehammer posted:

It ain't a Thunderdome without a stranger from the Outside experiencing a trial by fire.
I am that stranger and I accept your challenge. Bloody me, bruise me. I got plenty of fight in me.

Bad Seafood posted:

To you joining after, I want to see something from the perspective of a dying man.
Make me proud son.

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budgieinspector
Mar 24, 2006

According to my research,
these would appear to be
Budgerigars.



MUFFINBRAWL (ROUND 1)

Loss, redemption and milkshakes in 350 words or less.



Regarding the Second Girl in the Second Verse of "Five Years" (332 words)


The cathode phantom in the expensive
suit choked out an explanation
about how a geyser in Siberia was
perched atop a newly-discovered
subterranean supervolcano soon
due to erupt with the force of Krakatoa10
and how the extinction of a
type of phytoplankton led to the
extinction of a type of krill and the
long and the short of it was that
Life on Earth had just enough time
to earn a Bachelor's degree and apply
for an entry-level position somewhere
respectable, before sputtering its last.

She switched off the telly, wincing
at the cold bloom of pain from her ribs
and the hollow where hope used to live.
Alone in this flat with the horrible
wallpaper; alone with the bruises she
could easily conceal; alone inside herself
for the first time in two months--she drew a bath.

She was ready with the iron heft of the pan
when he came through the door, bellowing for
his tea. He hit the tobacco-shag carpet, his
tattooed arm weaving a drunken "en garde"
before dozing across the barrel of his belly.
She stripped him of oil-stained trousers and
poo poo-stained Y-fronts, dragged the battered
Philips set over, and Super-Glued his tackle
to the teak veneer while the flickering
face of a weeping vicar looked on.

The girl in the mirror wore a crisp primrose
blouse, chestnut hair dancing at her shoulders,
face painted peach and lifelike. And when the man
on the carpet stirred, she lit the curtains on fire
and left him to choose his life or his balls.
Down in the market square, desolated flocks of
dowdy sparrows waddled in their housecoats and
rain bonnets, but she felt like a parade.
An end to pain! An end to disappointment!
An end to crying in silence while your child
dies inside you! Hooray oblivion!

She chose a seat in the malt-shop window,
oblivious to the haunted looks outside, she was
safe behind a particolored row of milkshakes,
smiling and waving and looking so fine.

budgieinspector fucked around with this message at Jan 12, 2013 around 02:37

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