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Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

dis thred

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJxrX42WcjQ#t=89s


You assholes are the wind beneath my wings

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crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

SH is posting the new thread and Kaoshai is posting second part with results/archive days correct?

The only thing i think TD is missing is a mandatory toxx to enter the week after you sign up but fail to submit. Real men (and manly women) already voluntarily do it. Excuses and multiweek failures are becoming too commonplace.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

crabrock posted:

SH is posting the new thread and Kaoshai is posting second part with results/archive days correct?

The only thing i think TD is missing is a mandatory toxx to enter the week after you sign up but fail to submit. Real men (and manly women) already voluntarily do it. Excuses and multiweek failures are becoming too commonplace.

The current blood empress of tdome posting the new thread makes sense.

I agree about the for multiple failed subs; it seems an elegant way around the problem, since if you're really worried about the ban you can always write your story before submitting.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

I am actually waiting on the OK from the current patriarch of this thread, but assuming Marty's fine with me posting it, I have the outline for the new thread OP in a google doc. I'm totally cool with including the rule. I'll probably run my handiwork by the good folks on IRC in a couple days.

Obliterati
Nov 13, 2012

Ask me about being the most Magnificent Bastard in EU4 Multiplayer.

As a recent offender, I'll bite. What's ?

Roguelike
Jul 29, 2006

THUNDERDOME LOSER

Obliterati posted:

As a recent offender, I'll bite. What's ?

Here, enjoy the most confusing explanation possible.

You're banned if you don't submit a story.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

Foutre, we gonna get a judgment? You don't have to have all the crits yet, just tell us w/l/hm/dm (if any).

Fumblemouse
Mar 21, 2013


STANDARD
DEVIANT


Grimey Drawer

sebmojo posted:

If anyone else has things they do or don't want to see in Thunderdome now is the time.

Are we going to update the judge picking rules now the Boss Three have sublimed? If we codify it, should it be last week's winner, one previous winner, and one guest at the former's discretion...or something else?

Jeza
Feb 13, 2011

The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.


Fumblemouse posted:

Are we going to update the judge picking rules now the Boss Three have sublimed? If we codify it, should it be last week's winner, one previous winner, and one guest at the former's discretion...or something else?

Weeks over weeks of trial and error has generally refined it to:

Winner + 2 of any of the following, maybe in this preferential order: HMs from that week, the winner from week before, HMs from week before, multiple winners, literally anybody who volunteers.



Merry Christmas.

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


I think the previous week's winner plus two judges chosen at their discretion is the best system.

I'd sooner see a limit on the number of brawls allowed concurrently.

Jeza
Feb 13, 2011

The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.


Bad Seafood posted:

I think the previous week's winner plus two judges chosen at their discretion is the best system.

I'd sooner see a limit on the number of brawls allowed concurrently.

Yeah, I meant those preferential things as, like, a guide for judges to be picking peeps, so they aren't just picking with no rhyme or reason. Easy for us who have been round the block, but for new winners it might be helpful.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

If there are only two judges by the time sign ups close maybe the previous week's winner should be obligated to step up.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

Has a judge ever just NOT judged?

foutre, you need to spit some names at us. We're quickly getting to the point where there will be no time for this week.

God Over Djinn
Jan 17, 2005

onwards and upwards


IMO Mercedes should just do it

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


Okay that's it. Crabrock and I are staging a coup. Whoever Foutre nominates is welcome to join the provisional military government if and when they ever get named.

Thunderdome Week LXXIII: My God It's Full of Starfish

This week we want a steady diet of stone age science fiction on a budget of 500 words. You know, cave man times. Flintstone-style. Don't actually reference the Flintstones or we'll think less of you as a person. Or the Jetsons. Or any Hanna-Barbera cartoon really. No cartoons.

crabrock posted:

prompt is give cavemen something they wouldn't normally have (Flintstones) or have them discovering something and write it like a scifi novel.

put scifi tropes in caveman times.
You have until Friday, December 27th at 11:59 PM PST to announce your participation and until Sunday, December 29th at that same time to drop out because your water heater broke or some similar inane reason.

Go.

EDIT: As an additional stipulation, your stories should also be good.

Chieftains
Bad Seafood
Crabrock
Kaishai

Tributaries
The Leper Colon V
Roguelike
Tyrannosaurus
No Longer Flaky
Sitting Here
Inthesto
Sebmojo
Purple Prince
SurreptitiousMuffin
Obliterati
Fumblemouse
JuniperCake

Sacrifices
Bitchtits McGee

Bad Seafood fucked around with this message at Dec 30, 2013 around 18:40

PMush Perfect
Sep 30, 2009

----------------------
|PMush used Shitpost! |
|It's super effective!|
----------------------


I dropped two weeks in a row. I cannot, in good conscience, abstain.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

It's ok, Seadoof has already put you in the "dropped out" list.

prompt is give cavemen something they wouldn't normally have (Flintstones) or have them discovering something and write it like a scifi novel.

put scifi tropes in caveman times.

crabrock fucked around with this message at Dec 25, 2013 around 23:07

Roguelike
Jul 29, 2006

THUNDERDOME LOSER

I don't understand the prompt and I also don't know how to write a good story. But I guess two wrongs make an in.

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


Merry Christmas, you horrible excuses for writers and human beings :]

Since the the judge has disappeared, I'll post my winner and honorable mention.

Honorable mention goes to sebmojo. The story was really fun and I had a great time reading it.


Winner is crabrock!! His tale was tall as hell with great imagery.

Unless our absent judge comes by again to judge himself, there's no loser tonight. Let that be your Christmas gift from me to you.

Mercedes fucked around with this message at Dec 25, 2013 around 23:16

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

Thank you, Mercedes.

I'm in.

No Longer Flaky
Nov 16, 2013

by Lowtax


I'm in for the this one

PMush Perfect
Sep 30, 2009

----------------------
|PMush used Shitpost! |
|It's super effective!|
----------------------


Roguelike posted:

I don't understand the prompt and I also don't know how to write a good story. But I guess two wrongs make an in.
I'd empty quote this if I could.

Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.

Kaishai posted:

DreamingofRoses vs. crabrock Seasonal Thunderbrawl: Mermen at Work

Deadline: Wednesday, December 25, 11:59pm US Eastern. Merman ornaments after Christmas are just tacky.

Reminding DreamingofRoses and crabrock that they owe us some mermen within an hour and twenty minutes. Merry Christmas, thread!

foutre
Sep 4, 2011

RIP ZEEZ


Mercedes posted:

Merry Christmas, you horrible excuses for writers and human beings :]

Since the the judge has disappeared, I'll post my winner and honorable mention.

Honorable mention goes to sebmojo. The story was really fun and I had a great time reading it.


Winner is crabrock!! His tale was tall as hell with great imagery.

Unless our absent judge comes by again to judge himself, there's no loser tonight. Let that be your Christmas gift from me to you.

Thank you, I'm in the irl jungle and internet is incredibly spotty. Apologies for letting down the Thunderdome, thanks for stepping up Mercedes. In retrospect, probably should have recused myself. For what it's worth, I was actually going to choose crabrock as well so it works out perfectly.

I'll regain my honor next year I guess.

DreamingofRoses
Jun 27, 2013


Kaishai posted:

Reminding DreamingofRoses and crabrock that they owe us some mermen within an hour and twenty minutes. Merry Christmas, thread!

You know what's amazing? Trying to open the document with your story in it only to find an earlier half-written version and then going on a 2-hour hunt to see if you can find the other version which is time you could have spent rewriting it.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

Kaishai posted:

DreamingofRoses vs. crabrock Seasonal Thunderbrawl: Mermen at Work

Maximum word count: 1,000 words
Deadline: Wednesday, December 25, 11:59pm US Eastern. Merman ornaments after Christmas are just tacky.

Shark Week
996 words


Deep beneath the waves, under the artificial sonar bubble that masked their kingdom from the landwalkers, awash in the glow of the 10,000 anglerwatt spotlights that slowly oscillated through the dark waters, swam three mermen on their way home, fresh off their shifts.

Donovan, a MerCowboy and amateur model, tipped the brim of his hat to Toby, the MerContractor and also an amateur model. Were it not for the water they lived in, both would be glistening with sweat from a hard day’s work. They were joined by Derick, who had just dropped off his last package for his day job as a MerMailman and was headed to his evening gig as an amateur model.

“‘Nother satisfyin’ day of contributing positively to society,” said Toby. He had a piece of seaweed stuck in the corner of his mouth, and it bobbed up and down as he spoke.

Toby nodded. “I can’t wait until I get my paycheck tomorrow, so I can see how much I’ve contributed in taxes.”

Derick scoffed. “Now that my modeling is taking off, I’m up to 65% bracket.” The others looked down in shame.

The three friends made plans for the weekend while the other MerWorkers swam below them toward their homes or photoshoots.

Donovan saw a large blob swimming against the flow. He held his finger up to his lips and pointed toward the corpulent mass who had veered off.

“What a waste of water,” said Derick. Barry was the sole surviving heir to the family fortune.

“A truly vile creature,” said Toby. The other two agreed.

“I know we’re supposed to value the contributions of all, but what has Barry ever done?” asked Donovan.

Derick shrugged. “This is the first time I’ve ever seen him away from his mansion. I deliver a lot of packages there. He is never even dressed. It’s like he doesn’t believe in accessorizing.”

Toby leaned in closer and whispered. “I heard he never even tried to be a model.” The others gasped. “Somebody should do something.”

“Like who?” asked Derick. “Officer Ripped? He’s busy tracking down the octopus who snuck into the clambake last week. Plus it’s not a crime to be a greedy crab.”

“It’s too bad we couldn’t do something,” said Donovan.

The three friends watched the merfatty wander aimlessly. Donovon’s eyes lit up. “Wait, why don’t we?”

“What do you mean?” asked Derick.

Donovan spoke rapidly. “We all know that the point of life is to help others. What if there was some way we could make Barry give up his inheritance? His wealth could feed hundreds of merorphans.”

Toby sighed. “The shark attacks have been frequent this year.”

“But how? He will never listen to us,” said Derick. “He never even says thanks for his packages. He’s always so aloof.”

Barry floated onto his side then struggled to right himself: over-correcting and tipping to the other side.

“I dare say that merman is intoxicated,” said Donovan. “Perhaps he will listen to reason.” He cupped his hands to his mouth and called: “Hey Barry! Over here!”

Barry jumped and looked around him. When he noticed the friends, he flipped his tail at them and swam away.

“What a jerk,” said Derick. “I’m afraid if we’re going to do something, it’s not going to be through talk.”

“It’s too bad a shark couldn’t attack him,” muttered Toby.

“What did you say?” asked Donovan.

“Just thinking how many merpeople it’d help if he were to disappear. I know it’s wrong to think that.”

“Is it though? Not helping somebody in need is the greatest mer-sin of all.”

“So is it a greater sin to hurt Barry, or to let him live?” asked Derick.

Barry’s silhouette grew tinier on the edge of the lights. A bristlemouth fish swam by, and Donovan reached out and grabbed it. The fish started to thrash, but he covered its eyes with his hand and put it under a calming spell.

“I have a plan,” said Donovan. “We swim Barry out beyond the lights, chum up the water, and get the hell out of there. Nobody will ever find him.”

“We’re seriously considering this then?” asked Toby. His hands shook as he talked.

“It’s the perfect opportunity,” said Derick. “This is the first time I’ve ever seen him out of his mansion. We owe it to the kingdom to free up that money and help those children.”

Donovan nodded.

Toby “But it is murder. The second greatest crime.”

“Listen, Toby. This was your idea in the first place. We only have a few more minutes to decide if we’re gonna do this.”

Toby nodded his head, but he wouldn’t look his friends in the eyes. Donovan tucked the fish under his arm, and swam full-speed to catch up with Barry.

They led the disoriented merman out away from the spotlights and into the cold waters of the open sea. Barry only struggled for a little before he started laughing at nothing.

In the faint light, it was hard to see what was happening. Donovan unsheathed his knife and held it above the fish.

“Do it,” said Derick.

“No wait!” Somebody grabbed Donovan’s wrist. He wrestled with the assailant, noticing that the corpulent Barry was much stronger than he looked.

In a flurry of scales and blood, Donovan plunged the knife into his attacker’s gut and twisted it. Almost instantly, the friends made out the bustle of sharks swimming toward the chum.

“It’s done, let’s get out of here!” shouted Donovan, and he scurried back toward the light.

#

A small fishing boat danced on the waves in the mid-Atlantic. The two men on board struggled to pull the heavy net. When they finally got it on board, half of a large fish fell out of the net.

“What the gently caress is that?” asked one of the men. The other shrugged, and poked at it with a stick.

“I don’t know, but it seems to be wearing a toolbelt.”

crabrock fucked around with this message at Dec 26, 2013 around 05:14

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

DreamingofRoses posted:

You know what's amazing? Trying to open the document with your story in it only to find an earlier half-written version and then going on a 2-hour hunt to see if you can find the other version which is time you could have spent rewriting it.



wait a minute. wasn't posting an excuse the whole reason we got into this mess? I guess I shall repeat myself:

PMush Perfect
Sep 30, 2009

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|PMush used Shitpost! |
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And Dreaming of Roses loses by default!

Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.

The Leper Colon V posted:

And Dreaming of Roses loses by default!

That's for me to decide, stranger. There's always the remote possibility I'll show mercy in the spirit of this holiday season.

Or the probability that I just want to see more mermen stories.

DreamingofRoses
Jun 27, 2013


Late and an auto-loss, but I'll be damned if I didn't finish it.

Mamas Don't Let Your Spawn Grow Up To Be Fish-Herders (1,046 words)

The silver flashing of double-finned fish that were twice the length and height of any merman caught the eye of Triton, the fish-herder, entrancing him briefly. He let his mind wander as he took a bite of fish jerky, chewing on it thoughtlessly before shaking his head to clear it. He whistled a couple of long notes, the signal for the herder-dolphins to return to the school from wherever they had swam off to during the rest-period, frowning when they didn’t return.

”Hey, Gup,” Aric, an older merman with graying hair braided up with shells and seaweed swam up to Triton’s side. ”Quit shallow-basking and help me get this school moving while we got some light in the shallows.”

”I ain’t a guppy no more Aric, so quit calling me that. I weren’t shallow-basking. I been whistling to the dolphins for fifteen minutes now, and they ain’t budging.”

”Leave ‘em. You may not have seen but there’ve been some wild dolphins following us ever since the last reef. They’ll keep up with us and hopefully do us the benefit of keeping the crazy wild ones away. You got your spear?”

”Yessir,” Triton patted his belt where the short length of wood and sharpened flint rested. His spear wasn’t as long as some others, but it was easier to throw and hit things with in a closer distance.

”Good, move out,” Aric took his position at the back of the school with his own longer spear out, leaving Triton with the actual work.

He didn’t like the ‘shortcut’ Aric had taken over the trench in order to get . It was dangerous down there, and who knew what the hell was staring at them from the blackness. He was sure they looked like a tasty meal, a huge buffet just all bunched together. Not to mention this was probably one of the most barren stretches of water Aric could have found, so anything that was really hungry, well there was really only one choice, wasn’t there? Those dolphins that were following them proved that.

”’We’ll find a current and be back with the tribe in no time,’” Triton imitated what the more experienced merman had said before they left the last campsite, earning a look that was equal parts amused and annoyed. He shook his head and began circling the school, clicking at the skittish fish to get them swimming forward.

”We will, it’ll just be a few more leagues to the south. I been here more times’n I can count. Don’t go gettin’ your tail in a twist, green-gill.”

”Really? And that trench down there never caused you no concern?”

”Nope, ain’t nothing down there that wants to mess with us,” Aric called cheerfully. ”But those wild dolphins are a piece of work if you ain’t careful, so pay attention to what you’re doing.”

The tense trip away from the wild dolphin pod and towards the ‘current’ in the south proved fairly calm, with only one dolphin making it through to the school. It got a lucky bite in on one of the huge fish, causing a large cloud of red to bloom around the fish and send the rest of the school scattering. Arick smacked the dolphin on the tail as it began to eat, chittering. It turned to lunge at the merman through the water only to be stopped by Triton’s spear appearing in its side. Triton barely managed to grab his spear back as the dolphin fled, leaving another trail of blood in the fairly-clear water.

”Nice throw, Gup,” Aric retied his spear to his own pack. ”Now let’s get the school together and get out of here before the sharks show up.”

---

As the light from the shallows grew redder and began to fade, an unspoken agreement rose between the two fish-herders. The mermen began whistling and clicking, sending the dolphins into well-trained movement, gathering the school within a large imaginary sphere. Triton started swimming the perimeter, placing clear seaweed balls full of bio-luminescent algae at predetermined points, patting the more restless fish on the sides and doing a quick gill-and-fin check at the same time.

The school settled and the dolphins took up their standard guard-positions at the edges. Though they weren’t as riled as they had been earlier in the day, there was still something off about their behavior. A little less playful than usual and a little more stressed. Triton rubbed the head of one of the dolphins and frowned as it flinched before chirping happily at him. Something was wrong. It was itching at his back.

”I’ll take first watch, Gup. Maybe if you get some sleep you’ll lose that stick in your drat spawner,” the merman began chewing on a jerked piece of fish meat and began swimming the perimeter of the school, glancing out into the surrounding water as

Triton was shaken awake in a couple of terse movements from Aric. He grumbled as his hand grabbed for the pack still resting on his stomach. ”Already, huh? Stick’s still there, ‘Ric. Maybe if you let me sleep some more--”

”We need to move, Gup. Now. Somethin’s down there,” Aric whistled into the dark for the dolphins and began pushing the school forward, leaving the packs and algae-balloons behind. Only then did Triton really hear the shrill clicking of a dolphin’s distress call and see the frenzy the school had gotten itself into.

A nasty shot of energy tore down Triton’s back, waking him the rest of the way up as he inadvertently looked down into the depths, not seeing anything at first in the darkness. He took a spare glowing algae-balloon and weighed it down with some

A beak the size of Aric materialized out of the darkness as the balloon fell slowly down. The rest of the squid showed up in whatever patches of light the balloon could provide.

Triton stared, muscles locked in place until he felt something wrap around the base of his tail. His screams reached Aric a moment too late as he disappeared into the dark.

The dolphins fled and the school scattered as tentacles of murky blackness rose and engulfed the place where the two mermen had been, leaving the scent of blood and tattered shark-skin shirts behind.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

Aw heck gotta do the last thunder dome of the year

inthesto
May 12, 2010

There is a point where we needed to stop, and we have clearly passed it.

BUT LET'S KEEP GOING AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS!


My misguided, amateur studies in anthropology finally pay off.

In.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

In.

Brawls are traditionally a little looser in timing, but in this as all the judge is paramount.

Purple Prince
Aug 20, 2011


In.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


Ug ug motherfucker. I found a place on the beach with free wifi and I'm gonna crush some skulls for the last 'Dome of 2013.

Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.

Thunderbrawl Results for DreamingofRoses vs. crabrock: Mermen at Work

THE PROMPT: Write a story in which mermen perform their jobs.

THE WINNER: crabrock, but barely.

You two took the prompt in different directions, though you still both ended up with dead mermen in the end. It's like glittery mer-dudes inspire visions of blood in the water for some people.

Neither of you wrote what I'd call a solid story. crabrock's comedy was significantly marred by an ill-fitting economic angle, and DreamingofRoses dawdled through a fishy cattle drive before rushing through the end with such haste that I barely noticed when the main characters died, much less cared. crabrock flirted aggressively with prompt failure. DreamingofRoses submitted late(r) and went over the word limit. Did you cover yourselves with glory? No, but you gave me the gift of dazzling mermen this holiday season, and that's what counts. Individual crits follow.


crabrock, "Shark Week"

You managed to both glory in and clip all the corners of the prompt, which is impressive in its way. You brought the actual glittery mermen into play and made them characters. I loved that--it's by far the best element of your piece, it's hilarious to me, and it made it impossible for me to dislike the story unless you made a complete dog's dinner of the prose. You didn't; the prose doesn't particularly sparkle, but it serves.

However, you didn't show these would-be mer-durers (sorry) going about their professions. Nor were they hired to kill Barry, so your interpretation of 'job' is stretched. You didn't adjust their regular jobs much to suit undersea life. Your decision to use the actual figurines handicapped you there.

Another aspect I'm not crazy about is the random economic talk. Tax brackets? 'Value the contributions of all'? 'Another satisfying day of contributing positively to society'? It's dull in contrast to the bit where the mermen are shocked and appalled that Barry doesn't even try to be a model, which is a lot more funny. The fashion-model element and the blue-collar economics element didn't fuse for me at all. I'd suggest you cut out the latter if you were going to work further with this story, although I suspect you won't, because it's a story about glittery merman Christmas ornaments.

The dark ending is a daring route to take, but did Donovan really just murder a friend with almost no provocation? Really? He wants Barry dead that badly? Not buying it. You don't have as much room to be absurd with tragedy as with comedy. (If Donovan stabbing Toby was supposed to be funny, that's a definite miss.) I like the last scene--and I need that last scene to make sense of what happened and who died--but why didn't the sharks eat Toby's tail?

(Also: 'Toby “But it is murder. The second greatest crime.”' Rrrrgh.)

It's the humor that gives this piece its shine. Everything else is crooked. I still enjoyed it most, but you came close to a loss here. As is, you're winning more because of what DreamingofRoses did wrong than because of what you did right.


DreamingofRoses, "Mamas Don't Let Your Spawn Grow Up To Be Fish-Herders"

Your first line is ghastly! The phrasing is labored, and you'd likely do better to make Triton (terrible, cliche name; this had me expecting bad things) the subject of the opening sentence rather than dedicating it to fish flashers. I didn't like Triton's whistling for the dolphins, either, although I'll grant that's a weird nit to pick given that mermen talking underwater doesn't bother me. I pictured a guy pursing his lips and blowing a lot of useless bubbles. Should I have imagined something more like a whale's song? A touch of description here would have helped.

So unlike crabrock, you made a bad first impression. Also unlike crabrock, you did exactly what the prompt asked, no more, no less: you wrote a mer-cowboy whose work was much flavored by the underwater setting. The plot revolved around him performing his job. Details like Triton's spear, Aric's seaweed-braided hair, bioluminescent algae, etc. were good: your ocean life felt more genuine. Although you rode the line between colorful and heavy-handed with your mer-slang and your prose was clumsy in places, there was a point--right before the scene break--when I thought you could take this fight. What you didn't have in laughs you made up for in atmosphere.

Your pacing and your ending killed you. Even going over the word count, you left yourself no room for Triton's and Aric's deaths. The squid's barely seen at all before your characters are shark bait. Triton doesn't struggle. If you hadn't mentioned shredded shirts, plural, I wouldn't know Aric had died. After the conclusion I felt cheated of real horror, real meaning, real anything. Triton and Aric seemed nice enough from the little I saw of them, but I didn't get attached to either one; their deaths had no emotional weight; if you couldn't make me care about them as people, you needed to make me fear that squid for the story to be worth telling.

I mentioned clumsy prose. 'It turned to lunge at the merman through the water only to be stopped by Triton’s spear appearing in its side.' That has to be the dullest way you could have described Triton stabbing a dolphin. It's not active at all. Something more like 'It turned to lunge at the merman, but blood gouted from its body as Triton's spear punched through its side' would have had more verve: 'punched' is a lot more visceral than 'appeared.' If the spear just magically teleports into the dolphin, you lose all the energy of a fight.

'Maybe if you get some sleep you’ll lose that stick in your drat spawner,” the merman began chewing on a jerked piece of fish meat and began swimming the perimeter of the school, glancing out into the surrounding water as' -- First off, the comma after 'spawner' should be a period, with the following 'the' capitalized. Second, there must be more than a word or two missing from this sentence. I have the sense that I'm missing an entire brief-but-important scene.

'The tense trip away from the wild dolphin pod and towards the ‘current’ in the south proved fairly calm' -- Is it calm or is it tense? They're mutually exclusive. 'Uneventful' may be a better second adjective.

You spelled Aric's name 'Arick' at one point; 'fairly-clear' doesn't need a hyphen. I'm not calling out all the tiny grammar errors. They're generally minor.

Take your time if you decide to work further with this one. Waiting until Christmas to finish didn't do either of you any favors, but by the look of things, it hurt you most.

DreamingofRoses
Jun 27, 2013


Kaishai posted:

Feedback.

Thank you!

Congratulations, crabrock.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

DreamingofRoses posted:

Thank you!

Congratulations, crabrock.

I'll be expecting you to challenge me to a rematch after a little while. Maybe after some more 'doming.

PMush Perfect
Sep 30, 2009

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|PMush used Shitpost! |
|It's super effective!|
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Well, there goes any chance I had of taking this Dome seriously.

It's cool that I got a speaking role in Strip 3, Panel 2, though.

Bad Seafood posted:

As an additional stipulation, your stories should also be good
You don't know us very well, then!

PMush Perfect fucked around with this message at Dec 27, 2013 around 13:29

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No Longer Flaky
Nov 16, 2013

by Lowtax


Fumblemouse posted:

I despise you both equally, according to the system internationale de despise, so I will judge.

prompt: 600 words on an underdog against an impossibly superior foe. Give me the feels.

Deadline: Friday 27th midnight EST

Fighting the Tide 613 Words

Today’s the day. Today’s the day. You can do it. Yesterday you didn’t make it but today you can do it. You gotta be better for her. You can change. You can do better. Fuckin idiot. How’s it going today?

Good, you.

It’s going well.

Just starting?

Yeah, I’ll be here till six, this all you need?

Yep.

Your total is six fifty. Cash or credit?

Credit.

Ok go ahead and swipe.

Need the receipt? Ok, have a great night.

All right lets go get some stuff taken care of. Donuts need to be spoiled and trays need to be washed.

All I want for Christmas is youuuuuu.

gently caress. Her smile, her laugh. Christmas was always her favorite. Drinking with her family and neighbors before going to her grandmas house. Helping set up cookies and toys for the children. Happy conversations as more guests arrived. Why the gently caress did I break up with her. Why the gently caress did I treat her the way I was. I was such a piece of poo poo. I am such a loving rear end in a top hat. She’s so perfect and I loving ruined everything. I was so selfish. But I was depressed, why couldn’t she see that. I wasn’t myself. Why didn’t she understand. Why didn’t she help me.

If only she gave me another chance. If only she would let me show her how I’ve changed. That I’ve changed for her. That I’m not the piece of poo poo I used to be. She’d let me back in, we’d go to the museum like we used to. Laugh at geriatric farters, get lost on the trails through the woods. I’ll go places with her more. I won’t take her for granted, she just needs to give me a chance.
How’s it going tonight? One of those days huh?

Yep, gonna drink these then go the gently caress to sleep. Can I get a pack of Marlboro lights?

Sure thing boss, anything else?

Yeah do the rest from this 20 on pump 12.

You got it, have a good one.

Oh, I will.

gently caress, that beer looked good. Maybe I could get some wine. Yeah, get some wine and then go home and watch a movie. I mean tomorrow it’s not like I can drink anyways, I’m working a double. So I can stop tomorrow. It makes more sense that way. Why do I even need to stop, I mean I don’t drink that often anyways. I just do it when I’m bored. Not like I come into work wasted or anything.

And it’s bullshit that they made me sign that piece of paper. I’m not a loving alcoholic, I only signed that poo poo because I was drunk. I wouldn’t have agreed to that if I was sober. I usually don’t even get that drunk, that was just a special case. I had a little too much to drink and everyone freaks out. I’m not an alcoholic, god drat it.

Hmmm. . . Steel Reserve. 8.1%, that should be good to start. Ehh. . . there’s shutter home for 4.99 a bottle. Might as well go for that. Don’t need a whole bottle anyways, but then there’s some for when I wake up. Or tomorrow who knows. I need to buy it now, Debi doesn’t check the cameras anyways. Plus if I wait until she gets here in the morning to buy it from her then I have to wait a whole hour after I get off and that’s just pointless. Stupid bible-belt making it illegal to sell alcohol before 7 am. I’ll buy it, take it to my car and then get back to work. All right, sounds like a good plan.

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