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  • Locked thread
0 rows returned
Apr 9, 2007


Oxxidation posted:

Just a Blur (0 rows returned)

Oh man what a totally badass secret agent, he kicks down doors and shoots the bad guys and doesnít even care. This read like a video game cutscene put to prose, which means it fails as a story right out of the gate, but on top of that your pacing was muddled and the dialogue was quite bad. There was no need for all those comma splices. What did periods ever do to you?

Bad Seafood posted:

0 Rows Returned - Just a Blur

Have you ever just turned on the television and caught a single scene from some B movie action shlock right before they cut to commercials. That's how this whole thing reads.

Thanks for the critiques. They're spot on.

I'll be honest, I tried to be vague and ended up idiotic. I'm sure it was because I padded it out and tossed in too much unnecessary and/or redundant poo poo because I'm not a skilled enough writer to convey the images in my head (which were probably too big anyway) in any amount of words without being boring, or transition between them. So I got stuck under a pile of Things Happen! good enough. because everything was stitched together.

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Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

Speedy judgement and fast dirty crits? I'm almost starting to enjoy the feeling of stockholm syndrome I get for this thread. Good prompt, good crits, would abase myself before these judges again etc etc etc.

Now gimme dat prompt.

Seriously though, this was a story I really liked writing and I'll probably go back and add to what I've written here. But then I noticed that I have a growing backlog of short stories from the Thunderdome, and the bigger it gets, the harder it is to go back and add to/edit the ones I think are salvageable.

We need to have some sort of Thunderdome mandatory re-write week for lazy bastards like me.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

Sitting Here posted:

Speedy judgement and fast dirty crits? I'm almost starting to enjoy the feeling of stockholm syndrome I get for this thread. Good prompt, good crits, would abase myself before these judges again etc etc etc.

Now gimme dat prompt.

Seriously though, this was a story I really liked writing and I'll probably go back and add to what I've written here. But then I noticed that I have a growing backlog of short stories from the Thunderdome, and the bigger it gets, the harder it is to go back and add to/edit the ones I think are salvageable.

We need to have some sort of Thunderdome mandatory re-write week for lazy bastards like me.

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart

I need the prompt!

Noah
May 31, 2011

Come at me baby bitch


Sitting Here posted:



We need to have some sort of Thunderdome mandatory re-write week for lazy bastards like me.

That would actually be really cool, combined with a forced submission to a journal.

If anyone's up for a brawl, I'm itching to do some more work this week.

Some Strange Flea
Apr 9, 2010

AAA


Pillbug

THUNDER DOME XXXII: Playing Angry Birds on a Derailing Train

New kid's hanging around with the bullies so they won't pick on him, and he's demanding stories based on old-timey bullshit Nero-ism "fiddling while Rome burns". Stories about or around someone's failure to react as expected to a devastating event. And it can't just be super-cool guy-who-isn't-fazed-by-anything bullshit. If your interpretation of the prompt is "something explodes and the main character doesn't look at it" then Action Movie Horseshit Dome is thataway.

Apart from that, you're all free to interpret the prompt as you will. Go for it.

The cap is 1000 words, maximum.

The Saddest Rhino, sebmojo, and I will be your judges for the week. We will survey your torment from above and do nothing. if you're lucky you won't be

You have until 7:59am GMT March 16th to announce your entry. Same time on the 18th to get your stuff turned in. This would be the same time as last week, except some people have had Daylight Savings switches and some haven't. Daylight Savings has not yet started in the UK (i.e. where I am), and will not between now and either deadline, so I mean GMT proper, not Bull poo poo Time (GMT+1).

Fuckin. GO.

sebmojo posted:

Flash Rule

Your story must have a beautiful moment.

HERE ARE THE NAMES
Bad Seafood - The Rock of the Selfish Child
systran - Danny's Last Stand
Jeza - Speak or Hold Your Peace
Dr. Klocktopussy - Rosie's Bench for the Lonely
Echo Cian - Turncoat
Sitting Here - Bury Me with Emeralds
Noah - Second Place
Steriletom - Doubt
Nubile Hillock - heartache/lockjaw
pug wearing a hat - Death of the Author
Erogenous Beef - Coup
HaitianDivorce - The Skies Watched Back
Canadian Surf Club - Thomas Patt
CancerCakes - Nothing Bet
Kleptobot - Internet Relationship
Kaishai - It Is The Last
Fanky Malloons - Flightless Bird

Losers
Baudolino - Rural Rentboys
toanoradian
Benagain
Gray Ghost
Purple Prince

Some Strange Flea fucked around with this message at Mar 19, 2013 around 15:36

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


In it.

toanoradian
May 30, 2011

The happiest waffligator


Some Strange Flea posted:

You have until 7:59am GMT March 16th to announce your entry. Same time on the 18th to get your stuff turned in. This would be the same time as last week, except some people have had Daylight Savings switches and some haven't. Daylight Savings has not yet started in the UK (i.e. where I am), and will not between now and either deadline, so I mean GMT proper, not Bull poo poo Time (GMT+1).

Time no longer makes sense to me.

Can I get in?

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart

In.

Jeza
Feb 13, 2011

The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.


In, yes.

Dr. Kloctopussy
Apr 22, 2003


In again.

Echo Cian
Jun 16, 2011



In.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

I'm in.

Benagain
Oct 10, 2007

Student of the principle art of posting

Fun Shoe

In to win.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

Some Strange Flea posted:

THUNDER DOME XXXII: Playing Angry Birds on a Derailing Train

New kid's hanging around with the bullies so they won't pick on him, and he's demanding stories based on old-timey bullshit Nero-ism "fiddling while Rome burns". Stories about or around someone's failure to react as expected to a devastating event. And it can't just be super-cool guy-who-isn't-fazed-by-anything bullshit. If your interpretation of the prompt is "something explodes and the main character doesn't look at it" then Action Movie Horseshit Dome is thataway.

Apart from that, you're all free to interpret the prompt as you will. Go for it.

The cap is 1000 words, maximum.

The Saddest Rhino, sebmojo, and I will be your judges for the week. We will survey your torment from above and do nothing. if you're lucky you won't be

You have until 7:59am GMT March 16th to announce your entry. Same time on the 18th to get your stuff turned in. This would be the same time as last week, except some people have had Daylight Savings switches and some haven't. Daylight Savings has not yet started in the UK (i.e. where I am), and will not between now and either deadline, so I mean GMT proper, not Bull poo poo Time (GMT+1).

Fuckin. GO.

HERE ARE THE NAMES
Bad Seafood
toanoradian
systran
Jeza
Dr. Klocktopussy
Echo Cian
Sitting Here
Benagain

Flash Rule

Your story must have a beautiful moment.

sebmojo fucked around with this message at Mar 12, 2013 around 22:23

Noah
May 31, 2011

Come at me baby bitch


In.

Steriletom
May 11, 2009

My inability to write has angered the ghost of Thunderdome! Beware my example, lest you be haunted.


In.

autism ZX spectrum
Feb 7, 2007



Fun Shoe

In *and* I'm flash ruling myself because gently caress you and gently caress everything.

Flash Rule:
Story has to revolve around the building of a bike wheel.

If anyone has any objections you can speak with my lawyers.

pug wearing a hat
May 29, 2012

please allow me to introduce myself i'm a man of wealth and taste


In.

Erogenous Beef
Dec 20, 2006

i know the filthy secrets of your heart


In.

HellishWhiskers
Mar 29, 2012

She was an awkward girl


Oxxidation posted:

Distance (HellishWhiskers)

Oh God, the hyphens, theyíre coming straight at me, I had a dream it would end this way

Seriously, I donít love hyphens, I just tell them that to get them into bed, but when you find yourself abusing a punctuation mark to this extent you should really backtrack and break up some of those clauses with periods and such. They loving wrecked the pacing, which is a shame, because the story itself isnít half badóitís badly in need of some editing to trim out the extraneous sentiments, and it needs a stronger conclusion, but the tone is unwavering and captures that weary Russian charm too well for me to hate the piece outright. This is really one that you should get back to later. Maybe itís just because overbearing gloom gives me a great big hard-on, but I see potential here under all the hypens.

Bad Seafood posted:


HellishWhiskers - Distance

You know - there's just something about this piece that really bugs me. Can't quite put my finger on it - but I'm sure it'll come to me in time. I'll keep you posted - okay?

I actually thought this one started off strong but lost its way a bit as it went along. The sharp and short prose near the beginning lends itself well to the quick and dirty thoughts of someone recounting time in between being irritated at the people he lives with. I think if you did this again with a sparser style all around it would come across much more fittingly.

Much obliged for the crits - this is my very first time writing pretty much anything ever, plus English is quite the second language for me (I'm *gasp* from Moldova and speak mostly Russian). I was fairly dissatisfied with the conclusion myself, but I, being the lazy ponce that I am, chased myself into the corner of having to finish the bloody thing without being able to better flesh it out. Still, I'm fairly surprised that I didn't end up with a sawblade in my forehead just because of that.

HaitianDivorce
Jul 29, 2012


In. Started work on the rough draft almost as soon as I saw the prompt and I'm kinda excited to see how this one shakes out.

Canadian Surf Club
Feb 15, 2008

Word.


In for this

CancerCakes
Jan 10, 2006

WORST WIZARD, THUNDERDOME
LOSER


What can I say, I like the way my blood decorates the sandy floor of the thunderdome. Throw me back in, tis but a scratch.

Gray Ghost
Jan 1, 2003


In.

budgieinspector
Mar 24, 2006

According to my research,
these would appear to be
Budgerigars.



Sorry for late crits, and sorry I don't have time to do all of them at once. Real life getting in the way, etc. Should be able to finish by the weekend.

I'm going to focus more on the ideas behind the stories, I think. If some technical component stands out, I'll mention something. All in all, though, not much puke-worthy output this week. I, for one, am pleased.

Noah -- "Downhill"

Speaking as a dull person who works in a dull office doing a dull job week in, week out, I apparently found this piece much more palatable than my cohorts.

Could it be trimmed? Sure. Oxx makes a good point about the third paragraph. Did it make me want to rip out my eyes? Not even slightly.

It's a small story about a small sacrifice, and I reckon it works well in that capacity.


Steriletom -- "Love Found and Lost in Phuket"

Again, disagreeing with my fellow judges on this one--strictly on the topic of whether or not I liked it. BS makes a point about novelty. It's nothing new. Oxx (rightfully) stomps on the tone. The "nerd, mouthbreather" line wasn't exactly artful.

But the ending killed me. Just that "Oh, poo poo" moment when I understood where you were taking it made it worth the read. Rewrite this fucker, incorporate the notes that the others gave you, but I reckon that the spine is strong enough that, with a polishing, it ought to be shopped around.


Nubile Hillock -- "Coyote"

I keep looking for the place where the body of the story ties to the ending(s). I'm not seeing Crow's motivation, or even the set-up for her just being prone to shooting motherfuckers (if that was your intent). I think you could handle that--as well as fix the sudden shift of perspective--by making her your focus character, instead of Dean.

Otherwise, yes, there's confidence here. Outside of the unnecessary dialogue exposition about the Coyote's vehicle (you're about to show the thing; no real need to explain about tank treads, even if you're only doing it to set up that the dystopia your characters live in has been around a long time), you do a good job of not hitting the reader over the head with STUFF FROM THE FUTURE. Especially the rattlesnake gun: It's a gun, it doesn't actually fire rattlesnakes--leaving the rest to the reader's imagination was a good call.


CancerCakes -- "The night before Battle"

Yeah, I was waiting for young Roger to put an arrow through someone's throat, and it didn't happen. I got that it was supposed to be Hastings, and I understand that knights were essentially dickheads on horseback, but I wanted some catharsis after the chivalric douchebaggery. ("Perhaps the scout is a spy, and will slaughter them all in their sleep?" I hoped. Alas.)

It seems to me that the only reason to write two-dimensional assholes is to see them destroyed or humiliated by story's end. Neither happened, which might be historically-accurate, but wasn't all that entertaining.


Jeza -- "WELCOME TO...THE SPIDERDOME"

gently caress. Well. Your language pops. Not sure I'm feeling any sort of narrative urgency here, though. Drug mural creation / consumption / loving spider! It needs a running jump to that penultimate paragraph, and some sort of extra tie-in to the spider-horror beyond your bog-standard level of arachnophobia. Something specific in the character's history that will make the end The Worst Thing That Could Possibly Happen.


Beezle Bug -- "When/if I Grow Up"

My eyes glazed over at the second mention of "veo". Fantasy isn't my thing, but I tried my impartial best to care... and I failed. Too much cramming of New Stuff when, as Oxx pointed out, the factory models would've served just as well, if not better. Too much frippery getting in the way of events.

autism ZX spectrum
Feb 7, 2007



Fun Shoe

budgieinspector posted:


Nubile Hillock -- "Coyote"

I keep looking for the place where the body of the story ties to the ending(s). I'm not seeing Crow's motivation, or even the set-up for her just being prone to shooting motherfuckers (if that was your intent). I think you could handle that--as well as fix the sudden shift of perspective--by making her your focus character, instead of Dean.

Otherwise, yes, there's confidence here. Outside of the unnecessary dialogue exposition about the Coyote's vehicle (you're about to show the thing; no real need to explain about tank treads, even if you're only doing it to set up that the dystopia your characters live in has been around a long time), you do a good job of not hitting the reader over the head with STUFF FROM THE FUTURE. Especially the rattlesnake gun: It's a gun, it doesn't actually fire rattlesnakes--leaving the rest to the reader's imagination was a good call.



That really helps. I'm gonna take that piece to the farm, I think I got a way to fix it (it's missing a paragraph or two).

Purple Prince
Aug 20, 2011


In. Hopefully I can stop missing deadlines.

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart

The only way I can submit something I feel is decent is to start the first draft on Tuesday, right after I see the prompt. Then I look at it several more times throughout the week and edit as much as possible. Last week I was sick all week and I made a rough draft after I saw the prompt, but it kind of sucked so I scrapped it. Then in the last three hours I wrote a draft and tried to revise is several times in the space of three hours or so and it ended up being total poo poo.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

systran posted:

The only way I can submit something I feel is decent is to start the first draft on Tuesday, right after I see the prompt. Then I look at it several more times throughout the week and edit as much as possible. Last week I was sick all week and I made a rough draft after I saw the prompt, but it kind of sucked so I scrapped it. Then in the last three hours I wrote a draft and tried to revise is several times in the space of three hours or so and it ended up being total poo poo.

Honestly? No-one cares. Write or be damned.

Baudolino
Apr 1, 2010

THUNDERDOME LOSER

Nubile Hillock posted:

In *and* I'm flash ruling myself because gently caress you and gently caress everything.

Flash Rule:
Story has to revolve around the building of a bike wheel.

If anyone has any objections you can speak with my lawyers.

Wait, is this supposed to be a restriction that will apply to everyone? It would be nice to have this clarified.

Erik Shawn-Bohner
Mar 21, 2010

by XyloJW


Baudolino posted:

Wait, is this supposed to be a restriction that will apply to everyone? It would be nice to have this clarified.

It's just a self-imposed rule for Hillock. No one else has to do it.

Noah
May 31, 2011

Come at me baby bitch


Which is really just bizarre. A self-imposed flash rule is just what you happened to write your story about.

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart

I think he wanted to force that on himself before he had a chance to change his mind or something.

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


It's called calling a shot.

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW


That's a pool reference for you ultra-goony-goons ain't never left your basements.

autism ZX spectrum
Feb 7, 2007



Fun Shoe

Noah posted:

Which is really just bizarre. A self-imposed flash rule is just what you happened to write your story about.

gently caress you

systran posted:

I think he wanted to force that on himself before he had a chance to change his mind or something.

you're cool

Bad Seafood posted:

It's called calling a shot.

Noah
May 31, 2011

Come at me baby bitch


Get me a judge, someone wants to brawl!

Jeza
Feb 13, 2011

The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.


Thunderbrawl - Noah vs Nubile Hillock


Prompt - Story must feature a 'flash' and a 'rule'

You can decide how you want to interpret that. 750 Words, submit by the same deadline as this week's TD.

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autism ZX spectrum
Feb 7, 2007



Fun Shoe

Jeza posted:

Thunderbrawl - Noah vs Nubile Hillock


Prompt - Story must feature a 'flash' and a 'rule'

You can decide how you want to interpret that. 750 Words, submit by the same deadline as this week's TD.

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