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Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


I accept the rhyming challenge. I'm in.


The next person's poem must be a ballad. Like a real deal loving ballad, not a bunch of rhyming couplets with "ballad" in the title.



HiddenGecko posted:



Zack_Gochuck: Stella finally figured it out. Bernard was a one-eyed ogre! Is either going to be the best story I’ve ever read or the worst. I want the next story you write for Thunderdome to come straight from your heart. Or your rear end, if that’s where your good stories live.
That being said. You’re doing great. The worst thing you could do is stop writing or listen to me. I’m just very particular and ask a lot from art and what I read in general, I’m hard to please, it’s not you. KEEP WRITING, gently caress YOUR HATERS.



I think of my writing as junk food. It's the shallow fishin' hole as opposed to the ocean. It's your summer gently caress-buddy as opposed to your wife. I go for entertainment value over substance. It's meant to be a lark. However, I accept your challenge. I will attempt to spill my guts in my rhyming poem about death.

Zack_Gochuck fucked around with this message at 13:03 on Jan 10, 2013

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Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


I would not complain if they threw in some Middle English.

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


Admiral's Grove (358)

By the sea is where I was born,
In a saltbox house, battered and worn.

My home, my life, around the bay,
The gulls swoop through the ocean spray.

There I lived since I was young,
Til a sickness seeped into my lung.

Though I lay in a hospital bed,
My thoughts travel back home instead.

I don't think of the smell of the sea,
Or the wood stove or a warm cup of tea

Not my family, wife or even my son,
Of all the moments, I think about one.

I cannot help myself but think,
Of the time I bought that girl a drink.

It was up the bay, Little Grouse Cove,
In a run-down bar called Admiral's Grove.

A pretty young thing, up on a stool,
Watching Big Paddy playin' some pool.

She was almost done the last of her beer,
So I sings out, “Another one here!”

Dark brown skin, her hair all black,
None like her up the shore and back.

She danced with Dick and John and Rod,
But she had me hooked like a jig in a cod.

So I stands up and asks her for a scuff,
And she sticks with me till she has enough.

We dances around, b'y I spose tis a crime,
But can't a married man have a good time?

I takes her up the hill and onto the head,
And treated it like a wedding bed.

Never felt better me entire life,
But I had to go home, cause I had a wife.

Didn't seen her atall after that night,
I got her address, but I never did write.


I thought about her, week to week,
But I got me doubts we'll ever speak.

I figured that fate must be unkind,
I'm married, so I puts her out of me mind.

Never did tell me missus the truth,
I 'spose if I did she'd knock out me tooth.

But I tells ya, on me way to the grave,
I'm not thinkin' of Jesus or if he can save.

I thinks of the girl with dark-brown skin,
And cries cause I'll never see her again.

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


areyoucontagious posted:

So I went and checked out Versed, by Rae Armantrout, to try and expand my poetic experience, and I don't loving get any of it, which makes me feel stupid and uneducated. Is there an accessible poet of the last 20-30 years you'd recommend, or should I just keep pushing through Versed?

Edit: Like for real, I've read and enjoyed poetry before, but this feels like I'm watching the poet masturbate with the english language. I'm not sure how that makes me feel.

It can be a hell of a contentious issue, and it really comes down to personal taste. I've read novels and my reaction was basically, "What the gently caress it this poo poo?," but you know what, someone wrote it, someone took it and believed in it enough to publish it, and people bought it. But to me, it is loving terrible.

I've submitted stuff to magazines, and this has actually happened, and have gotten a critique that basically says, "This is garbage," in a polite way, and the magazine down the street from them publishes it and invites me to participate in a public reading. Different readers want different things. Hell, I've also written stuff no one loving likes.

Take for example, Twinkle Cave's critique of my poem. Now I don't consider myself a poet by any means, but his main critique seems to be that the poem was a shallow rhyming picture poem. The thing is, that's probably what most of the general public expects when they read poetry, but it's not what Twinkle Cave wanted, and I would wager there are a lot of people in this thread that would agree with him. Does that invalidate someone's opinion if they like the poem I wrote? Of course it doesn't. You're allowed to like or hate whatever the gently caress you want.This poem is nothing but rhyming couplets and it's considered a classic where I live. It's a crapshoot.

You are allowed to read Rae Armantrout's poetry and think it's self-masturbatory dogshit. I'm sure lots of people do, but that doesn't mean it isn't a prime example of good poetry to someone else. There are a bajillion different audiences out there.

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


toanoradian posted:

Twice now did the prompt and challenge defeated me.

Death on Death (351 words)
Goodbye to you
Yes, hello, hello I am here
I’m sorry to bear bad news:
You’re no more, you’ve passed,
You’ve gone and spent your last
Moments of life.

No, there aren’t any games
Miracles or second chances
Once you died you remain
In that state, forever
lifeless, forever over!

Don’t start to cry now
You’re many years too late!
Look, there isn’t anything
I can do to help, I am just
Carrying you to the next
World of wonders
Probably.

I have had enough of this
Crying and sobbing
At time around death
Why can’t you smile for
Once when you die
Or be happy
As I welcome you

I hate that you’ve feared
Me; I hate that you have
Feared a force of nature
With a personality
Likes and needs
So much that you named
‘It’ the ‘Grim Reaper’
I much prefer ‘Death’!

I didn’t start off reaping
I didn’t start off grim!
I started off picking
I started off grinning!

I am sick of you
Being scared of death
When it is only the briefest
Seconds at the end.
People resist being taken
As if moving on will hurt
As if I will hurt

No, I don’t have
A loving scythe.
I don’t cut you off
Your own body did that!
I just pick you up
So you get on
To the next world!

I don’t have a steed
Of burning skulls
I don’t need a ride
Of magic bones
To bring you out
From this place.

Do you want to stay
Here in this void?
The sizzling, swirling,
Swaying darkness?
Didn’t think so!
So shut up and walk
With me.

No, there is no light,
No tunnels either.
It’s easy to get lost
In the realm of after
Death.

What’s in the world beyond
This realm? I do not know
Nor do I care
Notice I handle deaths
What’s before,
What’s after,
What do I care.

Here at last we reached
The end of our team
Just give a step
Now go on then!
Move past!
Your life had ended
Your death had too

I liked this, but I think it would have been almost better to go full bore satire with it. I sort of get this image of a guy, especially when he drops the f-bomb, who is totally exasperated with all the mythology surrounding his career. A blue-collar worker who's just trying to do his job.

I don't understand a lot of the line breaks, though. They seem really arbitrary. For example:

quote:

No, there aren’t any games
Miracles or second chances
Once you died you remain
In that state, forever
lifeless, forever over!

Why is there a line break between "Games" and "Miracles?" Like, it's not the end of a sentence. There's no thematic change, end of a clause, or meter or rhyme, etc. It doesn't feel like separating miracles and second chances from games really sets anything apart or brings anything thematic to the forefront. It doesn't mean much by itself or draw my eyes to it specifically. I feel like setting a word like "lifeless" apart from the words before and after, and putting lifeless out there by itself, would be more effective. It seems like there's only a line break there because you wanted one to fulfill your flash rule. I dunno line breaks like that just feel really prosey to me. Poetry is not exactly my forte, so I don't have much else to say. But yeah, I thought it was alright.

Zack_Gochuck fucked around with this message at 22:45 on Jan 14, 2013

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


gently caress it, I'm in.

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


I have to buy Capn' an avatar of his choice this time around. I toxxed it. I gotta man up and do it. If he wants to post the avatar, I'll buy it for him.

*Edit* poo poo, someone already got him one? You want Archives or something, Capn'?

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


HereticMIND posted:

Hard and Deep (Word Count: 430)

It was sudden, swift, violent, confusing.

“RPG on the rooftop!”, “Where the gently caress is our backup?!”, “Tank in the alleyway! Take it down!”, “Sniper! Sniper on that balcony!”

It was if his body was on fire. Every nerve, every fiber, every synapse, every atom of his being suddenly became alive. As if it was here, right loving now, this very loving godforsaken mockery of an urban jungle in some rear end-end third world country was where he belonged. Where he had a purpose.


Brian was almost overcome by the noise of rockets and the smell of sulfur burning his nose and the sight of his comrades being mowed down and the screams of the dying and oh poo poo what the gently caress is that is that a loving TANK—

He barely got out of the way before the drat thing swung its gigantic turret around and bellowed an ungodly roar. He had to scramble, had to keep running, had to move dammit, move!

And then he heard the screeching of—Friendly Javelins. Firing. At the very tank that was on his white farm-boy rear end. He almost let himself breathe a sigh of relief. Almost.

He leaned against a broken wall of what used to be a towering skyscraper, a far cry from its previous form. He checked his assault weapon, swapped the mag, put a fresh one in, clicked off the safety, chambered the round, and started to run off anew towards the gaping maw of death before him.


The battle raged on, his trigger finger at the verge of falling off his hand. The fatigue was starting to gnaw at his legs, he was running and gunning so much. Every bone in his body ached and pleaded and begged for him to slow down, but he knew the battle wasn't over yet, just a few more minutes and it would all be over.

Every once in a while, an enemy would pop up and his assault rifle would bark at them, sending them down to the rubble-filled streets. It was almost like it was a reflex, really. It just...happened. No rhyme. No reason. Just...instinct.


Then...the enemies stopped coming. They just...up and left. Vanished without any trace. Brian slowed down his quick gait, concern flickering across his face. Something wasn't right. There was no formal surrender, no discussion of terms...

He looked up, and saw glistening silver careening towards the Earth, speeding as if it were thrown from the very hand of God Himself.


Then, there was noise. There was fire. There was dust. There was wind.


And then there was silence.


~~~~

Like I said, I go hard. And. DEEP.

Google Docs (added some fancy formatting; better looking): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jNHJAgmayqiI_4b1fy9RWEr-OZQOHJ6Y-u1cTh3s4VE/edit?usp=sharing

DL (if you wish): https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B6G29RwFpAuMdlZGeFdlbGVVV0E/edit?usp=sharing

Video games are art.

Zack_Gochuck fucked around with this message at 13:17 on Feb 8, 2013

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


I hate myself and I'm in.

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


Here's all I had time to get together because Nemo keeps knocking out my power.

The Ball

The ball is small and made of steel. For a long time it lay in a gutter, buried under dirt and leaves. It starts to rain, and the rain washes the ball free. The ball slowly rolls down a gradual incline. It rolls faster and faster. There is a storm drain ahead and the ball is headed straight for it. The ball picks up speed as it approaches the drain. It's going so fast that even the smallest spot of dirt causes it to wobble. The ball is running along the lip of the storm drain. There is a pebble ahead. The ball hits the pebble and wobbles closer to the edge of the drain. It continues roll forward and drifts closer to the abyss below, but the ball is back on the pavement before it falls off the lip.

The ball picks up more speed as it heads downhill. It reaches the bottom of the slope and starts to roll up another one. It loses speed. The ball goes slower and slower as it approaches the crest of the hill. The ball is within sight of the top of the hill, but it is going too slow. It is an inch from the crest and it has almost stopped. Gradually, slowly, it manages to roll over the top of the crest, and rolls down the other side. It picks up speed again.

A stray cat sees the ball. The cat chases the ball. If the cat catches the ball, it will pounce on the ball. It will stop the ball. The ball rolls downhill, the cat close behind. The cat runs fast and faster. It is slowly catching up to the ball. The cat measures the distance and pounces on the ball. The cat moves its paw to the side to take a look at its prize. There is nothing there. The cat fell short. The cat looks ahead and sees the ball, still rolling, well out of reach now.

The ball is approaching an three-way intersection. The traffic is thick today. The ball rolls out of sight, into the busy traffic. It hits the curb, bounces back, and comes to rest in the gutter.

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


STONE OF MADNESS posted:

Zack_Gochuck – The Ball

Ceci n'est pas une histoire.

quote:

The Troll

The troll looks at the prompt. The troll considers the prompt. The troll looks at his fingers. The troll is thinking. The troll has conflicted emotions about the prompt.

The troll writes. Its fingers flicker across the keyboard, forming clear, unmuddied sequences. Objects move. Action is performed. The troll smirks. The troll has found a way to beat the prompt.

DEATH




At the time it was an earnest attempt to stick within the parameters of the prompt and do something genuinely different from everyone else, not a troll at all, but holy poo poo, dude, now it's a troll.

quote:

The Judge

"My Prompt."
:qqsay:

Zack_Gochuck fucked around with this message at 19:26 on Feb 10, 2013

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


I don't know what love is, so naturally I'm in.

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


The Purple Dory (370)

Elma stood in front of the sink and rinsed the plate. She lay the plate on the drying rack, and looked out the kitchen window. The purple dory made its way past the breakwater. Without fail, Jack always got back to the harbour just as she finished the dishes. She poured up a cup of black coffee, headed across the road, down the bank, and onto the crooked, wooden wharf.

Jack hauled a saltbox full of lobsters out of his Dory, the pots stacked neatly in the stern. She handed him the coffee. He took a long sip, “Tanks, maid.”

“Cold out in boat today?”

“B'y, it wouldn't too bad atall.”

Elma went back across the road to the house, and put on a pot of turkey soup for supper. After they ate, Elma sat at one end of the kitchen table and did a crossword puzzle while Jack knit nets at the other end. At 9:00 they had a cup of tea, ate a row of jamjams and went to bed.

The next morning, little spiderwebs of frost formed on the bedroom window. Jack put his hand on Elma's hip, “Stay in bed till it warms up, me duck. I'll get a bun for breakfast and throw a few splits in the stove.”

When Elma got up, Jack was already headed out the harbour and into a bank of fog in his purple dory, the stern weighed down with lobster pots. When Jack went to paint the dory for the first time, he accidentally bought a can of purple paint. He pried off the lid, looked at the paint, then at Elma, “Sure I can't paint me boat wit' dat. Everyone'll tink I'm a queer.”

Elma stuck her finger in the paint, and put a glob on Jack's forehead, “I tinks ya'd look right cute coming in off the bay yer purple boat.”

Jack painted his dory purple ever since.

Elma stood in front of the sink and rinsed the last plate. She lay the plate on the drying rack and looked out the window. No purple dory in sight. She put all the dishes back in the sink. Wouldn't hurt to give them another wash. Just in case.

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


Aw gently caress, I missed the flash rule.

:commissar:

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


That's your post date, dingus. Look over your avatar.

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


I'm in. Someone can assign something to me or something.

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


sebmojo posted:

Suck on this. Report upon its flavour.

Tastes like poo poo.

quote:

It was all a (Teenage) Dream

Violet was outrageously excited. Don't use adverbs She’d missed Maiden the last time they’d toured, as she’d been seven at the time and her mother had been reluctant to let him go on his own. You are adding extra verbs here. Why all the "'d"? Violet had tried to convince her to go as well, but it had been on the same night as the finals of her social netball match, and her commitment to the team had to come first.Again why had? It's also really weird for a mother to put netball over her daughter. I'm just going to start crossing out the extra verbs. This time though, she’d just turned seventeen, and after some reluctance her mother had agreed that she could go by herself,** as long as she agreed not to partake in any satanic rituals that her mother had heard might occur at such a gathering.This does not sound like the logic of a reasonable person. She’d managed to secure a spot only ten metres from the stage. She was being jostled somewhat roughly by the crowd, but she didn’t care, because she was about to see Maiden. See how many words I cut out there? It was gonna be so righteous. Is this violet's perspective or the narrator's? It's a really confusing break in voice.

A rather vigorous sway went through the crowd, and Violet fell over, scraping her knees slightly. She got up right away, though – she was helped to her feet by some young girls. Obviously their mothers didn’t mind them going out by themselves. Who is it obvious to? Why is it obvious? Even on a school night. Thanking them, she dusted herself off, then hearing the opening riff of a song – although not one she recognised – she quickly turned to the stage. Why don't we see this? Why is it summarized in the narration?

It took a moment before Violet realised she did in fact recognise the song after all.This is stupid. The sentence before this one should just tell us it's not a Maiden song. It just wasn’t a Maiden song. Some girl was singing about something tasting like a cherry chap stick. What is a chap stick anyway? I find it really hard to believe a 17-year-old gilr doesn't know what chapstick is. I have given up on crossing out extra words at this point. No metal singer ever wrote a song about a chap stick. She must’ve gone to the wrong venue!Gasp! She looked around desperately at the hordes of girls, and the occasional boy who was either clinging onto some girl’s waist or hoisting a girl up on his shoulders to show off how manly he was and possibly earn a bit of a pash later on their front porch as he nervously dropped her off. I feel like this is the point where you've lost the reader and they aren't coming back.

As everyone around her sang along passionately about a brief quasi-lesbian experience they’d once had, Violet turned to a guy nearby who didn’t appear to be trying to make out with any of the nearby girls and shouted “What the deuce is this nonsense? Where’s Maiden?”17-year old girls don't talk like this.

“Didn’t you hear?” he replied. “Maiden cancelled. Katy Perry, or K Po as I like to call her, graciously filled their spot in the schedule.”This is a huge hole in logic, and a huge stretch. Wouldn't they announce this? Iron Maiden and Katy Perry have two very different fan bases. Were all these people here to see Maiden? Did the tickets get returned and resold? You're really reaching.

“OK,” shouted Violet “firstly, that’s a dumb nickname and makes no sense. And secondly, this is totally bogus. I’ve gotta get out of here!”People don't talk this way

He shrugged. “It’s pretty packed, might be hard to move. You could always try to crowd surf out. Here, I’ll boost you.”People don't talk this way.

“OK, but watch the hands.”People don't talk this way. He boosted her up. He accidentally grabbed her butt on the way up, but then she accidentally elbowed him in the face quite hard, thus discouraging any further accidents.Again, very inconsistent voice Unfortunately, she seemed to be surfing the wrong way. On a raging sea of swaying people, she was carried in the rip up towards the front of the stage, and the sound of K Po warbling that she hoped her boyfriend wouldn’t mind too much grew increasingly louder.

As she reached the barrier separating the crowd from the stage, a large man with ‘Security’ written on his shirt pulled her down, pointing to a nearby sign with a picture of a surfer on a sea of hands with a red cross through it. Violet sensed an opportunity. “What’re you gonna do about it, kick me out?” she yelled.This is the only paragraph that didn't confound me in some way.

“Don’t tempt me.” Somehow, Security didn’t need to shout. He just opened up his mouth and his voice filled the air. “But no, no one goes out now that we’ve started. You’ll just have to stay here where I can keep an eye on you.”This is not what a security guard at a concert sounds like.

“No one goes out? That’s ridiculous!”I agree!

Security shrugged. “We’re making history here; K Po is going to perform the longest concert ever. The people from Guinness World Records are here and everything.”This did get a chuckle.

The colour drained from Violet’s face. “The longest concert ever? What’s the current record?”People don't talk like this.

“Some Canadian guy’s got it at twenty seven hours or so, and Canada have been lording it over us ever since. Thankfully K Po’s on hand to sort them Canucks out.”

“Does she even have twenty seven hours of material?”

Security shrugged. “I guess they’ll do slightly longer versions of some of the songs. Only twenty six hours and fifty eight minutes to go, and she still looks strong!”

Violet considered the prospect of a twenty seven hour K Po concert, and after this short deliberation, kicked Security in the testicles quite firmly and ran away.Ask me about kicking people quite firmly in the testicles. Security doubled over and clutched at his manhood, tears coming to his eyes.

Violet ran along the barrier, hoping to find some avenue of escape, but the barriers were quite high, and it slowly dawned on her that she was just running in a wide circle around the stage. Stop using quite! Furthermore, she was approaching some more Security.Stop using Furthermore! She tried to scramble over the barrier, but the crowd were quite mindful of the rules regarding barriers, and pushed her back.This would never happen, even in this universe As the Security with the bruised testicles slowly caught up, and the other Security closed in, she collapsed to the ground and started crying. Through her tears, she said “I just… don’t think I can possibly sit through even one more hour of K Po.”

“Well, look who’s back in the land of the living.” Violet opened her eyes and a concerned face looked down at her.what

“What happened?”

“You fell into the mosh pit and were quite violently trampled. You broke several ribs and one of them punctured your lung.”The it was all a dream bullshit is stupid.

“And this was at a Maiden concert?”

“Yes. By the way, you no longer have a spleen. It was irrevocably damaged and we had to remove it.”Is this a joke?

Violet was barely listening. “Thank you, sweet merciful baby Zeus.”People do not talk this way.

“Also, it’ll be about six months before you’re able to eat solids. There is good news, though!”Again, this is told like a joke, but it's not that funny.

“Oh?” Violet was not paying much attention. Her mind was on ice cream. That was something people got to eat in hospital, right?I dunno.

“You have a very special visitor! Iron Maiden wanted to be here in person to cheer you up, but due to the satanic rituals they are suspected of vaguely encouraging in unspecified ways, they weren’t welcome in the country for longer than it took to perform their tour. Fortunately, K Po decided to fill in for them!”Punchline!

Violet tried to scream, but passed out from the effort.




*She would’ve accompanied her, but she had a Tupperware party, and the host was one of those old friends who she didn’t really have anything in common with anymore, but she felt that she had to support her weird hobbies because that was what old friends do. *What the gently caress is this?

Pretty poorly written puch-line story overall. The idea of someone being trapped at a never-ending Katy Perry concert is funny, but not nearly as funny as you think it is here. If you really want to pursue this story, I think it would work better as a youtube sketch or something, and it needs a lot of work.

I'll post my piece in a bit.

Zack_Gochuck fucked around with this message at 22:54 on Sep 8, 2013

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


Class of 2002 (405 Words)

“For Sale: Land” A big red “Reduced Price!” sticker pasted diagonally across the sign. The driveway, a minuscule opening in the trees on the side of Witless Bay Line. You’d never notice it if you drove faster than 50. The speed limit is 80. No transformer on the power-line, no cell-phone reception. In the driveway, deep ruts filled with water. The hump in the middle would tear the bottom out of anything less than a 4x4 truck. On the way down, along the sides, Molson Canadian cans are scattered amongst the bunch-berries under the black spruce.

A cabin made of plywood overlooks a pond at the end of the driveway. Maroon paint flakes off the side and gets carried away by the heedless breeze. The lone window is shattered. The door hangs open and a broken padlock rests on the nearby ground. A sheer rock-face borders the far side of the cabin. The words “Rog + Jen 2003” and “Goulds Rules” are written in neon-orange construction spray-paint.

The remains of a picnic table stands at the back. The top is covered in charred junks of wood as if someone lit a bonfire up there. Light shines through the hole in the middle, blackened around the edges, onto the ash below. The yard is littered with cigarette butts and beer cans. A rusted, metal tent-peg is left in the ground. A double mattress to the right, a large brown vomit-stain in the middle. A balled up hoody at the foot reads, “St. Kevin’s Class of 2002.”

Inside the cabin, the ceiling sags like a tarp filled with rainwater. A brown and yellow floral pattern love-seat sits under the window, caked in dust. A glass mixing bowl scattered across the floor, shattered. A battery powered radio lies on a shelf on the opposite wall. The batteries’ rot corrodes the back of the radio and disfigures the surface of the shelf. There’s a bottle of Tylenol planted further in. Its label faded from bright red to a dull pink. Expiry date: 1992. A bottle of nitroglycerin tablets stands guard to the side. Someone has spray-painted “Rog likes the dick” on the wall above.

Down the hall, there is a bedroom. It smells of mildew, and mould creeps up from the baseboards. There is a double bed with a box-spring, but no mattress. Over the bed, a wooden plaque reads “Heaven is a little closer at the cabin.”

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People



I know it's technically correct, but something has to be said for being concise. I can see your argument for the first half of the first paragraph, but when you get into the poo poo "she'd just turned 17" and "her mother had agreed" that stuff is all in the present within the confines of the story. Her mother is still agreeing to let her go, and she still just turned 17. We can argue about it until we're are blue in the face, but the fact of the matter is, as a reader, not a writer, putting the entire first paragraph of your story in the pluperfect tense totally threw me off.

Zack_Gochuck fucked around with this message at 11:52 on Sep 9, 2013

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


sebmojo posted:

PPPPPPRRRRRRROOOOOOMMMPPPPPPTTTTTTT

Am I supposed to make a prompt? I didn't even realize I won until this morning.

*Edit* I'm going to assume that I'm supposed to make one.


:siren: :siren: Week 58: Seeing vs. Seen :siren: :siren:


Traditionally when you write a piece of fiction, you tell the story from the protagonist's perspective. We'll call this a seeing character. I want you to write a story where the protagonist is not your seeing character. In other words, we don't get to see things from the protagonist's perspective but through an unrelated incidental character's perspective. It's pretty much open besides that. Extra points will be given if the your seeing character's perspective skewers our view of the protagonist in some way. If you structure your story in a way that the seeing character/narrator/whatever-you-want-to-call-them steals the spotlight from the protagonist, you lose, loser.

Limit is 1,000 words. Check out Kurt Vonnegut's Welcome to the Monkey House if you need an example. He does this in a bunch of the stories in there such as "The Hyannis Port Story."

*Edit* Here is a good definition, but your story does not need to be in first-person:

quote:

A peripheral narrator is a first-person narrator who's not the main character. She gets to give us the lowdown on the juicy dealings of the true protagonists and antagonists, all while watching from a safe distance. Think Nick Carraway in F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby.

Judges: Me and whoever.

Signups due: Saturday, 14th September, 11:59pm GMT

Submissions due: Sunday, 15th September, 11:59pm GMT

Entrants:

Jeza
Lord Windy
crabrock
Mercedes
Ceighk
CantDecideOnAName
Benagain
sebmojo
Sitting Here
systran
Fumblemouse
Anathema Device
Kaishai

Zack_Gochuck fucked around with this message at 21:59 on Sep 15, 2013

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


Who want to help judge this poo poo show?

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


Nyarai posted:

I can judge if you need it.

Yeah sure, gently caress it.

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


CantDecideOnAName posted:

You know what, hit me up with a flash rule.

:siren:Flash Rule:siren:
Literal skewers must play a role in your story.

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


Man, that is so loving cool.

:siren: Flash Rule :siren:

Every entry this week contain a 2-3 line dedication to Crabrock and Kaishai. A "To Crabrock and Kaishi..." type deal. You ungrateful bastards need to get down on your knees and thank these people. It doesn't have to factor into your word count, and does not have to be an actual part of your story, but the quality your dedication will be factored into the judgement.

Zack_Gochuck fucked around with this message at 14:34 on Sep 14, 2013

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


Signups closed!

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


crabrock posted:

i'm on the list twice. I don't have to submit two stories, right?

I think you know the answer to that.

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


:siren: It is now 8:18 P.M. GMT :siren:

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


:siren: One more hour to get them submissions in. :siren:

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


:siren: Submission closed! :siren:

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


:siren:Results:siren:

I reluctantly give the win to Systran this week. Your half-assed dedication almost knocked you off the top of the pedestal, but you nailed the concept like a three dollar hooker and that made the difference. Your narrator has a strong voice without overwhelming the protagonist. I feel like my uncle saw this crazy thing down at the store and now he's telling me about it as I read it. A couple of the stories were as well-written, but the narrator unintentionally becomes the protagonist and the person who should be the protagonist is the antagonist. You managed to totally avoid this. Good job.

Lord Windy is the loser this week. For one, you totally forgot the dedication and edited it in later. I also feel like there's not really a story there other than a guy overhears something in a washroom. Now, you could probably say that about a lot of stories, but I felt underwhelmed after reading "Do it with a Rockstar." Red head says, "This will be a great story someday," and she's right. I feel like a retrospective of the time my insane red-headed friend tried to gently caress a rockstar would have probably worked better.

More detailed critiques to come later tonight.

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


In: St. John's

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


St. John's, Newfoundland and Labrador, Canada

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


Do it With a Rockstar - Lord Windy

I think the overall concept is sound, but my biggest issue is I feel like nothing really happens. There's also no real sense of voice. Like I said earlier, I think something a bit more retrospective, like, "That time my red-headed friend slept with a rockstar." Probably would have worked better. I also don't understand why the girls give the speaker a $20. My first thought was washroom attendant, but I've never been to a concert with washroom attendants.

The dedication, though it was added late, was adequate.

Prophet of Death -CantDecideOnAName

In terms of the construct of the competition, I think that the narrator plays too active of a role and becomes a protagonist. Besides that, it needs some polishing overall. I think the dialogue tags were overdone a little. Don't be afraid to put dialogue out there on its own. For example, I think the first line would have been stronger without the "I was aghast." The "I repeated" in the next piece of dialogue explains well enough that the first bit was spoken by the narrator, and I think a question like, "You're the prophet?" would be stronger if it's set out by itself on the page. It makes it seem important.

Great dedication.

Diamonds - Kaishai

I liked this one. You nailed the concept. I think it could still use a little work. Maybe a bit more subtly with regards to the interaction between the couple, I have a hard time picturing a couple arguing that openly in a high-end jewelry store, but it's a really solid piece. The attempted robbery and subsequent double homicide was hilariously over the top (in a good way).

Good dedication.

At the Market in Alabama -systran

I think I said all I had to say earlier, again, great voice, nailed the concept. The narrator has his own voice and opinions, but it doesn't overwhelm the story. This is still "The boy's" story. Like I said, I can picture my uncle telling my about this crazy thing that happened down at the store. Great job. Dedication sucked.

Walter Grant - Jeza

Really liked this one too. I honestly went back and fourth between this one and systran's story quite a bit. I can buy all this because I totally believe that it's so boring in jail that this guy has nothing better to do than to watch a murder go about his day. His insights into Walter's behavior were interesting, and gave him his own voice, but they didn't overwhelm Walter. Walter is the star of the show here. I think the one issue I had was nailing down the narrator's role in the prison. I wasn't entirely sure if he was a prisoner or if he worked there. My first thought was prisoner, but then I thought about some of the pronouns, "We might learn something," "I've been locked in his cell." They somehow suggest a separation from the prisoners to me. "We" makes me feel like the speaker is including himself in society as a whole, which is not how most people think of prisoners. The "his cell" line makes me feel like he's not a cellmate, but he's locked in there, so is the speaker a guard? Maybe I'm reading too much into it.

Got a laugh out of this dedication.

The Heisenberg Property -Sebmojo

Solid effort. The best part was the last line. That worked really well. The prose is fine, I think what I really wanted to see was more of Derek and Sarah. Can the speaker hear what she says when she berates him? What does Derek do the few times he's out in the yard after she's gone? What's there works so well that I want more concrete details about these two people the narrator watches. I also liked the little bits we did get about the narrator. The bit about the mice was particularly strong. You walk the fine line of providing details about the narrator and not overwhelming Derek and Sarah very well.

Good dedication.

At the Seams - Sitting Here

Well written. Good voice. I feel like June is less incidental and more the protagonist. A lot of little details piqued my curiosity, the grandma oak tree, for example. The ending is heart-breaking in the best possible way. I don't have a lot of comments besides that, but I don't have a lot of comments besides that for a good reason. Keep up the good work.

Probably my favorite dedication.

Robbery -Fumblemouse

Same overall problem I had with a couple of the stories here. I felt like Jeremy was the protagonist once the robber grabs hold of him because it generates way too much sympathy. It's sort of contrary to the spirit of the exercise. The dialouge in this one doesn't really works at some points. For example, "Not going to happen. In case you hedn't realised, we got twenty hostages just lying around. You move the gently caress away and let us out of here and maybe they all walk home. Maybe." I don't feel like someone in the process of robbing a bank who is surrounded by police would be that eloquent. I feel like he'd be all like, "gently caress you! We got hostages!" I think your prose could also use a cut here and there.

Decent dedication even though it was edited in later.

The Lady in the Recliner -Crabrock

Here's the thing, and I'm going to be brutally honest here, the first line absolutely kills this piece. Once I read that, the piece was dead in the water. Half the fun of this type of piece, is figuring out who's perspective it's being told from, and the whole "I am a cat" takes a lot of the fun out of that. It's a shame because I think the rest of the paragraph would be a lot stronger if we were allowed to figure out the cat was a narrator on our own as he describes the ways he's tried to kill himself.

In terms of the exercise, I felt like the cat was the protagonist here and the old lady was the antagonist, so yeah. I appreciate the attempt to do something different.

If anyone wants more details on anything or has any questions, feel free to shoot me a pm.

Zack_Gochuck fucked around with this message at 01:44 on Sep 17, 2013

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


In because I had a stroke.

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


In, but I have no ideas. Give me two flash rules. :cmon:

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


I'm not going to make it this week because my friend came up and we played Wayne Gretzsky's 3D Hockey and smoked pot all day, but

:toxx: I will get my entry in next week and use the two flash rules assigned to me this week or I will write a 1,200 word story about anime and post in in the fiction farm.

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


In.

Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


Flash Rule 1: The main character has to be caught between a a literal or metaphorical rock and hard place.

Flash Rule 2: The story has to have a father and son.

Polar Bear 510 Words

John leans over the rail of the pen, and watches as the polar bear hangs its rear over the edge of the ice and shits in the water. He laughs, but stops when he realizes Owen isn't laughing. His son just stares at the polar bear, face void of all emotion. John laughs again, “Did you see that?” He makes a fart noise and mimmicks the bear dung falling into the water.

Owen doesn't smile.

They stare at the polar bear and her cub for another few minutes, until both retreat into the fibreglass den. John watches until he can't see them anymore.

John takes Owen by the hand and walks back through the zoo toward the exit. Owen doesn't look at any of the animals, just his feet. John notices the little canteen off to the side, a food truck with a wooden polar bear facade. The words “Polar Bear Cafe” are painted over the order window in flaking red paint. The bears nose is cracked off, and its face is odd and unsettling. “Want something to eat, buddy?”

Owen shrugs.

They sit at a plastic table on a couple of folding chairs on the pavement in front of the food truck. Some bird droppings have dried onto the middle, so John covers them with a napkin before then eat. John eats a polar burger and fries. The fries are hard in the middle, not fully cooked. John eats them anyway.

Owen doesn't touch his cub meal. He slowly pushes the little plastic polar bear cub figure that came with his food around the table.

“Your fries are getting cold.”

“I don't care,” says Owen.

Owen doesn't speak on the way home. John turns on the classic rock station and sings along in a silly voice and he makes funny faces. Owen doesn't laugh. John stops when his vocal cords start to hurt. He turns left by the bent street sign, and stops in front of an apartment building. The sidewalk leading up the the building is cracked and uneven. The windows in an apartment on the third floor are boarded up, and the entire building is painted an outdated vomit green colour.

Owen gets out of the car. John's voice is hoarse, “I know it's hard now, buddy. It will get easier.” Owen closes the door without saying goodbye. “I promise,” John finishes. He watches Owen walk away.

John turns on his cab light. Owen left his little plastic bear on the seat. He carefully picks it up and puts it in the glove box. The reflection looking back at him in the windshield is broken-down and sad. Dark bags hang under his eyes, “It will get easier.”

He takes out his cell phone and types, “Having second thoughts. Talk it out?” His thumb hovers over the send button for a moment, but he hits backspace and deletes each letter one by one instead. He tosses his phone in the back seat, turns off the light and drives away.

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Zack_Gochuck
Jan 3, 2007

Stupid Wrestling People


Done.

Flash Rule: Your entire story must be set on a tour of some sort.

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