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swamp waste posted:I'd love to make your excellent story better, fellow goon! I don't know what you lot have been waiting for all this time but loving finally. get in.
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Apr 11, 2013 07:58
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also this is what I mean when I said why are people just choosing losing pieces (regardless of that whole "if you win you get an internet picture" rule), unless you are sure you can turn that poo poo to fine threaded gold how about you challenge yourself like this fine gentleman here you plebs.CantDecideOnAName posted:Personally, I picked the loser because I figured it had nowhere to go but up. You are dead to me.
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Apr 11, 2013 08:03
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Fanky Malloons posted:FUUUUCK. Literally the worst mistake, because I loving hate it when other people do that I WAS SO MAD READING THOSE TENSE SHIFTS
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Apr 16, 2013 01:30
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I think you posted the wrong quote  Here, let me help you:James Joyce posted:You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and I hosed them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole. It is wonderful to gently caress a farting woman when every gently caress drives one out of her. I think I would know Nora’s fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women. It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have. It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night. I hope Nora will let off no end of her farts in my face so that I may know their smell also.
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Apr 16, 2013 06:12
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magnificent7 posted:
It may also help you convey your message better, yeah.
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Apr 16, 2013 17:20
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Using established characters means you need to be mentally prepared to grit your teeth as people crit the gently caress out of your baby. Also don't treat your writing as your babies please everyone. Not healthy. Words are not a proper substitute for your fervent, animalistic need to have children.
The Saddest Rhino fucked around with this message at 05:06 on Apr 18, 2013 |
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Apr 18, 2013 05:02
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Sorry for the HUGE delay in providing the critique on the brawl, Noah/Hillock/sebmojo. I JUST finally caught a break today.The Saddest Rhino posted:
Nubile Hillock posted:Chickencheese for a Dream Dish Some kind of radioactive chicken cooked in a can with the heartstopping gif of it slipping onto a plate, served with sprayed cheese as if you were using Febreze on food. Critique I think my most major issue with this story was how it addressed the prompt, which was to write a story about the amazing eating of a disgusting food. What I have noticed is that you have put a lot more effort into the cyberpunk story – especially the last action bit of Brett and Kayla evading the police cruiser – than the actual chickencheese consuming part. Are these two your own established characters / is the environment something you have been worldbuilding? The chickencheese bits were clearly rushed, although it was loving disgusting enough (I just realized what easycheese was and nearly gagged realizing that Kayla was huffing aerosol cheese) and I did enjoy the description of the muscles and sinews being torn apart. The chickencheese becomes, unfortunately, an optional subplot to the main storyline of the Kayla and Brett doing cybercrimeshotgun stuff, and removed from the story wouldn’t make much of a difference. Once they have finished the chicken, the plot (much like the bones in the story itself) were removed completely and never referred to ever again. Perhaps make it more significant by having the chickencheese relate to their experience further – noted the point where you had Brett saying “real meat” – drive home a little that it was the first real food (in whatever way it was) that they had for a long while. Can it be served in Top Chef? Yes, but you can’t just play it safe! This is Top Chef not Top Easycheese. Would the sight of Padma Lakshmi, the most beautiful woman on this whole wide earth, eating this dish make it palatable? Yes, subject to Padma dressing up in leather, possessing three tits and living in Mars. Noah posted:Blu Velvet Dish A petri dish made of aged curdled milk containing insect eggs and a million other types of dangerous bacteria and viruses. You can choose to eat the insects living or dead. Critique I know I joked about this being Gay Reluctant Cheese Wheel Thieves, but I actually did enjoy this a lot, notwithstanding the odd decision of having them wearing socks with sandals in blazing hot Sardinia. The description of them eating the cheese was properly amazing, especially how you described the larvae’s tiny movements as “butterfly kisses” (although I was hoping you followed through by describing the larva pupating and emerging as beautiful disgusting butterflies in their mouth/throat/stomachs). I found your description of the consumption of the cheese, going into details on the acidity, the flavor and the aroma to be more successful than Hillock’s. Also, it was clear you did your research in describing how the accompaniments (the apple, the bread and the honey) works with the cheese, and your writing on those bits were so good it actually made the loving thing sounds good. Although I can’t quite imagine gum-tickling larvae to be effervescent. The only downsides, I felt was (1) there being less writing made with respect to the larvae, since that is the main thing why the Casu Marzu is so unappetizing in the first place; and (2) the story being a slightly clichéd “kids steal great food and get beaten up by the Mafioso”. It’s because of sebmojo’s story being more interesting than yours that you lost out, because otherwise this was really good. Can it be served in Top Chef? You are only one step away from winning USD 250,000, a feature in Fertilizer and Wine Magazine and becoming the new Top Chef! Would the sight of Padma Lakshmi, the most beautiful woman on this whole wide earth, eating this dish make it palatable? Still undecided on whether I’m ok with Padma’s lovely lips being rubbed with larvae while huffing more weed. sebmojo posted:Entomology Dish Deep fried Tarantulas. Do you know this is the only type of food Andrew Zimmern will only eat without complaint on Bizarre Foods? “Oh this is deep fried and I only taste the oil and some crispy batter yep all the taste is masked and I dunno what real spiders actually is like. Also I hate durian because I am secretly a bad person (unlike Anthony Bourdain).” Andrew Zimmern  .Critique “I’ve had spiders in my rear end for a while.” What the gently caress kind of opening line is this. And of course thanks to that attention-grabber the whole story immediately opens up like a flower. Like a flower smelling of rot and last night’s puke of day-old kebab and vodka and red bull. There isn’t much on the description of the eating of the spider (the only part being that last bit of breaking off a limb to suck out the meat), but the story behind it, driving forth on how it led to the narrator blowing up his apartment and consuming the spider, was so horrific and catchy that I completely forgot about it. Honestly, that’s my only complaint about your piece –the choice of deep fried tarantulas being uninspired – but once I read your entry it is immediately understood why you made that choice and the striking horror elements that can be conveyed from a filthy apartment full of vermin. Have to admit though, when you wrote “I licked my long dead fireplace two nights ago” it made me laugh and took me away from the story. I know there is a humour behind the horror in the story (what with the “Emperor of the Arachnids” and the eight legs being “like a Japanese factory robot”) but that was just a little too goofy. Can it be served in Top Chef? Joining the finalists, fresh from Last Chance Kitchen, our version of Redemption Island (which everyone hates!) Would the sight of Padma Lakshmi, the most beautiful woman on this whole wide earth, eating this dish make it palatable? Padma why are why are there spiders in your rear end Padma are those spiders coming out from your mouth Padma no 
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May 4, 2013 16:16
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Since I’m catching up on all my Internet workload I should also put this forward right now: CRITIQUE ON THAT PARTICULAR THUNDERDOME WEEK WHERE PEOPLE REWRITE PREVIOUS TERRIBLE ENTRIES TO BE BETTER (AND MOSTLY FAILING) (NOTE: I realize this is way later than the reasonable critique date and most of you would have heard from the other judges and have improved on these. I just felt I should put this out because I hate owing you guys poo poo. Due to lack of time though I’m reproducing most of my notes to the other judges when considering the losers / winners so it’s not much new to them) [14:50] SaddestRhino: honestly, this is the week where i thought the most about the writing process because there are just SO MANY PROBLEMS with a number of entries I feel that a major issue people had in this challenge was thinking "I'm going to rewrite!" but not bothering to write a good piece. It's the same reason why people hate movie/television remakes nowadays which do not capture the essence of the original or, worse, are shot-by-shot remakes of the original (like that Gus Van Sant Psycho remake in 1998). Incredibly, there are some this particular week which managed to be worse than the original losing pieces. This is of course made more impressive due to this exchange: The Saddest Rhino posted:Is there any particular reason why you lot are choosing losing/terrible stories other than to make the judges reread all the worst stories of the previous TD rounds? CantDecideOnAName posted:Personally, I picked the loser because I figured it had nowhere to go but up. This is not calling you out, CantDecide, but to illustrate my point which is: why are there so many people who failed to go “anywhere but up”. The process, I feel, should have been to read the original and let the idea or the plot sink in first before attempting to rework it. It's not the same as editing each line and making them better, as it misses the major issues of the original piece. It’s deciding which parts can be improved, and which parts act as deterrent and can be removed/reworked. The pieces in what I term the High Pile match those criteria. Those in the Low Pile – not so much. This goes into editing your own stories as well. Never treat them as precious babies that must be nurtured line by line. Look at them objectively, find out the big elements of what you want to convey, and find out what is a better way to do it. Would the story benefit from the choices your characters make? Would a completely different direction, location, or time make the story work better? Would it help to be from a different character’s perspective? More importantly, can you get rid of your protagonist without losing anything? But I’m rambling. Here are my unhelpful critique which hopefully helps you be a better writer. Other than categorizing in piles these are not put in any particular order. HIGH PILE: Dr Kloctopussy - Slave and Slaver, Weave and Waver This addressed some of the issues existing in the original, which was a stream-of-consciousness piece which could be confusing and lacking a little in the ending. The improvement in clarity and characterisation helps a lot. I had some issues with the teeth, primarily because it was a huge motivation drive for the narrator in the beginning but dropped out of sight at the end when he decided to follow the younger slave to freedom. I would have preferred it being mentioned as no longer bearing any importance, either by action or thought. Kaishai – Terminus This captured the much-needed unsettling creepiness so lacking in the original piece and it got rid of all those unnecessary parts, such as Shep’s history in the town, and used the “I am Legion” line the best out of the three. Especially liked the townsfolk moving in unison and the freezer scene (which was cold). My biggest gripe is the paragraph describing the waitress grabbing his gun: “But the girl snatched at his gun with unnatural speed” slows down the action and tells us it’s unnatural rather than show. I also have a feeling that “Jeff shot his revolver at her” is not grammatically correct. V For Vegas – The Song Wow, I had a read of the original and it was HORRIBLE. WHY DO YOU ALL MAKE ME READ ALL THESE TERRIBLE STORIES. This rewrite eschews all the ridiculous 90s comic fantasy crap of the original and turns it into a magic realism piece – in South America, no less! – and renders the song sequence into something which actually provides nuance and meaning. There is some slowdown during the conversation between Magdalena and Barros in the middle, but the last few paragraphs are good enough to elevate it. Would suggest shortening the middle so that the effect of the song sequence is more pronounced. Jeza - An object lesson in futility; Or how to gently caress poo poo up but be reassured by the fact you know nothing even matters Not a big fan of being forced to read two horrible entries especially another of SaviourX’s. Interestingly, I actually thought your Lucifer bit was better than your worldbuilding parts, which was completely the other way round of what you thought of the entry. Maybe I’m just easily amused by funny things. he beginning worldbuilding could be briefer, but I appreciate that you were using the WHR piece to describe the structure of the place, which definitely works better here. It does however take a little too long to get to the meat, which I really did enjoy when hidden in this huge, imposing story about myths and creation, it turns out to be a hilarious anecdote about gods and creations. Also, I’m always mindful of adverbs, but “Lucifer raged tinily” makes such an amazing line especially coupled with the ending “He was vexed.” I have to give it an A. sebmojo – Requiescat Both the original and revised versions are good piece, so I had to practise some objectivity in trying to read this by itself. Fine use of language and the pacing is just right, and this stands as a fine revision of the original without making any unnecessary improvement/rework like some of the other entries try to. MIDDLE PILE: Good news! For both the Middle Pile and the Low Pile I’m giving you foxes a new judging criteria, which is whether Rural Rentboying up your story would actually make it loving better. (Answer: Yes) twinkle cave - chips beer babies shirts blood A running theme I have noticed about your stories is that you are obviously drunkwriting all of them. Seriously, I think you have good ideas, and when you implement them well it kicks you in the guts hard, but its marred by your execution lacking some finesse requiring a lot of editorial work. I found the idea to trailer trash-ise the characters and change the original story (about a man's frustration of not having a child) to a woman exercising her own abortion rather refreshing. However, I didn’t like the long build up it took for the meat of the story – Courtney attacking the man and then getting the other girls to cause her abortion – to turn up, and there were a number of grammatical issues present there. I also didn’t really understand how Courtney became a luchador. If it weren’t for the technical issues, this would be higher. Can this be improved by including an irrelevant gay janitor? Eh, if the abortion is a gay janitor maybe. magnificent7 - Feed the Eye that Bites Too much exposition and worldbuilding, and I felt that whatever creeping sense of despair that was originally present in the story was removed. This is largely a technique issue – you have not made the scene strange and foreign enough, and the odd character popping up was too unsubtle. The pit appearing suddenly in the end was also too abrupt and unfortunately, caused your story to end up flat. I’m also not entirely sure how a person falling into a pit has the time to say “I don’t understand wait what — ” Can this be improved by including an irrelevant gay janitor? The creepy old lady should be a gay janitor because neither are very subtle at all. systran - The Opera House Ok, I laughed at KPO no longer being Katy Perry but now a communist party, but this falls into the same traps the original has, i.e. the strange pacing towards the end where she gets attacked and regains consciousness. Yes, yes, the joke is clever. But is it clever enough to make your story work? If you have thought of something amazing and clever and you find yourself writing your way around it rather than it assisting you in elevating the story, then you should consider discarding it and using it for a more suitable story. Can this be improved by including an irrelevant gay janitor? I think homosexuality should be accepted in all societies, including fictional communist ones. Cancercakes –Skin on Skin This feels like a really unsubtle 80s action movie mostly due to the dialogue. These are astronauts – why does Trev talk like he was the fodder in a Jason Statham movie? (I am however mindful that there was [url= http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lisa_Nowak]an astronaut who drove cross-country in adult diapers in an attempt to kidnap another astronaut[/url], so they are not exactly rocket scientists) There’s also some confusion about how Trev is talking after becoming unconscious. I think the whole first part can be scrapped and changed to a single short couple of lines, since they don’t add to anything other than Gurpeet being super nice and friendly. Can this be improved by including an irrelevant gay janitor? Yes, replace Gurpeet with him. Nubile Hillock –Ruble Rentboys This is another piece that made me laugh, mostly due to the characters now becoming homosexual labourers suffering in an oppressing communist regime. The joke is I am a horrible person. This was very competent, and well written RIGHT UNTIL where Vasha lost control of his bicycle. His death doesn’t feel like it fits in the theme of the rest of the story, and some of the stranger choices you made (such as the perspective shift) appear to have been done because you wanted to add that last line of the Russian curse, which doesn’t really work anyway. Can this be improved by including an irrelevant gay janitor? YES WHY DID YOU REMOVE HIM although I’m really glad you had him in another piece. Jagermonster – Pursuit of Honour I didn’t like either the perspective or the tense shifts in this story. It is still better than the original, which I didn’t realise until today that it was so anime that it involved two girls jumping off longboats in the middle of a thunderstorm over an ocean to swordfight, and one managed to kiss the other during that. A bit too much exposition in this, the Vikings have character but their actions make little sense: ERIK: “HONOUR” OLAF : “NO HONOUR” ERIK: “HONOUUURRRRRR” OLAF: “NOOOOO HONOURRRRRR” , but it served its purpose of rewriting poo poo into not-poo poo. Can this be improved by including an irrelevant gay janitor? I don’t really think Vikings were that much into hygiene and sanitation. Fanky Malloons 1. Consequences Definitely a vast improvement on the original. I thought the description of the unsettling nature of the townsfolk was quite all right, but the action sequence could be tighter, which resulted in a couple of tense issues (or what seemed like it but is due to sentence structuring matters). Not happy with a character’s “true form” breaking loose – how would Shep know that was her “true form”? 2nd out of 3 of the brawl. Can this be improved by including an irrelevant gay janitor? I want you to picture a rough, disgusting and hairy gay janitor mouthing the words sultrily, “I am Legion.” 2. The Shadow over Islamorado I’m confused about this piece. There are almost line-by-line identical sentences with the original. In fact, almost all the dialogue lines are identical. The only improvement I see is Bronco’s character being given an extra layer by being less open-minded in the original (who was happy to get it on with a post-op dolphin). Can this be improved by including an irrelevant gay janitor? Not really, since it’s a two-character piece. Maybe the janitor can be a jellyfish? Nikaer Drekin – The Deviant Machine Well, this informed me why 2012 me never bothered to read the original, which was horrendous for being a dumb joke stretched to 1500 words. I had the luxury of reading the rewritten version first, so while I couldn’t stand the hokey 80s sci-fi movie vibe coming out of almost everything (AI! SCIENCE!, the monosyllabic chattering of the robot, the clik-click-click-click, Sarah kissing Calvin who turned out to be the bane of all women – a hot gay man) which reads like a VHS tape of a bootleg Terminator movie, I appreciated the joke of the robot turning into a loving otherkin in love with an anime. Does the joke elevate the story to not being terrible? No, not really. There’s no foreshadowing and the action, such as Mike getting killed and Sarah going into The Matrix, are a little shoddy. I also don’t understand why Sarah wants to be an otherkin robot but like all 80s sci-fi movies, who the hell knows? Can this be improved by including an irrelevant gay janitor? You know, I probably would have preferred if the robot’s totem animal was a gay janitor and not an anime. Auroboks – Roadbumps This is definitely better than the original, and the change of focus to the presidential candidate was a good one. He could be a bit more agreeable and loved in the beginning during the Andy/Phil scene, but I like the sudden, almost off-hand reveal of his political beliefs. Unfortunately the climax of the Jamal confrontation just somehow does not work, with the two acting oddly (especially Jamal, who shouldn’t be allowed into his office in the first place and has no reason to leave at all when he did), and somehow ending with him shooting Jamal. I know you want that last part of the murder easily being explained away, but the action itself needs to be less abrupt. Can this be improved by including an irrelevant gay janitor? Well, Jamal coooouuuuld be a gay janitor and it still wouldn’t make a lick of sense for how he acts. Black Griffon – Sudden Loss This was, unfortunately, done in by the word count rule, because it made the latter parts (the pervert getting caught in a clothesline, the cop informing Marian the capture) stilted and sudden. I really do appreciate the effort in trying to turn an anime pervert poem into an actual story, as the first part was a good piece. Can this be improved by including an irrelevant gay janitor? Gay Reluctant Panty Thieves doesn’t really work, no. Fumblemouse – Tagged For Love Why did this end with a dream? It didn’t have to! It worked just fine right there to let us know that everything in this dystopian future was inane and depressing! This was in fact very competent up till that last paragraph which just detracts the whole meaning to be derived from the story. In fact this is textbook why “waking up from a dream” works badly most of the time. OH MY GOD I AM SO MAD AT YOU FOR THIS Can this be improved by including an irrelevant gay janitor? I’m just going to say you should make the girl a gay janitor because I want to spite you for making me mad reading a LA LA IT WAS ME DREAMIN story. Canadian Surf Club – The End of Us Nice idea of putting this in a spaceship with aliens, although I am not entirely sure how well the “We are Legion” line fits in here. Still fits better than the original! There are some issues with clarity and it is not as engaging as the other 2 entries, but it is a competent rewrite of what everyone assumed to be unredeemable and a valiant effort. Can this be improved by including an irrelevant gay janitor? Imagine a gay janitor that is made of a million pieces of gay janitor cells who can reform themselves and they bleed gay janitors rather than blood. Noah – Blue and Pink This is a nice character piece on Darcy, and I would have loved to see this during the Lucy/Darcy challenge. “This is how ugly I must look when I cry, Darcy thought.” is a good line, and the dialogue between the two are natural enough, but some parts deserve rewriting to allow for better flow and more introspection into Darcy’s character. The glaring mistake is when Darcy was deciding whether she was the mother of Lucy or the dead body which just did not make sense at all to me. And that genderbending thing which came out of nowhere. Goddamn. Can this be improved by including an irrelevant gay janitor? Not really, actually I would put you in the high pile if it weren’t for some technical issues. Bad Seafood – Ten Seconds to Midnight If we want to do the whole videogame route, I would probably have preferred it was more obvious from the language used by Brian and to emphasize that his actions are not very military-trained. This was almost line-by-line rewrite although the tank scene is much better. I think I have addressed, in the same week, that the nuke kills off action, and it does the same thing here so it fell into the same unfortunate trap. Can this be improved by including an irrelevant gay janitor? See, if the nuke was a huge nude gay dude falling into the battlefield… Martello – Solitaire I like the first part of the world building, but it’s probably because I’m a sucker for this sort of Warren Ellis like “the near future is technologically impressive but hosed up” thing. I found the latter parts where she started having issues with her virtual fuckbuddy to be a bit too long – in fact, the third portion of Philip and Chinese food can be removed without much consequence so long as you describe his constant smile during the complaints sequence, and the latter bit revealing Gary to be the phone sex worker can be stretched out a bit better. Can this be improved by including an irrelevant gay janitor? “I want my fucktoy to have a personality.” “We can make him gay and scrub your floors.” “I WILL TAKE TEN.” LOW PILE: Voliun – 250 This was disappointing, mainly because the original, whilst could be improved, was cleverly-written, had a fun gimmick and one of the most memorable pieces in TD. The problem appears to be that you latched on to identifying what could be a similarly clever idea to incorporate, and then made the mistake of choosing the word count, which (personally) is not very clever at all. The execution also doesn’t reflect the original, where the actual writing informs the gimmick. The only parts addressing the gimmick were the numbers which, as a reader, I won’t be bothered to calculate. Misplaced ambition, unfortunately. See my earlier critique above on systran’s piece re: cleverness. Can this be improved by including an irrelevant gay janitor? The gimmick is the number of boys the stereotyped gay janitor would pay to have sex with and I can’t remember where I’m going with this, but it was really clever right? perpetulance – Close Door Button The original was a problematic piece about a strawperson bugging a man in a lift to subscribe to new age ideologies, unintentionally making the protagonist an rear end in a top hat. I can appreciate you recognising that the man should be an rear end in a top hat, and you rightfully made him a gigantic PUA in this story. Everything is somewhat OK until the girl reacts with the “homeless person” line, and things go downhill from here. The major issue is, the limited setting of the piece is prime for making this a character study piece, but neither the original nor the revised version offer anything but two-dimensional characters. The characters’ actions do not make sense and I am just left cold. Can this be improved by including an irrelevant gay janitor? This is a two-character piece so I don’t really think so? Unless the girl turns out to be like Lucy/Darcy in Noah’s piece and it turns out she’s a janitor and a dude and gay. swamp waste - Cherry Job, rewritten as porno Not FYAD enough and doesn't reach the hilarious parodies that haomo and co does in the FYAD thread, and tries to insert a clumsy reference to a video game in the most low-effort way possible. It doesn’t work. Very disappointing. Can this be improved by including an irrelevant gay janitor? Anything would. crabrock: Yard Work 2 This is (a) a line-by-line edit and (b) somehow, loses the original intent of the story, which is to build a slow reveal that the yard work was being conducted because he murdered someone. The curtain has been drawn too early and whatever intrigue in the original was lost just in order to add some backstory. Do we need that backstory? (No.) Can this be improved by including an irrelevant gay janitor? Make them all gay janitors killing and burying each other make it a quantum paradox that threatens the fabrics of time and space. CantDecideOnAName: Sabotage This was the prime example of line-by-line editing because it fell into ALL the traps the original had, including the unnecessary exposition of the house, the characters describing their irrelevant functions (E.G. “Yes. I make a point to be five minutes early to every appointment, to make sure there’s a space ready for me. We don’t want to start recording and realize the acoustics in the room are bad, after all.” – this is unimportant and can be easily excised), and the stilted dialogue in the interview. The ending is much better than the original one, so I have to give you that. Can this be improved by including an irrelevant gay janitor? The house should be a gay janitor. They are all talking and living in a gay janitor. The gay janitor is the world and they are its playthings. The Saddest Rhino fucked around with this message at 18:20 on May 4, 2013 |
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May 4, 2013 18:18
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Fumblemouse posted:It wasn't supposed to be a dream. Now that you mentioned it I recall that you responded similarly when Beef or Sitting Here mentioned it. It does make the story better but it just wasn't presented clearly enough, hence my frustration at why it ended up as a dream.
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May 5, 2013 05:57
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Tentatively in
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May 14, 2013 03:42
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Bad Seafood posted:Saddest Rhino, Sebmojo, Radioactive Bears, Impermanent, and Black Griffon, you've also got a lot to answer for. I got ill and bedridden, it became hard to think 
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May 21, 2013 03:53
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I'm (once again tentatively) in because I like $.
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May 22, 2013 03:27
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Realised I got too ambitious with too little time for research and probably need more words, so I'm bowing out even though I like $ E: When I finish it i'll put up a new thread The Saddest Rhino fucked around with this message at 04:18 on May 27, 2013 |
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May 27, 2013 04:09
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PoshAlligator posted:But now I really want to do Grundman Lol do both So much virility in you.
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May 29, 2013 14:34
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MrFlibble posted:I hate writing well.
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May 30, 2013 15:41
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Yo SumatranMuffin let's THUNDERBRAWL and make Erogenous Beef our judge. You may actually win (FOR ONCE HAHA) if my work fucks me over and I can't write again!
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May 30, 2013 17:12
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Erogenous Beef posted:Muffin has accepted How Beloved Baby Rhino Fell into Despair; or, Sadness is a Blessing Where the rays of the sun shone the brightest and where the raindrops fell the least, there lived baby rhino in those so rare spots of the Borneo rainforests. There he slept and ate and played, child of his momma, the nicest old rhino you and I know, and all the rainforest knew her by baby rhino momma’s name. Shall I call baby rhino the sweetest thing? O, how I hope! Shall I call baby rhino the politest of all baby animals? O, how I wish! There are so many kind, nice and pretty words I would describe baby rhino, but alas, I am no liar, and I can’t, can’t, how I wish I could! For the momma of baby rhino, she was also the loveliest old rhino -- how much love she gave to baby rhino, perhaps just as much as how your own momma loves you! Once I asked her, “O momma of baby rhino, how much do you love your baby rhino?” and she answered, so sweetly and so gracefully, “I love him more than I love myself, and I will make him the happiest rhino of all Borneo, and allow neither darkness nor despair to enter his tiny beating heart.” And baby rhino’s momma she kept to her word, and how baby rhino he was, o, the happiest little rhino you know! He was given the finest of fruits and leaves to chew and chomp on, and his little bed was adorned with the finest feathers and shadiest leaves his momma could find. But o, the happiest little rhino you know, he too was the most spoilt little rhino you know! All baby rhino wanted, his momma would bring him with neither complaint nor scold. Never had baby rhino’s momma said to him “No!” nor had she said to him “Enough!”. How his insatiable wants would never be satiated! Baby rhino would yell at his long-armed uncle Orangutan for the ripest of bananas, and momma would make him jump to the highest trees. Baby rhino would scream at his aunt Tapir for the fattest of ant hives, and momma would make her dig underneath the thickest roots. Still baby rhino -- beloved little thing -- once he got what he wanted, he would still scream and yell. “Too slow!” said he. “Too little!” said he.  One quiet evening, baby rhino woke up in his little nest. “Food, food!” he cried, as he always did. But o beloved baby rhino, where had your momma gone to? Look for yourself outside your nest, outside your sweet, comfortable home, and you should see that she was nowhere to be found. Baby rhino hopped out, “food, food!” cried him still. But all that answered him were pretty, chatty birdsong, and spots of sunlight shining between the leaves. Baby rhino’s stomach made a whimper, and he walked to see his aunts and uncles and cousins for food. But o, baby rhino, he did not know how tired they grew of him! They were all not in, they were all just going out, and for cousin peacock, she was having her feathers pruned. Whimpered still did baby rhino’s stomach, and he walked away from their homes with his tiny huffs, letting his nose guide him. Sniffed did little rhino, and o! What unearthly smell was this? Baby rhino, who was blessed to never know terrible odours, o how intrigued was his curiosity! Ran he guided by the smell, and he stopped before a flower. And what a flower, dear astute reader! It was taller, much taller than baby rhino, leaflets of purple and green and white, surrounding a fat green stalk reaching out to the sky. It looked unlovely and foul, perhaps even more than its smell, like fruits left uneaten in the sun! “Sob sob sob,” the flower sobbed. “Who are you?” asked baby rhino. “What are you saying?” “I am crying!” the flower said. “For I have no happiness in my life!” “How do you not have so?” asked baby rhino. “Are you not blooming, and do flowers not find it joyful?” “Tall I may be, towering I may be,” the flower said. “But the bloom of I, corpse flower, is no joy! For I am terrible in look and smell, and soon it shall be no more, not for years and years to come!” Baby rhino laughed. “How silly!” he said. “Could you not ask your momma to give you your pretty looks, and a sweet odour, and blooms everyday?” “I do not have a momma to give me so! I have nobody, nobody, nobody!” “But everybody has a momma!” Baby rhino protested. “I have a momma who brings me everything!” “What if you do not have a momma anymore?” asked the flower. Baby rhino hopped back. “Momma would not leave? Momma loves me!” “What if she can’t come back to you?” Baby rhino, o what feeling was this, when happiness has escaped his life? Sadness! O such sadness of not having momma, such sadness of not having the life he once had! Sadness, like the sharpest and cruelest of knives, twisted and turned itself into little rhino’s heart! Baby rhino, o how fast and how swift he ran! Would momma no longer bring him fruit and leaves? Would momma no longer hug him to sleep? Would momma no longer comfort him with her large horn? He cried for momma, “Momma!” but momma did not answer. How little rhino, how he seemed to be the smallest thing in the whole wide rainforest! How the birdsongs, so pretty and chatty and melodic, now only reminded him that his problems were his own! How the plants grew without caring about the little rhino, how the animals ate and slept without caring about the little rhino, how the sun rose and set and the stars twinkled and dimmed, all without caring about the little rhino! O, beloved little rhino, how low have you fallen! Crawl, crawl, crawl you did under the comfort of the large, shady fallen banana leaves! Did you let darkness be your only friend? Did you retreat into your own world and allowed no one in? Did you think, think, think about all the thoughts you never thought you have had, did you despair and fear and agonise, did you feel yourself so helpless and useless? O, cry and weep and tear, scream and shriek and yell, which would you choose, o saddest little rhino?  Saddest little rhino! All day and all night he mourned his old life, when, ah, a miracle! Child of his momma looked up to a sound, and beneath the pale moon light was momma. “Momma!” Baby rhino cried and hugged her. “I thought you have left me” “Silly baby rhino,” said baby rhino’s momma. “I was just tending to your cousin peacock, who, foolish she, pruned her feathers too close to the rays of the sun and nearly had them all burnt.” And momma, she told baby rhino the story of silly cousin peacock, until he closed his eyes and slept. And momma, though she did not know why, saw that baby rhino had not tantrumed for what he wanted. And perhaps, perhaps, baby rhino, in being for so short a time a saddest little rhino, would he value more of the happiness of his life! And that shall we see, when we return to baby rhino and his momma. For now it’s time for other stories, and if you shall so enquire, perhaps I shall regale you of cousin peacock, and her feathers of flame and damnation. ---- Cultural references: 1. The Malaysian New Economic Policy is a major political point in the 2013 Malaysian elections - the policy gives more economic rights to "bumiputeras"/Malays & indigenous races, and there has been controversy due to people suggesting it to be removed due to it causing them to be complacent and entitled. 2. This is the Corpse Flower ---- NOTE: Muffin just mentioned on IRC he's facing some real life difficulties and I'm ok with the brawl being longer or not happening. Either way, I'm happy for Beef (and/or anyone else interested) to crit this. I've been out of the writing game for way too long. The Saddest Rhino fucked around with this message at 11:54 on Jun 2, 2013 |
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Jun 2, 2013 11:28
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Go ahead, people do it all the time.
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Jun 2, 2013 16:43
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Gender is naught but a social construct designed to imprison us in pre-determined roles in society lol
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Jun 3, 2013 13:25
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would someone crit my story 
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Jun 4, 2013 05:07
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Kaishai posted:Well, okay, since you showed me adorable baby rhinos. I know I already said it on IRC but thanks very much on the critique  Tense issues still seem like a giant problem I have, which this entry likely has more because i haven't written creatively for months. Also yes the narrator is a safari janitor.
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Jun 4, 2013 14:24
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Sure, I'm up for this (haha I have five meetings left to chair this week though)Martello posted:
I don't Know a single thing about American military, would I be severely handicapped?
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Jun 5, 2013 15:05
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Bonus option for this week
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old dog child posted:e: I want to try this, I'm having too much fun writing about trannies http://www.internationalhero.co.uk/d/danytran.htm ? E: I looked at the thread, I assume I need to avoid talking about aviation
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Jun 5, 2013 18:54
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Relevant: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBpDO45cJms
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Jun 11, 2013 13:54
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I had a pretty rough weekend but the long and short of it is that we just only got confirmation yesterday that my sister does not have cancer, sorry
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Jun 11, 2013 14:34
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Mercedes posted:Write what you know am I right fellas? Mercedes posted:Here's my entry 
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Jun 12, 2013 18:27
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 FLASH RULE (APPLICABLE TO ALL) : No traditional white weddings allowed unless you can make it interesting. Caveat: no monkeycheese humour.
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Jun 25, 2013 07:35
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crabrock posted:in the spirit of the three, can I get a flash rule from each judge? Nikaer Drekin posted:FLASH RULE: Your story must involve in some way a real person. And not "a real person" like your dad, somebody the reader could be expected to know about or at least easily find info on. Can be accurate to his/her life, can be wild and outrageous, I don't care. Flash Rule #2: Your setting shall be in a third world country and the culture/society of said country must be relevant to your story. For the avoidance of doubt, the United States of America is not a third world country.
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Jun 26, 2013 04:01
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Jeza posted:Write a birthday party invitation for a thousand-year-old rhinoceros who is a tour guide in your neighborhood Dear My name is Johnny Beemer and I would be very happy if you could come to my birthday party on 17 Augustt 2013 at 2.00pm at my house. It will be a garden party and I will be eight years of age. it Would be my pressure for you to grace us with your presence. The theme of the party is superheroes and you can dress up if you like. you can even be a super villain but if you are affended you can choose not to. I would per-sonally like it if you come as an iron man. maybe you should change your job! tour guide is so boring and anyway you do not even come from england, how could anybody expect you to do your duty effyshunly. maybe you should open a toy store. or maybe you can be a story teller about africa! people in england do not know much about africa. well we have the nigeria restaurent but that is diff deef not the same. daddy says they are an " " english abombination of culturel imperielisem and nothing like actual down into earth nigeria food" mummy would then hush and say maybe he would prefer nieglla lawson. she's pretty do you have a wife? you should bring your wife but it is ok if she has been dead for a long time since you are so old. anyway if you come i would be very happy! also bobby (who is my brother and 10 year old and a big moronious jerk) say you once ate the mom and dad of a neighbur and he got so dipresssed he went to the sea and tried to ride a peach to haiti. you should use your horn on bobby maybe up his bottom that would be highlarius!!!!! Daddy helped me with my invitation i would be very delighted and hope you will come! Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!! Johnny Age 8 (in 10 days!) Bath 
The Saddest Rhino fucked around with this message at 04:28 on Jul 8, 2013 |
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Jul 8, 2013 04:19
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Fanky Malloons posted:if anyone wants a more in depth critique than the one I've given here, PM me, or otherwise alert me to your desires, and I'll see what I can do. I know I spent 15 minutes conceiving and writing mine but not marking my paper is very rude, I am bringing this up as a matter for contention in the next parent teacher association meeting.
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Jul 10, 2013 05:05
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Fanky Malloons posted:Quiet you. You didn't even officially enter so I didn't know if it was legit or not! Also I kind of forgot. Grade it before I get my daddy to write a stern complaint letter to the White House, then you will see how small your role in society as an educator in elementary school is!!!!!!!!!
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Jul 10, 2013 05:21
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The Saddest Rhino posted:Grade it before I get my daddy to write a stern complaint letter to the White House, then you will see how small your role in society as an educator in elementary school is!!!!!!!!! 
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Jul 11, 2013 03:35
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Fanky Malloons posted:You need to learn to proof read. Your spelling and grammar is way below the level it should be if you are, as you claim, eight years old (in ten days). I'm never inviting you to any of my parties even if you dress up as an iron man!
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Jul 11, 2013 05:07
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Noah posted:Signups close in 12 hours. But probably like 6 because deal. lol in
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Aug 17, 2013 04:29
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George was the last dog. Hidden among the tall grass, metres away from the uneven roads leading into Rassgart. By the time he found it, the ground it lay on was thick and brown, grass dried with crusted blood. It was on its side, from its exposed wound its broken rib bones extending out to the greying skies, intestines spilling out and beset by flies. Its eyes were silver now, just like the little metal tag on its collar. George. Some pariah dog until that woman adopted it. Now it was just dead. All Alexei had to do was collect the carcass, and that was it. But yet, he could not. “You will catch those dogs,” Mayor Shah had said, when the police were beginning the shootings. “I will catch the dogs,” Alexei had answered. The radio the local police loaned him crackled to life. We got all the dangerous ones, we think, said the voice. Best guy in Rassgart will grab the rest. We’ll get to call it at five. Copy, said another voice. Less enthusiastic, more wearied. Any live ones? Negative, we put them all down. A pause. We had to. Dogs are dangerous, you see. “Dogs are dangerous,” announced Lee in a speech, anything but impassioned in truth but not in voice and stature. It was after prayers, which almost every person of Rassgart, young and old and weak and strong, attended. And all those persons, men and women and rich and poor, nodded their heads, agreeing with Lee, that the verses should be interpreted as he claimed, that dogs were dangerous and should not be trusted. Among those who nodded was Mayor Shah. For one brief second, the Mayor allowed his composure to drop, chancing a smile at Lee. The religious leader, voted into power by the Mayor, interpreter of new and stricter and more fundamental doctrines in the verses, acknowledged with a beam. “Let dogs not be part of our lives!” he announced, hands stretched out to the people beneath him, and they whooped and cheered and repeated his mantras, never questioning their truth nor veracity. Fine, just get rid of all the bodies, said the tired voice. I’ve still got to deal with mine. At least yours don’t need no paperwork. Alexei was ostracized, of course. Before Lee’s sermon, he was just that guy who was willing to touch stray dogs. Then he became that person. The apostate. Sometimes, he wondered if he, or the rest, were wrong. Most of the nights, he grabbed the cheapest swill from the corner lot and lay down in his room, among the roaches and the spiders, staring out of the bottom of an empty glass, wishing it showed anywhere but Rassgart.. Then the Majorie woman got herself arrested. After the sermons, a “concerned citizen” made a report on the town’s dog lady, adopter of strays and keeper of exotics. The police went to her house at the edge of the woods and took her away anyway, despite everyone knowing she was that eccentric woman with the dogs, even before Mayor Shah was elected, even before he came to town. They came in vans and cars and gathered around her house during the arrest, some kneeling to pray “for her soul” and others throwing rocks and rotten fruits. They made her spend a night in jail, disallowing her cousin to post bail until the next day. Listening to the news on the radio then in his van, Alexei breathed a sigh of relief, knowing the targets have shifted. A week later, the first report of a stray dog came in. Then there were two, and three, and the phones in the police station would not stop ringing. Someone reported pitbulls, which everyone knew was banned in the country even. It was when someone reported a “large, black lion eating a Chihuahua” that the police started gathering guns. People locked themselves and their children indoors, as the police found to their horror wandering Tibetan Mastiffs and Maeremma Sheepdogs and Rottweilers and Bull Terriers with trails of dead, smaller dogs in their wake. A squad car arrived at Majorie’s house and found the door wide open, the hall full of dog feces, blood and remains, open cages in every room, and Majorie seated in the attic, half her face pancaked on the wall behind her, the shotgun in her hand still warm to the touch. Within the hour Alexei’s phone rang, waking him up. He grunted, absent-mindedly kicking the empty bottle of vodka off the mattress. It rolled down the floor, dripping little drops of alcohol as he reached for his cell, tucked between a volume of Game of Thrones and a spunk magazine. Mayor Shah told Alexei Earl Sayle to get the dogs they have not killed. And here he was. A van full of terrified, barking dogs in cages, in a town that hated him but now needed him. Looking over a dog, once living off the street, taken into comfort by warm, loving hands, only to be thrown out and shot down, literally, like a dog in the street. And what was it all for? After he got all the dogs, what would that mean? Another batch of dogs to put down? A justification for the jihad against dogs for Lee? A new agenda for Mayor Shah’s next campaign? And what about Alexei? What did it mean for him? He looked down at George, the dead dog, quietly rotting on the ground beneath his feet. In years to come, Alexei would have forgotten George. He would have let all the dogs in his van out, skipped rent and town, drove as far as he could to the closest town before his gas ran out. He would have removed all the insignia of his dog catcher job from the van, gone into a diner and made two perfect fried eggs, and worked as their line chef for years. He would have found love, and perhaps he found wisdom. But at night, in between waking and dreaming, he would have that brief recollection, forgotten as soon as he rolled to hug his lover, of George, lying on the ground, his mouth moving as it whispered to Alexei his death rattle, All things must pass. The radio crackled, but Alexei was no longer listening. He looked out to the distant, behind him police sirens stopping, one by one, and before him the vast horizon being led to by the uneven road, away, away from Rassgart. Away from Mayor Shah’s town. The future was still uncertain. But it seemed less grey than the present. DOGMAN: The Bark Knight. (Approx. 1,110 words. Flash rule of "some fantasy element" complied with. Title courtesy Chillock.) The Saddest Rhino fucked around with this message at 03:20 on Aug 19, 2013 |
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Aug 19, 2013 03:18
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Haha, I'm still surprised I won but thanks guys! Mad props to Chillock for the title and story-improvement tips, Crabrock and Erogenous Beef for arranging Alexei E.Sayle to be the best dogcatcher, and Noah for being an amazing sport about it (plus giving me the win, can't forget that). Can't wait to see the Russgart Chronicles. THUNDERDOME WEEK 55 PROMPT For those of you out of school, have you ever wondered what your life would be like if you learnt something completely different? For those of you still studying, do you wish you could be doing a completely different field and maybe find out what you truly love? Well, this week's dome won't help you realise those dreams, but you can still do some escapism and write it into paper and kid yourself to be less sad about your life! Your task this week is to write a story about a School of A Certain Trade of Your Choice. The school must be one of people gathering together to learn something unusual or oddly specific. You may choose to write about the students, the staff, the teachers, the syllabus, or even the gay janitor or the campus dogcatcher. You could even describe the school itself like an Italo Calvino story as long as you make it interesting. Notwithstanding the above, the school cannot be a magical school and especially not Hogwarts. (Evidently, no fanfics thx) When you sign up, please include the full name of your school (which includes reference to the trade). If you cannot think of one, one of us (primarily Bad Seafood who thought up the prompt) will help you come up with a great school! If your trade is loving rubbish we will do that as a flash rule too. Also, your school cannot engage in a trade someone else has previously chosen so first come first serve! Co-Judges: Bad Seafood and Crabrock Word count: 1,500 Sign up deadline: 23 Aug 2013 (Fri) 11:59pm PST Submission deadline: 25 Aug 2013 (Sun) 11:59pm PST
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Aug 20, 2013 14:54
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Since it was at the tail end of the last page I'm reposting the prompt here: Haha, I'm still surprised I won but thanks guys! Mad props to Chillock for the title and story-improvement tips, Crabrock and Erogenous Beef for arranging Alexei E.Sayle to be the best dogcatcher, and Noah for being an amazing sport about it (plus giving me the win, can't forget that). Can't wait to see the Russgart Chronicles. THUNDERDOME WEEK 55 PROMPT For those of you out of school, have you ever wondered what your life would be like if you learnt something completely different? For those of you still studying, do you wish you could be doing a completely different field and maybe find out what you truly love? Well, this week's dome won't help you realise those dreams, but you can still do some escapism and write it into paper and kid yourself to be less sad about your life! Your task this week is to write a story about a School of A Certain Trade of Your Choice. The school must be one of people gathering together to learn something unusual or oddly specific. You may choose to write about the students, the staff, the teachers, the syllabus, or even the gay janitor or the campus dogcatcher. You could even describe the school itself like an Italo Calvino story as long as you make it interesting. Notwithstanding the above, the school cannot be a magical school and especially not Hogwarts. (Evidently, no fanfics thx) When you sign up, please include the full name of your school (which includes reference to the trade). If you cannot think of one, one of us (primarily Bad Seafood who thought up the prompt) will help you come up with a great school! If your trade is loving rubbish we will do that as a flash rule too. Also, your school cannot engage in a trade someone else has previously chosen so first come first serve! Co-Judges: Bad Seafood and Crabrock Word count: 1,500 Sign up deadline: 23 Aug 2013 (Fri) 11:59pm PST Submission deadline: 25 Aug 2013 (Sun) 11:59pm PST
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Aug 20, 2013 16:46
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Thunderdome Education Fund for Belligerent Authors Congrats, Chillmatic, for being enrolled in this scholarship programme. In order to not become an automatic loser and earn the ire of a few jerks on the Internet, your story must be at least 25% composed of dialogue (as I note that dialogue is an area of particular interest to you but your TD entries so far have none of those), and contain a credible number of terms used by drag queens, a helpful guide which can be found here. Further, Mercedes, as you have protested that government funding towards the bettering of polite minorities "doesn't make any sense", despite there being no indication that your school is a gov-funded one, your school must therefore BE government-funded and you will MAKE IT WORK. Thank you and we look forward to your contribution to this programme! The Saddest Rhino fucked around with this message at 05:33 on Aug 22, 2013 |
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Aug 22, 2013 05:13
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3 hours remain for sign ups officially
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Aug 24, 2013 04:51
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16 HOURS REMAIN
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Aug 25, 2013 16:01
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