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I'm new to Thunderdome, but I'm in. Posting as the 1995 Australian fellow who shot himself 3 times with a shotgun.
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May 31, 2013 05:45
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Got inspired, and put this together pretty quickly. Here's to a first time in Thunderdome. Not Man-Made 1,065 Words loving Spiders. loving spiders everywhere. First they’re just in the corner, but then, before you know it, they’re over by the chair. How’d they get across the room so fast? I could’ve sworn I’ve been watching them this whole time, and they never moved. Well, as long as they stay in the corner or over by the chair I’m ok with that. Actually, they’re starting to get to me a little. All those eyes, all those legs or arms or whatever they’re called. And those pincers… or mandibles I think they’re called. I just need to get out of here for a little while; I’ll go for a walk around the lake. That will clear my head, and by the time I get back, the spiders will be gone. They’ve got better things to do then hang around my place. Spiders have places to be, webs to spin, flies to catch, and all that jazz. I’ll just go for a walk. It’s a beautiful day, the sun is shining. A walk will do me a world of good. See, there are tons of people walking in the park. There are even a few people throwing the footy around. It’s a great day to be alive. I kind of wish this lake wasn’t man made though. There’s something not quite right about man-made lakes. I know that it’s just a man-made lake for a man-made city like Canberra, but still. All those contours are just that little bit too perfect. You’d never see a real lake with perfect crescent edges. I bet the bottom of the lake is perfectly sloped as well, and right in the middle is where the lake is the deepest. That’s the way I’d do it if I was designing a lake. It’s because we humans have no imagination. We think lake, and we think round, upside down snow globe. It’s kind of pathetic really. Not like those spiders, I bet you they create the most amazing webs. They don’t have this notion about what a web should look like; they just build it and let the web come into being organically. They’re probably gone by now from the house. Why would they even still be there, it’s not like there’s anything specifically spidery in the house to keep their attention. I’m glad my house is so close to the park, it lets me go for walks and see the lake, even if it is lacking in creativity. A lake is still a pretty thing to look at, especially when it’s surrounded by nature. I mean, you can still call it nature even when it’s well-manicured, and the trees are placed perfectly, and there’s a loving sidewalk running right through the middle of it all right? With picnic tables over there and a swing-set with screaming monkeys all over it and all that poo poo to make this little bit of nature as non-god-drat loving natural as possible. OK, just calm down now. It’s not that big a deal. It’s just people having fun. Just pick up the pace a little bit, get around this all too perfect lake, get home, see that the spiders are gone, have a drink or three and settle down for the night. It’s when you get angry like this that things go wrong. That’s why Jenny left you know. You can tell yourself it was because of the spiders, but you know that she actually left this morning because of the shouting. She just couldn’t take the shouting anymore. You’re always so loving mad about everything. So what if she didn’t cook so well. So what if she had put on a little weight. You’re hardly perfect, mate. You just couldn’t hold it in when she brought you tea in the wrong mug; you had to let her know didn’t you? That was the last straw. She picked up her purse and she walked out. You know she’s not coming back either, and you know she’s the only reason the spiders stayed away. They showed up not 5 minutes after she left. Crawling around in the corner, and then over by the chair. Something went wrong the moment she walked out the door, and it let all the spiders in. Now you’ve got to live with them. They’re going to be crawling around the house forever now. You’re dreaming if you think they’re just going to get up and leave on their own. Look, you’re coming up on the house now. The park is behind you now. Gone is the luxury of contemplating the creativity of the human race. Now it’s just you and the spiders. You and the spiders forever and ever. It looks like they’ve been busy. There are a heck of a lot more of them now, and webs everywhere. They’re not just in the corner, or by the chair, they’re on the table, on the walls, and even on the roof. Well, you’ve made your bed, and now it’s time to lay in it. An eternity of the spiders, crawling everywhere. Why not just become one of them? It’s not like there’s any point of a human living in a family of spiders. Yeah, that’s a great idea! If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Isn’t that what they say? Besides, they’re much more creative than humans. They go with the flow, not make perfect like parks for perfect little lives. You are missing a couple of limbs though. Better make some room for them. By my count, you’ve got four, but you need eight, and you’ll also need a couple of mandibles. So, time to make some room for those new limbs. Let’s see, just point the shotgun here, and pull the trigger. There, that’s perfect. A new space opened up for a new pair of arms. Probably should have made space for the mandibles first though. How are you going to cut the web-silk without mandibles, and how are you going to attach new limbs without well cut webbing. Let’s just load up again, and create space for the mandibles up here. Just one step left now. Time for the last pair of legs, and just one shell left. I think becoming a spider was the right choice. I’ll leave all the boring, lonely, uncreativeness of humanity behind. Bye-bye Jenny, bye-bye man-made lake. Just pull the trigger one more time. PotatoManJack fucked around with this message at 07:28 on May 31, 2013 |
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May 31, 2013 07:18
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Getting back to this a little late, but wanted to say thanks to Chillmatic for the critique of my entry for the strange death contest. I really did put it together from stream of thought, and needed to take more time for review. I really appreciate the in depth review of the story, and will take the feedback on board for my next entry, I think you're 100% spot on in that I write like I speak. Hopefully, I can only get better from this low base. I'm skipping this week, but will be back next time.
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Jun 7, 2013 00:53
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In Quote: "Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future." Let's do this thing
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Jun 12, 2013 01:39
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I was hoping to have more time to review and work on my entry, but I'm away for the weekend (It's Friday afternoon here in Oz), and will have limited access to email / internet. So, here's my Entry: Quote "Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future" Starting Over at the End - word count: 1,194 Michael tapped his foot in anticipation. He was getting out today. Three years in the joint because of a bad luck. He thought back on how he and Nathan had staked out the shop for an hour before going in. They had barely seen anyone go in or out. It should have been an easy job. In and out in under 5 minutes. No one hurt, and then they’d have a couple hundred in cash for the weekend. They had gone in hot, with their blades out. It was always best to go in with weapons out he reminisced. It kept everyone on their back foot. They’d never actually hurt anyone, it was about intimidation. Clerk had given up the register no questions asked. It was a chain store after all, not some mom and pop shop where the guy behind the counter cared about the money. Then it had all gone wrong. What were the chances that an off-duty cop that carried a piece would walk through the door right at that moment? If Nathan had been collecting the cash instead, he would have been the one to get busted. Nathan had been able to run past the cop before he could get his gun out. Michael had been the one behind the counter grabbing the cash out of the register. He’d had no chance to make a getaway. Michael tapped his foot a little faster. Nathan wouldn’t be the one to pick him up today; he was doing a stint up state for drugs. Billy had said he was free though. He had just finished probation, so he was allowed to spend time with ex-cons now. Hearing the guard’s voice call “Michael Stillwell?” stopped his foot tapping, and pulled him into the present. He stood automatically and confirmed his presence. Three years had ingrained this reaction in him. The gate to his cell opened, and Michael followed the guard down the corridor past the row of other cells. A fanfare of hoots and hollers that accompanied any prisoner being released echoed around him as he followed the guard down the catwalk. After the cell block it was through to a different holding cell, signing of paperwork, picking up what few belongings he had in storage, and then out to reception where Billy was waiting. Instead of his friend Billy, Michael found his brother David waiting. Michael hadn’t seen or even spoken to David in over 5 years. David had gone off to college to study business, and Michael, whose grades had never been great, had hung around town. David had always been the rising star of the family to Michael’s black sheep act. As Michael spiralled downward, David’s fortune seemed to do the exact opposite. Before long, Michael wasn’t even bothering to go to family events anymore where all he’d hear was how David was doing so well. At that point, David looked up from his chair and saw Michael. The two locked eyes for a long awkward moment, neither knowing what to say. David was the first to break the silence “Hi Michael, long time no see.” “What are you doing here? Where’s Billy?” “I bumped into Billy the other day, and he said he was coming to pick you up today. I asked him if he’d mind if I came to get you. He didn’t, and so here I am.” “Sure, whatever” Michael responded “Good to see you.” “Ready to go?” David asked, and with a nod of agreement, Michael and David headed out to the parking lot. David lead Michael to his car. To Michael it looked like some generic over-priced import, but the engine started with a meaty purr that met his approval. After a few minutes silence, Michael cut straight to what was on his mind “So what’s the deal? Why’d you pick me up today?” David took a deep breath before responding “I’ve got cancer, Michael. It’s the inoperable kind. Doctor says I’ve got between three and six months.” “I’m sorry, David, I didn’t know. That’s a bum deal.” David chuckled although there was no humour in it. “Yeah, a bum deal” David answered with an edge to his voice. “Well, what do you want me to do about it? What’s this got to do with me?” David shot back at him without missing a beat “I’m loving dying, and that’s all you can say? How about you pull your loving head out of your rear end and grow the gently caress up. Did you know that Mom and Dad are both in a home now?” He was met with a blank stare from Michael that confirmed his assumption. “Of course you don’t. They don’t even know who I am half the time when I visit. Do you know how much it costs to keep both of them in there? Of course not, you’re too busy getting into trouble with your jerk-off friends.” Michael sat stunned for a moment. He couldn’t recall having heard David ever speak that way before. After a few moments of quiet, David continued in a more level voice. “I’ve done ok for myself, but work always got in the way of personal relationships. I never had much time for family and friends, and was never much of a brother to you. Sure I was home for holidays, but that was as far as I was willing to go. Looking back now, I can see my priorities were pretty skewed.” Again, there was a pause, but this time it was Michael that broke the silence “Hey, I really am sorry about the cancer, and what’s been going on with mum and dad. I wish I’d known.” “I know you are Michael, and I know you do. Even if you did some dumb things, I truly think you always had a good heart. I’m kind of banking on it.” “What do you mean?” “Someone’s going to have to look after mum and dad, Michael. I’m not going to be around, and that leaves you. I’ve tried talking to cousin Patrick, but he’s got his own problems. Mom was an only child, and Dad’s brother Luke died two years ago. Michael, if you can’t step up to look after mum and dad, I don’t know what’s going to happen to them. I know they weren’t perfect parents, but they did their best.” “Yeah, they were always ok. Even when I was getting into trouble, they never gave up on me. They even visited me in jail when I first went in. I wondered why they stopped coming. I always thought it’s because they’d had enough.” David sighed before answering “I should have come to see you myself, but with work and mum and dad going downhill, I just couldn’t find the time. It’s a lousy excuse, and I’m sorry I was a lousy brother. I need you to step up now, Michael. Mum and dad deserve better than some government housing or the street.” Michael paused before answering. He considered David’s statement, and everything he’d learned that morning. Finally, with a quick nod and a hint of determination in his eyes, he answered. “Yeah, they do.” PotatoManJack fucked around with this message at 05:48 on Jun 14, 2013 |
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Jun 14, 2013 05:42
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Thanks for all the critiques. I know my story fell a bit flat, and think a couple of extra days would have helped for revision and removing my head from my rear end. In again this week Going with the good Game Theory stand by: The Prisoner's Dilemma
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Jun 18, 2013 23:29
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Going to have to drop out of this week's Thunderdome. I'm looking at my calendar and weekend and there's just too much on to put a decent effort in.
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Jun 20, 2013 02:48
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