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Flightless Bird 872 words The heat of the late afternoon sun beat down on Gete’s head as she walked, throbbing in time with the headache that pulsed behind her eyes. She was grateful, in a distant sort of way, for the clouds of dust kicked up by the feet of the column as it ebbed slowly across the baking sand. The particulates that hung in the dead air settled in her eyelashes and, if she kept her eyes slightly closed, tempered the painful brightness of the day. Gete looked down at the listless baby in her arms. She touched his forehead with the backs of her fingers and he moaned, turning his face away from her touch. The pale dust lent his dark skin a ghostly cast, lining the hollows that had developed in his face since her milk had finally dried up. It was all she could do now to make sure that Mehret had enough food and water to live on. A sob rose up from Gete’s chest and she swallowed it labouriously, dry tongue rasping against her dry mouth. It hung in her throat like a stone and she wondered if it would eventually mummify along with the rest of her. “Mama, I’m thirsty,” said Mehret, clutching a fistful of her skirt as he trudged along beside her. “I know,” Gete replied, her voice barely above a whisper, “we’ll be at the well soon.” “Will there be enough water this time? Lots of water?” Gete studied Mehret’s face, despairing at the shadows in his thin cheeks and the trust in his eyes as she lied to him, “Yes.” That evening as they camped beneath a small stand of acacia trees, the grandfathers killed a goat for them to eat. Their milk had dried up too, so there was nothing for the baby. Gete made sure Mehret was well fed, at least, but nevertheless, she felt the grandmothers eyeing her with pity as the baby turned his face away from the goat’s blood she offered on a fingertip, too weak now to even cry. Sighing, Gete cradled him against her breast and sang softly until he fell asleep. She swaddled him tightly and bundled herself, Mehret and the baby up in her blanket to sleep, not wanting the baby to feel cold or alone. Later, Gete found herself standing on the shore of a crystalline lake, its surface as smooth and clear as glass, the baby sleeping, swaddled in her arms. She waded out into it, taking care to keep the baby pressed to her chest as she squatted and used her free hand to scoop up the cool, blue water. Gete drank and drank. The cold sweetness of the water made her skin tingle as it flowed through her body, down to her fingertips and toes, up into her scalp. She looked down and let water drip from her fingers on to the baby’s lips. “Wake up, Bebe,” she coaxed, “drink,” but he remained resolutely asleep. A movement beside Gete caught her eye, and she looked back at the water to see a flamingo standing beside her, bill in the water, looking up at her with a knowing eye and its strange upside-down grin. Standing upright Gete saw that the whole lake had become an ocean of jewel-bright pink. Flamingos covered the water’s surface as far as the eye could see, clucking softly amongst themselves as they raised and lowered their bills, feeding in the water. The flamingo next to her raised its head, and Gete stared at it, open-mouthed with wonder. It looked back at her for a moment before turning away and opening its wings to take flight. Its movements seemed to trigger a chain reaction in the others, and without warning, the thousands of flamingos around Gete took flight at once. She gasped as her entire body was surrounded by the rushing of wings, soft feathers brushing days of dirt and dust from her skin as they passed by. Her vision filled entirely with bright, endless pink for a moment, and she wanted to drink it in with her skin, to paint it on the backs of her eyelids so that she would never lose that perfect, beautiful colour. The bundled baby stirred suddenly in her arms and Gete looked down in surprise to see a small flamingo struggling against the swaddling. “Oh!” Gete gasped, “I’m sorry!” She hurriedly unwrapped the baby blankets, dropping them in the water, “Wait!” she called to the others, “don’t leave him behind!” Holding the little bird with both hands, she heaved it upwards into the cloud of flamingos passing over her head. She smiled as she saw it spread its wings and catch the air, disappearing into the flock. Gete pressed her hands together as she watched them disappear. She could still feel the little one’s heartbeat in her palms. In the morning, they buried the small, sad bundle at the foot of one of the acacias. He wasn’t old enough for a name, so Gete had one of the grandfathers carve a bird into the trunk of the tree. They rounded up the goats and kept walking, heading towards the next well, Gete holding Mehret’s hand so that her own felt less empty.
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Mar 18, 2013 04:48
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Some Strange Flea posted:"This week's Loser is Baudolino", he says, and the Dome chants in unison "yeah no loving poo poo". Kleptobot comes in at n-1th. "Sorry, bro" Excellent, now I can pretend that the reason I haven't been participating lately is not because I'm a lazy jerk, but because I wanted to give other people a chance to win 
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Mar 19, 2013 15:31
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Martello posted:A balloon Dammit Martello, I was going to change my username to something else entirely so that everyone in the thread who has asked me that at some point looks dumb AND YOU RUINED IT.
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Mar 19, 2013 15:59
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Noah posted:This is what happens when you don't get a prompt out in time. Looking at you Fanky. Hey. Noah.   WEEK 33: THE IDES OF MARX Alright, bitches, I'm already tired of reading your sorry efforts at storytelling, so this week we're cutting the wordcount in half, at least. You have a 500 word hard maximum; however, my fellow judges and I want to make it known that those who submit tight pieces in less than 500 words will be looked upon more favourably than those who use up the whole limit. Since you're going to be working with a more restrictive word count than usual, the prompt is fairly open - you must use the following quote as inspiration, and your entry must have a clear narrative arc. No stream of consciousness bullshit, kthx. "The tradition of all the dead generations weighs like a nightmare on the brain of the living."~ Karl Marx The idea here is to challenge you to say more with less, but still tell a good story. Write me some really loving efficient prose, yo. Sign-up deadline: 11:59 AM EST (AKA NOON), FRIDAY, MARCH 22 Submission deadline: 11:59 PM EST (AKA MIDNIGHT), SATURDAY, MARCH 23 Your judges this week are the following righteous bitches: Me, SittingHere, Kaishai Supplicants: Erik-Shawn Bohner HiddenGecko BlackFrost JuniperCake Noah (FR: 400 words) SpaceGodzilla Dr. Klocktopussy HaitianDivorce ErogenousBeef Nubile Hillock (BEEF JERKY) pug wearing a hat Systran CancerCakes (SFR: 15%/75 words = dialogue) Sebmojo (BEEF JERKY) Jeza steriletom SpaceGodzilla Down With People fumblemouse Baggy_Brad livethepostmetal Will Styles Fanky Malloons fucked around with this message at 17:55 on Mar 22, 2013 |
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Mar 20, 2013 04:05
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HaitianDivorce posted:First draft's done and under the limit. Think that means I'm in. Don't you dare submit it until you've edited the poo poo out of it  Noah posted:Also, in. Good. Since you're feeling so pugilistic lately I'm sure you'll be pressed for time, so I'm Flash Ruling that your max word count is 400. You're welcome.
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Mar 20, 2013 12:35
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Argh, fucksticks, quote =/= edit.
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Mar 20, 2013 12:36
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CancerCakes posted:Self Flash Rule My story must be at least 25% dialogue by word count. I'm going to give you a chance to re-think this, because if 125 of your 500 words are going to be dialogue, you'd better be really, really awesome at literally every other aspect of story telling, since you'll only have 375 words to spare on them. Edit: Also, Jeza are you in for the 'Dome or just for the brawl?
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Mar 20, 2013 16:58
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Steriletom posted:First draft at 530 words. Going to make a go of trying to cut this mother down to 400. You know that the 400-word flash rule was specific to Noah though, right? You and everyone else have 500 words.
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Mar 21, 2013 23:37
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Alright, entries are closed. You have 36-ish hours to submit OR DIE.
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Mar 22, 2013 17:54
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I'm going out to get drunk, and you better all have posted your entries when I get back. You have 4 hours and 8 minutes, or maybe more depending on how charitable I feel when I get home later. But don't bet on that, k?
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Mar 24, 2013 00:52
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So, I just woke up and I don't know what's going on here, but I don't like it. Obviously, submissions are closed as of like, 14 hours ago. Jeza, I'll let your late entry slide because I admire your fiery rhetoric, and because I couldn't be bothered to post that subs were closed when I got home at like 3.30am. The following people suck big giant donkey dicks: Down With People Dr. Klocktopussy BlackFrost JuniperCake I'm going to finish grading some first-year sociology papers to get me in the mood for judging y'all. Expect judgement at some point before tomorrow, after I've conferred with my fellow judges and can stand to look at a computer screen for more than 40 seconds at a time.
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Mar 24, 2013 18:45
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BlackFrost posted:*unless I'm like barred from participating for a while or something, I dunno how missing the deadline works. No, it's cool, people who sign up but don't submit just get called names and poo poo. Toxx away! Reading the entries now, judgement, name-calling etc will occur....when I'm done.
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Mar 25, 2013 01:43
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 JUDGEMENT IS UPON YE My fellow judges and I put our ovaries together during a prolonged bitching session and decided the following: THE WINNER: Nubile Hillock: There was some contention as to whether you or Jeza was going to get the win, but since I am a total nerd and love insects, I called executive privilege and gave you the crown, you're welcome. Honourable Mention: Systran: An amazingly tight story for being under 300 words, and pretty great improvement on the efforts that got you a losertar. THE LOSER: Cancer Cakes: Seriously dude, what the gently caress. Part of this is because I hate that painfully self-aware, funny-but-not-really style you've got going on there, but most of it is because it sucked. Dishonourable Mention: Will Styles: Congratulations on writing a much more cliched, tl;dr version of Billy Elliot. Bravo, fairy. AS an aside: pug wearing a hat, I have a total thing for conceptual writing, so I enjoyed your piece. However, it was hard to judge it against the others since it was so different. Thus, you neither win nor lose, I just wanted to point out that I thought it was cool. I believe critiques from Kaishai and SittingHere are on their way, however I won't be able to provide critiques for a while because I have a ton of really retarded poo poo to do next week that is probably going to make me super rage-y, and you really don't want me to crit your poo poo in that frame of mind. However, I hereby  myself that I won't enter another TD until I've finished providing crits for this week's entries. If I fail, I will buy myself an avatar of shame.
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Mar 25, 2013 04:03
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Noah posted:I blame Fanky for everything wrong in life. I wanted to make a snarky comeback, but this is probably quite true. I am literally the worst. Deal with it.
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Mar 27, 2013 01:46
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Time for some critiques!Noah posted:A Fine Day There are myriad problems with this piece, least of all the fact that despite only using 375 words you still managed to include so many that were completely redunant. You're abusing the word 'and' horribly here, it's almost always uneccessary every time you use it. Imagine how many extra, good words you could have used if you had taken out all of needless repetition and the useless instances of "and". You could have built up some believeable tension to break when John throws the rock at the end, and made it more clear what exactly was going on. Who is marching in the parade? Who is watching? Why do they end up rioting? Why should we care? I actually like idea contained in the third paragraph, because the little kid thinking he can burn up the men with his mind is a good instance of characterisation that makes John seem like more than a paper cutout, but tell me what's wrong with this sentence: "He envisioned heat, shimmery and wavy, rising off his body like pavement in summer." The fact that you didn't proofread well enough to catch the stray 's' that indicates John has multiple fathers makes me think that most of the problems in this are just due to lazy writing, because I'm pretty sure that you can and have done better than this. SpaceGodzilla posted:The Living Your story was okay in the sense that it had words and correct grammar and elements of a story. However, it was really boring. I mean, if you were using that as a device to show us how monotonous and dull Ichiro's life is/was then well done, but I suspect that wasn't your intent. You know the phrase "show don't tell"? You're literally telling us things that Ichiro has been told by other people. Don't tell me that Ichiro has a routine that's utterly soul-destroying, show me what the routine is and why it's so awful. Reminisce about how his father, grandfather and father-in-law committed suicide. Describe Ichiro's broken, paralysed body waiting for death in the ravine. Anything but telling me the most mundane details you can think of. Also, some of your sentences just scream "please take me seriously, I am a serious writer," like this one: There was a paltry coating of moss on it, mindlessly attempting to endure on the barren remains. Congratulations, you can use big words to make coherent, yet uninteresting sentences. Next time, use shorter, less pretentious ones and do something dynamic with them. Erik Shawn-Bohner posted:This Land is Your Land And now I'm done because I'm sick and trying to watch a movie and this is taking way longer than I thought because concentrating is hard.
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Mar 31, 2013 04:11
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MORE CRITS HaitianDivorce posted:Starstuff That said HaitianDivorce, I didn't hate your story. I thought it was a cool interpretation of the prompt, but the execution left a lot to be desired. Fumblemouse posted:Hard Computation This seems to be one of those pieces that would benefit from being longer, however I'm really not into the coldness of the voice. It's detatched to the point where it's offputting - if the narrator doesn't really care about what's happening then why would you expect the reader to? Nubile Hillock posted:Tallgrass Obviously I don't have very many complaints about this one, since you won. However, for readers who aren't giant nerds, it's kind of difficult to even figure out that you're talking about insects, let alone what is actually going on. The word "Everbreath" in particular threw me off on the first readthrough, and I think it's probably unecessary especially when there's already so much other stuff that the reader is trying to figure out. I'm not actually sure if I want you to play up the insects so it's more obvious, or play it down even more so it seems like actual people doing really weird things. Either could be pretty cool, I reckon. pug wearing a hat posted:Private Browsing This one is obviously difficult to do a line-by-line of, but I enjoyed it a lot. I think you did yourself a disservice though by submitting a conceptual piece, because it was difficult to judge against everyone else's. However, I appreciated it because I harbour a secret desire to do a conceptual prompt someday so it's nice to know that at least some of you are into that sort of thing. I would probably have ordered the data in the opposite way to make it easier to read, if only because the reader's natural inclination is to read from the top down and not the other way around.
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Apr 2, 2013 01:00
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Martello posted:holy poo poo like 100 posts...gently caress you guys gently caress you for abandoning the thread long enough for it accrue 100 new posts YOU JERK
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Apr 2, 2013 23:02
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WOO MORE CRITSSteriletom posted:The Sixth Republic Technically, there's very little wrong with this - no huge grammar/spelling/syntax errors that stand out to me or anything. I know you were trying to cut it down more, and I can definitely see some spots that would benefit from being trimmed - in the third paragraph for example, you could cut pretty much everything after the line about insourcing. With things like that, what you mean is evident enough since we all know the term "outsourcing", so it's a waste of text to then go into an explicit explanation of what the term means. The story as a whole fell kind of flat to me because I think you missed a great opportunity for some political satire. The line I quoted is one place where you could have just run away with the idea of the rich reforming themselves out of existence but you played it straight instead and it just didn't work as well. Baggy_Brad posted:Aware 494 words I'm not going to lie, I hated this a lot. I don't think the perspective works at all with what you're going for because the narrative voice ends up being too inconsistently and unbelievably self-aware. Lines like "I want to say "Tomorrow", but I don't have a noise for this" don't make logical sense, and they're just cringeworthy because of it. If you're writing a story where a character has no word for "tomorrow" then how the gently caress do they know words/concepts like "empathy", "comprehend", and "fossick"? Also, it's not clear what kind of creatures these guys are supposed to be - I'm assuming early hominids based on the whole blooming-consciousness thing you're shooting for? livethepostmetal posted:The Procession
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Apr 4, 2013 20:44
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Oh man, I can't not do this prompt. Guess I'd better finish my crits from like 2 weeks ago or something.
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Apr 9, 2013 15:38
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Sitting Here posted:Get in Fanky or I'll ban you from the club house. I didn't say I wasn't in, girlfriend.
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Apr 9, 2013 21:42
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OKay, here are the rest of my crits from whenthefuckever. Doing these was like having needles shoved under my fingernails because you can never understand how loving lazy I am, so you better appreciate it CancerCakes posted:Agnatic-Cerebratic Succession It's hard for me to put my finger on why I hated this so much, it's pretty technically sound, but the content is just...ugh. Right from the beginning you're beating the reader over the head with the fact that you're building up to some kind of punchline, and your apparent knowledge of headlines about the Royal family. It's just so unsubtle, it assumes the reader is literally retarded and it makes me want to vomit with rage. For example, this line: “Harry, my boy, I would like to pick your brain: have you ever wondered how my grandmother, The Queen Mother, lived to 101?” Why the hell does Prince Charles, heir to the throne, need to explain to Prince Harry, his son, second in line to the throne, who his own great grandmother, the Queen Mother, mother of the Queen of England is? Erogenous Beef posted:Xlendil Will Styles posted:Metamorphosis systran posted:Ex Cathedra HiddenGecko posted:The Brine Vats PS: Don't think I didn't notice you switching tenses after the first paragraph, you jerk. sebmojo posted:Birdsong
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Apr 10, 2013 03:32
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Since I was bummed to miss the smalltown horror prompt way back at the beginning of the thread, I have decided to re-write that week's losing entry The End by forums user Jonas Salk
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Apr 10, 2013 04:05
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Martello posted:
So if we're feeling fancy/procrastinating on our final papers of undergrad really hard, can we enter twice?
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Apr 11, 2013 03:59
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BEHOLD, Jonas Salk's 739 words of bilge turned into 836 words of literary excellence, with the original first line intact, per Nubile Hillock's request: Consequences It was cold in the freezer. Shep’s lungs burned with it, icicles forming in his alveoli as he watched the handle of the door. The thick steel blocked any sound from the other side, but Shep knew that they were out there, and that they knew he was in here. He waited, clenching and unclenching his fists so that the blood on his hands wouldn’t stiffen his skin as it froze. The robbery had not gone well. That strange municipal bylaw mandating that buildings built by outsiders could only have one exit had seemed so easy to take advantage of. Considering how docile the locals were, they should have been easy to take advantage of too. Shep had never come across a group of people who were so agreeable. They all ate the same thing every day, the same groups coming in for the same burgers at the same time. Some of them even finished each other’s sentences. Nice as they were, and they were always so very nice, there had always been something about them that tugged at the very back of Shep’s mind. Some primitive instinct sensing a whispered sense of wrongness about this whole drat town. Something about the way that their smiles didn’t seem to reach all the way to their eyes. Or the feeling he sometimes got when he walked out of the kitchen to take an order at the counter that they had just been talking about him. He usually ignored it, assuming it was merely some last vestige of his conscience protesting against his master plan. He understood now. As he stood alone in the freezer, his breath coming in ragged clouds while he waited for one of them to throw open the door and make it his tomb, Shep finally understood. “Shep?” Jeff had asked as the crew entered the restaurant and took their positions, “Are you sure about this?” For a moment the whisper in Shep’s mind has risen to a shout, but he forced it into silence, clapping Jeff on the shoulder and propelling him towards his designated spot by the bathroom, “Of course I am. We’ll be in and out, no problemo.” No problemo. The door handle started to turn and then stopped. Shep strained to hear what they were saying beyond the door, even though he knew it was useless. Without taking his eyes off the handle, Shep reached slowly for his gun. “Listen up guys,” said Shep loudly as he strode to the counter and drew his gun, signalling the others to do the same, “this is a robbery.” The buzz of breakfast-time chatter in the restaurant ceased instantly as the patrons and employees had all turned, almost as one, to stare placidly in Shep’s direction, and the shout in his mind rose to a shriek no NO get out getoutnow. Unnerved by the silence, Shep eyed the door, which was now directly in front of him. The only way in or out of the building. They usually robbed businesses in the early morning because there were fewer witnesses that way, less chance for things to get messy. That meant that the restaurant was almost empty, only a few customers and a skeleton crew of employees on the opening shift. Maybe he could just walk right back out. “Oh, Shep,” said Barb, the shift manager, from behind him. He flinched. “That was a bad decision.” One of the customers sitting near the door, old Mr. Atkins, who Shep had always assumed was as stupid as he was ancient, stood up and closed the door. The lock clicked loudly in the silent restaurant and Shep knew that things were going to end very, very badly. He closed his eyes in time to avoid witnessing Rosie, the seventeen year-old waitress, tear off Jeff’s head, but the gush of arterial spray spattered his hair, face, coat, and hands. As he turned and vaulted over the counter, Shep saw Barb’s skin start to peel back as her true form exploded out of her human body. The door began to open and Shep backed up, steadied himself against the wall so that his shaking legs wouldn’t throw off his aim, and emptied his gun into the creature that entered the freezer. It laughed in Barb’s voice, shaking the bullets off as if they were no more than balls of paper shot through a straw. “Hello Shep,” it said pleasantly, “sorry about your friends.” “Please,” whispered Shep, shaking his head, still holding his gun out in front of him, “Barb. Don’t.” The creature laughed again, “I think you know better than that, Shep.” It stepped closer, “I’m not Barb. I am Legion.” It reached towards Shep and gently took the gun from his hands. He didn’t resist. “Don’t worry Shep, this isn’t the end for you. Think of it as a new beginning.” It stooped so that its face was level with Shep’s and looked into his eyes, “I am Legion,” it said again, “and so are you.” ETA: I EDITED OUT AN ERRANT COMMA, WHAT OF IT. 
Fanky Malloons fucked around with this message at 02:51 on Apr 14, 2013 |
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Apr 14, 2013 02:38
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I just realised that I totally missed the fact that I was competing in a revision-off with Kaishai and CanadianSurfClub. I somehow missed the page of the thread where they picked the same piece and then I guess Sitting Here assumed I just wanted to join in their revision party because I legit didn't even know I had picked the same story to re-write as two other people. Man, I'm retarded. 
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Apr 14, 2013 15:45
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Sitting Here posted:I thought about that, but picking that story means you weren't fervently re-reading my prompt post I never said I disapproved of the situation, so go right ahead SEE IF I CARE. Also, here's my other entry, suck my dick Martello: The Shadow over Islamorada V2.0 717 words (original: 619) Serene Azure was breathtaking. Bronco watched her watching him, and shifted uncomfortably in his chair. Her liquid violet gaze was bold and direct, unapologetically taking in every aspect of his body. Bronco felt naked, suddenly very aware of all the flaws inherent in his original, unaltered humanness. Serene crossed her legs, trailing her perfect big toe up the crease of his pant leg. Bronco tried not to look down, distracting himself with the fact that Serene Azure had once been Jeffrey Stoltz from Miami Beach. He looked at the feathered gills on her neck instead, but even those had a strange, otherworldly grace about them. It seemed that the only trace of Jeffrey that remained here was on paper. “Mr. Halligan,” Serene purred, “good to meet you.” She leaned forward in her lounge chair and offered a hand. Bronco shook it. Her skin was altered, dark and slick and perfect, and he wondered how his thick, calloused palm felt to her. “You come highly recommended,” Serene said. She kept hold of his hand and stroked it gently, running her delicate fingers over his bulging knuckles. Her voice was lovely, finishing school dipped in honey and palm oil. Bronco scowled and yanked his hand back. “They always say that. What’s the job?” He scratched his shoulder, painfully aware of the fresh muscle graft scars under Serene’s stare. “Straight to the point, I like that.” Serene smiled, “How much do you know about me?” She snapped her fingers and a butler drone rolled over. She took a Cuba Libre from the drone’s platter-arm but didn’t offer Bronco anything. “You’re a trust-fund baby.” Bronco looked out, past the yacht’s rail, two miles of Caribbean to Islamorada’s white sand beaches. He frowned and took a flask of El Espolon out of his pocket. “You were a jock, on the high school diving team, but you always wanted to be a lady. When your parent’s boat went down near Key Biscayne, you bought yourself the most bleeding-edge genetweaks and biosculpts on the market.” Bronco opened the flask and took a sip, feeling those weird, purple eyes on him all the while. He missed the Jersey Shore. “Pretty accurate, except for the boating accident.” Serene reached her Libre across the little cocktail table to toast Bronco’s flask. “And you never wear clothes,” Bronco swallowed his tequila. “What do you mean, ‘except for the boating accident?’” “That’s the job.” Serene tapped her tapered, painted fingernails against the rim of her glass. “I’ve found my parents’ murderers, and I want you to kill them for me.” “Okay.” Bronco swished his flask and looked up, meeting Serene’s gaze. “You know my usual fee, right?” “Oh yes,” Serene leaned forward, biting her full, pouty bottom lip. “And I can offer you fifty percent extra if you do something else for me afterwards.” She smiled again, making something inside Bronco stir. “You’re still one hundred percent human, right? A virgin?” Bronco took a large swig of tequila and grunted an indistinct answer. He could feel the flush creeping up his neck. A virgin? Jesus Christ, these people. She was beautiful though. Jeffrey, he thought, she used to be Jeffrey. He cleared his throat, changed the subject. “Give me whatever you have, photos, addresses, whatever.” Serene raised her eyebrows, “You don’t want to know how I know they murdered my parents?” “No. In fact, I don’t want to know anything. At all.” Bronco hauled himself out of his chair, itching to escape Serene’s naked interest. “I’ll send everything to your phone.” She tipped her head back, downing the rest of her drink. Bronco found himself staring at her throat, watching it move as she swallowed. He closed his eyes. “Good. I’ll come back here when I’m done. Give me two weeks.” She stood and they shook hands again, and the oilslick curves of Serene’s body filled Bronco’s mind for the hour-long flight back to Miami in his rented rotor-drone. Ten days later, the job done, another rented drone carried Bronco to Serene’s yacht, this time anchored off Key Largo. While Serene had deposited his main fee into Bronco’s account already, the remainder had to be collected in person. She really was beautiful, though. Having never considered himself desirable, he tried to think of it as just another job.
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Apr 14, 2013 18:13
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So now I'm judging you against Kaishai and CSC, you can't stop me bahahaha.
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Erogenous Beef posted:I'm going to try to crit these as well as I can. This was loving painful, as many of you picked horrific stories to revise. Do you fuckers realize we have to reread all of those, plus all the new sewage flowing into the judgement pond? I was going to tell you that this is your own fault for volunteering to judge, but then I remembered that SittingHere didn't give you a choice, so don't blame us, blame her.
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Apr 15, 2013 23:32
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Erogenous Beef posted:I spotted a few places where you had your tenses mixed up. FUUUUCK. Literally the worst mistake, because I loving hate it when other people do that  Thanks for the crit, dude. I think I didn't commit enough to what I was writing, because it was someone else's idea rather than my own. I'll be interested to see what you think about my other entry!
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Apr 16, 2013 00:41
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The Saddest Rhino posted:I WAS SO MAD READING THOSE TENSE SHIFTS LOOK, I ALREADY SUCIDED ABOUT IT WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT
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Apr 16, 2013 01:36
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Noah posted:Nah, that's what I'm talkin' bout. Does this mean I also have to judge? I'm down, but fair warning, I'm in the middle of writing final papers and hating life, so my base-level of screaming harpy is more elevated than usual. I'll throw down a prompt later, when I think of one.
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Apr 17, 2013 15:17
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Martello posted:
Indeed. THUNDERBRAWL: MARTELLO vs NOAHPrompt: A character steals an item from the lost and found and suffers the consequences Caveat: You each must write in the style of the other. That means, Noah your entry must feature a dystopian cyber-punk setting, possibly with miltary or ex-military personnel. Martello, your entry must be grounded in the real world and the minutiae of daily human life. Words: 800-1000 Deadline: You can have until 9pm EST Saturday (April 20th), because even if you post it earlier, there's no way I'm going to read it before then.
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Apr 17, 2013 16:18
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THUNDERBRAWL JUDGEMENT TIME: MARTELLO vs NOAH First, some critiques. You bitches better be grateful, because I am lazy and hate doing this poo poo: Martello posted:The Watch This was a pretty good effort. I enjoyed the setting and the overall story arc and you're really good at dialogue, which I appreciate. However, I'm not sure if this takes on the spirit of the rule about writing in someone else's style because it's still very Martello in the way that the characters think/talk/act. Realtalk: You seem to have this weird fixation on female bodies/sexuality that rarely escapes coming off as creepy at best and outright misogynistic at worst, and it annoys the poo poo out of me so could you please stop kthx. Like, basically, if it would be super weird for you to write that way about a dude, probably you shouldn't write that way about a woman, just FYI. Noah posted:Finders Keepers I thought that this was pretty tight and well done, you have a habit of using a lot of redundant words/phrases, and I didn't find very many instances of it here, though you did have a few instances of really awkward phrasing that you should learn to watch out for. I liked the little cyberpunk details at the beginning, but I felt that you didn't really carry it through the rest of the story beyond mentions of what the characters themselves were carrying - the school they're in could have been any regular school and so that kind of took away from the setting, but I suppose it highlights the difficulty of world-building or something like that. Also, your lost-and-found thing is a tiny bit suspect, because I feel like it was almost incedental to the story. Anyway, good job overall. Tl;dr THE RESULTMuch as it pains me, I have to give this win to Noah. While it was much more difficult to judge whether or not Noah displayed a significant departure from his usual style due to him being generally more diverse in what he writes to begin with, Martello proved himself to be firmly married to certain stylistic quirks/character tropes that just he can't seem to shake off. In addition, Martello's story had some logical issues and a weak ending, whereas Noah's effort seemed much tighter overall, even if I question the sincerity of his use of the prompt. Well done, Noah, now please stop brawling people and go outside or something okay.
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Apr 21, 2013 19:46
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Some of these self-made prompts sound really amusing, and I've been a lazy rear end in a top hat/bumming around in the desert lately, so I will offer my judging services if you want them SittingHere? I predict I will regret this life choice at least as much as usual. Also: EgoEgress posted:Describe the secret house of a sneaky lawyer who invents a spaceship to go to Pluto.
Fanky Malloons fucked around with this message at 21:59 on Jul 2, 2013 |
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Jul 2, 2013 21:56
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Baggy_Brad posted:It's been a while, but seeing that Fanky is judging I am in. My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Mercedes posted:
EXCUSES ARE FOR CHUMPS, STFU.
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Jul 3, 2013 22:36
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I had computer problems!
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Martello posted:Happy birfday Thanks brah. A NOTE ON THIS: Since it is my birthday,and I am a judge, I expect all of your stories to be loving beautiful gifts or else.
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Jul 4, 2013 04:01
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Toanoradian, Steriletom, Nubile Hillock, Perpetulance, and Voliun all get detention for not completing their assignments. Those punk-rear end jerks.
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Jul 8, 2013 17:07
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Nubile Hillock posted:hey, I was the first to submit you jerk! Whatever, keener. As a supply teacher, I believe I am totally allowed to kick your rear end behind the bike sheds at recess
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Jul 9, 2013 00:47
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For the first time ever, I had all of my critiques completed before Judging was rendered  Here they are, and because I am feeling exceedingly generous today (and also I feel bad for the people I critiqued last, because I was getting really lazy), if anyone wants a more in depth critique than the one I've given here, PM me, or otherwise alert me to your desires, and I'll see what I can do. S. Muffin: A- Prompt: Write a futuristic story about an obnoxious shaman who is looking for an invisible door. Tightly written, very nice. The only real comment I have is that you’re generally so good at descriptive language that when you miss the mark it’s really obvious. There are two spots where it stood out to me in particular – the “sad tinkle of bells” in the first line, and the line about how the lizard holds itself. Otherwise, I really enjoyed this, especially the dialogue between Jonah and Moon Unit. EgoEgress: B+ Prompt: Describe the secret wish of a sneaky lawyer who wins the lottery First of all, you lose a grade for ignoring my request for your prompt Fanky Malloons posted:Also: Bachelard rear end: C+ Prompt: Write a to-do list for a depressed movie star who ages 20 years in one day While I enjoyed your interpretation of your prompt, I think things like this tend to work better when you don’t use real people as characters. Sure, everyone loves to mock Tom Cruise, but it also kind of throws off the reader because then we have to expend all this extra brain power reconciling the image of Cruise that we already have in our minds to the one you’re presenting here. Basically, it’s a bunch of extra mental effort that I don’t want to have to expend on a 1300 word story. I did enjoy the Alan Arkin cameo though. Jonked: B Prompt: Describe the secret wish of a million-year-old game show host who discovers a secret city This was actually an interesting effort, but I feel like you were trying to cram a really big idea into a too-small word count. It seems fairly tight and well thought-out, but then it just ends at a spot that probably isn’t actually the end of the story. You should probably work on this some more and throw it in the Fiction Farm. Jeza: B- Prompt: Write a folk tale about a depressed snow leopard who solves crimes. This prompt is the reason I offered to judge, because it sounded like it could be an awesome entry. It was alright, I guess. I liked the noir-ish feel, and the absurd little details, like the fact that he wears a hat, and the hat has slits in it for his ears. However, in the end it was kind of disappointing because, while it was decent overall I feel like you didn’t take the absurdity far enough, so it just kind of falls flat. Also, there was some tense-switching, which I’m guessing was intentional but which you should have taken more care with because it veers dangerously close to looking like sloppy writing at times. Mercedes: D Prompt: Make up a conversation you might have with a scatterbrained artist who finds a strange package by the door Ooh, second person, generally a poor life choice. Especially in this case, since it’s not necessary at all. In fact, once you get to the end and see that the story is being told to someone else after the fact, it makes even less sense, because if you were telling a story about your day to someone else, you would most definitely use “I” Also, please don’t submit your porn fantasies in the future kthx. Noah: B+ Prompt: Describe the secret wish of a brainy carnival clown who rides comets Okay, so I don’t really see the point of the penis needling, since it doesn’t actually seem to lead to anything because his secret wish turns out to be that he wants to die? Is this all just a penetration metaphor that I’m only partially grasping? Penis needling aside, it is actually a pretty solid story and I don’t really have any complaints/critiques to offer at this time. Erogenous Beef: A Prompt: Write a funny story about an Arctic private eye who finds an undiscovered island. Haha, this was great. Your story was a really entertaining interpretation of the prompt, and was actually funny, good job. I might be biased though because I love luchadors, old Gods, and bros as a concept. I think broconut and brorillas were pushing it though, you dirty brown noser. Whalley: B- Prompt: Describe a day in the life of an old dentist who is always getting into trouble with her parents. This was actually decently well done, you managed to work in a bunch of little details about Simone’s life without going into EXPOSITION INFO DUMP MODE, so bravo for that. You had a pretty tame prompt, so there wasn’t much room for absurdity like with some of the others. I thought the realism of your story was executed really well, but unfortunately that also made it kind of boring. I guess dentistry isn’t super entertaining? Like crabrock I think you started your story too early - I would have liked to see the level of trouble Simone got into for drugging her mother, and the consequences of that. Systran: C Prompt: Write a story about a jittery vampire who lands on a faraway planet This was decent, but some of the plot points were confusing. WTF is the Mom Voice? What’s with the comment about test-tube babies? Why does Ratan decide he needs to feed on one person per month, then decide to go sleep for 100 years instead? Don’t answer these questions, because I don’t actually want to know, I’m just trying to point out where I felt the most egregious logic problems were. It wasn’t actually a terrible execution of the prompt you chose, and the general sci-fi vibe is good, but I think you ended up trying to do too much with too few words. Fumblemouse: A Prompt: An amazing story about a bitter maid who is leader of the fairies. This was great, I really enjoyed it. The only real suggestion I have for improvement is that I wouldn’t use the “what year is it” line, because it feels a bit cliché. There are plenty of other, more interesting ways for you to show that the dude in the coat doesn’t know where he is (in any sense of the word), nor what the date is. CHAIRCHUCKER: C+ Prompt: Describe a fun vacation with a disagreeable lemon who must walk across a rickety rope bridge. This was a pretty decent story, I guess, though I don’t feel that you went far enough with the prompt. The lemon wasn’t particularly disagreeable, and the bridge didn’t seem like a major plot point, nor did you convey it’s rickety, ropey status. Also, you don’t even say what is rad/fun about Nepal and their vacation, it just is. There’s not actually anything identifiably wrong with this piece in a technical sense, it just seems very low effort. I did enjoy the lemon as a character though. Kaishai: A Prompt: Write a fantasy story about a brainy octopus who lives in a museum Wow, that got really dark, but it was a beautifully written interpretation of your prompt. I know it’s supposed to be fantasy, and you didn’t have a lot of words to work with, but I would have liked to have seen a little bit more detail about the diver and what she’s doing/what her deal is other than “it is because she is magic.” Schneider Heim: C- Prompt: Invite to your school a red metal spider who writes science fiction This whole piece came off as kind of clumsy. You have a number of sentences with missing words, or where you used the wrong word, and a lot of the writing/dialogue was just very stilted. You fell into the EXPOSITION INFO DUMP trap with the line about the spider’s books being shortlisted for awards – who actually talks like that in real life? (Hint: nobody). Also I don’t really understand why the spider’s agent a) happens to be wandering around a high school, and b) chases them around like some kind of crazy person. There’s no real reason given for her to do any of those things, and so it doesn’t really work when she does them with no explanation. Nikaer Drekin: A- Prompt: Write a short legend about a famous stallion whose mirror can see into the future Man, Sir Chauncey the horse is kind of a dick. I actually enjoyed this story quite a bit, the idea of a foul-mouthed, beknighted, talking horse is quite entertaining and you did the character justice. Also, props for the rhyming curse. However, like a number of this week’s stories the ending was a bit weak. Maybe it has something to do with the fantastical/absurd nature of the prompts? Baggy_Brad: C+ Prompt: A day in the life of a sunburned police officer who rides comets So, this was pretty decent, up until the end where it got really dark for no real reason. I see what you were trying to do, but you’ve got to foreshadow that poo poo, son. Otherwise you’re just throwing in a random flashback for no reason other than to fill space and/or shock the reader. What does the flashback add to the story? The character? In this instance, not a whole lot. Also, you have some issues with commas. Otherwise though, the dialogue and scene-setting etc. was good. Who wouldn’t etch a giant cock into an asteroid, given the chance? V for Vegas: B Prompt: A fantasy story about a pickled princess who lives on a mountain I really liked your interpretation and execution of this prompt...right up until you blatantly cribbed from Our Lord George R.R. Martin in the penultimate paragraph there, which just ruined everything. I am the teacher who advocated making you repeat the grade. I’M NOT ANGRY, JUST DISAPPOINTED. Crabrock: C- Prompt: List five good things about a nervous cowboy who never, ever smiles. Well, you definitely listed a list of things in your story, so there’s that. The list even made Cowboy Tom seem like a fairly interesting character. However the execution was pretty clumsy, as the meat of the story was obviously just a vehicle for you to get to the next point down the list, which made all of the details you were giving either uninteresting, or kind of pointless. That said, some of your descriptive lines are pretty solid, but you really need to watch yourself because you have a tendency to overdescribe unimportant things. Related to the previous point, somehow, you manage to simultaneously give too much detail and not enough. I don’t give a poo poo that Cowboy Tom is apparently a virgin who cries at the mere thought of women (wtf), but I do want to know why everyone is psychotic, why the bar is empty (yet apparently fully stocked with liquor), and what an epidemic of incurable neurosyphillis looks like. Finally, to me, the story really starts about halfway through the 3rd-to-last paragraph – the introduction of another character is the only really interesting thing that happens, and the only instance where including the list-item as a separate line/paragraph really works. Bad Seafood: D+ Prompt: Write a horror story about a million-year-old vulture who is shipwrecked on a desert island. Well. That sure escalated quickly. I guess you filled the parameters of your prompt, but I find it difficult to judge a piece so short relative to the rest of the entries, which are much longer. For what it is, I enjoyed it, although I’m slightly confused as to whether the narrator is supposed to be a metaphorical vulture or an actual vulture. Go and sit in the corner with Nubile Hillock. Symptomless Coma: B- Prompt: a sweating shapeshifter who builds the smartest computer in the universe This was a bit strange and sort of hard to follow but it came together at the end, allowing me to figure out what the hell was going on. You definitely took the prompt in an unexpected direction, but it mostly worked. I am still a bit unclear though, on whether the developers are meant to be alien or human (or even if the distinction even really matters). Plus, although you alluded to shapeshifting, there was a distinct lack of sweat. Manoueverable: C- Prompt: A funny story about a game show host trapped on an alien planet drat, this wasn’t funny at all. I’m not seeing where I’m supposed to find the humour? Also, I think it would have been a little better if you had ended it with the photograph captioned “chief engineer”, because everything after that is pointless over-explaining. Actually, you do a lot of pointless over explaining, which is quite detrimental as it makes what could otherwise be an interesting story rather boring. Less is more. Nubile Hillock: F- Prompt: Write a two line poem about a cold apple who lives on a cloud I know there was no minimum word count, but when the limit is 1300 you might at least try and get halfway there, you slacker. Fanky Malloons fucked around with this message at 04:48 on Jul 10, 2013 |
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Jul 10, 2013 04:44
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The Saddest Rhino posted:I know I spent 15 minutes conceiving and writing mine but not marking my paper is very rude, I am bringing this up as a matter for contention in the next parent teacher association meeting. Quiet you. You didn't even officially enter so I didn't know if it was legit or not! Also I kind of forgot. I'll grade it if you want me to though.
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Jul 10, 2013 05:08
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Symptomless Coma posted:I'd like to take you up on you extra (read: "remedial") grading. What would have been an acceptable level of wtf? Did it matter that you didn't know if they were human or alien (in my mind, they didn't know any more). Was planetary sex not sweaty? I'm not really sure that there's an acceptable level of WTF that you should aim for, it's more that if WTF is what you're going for there needs to be an acceptable level of comprehension so that the reader doesn't lose interest. It's fine to keep the reader off-balance, keep them thinking, maybe confuse them a little bit, but if you go too far with that then it ends up being a turn-off, because why should I expend time and effort reading your story if it turns out you don't actually want me to understand what's happening anyway? That's unsatisfying, and a waste of time for both of us. For example, I couldn't read A Clockwork Orange because I found it to be way too much effort to try and parse the weird, made up language the author used and understand what was actually going on in the story because he replaced like, every other word, which I found really annoying. I got that you meant it to be ambiguous as to whether the characters were human or alien, or some other kind of other, but I actually think you need to make that ambiguity clearer, if that makes sense? Right now, we have two grasshoppers inside a computer, which is a very human invention, having a very human conversation, which is occasionally interrupted by a human-shaped bit of software. So then despite the hints at otherness, they still seem very human and it ends up being confusing in a clumsy sort of way, rather than deliberately ambiguous. Plus, there's also a vague implication of God-like consciousness, with the grasshoppers seemingly being able to control the movement of planets, which is again a very human concept, but also adds to the confusion. Are they human, alien, or God? The man in the background naming things seems like a pretty clear reference to the Garden of Eden, which adds to the confusion again because you don't really seem to actually be going anywhere with the biblical allusion, it just sort of happens in the background and so it's not really clear why he's there. I was mostly kidding about the sweat thing, but if there was implied sex in there somewhere, I absolutely did not catch it.
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Jul 10, 2013 16:45
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