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Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice

GrizzlyCow posted:

I don't think she meant gravity control when Railrunner "descended up". I think she just meant they climbed up but wrote it in a roundabout way.

Of course that's what she meant, the problem is that descend means: "to go or pass from a higher to a lower place; move or come down." No usage of descend can mean upwards movement, so the only way to "descend up" is if gravity is upside down at the time.

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Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice

horriblePencilist posted:

Something quite good.

Please keep this up, the ~*~Fanfiction~*~ is so much better than the real deal. After all, Black's still alive in it.

FakeEdit:

Mercedes posted:

A different perspective.

I like Pencilist's Black better, but yours definitely has that action-movie hero appeal.

Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice
Hell, I'm feeling inspired. I'm going to take a bit of a different direction for this one than everyone else, though.

-----

Squeak. Scamper. Grab. People messy eaters. I am grateful.

Food in hand. Feet close by. Run from feet. The bars. They can't reach me through the bars.

Safety from feet. Take a moment to relax. Start eating the food. I am grateful to the peo--wait.

Across from me. Large thing. Reminds me of snake. Snakes eat mice. I am afraid. I wait.

Nothing happens. It does not eat me. Perhaps too large to be actual snake? Perhaps too large to consider me a meal. I resume eating.

I finish the food. I prepare to grab another piece. Turn, start movi--wait.

The snake-thing also moves. It has arms. It points one at me. I am confused.

The hand comes apa--SQUEAK! PAIN. PAIN! Popping sounds. Coming from me. I am afraid.

The hand rises. I rise also. Too much pain. Can't think straight. Everything's fading...

The hand clo--SQUEAK!! EVERYTHING BREAKING. TWISTING. TURNING. FEAR! PAIN!! SQUE--

+++++++

"Whoa, awesome," Railrunner said to himself quietly as the blood of the mouse splashed across his body. "Now, if I can do that to a mouse..." Right on cue, the door slammed open, startling the lazy guards. Detective Black stormed through as the cell guards tried to look composed, instead of eating cereal when they should have been watching the multi-ton monstrosity in the cell. Railrunner felt a grim smile spread across his face...

Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice

SSNeoman posted:

How did humans "torture" Freakshow?
[...]
WHAT DID IRONWHEEL DO!? WHY IS HE EVIL!?

Well, to be fair to this, and to this only: all rides from the human world become living rides in Between once they are "retired" in some manner. Those that were vandalized, damaged, poorly maintained, etc., become "Fallen", instead of taking on a normal life in Between. Fallen are inherently evil by the nature of their spawning. Basically, Freakshow was probably smashed up bad while a ride in the human world, and Ironwheel was probably subjected to that rolling Ferris Wheel thing you see happen in movies occasionally. Thus, they are inherently evil once on the other side.

Well, that's my "defending indefensible drek" quota filled for the year.

...Ironwheel is a Ferris Wheel, right? I don't feel like going back and checking, not after mustering that defense.

Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice

Bobbin Threadbare posted:

Further greatness.

As always, thanks for these. In particular, I must thank you for diverging from the source material where appropriate; it gives the book new li--hahaha. No, really, what you did is the best way to trash this trash story, and replace it with a far better version. Feeling vaguely inspired again, I might put together another in-story side character short story in a bit.

Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice

Bobbin Threadbare posted:

"This is Jensen in Car 107. I've got some binoculars and one of the buildings here is a hotel. Give me a few and I'll find a good spot for you."

"Make it quick, Adam," the dispatcher replied.

I never asked for this to become a Deus Ex crossover, but it works pretty well.

Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice
Well, his throne room is full of skulls. And Railrunner's "friends" have been telling him that Ironwheel has terrorized countless people rides. We haven't seen any of that in person, though.

Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice
So, I'm taking it that, in this entire city, there are absolutely no Ironwheel sympathizers or Fallen spies in disguise? Heck, we've seen how effective "disguises" are in Amusement Park Between; just be wearing practically anything, and nobody can tell your color! That dark-colored bumper car over in the corner? He's wearing a hat, no way he could be a Fallen. That gray roller coaster with a metric ton of scars and a hateful look as he passes by? Well his vest's blue, surely he's a good guy.

Also "canadate". I'm pretty certain that one gave me temporary brain damage, because I could not remember how to actually spell that word right for a time, I was so distressed.

Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice
Others have already mentioned that you've already written a villain far better than Miranda ever managed, but I also like how you're changing the names to resemble names that rides would actually have in our world. "Iron Raptor" and "Thunderbolt" are names I could see actual coasters having, as opposed to "Ironwheel" and "Thunderbark". I also like that you're making an effort to actually define the abilities roller coasters have, and how it is differentiated by colors. In short, you continue to do good work, and are creating a far better story from the shaky foundations of Twisted than it will ever be.

Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice

Twisted posted:

I silently pulled out my sword. I aimed, and then trust [sic] it forward like a tomahawk.

Aaaah what the hell you don't thrust with a tomahawk, it's a freaking axe. If you have a sword and are thrusting it, then you are thrusting it like a sword. Swords are generally good for thrusting, on account of most varieties having pointy tips. :pseudo: You swing tomahawks, or even throw them. Railrunner did neither, since the result of this thrust was, well, what you would expect from thrusting a sword.
Fake Edit: Amusing that this, of all the crap we've seen, is what actually gets me ranting in the thread. Maybe it's because nobody else commented on it before me, maybe it's because it's 2 in the morning local time, but this failure of weapon knowledge / thesaurus use really bugs me.

JosephWongKS posted:

[...]by the end of the book he’ll probably be outright kicking puppies and kittens and clubbing baby seals.

These various critters will, of course, be in the direct employ of Ironwheel, on his campaign to spread cheer and happiness throughout his realm.

Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice
It's an amazing, yet sad, feat that one cannot tell if the subject in the interlude is Ironwheel, because ~villain~, or Railrunner, because of precedent.

Edit: \/\/ Gah posting times, I don't know if that's actually at me due to having literally just posted. If so, I'm saying that the passage could be about Railrunner in a burning city, bellowing vengeance and all that, and at least as far as JWKS is viewing Railrunner, it could have easily been him that caused the destruction. It's far more likely that Ironwheel is (finally) burning down cities in his path to find Railrunner, but as the story has gone thus far, it could be amusingly "misinterpreted" as about Railrunner.

Oblivion4568238 fucked around with this message at 03:50 on Jun 1, 2013

Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice
Sounds to me like Miranda was trying to use a synonym for "procured", and thought "Well, "concurred" is kinda similar, I don't even need to use the thesaraus!" Unless the sentence is about battle plans rather than battle supplies, in which case :iiam:.

Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice

JosephWongKS posted:

Does it even count as a “wood” if the vegetation is so short that you can peek “over” the edge?

No, see, they are looking up over the wood of the dock from in the water. Because it is a wooden dock. Feel free to roll out "a world with technology so advanced" yet again. At least in my own experience, the usage of the word you thought it was going for is generally "woods", but that might just be growing up in a rural area speaking.

Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice

JosephWongKS posted:

They couldn't have been doing that, because they'd both already "climbed onto the dock" before they "peeked over the edge of the wood".

Ah, well, uh... new rollercoaster power! Able to generate wooden cover that can be hidden behind at any time!

Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice

JosephWongKS posted:

Um, what? Railrunner arrived at the portal in Mystic Park too, so if Ironwheel picks the same portal, wouldn’t he arrive at the same time as Railrunner? :psyduck:

Miranda Leek has achieved the impossible – she’s contradicted herself within one sentence.

I hate to say it, but this one's on you. Railrunner made a red-only portal for himself after Ironwheel headed out to what is likely the portal Railrunner first entered Amusement Park Between with, so Ironwheel does supposedly have several days travel ahead of him. Not only that, but the wave pool isn't even the same exit point:

Chapter 18 posted:

Thunderbark walked to a Jacuzzi. The water within it was glowing bright blue, and you couldn’t see the bottom of the tub like all the others.

Chapter 50 posted:

I looked around to discover that I lay in the wave pool. The water rolled in gentle tides against my metal.

Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice

SSNeoman posted:

It just hit me. The non-Fallen rides are the bad guys! The Fallen conquered them and let them live, and in return they wish to use their champion to kill them all! The headfiction required to support this is kinda screwy and incoherent, but I think we're WELL past the point of caring for such trifles.

Your first mistake was attempting to come up with a reason for anything in Miranda's story.

Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice
One might argue that there is no way to safely consume this book; rather, the dose is causing incredible, but barely survivable, pain.

Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice
Watching other people suffer through the same thing I am suffering through helps me to not notice my own suffering, so this next chapter should be real fun. Already alcharagia has made me laugh evilly, and we haven't even started the chapter!

Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice

Focacciasaurus_Rex posted:

A look at the other side.

I meant to offer critique of your previous bit of fanfiction, but I'm a horrible, lazy person, so I didn't. I'll do it this time, though.

Both in this and your previous offering, the story itself has been quite excellent. You do a good job keeping a coherent narrative, and you don't forget things that have happened in the past. Really, my only problem is that it's still fully entrenched in Miranda's setting, but that's solely the fault of Miranda.

There's a bit of a problem with sentence structuring and run-on sentences, but more-so in the previous piece than this one. One sentence in particular that stood out to me:

quote:

They had tried educating them to be upstanding citizens, but they always came out more sociopathic and broken than the last, but that didn't work.

This sentence doubles up on ",but", and both second statements say the same thing in different ways. I feel that it would work best with ", but that didn't work." removed entirely. Looking at it long enough to have been talking about it, though, it seems like it could have easily just been overlooked in editing. I'm pretty certain I've had more than a few doubled up statements in my few meager writings.

And then there's this:

quote:

The clearly terrified carousel horse walked into the throne room in front of Lord Ironwheel. [...] When it was clear Angel Track was next in line, Freak Show pleaded to go instead of me.

For one sentence, for the length of one word, you switched perspectives from 3rd to 1st. Maybe an artifact from originally writing that paragraph from Ironwheel's perspective? Maybe just a slip-up in an otherwise regular paragraph? Either way, it stuck out to me big-time.

So, in review, I have two complaints about your writing. One is a mild general issue, and one is a specific point that you messed up. This puts you... somewhere in the ranks of the most highly regarded writers in history when compared to Miranda Leek. For a comparison that you aren't completely beyond, you're just a bit behind Bobbin Threadbare's Detective Black works. And I don't think anyone's "fan"fiction can really compare to those unless they themselves write Black. It's probably better than I could do in so many words; in writing, I've always been prone to keeping things to the point. (As you can clearly tell, right? :words:)

All in all, good job.

Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice
Just because the book is done, doesn't mean the "fan"fiction should stop.

Fake Edit: /\Oh, hello fellow fanfictioner!

--------

--EEEAK!

...


Squeak?

I look around. Everything is grey. I don't remember how I got here.

Move forward. Must be something here. Must find out why.

Ledge ahead. A figure sits next to it. A rat. Scrawny. Jet black. Doesn't seem hostile.

Must find out why. I go to him.

Ah, a new guest.

Something strange! People words! But how do I know they are such?

How do I understand them?

Of course, you are new here. There are many things you will have to learn.

I remain in awe. What is happening?

This is the Mouse Hole Beyond. An extra-dimensional space that acts as a sort of heaven for rodents... but you don't know what a "heaven" is, do you?

I squeak my lack of understanding.

Hmm. I don't have much time with you, so I'll tell you everything about it now. You will understand in time. This is the place that rodents of all descriptions go when they die. There are layers to it as well. The rodents who live a full life and die a natural death are reborn here as snow-white mice. A dim-witted lot altogether. Would you believe most of them don't even learn how to speak here?

A laughing sound comes from the rat's throat. I don't even know how to speak. What does that make me?

For the most part, the Whites are only fit for target practice. The next division are those who died to traps, poison, whatever cruelties the humans inflict without bothering to do it themselves. We call them the Trapped. They tend to come through in the same form they held when they died, and usually devote themselves to a trade that is useful to the rest of the Hole, be it weapons, armor, relaxation, or... relaxation. A good lot on the whole.

I squeaked at him. So much being said. So much of it I don't understand.

As I said, you'll get it all in time. Believe me, you'll have quite a bit of time to yourself. And now, the last group are those who died by more... direct means. I am of that group. So are you.

Squeak?!

I look at myself. I am not as I remember. My fur is black. My paws are long and jagged. I... look much like the rat in front of me.

Again, you'll have time to come to terms with this. Here, we are special. We are more powerful than any other creature in the Hole. We have the power to take what we desire. We have the intelligence to learn beyond our peers. Most importantly, and yet most detrimentally, we have a drive.

A... drive?

We black rats, we "Fallen", are unique in our arrival. A single thing killed us, and it did so in a personal manner. So, shortly after we begin our new life, we remember. You'll do so soon. Then, you will know your drive. And you will devote yourself to fulfilling it. If you fail, well, you're dead anyways, so it doesn't matter. And if you succeed, you lose all purpose by having completed the only thing you wanted to do. You become like me. I've been sitting here, waiting for another black rat to wander by from the hole in the wall. I wanted to give someone else a quick start, before I go to my own end.

Compassion? From a creature self-described as "Fallen"?

We tend to stick together. No matter how powerful you are, you are still just a rat. But we have strength in numbers. If you do well, you will come to be respected by the rats, feared by the Whites, and earn discounts from the Trapped. Heh. There is one last thing before I leave for good, and before you step forward and remember. As I said, this is the Mouse Hole Beyond. There are other "heaven" dimensions, a multitude for nearly every thing that exists in the human world. Most of those are designated as "Between", or such that they, in some manner, match up to the human world. The portals between the two are in fixed locations, and will always have the same destinations. This, however, is a "Beyond" dimension. Any exit from here can lead to any mouse hole in the human world... and one never knows where a mouse hole might pop up, eh?

I squeak in confusion. I don't know what he means.

Hmph. You'll figure it out eventually. Just know that you can basically go anywhere you like, here or there. Much as I am doing now.

The rat moves towards where I came from. I turn to watch him as he approaches a mouse hole I didn't notice before.

I'd say see ya around, but that would be a terrible lie. So... goodbye, and good luck.

The rats walks through the hole. He disappears from view. I am left confused.

Turn around. Look at the ledge. He mentioned moving forward, didn't he?

I move forward. I am on the edge of the ledge. I look out into the grey.

A shape starts forming in the distance. A... large thing. Red? A bizarre face. A snake-like body...

I remember.

Flames rush from the floating image, burning away the grey in the air. Pain fills me at a rate matching my memories.

That creature... killed me.

That monster... murdered me.

That demon... destroyed me for fun!

I... hate him.

I... I want to kill him like he killed me. I want to make him suffer like he made me suffer.

The fire has burned away all the grey, and the image of the demon hangs in the air, fully visible.

This was my drive.

"I...
will...
kill...
you..."

I look away from the image. I look down. A mouse with pure white fur skitters about beneath the ledge, unaware he is being watched.

It's nothing personal. I think that to myself even as I pounce on the creature and bite straight through its neck.

I need to be stronger to take on that demon. I will save my rage for it.

Everything on the path there is just collateral.

---------------

I'll be the first to admit my writing is... freeform. I often don't make a full plan of what is going to happen when I sit to write. I get a general idea of how things will start and how things will end, and just let the rest happen. Mouse Hole Beyond was always going to happen, but when I first thought of this idea, I was thinking more along the lines of a Grim Squeaker than another "Fallen" rat. Of course, fixed text is the closest thing to SmallCaps I can find here anyways, so. I sometimes surprise myself when I write, and I did get a slight chill while typing that bit after "This was my drive." I do realize, though, that this isn't an effective style of writing, at least not for a full-length work. So, please do critique to some degree, if you feel like it. I certainly recognize that it's a bit ramble-y all through the middle, but I'm also just writing a fanfiction of a terrible thing for a bunch of people on the internet, so I don't particularly desire to spend a long amount of time making it stand up to standards.

So, all in all, enjoy.

The Mouse will return in Black and Red

Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice

Djeser posted:

“You bet," Shadowtrack sighed.

Marvelous work, taking what was intended in the story to just plain be absolute and total commitment, and showing how it's not really such a thing as that, showing how any sane being would be actually taking it, and showing how even sanity may not be a proper defense.

I shall celebrate the conclusion of your work by concluding my own. :v:

---------------

Much time has passed. I have learned much.

I hunted the Whites in this world, made them know a piece of my suffering that they had never experienced before.

I traveled back to the human world. I hunted there as well, sending many things to their "heavens" with a black sheen. Other mice and rats, too.

I may be the thing they desire to destroy the most, but I keep them in check with a promise. Once my own drive is fulfilled, I won't fight them when they take their own vengeance.

It works. The Fallen I made hate me, the ones I didn't fear me, but they follow me all the same.

The Mouse Hole Beyond still operates. On a newcomer's glance, everything seems to be fine. But they all fear me. They all hate me. Every action they take is preceded by looking over their shoulder for the Fallen.

But I keep them in check, too. The same promise that makes servants of my personal enemies makes the normal inhabitants leave me be, sometimes even help me. The day the red demon dies, they say, is the day we are freed from our own demon.

Am I a demon? I have done many things since my death that could be called bad. Malicious. Evil. Tyrannical. But I do not think that makes me a demon.

It has never been personal. Every White I tear apart has been to strengthen myself. Every raid into the human world has been to strengthen my army. Every Trapped who winds up dead after refusing to give us weapons and supplies was an obstacle that needed to be surmounted. I do these things, not for pleasure, but to fulfill an eventual goal, a "good" thing that must be done.

I stand where I first entered the Hole.

Turn around. Look at the ledge.

One hundred pairs of eyes look back. Perhaps more.

I think... this is going to be personal.

It's time.

=========

Richard Black cautiously walked forward. This had been a long day. He knew he was dealing with forces beyond common human understanding when they dragged in a drat living roller coaster; fortunately for him, Black was no common human. He knew the coaster would likely be dangerous after it had been awake some time, and so he had sent another officer, charmed to look like Black even to otherworldy beings, to interrogate the coaster.

They would never be able to remove the red stains from the walls.

And so Black was cautious. He had tracked the coaster to Mystic Park. Funny thing, isn't it? You get murderous clowns, it all comes back to the carnival. You get hordes of the dead, it all comes back to the graveyard.

You get a psychopathic roller coaster, it all... you know.

Since roller coasters tend to not be alive in this world, Black was certain this thing had come from another world. From that, he assumed that there must be a portal to that other world at the park. He stepped into a small clearing containing a small, circular pool and several other "kiddie" water park parallels. He had no interest in whatever else surrounded the pool, though; he immediately noticed how meticulously perfect a circle it formed. If he was right about this... drat. The bottom of the pool had been tiled to form a teleportation sigil. It would only open when the proper artifact was brought near, but it did confirm the theory that the coaster was trying to leave this world.

Black wonders if he might be too late, if perhaps the coaster has alrea--

Fast as lightning, the red coaster lunges at Black and knocks him into a concrete surfboard decoration. The impact sends a fracture through the board and nearly breaks Black's spine.

"You?" the coaster snorted. "I knew I was being tracked, but I'm pretty certain I've already killed you." The coaster moves over Black, going so fast that, to Black's weary mind, it seemed like teleportation. "I remember every person I've killed," it says in a dark tone. The coaster returns to a standing position, or what passes as such for a snake-like creature, and starts casually walking back and forth, as though chatting with a friend. "You know, you might be the first person I've killed twice. Clearly, that little trick last time didn't work. Which is funny, because that mouse certainly didn't seem like it would be coming back. So, this time, I'll try something different. Maybe I'll burn you to a crisp?" he says as fire springs to life in his uppermost right hand. Black can feel the sweltering heat from the coaster's magic. "Or, perhaps you'd like something a bit more... shocking?" he says as electricity begins to crackle across his uppermost left hand. The thing seems to be holding back a chuckle; he must think he's hilarious. Black doesn't laugh. "But, really, those are far too impersonal. No, for the man who dies twice, something much more direct needs to happen. I will cut you apart with my claws. Slowly. Delicately. You will wish you had stayed in the land of the dead, and finally, when you are begging me for the sweet release of death... I shall grant it. This is going to be... personal."

Indeed it is.

"What!?" the coaster roared. "Who's there? How can anything else be there! I know this human is the only thing that followed me!" For his part, Black also looked confused at the turn of events.

We didn't follow you, as such.

"WE?! You aren't alone in this? This isn't how it's supposed to go! It was supposed to be me, this human, and freedom!"

Do you hate when things don't go your way?

"What kind of question is that?! Of course I hate it! I'm special! I've been chosen! I will save this world!"

Black finally spoke up. "Just what in the he-"

"SHUT UP!" the coaster screamed. He swung his tail around and smashed Black in the head, knocking him out. "I will deal with you later! Now... where are you?"

You might be surprised... where a mouse hole can turn up.

"What the hell does that mean! Where the hell are y-" the coaster froze in mid-sentence as he felt... something... scurrying around inside his cars. He turned his upper body around to look inside his train. Rats. Rats everywhere. The coaster could feel them gnawing at his body, trying to get through the outer shell. He had to do something. Fast. He summoned fire again, figuring he could sleep the damage off later. He sends a jet of flame all along the length of his back, and tens of rats fall out, little infernos that scamper mere feet before expiring. The pain is agonizing, but the coaster knows that at least he's survi-

More. More rats. Scurrying. Clawing. Biting already singed flesh, making their progress quicker. The coaster freaks out, and begins jetting fire down his body once more. He doesn't stop when he thinks all the rats are gone this time. Soon enough, the corpses stop falling out, and continue burning while still in the train, doubling the heat the coaster is exposing himself to.

And still they bite. The coaster screams in agony, and rears his head to the sky.

And notices a single black object dropping from an above tree.

Die.

The Fallen rat that was once a simple mouse lands on the back of the coaster's head, and bites through the weakened metal of the neck with great strength, severing the creature's nervous system and paralyzing the beast. The coaster stops thrashing, stops shooting flames at himself, stops... everything. But thinking. And hearing.

It would be easy to finish you. It would be the simplest thing to bore a hole straight to your heart and bite it. But I won't. You made me suffer. You toyed with me. My body was torn apart for your amusement. Your body will burn to ashes for my vengeance.

"Ah, yes, I remember you. I remember everyone I killed. And yet here you are again. A bit different. But it's still you."

Nothing you say will make me stop the suffering. It has been long overdue.

"No, of course not. Even if the fires stop, I'm probably dead anyways. Looks like... I might not save the world after all, huh? But with you here, and that detective over there... it seems that maybe, everyone I killed is going to be back anyways. No change at all from my passing through. Heh."

What you have done cannot be undone. I wouldn't quite say even I am back in a full sense.

"Whatever. If I had another chance, I wouldn't waste so much time. So what if the detective had followed me into my world? So what if I was in a weakened state in that cell? I should have been more direct."

Had you been any more direct, the planet itself may have become a Fallen dedicated to destroying you.

"Shut up," the coaster sighed. "Leave me to die in peace." With this, the red demon fell silent.

========

I have achieved vengeance. I have fulfilled my drive. The demon is dead. So are all the other rats. Of all the things I killed, only a Fallen rat could possibly kill me, and now there are none who swear vengeance against me. I have no reason to live, and nothing to kill me.

I survey the scene. The red is dead, the body burning still. The pool remains calm. The structure the human was thrown into has finally crumbled at the point of impact. And the human-

Turn around. Look up.

The human stands above me. He seems to only be injured slightly, despite having been out of commission the entire fight. He looks down at me.

He smiles.

I was grateful for humans once, wasn't I?

Perhaps... there is still something to live for.

Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice
Bravo to all involved in that project. It felt to me that you all had the "feel" of each character spot on. I... can't say that I can't wait for the next bit, because it is still Twisted!, but at least you've made something good out of it.

Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice
Sir, I'll have you know I won't fear it until the moment it descends upon me, for I can forget things from this thread until my next return to the thread. :colbert:

I also may have bad enough taste to enjoy a dramatic reading of a thing I didn't enjoy directly.

Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice

Excerpt 11 posted:

Sex... without intercourse

Oh God, I'm sorry I ever doubted you Bobbin, I am so very afraid! :gonk:

With that out of the way, though, the rest of that was still a good all-around mockery of the worst scenes, and the pictures served to elevate that mockery further.

Once more, good on you all. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to forget about having listened to that. Rotten apple spoils the bunch and all.

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Oblivion4568238
Oct 10, 2012

The Inquisition.
What a show.
The Inquisition.
Here. We. Go.
College Slice
Okay, so he landed there and made an impact there... so when did the rest of him land?

Seriously, the rest of him is just... there, like Miranda didn't even remember that he was a long creature until everything else had been drawn... or perhaps didn't think it was actually important. It's been said before, but this picture is perfect for visualization: everything related to Twisted! would be vastly improved by making it not roller coasters. You know what would make this image, on its own, not terrible? Remove the tacked-on backside. Remove the awful seats. Remove the damned wheel-finger-claws. It would make a perfectly fine anthro-dragon drawing like that. I mean, it would still be an anthro-dragon drawing, but it's a lot better than a rollercoaster that can't remember that it's a rollercoaster instead of a dragon.

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