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I don't understand why there isn't a new thread so I'm making one. I don't see any blatant rules about it either so here we goooooo: 1. Only rule - No repeats from previous threads. Fun Fact: You accidentally swallow 10lbs of spiders every night you sleep. The moisture levels of a man's dick and rear end can make or break him in the community. Sgt. Shaved Balls is the person who sells out to the bad guys and betrays the team for kicks backs and government bio-weapons contracts. He also dies. make better statuses than mine. Sgt. Shaved Balls has a new favorite as of 00:38 on Jun 8, 2013 |
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Jun 8, 2013 00:21
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Can we make a rule about no stealing clever jokes and posting them on your own face book? I'm getting real tired of seeing post your favorite jokers copy pasting one of the 6-8 carefully constructed bon mots I post in this thread in semi regular batches. It really cheapens the likes I feel that ive earned.
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Jun 8, 2013 01:52
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I liked this one I did a while ago, since I guess you just want a quotes thread but less circle jerky because it's just masturbation. As I palm slammed the enter key in the status field the power turned off in my room. Seven trumpets from seven directions could be heard as the sky outside darkened. A thick fog rolled in with a thunderclap and I could hear the sound of hooves running from far away. Out of the fog came innumerable horsemen, clad in dark hooded cloaks. With terror I see them lower their hoods as a haunting marching timpani beat starts to play. I saw Hitler Himself, alongside a girl Hitler, a lumberjack Hitler, a cycling enthusiast Hitler, a cyclops Hitler, Hitler with a boner, instagrammed Hitler, deep space Hitler, turbo-Hitler, gay Hitler, gay (as in a pejorative) Hitler, another regular Hitler, ghost Hitler, and an East LA mexican stereotype hitler barked a "chu lookin at holmes?" as I scanned through the crowd. I saw heavy metal Hitler, social justice warrior Hitler, internet meme Hitler, Hitler in a scuba mask but also was French Hitler, fat Hitler, dad Hitler, glam metal Hitler, teenage Hitler, weed Hitler, communist Hitler, goat Hitler, black Hitler, outraged midwestern mom Hitler, double headed Hitler, 2-D Hitler, pixel art Hitler, a Hitler that was actually two midget Hitlers in a single Hitler costume, centaur Hitler, reverse centaur Hitler, and a Hitler wearing sunglasses. Their leader came out of the crowd on a white horse. He was the last to lower his hood, for it was anime Hitler. His beautiful eyes sparkled in the twilight and all the Hitler's said in unison: "Like."
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Jun 8, 2013 02:01
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Cervixalot posted:Can we make a rule about no stealing clever jokes and posting them on your own face book? I'm getting real tired of seeing post your favorite jokers copy pasting one of the 6-8 carefully constructed bon mots I post in this thread in semi regular batches. It really cheapens the likes I feel that ive earned. No.
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Jun 8, 2013 19:26
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Seriously? What happened to Cluricaun and Rpollstad and all the other people who posted awesome statuses in the other thread. That thread was going forever.
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Jun 10, 2013 13:56
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Francostein posted:I liked this one I did a while ago, since I guess you just want a quotes thread but less circle jerky because it's just masturbation. Epic fail
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Jun 10, 2013 14:29
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Francostein posted:I liked this one I did a while ago, since I guess you just want a quotes thread but less circle jerky because it's just masturbation. Come back rpollestad...
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Jun 10, 2013 14:45
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What do you call an uncouth joke about the military? Base Humor. What do you call time set aside to make dessert. A marziplan.
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Jul 4, 2013 14:08
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Sgt. Shaved Balls posted:Seriously? What happened to Cluricaun and Rpollstad and all the other people who posted awesome statuses in the other thread. That thread was going forever. I'm pretty sure the last thread got shut down because it basically turned into the "Cluricaun & Rpollstad post funny statuses while everyone else says "good poo poo" or "stealin dis" or "I got a blowjob from reposting this" show" then a bunch of other people who take the internet way too seriously started making GBS threads up the thread. Actual content, my last few statuses/tweets: "When it comes to politics, if it drives social conservatives into an uncontrollable fury I probably support it." "It has come to my attention that I've been spelling "bestiality" incorrectly all this time." "Just bought regular olive oil instead of extra virgin because whores need love too." "Dammit alcohol, if you're going to fuel my bad decisions you should make sure I wake up sticky and naked next to a hot redhead chick named Wendy, not a lukewarm half eaten spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy's." "The word "homeowner" has the word "meow" in it. Good luck pronouncing it correctly ever again." - I'm pretty sure I stole that one from rpollstad's twitter.
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Jul 6, 2013 03:40
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I miss this thread. I wish there was a bannable rule to kick out thread shiters and people offended by stuff getting stolen by people reading it. Steal away. Some of its me and some of its not. I've had about enough of your games, Parker Bros. HELLO WORLD! Just kidding, get the hell away from me jerks. Life was easier back when we could just breakdance our way out of an argument. I just met the cutest Bank tonight you guys, off shore, accrued interest, and not in the least bit interested in screwing me over. She's a keeper, just kinda worried she only likes me for my money. Bad things happen to good people to balance out the good things that happen to bad people. "The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." - A̶l̶b̶e̶r̶t̶ ̶E̶i̶n̶s̶t̶e̶i̶n̶ Me
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Jul 12, 2013 01:49
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Here are some favorites that I've either come up with or shamelessly stolen from funny twatters: Penises are a lot like elbows. The host of the dinner party I'm attending prefers I not put them on the table. Sexy: Yoga pants. Less Sexy: Yogurt pants. They need to legalize gay marriage, cause who's not gonna watch gay divorce court on TV So is the "stuff" in "butt stuff" a noun or verb? Liver: Please stop Brain: Just getting started, bro Liver: You're embarrassing Thumb: Don't tweet that Brain: Too late Penis: YAY I'M FREE! I'd be more interested in exercising if calories screamed as you burned them The guy that invented yoga pants should be the first guy to die from too many blow jobs My "O" face is a cross between an oncoming sneeze and trying to see the bottom of a Pringles can How much for the horse tornado? Sir, that's a carousel.
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Jul 12, 2013 15:54
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Here are a few that I think you guys'll like: I'm the Jason Bourne of avoiding people I know at Trader Joe's. I just realized ducks can't hug and now I will not be able to sleep. "New ideas are hard" - Fast and Furious 6
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Jul 12, 2013 17:39
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I don't know why they call it 'hair of the dog.' Now I just cough a lot and the neighbour's angry with me for biting her dog.
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Jul 13, 2013 14:03
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I always feel classy, tossing in a handful of ice cubes in a glass while making a drink. Then after drink eight I'm like, "I don't think Sinatra would be naked in front of a computer at this point." Don't have a cow, man! They depreciate in value right out of the barn.
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Jul 13, 2013 20:49
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If you say Jesus backwards it sounds like "sausage" That awkward moment at Tim Hortons when paying for your coffee you say "thanks a latte!" but no one laughs and they tell you to leave the store
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Jul 13, 2013 21:23
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 RIP Ryan  mng posted:I don't know why they call it 'hair of the dog.' Now I just cough a lot and the neighbour's angry with me for biting her dog. Maybe you know/think this, but I believe the expression comes from the old folklore cure for lycanthropy (AKA being a werewolf), which is to collect a lock of hair from the werewolf that first infected you and do...something with it 
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Jul 16, 2013 06:22
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Who came up with the term 'old fart' anyway? How can you tell how old one is, and how do you contain it to determine its age?
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Jul 20, 2013 21:39
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I checked in the local farmer market earlier today with this status update. "Scoping out the melons at the farmer market!"
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Jul 21, 2013 02:11
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Copied from rpollestad's Twitter, who re-tweeted it from someone else  *ding* This is your captain speaking. We... Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We're out of fuel.
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Jul 21, 2013 16:55
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Come back rpollestad.  Content: The battery in my toothbrush died and I didn't know what to do. I like women with lazy eyes because I feel like I need to work harder to get their undivided attention. It's all in the chase boys. Not being able to push people into pools without ruining $500-800 electronics has got to be one of the worst parts of modern life. George H.W. Cunt has a new favorite as of 18:46 on Jul 21, 2013 |
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Jul 21, 2013 18:40
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Yeet posted:That awkward moment at Tim Hortons when paying for your coffee you say "thanks a latte!" but no one laughs and they tell you to leave the store
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Jul 23, 2013 07:40
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More shamelessly stolen tweets: I threw away the packaging, so I can only assume that the suggested serving size on these Bagel Bites is all of them There are so many different kinds of burritos is what I think to myself when I want to stop crying I wish parents would watch their kids better because my basement is filling up Guys there are people who will bring food to the place where your TV is... Why is there even an outside? Why do people live in regular houses when there are steakhouses? I don't battle depression I get it drunk then take advantage of it can we redo all the tyler perry movies with white people oh nevermind thanks adam sandler SURPRISE WITNESS has a new favorite as of 22:08 on Jul 23, 2013 |
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Jul 23, 2013 21:59
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The best Tweet I ever read was "ATTENTION, RACISTS: The Boston bombing suspects are from the actual Caucasus region, meaning they *literally could not be more Caucasian*"
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Jul 23, 2013 22:28
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She like i thinks its time we see other people: I'm like bitch you better walk over there and look out that mf window straight edge. stoner. vegan. gay. 18. music. rick ross. Most girls have sex when they goin through poo poo
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Jul 23, 2013 22:39
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Children screaming outside. Either they're playing or being molested. I'm not opening my blinds to figure it out. Life needs its mysteries.
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Jul 27, 2013 20:10
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Some oldies but favorites: 'I spend my tip money on books. The gift that keeps on giving...until you move, and it's like dragging bricks along the ground by your nipple' 'Want my tax return represented as a bag of gold coins, & rained over me so I can dance in them. A bruised, flailing, triumphant leprechaun' 'Why does my cat keep smelling my mouth. Can he smell the rum' 'When new people come into my house, I give them a tour of my poo poo. "These are my seal bones" "Here's my bayonet knife" "Please don't leave"' 'I have a problem returning books to the library. It's like tearing a baby away from someone who kidnapped it. I LOVE IT SO IT'S MINE NOW'
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Jul 29, 2013 09:24
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If my name were Anthony Weiner, I might feel kind of strange sending pictures of my dong to everyone. But my name isn't Anthony Weiner.
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Jul 29, 2013 14:17
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Hey baby, wanna bump uglies? Ho seriously, let's bump those two uggos across the street together, it'll be hilarious!
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Jul 29, 2013 14:57
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Got paged about this thread by three or four people and had to analyze how much I hate myself before I loaded it up and thought about posting. Apparently, I hate myself a lot because I'm going back down the rabbit hole again. Here's some statuses from the past week or so. Enjoy! Or not. I'm not here to tell you how to live your life. Limousines are so 1980's. Due to the rising costs of medical care, true ballers roll up to the club in an ambulance. Money ain't a thang. Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day; teach a man to fish and you'll probably hear him bitching about how much fishing sucks. Don't judge an immature man until you've jumped a mile in his adult bouncy castle. Well, excuuuuse me, HR, but if the "break room" isn't the proper place for headspins and pop'n'lock, then maybe we should look into the changing the name. Pretty misleading. Hostess: Sir, we have no tables available right now. I'm sorry. * slides CD containing 1000 hours of free AOL dial-up into her pocket * Me: How about now? Apparently you don't get royalties every time an episode of Cops is on TV that features you. Starting to feel like I wasted my life being in 25 of them. If you own a pick-up truck, there is a 110% chance that someone asked you to help move a mattress this weekend. I would pretty much kill it on "Chopped" if the mystery basket ingredients were three frozen pizzas and a bottle of whiskey. I told myself that I wasn't going to drink today but I also hate it when people try and boss me around so now I'm opening up a second bottle of vodka to show myself who is really in charge around here. Was forced to eat generic store brand cereal once in 1985 so, yeah, you could say that I come from a broken home. Did you know that it's totally legal to dress homeless people up in costumes and make them reenact scenes from your favorite superhero movies? "I guess what I'm saying is..." * drops down on one knee * "Will you invade my personal space 24/7, argue with me about every aspect of our finances and ruin our weekends with 'fun' activities like gardening until we slowly stop talking to each other?"
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Jul 29, 2013 20:40
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Tweetz: "Someone should edit Groundhog Day so every time the day begins anew it says "Load Savestate 0" at the bottom." "How to live in Your Car is an actual video that you can watch and it will actually teach you how to live in your car." "The only question more difficult than "what is my purpose?" is "what is my skeleton's purpose?"" ""Will it be a skeleton warrior, a skeleton magician, decoration,..."" ""If he'll be a warrior will it be using a shield?"" I barely update but I was pretty active during E3. Here are my favorites. "In 2009, an experiment to super-condense tumblr into a single artificial person was conducted. The project was codenamed #girlwood" "Where's your Battlefield 4 presentation, Microsoft? And why aren't you wearing pants for school? #E3Nightmares" "Mario Kart 8 to feature new Waluigi powerup that turns everyone in the race into Waluigi #E3" "Sega collaborates with Harmonix to create Sonic Underground game #E3Rumors" "Drake enters the EA stage to announce Def Jam Brothers #E3" "Sony will announce Dangan Ronpa for NA but you have to pay $10 to play it and you can't make dumb posts on the internet about it #e3rumors" "Ratboy Genius to be Xbox One exclusive feature on Minecraft #E3" videogames, am I right?
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Jul 29, 2013 22:34
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Don't get into a running argument if you're a paraplegic.
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Aug 1, 2013 06:16
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Pompous Rhombus has a new favorite as of 04:22 on May 10, 2014 |
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Aug 1, 2013 07:43
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quote:blake @Leemanish 7m
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Aug 1, 2013 17:25
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I feel like this whole debate over renaming the Redskins would be solved if the team just changed their mascot to a bag of Spanish peanuts.
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Aug 8, 2013 23:54
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I am so grateful to have this thread back. Here's to hoping that others will just let us have our mildly funny or even not-so-funny and not poo poo it to death again. Tips for new teachers: Start the year off right and get your students' attention by having a friend push you out of a windowless van, blindfolded and gagged, right in front of your classroom.
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Aug 9, 2013 00:10
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I'm going to create an app called InstaGrandma, which applies filters to your photos to look like really poor .jpg compression in a Fwd:FWD:fwd:FwD email.
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Aug 9, 2013 22:42
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No mom, these aren't "children's cartoons" *sigh*. See, they just made a dick joke! MOM COME BACK AND LISTEN TO THE DICK JOKE!
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Aug 10, 2013 22:38
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I'm not as funny as some of you, but I like to think some of my Tweets are mildly funny. The best part about Shark Week is when its over. Your PT Cruiser smells like horrible life decisions. Relationship Status: Getting cussed out by 8 yr olds on Call of Duty on a Friday night. Ben Franklin just followed me on Twitter. Its not a verified account though so I don't think its actually him. How many calories does jiggling my gut burn? A sex robot named Fister Roboto. WhereWhitePeopleMeet.com but its just a Trader Joe's.
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Aug 11, 2013 00:06
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Those are good tweets that speak to me. Especially the one about shark week. drat I hate how everyone goes nutso over shark week.
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Aug 11, 2013 00:21
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I posted that on my Facebook as well and this girl told me to "shut the gently caress up" and meant it. 
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Aug 11, 2013 13:52
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