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kensei
Dec 27, 2007

Bo Knows Posting


Previous thread:

http://forums.somethingawful.com/sh...hreadid=3022717

This post is from page one, and it still makes me to this day:

xarph posted:

From a former life, names changed to protect myself although I could care less about the subject:

I worked for a large company of the sort that gets to dictate terms to the likes of Microsoft and Apple. One fine fiscal half, an advertising company was acquired. Some employees of the advertising company were kept. Others were dismissed. A subset refused to sign certain papers and thus were disappeared.

One of the employees that survived the culling was a man who, for the purposes of this story, shall be named Jack Brentwood. Jack's job was to create banner advertisements. At the old company, he received certain concessions from IT as befitting his stature. This was not the case at his new employer, despite his unwillingness to believe such a thing.

Upon arrival and orientation, his user account was created. The automated system in place doled out his new username, which was jbrentwood. He did not like this. A ticket came into my queue, requesting in very firm wording that his account be renamed to "ImJackBrentwood" (caps inclusive).

Now, requests to change user names is nothing new. Women requested them all the time to dispose of their maiden names. However, this was generally discouraged given the extremely large infrastructure in place at this company. Instead, an offer was made to create an email alias with the desired new name. Ninety percent of the time, this was acceptable. If it wasn't, we could change the name, but the user would be unable to log in to any network services for round-about four hours.

Jbrentwood was insistent that we rename his account. An email alias would not be acceptable - he MUST be able to log into any internal service using "ImJackBrentwood." To reinforce the fact that he had to be able to log into any internal service using "ImJackBrentwood," he attached his email signature, which contained his Skype name, AIM screenname, Yahoo screenname, MSN screenname, and Twitter, all of which were "ImJackBrentwood." Presumably, the passwords for all of these services were either identical or variations on a theme, but this was mere theory on my part. It was the only sane excuse I could think up - perhaps he had a strange condition that necessitated muscle memory in order to fill in a username box.

And so, jbrentwood became ImJackBrentwood, and there was much rejoicing.

A month later, another ticket came into the queue which I immediately grabbed due to the unusual username - ImJackBrentwood. ImJackBrentwood, it seemed, required some internet-facing web space on which to store preview advertisement banners for clients. This was not a simple request. Any content that faced the internet at large was handled by a very specific group of gatekeepers. What ImJackBrentwood required - a windows file share where he could drag and drop files to appear magically on the public internet - was flat out against the rules.

The company had many services that were exposed to the internet and allowed user-generated content. Surely one of those would suffice? Negative - the 20MB quota would not do for such important tasks as previewing advertisement banners.

And so ImJackBrentwood's request was escalated, per policy, to the first gates of Network Security. Network Security understood the request, and described an enormous list of checks, bylaws, and regulations that would have to be satisfied before an easement could be granted between ImJackBrentwood's explorer.exe and The Internet.

All of IT rested that evening, for no one had completed the herculean task of satisfying Network Security's boilerplate regulations without support from The Almighty.

A week later, an email roughly the size of a professional athlete's prenuptial agreement appeared in the ticket. Network Security's bluff had been called by ImJackBrentwood! Newspapers were stopped and the ticket, per policy, was duly sent to the Black Gate of Sysops.

The Sysops denied the request within fifteen minutes.

ImJackBrentwood raised a fuss and had the ticket escalated.

The BoFH on duty denied the request within ten minutes.

ImJackBrentwood raised a fuss and had the ticket escalated.

The King Sysop denied the request within five minutes.

ImJackBrentwood raised a fuss and had the ticket escalated.

The Emperor Sysop of the Western Hemisphere examined the ticket, and wrote an email which to the best of my memory read verbatim:

quote:

Dear Sir,

This task you have described would require a redesign of our infrastructure and incur an estimated cost of $100,000 in new hardware purchases as well as $10,000 in labor.

From examining the ticket and inferring time spent on this issue, over $1,500 of company time has been consumed on your request. This could have purchased several years worth of third party hosting which would have satisfied both your needs and our security policies.

Request denied.

ImJackBrentwood resigned a month later and moved to Mexico.

Post your woes of indecipherable requests for the needful, vent about printers and new hires, and learn some cool stuff in this thread.

Some recommended/required reading:
Midelne's saga of trimuph
Dick Trauma's pod adventures
Corvette Fisher/Dilbert As gently caress's journey to the promised land
blackswordca's stories to date

The YOTJ emoticon: came from the old thread.

Pictures:

Dick Trauma posted:

Old images I dug up:

1. This was the result of my first pass through the storage room at my old place. All of this is worthless old poo poo Tony was saving. I actually got into arguments with him over some of this crap. All of this is from 2009/2010.







2. Here's Tony's idea of organized server room cabling:



Don't go chasing waterfalls... but if you must you'll find one in front of the switches.



3. Not once but TWICE when he had a server room run of around 10 feet he used a 100 FOOT CABLE. And all that yellow cable? It's one freaking cable woven up and down the rack over and over.




4. I built a web-based trouble ticket system. When the helpdesk guy went on leave for five weeks this is what the stats looked like not long before I quit. For the first time.:



When I forced the CIO (our boss) to confront Tony with his lack of output he responded with tickets like this, featuring one of his favorite misused words:



I saved an email where I was complaining to the CIO that when a temp started Tony turned it into SIX tickets. What a horrible rat bastard he was.

Sickening posted:

Oldie but Goodie.

Hello test equipment which became production.



Kuros posted:



A minor effort made.

toe shoes posted:

Here is something that should probably go in the OP, company_loyalty.txt

Sham I Am posted:

Why yes I am IT,
But no longer the desk,
Why not send them an email?
Yes that would be best.

You "pinged" them you say,
And had no reply?
Who else will fix it?
No one else but I.

So tell me just now
The issue you had?
And let me assure you,
It can't be that bad.

You pressed on this icon?
Click
Click
Click
Click
But no paper comes out
Not even a lick?

Like all good IT
I start from the start,
And check that the printer
Is set as default.

Next I look to the tray,
And click on the spool
Alas it is empty
I do feel the fool

Everything here
It looks like its right
So I walk to the printer
"Could you turn on that light?"

I pull up the top
No toner depleted,
I look in the drawer
There is paper to feed it.

Issues we've had
In the past with this type
So lets cut to the chase
And avoid all the hype

Crack open the panel
The ram is well seated
Not sure what to do
I may be defeated!

What is this then
That catches my eye?
Something is amiss
And also awry

A card with no lights
Not a blink to be seen
I will check that out next,
What else can be gleaned?

I follow the cable,
Straight to the patch
But before I get far
I find a small catch

For the cable you see,
Between printer and jack
Has somehow been cut
Straight through and in half!

"Well now" I say
"I have found whats amiss
Does anyone know
What happened to this?"

No answers are had
Four people stand silent
But they see from my look
I am about to get violent

"It's not us to blame"
one engineer squeaks
"It must have been IT
When you fixed it last week!"


A new hero emerges! Click for the saga of larchesdanrew, worth the read...


kensei fucked around with this message at Sep 22, 2016 around 04:55

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Volmarias
Dec 31, 2002


Excellent, a new thread.

A resume came in! Or rather, entire truckloads. Some resume tips if you wish to get an actual interview:

- Proofead your resume ... if you make thes kinds of gramatical and spelling errors what kind of code do you think we think you will write
- When including references to applications that you've published, you may wish to remove the ones with only one review, which is for 1 star.
- I'm glad that your debugging skills are so good that you felt compelled to point this out in your resume. Sadly, it doesn't indicate what you think it does.
- Want to let us know how good you are? Then by means let us know that you are an expert in (insert 10 random widget classes here). This gives us an excellent indicator of your caliber.
- Sometimes, listing too many technologies and skills is as bad as listing too few, especially when they're skills you (and the rest of the world) haven't used for decades.

My kingdom for a competent mobile developer prospect

taremva
Mar 5, 2009


A hundred tickets came in:

I love working solo when everyone comes back from vacation. I was lucky nothing actually broke yesterday.

mysteryberto
Apr 25, 2006
IIAM

Volmarias posted:

Excellent, a new thread.

A resume came in! Or rather, entire truckloads. Some resume tips if you wish to get an actual interview:

- Proofead your resume ... if you make thes kinds of gramatical and spelling errors what kind of code do you think we think you will write
- When including references to applications that you've published, you may wish to remove the ones with only one review, which is for 1 star.
- I'm glad that your debugging skills are so good that you felt compelled to point this out in your resume. Sadly, it doesn't indicate what you think it does.
- Want to let us know how good you are? Then by means let us know that you are an expert in (insert 10 random widget classes here). This gives us an excellent indicator of your caliber.
- Sometimes, listing too many technologies and skills is as bad as listing too few, especially when they're skills you (and the rest of the world) haven't used for decades.

My kingdom for a competent mobile developer prospect

The best is people including headshots for an IT job.

Glans Dillzig
Nov 23, 2011



knickerbocker expert


Alright, ground floor.

For content: rumour around the office is that we're going to lose one of our (already severely understaffed) members. we've already lost 3 with no replacement since last year...

SEKCobra
Feb 28, 2011


mysteryberto posted:

The best is people including headshots for an IT job.

Headshots are normal for all CVs here, is this not true for you guys?

Factory Factory
Mar 19, 2010

Oh dear, oh my,
that shouldn't be said.


SEKCobra posted:

Headshots are normal for all CVs here, is this not true for you guys?

Nope. European CVs are about the person. US resumes are about skills, degrees, and other measures of the value an employer can extract.

Billy the Mountain
Feb 3, 2005

I used to be TheRealLuquado


Word came down the one of our 4 desktop guys has finally gotten fired. It's about 5 months overdue.

The final straw was I think last week when instead of adding another users email address as an alias to another account in Postini; he deleted the account he was supposed to add the alias on to.

Yeah, the account with 10 years of legal, financial and health record emails that need to be archived for a decade as per HIPPA. Those emails are now gone, and we have Postini trying to recover them for us but it doesn't look good.

Now that he's been fired I might start telling some stories of the man I shall call Matt.

SEKCobra
Feb 28, 2011


Factory Factory posted:

Nope. European CVs are about the person. US resumes are about skills, degrees, and other measures of the value an employer can extract.

Well you probably won't get a job if you don't include your qualifications here, but you are right, we have a lot of stuff about unrelated education and such. Heh, I never noticed this before.

Dr. Arbitrary
Mar 15, 2006

You're trying to say that you like DOS better then me, right?



Bleak Gremlin

SEKCobra posted:

Headshots are normal for all CVs here, is this not true for you guys?

I think the idea is the only reason you'd need a head shot for most jobs is to discriminate illegally.

sfwarlock
Aug 11, 2007


SEKCobra posted:

Headshots are normal for all CVs here, is this not true for you guys?

I was told only include a headshot for modeling/etc.

Scyantific
Feb 13, 2011

Awaken, Tribunal


Billy the Mountain posted:

Word came down the one of our 4 desktop guys has finally gotten fired. It's about 5 months overdue.

The final straw was I think last week when instead of adding another users email address as an alias to another account in Postini; he deleted the account he was supposed to add the alias on to.

Yeah, the account with 10 years of legal, financial and health record emails that need to be archived for a decade as per HIPPA. Those emails are now gone, and we have Postini trying to recover them for us but it doesn't look good.

Now that he's been fired I might start telling some stories of the man I shall call Matt.

Please do

Let me ask, is this guy as bad as Dick Trauma's "Tony" (that was the name he was using for him here, right?)?

SEKCobra
Feb 28, 2011


Dr. Arbitrary posted:

I think the idea is the only reason you'd need a head shot for most jobs is to discriminate illegally.

Well I always assumed it's so that HR can go "THAT GUYS FAT, NOPE" "DON'T LIKE HIS FACE, BYE". Since it's their choice who to hire, you can't really get around it. Also we don't have that many black people to have problems with racism, our foreigners are clearly distinguishable by their name.

Ursine Asylum
Jul 10, 2012

dreaming of that face again

it's bright and blue and shimmering

grinning wide and comforting me with it's three warm and wild eyes


Billy the Mountain posted:

Now that he's been fired I might start telling some stories of the man I shall call Matt.



Maggot Monster posted:

I had a pretty good experience. However I can replicate his formula for you so you can DIY. Basically take your resume and every single time you mention something without specifics, add specific details. Seriously, a solid 99% of the work we did was him highlighting things in my resume and saying HOW MANY, HOW OFTEN, FOR WHO, WHEN? and me filling in the details for like 20 back and forths.

Yeah that really is what it boils down to. Also don't start bullet points off with "assisted with" or "helped with", even if it's true and you're modest. "Responsible for X part of Y project" works though, if you're specific on what X part did and how many people used Y project.

Dravs
Mar 8, 2011

You've done well, kiddo.

SEKCobra posted:

Well I always assumed it's so that HR can go "THAT GUYS FAT, NOPE" "DON'T LIKE HIS FACE, BYE". Since it's their choice who to hire, you can't really get around it. Also we don't have that many black people to have problems with racism, our foreigners are clearly distinguishable by their name.

They get around not being allowed a headmugshot where I work by calling in people for interview and after they have proven to be perfectly qualified for the job the CIO comes in and will veto anyone he does not "like the look of" (his words).

Blaminator
Apr 15, 2007

"He seriously didn't go mech?"


quote:

On my old I phone I have some music that has not copied over when I upgraded because its music copied over from CDís. From a long time ago I remember opening up I tunes and copying it onto a folder on my pc and then plugging in my new phone and just added the library to it but it does not seem to work now. When you have a minute and you know how can you come up and have a look please?

So much for being the new Senior Systems Administrator job title I've acquired.

rolleyes
Nov 16, 2006

Sometimes you have to roll the hard... two?

SEKCobra posted:

Well I always assumed it's so that HR can go "THAT GUYS FAT, NOPE" "DON'T LIKE HIS FACE, BYE". Since it's their choice who to hire, you can't really get around it. Also we don't have that many black people to have problems with racism, our foreigners are clearly distinguishable by their name.

Actually, at least in the UK, you are advised (even on government websites) not to include a photo or any indication of your ethnicity, gender or age when applying for a job. Obviously gender can generally be judged from your name, but don't explicitly state male/female.

Why? Because these are protected categories under discrimination law, so the rationale is to not give employers any chance to discriminate (until they've at least met you I guess).

jre
Sep 2, 2011

To the cloud ?






Tasty Wheat
Jul 18, 2012



Blaminator posted:

So much for being the new Senior Systems Administrator job title I've acquired.

Manager: Hey, can you go look at the PM's cell phone?
Me: Funny, I did not know that Cisco start making cell phones.
Manager: Well you know that he only like dealing with American's.
Me: Yeah, I know, ok, fine, well do, he up there now?
Manager: Yeah, he is there waiting on you.
Me: Great (as I walk one flight of stairs, take an elevator for two more and walk one more flight. I always think of the documentary "The Smartest Guys in the Room" as I walk to that office suite)

Me: Afternoon, what can I do for you?
PM: When, when I landed in Dubai, my cell phone was not picking up carrier, so I factory reset my phone and now all my ring tones are gone.
Me: Funny, so you erased all the music you copied into it?
PM: No, all the ring tones the phone came with, there are all erased.
Me: Funny-er, I did not know that you could even erase that from a Nokia phone

(It's the only Nokia smart phone on the project, we paid $900 US for it, so the PM could carry his Corp issued iPhone and his project paid personal phone)

Me: Well let me take a look at it please, if you don't mind. You know, Adrian is way better with Nokia (he's European and the biggest Nokia fanboy).
Me: Oh, I really have no idea what I am doing here, do you have the manual for this thing?
Me: Oh, I think I see it now, you just need to work on this menu, here are all the factory ringtones.
PM: Thank you...

I walked out of the office listening to a virtual symphony. Job titles mean nothing when there's trump yours, LOL.

dennyk
Jan 2, 2005

Cheese-Buyer's Remorse



At least you were doing replication as well as your regular mysqldumps/XtraBackups, so you didn't lose much, right?

Cojawfee
May 31, 2006

THE CLAMPS!
or clamp like device




Tasty Wheat posted:

Manager: Hey, can you go look at the PM's cell phone?
Me: Funny, I did not know that Cisco start making cell phones.
Manager: Well you know that he only like dealing with American's.
Me: Yeah, I know, ok, fine, well do, he up there now?
Manager: Yeah, he is there waiting on you.
Me: Great (as I walk one flight of stairs, take an elevator for two more and walk one more flight. I always think of the documentary "The Smartest Guys in the Room" as I walk to that office suite)

Me: Afternoon, what can I do for you?
PM: When, when I landed in Dubai, my cell phone was not picking up carrier, so I factory reset my phone and now all my ring tones are gone.
Me: Funny, so you erased all the music you copied into it?
PM: No, all the ring tones the phone came with, there are all erased.
Me: Funny-er, I did not know that you could even erase that from a Nokia phone

(It's the only Nokia smart phone on the project, we paid $900 US for it, so the PM could carry his Corp issued iPhone and his project paid personal phone)

Me: Well let me take a look at it please, if you don't mind. You know, Adrian is way better with Nokia (he's European and the biggest Nokia fanboy).
Me: Oh, I really have no idea what I am doing here, do you have the manual for this thing?
Me: Oh, I think I see it now, you just need to work on this menu, here are all the factory ringtones.
PM: Thank you...

I walked out of the office listening to a virtual symphony. Job titles mean nothing when there's trump yours, LOL.

It's important to clarify or have someone above you clarify what it is you do. Not doing that is how I ended up having to install power for desks as network infrastructure technician.

Sirotan
Oct 17, 2006

Sirotan is a seal.


Yo movax, were we closing the 'poo poo you come across daily' thread as well and combining it with this one? Or was that not the plan?


Edit: grammers

Sirotan fucked around with this message at Aug 13, 2013 around 13:20

jre
Sep 2, 2011

To the cloud ?





dennyk posted:

At least you were doing replication as well as your regular mysqldumps/XtraBackups, so you didn't lose much, right?

Didn't lose anything as it was the old DB server I was decommissioning and it promptly died when I tried to copy some
stuff off it. Glad we moved production off it a month ago.

However, asked our hosting company to power cycle it to see if I could get it responding again and they switched off a different machine which is still down an hour later.

Lum
Aug 13, 2003



Dr. Arbitrary posted:

I think the idea is the only reason you'd need a head shot for most jobs is to discriminate illegally.

Until reading this point, I was trying to work out what a "headshot" even was in this context and the closest I could come up with was someone posting their kill/death stats in CounterStrike or some poo poo.


Is this the part of the thread now where we discuss what needs to be in the OP.

Things I can think of would be:
- Summary of Midelne's woes with his old drunk dead boss and then Rod who was even worse - the first ticket thread superstar
- Summary of Dick Trauma / Rod / the whole "in a pod" meme
- YOTJ

Any others?

Also voting that the next thread be named: FW: RE: A ticket came in....

Lum fucked around with this message at Aug 13, 2013 around 13:27

kensei
Dec 27, 2007

Bo Knows Posting


Lum posted:

until reading this point, I was trying to work out what a "headshot" even was in this context and the closest I could come up with was someone posting their kill/death stats in CounterStrike or some poo poo.


Is this the part of the thread now where we discuss what needs to be in the OP.

Things I can think of would be:
- Summary of Midelne's woes with his old drunk dead boss and then Rod who was even worse - the first ticket thread superstar
- Summary of Dick Trauma / Rod / the whole "in a pod" meme
- YOTJ

Any others?

There were so, so many, I had no idea what to put in. Let me know what you think deserves to be in there and I will add it.

quote:

Also voting that the next thread be named: FW: RE: A ticket came in....

Glad the joke did not go unnoticed

JohnnyCanuck
May 28, 2004

Strong And/Or Free


Somebody should compile blackswordca's posts and our growing horror to his entire situation.

Lum
Aug 13, 2003



kensei posted:

There were so, so many, I had no idea what to put in. Let me know what you think deserves to be in there and I will add it.

Thinking something like:

Midelne:

The first ticket thread superstar. Had a boss that used to drive into work drunk in the evenings and start randomly re-arranging servers in the racks. This boss was eventually killed off by another drunk driver and replaced by a guy named Rod who was somehow even worse. Midelne now works for another company and doesn't post much.

(include some quoted posts here)

Dick Trauma:

The second to post an ongoing saga of management incompetence, this time at the hands of Tony, a guy who came up with this solution to the server room overheat alarm sounding.

(that picture of the fan pointing at the thermostat)

Dick has now moved to another company, one that provides literal free lunches, occasionally posts about how awesome it is, and is usually told "get back in your pod" reference to the V1.0 of The Matrix.

YOTJ - Year of the Job:

A term invented after many posters with horrible jobs all found much better ones. YOTJ has currently been ongoing for about 900 days at this point.




Not sure who else needs to be included. CorvetteFisher as the poster child for abusive employer Stockholm Syndrome perhaps? Someone else can write that one.

Humbug Scoolbus
Apr 25, 2008

The scarlet letter was her passport into regions where other women dared not tread. Shame, Despair, Solitude! These had been her teachers, stern and wild ones, and they had made her strong, but taught her much amiss.


Lum posted:

Until reading this point, I was trying to work out what a "headshot" even was in this context and the closest I could come up with was someone posting their kill/death stats in CounterStrike or some poo poo.


Is this the part of the thread now where we discuss what needs to be in the OP.

Things I can think of would be:
- Summary of Midelne's woes with his old drunk dead boss and then Rod who was even worse - the first ticket thread superstar
- Summary of Dick Trauma / Rod / the whole "in a pod" meme
- YOTJ

Any others?

Also voting that the next thread be named: FW: RE: A ticket came in....

The endless horror of blackswordca's sitcom job?

gently caress. Beaten!

rolleyes
Nov 16, 2006

Sometimes you have to roll the hard... two?

Sirotan posted:

Yo movax, were we closing the 'poo poo you come across daily' thread as well and combining it with this one? Or was that not the plan?


Edit: grammers

Personally I'd rather this didn't happen. They do cover different topics, to an extent.

mpyro
Feb 9, 2003

'Cause I live and breathe this Fillydelphia freedom


Shame a new topic. Wasn't even halfway done reading the horrors within the last one.

EAT THE EGGS RICOLA
May 29, 2008



mpyro posted:

Shame a new topic. Wasn't even halfway done reading the horrors within the last one.

It's really too bad that they just delete threads when they're done.

KweezNArt
Jul 29, 2007


Lum posted:

Also voting that the next thread be named: FW: RE: A ticket came in....

Followed by: "MY TICKET - URGENT! (Was: FW: RE: A ticket came in...)"

Shalhavet
Dec 9, 2010

This post is terrible


EAT THE EGGS RICOLA posted:

It's really too bad that they just delete threads when they're done.

It's in the Comedy Goldmine.

jre
Sep 2, 2011

To the cloud ?





3 hours later, hosting company still apparently unable to locate on button for server they switched off by mistake.

EAT THE EGGS RICOLA
May 29, 2008



Shalhavet posted:

It's in the Comedy Goldmine.

Excuse me I think I know how forums work also why else would mpyro be saying that.

taremva
Mar 5, 2009


"Why you should get a new job and learn to stand up for yourself." By Corvettefisher.

Guy Axlerod
Dec 29, 2008


EAT THE EGGS RICOLA posted:

It's really too bad that they just delete threads when they're done.

Subject: Thread deleted
Priority: Critical

Please restore immediately, this is affecting production!!!!1



Shalhavet posted:

It's in the Comedy Goldmine.

Rhymenoserous
May 23, 2008


jre posted:

3 hours later, hosting company still apparently unable to locate on button for server they switched off by mistake.



This is code for "The server isn't in the rack where it should be".

I worked in webhosting, I loved finding a server with an asset tag on the opposite side of a 2000 square foot datacenter from where it should be.

Kyrosiris
May 24, 2006

You try to be happy when everyone is summoning you everywhere to "be their friend".

A ticket reply came in:

"Why should I be responsible for what my end users do on this server?"

Uh... because you pay for it?

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THF13
Sep 26, 2007

Keep an adversary in the dark about what you're capable of, and he has to assume the worst.


Requesting one of my favorite moments from the previous thread, fan pointed at thermostat.jpg

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