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The Third Man
Nov 5, 2005

I know how much you like ponies so I got you a ponies avatar bro


I just ruined a batch of buttercream for my wife's birthday cake by using salted butter

And wasted a pound of nice Amish butter. God loving dammit.

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Gatts
Jan 2, 2001

Goodnight Moon


Nap Ghost

I once made an omelet when I was young mixing up sugar for salt. Yeah.

Drifter
Oct 22, 2000

Belated Bear Witness


Soiled Meat

Gatts posted:

I once made an omelet when I was young mixing up sugar for salt. Yeah.

That wouldn't in any way prevent me from eating it.

Fluffy Bunnies
Jan 9, 2009

I actually fully support ICE


I set a pan on fire with just an electric stove coil and a half teaspoon of butter. Then I posted pictures on here. I still have that pan. I think I ignited it again too since then.

I also attempted to make a cake on one of those electric skillets. I followed the recipe and everything, but it ended up looking like burnt chocolate sugar brittle instead of anything edible. I was 7 and my grandmother had given me that and a box of macaroni to make (not mac n cheese, plain macaraoni noodles), so I ate it anyway. If I remember right, I ended up breaking it up tiny and making some weird scrambled egg thing with it. Chocolate scrambled eggs were incredibly bad.

Cpt. Spring Types
Feb 19, 2004

Wait, what?

Gatts posted:

I once made an omelet when I was young mixing up sugar for salt. Yeah.

I once made macaroni and cheese, and used sweetened condensed milk instead of evaporated milk. Somehow I didn't realize my mistake until I was eating it. It was horrifying.

Also very recently I had been cooking some kind of stir fry thing on the stove, and while I was cooking that, decided to put some cookies in the oven. I neglected to set a timer, so after I was done on the stove, I went and ate, and forgot about the cookies, which burned badly obviously. I took the cookie sheet out of the oven and set it on the stove to cool off, but I didn't realize until my apartment was filled with a nauseous smoke that I had left the stove on. DOUBLE BURN.

Yeah, I'm a pro.

Mindless
Dec 7, 2001

WANTED: INFO on Mindless. Anything! Everything! Send to

Pillbug

Trying to impress my now girlfriend of 7 years, I attempted a bananas foster. Unfortunately in my haste to make the date I had bought cheap diluted rum which did not light. Confused as to what was going wrong, I kept adding more and more, turning up the heat, tipping the pan into the flame until I had a syrupy burnt caramel disaster oozing into my stove. In defeat I threw my palmed pinch of ground cinnamon into it, which did not sparkle and delight as was intended.

rigeek
Jun 12, 2006


Mindless posted:

Trying to impress my now girlfriend of 7 years, I attempted a bananas foster. Unfortunately in my haste to make the date I had bought cheap diluted rum which did not light. Confused as to what was going wrong, I kept adding more and more, turning up the heat, tipping the pan into the flame until I had a syrupy burnt caramel disaster oozing into my stove. In defeat I threw my palmed pinch of ground cinnamon into it, which did not sparkle and delight as was intended.

I can beat this one... Bananas Foster. I did the whole thing, and the plan was to ignite the rum using one of those long lighter things. As I was walking out my back door with the flaming pan (guests were outside) the loving dog tripped me and the whole flaming pan went flying into the back yard.

Gentwise
Sep 12, 2003
Gentwise Bankfourthe, Esquire.

rigeek posted:

I can beat this one... Bananas Foster. I did the whole thing, and the plan was to ignite the rum using one of those long lighter things. As I was walking out my back door with the flaming pan (guests were outside) the loving dog tripped me and the whole flaming pan went flying into the back yard.

At least it didn't land on the dog!

The Midniter
Jul 9, 2001



One time I made chicken and dumplings using the recipe given to me by the down home deeply Southern aunt of the girl I was dating at the time. Ingredients? Bone-in chicken legs, Annie's frozen dumplings, water, chicken bouillon. Basically you add the dumplings into the stock you boiled the chicken legs in and cook the hell out of them until they turn into doughy mush. This results in a lot of reduction so you need to add some water to compensate. The first time I made this, I forgot that step and had added enough bouillon to taste pre-reduction. This resulted in an inedibly salty viscous chicken slop. Oh well!

EDIT: Oh yeah and the day I learned this recipe from her was Thanksgiving. For this Thanksgiving, I brought a mac and cheese I made following Alton Brown's recipe. At this point in time I didn't understand the concept of what it means when a sauce "breaks" - the entire dish was broken and it was an oily, disgusting mess. Being the Southerners-with-Midwestern-level-adventurous-cuisines, it was still a huge hit with them.

Batting 0/2!

The Midniter fucked around with this message at Sep 10, 2013 around 17:14

evobatman
Jul 30, 2006

it means nothing, but says everything!

Guildenstern Mother
Mar 31, 2010

Why walk when you can ride?

Its like a roast and a tie dye shirt had a baby and the baby died and was left in the woods for a month. Good god, what is that thing?

Marta Velasquez
Mar 9, 2013

Good thing I was feeling suicidal this morning...


Fallen Rib

^^^ edit: It looks like a frozen turkey that was cooked in the shrink wrap.


I went to middle school across the street from where I lived. Because I got home hours before the rest of my family, I started cooking dinner for my family before I was in high school. My mom had been through multiple house fires as a child, so I wasn't allowed to do anything stovetop. I mostly made soups and casseroles.

After watching a few Iron Chef reruns, I decided to make a soup out of everything we had available. The I remember it consisted of a mix of canned vegetables (carrots, potatoes, string beans, corn, and probably others) and uncooked short pasta, probably ditalini. I dumped all that into our crock pot. On Iron Chef, there was a broth that was made from some kind of stock and white wine. We had no stock, so I used Mountain Dew and white cooking wine with a ton of Italian seasoning, black pepper, and lots of salt. After all, Alton Brown says not to be afraid of it; it adds flavor.

Later, when disaster struck because the pasta had absorbed up so much of my magic broth, I had to add more liquid. Alton says that water "doesn't bring a lot of flavor to the party," so I used the only other thing we had in the fridge: a bottle of Arizona Green Tea and some Pepsi. I filled the 2 gal. crock pot to the brim.

My mom, dad, and sister are extremely picky eaters for home cooked meals. They'll gladly say they don't like something and go get Burger King instead. It's happened multiple times, especially when I was first learning.

I don't remember the taste of my monstrosity. I remember I had one bowl of it, and when I went back over to the pot, it was empty. It was the first thing and only thing I've ever made in my entire life that they competed to get third helpings. It's been ~15 years, and they still mention "the best minestrone" they've ever had. It comes up every time Olive Garden is mentioned because that's the second best they've ever had.

I feel like I just became diabetic by typing this out. Looking back, if we had yellow American cheese or mayo, I would have added that, too.

Pookah
Aug 21, 2008

Caw





WanderingMinstrel I posted:

Its like a roast and a tie dye shirt had a baby and the baby died and was left in the woods for a month. Good god, what is that thing?

I think it's a pre-cooked chicken that someone put into a hot oven in the plastic packaging, which then shrank and sealed itself to the bird.

Dammit, I've just spent the last 5 minutes rotating the image trying to work out what the lettering in the top half says.

VVV Thank you! - I read it as *kvllin* and google translate directed me towards finnish/estonian which was very misleading VVV

Pookah fucked around with this message at Sep 10, 2013 around 20:47

BlueGrot
Jun 25, 2010



It says ...KYLLING, which is norwegian for chicken.

jadebullet
Mar 25, 2011


MY LIFE FOR YOU!

I have two.

The first, I was making apple pie for the first time. I had the recipe up on my computer, and I was rushing back and forth looking at the ingredients list like an idiot. Anyway, I accidentally created a cinnamon challenge pie when I added 1/3 cup of cinnamon rather than 1/3 teaspoon. The reason. Another ingredient used 1/3 of a cup and the fraction and measurement size were separated from each other by a black line and I didn't pay enough attention.


The second was today. I decided to surprise my fiance with some cupcakes when she gets home. Anyway, I made a nice peanut butter cupcake for the bottom and made frosting for the first time, deciding on a grape frosting. So I whipped up some frosting as per the recipe, and took some fresh red grapes, diced them real small, and boiled them down in a pot with some lovely sweet wine, before adding the very hot grape mixture directly into the frosting which immediately melted. It is still frosting, and the cupcakes still taste delicious, but they are a runny sticky mess, despite the mixture spending time in the fridge for several hours before I put it on the cupcakes.

Null of Undefined
Aug 4, 2010

I have used 41 of 300 characters allowed.


jadebullet posted:

I have two.

The first, I was making apple pie for the first time. I had the recipe up on my computer, and I was rushing back and forth looking at the ingredients list like an idiot. Anyway, I accidentally created a cinnamon challenge pie when I added 1/3 cup of cinnamon rather than 1/3 teaspoon. The reason. Another ingredient used 1/3 of a cup and the fraction and measurement size were separated from each other by a black line and I didn't pay enough attention.


The second was today. I decided to surprise my fiance with some cupcakes when she gets home. Anyway, I made a nice peanut butter cupcake for the bottom and made frosting for the first time, deciding on a grape frosting. So I whipped up some frosting as per the recipe, and took some fresh red grapes, diced them real small, and boiled them down in a pot with some lovely sweet wine, before adding the very hot grape mixture directly into the frosting which immediately melted. It is still frosting, and the cupcakes still taste delicious, but they are a runny sticky mess, despite the mixture spending time in the fridge for several hours before I put it on the cupcakes.

I feel like you should have noticed that the cinnamon level was off when you started opening your fourth bottle of cinnamon...

Guildenstern Mother
Mar 31, 2010

Why walk when you can ride?

So I made this chocolate cream pie. The filling was great, the crust was not terrible. The real problem with the crust was that it wasn't nearly as cooled as I thought it was, so when I started pouring the filling it it immediately began to melt. Thinking quickly I grabbed the pie in its glass pie pan and held it inside the freezer thinking that somehow this would stop the freezing process. Not only did it not do anything useful, I let the glass pie pan graze against the frosty freezer shelf causing the whole pie to explode. I found parts of pie in other rooms and everything in the freezer was covered in chocolate cream pie filling. I'm still terrified of pie making as a result.

jadebullet
Mar 25, 2011


MY LIFE FOR YOU!

Peenmaster posted:

I feel like you should have noticed that the cinnamon level was off when you started opening your fourth bottle of cinnamon...

I have a big rear end bottle of cinnamon.

The Moon Monster
Dec 30, 2005
THIS CUSTOM TITLE WILL COME IN HANDY WHILE LURKING


One time I made a spinach ricotta pie and didn't feel like making a crust. I only had a graham cracker crust available so I used that. It was absolutely disgusting. To this day I have no idea what I was thinking, it's not like I was a completely inexperienced/clueless cook.

Tweek
Feb 1, 2005

I have more disposable income than you.


WanderingMinstrel I posted:

So I made this chocolate cream pie. The filling was great, the crust was not terrible. The real problem with the crust was that it wasn't nearly as cooled as I thought it was, so when I started pouring the filling it it immediately began to melt. Thinking quickly I grabbed the pie in its glass pie pan and held it inside the freezer thinking that somehow this would stop the freezing process. Not only did it not do anything useful, I let the glass pie pan graze against the frosty freezer shelf causing the whole pie to explode. I found parts of pie in other rooms and everything in the freezer was covered in chocolate cream pie filling. I'm still terrified of pie making as a result.

As soon as I read the word, "freezer" I knew where this was going and said, "you poor bastard..."

My friends and I did that with a tray of pot brownies once. There was at least half an O in there, so we just had to chew carefully around the glass.

Barnum Brown Shoes
Jan 29, 2013


Yeah, I once deglazed a pyrex dish directly out of the oven.

Null of Undefined
Aug 4, 2010

I have used 41 of 300 characters allowed.


On the topic of exploding glass

One of my friends back in highschool was preheating my oven to make pizza, but he didn't check the oven first, so he didn't know that there was a pyrex dish in there.

When he opened the oven and saw the dish, he thought "Oh no, I have to cool this off!"

So he gets the sink running with cold water, and puts it in. It of course explodes into glass shards everywhere.

He had no idea about the laws of thermodynamics. He was also a big time jerkass in general.

He wouldn't even clean it up after. He said it wasn't his fault because he had no way of knowing that it would explode.

GlyconsCat
Sep 4, 2013


Some years ago, I figured out another good reason not to waste olive oil by pouring it into boiling pasta water: if the pot boils over, that oily water hits the element and ignites. And boy howdy it ignites impressively.

This was for a dinner party, too, so my guests got to wonder how I'd managed to set fire to boiling water.

I've also turned Cream of Wheat into a solid by using way too much farina (I didn't realize it firms up as it cooks) and set fire to toasters (they're serious about that "pop-tart setting" thing).

About ten years ago I was making these neat-sounding Greek cookies. They involve making an Italian meringue sort of thing (pouring super-hot sugar syrup into hard-peak egg whites), adding some other stuff, then plopping the result onto a pan and baking. They were in for about ten minutes before I licked some errant meringue off my fingers and realized I was basically cooking marshmallows and scrambled to get them out of the oven. My boyfriend loved them, but if I'd let them stay in there for the length of time and temperature the recipe'd dictated, they would have been like burnt campfire marshmallows, not divinity-ish confections. I'd never made that kind of meringue before so I had no idea.

rndmnmbr
Jul 3, 2012



I watched my brother burn a bowl of cold cereal once.

Three things to note: first, we were pretty poor growing up; second, we lived (briefly) in what was basically a totally uninsulated house, and had the habit of firing up a burner on the stove (electric) and opening the cabinets under the sink to keep the pipes from freezing when it got particularly cold; third, we had a set of stainless steel bowls we used for cereal bowls (and I really wish I still had them, they were pretty awesome).

So I'm in the entryway, and I watch him pour a bowl of Frosted Flakes. He opened the fridge, noted that we were out of milk, sets the bowl down on the hot burner, and went to the pantry for a can of evaporated milk to reconstitute. He walked back to the other side of the kitchen, opened the can and dumped it in a pitcher, spent a minute or two reading the can, adds the water, stirs for a bit, and only then did he notice that something was burning.

I wish I would have said something along the lines of "Those are guaranteed not to get soggy in milk!", but at that point all I could do was walk back out the back door and laugh myself sick.

Steve Yun
Aug 7, 2003

I
ANALYZE
CARTOONS


Soiled Meat

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7ruOEJ5YsE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OO6yOMqFFJQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyhdMa1ikKM

The aftermaths of the home explosions look way more terrifying than the lab explosions.

Strangely, I had a teapot that was borosilicate. I would heat it up on the stove with no problem, but for some reason a run through the dishwasher with the drying on high made it crack. It wasn't an explosion either, it was a perfectly circular crack on the bottom, through which water could leak very slowly. Really weird.

edit: oh yeah more glass stories. I bought a glass table and two people warned me against them. Both of them involved Thanksgiving and pots fresh off the stove being put on the table. One table shattered into a million pieces, the other one got a perfectly oval hole punched in it.

Steve Yun fucked around with this message at Sep 14, 2013 around 08:21

DessertStorm
Aug 9, 2013



Years before 'official' recipes for Butterbeer, I found a recipe on a fan site that called for just root beer and butter. Gross, but my tubby body was ready. I microwaved the butter, poured a glass of root beer and combined, pumped for some rich Butterbeer goodness. Of course the root beer was straight from the fridge, so the butter chunked up and rose to the top in an absolutely disgusting way. I've hosed up many more dishes since, but this was my first time making something special for myself and it bummed me out for days.

Tweek
Feb 1, 2005

I have more disposable income than you.


I refuse to believe that rootbeer and butter is A Thing.

It sounds like it would be less disgusting to take sips of rootbeer between bites of a stick of butter.

Illinois Smith
Nov 15, 2003

Ninety-one? There are ninety other "Tiger Drivers"? Do any involve actual tigers, or driving?


Note to little kids everywhere: If you put your month-old white chocolate easter bunny in a frying pan you will not end up with delicious vanilla cream. Even though they're both kind of the same color.

The Midniter
Jul 9, 2001



I just remembered this pasta dish I made a couple years back that called for the addition of some corn starch to thicken up the sauce. Well I had zero experience using corn starch and ended up adding probably three to five times the amount it requested. The sauce turned into this gummy, semi-liquid paste. We still ate it and it was actually pretty good but the roommate of the girl I was dating at the time politely picked at his (even though he asked if he could have some).

How Rude
Aug 13, 2012


FUCK THIS SHIT


I work part time at a local mom and pop buffet restaurant and we regularly have Sunday brunch, so the Saturday night before we always have a worker make up a 4-cup pancake batter (4 eggs, 4 cups of flower, 4 cups of milk, and around half a cup of sugar).

I tried to make it up at home with just those ingredients, but they were flat and chewy, almost inedible, nothing like the fluffy and sweet pancakes at work. My boss must add an amount of something else to make it rise. Baking soda maybe?

Fo3
Feb 14, 2004
Interested party

Try flour.
Seriously though, if those four ingredients are the only ingredient they use and you're sure about that, maybe they use self raising flour, or half/half plain and self raising? So maybe you are on the right track.
Maybe you could ask them since you work there?

Replying because, really? That much sugar in pancake batter?
We must do them differently down here, not that i cook them a lot, but standard pancake recipe down here is 1cup flour to 1 egg, to 1.25c milk, with a pinch of salt. If you're fancy, bit of butter and 1tb sugar at the most.

Fo3 fucked around with this message at Sep 16, 2013 around 21:34

wins32767
Mar 16, 2007



I have a number of botches which I'm sure my wife can recount better than I can (especially the one about leaving the cover off the sauce for an hour for her first dinner with my parents) but my favorite one is the first time we made ice cream. Mint is my favorite flavor, so we got the Ben and Jerry's recipe book and gave it a go for a dinner party with some friends. We got everything set up and the can was spinning away nicely so we went inside and chatted. Just before dinner, I pulled the canister and put it in the freezer so by the time we were all done eating and picking up it was mostly solidified.

We passed out the bowls as we scooped, so we got a ripple of reactions. The first person complained that it wasn't very sweet and kinda flavorless, but it was still ok. The next person thought the texture was off but and flavorless but decent. The third person thought it was way too sweet but still flavorless. The fourth person was me. I took a spoonful right off the bottom of the can. The first thing I noticed was that it was mostly ice. The second thing I noticed was that my sinuses were surprisingly clear for allergy season. The third thing I noticed was the horrible burning pain of the mint extract subliming into vapor in my mouth.

Apparently the ingredients had mostly separated, so ate about half a bottle of mint extract in one bite.

Shbobdb
Dec 16, 2010

by Smythe


Yeah, try self-rising flour. Or if that is too much, consider adding some baking soda and baking powder.

Some acid (cream of tartar is a good call) also helps make the egg fluffier.

Falcon2001
Oct 10, 2004

Eat your hamburgers, Apollo.

I've had (at least) three major cockups.

First was when I slapped my new room temperature cast iron skillet down over high heat and walked away when I was preparing steaks. Heard an incredibly loud BANG and came back to find a thin crack through half the skillet. So yeah, that's how I murdered a cast iron skillet.

My fiancee and I make hand pies sometimes by rolling out canned biscuit dough (or our own but honestly TJ's canned dough is pretty good) and then filling them with things like shepherd's pie filling or a meat/peppers mixture and baking them. The other day I thought we had a bad batch of the biscuit dough, because it wasn't coming together when we were rolling it. I kept dusting flour over the top from our handy flour duster thing, but the dough was just sticky and weird.

Long story short - I had grabbed the flour duster full of powdered sugar from waffles the other night, and the first batch all came out looking like croissants. And they were awful. Luckily we saved 2/3 of the pies, but that was still a pretty huge fuckup.

Lastly, when I was a child I went to make some sort of lemon slushy drink thing from a cookbook, and it asked for lemon zest. In my haste to complete the recipe, I performed a mild substitution and served it up to my Mom, who got a really weird look on her face and asked me what was in it. Turns out, lemon pepper is not a suitable replacement for lemon zest.

The Third Man
Nov 5, 2005

I know how much you like ponies so I got you a ponies avatar bro


Falcon2001 posted:

I've had (at least) three major cockups.

First was when I slapped my new room temperature cast iron skillet down over high heat and walked away when I was preparing steaks. Heard an incredibly loud BANG and came back to find a thin crack through half the skillet. So yeah, that's how I murdered a cast iron skillet.
.

That sounds more like a manufacturing cock up to me...

Hispanic! At The Disco
Dec 25, 2011


How Rude posted:

I work part time at a local mom and pop buffet restaurant and we regularly have Sunday brunch, so the Saturday night before we always have a worker make up a 4-cup pancake batter (4 eggs, 4 cups of flower, 4 cups of milk, and around half a cup of sugar).

I tried to make it up at home with just those ingredients, but they were flat and chewy, almost inedible, nothing like the fluffy and sweet pancakes at work. My boss must add an amount of something else to make it rise. Baking soda maybe?

Between the huge amount of sugar, and the fact that it's mixed the night before, you might be missing some yeast.

Doh004
Apr 22, 2007

Mmmmm Donuts...

Pancakes don't generally have yeast but you're right, it's missing some sort of leavening agent (baking powder).

Doh004 fucked around with this message at Sep 17, 2013 around 18:33

Geokinesis
Jan 22, 2012

*snort*


At uni a friend and I were drunk and decided to make a super hot (spicy) cake as a prank, we poured in lots of poo poo like those super hot sauces, wasabi, chilli powder etc. We cooked it and asked another friend to have some cake. Trying not to giggle we watched as he looked at us funnily, ate some cake and then said thanks and went about cooking. Unfortunately it turned out that we'd made a very tasty pleasantly warming cake.

feelz good man
Jan 21, 2007

deal with it


Doh004 posted:

Pancakes don't generally have yeast
Look at how wrong this non-sourdough pancake haver is

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Doh004
Apr 22, 2007

Mmmmm Donuts...

feelz good man posted:

Look at how wrong this non-sourdough pancake haver is

Hence me saying generally. Sourdough pancakes are not the norm, especially at a mom and pop shop.

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