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Casu Marzu
Oct 20, 2008



Doh004 posted:

Hence me saying generally. Sourdough pancakes are not the norm, especially at a mom and pop shop.

maybe they should be

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Doh004
Apr 22, 2007

Mmmmm Donuts...

Casu Marzu posted:

maybe they should be

Maybe every steak should come with a blowjob.

Don't see me complaining here

Tweek
Feb 1, 2005

I have more disposable income than you.


Doh004 posted:

Maybe every steak should come with a blowjob.

Don't see me complaining here

I've tried many things, but not even a blowjob can make a steak come. It's not that kind of meat.

Doh004
Apr 22, 2007

Mmmmm Donuts...

Tell us more about the things that you've tried to make a piece of steak orgasm.

drzrma
Dec 29, 2008


I screwed up big T versus little t for tablespoons and teaspoons a couple times when I was a kid. A tablespoon of baking soda (powder?) makes for terrible pancakes, and a tablespoon of salt gets you a loaf of bread that was completely inedible but made a very serviceable doorstop. I also took a run at fizzy lemonade once, lemon juice is an acid after all and it fizzed great when I added some baking soda. Adding a bit more sugar didn't help in the slightest.

After I moved out I made the independent discovery that butter is quite flammable. I was making some kind of last minute Christmas treat and needed softened butter, throwing it in one of my metal measuring cups next to the lit burner I was using for some other step seemed like the expedient way to deal with the problem. The butter certainly softened. Then smoked. When I inevitable forget to pull butter out now I soften it on a plate next to the fireplace, with the plate being an innovation that came just a couple minutes too late the first time. No fire for that episode at least, just a horrible mess.

repeating
Nov 14, 2005


Used PB2 in a regular peanut butter cookie recipe. Made flat hard things that were only OK to eat for about 90 seconds after leaving the oven. Turns out the other 85 percent of the fat in peanut butter is rather important. Another few tries later we came out with some actually delicious fluffy peanut butter...pancake cookies. Maybe if you rehydrated it with 1/3 peanut oil, 2/3 water?

E: and there's the time I tried to sear a steak while trashed. Preheated the oven at 500 with the skillet in it. Then I barehanded the skillet from the oven to the stovetop. Then I ate a raw steak. Then I went to sleep with a pint glass in my seared hand because the coolness kept the pain down.

repeating fucked around with this message at Sep 24, 2013 around 03:52

dino.
Mar 28, 2010


WHY would you spend a loving fortune on PB2, and then add back the fat that makes it peanut butter? The entire point of it is that you can use it to coat things that you would find too messy with using peanut butter. Use it in an application where it'll actually stand out, and be something special, like Tofu Dango:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PZuMdrYI7E

Instead of the kinako, use the powdered peanut butter.

Or, take some sliced apples, and sprinkle liberally with the PB2. I love apples and peanut butter, but it's so darned messy to make. It would work great on cold soba noodles, where you toss it with a bit of sesame oil, soy sauce, a little hit of sriracha, some sliced scallion, a little bit of ginger, and a few sprinkles of the peanut butter powder. It will mix together without breaking the sesame noodles (as the regular peanut butter tends to do). Delicious. Bake off some sweet potatoes in the oven until they're tender. Slice them open into wedges, and place under the broiler so that the sugars get really caramelly. Sprinkle on some peanut powder instead of butter or sugar. It'll be heavenly.

When you're spending quite so much on a product, use it in places where it'll shine. Dumping it into smoothies, or baked goods is a little silly, as regular peanut butter will do the job.

Flaccid Trip
Apr 29, 2008



I wanted to make a custard pie. Everything went smoothly until I went to temper the eggs. I didn't notice anything was awry until I started baking it and noticed the pie was looking....odd.

"Maybe this is just how custard pie looks. Yes, that's it."

Out of the oven. Cool. Put it into the fridge to set further.

Slice. Bite. COLD SWEET SCRAMBLED EGG PIE.

jadebullet
Mar 25, 2011


MY LIFE FOR YOU!

Do you mind letting me know what you did wrong with the custard? I am sure that I will end up making custard pie at some point, and I would like to learn from your mistake. It is probably something simple that I should know, but I am relatively new to cooking, even though it has now become my favorite hobby, much to the satisfaction of my fiance.


In messup news, I had some leftover German chocolate that I got from my friend about a year ago, so I decided to make fudge out of it, even though I didn't have condensed milk. That went fine, but when I decided to add a candied peanut butter topping on top I made a dumbass decision to use regular sugar rather than powdered sugar. It was pretty tasty, but a bit crunchy. I should have known better. In any case, I fixed the problem by melting it down and turning in into a delicious frosting for some brownies I made.

Zettace
Nov 30, 2009


When you add eggs to a hot mixture you have to add some of the hot mixture slowly into the egg mixture to let the eggs reach a temperature similar to the hot mixture otherwise the eggs will cook in the hot mixture and make scrambled eggs.

Zettace fucked around with this message at Sep 26, 2013 around 00:38

nwin
Feb 25, 2002

make's u think


Fallen Rib

God what a loving rookie mistake tonight. Got my new anova sous vide machine and had some steaks ready to sear for the crust.

Put a cast iron pan and stainless steel pan on high heat. Poured a bit of canola in the smoking cast iron and then put the first steak in- success!!!

The steel pan looked really hot and I put some oil in there- instant fire. Grabbed the pan and went to put it in the sink, then realized that grease fire+ water=bad, so I put the pan on the ground and realized laminate wood floor+ hot pan=bad. Picked up pan again and threw it outside on concrete=good.

All the while the fire was covering my hand.

Ran under cool water and a cold compress for a bit while I ate the steak. Still hurt like a motherfucker so wife brought me to the ER. Only first degree burns, so they cleaned me up and gave me some pills and sent me home.

I feel like such a loving idiot. The steak was drat good though. Time to buy some barkeepers friend.

Zettace
Nov 30, 2009


Next time just stick the lid on the pan.

candywife
Mar 3, 2011


My Mom has this horrible frying pan made out of the thinnest metal I've ever seen. It actually warps when you put it over heat. Anyways, one day I was at her house and decided to make a grilled cheese. All the other pans were in the dishwasher, except for the lovely pan. I briefly debated using a large cooking pot instead, but decided to use the pan with a coating of nonstick spray. I sprayed the pan down, buttered and cheesed my bread, put the sandwich in the pan on LOW heat...not even two minutes later, the sandwich is completely glued to the pan. Not even the mightiest spatula could scrape it free and the sandwich was torn to shreds. It was only released from the pan's evil grasp after it burned enough to crumbled off.
I ended up with what I can only describe as a scrambled pile of cheese and bread, extra well done. Even my brother asked me what the hell I was eating as it was completely unidentifiable as any form of sandwich.

Tweek
Feb 1, 2005

I have more disposable income than you.


I'm confused why you didn't just wash a goddamned pan.

feelz good man
Jan 21, 2007

deal with it


And who puts pans in a dishwasher

nwin
Feb 25, 2002

make's u think


Fallen Rib

Zettace posted:

Next time just stick the lid on the pan.

:Smack: why didn't I think of that.

OtherworldlyInvader
Feb 10, 2005

The X-COM project did not deliver the universe's ultimate cup of coffee. You have failed to save the Earth.




So its late at night, I need dinner, and I really don't want to go to the store. I have sausage so I decide to make biscuits and gravy, because its one of my favorite breakfast foods and gently caress getting up in the morning. I do this a few times per year because the stuff is terrible for you, but oh so good, and its generally impossible to get good biscuits and gravy without cooking them yourself.

So start preparing the biscuits, and immediately disaster strikes. I'm almost out of flour. I pour out the dregs from my flour bin, and empty a plastic bag with about a half cup of flour and my flour sifter in it from when I was making bread the other day. The dough ends up a tad sticker than I'd like, but I put them in the oven and they're looking good, crisis averted! Next I get out the skillet, fry up the sausage, and start making the milk gravy. Then I realize my mistake, I don't have any flour left to thicken the gravy. Panic sets in, biscuits are coming out of the oven, the sausage is fried, and I've got a pan full of drippings which needs some starch. I briefly consider using corn starch but realize I don't have any of that either. I'm desperately looking through the pantry and I see a box of pancake mix. That's... mostly flour... and I only need like a couple of tablespoons, right? Desperate to not let anything stand between me and heart-clogging southern food goodness I throw it in, add the milk, add the salt and grind the pepper and let it cook.

I sit down with my meal, grind some more black pepper on it, and take a bite. The biscuits aren't the greatest I've made, but they're light and fluffy and buttery. The gravy is sweet, pancake flour has sugar in it you idiot. Instead of cutting my losses I refuse to waste all that food and keep eating. For months afterword even thinking about biscuits and gravy made me lose my appetite. I don't think I've made it since, this was a year ago.

Dr. Jamming
Apr 11, 2007

People are talking out there... and I hear it all.


OtherworldlyInvader posted:

So its late at night, I need dinner, and I really don't want to go to the store. I have sausage so I decide to make biscuits and gravy, because its one of my favorite breakfast foods and gently caress getting up in the morning. I do this a few times per year because the stuff is terrible for you, but oh so good, and its generally impossible to get good biscuits and gravy without cooking them yourself.

So start preparing the biscuits, and immediately disaster strikes. I'm almost out of flour. I pour out the dregs from my flour bin, and empty a plastic bag with about a half cup of flour and my flour sifter in it from when I was making bread the other day. The dough ends up a tad sticker than I'd like, but I put them in the oven and they're looking good, crisis averted! Next I get out the skillet, fry up the sausage, and start making the milk gravy. Then I realize my mistake, I don't have any flour left to thicken the gravy. Panic sets in, biscuits are coming out of the oven, the sausage is fried, and I've got a pan full of drippings which needs some starch. I briefly consider using corn starch but realize I don't have any of that either. I'm desperately looking through the pantry and I see a box of pancake mix. That's... mostly flour... and I only need like a couple of tablespoons, right? Desperate to not let anything stand between me and heart-clogging southern food goodness I throw it in, add the milk, add the salt and grind the pepper and let it cook.

I sit down with my meal, grind some more black pepper on it, and take a bite. The biscuits aren't the greatest I've made, but they're light and fluffy and buttery. The gravy is sweet, pancake flour has sugar in it you idiot. Instead of cutting my losses I refuse to waste all that food and keep eating. For months afterword even thinking about biscuits and gravy made me lose my appetite. I don't think I've made it since, this was a year ago.

This... doesn't sound so bad. The Devil's in the details I suppose, but even if I imagine pouring maple syrup over biscuits and gravy... I still want to eat it. Probably doesn't taste as good as I'm imagining. Out of curiosity, would you put Jam or Jelly on a sausage egg McMuffin?

got some chores tonight
Feb 18, 2012

honk honk whats for lunch...


Don't try to use baking soda to neutralize a too-acidic curry, no matter what the internet says. There goes my dinner...

Null of Undefined
Aug 4, 2010

I have used 41 of 300 characters allowed.


dongsbot 9000 posted:

Don't try to use baking soda to neutralize a too-acidic curry, no matter what the internet says. There goes my dinner...

But everything I know about papier mache volcanoes says that mixing acids with bases is a great idea!

Teacher wouldn't lie.

No Wave
Sep 18, 2005

Yogg-Saron fan #1


Just braised a giant chuck roast in a bunch of Yeti Stout. Meat came out great - and it looks fantastic, so braising's here to stay - but it's loving disgusting. What the gently caress was I thinking? I still have these moments of total idiocy where, because I've heard somebody cooked something in "beer" or "stout" that'll apply to the 10% abv double-stout I'm using. Bitter and nasty. Used a bunch of sugar to sweeten it but pretty much the only way I'm going to enjoy this at all is by using a ton of lemon.

I really wanted to get rid of this beer but I would have been better off just drain-pouring it. NEVER AGAIN.

No Wave fucked around with this message at Oct 2, 2013 around 23:17

Neptr
Mar 1, 2011


I really only started cooking when I had my own apartment in college, so I had (and still have) a lot of learning to do. The next task on my food bucket list was a shepherd's pie: multiple steps, but each part is pretty easy on it's own. I followed Gordon Ramsay's recipe which added wine to the mince. This was my first time cooking with wine, and from other cooking shows, the consensus seemed to be, "you don't need anything fancy. If you would drink it, that's good." Well, being a college student, I could tell you from my experience the weekend before that the box of Franzia on the counter was VERY drinkable.

I don't have problems with heartburn, but that shephard's pie gave me some killer heartburn.

BlueGrot
Jun 25, 2010



No Wave posted:

Just braised a giant chuck roast in a bunch of Yeti Stout. Meat came out great - and it looks fantastic, so braising's here to stay - but it's loving disgusting. What the gently caress was I thinking? I still have these moments of total idiocy where, because I've heard somebody cooked something in "beer" or "stout" that'll apply to the 10% abv double-stout I'm using. Bitter and nasty. Used a bunch of sugar to sweeten it but pretty much the only way I'm going to enjoy this at all is by using a ton of lemon.

I really wanted to get rid of this beer but I would have been better off just drain-pouring it. NEVER AGAIN.

Don't cook with high ABV beers, they are often so strongly bitter hopped that any reduction in volume will lead to awfulness. Cook with: toasty and sweet stouts, wheat beers, saisons etc.

BlueGrot
Jun 25, 2010



Neptr posted:

I really only started cooking when I had my own apartment in college, so I had (and still have) a lot of learning to do. The next task on my food bucket list was a shepherd's pie: multiple steps, but each part is pretty easy on it's own. I followed Gordon Ramsay's recipe which added wine to the mince. This was my first time cooking with wine, and from other cooking shows, the consensus seemed to be, "you don't need anything fancy. If you would drink it, that's good." Well, being a college student, I could tell you from my experience the weekend before that the box of Franzia on the counter was VERY drinkable.

I don't have problems with heartburn, but that shephard's pie gave me some killer heartburn.


No Wave
Sep 18, 2005

Yogg-Saron fan #1


BlueGrot posted:

Don't cook with high ABV beers, they are often so strongly bitter hopped that any reduction in volume will lead to awfulness. Cook with: toasty and sweet stouts, wheat beers, saisons etc.
Won't ever again... good news though is that after adding honey and letting sit overnight it's tasty enough that I like eating it!


The technique for braising outlined in Modernist Cuisine is loving amazing - that is, put in meat (seared), put in covered dutch oven under broiler. You get dry heat from the broiler but the moisture from the simmering liquid keeps the meat moister. So you're getting a crust on AND keeping in the moisture.

Tagichatn
Jun 7, 2009



This happened over Thanksgiving but I saw this thread lounging around in my bookmarks and I figured I should post. So I was in charge of making the mashed potatoes this Thanksgiving and had already gotten started on the wine. After boiling and mashing the potatoes, I poured in some milk and sour cream. I poured about a cup before I realized this particular milk was bright orange and was, in fact, orange juice. In my defense the two cartons have very similar markings and were right right next to each other. I scooped out all the juice and some of the potatoes, it ended up tasting ok. Orange juice cartons should have tons of orange coloring on them, dammit!

Steve Yun
Aug 7, 2003

I
ANALYZE
CARTOONS


Soiled Meat

Did I tell you guys about how when I was first learning to cook there was a Cook or Die: Kimchee and I decide to try it? Recipe called for chile powder, I put it chili powder because it's the same right?

Hey why does this kimchee taste like taco

ExplodingChef
May 25, 2005

Deathscorts are the true American heroes.

Steve Yun posted:

Did I tell you guys about how when I was first learning to cook there was a Cook or Die: Kimchee and I decide to try it? Recipe called for chile powder, I put it chili powder because it's the same right?

Hey why does this kimchee taste like taco

I was making the kimchee once in a restaurant I was working at. Accidentally grabbed the togarashi instead of the gochugaru. In my defense, I was hung over. Ended up being a little extra spicy, to say the least.

THE MACHO MAN
Nov 15, 2007

...Carey...

draw me like one of your French Canadian girls


Couple months ago I really hosed up a batch of gumbo. Way overdid the file. Then to really top it off, I was drunk and fell asleep without putting it away. Because I'm an idiot who can't bear the thought of wasting a bunch of seafood, I said gently caress it and threw it in the fridge and had it for lunch. I had the shits for two days after

Steve Yun
Aug 7, 2003

I
ANALYZE
CARTOONS


Soiled Meat

I guess you can't just use dessert mochi to make moffles



quote:

Cooking Cockups and Dinner Disiasters

You know what's a bigger disaster? Your spelling. I had trouble finding this thread because I was looking for "disasters!"

Steve Yun fucked around with this message at Jan 6, 2014 around 21:16

Totally Reasonable
Jan 8, 2008

aaag mirrors


I was working up a recipe for modernist nacho cheese a while back that turned out not-so-good on the 3rd attempt. I had been using the standard recipe with milk for mac & cheese, but decided to use beer for the nacho development process.

I was working off some leftover beer someone brought to a party, which I thought was a 6-pack of Kona Longboard Lager. It turned out to be a variety pack, and the 3rd iteration ended up being Pipeline Porter. I knew I'd hosed up about 2 seconds into the pour, but just rolled with it. The final result can only be described as an alarming tub of brown. It didn't help that I keep my ground habaneros in a similar shaker to the serrano I intended to use, so anyone foolish enough to eat alarmingly brown nachos was distracted by the weird nutty coffee flavor just long enough for severe distress to set in.

AngryPandah
Dec 30, 2012


I work in a Tex Mex joint and we get out brisket pre smoked so that we just have to boil it in the vac bag to reheat for breaking it down. One of our prep cooks asked me if he was supposed to boil the whole case (two whole briskets) , I told him yes and he went along his way. An hour later I look at the stove and he has mistaken a 70 pound box of flank steak for our brisket and has the whole thing on the stove at a rolling boil. Not only did he destroy over a hundred dollars worth of product, but I had to pay him to do it. He now washes dishes.

PUGGERNAUT
Nov 14, 2013

I AM INCREDIBLY BORING AND SHOULD STOP TALKING ABOUT FOOD IN THE POLITICS THREAD


I accidentally put garlic salt on my popcorn once. I thought it was great, my husband didn't. So I guess that wasn't a full fledged disaster.

(seriously, try it)

Scrovax
Dec 30, 2013


When my best friend got married, she got a crock pot. Her mom told her, "You can cook anything in there! It's amazing!" Armed with this sage advice, my friend decided to cook steaks in her crock pot. She found a recipe, went shopping, followed all the directions, and left for work. When she got home, she was very dismayed to see that the crock pot was no longer on, and the food appeared to be uncooked. She called her husband to come see what was wrong. It was plugged in, but it wouldn't turn back on. My beautiful, wonderful friend had done everything right, except put the ceramic bowl in the crock pot

Mister Facetious
Apr 21, 2007

I'm high speed, low drag; Oscar Mike to be OP in the AO, in the deepest, most tactical Black Ops Multiplayer to date.


- Used twice the salt needed for soaking the nappa when making kimchi once. loving disgusting.
- Tried making english toffee three times, and have pulled the pot from the heat early twice, despite the candy thermometer reading 300. Grainy, and too soft.
- made the Alton Brown ginger beer. Used metric instead of imperial cups. Too weak and watery.

bombhand
Jun 27, 2004



Steaks in a crock pot aside, Scrovax, hello/welcome, and you will never have to type a title in a reply, so that's your cue to double-check.

Me, I've mistaken celery salt for cinnamon sugar in a poorly-lit kitchen. And then drank some and said "eew, this is gross, I'd better put in more sugar to cover it up". Three times, before it occurred to me to check what was in the shaker.

Mister Facetious
Apr 21, 2007

I'm high speed, low drag; Oscar Mike to be OP in the AO, in the deepest, most tactical Black Ops Multiplayer to date.


Just now used double the amount of liquid I thought my soup needed, because two cups didn't look like enough.

- I just didn't add enough salt.

Mister Facetious fucked around with this message at Jan 7, 2014 around 03:30

Kugyou no Tenshi
Nov 8, 2005

We can't keep the crowd waiting, can we?

I accidentally grabbed the bottle of rum cream instead of the bottle of rum when making a sauce. Turned out as a nasty slime that coated the meat in inedible goo.

Also, never bet against a sneeze when you're eyeballing corn starch straight from the container, unless you want your "sauce" to be usable as library paste.

I think the world is safer now that I can't stand up long enough to cook...

Tagichatn
Jun 7, 2009



PUGGERNAUT posted:

I accidentally put garlic salt on my popcorn once. I thought it was great, my husband didn't. So I guess that wasn't a full fledged disaster.

(seriously, try it)

Sounds good to me. I put Cajun spice on mine sometimes.

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Tweek
Feb 1, 2005

I have more disposable income than you.


bombhand posted:

Me, I've mistaken celery salt for cinnamon sugar in a poorly-lit kitchen. And then drank some and said "eew, this is gross, I'd better put in more sugar to cover it up". Three times, before it occurred to me to check what was in the shaker.

Five a.m. dark kitchen I made a cappuccino with cayenne pepper mistaking itself for cinnamon. I only checked because it sizzled the foam.

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