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Tweek
Feb 1, 2005

I have more disposable income than you.


Is it bad that I didn't think, "Your apartment could have burned down!" and instead thought, "Your food is going to taste like kerosene!"?

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My Lovely Horse
Aug 21, 2010



Well speaking of grease fires, my girlfriend managed to start one in the oven.

She was baking a cake known as Russischer Zupfkuchen which is basically a cheesecake on chocolate shortcrust and has an extremely high butter content. She'll usually wrap the springform in tinfoil because liquid butter leaks out. I came into the kitchen and there was smoke everywhere.

"Supposed to be like that?"
"I guess the tinfoil is leaking a bit. It's alright though. It happens."
"If you say so. I'll be on the couch."

Five minutes later she entered the living room: "Yeah, you were right. Should probably call the fire department." I went back and there it was, our little fire, merrily burning away in the gas oven. So much fat had dripped down on the bottom plate that there was a little pool. I closed the oven door, because oxygen, and turned off the gas, because holy poo poo open fire and gas line. Which was evidently what the fire department thought as well because they showed up in full force, by then the fire had died and we were just waiting for them to inspect things and give us the OK to continue.

Cake turned out alright.

Drifter
Oct 22, 2000

Belated Bear Witness


Soiled Meat

My Lovely Horse posted:

Five minutes later she entered the living room: "Yeah, you were right. Should probably call the fire department." I went back and there it was, our little fire, merrily burning away in the gas oven. So much fat had dripped down on the bottom plate that there was a little pool. I closed the oven door, because oxygen, and turned off the gas, because holy poo poo open fire and gas line. Which was evidently what the fire department thought as well because they showed up in full force, by then the fire had died and we were just waiting for them to inspect things and give us the OK to continue.

Cake turned out alright.

Don't ovens normally heat things with an open flame, it just happens to be beneath a heat dispenser or something? I'm just not sure why a fire in an oven is that big a deal. Turn off the oven and let it burn out on its own, no?

My Lovely Horse
Aug 21, 2010



Well yeah. I was calm enough to realize that and act accordingly but at the same time, alarmed enough to not take any risks with the gas mains.

Boris Galerkin
Dec 17, 2011



Drifter posted:

Don't ovens normally heat things with an open flame, it just happens to be beneath a heat dispenser or something? I'm just not sure why a fire in an oven is that big a deal. Turn off the oven and let it burn out on its own, no?

I think my oven here has a heating coil/element so it's not gas, I think.

Runcible Spoon
Sep 20, 2012


So, uh, to show how my usual cooking attempts turn out when disabled.

This was a perfect sunny-side-up egg until a seizure hit me while cooking. Not a big one, just an arm spasm at the wrong time.



I managed to salvage it by throwing it in some rice and making a bastardized Japanese meal out of it, at least. The alternative was overcooked lasagna noodles in tomato sauce watered down by two-thirds, because my grandparents are mutants.

Force de Fappe
Nov 7, 2008



Okay, I'm a horrible person, as if that ever was a valid excuse, and I am so, so, so sorry, but I sort of laughed at that (well, I snickered) but I promise it was with good heart, and I applaud and admire your stoic determination to get something not merely edible, but actually eatable, out of it despite everything.

Splizwarf
Jun 15, 2007
It's like there's a soup can in front of me!

Drifter posted:

Don't ovens normally heat things with an open flame, it just happens to be beneath a heat dispenser or something? I'm just not sure why a fire in an oven is that big a deal. Turn off the oven and let it burn out on its own, no?

I think he is saying the open heating flame had been extinguished by fluid, thus leaving the oven filling with gas while the cakefire continued above.

funroll loops
Feb 6, 2007
CAPSISSTUCK

nwin posted:

We'd throw ice cubes into the deep fryers all the time at jack in the box (first job 15 years ago). At least I learned a few things from that place: 1) Don't eat at jack in the box 2) Don't throw ice into hot oil.

I also had this experience at Jack in the Box.

SymmetryrtemmyS
Jul 13, 2013



I made a giant pot of chili, but I hosed it up and it's way too bitter. After fixing it, it's merely unpleasant rather than inedible, so I'm freezing it to dilute when I can make more chili.

you ate my cat
Jul 1, 2007



Minor kitchen fires were a staple of my youth, so I'm not going to mention any besides the time I discovered that if you touch a paper towel to an electric oven heating element, it instantly ignites. Paper towels also burn extremely quickly. I'll let you do the math.

One summer a few years ago my sister worked at a restaurant in a water park nearby. They were the kitchen that did all the catering for various park events, old people renting it out at night, whatever. One night they had to make something like 75 beef roasts, and toward the end of serving discovered that they were one roast short. One of the park managers came in freaking out, screamed at everyone, grabbed a raw, frozen roast out of the freezer, and plunged it into the deep fryer to cook it. It went about as well as you'd expect it to.

Flaccid Trip
Apr 29, 2008



My parents were going to make grilled cheese, and they (for some reason) enjoy Velveeta.

But we're not quite sure what the hell happened inside the plastic Velveeta keeper.

Missing Name
Jan 5, 2013

Here you go. Juicy Fruit. Happy?


Unbelievable. I have never seen Velveeta go bad before. I didn't think it was possible.

Steve Yun
Aug 7, 2003

I
ANALYZE
CARTOONS


Soiled Meat

I remember reading a food-based parody of Dune when I was in elementary, and in it they referred to Velveeta as "The Cheese That Does Not Die." I was thoroughly shocked years later when I opened up a block to find green furry spots on it.

Boris Galerkin
Dec 17, 2011



SymmetryrtemmyS posted:

I made a giant pot of chili, but I hosed it up and it's way too bitter. After fixing it, it's merely unpleasant rather than inedible, so I'm freezing it to dilute when I can make more chili.

Try reheating it tomorrow. For some reason my chili always tastes different the next day, usually way better.

Flaccid Trip
Apr 29, 2008



Missing Name posted:

Unbelievable. I have never seen Velveeta go bad before. I didn't think it was possible.

Neither did I.

I wanted to cut it open, but my dad refused, lest we unleashed whatever was inside the deathloaf.

Iron Crowned
May 6, 2003



Yams Fan

Drum posted:

Neither did I.

I wanted to cut it open, but my dad refused, lest we unleashed whatever was inside the deathloaf.

I mean they don't even store the stuff in refrigerated areas, I figured it was the Twinkie of "cheese."

Missing Name
Jan 5, 2013

Here you go. Juicy Fruit. Happy?


Drum posted:

Neither did I.

I wanted to cut it open, but my dad refused, lest we unleashed whatever was inside the deathloaf.

gently caress, you could have claimed it in the name of science! Similarly, I am not allowed to buy the off-packaged meat we find shipped to the store every once in a while. My microbiology prof would have a ball.

Munchlover
Dec 29, 2012


So I was making skillet pizza, with the dough from scratch, topped with a bunch of cheese and bacon that I was going to crisp up under the grill. After a while on the flame, thinking the dough was set I lifted it up to flip it and ended up with a gooey calzone filled with raw meat. I ended up sticking the whole thing in the oven until the dough set then eating around the salmonella-y bits.

ninjahedgehog
Feb 17, 2011

It's time to kick the tires and light the fires, Big Bird.


Are we still talking about grease fires? Because I had my first one a couple of weeks ago.

So my parents are over for dinner, and I decided to make steak frites. First thing that happens is I slice my finger open while chopping potatoes, but no big deal, it happens. Doesn't have much relevance to the fire, but whatever. I've got a pot of oil going, and in my impatience I dump a fistful of fries into the oil without drying them off first. Big mistake. The oil immediately boils over. Did I mention I have a gas stove? Thank Christ my dad was quicker than I was and turned off the burner before the grease ignited. So we wipe down the outside of the pot and the stovetop and start cooking again, munching fries as we go. Problem solved, right?

Then it's time to cook the steaks, and I fire up the oven to finish them. After a few minutes, there's a hell of a lot of smoke coming out of the oven, but my probe thermometer says the steaks aren't done yet, so I don't open it until they are. Turns out the grease on the stovetop just drips directly into the oven. And guess what happens when a puddle of grease in a 400 degree oven gets a lot of oxygen all of a sudden? BOOM. Steaks are unharmed (they weren't directly underneath the dripping grease) but we've got a fire happily blazing away inside our oven.

Aaaaand that's when we realize that I don't have a loving fire extinguisher.

Good news was we had a dish towel I was willing to sacrifice, and a few cups of baking soda in the refrigerator, but my apartment was completely full of smoke and we had to go to the neighbors and tell them not to call the fire department. Dinner was pretty good, though.

All things considered, it was pretty loving lucky that it happened in the oven, where we could have let it burn itself out harmlessly. But seriously, if you don't have a fire extinguisher in your kitchen, buy one TODAY.

ninjahedgehog fucked around with this message at Jan 24, 2014 around 22:53

Kenning
Jan 10, 2009

I really want to post goatse. I wish I had 10bux


I have a fire extinguisher in the kitchen. I use to store it on a shelf above the stove. Then my mom came to visit and pointed out that that was like the worst possible place for it. Now it lives atop the fridge.

kinmik
Jul 17, 2011

Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.


ninjahedgehog posted:

Are we still talking about grease fires? Because I had my first one a couple of weeks ago.

I've got a pot of oil going, and in my impatience I dump a fistful of fires into the oil without drying them off first. Big mistake.

So we wipe down the outside of the pot and the stovetop and start cooking again, munching fires as we go.
I don't know why you were so freaked out by a grease fire if your entire family is composed of a bunch fire eaters anyway.






Party Plane Jones
Jul 1, 2007

Flying the friendly skies in relative safet-oh god the engine fell off

Fun Shoe

My family managed to set the outdoor grill on fire (really, really poor cleaning coupled with a terrible grease trap) only to find out that the fire extinguisher they had was a good decade dead. It's more common than you think.

ninjahedgehog
Feb 17, 2011

It's time to kick the tires and light the fires, Big Bird.


kinmik posted:

I don't know why you were so freaked out by a grease fire if your entire family is composed of a bunch fire eaters anyway.










Goddamn work keyboard.

SSJ_naruto_2003
Oct 12, 2012



This thread made my work shift bearable, thanks.

I don't know how much of a disaster this was, since there were no fiery bits and it was only a ruined cake, but my wife followed one of my grandmothers recipes for Red Velvet cake recently, and it's an old recipe with terms like "1 cup crisco", and other stuff that i'm not sure we're supposed to be using.

Anyways, the cake didn't rise at all. It was a gooey mass of red velvet, the edges tasted okay but we ended up throwing the cake/block out and just eating the icing. I'll post the recipe when I get home for you guys to try to decipher.

Ranter
Jul 11, 2004



Was making a meatloaf. Half way through browning the beef... poo poo.

Julio Cesar Fatass
Jul 24, 2007

"...."


Used some poncey gourmet chocolate chip cookie recipe and on a whim decided to add some of the candied bacon left over from brunch

The added fat turned the dough into batter and the whole mix ended up frying in its own grease in the oven.

Alopex
May 31, 2012

This is the sleeve I have chosen.


I was around ten, making orange Jell-O and boxed macaroni and cheese with my dad. Pretty simple recipe. I mixed a packet of orange powder into the gelatin. He mixed a packet of orange powder into the gelatin. We stuck it in the fridge to set, and turned around to make the cheese sauce, only to realize that the packet of cheese powder was nowhere in sight.

It's one of those things that we still needle each other about to this day, since neither of us is sure who was responsible.

e: It was horrible, by the way. Don't do it.

bombhand
Jun 27, 2004



d3rt posted:

Was making a meatloaf. Half way through browning the beef... poo poo.
Did I say we were having meatloaf for dinner? I meant cottage pie.

Guildenstern Mother
Mar 31, 2010

Why walk when you can ride?

Steve Yun posted:

a food-based parody of Dune

Wait what? I need more information on this.

Steve Yun
Aug 7, 2003

I
ANALYZE
CARTOONS


Soiled Meat

WanderingMinstrel I posted:

Wait what? I need more information on this.

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Lampoon's_Doon

I thought it was pretty funny in middle school so I am pretty sure that means it's not actually funny

Guildenstern Mother
Mar 31, 2010

Why walk when you can ride?

drat, I was picturing great houses going to war Iron Chef style and secret guilds with mutated master level cooks who had peered into the future of flavor or something. That's just terrible, except for the pretzel sandworm in a sea of what I assume is beer.

Sugar Bean
Jun 6, 2011

Hangover of no regrets.


One day, about 2 or 3 years ago, I decided I was going to make teriyaki chicken from scratch. I didn't follow a recipe, because recipes are for those stupid people, of course. At the time, I had gotten it into my head that teriyaki sauce was simply a mixture of soy sauce and pineapple juice (I thought that the pineapple juice would caramelize as I was cooking everything together and sweeten the sauce.) I sliced up some chicken breast, rolled it in some panko(no egg, no batter, just raw chicken rolled in crumbs) I had found in the cabinet (because that's like tempura, right?!) I threw the panko crumbed chicken into a pan with some vegetable oil, then poured my pineapple mixture (I used the canned variety, in light syrup, and pureed it)soy sauce in abundance, salt, pepper, red pepper flakes, and I think I threw some garlic in there at the same time, turning on the burner when I got everything in.

The panko breading fell away as soon as I placed it in that cool oil, it created a sort of stew with the "Teriyaki sauce" I had created as it heated up. I kept tasting in throughout, thinking that the sweetness would mellow out...even though I was essentially boiling chicken in a salty fruit sauce. It was awful. The rice I had made for a side was perfect, though. And I did get my fiance's little brother and his friend (they were about 12/13 at the time) to eat most of it. I still feel pretty bad about that.

Another story, I had an old gas stove while growing up, and when we would forget old fries or anything in the broiler then turn on the oven, we'd have a little fire. This happened at least three times growing up. I don't miss that gas stove.

Quincyh
Dec 24, 2011

He's stolen the fire chief's hat!

A couple of days ago, I decided to steam some sweet potatoes, which I've never done before. The internet said to do it for about 45 minutes. I chucked them into this plastic colander that came with the kitchen and that I've used without incident for the past two years, set up the steaming dealie and wandered off for three-quarters of an hour. It turns out that the amount of water I use when I steam vegetables for 10 minutes is not enough for 4 times that. The colander melted and completely coated the inside of the pot and the potatoes. Had to throw out the lot. One more week and I would have moved out without incident. At least I learned an important lesson about steamer baskets.

Astrofig
Oct 26, 2009


Croatoan posted:

So I was making chocolate chip cookies and two things went wrong but it worked out amazingly well. First, I nuked the butter and it was too hot so when I poured it on the chocolate chips they melted so now they're just chocolate cookies. No biggie. However I went brain dead and instead of adding 2 and 1/4 cups of flour I added 2 quarter cups of flour (a half cup) and thought the batter seemed a little funny. Well I baked them and they turned into a super thin sheet of what I'd describe as a cookie "crisp". I had to slice it up with a pizza cutter and the family devoured them.

That (or something close to it) happened to my group in home ec once. We were supposed to make chocolate chip cookies. We swore we measured everything correctly, but somehow our cookies, even post-baking, remained a soggy glop that we portioned out with a spatula.

Then this one time mom and I were making Christmas cookies after a couple of Fuzzy Navels each. It was great fun and I could swear we'd done everything right, but the cookies became flat little depressing blankets of failure.

On another occasion I was making pasta for dinner, and it had to be done quickly. I figured, hey, salt lowers the boiling point of water, right? (It doesn't.) So the more I add, the faster it will be done. That pasta came out tasting like seawater.

Missing Name posted:

Unbelievable. I have never seen Velveeta go bad before. I didn't think it was possible.

Yeah! Mom bought a brick of it once without looking at the date. We got it home, and unwrapped it to find it covered with fuzzy gray mold. Turns out it was two years old. Cue angry return trip to the store and fat envelopes of free coupons from the manufacturer.

Steve Yun
Aug 7, 2003

I
ANALYZE
CARTOONS


Soiled Meat

What kind of grocery can have so little rotation that a block of velveeta can sit there for two+ years

Robindaybird
Aug 21, 2007

Neat. Sweet. Petite.


Steve Yun posted:

What kind of grocery can have so little rotation that a block of velveeta can sit there for two+ years

I wonder if that's an error on warehouse's end, crap that's suppose to be thrown out got sent to the store instead.

Edit:

My story:

I decided at one point that I was gonna try "poaching" an egg on some hot rice. So I cook up some rice, and I think I probably put too much water in it, for when the rice cooker went off, it did look somewhat soggy, but basically - the instant it's done I dumped it in the bowl, crack the egg in it, broke the yolk and mixed it up good.

It didn't cook. Turned out the rice wasn't hot enough or it was too wet, ended up stirring, and stirring - only took three bites before my gag reflex went 'yeah - one more bite and I'm gonna puke all over'.

dumped the bowl out, put in the dishwasher, and ended up having the rest of the rice with honey bbq sauce and cheese (Which actually was good, if a bit unorthodox).

Robindaybird fucked around with this message at Jan 28, 2014 around 19:29

dino.
Mar 28, 2010


Steve Yun posted:

What kind of grocery can have so little rotation that a block of velveeta can sit there for two+ years
A store where the shoppers have TASTE.

Kugyou no Tenshi
Nov 8, 2005

We can't keep the crowd waiting, can we?

Steve Yun posted:

What kind of grocery can have so little rotation that a block of velveeta can sit there for two+ years

Really poorly staffed ones? When I lived in a poorer part of the state, our brand-new understaffed Wal-Mart Supercenter apparently never bothered to train their stockers, because I would watch them putting new product on top of / in front of old. I think they brought stock over from the old location, too (right across the street!), because on a whim I pulled...something, I don't remember, it's been eight years...from the back of the shelf and it had a sell-by date before the new location opened.

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Missing Name
Jan 5, 2013

Here you go. Juicy Fruit. Happy?


I dunno. Sometimes I've stocked shelves with reverse psychology: put the new stuff in front, old stuff in back. They reach all the way to the wall because "it must be fresher, it's all the way back here " Admittedly, this is the freezer section, where it doesn't actually matter as much...

But whoever stocks the dairy section is a loving idiot. In our case, it wasn't velveeta, it was bologna.

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