Cooking Cockups: Now I'm angry on behalf of that gravy

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Goons with Spoons > Cooking Cockups: Now I'm angry on behalf of that gravy

Pookah: Aug 21, 2008; 🪶Caw🪶

WanderingMinstrel I posted:

Its like a roast and a tie dye shirt had a baby and the baby died and was left in the woods for a month. Good god, what is that thing?

I think it's a pre-cooked chicken that someone put into a hot oven in the plastic packaging, which then shrank and sealed itself to the bird.

Dammit, I've just spent the last 5 minutes rotating the image trying to work out what the lettering in the top half says.

VVV Thank you! - I read it as *kvllin* and google translate directed me towards finnish/estonian which was very misleading VVV

Pookah fucked around with this message at 21:47 on Sep 10, 2013

# ¿ Sep 10, 2013 20:21

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# ¿ Apr 25, 2024 10:18

Pookah: Aug 21, 2008; 🪶Caw🪶

It's also great in jambalaya if you have difficulty in getting proper andouille. Also I too accidentally made a chicken paprikash with hot once and it turned out pretty good. It was very good paprika though, I got it in Budapest.

# ¿ Sep 7, 2014 09:47

Pookah: Aug 21, 2008; 🪶Caw🪶

Could this be the oldest known cooking cock-up?

quote:

A moment of carelessness, 3,000 years ago has given Danish archaeologists an unexpected gift.

A clay pot unearthed during an archaeological excavation in central Jutland, Denmark, contains the possible remains of a failed attempt of cheese making.

Something went wrong during the process and the cheese maker most likely threw the pot away into the street, only to show up again thousands of years later.

....

The discovery of the pot with its burnt remains casts light into the everyday life of Bronze Age people, 3,000 years ago.

�I cannot help but wonder if someone had a guilty conscience. It�s well and truly burnt and must have smelt terrible,� says Rasmussen, who ponders what family dramas came from the burnt pot.

�Were there any hard feelings over the missing cheese? Perhaps there was a little family drama? You can almost imagine how quickly he must have acted to get rid of that pot!�

http://sciencenordic.com/burnt-cheese-casts-light-3000-year-old-family-drama

# ¿ Sep 24, 2016 13:36

Pookah: Aug 21, 2008; 🪶Caw🪶

Did the pan survive? Also I can just about imagine how bad burning garlic and broccoli smelled.

(very bad)

# ¿ Aug 10, 2017 14:27

Pookah: Aug 21, 2008; 🪶Caw🪶

RandomPauI posted:

Long story short this Easter has been a disaster.

The number of people to cook for was up to 12 so I decided to make a shepherds pie. It went down to 4 so I bought a small rib roast. It went up again but I was already prepping the roast so I decided to make the roast and the pie. In the end, the number of people to cook for was 4 with two family no-shows and two friends-of-family I hadn't known were showing up.

What else? The mini table I use for meal prep and storage broke spilling cleaning product everywhere. The oven stoped heating evenly. And the meat for the pie needed one more hour to cook than I thought I had.

I will have to finish the rib roast on the crockpot. And I'll shred and freeze the meat for the shepherds pie.

If I were you I'd slice the ribroast into thick steaks and pan-fry it - crockpotting it would be a crime against good meat :colbert:

# ¿ Apr 2, 2018 13:17

Pookah: Aug 21, 2008; 🪶Caw🪶

My Lovely Horse posted:

Legit on the edge of my seat throughout that whole post.

Ga-gnashing my teeth with fear the whole drat time

:dadjoke:

# ¿ Jun 18, 2018 18:37

Pookah: Aug 21, 2008; 🪶Caw🪶

Nicol Bolas posted:

I made one perfect recipe of popovers. Just me and my husband to appreciate them but they were amazing.

I then spent the next several weeks trying to bring popovers to brunch. The first time I put in some pulverized dried mushrooms to give it a boost in flavor. No dice, they didn't pop. Then I tried less mushroom dust. Still nothing. The third time I tried what I thought was the same recipe straight up. Still unpopped, like little eggy muffin puffs.

So now I am pretty sure that I know what the original recipe was and I am making them again this weekend and if they don't pop I am going to scream so loud it's going to invert my popover tin.

Similar thing happened to me - I was handed a bowl of warm, horribly overcooked brown rice and asked to turn it into Chinese egg-fried rice. I told them it'd probably turn into a disgusting mush but I'd give it a go. It came out absolutely perfect takeaway-style fried rice and I've never been able to repeat it. I must have tried about 10 times in te week that followed and it was never right.

# ¿ Apr 12, 2019 07:25

Pookah: Aug 21, 2008; 🪶Caw🪶

The Glumslinger posted:

I used to gently caress up my rice constantly until I started to actually rinse my rice. Comes out perfect every time now

Oh yeah, I always rinse or soak my rice depending on what I'm going to do with it. The rice I was handed that time ought to have been a complete disaster as fried rice - it was still warm, very wet, very sticky, and very lacking in structure, but for some reason I cannot discover, it turned into perfect fried rice.

# ¿ Apr 13, 2019 10:19

Pookah: Aug 21, 2008; 🪶Caw🪶

Sounds like you were making the kind of potato cakes we had when I was growing up:

http://nessasfamilykitchen.blogspot.com/2012/03/potato-cakes.html

She puts egg in hers, which we never did, but I don't have an actual recipe for ours since it was all done by eyeballing the amounts. The key to getting a texture that doesn't fall apart is using enough flour, but if you use too much they get really leathery and unpleasant.

# ¿ Nov 18, 2019 15:42

Pookah: Aug 21, 2008; 🪶Caw🪶

Shooting Blanks posted:

Now show her a mandoline.

My fairly recently converted to veganism mother keeps mentioning getting a mandoline to chop up carrots to make carrot cake.

I have told her several times that

a. a grater is the tool to use for that, we have several graters of varying fineness and

b. she will absolutely, definitely do herself a serious injury if she uses a mandoline. I've used one a few times and cut myself more than once even while being very careful and aware of the dangers. Not to be unkind but she could probably cut herself with a teaspoon.

I think the message has sunk in (mandolines are evil and thirst for our blood and fingertips) , but I'm still a little worried I'm going to hear she's been whisked off to hospital with three severed fingers, two missing toes and entirely covered with carrot cake batter

# ¿ Feb 4, 2020 10:08

Pookah: Aug 21, 2008; 🪶Caw🪶

gaddam edit not quote

# ¿ Feb 4, 2020 10:09

Pookah: Aug 21, 2008; 🪶Caw🪶

Bees on Wheat posted:

Can you get her a food processor with a grater attachment? Or would she figure out how to stick a fingat in it?

At one of my old jobs we used a mandoline to shred carrots and it was the most terrifying thing every time because it was impossible to use the blade guard with something like that. We did have cut-resistant gloves though, or I would have never touched that thing. The carrots also liked to get stuck in between the blades and suddenly snap off in weird ways, so if you really do have to mandoline something, pick an easier vegetable. Cucumbers were okay.

Oh she has a food processor but it's hardly ever used because assembling the drat thing is like doing some kind of really boring 3-d jigsaw; I'll probably just end up making the cake for her, which was quite possibly the plan all along.
I hate and fear mandolines and hope never to use one ever again if I can avoid doing so. Argh, even writing about the drat things is making my fingers twitch.

# ¿ Feb 5, 2020 09:51

Pookah: Aug 21, 2008; 🪶Caw🪶

In the last month I have given myself more cooking injuries than in the previous 20+ years of cooking. I cut the tip of my finger off while slicing bread (bread!?!) and had to wear a homemade finger stall for a week while it healed. Made the constant handwashing/sanitising super easy and fun I tell ya.
Then about a week after it healed, I burned myself and got a 1 inch blister on my thumb. Which burst while I was in the supermarket, the first such visit in 2 weeks due to the whole pandemic situation. Return of the homemade finger stall for another week

# ¿ Jun 11, 2020 09:57

Pookah: Aug 21, 2008; 🪶Caw🪶

I finally decided to try making my own pilau rice again after giving up years ago because I could never get the rice/water ratio right. Anyway, found a decent recipe, halved it because I didn't want 6 portions, got my spices all sizzling nicely in the pot, threw in my rice, stirred gently as directed, then added the boiling water.

'Hmm' I thought, 'that looks awfully wet...'

Guess who forgot to halve the water? In desperation I poured off a good bit, then readded spices/salt/ghee to try and rescue it from total failure and by some miracle it actually came out pretty ok, the rice was neither total mush or still half-raw. So not a complete disaster but still very dopey.

# ¿ Aug 18, 2020 10:14

Pookah: Aug 21, 2008; 🪶Caw🪶

Frazzbo posted:

Any chance of seeing your recipe?

Sure, it was this one

https://www.easypeasyfoodie.com/easy-peasy-pilau-rice/

Except to make the halved quantity I added about half a tsp of toasted whole cumin that I bashed up with the cardamoms because pilau without cumin sounded weird to me.

# ¿ Aug 18, 2020 18:05

Pookah: Aug 21, 2008; 🪶Caw🪶

This is extremely weird, given my very recent struggles with making an edible pilau rice, but today I decided to try a different absorption method rice -coconut/chili/kaffir lime jasmine rice a la tineats.

I halve the recipe, I check the calculations because lol imagine if I make a dumb mistake like last time. I recheck the calculations. I start assembling the ingredients into the pot as per the recipe. I'm about to pour the water in, but it doesn't look right, it looks like way too much. I recheck the numbers again - gently caress I have them wrong somehow??? Phew, at least I get to fix it before I start.

I pour the water in and start cookin.

Hang on I think, this is not right, there is nowhere near enough water in this pot for this much rice. I swear I can count, I am normally good at scaling up and down but for some bizarre reason, cooking rice by the absorption method totally breaks my brain. I add a guesstimation of the right amount of water and hope for the best. I cook for the appropriate time and have a peek. Looks ok! I push the pot to the back of the hob to sit for 10-15 mins to get fluffy.

I come back and take off the lid - wow, ok, it's really really steamy and it's ...sizzling?

Oh poo poo.

I started cooking on that same back ring and didn't turn it off when I moved the pot to simmer on a smaller ring. It's been cooking away for ten minutes when it should have been resting.

AAAAA.

I take it off the heat and stick the bottom of the pot in cold water to at least try to make clean up easier. I leave it for 10 minutes to destick so I can throw it away with less trouble.

I come back to investigate the terrible rice mush, I stir it gently with a fork. How is it fluffy? How is it even still rice-shaped? I carefully remove the rice from the pot with the fork, and it's tender and sticky but still has distinct grains, it's not even very burnt - only slightly toasted at the bottom.

It tastes fine and will go nicely with my sat�.

tl/dr I consistently gently caress up simple rice recipes and still end up with perfectly edible, even tasty rice. It appears to be my shameful super power.

# ¿ Sep 1, 2020 18:58

Pookah: Aug 21, 2008; 🪶Caw🪶

toplitzin posted:

I hosed up and swapped baking soda for baking powder on the wings air drying in the fridge.

We had frozen chicken nuggets from costco for dinner last night.

Urgh, you accidentally velveted chicken skin, that cannot have been anything but revolting :barf:

# ¿ Aug 21, 2021 20:17

Pookah: Aug 21, 2008; 🪶Caw🪶

Oh now I'm angry on behalf of that gravy :argh:

Beautiful rich turkey gravy turned to gloop because of a lazy person being stupid and lazy.
I had a sort of similar thing happen a few christmases ago.
I was making the usual things and also had a slow cooker to make a big batch of turkey stock, because we always run out of good gravy before we run out of everything else, and gravy is v. important. After the meal, and clearing up, I come back to check, and find my lovely stock, stone-cold in an unplugged slow-cooker.

"I thought you had forgotten about it, so I turned it off!"

# ¿ Dec 2, 2021 10:43

Pookah: Aug 21, 2008; 🪶Caw🪶

My very first thread title, and it's about gravy. I am So Proud.

# ¿ Dec 2, 2021 15:02

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# ¿ Apr 25, 2024 10:18

Pookah: Aug 21, 2008; 🪶Caw🪶

My mother burned off her front hair and eyebrows trying to light an old -school prince gas oven. Those fuckers were mean. Thing went POOF in her face.

# ¿ Dec 8, 2021 19:57

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Goons with Spoons > Cooking Cockups: Now I'm angry on behalf of that gravy