- Abrasive Obelisk
- May 2, 2013
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I joined th
ROVPACK IN THE HOOUUUUSE!
he still knows...
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heymanhustle@aol.com posted:
Dark: Jushin "Thunder" Liger vs. Marc Mero vs. Scotty Bollea, Mero pins Bollea with the Shooting Star Press
Dark: Tatanka and Tom Prichard vs. Bob Backlund and Box Office Bossman, Backlund submits Tom Prichard with the Crossface Chickenwing
Dark: Bob Backlund and HBK promo
Dark: The Fucktrain won a 30-man Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal celebrating the 10th anniversary of Wrestlemania 3 by finally eliminating Kane. Stevie Ray, Dave Taylor, and Rocky Maivia were also finalists, and Kane got the most eliminations.
Dark: Ted DiBiase celebrates with Fucktrain until Warrior comes out and runs them out.
WrestleMania 13: The Unlucky Number began with a video package, with Vince McMahon providing voice-over over a montage of Wrestlemania moments (Warrior beating Hogan, Savage winning the title, Steamboat pinning Savage, Michaels/Razor, THE BOYHOOD DREAM HAS COME TRUE, Hulk Hogan headbutting the Soviet flag)
"THEY CALL IT THE GRANDEST STAGE! THE GRANDDADDY OF THEM ALL! THE SHOWCASE OF THE IMMORTALS! WRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRESTLLLLLLEEEMAAAAAAAAANIAAAAA!
Tonight we see amazing brutality, as Cactus Jack and Terry Funk go one on one in a no rules Falls Count Anywhere match! We see amazing action in the Intercontinental Championship ladder match between Chris Jericho, Hunter Hearst Helmsley, and unofficial champion Jerry Lynn! Goldust will face the Undertaker 1 on 1 in a cage like you have never seen before! And in the main event, WWF Champion Owen Hart defends against his own brother Bret, the Mastodon Vader, and the 1997 Royal Rumble winner STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!"
We then saw a video package for Cactus Jack vs. Terry Funk, going over Cactus' history of violence, including a few clips from the King Of The Deathmatch finals in Japan. It also went over Funk's attempts to bring the monster out of Mick, and their confrontations prior to this match.
Terry Funk makes his entrance by storming in with a running chainsaw, running it against the guard rails so a hail of sparks goes off, and generally freaking out the crowd.
Cactus Jack vs Terry Funk, Falls Count Anywhere
As soon as the bell rang, Cactus and Funk went at it, just brutalizing each other with strikes. Eventually, Cactus goes for a headbutt, which staggers Funk, allowing Cactus to hit a Cactus Clothesline over the ropes, leaving both men outside. The two brawl for a bit outside, and eventually go backstage into the concession stands, smashing each other with food objects like popcorn machines and hot dog tongs.
Funk and Foley, both bleeding and dog-tired, tried several unsuccessful covers during this time, and eventually made their way to the crowd in the upper decks. Terry goes for a chain shot to knock out Foley, but missed! Leaning against the railing, Funk plans his next shot when Mick Foley out of nowhere clatters him with a chair, and knocks him over the railing with a clothesline! After the fall to the ring floor, and to the tune of "HE'S HARDCORE" chants, Foley stands on the railing, takes one look at what's he's about to do, and hits the Flying Cactus Elbow straight onto Terry Funk! That got a huge pop from the fans, indeed! One academic Double-Arm DDT later, and Mick Foley wins!
While the ring was being cleaned, the TitanTron showed Triple H's mansion, which contained Steve Austin hunched over with gallons upon gallons of milk. "I'm sick of those goddamn Harts! First that balloon-looking lush Neidhart banned my **** because he's too goddamned stupid to drive in a straight line, and now those pieces of trash are the only thing standing between me and the WWF title! And when I Stunner the hell out of that little nugget of poo poo, I can't even celebrate with a Steve******! If that ain't some bullshit, I don't know what is! So I'm gonna take all this anger out on Owen, his goddamn brother Bret, and that fat piece of trash Vader just for good measure! And that's the bottom line, 'CAUSE STONE COLD SAID SO!" Austin then bashes 2 cartons of milk together and guzzles them as the camera cut back to the arena for the Intercontinential Title ladder match.
The camera pans to Howard Finkel announcing the next match. "And now, ladies and gentlemen, is the ladder match for the Intercontinental Championship! Introducing first, one-half of the Tag Team Champions, and a real Canadian rock-and-roller, Chris Jericho!" Jericho enters first without the help of Piper. The commentators mention that Jericho requested that his tag partner not accompany him to the ring today, in part because of McMahon's orders that only managers appear at ringside, and Jericho's drive to prove himself. "Introducing second, he is a former Tag Team champion, one-third of the Three Man Power Trip, and the Connecticut Blueblood, Hunter Hearst Helmsley!" Hunter enters via carriage for this match to a huge hometown pop, scowling at the loss of Brian Pillman's championship reign. "And finally, the current reigning Intercontinental Champion, and the Staff Captain of Captain Lou Albano's Captain's Crew, Jerry Lynn!" Lynn appears with his fake Intercontinental Championship, using it as a plate for his and Albano's hamburgers.
The match starts with all three men looking at each other, wondering what to do in a triple threat ladder match. Jericho and HHH start throwing fists at each other as Jerry Lynn sneakily runs out of the ring to create a ladder. When Lynn throws it into the ring, Jericho and HHH notice and they baseball slide the ladder into both Albano and Lynn. Focusing his attention back to Jericho, Hunter attempts to get back into the fight, but instead runs to the announcers table and takes two mics, throwing one to a quizzical Chris Jericho.
"Well, that's nice of you, Hunter. Change of heart?" Jericho puts his hand up. "It doesn't matter, BECAUSE YOU WILL NEVER, EVER, TAKE MY INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE AWAY EVER AG-"
"Just shut up, Chris! Use that maple syrup addled head for a moment!"
"Use it for what, YOU WORTHLESS, HAIR-DYED-" Chris Jericho never finished the sentence, as Jerry Lynn snuck up from behind and hit him with the fake Intercontinential Championship.
All three heels take turns beating on Chris Jericho in the corner, until HHH turns on Jerry Lynn and starts beating on him instead. Captain Lou Albano seperates the two, providing a distraction for Jerry Lynn to knock HHH with the title!
Jerry Lynn is climbing the ladder... getting higher and higher... fingertips away... when glass shatters! Not Stone Cold, but the sound of Chris Jericho throwing Perrier bottles at Jerry Lynn's feet! The surprise causes Lynn to fall from the ladder onto Albano's arms, leading Jericho into a clear path towards the title.
On the other side, a recovering Hunter is also climbing the ladder, at the same time as Jericho. They both get close, both fingertips away... until Triple H gets the Pedigree in position at the top rung! He goes for the jump, but Jericho keeps his feet in position on the ladder! He back body drops Hunter off of the ladder, onto both Albano and Lynn. No one is left standing, so Chris Jericho climbs the last few steps... and unhooks the title! Chris Jericho is the new Intercontinental Champion, as JR screams from the headsets about this being a "CARRER-DEFINING MOMENT" for the young Canadian.
After the match, Piper celebrates with Jericho, who walks to the back holding the IC belt high. Jericho gets in the cameraman's face and says to the viewers at home that the IC title now belongs to one bad mamma-jamma.
The next match of the night is Brian Pillman against Mark Henry for the Pan-American Title! Henry came out slowly, without Stan Hansen by his side, dressed in an all-black singlet. Pillman also came out alone, splashing four bottles of Perrier all over his face and jittered down to the ring with a bug-eyed pair of eyes.
When the bell rings, Brian Pillman sprints out of the ring and goes to ringside searching for something to hold that can be used as a weapon while being chased by Mark Henry. Pillman causes a diversion by tossing his bottles of Perrier on the ground before gut-checking Henry with his Pan-American title. He smashes the title over Henry's face several times while the refferee is driving away the shards of glass, until Mark Henry fights back and throws Brian Pillman into the ringside pole. Henry then stands on the outside of the apron, lays Pillman down on the ground, grabs his ankles... and slingshots him over the ropes and into the ring!
From there, Mark Henry dominates, ragdolling the high-flyer around with shoulder checks and clubbing blows until Pillman can no longer stand. The ending comes when, with the last of his energy, Brian Pillman hits a springboard flying forearm, knocking the giant down! He then goes for a top-rope corkscrew crossbody, but Mark Henry catches him and gives the World's Strongest Slam! 1, 2, 3! As the silver number 22 pops up on the titantron as Mark Henry is recognized as the new Pan-American champion!
As Pillman is hauled to the back by Austin, screaming "THIS ISN'T OVER YET" so loud that the nosebleeds could hear it, Mark Henry grabs a microphone. "Hey, sucka, remember one thing about this day, your first WrestleMania: I just inducted you into the Hall of Pain." Pillman's face flushes pale as those words ring in his head, then shines bright red as he carves a path towards the ring where Henry stands, waiting. The moment he enters, Mark Henry lifts him up and delivers one last World's Strongest Slam. The lights go dark as the last image from the match is Mark Henry, arms folded standing over a shaking Brian Pillman.
The tag #1 contenders' match is up next. Finkel explains that the contest is scheduled for one fall, there will be one team in each corner with two legal men in the ring, and no disqualifications.
Legion of Violence (Shamrock & Shigeki) vs. The Dudleys (Bubba Ray & D-Von) vs. Kerrang! (Bob Holly & Bart Gunn) vs. The Dark Carnival (Doink & Vampiro)
Bart Gunn and Vampiro start off. Bart gets the upper hand quickly, pummeling Vampiro with strikes, tagging in Bob Holly and hitting a double clothesline. He goes for the cover after a vertical suplex, but Bubba Ray makes the blind tag on Bob and goes for the cover, but Vampiro kicks out and fights back into it. He whips Bubba into the ropes, where Shigeki tags him! Vampiro powerslams Bubba on the rebound, but doesn't realize Sato was tagged in until he takes a big roundhouse kick. A few hard kicks and a bridging suplex get a 2 because Doink and Bob Holly run in to break it up.
Vampiro's in bad shape at this point and reaches for the tag to Doink, but D-Von tags himself in. Doink gets angry and goes in anyway to double-team D-Von with Vampiro, and things start breaking down as Bubba re-enters to help out his brother. Bubba whips Sato into the corner and goes for a clothesline, but Ken Shamrock tags in on Sato and here comes Shamrock! Back elbow drops Bubba Ray, who rolls out, reaches under the ring and gets a table! He sets it up on the outside and motions for D-Von, but Bob Holly comes up from behind and hits a massive Alabama Slam on Bubba through his own table! This distracts D-Von, which allows Shamrock to get the double leg takedown and apply the Ankle Lock! Vampiro sees what's going on and runs in to break it up, but D-Von can't see him and taps out!
As Sato and Shamrock celebrate in the ring, Jimmy Hart cuts a promo. "Well, baby, whoever holds the tag team gold at the end of tonight's tag title match better watch out, because there's a target right in the middle of their back," at this point turning around to show the hard cam that on the back of his jacket for is an airbrushing of the WWF Tag Team Titles with crosshairs on them, "and come In Your House 15, the Legion Of Violence will have you in their sights!"
“Ladies and Gentlemen, the following contest is a tag team match scheduled for one fall, and it is for the WWF Tag Team Championship! Introducing first, accompanied by Jim Cornette, at a combined weight of 486 pounds, The British Bulldog and Skunkrocker Marty Jannetty, Camp Cornette!”
Bulldog's music hits and he and Skunk come out, Cornette in tow. The three of them look more serious than they ever have. Cornette sits down at the announce table, almost shoving Piper out of his seat, yelling at him to get ready for his match.
“And their opponents, at a combined weight of 457 Pounds, they are the WWF Tag Team Champions, “Rowdy” Roddy Piper and Chris Jericho, the Brave Lions!”
Piper is standing in the ring, shaking his head as Jericho comes down, showboating. He plays around with the two titles, and when he gets into the ring, he tries to hold Piper's arm up, celebrating as if they already won, but Piper just pulls his hand away.
Ding Ding Ding! The match starts. Jericho and Skunk start it off. Jericho tries to go for a quick pin by hitting a Codebreaker on Skunk early. He plays to the crowd a little, confident that Skunkrocker would be unable to get up even after 10 seconds. Finally, after Piper yells at him, he goes for the cover.
1...2... NO! Skunk kicks out, and Jericho can't believe it! Jericho attempts to go for another Codebreaker, but by the time he turns back to Skunk, he's tagged out, and Bulldog is there, and easily deflects the attempt. He follows this up by beating down Jericho. Punch after punch lands, as Jericho is starting to struggle to stay on his feet. Piper is riling up the audience as he tries his hardest to get Jericho to tag him in. Skunk is in his corner, cheering Bulldog on, and distinctly NOT trying to get tagged in.
Jericho eventually manages to get Bulldog down for a second after Bulldog attempts a clothesline that Jericho ducks, and whips him into Skunkrocker. As Camp Cornette is down, Jericho finally makes the tag to Piper!
Piper comes in, knocks down Bulldog with a lariat, hits Skunkrocker with a punch that sends him sprawling down onto the apron, and immediately locks on a Sleeper onto a woozy Bulldog. “See? Simple but effective! Not showy like your stuff,” he yells at Jericho. Bulldog takes advantage of this distraction to make a jump at the ropes, which he gets to! The ref counts to five, and Piper lets go at 4.
Not giving him any time to catch his breath, Piper is on Bulldog again, hitting him with jab after jab. Bulldog tries to get out of the ring to catch his breath, but Jericho blocks his path, and Piper starts corralling him to the center of the ring. Just as he's about down for the count, Bulldog ducks a jab, and slams him onto the ground.
At this point, Bulldog goes on a full offensive. Kicking Piper in the head, he goes for a clothesline that Piper counters into a whip. Bulldog is sent barreling into Jericho's corner, where Jericho is distracted trying to pump up the crowd. Piper is concerned for Jericho, and snaps himself out...
...right into a powerslam from Bulldog. 1...2...3! The British Bulldog and Skunkrocker are the new WWF Tag Team Champions! Skunk can barely contain his joy as he's handed the title!
After the match, Jericho picks Piper up after taking the pin. While Piper tries to awkwardly stand and balance on Jericho's shoulder, Jericho slaps Piper and walks away.
The lights went dark, and the Titantron began to play a video package for the Goldust/Undertaker match, although it could more accurately be called a trailer.
A SHATTERED DREAMS PRODUCTION
"In a world swept in chaos, one man has the power..." footage of Goldust raising the urn and controlling the Undertaker after plays.
"...to make a stand, to grasp the most valuable prize imaginable..." Undertaker chokeslams the (first) Ultimate Warrior off the ladder in the first ever Money In The Bank match, allowing Goldust to grab the briefcase.
"...and to prevail against the toughest forces." Undertaker and Kane brawl as the final two of the Hollywood Undead/Bearer's Bonds Survivor Series match.
"But after a chilling betrayal..." Undertaker destroys the urn and eliminates Goldust from the Royal Rumble.
"...former partners will be forced to wage war..." Goldust raining chairshots onto the Undertaker at the St. Valentine's Day Massacre.
"...in what may be the most important war the WWF has ever been witness to. The Silver Screen Sensation meets the Deadman... and may God have mercy on his soul."
The screen turns to static and a dark cloaked individual can be seen in the static. In a booming voice, he intones "Goldust, your cowardice has served you well so far, but tonight there'll be no escape from the clutches... of hell."
AND NOW YOUR FEATURE PRESENTATION
An old Western horse-drawn hearse is driven down the ramp, and morticians carry a casket out and place it in the ring. Undertaker rises from it, but he is immideately interrupted by...
Goldust singing "That's Entertainment" on his way to the ring, backed up by dancers and a band.
As the final strains of That's Entertainment played, an ominous tune faded in, as we were informed by the ring announcer that this is "A cage unlike any other, the most frightening and disturbing enclosure ever devised by modern man. It is, in so few words... Hell in a Cell." The cage was lowered into the arena as Goldust seemed to panic, and if I didn't know better, I'd say the Undertaker also seemed a little afraid.
As the match began, Goldust ran around the cage avoiding the Undertaker, and looking almost desperately at the roof of the cage. Eventually, Taker caught up to him, and they proceeded to brawl, with Undertaker taking every opportunity to mar Goldust's face paint by putting his face to the unforgiving steel. Goldust turned the tables after a low blow, using the cage wall to add even more punishing force to chair strikes. He wore down Undertaker's body, and once Taker seemed down for the count Goldust began to climb the wall of the cage. Once he reached the top, Undertaker sat up. As Goldust tried to pry through the joint between the roof and wall of the cell, Undertaker pulled him down into position for a Last Ride Powerbomb, but Goldust reversed it into a DDT before rolling Taker into the ring.
1...2, Taker kicked out, and Goldust went back onto offense with a chair, trying to keep Taker down. As he did this, he looked around the cell. Eventually, his eyes lit up, and he delivered one massive chairshot to the Undertaker before clambering up the wall of the cell, towards a camera. A hole had been cut into the side of the cell to allow the camera to film the match, and Goldust climbed, Winnie The Pooh-esque, through the opening before tumbling out to the floor. Piper, Gene, and JR all expressed confusion as Goldust started to celebrate, even doing a victory lap before he noticed that he had not been declared the winner. Goldust did not notice Undertaker sitting back up, his face beginning to bleed after some of the particularly brutal chairshots earlier had busted him open. The ref informed the irate Goldust that in this match, there is no victory for escaping the cage. Goldust began to argue, but he was stopped mid-sentence by the sound of crashing metal, as Undertaker ripped a panel off the cage, stared at Goldust, and rolled his eyes back in his head while dragging his thumb across his throat. poo poo had just gotten real.
Goldust and Undertaker exchanged blows on the outside, but the Undertaker seemed to be unaffected by Goldust's strikes, wearing him down before Irish Whipping him into the cage and to the ring through the hole left by the panel Taker ripped off. As Goldust's back hit the hard metal apron, Taker wound up for a running clothesline, but Goldust rolled back into the ring. Goldust caught his breath for a precious few seconds as Taker lumbered forebodingly to the ring, his head down. Taker stopped in front of the ring, and lifted his face up, staring daggers at Goldust as his face was covered in blood. As Taker got back in the ring, Goldust tried to head him off with cheap shots, but Taker saw it coming, and hit him with a chokeslam, before going for the cover.
1...2...2.9, Goldust kiceds out, and immediately began to get back on offense, dragging Taker up and hitting the Curtain Call. As Goldust took a moment to play to the crowd, taking a bow, Taker began to sit up, though much less swiftly than usual, and Goldust tried to beat him back down. This time, Taker's eyes rolled back into his head, and he didn't register Goldust's strikes, eventually catching one and reversing it into the Tombstone Piledriver. He hit it, but he couldn't stay up for the usual pin, just collapsing onto Goldust.
1...2...3. Undertaker won.
Backstage, Skunkrocker, Bulldog, and Cornette are celebrating with grape soda. Skunk: "YOU DID IT! YOU DID IT! YOU WON US THE TAG TEAM TITLES! AND I MANAGED NOT TO SCREW IT UP! HOORAY!" Cornette: "Skunk, you better keep a close eye on these tag titles, because if they find their way to some other team... you might be finding your way to another manager."
After the huge Hell in a Cell Goldust vs Undertaker match, we were at the dead spot of the show. Poor Taz and Steve Corino came out for their match and to their credit they put on a hell of a match given the circumstances. The moment the bell rings, Steve Corino immediately slides out of the ring and Taz gives chase around the ring. Corino slides back into the ring and as Taz follows, tries to ambush Taz as he enters the ring with a couple of kicks. However, Taz sees it coming, catching Corino's foot, throwing it back down and hitting a big overhead belly-to-belly suplex. Corino scatters outside the ring again to regroup and talk strategy with Ted DiBiase, who had gotten a section of the front row seats cordoned off for himself. Taz interrupts their pow-wow with several stiff uppercuts to Corino's jaw that send Corino on his back, but before Taz can capitalize, DiBiase starts pulling on Taz's singlet. Taz throws a wild haymaker at Ted, hitting nothing but air, but DiBiase's distraction has given Corino enough time to collect himself and put Taz into the Million Dollar Dream! Taz futilely flails and struggles, but Corino has it locked in tight! As Taz's consciousness fades, Corino releases the hold and rolls Taz into the ring along with himself before the referee can make the 10-count.
Corino targets Taz's neck and head while he's down with several vicious Garvin Stomps and then turns to Ted DiBiase for approval, who gives a standing round of applause for Corino. With Corino's attention off him for a moment, Taz springs to action with release german suplex but Corino is aware enough to land on his feet. Corino tries to boot Taz in the face but Taz again catches Corino's foot. Before Taz can react, Corino hits an enzuigiri but Taz is still standing and holding Corino by the foot as Corino hits the mat. Corino tries to scramble to the ropes but Taz puts his full weight on Corino's back and cinches in the Tazmission! Corino is completely helpless in the hold and as the ref checks on the competitors, DiBiase hops over the barricade and starts untying one of the top turnbuckle pads. As Corino raises his hand to tap out, DiBiase pulls at the ref's shirt and starts yelling at him. DiBiase leads the referee to the other side of the ring and as the referee ejects DiBiase from the arena to cheers. As the crowd cheers, Corino starts tapping out but the ref is still occupied with seeing DiBiase out. Mistakenly thinking he's won, Taz releases the Tazmission on Corino and walks over to the ref to have his hand raised in victory.
The ref tells a confused Taz that the match is still going on since he neither heard or saw any tap out and as Taz turns back to Corino, he eats a superkick from the Million Dollar Prodigy. Corino takes the dazed Taz over to the exposed turnbuckle and begins repeatedly bashing Taz's head into it before Taz hits a desperation elbow into Corino's nose. As Taz staggers backwards out of the corner, a bloody nosed Corino is already on Taz and tries to lock in the Million Dollar Dream. Taz tries to block it but a couple knee strikes to the back of Taz's spine allows Corino to cinch it in. Taz struggles for a while, trying to get near the ropes but eventually his strength begins to sap from him as he's fingertips away from the ropes. In a last ditch effort, Taz drops to his knees and throws his weight forward which proves successful as Corino's skull crashes into the exposed turnbuckle. As a small trickle of blood runs down Corino's forehead, he tries an enzuigiri again but Taz counters it with a Dragon Screw. Corino barely has enough time to get his bearings as Taz comes barrelling down and hits the Angry Man's Clothesline. Taz puts the downed Corino in the Tazmission and before Corino taps out, the Million Dollar Prodigy begins to weep like a baby. Despite being in the death spot of the card, the crowd got decently heated for this match, which is testament to the wrestlers involved.
Howard Finkel announced an intermission right before the main event to give us time to take a piss break (or, in my case, write these results). Main event coming soon.
Abrasive Obelisk fucked around with this message at 19:52 on Aug 23, 2014
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Aug 13, 2014 04:59
Team WWF, WrestleMania is booking RIGHT NOW, so 
IRC! 
