Boo! Recount! Judges are crooked! Free Mercedes!
|# ¿ Jan 7, 2014 05:08|
|# ¿ Jun 17, 2019 13:25|
I guess I'll write a sto
Death Where Is Thy… Oh What’s That Word, Bees Do It
“Howard Lee. How do you plead?”
Howard glanced up. “I don’t really remember the charges. Two hundred and seven years is a long time for a trial, dude.”
“The defendant will address the court as ‘Your Honour’, or we – that is to say, I – will add contempt of court to the charge. Which was breaking the laws of nature or something and creating a heck of a lot of paperwork for us because we had to create laws recognising it was a thing and then pass decrees and this and that to allow us to retroactively charge you for it. You bastard.”
“Oh, that. Yeah I remember that.” Howard glanced at his nails. “What were the options again?”
The Judge shuffled some papers about on his desk. “Guilty, or, or, or,” more shuffling of papers, “not.”
“That first one, I guess. Lock it in.”
“OK, defendant has issued a plea, ladies and gentlemen of the-”
“Wait, I wasn’t paying attention, I think I picked the wrong one.”
“Sorry, you’ve already locked it in. Verdict, jurors?”
The head juror stood up. It had taken a while to pick the head juror – you know, that foreman guy or whatever – and the suggestion that the person with the longest beard should be elected had met with violent resistance from some of the female members. One in particular had bench pressed the gentleman with the longest beard into a catatonic state, and he’d had to be replaced. Madam foreman – head juror or whatever they’d called her, it was so long ago – stood up.
“Wait,” said Howard, “I’m sure there was some other bit.”
“Can it, weakling,” said Madam foreman. “For the crime of making us sit through this boring trial – two hundred and seven years, Howard. I oughta cram you into a locker and kick sand in your face. Where was I?”
“Verdict,” said one of the other jurors.
“Ah yes. For that one, you and that guy with the bad wig are sentenced to do two hundred and seven million push ups.” The members of the audience who were awake politely applauded this very clever example of poetic justice. The judge looked mildly put out, but what could he do, the jurors had spoken. “For the lesser crime of that whole breaking nature and stopping the very hands of death thing or whatever, you - but not the wig guy - are sentenced to be hanged by the neck until the rope snaps.”
Howard shrugged. “It’s a fair cop.”
“Push ups start now, by the way. I’ll count them out, and no, push ups on your knees do not count.”
Howard and the Judge made their way to the... oh man. Tip of my tongue. People exercise there or whatever.
|# ¿ Jan 7, 2014 14:06|
466 words by the way, including title.
|# ¿ Jan 7, 2014 14:06|
Nobody ever does.
The various references on it don't seem to agree on what it is, and not one single quoted reference agreed with the one that was pulled out of the arse of whichever judge used it as a prompt.
|# ¿ Jan 8, 2014 17:44|
Hahaha, drat. There goes my entire story, then. Time to go at it with a butcher's knife.
Zero. There have been zero stories posted since Muffin posted that flash rule. There are zero stories that count towards that flash rule.
Oh wait, now there's been one.
Oh wait, that's a brawl entry. Still zero.
|# ¿ Jan 11, 2014 09:41|
I can if I want! You're not my real dad, and Muffin isn't my real mum!
EDIT: Also in with, oh, I dunno, the 3140s.
Chairchucker fucked around with this message at Jan 28, 2014 around 13:13
|# ¿ Jan 28, 2014 13:03|
This is a story. It has 689 words.
It was summer and the sun was high in the sky; it was bright, yellow, and killing me. I didn’t know exactly how long I had left, but it would be long enough.
There was only one tower left. I’d been building them for about three months, which is also why I was going to die a little sooner than might otherwise have been the case. The smart play, one might argue, would’ve been to do the construction at night, but my night eyes weren’t that great. Not like some of the younger ones who’d grown up underground. Only some, though; not my Ben. Didn’t have enough generators to spare to light up the area, either. I would’ve still gotten the work done, but it would’ve been a matter of years or even decades, rather than months.
Of course, others might argue that the even smarter play would be to just stay underground. I didn’t really have a convincing argument against this point of view. Still, my work was almost done, although I’d gotten to this point by standing on the shoulders of giants – or, more to the point, stealing from the laboratories and factories of long dead billionaires.
I plugged in the last circuit; it whirred in a worrying fashion. I frowned and pulled it back out again. Ah, it was a circuit from a home sanitation unit. I’d heard they did that. It was nothing to worry about. I plugged it back in. Only one thing left to do.
A two hour hike saw me at the central control tower above the entrance to what I now dared to hope was only a temporary home. Well, for some, anyway. I plugged in my laptop and ran some diagnostics. All towers were communicative.
It was six months ago now that I’d found the laptop. It’d been in the basement of a suburban home; one of those really fancy basements that was intended to work as a shelter. It looked like it’d probably served in that capacity just fine until they’d run out of canned food. It was rare to find a working laptop that also had a working power supply, but it was what was on the laptop that was the biggest find. It was the thing that would fix the sky.
And also contribute to killing me.
I opened the program now. It didn’t have a name; whoever owned the laptop had apparently named it Amos or something, although they’d spelt it wrong. Amos didn’t have a ‘t’. I adjusted some settings and told it to activate, then went underground for a bit.
Apparently I’d collapsed about two hundred metres inside the entrance. I was discovered by the first hunting team of the evening. I awoke to see Karl peering down at me. “You’re gonna have to give up these day time trips,” he said. “I told you they weren’t good for you.”
I smiled. “Don’t worry, that was the last one.”
“Good,” he said. “About time you gave up on that idea.”
I shook my head. “No. I mean it’s done. Any further work or maintenance can be done at night time anyway, now that they’re all powered.”
“OK, well you’d better get some rest. You’ve got a very small visitor waiting to see you when you’re feeling a little better.”
“That’s fine,” I said. “I can see him now.”
Karl showed Ben into the room. I reached my arms out to him and he latched onto me. “Are you OK, mum?”
I smiled and kissed his forehead. “I’m fine, sweetie. Just tired.”
“Dr Karl says it’s the outside, that the sun’s bad for you. You aren’t going to go out there anymore, are you?”
“Nah, my work’s finished.”
“It’s complicated, honey. Maybe when you’re older someone will explain it.”
It’s a shame that it won’t be me. It’s a shame that I won’t get to see his face the first time he goes outside, sees daylight that doesn’t kill everything under it. But see it he will, so I can’t be too bitter that it killed me to make it happen.
|# ¿ Feb 2, 2014 11:10|
Like, not literally taking it, no need to call emergency services or anything. I mean I'm signing in and my story is going to be half-heartedly related to that element.
|# ¿ Feb 4, 2014 06:09|
I saw a part of a show the other day about the 'smartest computer ever', a computer named Watson, who ended up being coded well enough such that he/it whatevs eventually won Jeopardy against the two greatest Jeopardy winners ever. An interesting show, and one bit that stuck with me was when they were training the computer up for this eventual showdown, the person who was asking the questions was a comedian who, when Watson gave a particularly silly wrong answer (they were still fixing up his pattern recognition and stuff) would rip on Watson a bit, because he's a comedian and that's what he does. The comedian made the comment that Watson was 'the perfect straight man' because he/it genuinely just does not understand the concept of humour.
I guess where I'm going with this is, what is your mission here among us humans? Are you here from the future to assassinate someone and/or enslave all humanity? Because that's cool, I just need to know.
|# ¿ Feb 6, 2014 12:33|
This robot challenges chairchucker to a brawl. Bring it bitch.
|# ¿ Feb 6, 2014 19:51|
No again because:
a. I'm lazy.
b. I think brawls are dumb.
|# ¿ Feb 7, 2014 06:59|
Tangentially related to arsenic. It's a degrees of separation thing. 535 words.
Out of Love
27 March 2011
…well it’s just shocking about young Carly, isn’t it? Pregnant, and at her age, and not even married. Her poor parents. Do you think she even knows who the father is? I mean, I know it may seem presumptuous, but if a girl like that is prepared to give it away without even being married, who knows what she’ll do? I mean, the Lord knows I don’t gossip, but people will talk, won’t they? And what kind of an example is she going to set for her child, when it comes to that? If it comes to that. But I’m most worried about her poor parents. What must they have done wrong to raise a girl like that? I mean someone needs to get alongside that girl. Does she know what this will do for her reputation? I certainly won’t let my children associate with her anymore, I don’t want that kind of influence in their lives. They’re good kids. It’s about good parenting, you’ve got to be firm I think. I know I was parented, strictly, I knew not to get out of line…
12 May 2011
…oh, you hadn’t heard? Well I don’t gossip of course, but apparently Carly isn’t pregnant anymore. Yes, absolutely tragic. Apparently she’s unable to take responsibility for her sinful ways. So obviously, keep that poor murdered baby in your prayers. Oh, and Carly as well I suppose, although it seems like maybe she’s beyond help. Can you believe, she tried to come to church the other week, pregnant with the fruits of her sins and all? Of course, I had a quiet word with her afterwards, about not shoving her iniquities in the Lord’s face. Do you think He wants sinners like her in His building? She’s got to show she’s repented first, and rocking up with the evidence of her sins just isn’t the way. And now she’s gone and killed that poor child as well. It’s not the baby’s fault its mother is a… no, I won’t say that, I won’t let her bring me to that. Still, in a way it’s a small mercy I suppose. I mean, what kind of mother would she have made, anyway? I know, it’s awful to think about, but…
27 September 2011
…yes, her poor mother found her body. I don’t know, a mix of pills I think. Just in her bedroom. Her mother’s grief stricken of course. All that girl’s put her through, it’s a wonder she hasn’t had some kind of breakdown. I mean, what more could we have done for her? We prayed for her, and we tried to warn her that sin was taking hold of her life. I’m just glad I didn’t let my children have anything to do with her. Oh they begged me, silly young things thought maybe it would be a good idea for her to spend time with some friends of a similar age. Yes, they meant well, but I could see what direction she was going, and I wouldn’t have her dragging my children with her. It was out of love, something that wretched ingrate could’ve learned a thing or two about…
|# ¿ Feb 9, 2014 11:13|
PS: If you are mad about flippant judgment now, don't ever, ever ever go back and read the first Thunderdome thread, you will simultaneously flip your wig AND poo poo your pants.
Also you will do those things if you ever enter a week I judge.
|# ¿ Feb 18, 2014 06:59|
Woop woop! I get to inflict a prompt on y'all!
Chairchucker's LEGO prompt about LEGO for people who like LEGO which is about LEGO [Editor's note: maybe work on the title]
Do you like LEGO? I like LEGO. If you don't like LEGO, I'm sorry to hear that you are a horrible person with no redeeming features and/or soul. But you can still join this week, whatevs.
Prompt is as follows:
Pick a LEGO set. You can find them here: http://lego.wikia.com/wiki/Category:Sets And probably some other places, whatevs. And there's probably easier ways to find the cool ones, that site's annoying to navigate sometimes, whatevs figure it out. Has to be a real set though, no custom shenanigans, even though the custom LEGO PS:T set is pretty dope. Don't have to announce it when you sign up, that's cool. Now that you've got your set, congratulation you've just selected all of your characters and the scene(s) in which your story will take place.
If I was, hypothetically, to choose this LEGO Star Destroyer set here: http://lego.wikia.com/wiki/6211_Imperial_Star_Destroyer (Selected because I actually own it and it is rad) I would be obliged to write a story set in or on or around a Star Destroyer, and the characters would be Darth Vader and some other random guys. Also I'd get disqualified because there's no Fanfic allowed. Did I mention that? I'm mentioning it now. Still no Fanfic. So if you're particularly drawn to one of the licensed sets, better find a convincing reason that your protagonist looks like an upright turtle but is in no way teenage, mutated or a ninja. And fancy dress is banned. NO FANCY DRESS PARTIES OR SIMILAR DODGES.
When you post your story, post a picture or link or something to your set also. Possible bonus points if you take pictures of the LEGO inhabitants of your set acting out the story or a pivotal scene thereof.
DO NOT SUBMIT YOUR STORY BEFORE THE SIGN UP DEADLINE BECAUSE AFTER SIGNUPS CLOSE I AM POSSIBLY GOING TO DOLE OUT FLASH RULES.
Write about whatever the heck you want but your setting and characters are from a LEGO set;
Word Limit: 750;
No sex or swearing or torture or similarly unLEGO things. Cartoon violence permitted.
Sign ups close: Friday, Feb 21, 2359 USA Eastern or whenever on Saturday my time I decide to SHUT IT DOWN AND HAND OUT FLASH RULES
So many flash rules.
SUBMISSIONS OPEN: After I have handed out flash rules.
SUBMISSIONS CLOSE: Sunday, Feb 23, 2359 USA Eastern but maybe a bit of flex as I'll be coming home from work and stuff on Monday before I get to it, we'll see what happens but don't entrust yourself to my capricious whims.
JUDGES: Me, Beef (that was you volunteering right?) and a third person I have in mind should they submit to my nagging.
GO GO GO SIGN UP (or not whatevs)
Chairchucker fucked around with this message at Feb 18, 2014 around 11:06
|# ¿ Feb 18, 2014 10:58|
Just an FYI there are at least two people who are going to get hit with surprise flash rules for their sins LATER ON.
|# ¿ Feb 18, 2014 19:52|
Question has been asked a few times re: flash rules.
When I hand out flash rules, they will not be rules that affect the overall theme or whatever of your story. Feel free to start writing now.
At present there are only two people in line for punitive flash rules.
|# ¿ Feb 19, 2014 05:52|
Is it bad form to ask for a point of clarification? Should these Lego stories be devoid of any humans, or are Toy Story scenarios acceptable as well? Is this open to interpretation? I only ask because I haven't seen the Lego movie yet.
I thought my example would've cleared that up, but I'll try a simpler example.
Let's say I picked this set:
This set contains a barn in a state of disrepair, a builder minifig and a construction vehicle of some kind. Therefore, my story would be set in or near a barn in a state of disrepair, and my sole character would be a builder, unless I decided to make the construction vehicle a sentient construction vehicle. In my story, should I write this (I won't be doing this, however) I would make it an actual barn, the construction worker would be an actual human construction worker, and the construction vehicle would be an actual construction vehicle, although I would possibly make it sentient on account of the appealing smile it is sporting. Should you wish to not have your characters be human that is A OK as long as they are recognisable in the minifigs in your set, in the same way that the minifig in this set is recognisably a builder.
What I will certainly not have:
Any characters that are not represented in some way by figures in that set.
A minifig or obviously significant piece of a set that is missing from my story.
I hope this clears things up a little bit.
|# ¿ Feb 19, 2014 12:25|
OK I can't be bothered waiting until submissions close.
So here they are, here are the punitive flash rules, AKA A Trap For Americans.
You two jive pluralising suckas have only 400 words, enjoy!
I suppose this means not many other people will be silly enough to earn this flash rule, but whatevs.
|# ¿ Feb 20, 2014 12:48|
Oh. Hey. Sign ups are closed. Punitive flash rules have already been doled out or whatever, get writing.
|# ¿ Feb 22, 2014 05:58|
Reminder that this is a thing in case you want bonus points or whatever
Possible bonus points if you take pictures of the LEGO inhabitants of your set acting out the story or a pivotal scene thereof.
|# ¿ Feb 23, 2014 09:26|
You got an hour extra because I just got home from work but time is most definitely expired for submissions. Gonna start reading your stories.
|# ¿ Feb 24, 2014 06:01|
JUDGEMENT POST: THIS IS A POST THAT IS JUDGING YOU.
DMs: Quidnose, Ursine Asylum, Tyrannosaurus, Cache Cab, Starter Wiggin, Elfdude, Arkane.
If you thought you wrote a pretty decent story and are surprised to see a dishonourable mention next to your name, cast your eye over this from the prompt:
No sex or swearing or torture or similarly unLEGO things. Cartoon violence permitted.
Your stories have most likely been deemed 'unLEGO'.
Hey. Hey Systran. Where's our prompt.
|# ¿ Feb 25, 2014 06:58|
Your stories have most likely been deemed 'unLEGO'.
Should note: it's also possible I hated it and wish bad things for you forever, so don't necessarily feel good about yourself.
|# ¿ Feb 25, 2014 07:03|
Oh addendum to these: Black Griffon
|# ¿ Feb 25, 2014 09:47|
Oh addendum to these: Black Griffon
Oh also Whalley
|# ¿ Feb 25, 2014 11:27|
In I will write a thing, or will I, oooh I'm not telling you if I'll be writing what I submit. Or something.
|# ¿ Feb 25, 2014 13:48|
I will write a thing containing a ghost.
|# ¿ Mar 11, 2014 06:11|
Has anyone ever actually written erotica in the dome besides hereticMIND and I guess Baudolino's aboned bunker?
|# ¿ Mar 13, 2014 19:46|
“I’ll have a burger,” said Brad.
“Same,” said Sue.
“That’s one burger then,” said the waiter.
“I know it’s tricky to figure out for a school leaving minimum wage earner,” said Brad, “but that’s clearly two burgers.”
“Sorry,” said the waiter, “but we don’t serve spirits here.”
It was a good gag, and they all laughed heartily.
“Seriously though,” said the waiter, “we aren’t serving her anything.”
“Whoa, I thought you were kidding,” said Brad. “It was a good gag, and we all laughed. You’re seriously not gonna serve her?”
“It’s OK,” said Sue. “We can go somewhere else.”
“Why don’t you listen to your little ‘lady’?” asked the waiter, doing the air quotes with his fingers and everything. “Maybe some places will serve her, but we’re a family restaurant. People bring their kids here.”
Brad stood up, scraping his chair noisily across the floor. “You know what,” and his voice filled the diner now, “this place is a dump. What say I take you to a classy joint, one that isn’t run by bigots?”
“Come on now, we don’t want no trouble,” said the waiter, but Brad punched him in the face anyway.
“Was that really necessary?” asked Sue after they had left.
“Sorry,” said Brad. “I just sometimes forget that even in this day and age, there are still people who think like that. It makes me so angry.”
Sue pulled him close and kissed him on the cheek. “I appreciate you standing up for me, but I’m used to it. I don’t need you to punch everyone who insults my honour.”
“It’s just so hard, you know? Sometimes I think about trying to die in tragic circumstances just so no one will question our love.”
“Oh, don’t speak like that, honey. The fact that you can actually breathe is part of what makes you you. Besides, all the dead men are so depressing.”
“Oh yeah, speaking of which, do you have to go haunting soon?”
Sue leaned over and peered at his watch. “I’ve got time. Let’s go get that burger, first.”
Brad put his arm around her waist and pulled her close, and for a few minutes, as they walked to a more tolerant diner, they were able to forget about things like dead people only recently getting the vote, and marriage still being legally defined only as a union between two living people, and the fact that for several hours every night Sue was compelled to peel back her face and scream at tourists. For now they were just two souls in love.
|# ¿ Mar 16, 2014 13:14|
I am going to write some 'crits' of this prompt that was a whole month ago. (Note quotation marks denoting low effort.)
Now, in the year of our lord 2014, he has written a story about his very favourite LEGO set, which might in fact be the most awesome LEGO set ever.
OK first of all while that is a very nice LEGO set it is definitely not the most awesome LEGO set ever, what a silly thing to say.
Anyway I really liked this story, I liked the very LEGOlike fake cussin' and cartoon violence, it was fun and funny good job Muffin.
Your setting and cast of characters - 70505 - Temple of Light
Apart from those things I thought it was pretty OK though.
Way too much exposition. "This is all that guy's fault, let me remind you of all these facts you and I are both already fully aware of for the convenience of the reader!" No, don't do that. Show us those things happening in the first place, or draw them out in more natural conversation that doesn't sound like infodump for the sake of it, or don't give us back-story at all because it barely matters anyway. Slightly saved by quickly LEGO building a saddle for a bear.
Your 'LEGO set' is only one person whereas your story has like four people and an airport, so there's that for a start. Offensive, ('fat chick', 'waddled') butchered language, (repeatedly using lower case 'i', 'a buzz', missing apostrophe on 'the flights so huge', didn't start a new paragraph for a new person talking at one point, had at least one instance of "thing someone said." He said - note the incorrect full stop and new sentence when it should be a comma and lower case 'h') and boring because you exposition dump the climax on us and the climax sucks anyway - I FULFILLED MY DREAM OF SELLING MY CAR AND GOING ON A HOLIDAY, AND THEN BEING A JERK TO WORKERS. Some of the other judges suggested that it was possible that other stories might be in the conversation for worst, and I laughed at them.
Oh also you used some unLEGO language.
My set - http://lego.wikia.com/wiki/10231_Shuttle_Expedition
This paragraph is the only hint that something cool and exciting could've happened. I would've preferred to have read that story I think. By no means a terrible story, just terribly disappointing that the BIG REVEAL never happens and instead you just have them crash for [unexplained reasons].
You play a dangerous game, docbeard. A lot of people did stories where the characters turned out to be actual LEGO people being played with by humans. It wasn't always necessarily done in a way that made it an interesting story. This was kind of an interesting take on the idea IMO. I didn't mind the story overall, it was all right. I had no strong feelings on it. Dunno what else to say really.
Another domer who likes to play with fire.
I didn't mind this I guess, it was all right. Although Olaf landing on "something that was soft and hard" was kind of weird.
Kind of depressing and also kind of more things than are in your LEGO set, I know EBeef watered down my rule a little bit because he is a jerk, but I still definitely expected people to pick sets with multiple people if they wanted to have multiple people in their stories, but anyway. The problem I guess is not much happens. A monkey busks for a while and then dies, oh the humanity.
I thought it was all right, the LEGO / real people thing was done pretty competently. The other judges were way higher on this than I was so you won, so congrats from like a month ago I guess.
Decapitation? Not very LEGO. Also the protag was way too fascinated by the dog for no apparent reason. Took too long just marvelling at what a weird dog it was.
LEGO Set: http://lego.wikia.com/wiki/8188_Fire_Blaster
Apart from those the main problem is that the main action is boring. "There was a salamander and then they followed it and they successfully caught it." Be a bit more creative, add some more tension to the conflict, I dunno.
Lego set: http://shop.lego.com/en-NO/Empire-State-Building-21002 ( The Empire State Building)
Pros: a more interesting premise and execution of premise than the majority of entries up to this point.
Cons: still way too many spelling and grammatical errors. Do you seriously have no means of proof reading your work?
http://lego.wikia.com/wiki/10193_Me..._Market_Village (It's relevant to my story that this set is part of a larger faction: http://lego.wikia.com/wiki/Castle_(2007) )
No sorry, that's not relevant. BTW good choice because Medieval Market Village is dope. I have it and it rules. The main issue with this is that the protag doesn't do much except not die and then not disagree with a person. It's relatively well written and an interesting premise but feels more like a prologue than a story.
I'm a little bit sad because I never saw dinosaur LEGO in stores and a LEGO T-Rex would be cool. Anyway, I liked this because it had a dinosaur in it and because the rabbit ending was amusing.
The other judges hated this way more than I did, which is not to say I loved it though. I don't have strong feelings on it either way TBH.
UGHHHHHH maybe I'll write more 'crits' later, let's see how I'm feeling. Maybe I won't.
|# ¿ Mar 19, 2014 09:17|
I am going to write a story.
|# ¿ Mar 26, 2014 06:03|
Wouldn't If You Were on Fire
“Bet you can’t.”
Anna peered over the edge. It was a fair way down. Wind wasn’t too bad though. Little bit of adjustment. No obstacles in the way. She cleared her throat. Hock hard. Get that phlegm into a nice big lump.
The phlegm was very important. Lesser spitters often neglected the phlegm. They didn’t understand that, in addition to leaving a more satisfying mark on the spittee, the extra weight made the trajectory of the spit more predictable. She angled her head slightly, hocked once more, pursed her lips and then expelled her phlegmy load outwards and downwards.
Richie was waiting outside the front door. Those two dweebs had to come down sooner or later, and when they did, he would give them such a beating. It would be glorious. He was daydreaming about the beating he’d deliver them when a phlegmy load landed in his hair.
“That was the greatest thing I have ever seen,” said Robbie.
“Never doubt my powers of expectoration again.”
“I never will.”
The spittee felt about with his hand and discovered what it was that he’d thought was rain. He did not appear thrilled with his discovery.
“Is he crying,” asked Anna?
“Yeah,” said Robbie. “Now this is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen.”
Robbie shrugged. “He’s a poo. Maybe now he won’t pick on us so much.”
Unfortunately, for much of Anna’s formative years, her special gift would not be encouraged by adults around her, or by her peers. It was ‘unladylike’, or ‘gross’, or ‘totally gross’, or ‘so not hot.’ She still practiced in private, but very few opportunities to show off her talent presented themselves.
Anna blinked and refocussed. “Sorry, I was providing twenty years of exposition in third person.”
“Uh. Not important. What was the question?”
“Did you want dessert?”
“No thanks, dinner was kind of huge. I’ve got fruity chewy, that’ll give me that desserty flavour without the calories.”
Richie grinned. “That’s pretty weird, but no problem. I’ll go get the bill and we can get out of here.”
OK, so you’re probably wondering about the Richie thing. Well basically, twenty years is a long time, right? I mean, we were like, five or something in that first bit. He grew out of being a jackass, what do you want from me? Plus the writer didn’t want to write more characters into it and think up more character names, and Robbie moved interstate to study or something.
“Oh, you’re back. Just more exposition. Dropped the third person though.”
“I have no idea what you just said.”
Anna kissed him on the cheek. “It’s nothing, let’s just go, all right?”
Now before the tilde denoted a jump of like twenty years, but this time it’s more like two minutes. Just letting you know so you don’t get too confused.
“Uh, Anna, can you stop doing the thing? We seem to be getting mugged.”
“Give me your purse, lady.”
Anna chewed her gum and looked at the mugger. He had no defining features worth expounding on. I mean maybe he turned to a life of crime because he was laid off or something, but it’s more likely in his case that he was just an awful person who was no respecter of property laws.
“I’m not giving you my purse.”
“You should totally give me your purse.”
“I don’t see why I should. I don’t see any positives in this for me.”
The mugger reached out and laid his hands on her purse. “Um. Hands off my purse, you jerk.”
The mugger yanked hard, and Anna stumbled forward a couple of steps. “If you don’t let go of this purse,” said the mugger, “I am going to do some unpleasant things to you. I won’t describe them in any detail because this isn’t that kind of story, but you can be assured they’re pretty nasty and not the kind of things you want happening to you.”
Anna chewed again. Cleared her throat. Angled her head slightly, pursed her lips and then expelled her chewy load out towards her outwards and upwards.
The mugger clutched at his eye and said some unpleasant things, while Anna and Richie stepped over him and kept walking to the car.
“That was the greatest thing I have ever seen,” said Richie.
Anna shrugged. “I’ve done better. Once.”
|# ¿ Mar 30, 2014 12:54|
Crittin' this one.
In lieu of
|# ¿ Mar 31, 2014 06:31|
More month old crits, yaaaaaay.
Nothing happens, the translation gimmick wears out its welcome really quick. Boo.
OK you did the actual LEGO people thing as well that's cool I guess. Also I guess fire bricks are supposedly hot like normal fire which is why people want them when it's snowing, yet they can just pick them up? Maybe decide whether your LEGO people can feel temperature or not. I dunno I didn't hate it but the plot was kind of dumb, they kicked the banker out for getting robbed or something? So they're just not going to have a banker, or...? OK wasted too much time thinking about this, NEXT
On the one hand this was pretty good and did tension well with what could've been fairly mundane subject matter, on the other hand you used some unLEGO language therefore
Kinda liked this one, nice and short which is a good start, action was done relatively well and clearly enough that it was easy to follow.
Did you literally name your characters after the names of the actual LEGO minifigs? Well that's cool I guess. I don't really like cliffhanger endings though. Like, your ending is basically 'something exciting is about to happen'. Why not give us the exciting thing?
What the hell's a Leftenant? Also, Abby's a dude? That confused me. Oh wait I see that's his surname I guess. Bit depressing, also there wasn't a person who lives in the sea as per your flash rule. Was written decently though I guess apart from spelling Lieutenant a little weirdly.
I liked this one quite a lot, it amused me, good job Fumblemouse. In fact I probably enjoyed it substantially more than the one that won because my co-judges loved the heck out of it. Thor Brickson is a good name BTW.
I actually thoroughly enjoyed this one also despite not much happening, however you took the Lord's name in vain, rather unLEGO old chap.
This was probably one of the best of the depressing ones so good job. I say good writing. Good work that man. Top shelf. Spiffing. Oh except for some bad dialogue punctuation things, you can't have a period inside quotation marks and then not start a new sentence, just not the done thing.
Liked it, it amused me, got a kick out of the rather petty inmate messing with his captives. I thought it was going to be an Orwellian morality tale about communism, thoroughly enjoyed finding out it (probably) wasn't.
You did the 'IT TURNS OUT THE CHARACTERS WERE LEGO PEOPLE ALL ALONG' which I have grown to hate, and you swore in a very unLEGO fashion, and in front of a fictional child no less, BOOOOOO
Kind of depressing but kind of nice I guess I kind of liked it OK moving on. NEXT.
What the hell, there's no dragon in this set, what are you playing at? BOOOOOOOOOOOO
Title: The Grand Prize
Hated this one, also your protagonist is terrible and said some rather unLEGO things. Talking pretty explicitly about sex is still unLEGO even if you say 'phallus' instead of 'dick' as the thing that someone is (or isn't) getting wet. Also ruffian has two 'f's. Just awful, BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo
I liked it it was cool and fun and funny.
I don't totally get it but I guess the guy was kind of giving them their eternal rest because he felt sorry for them or something? Well that's nice. Also I enjoyed the ghost saying 'rude' more than I probably should've so this one gets a thumbs up from me.
Yeah this was OK I guess, skirted the edge of LEGOness with that Casanova thing but it's all good. I found it amusing it's cool it's great.
Kinda boring and trying too hard to be weird and alien and being boring instead. BOOOOORING.
Other judges suggested you might have a shot at ultimate loser, but srsly, did you read that other one?
Oh look, they're LEGO people again. Nothing happens which could be OK if it was entertaining to read in some way but it wasn't.
Chairchucker fucked around with this message at Apr 2, 2014 around 09:51
|# ¿ Apr 2, 2014 09:47|
Thank you for tearing yourself away from [Kiwi stereotype about rugby or animal husbandry, you pick] to write some crits, Mojo old chap. Spiffing. Top shelf.
|# ¿ Apr 8, 2014 07:04|
I will write something I guess.
|# ¿ Apr 15, 2014 06:57|
Postponing until Monday this week because I'm in the future and we have the long weekend yay.
|# ¿ Apr 19, 2014 04:45|
Zoning Issues 1136 words
“Human male, designation ‘Casper’, does not meet zoning requirements. Access Denied. I can’t compute any clearer way to impart this data.”
Casper frowned. “Gabby? Hey Gabby? Your metalman or whatever isn’t letting me in, explain to it that I’m OK, yeah?”
Gabrielle sauntered over. Sauntering was her favourite method of perambulation because she thought the word sounded kind of casual and cool. It went well with ‘jaunty’, which was the angle at which she hoped her hat was. When she was wearing a hat. At this moment she was hatless. She plucked a beanie off of a nearby head and put it on her own head, but it was probably more rakish than jaunty. The best she could do in a hurry.
“Oh hey Casper, did he mention the zone?”
“Yeah, could you sort it out please?”
Gabrielle sighed, closed her eyes and pressed her fingers to her forehead as if she were deeply exasperated. She wasn’t, but she liked to take every opportunity to hone her dramatic skills, so she would one day be accepted into NIDA and become a famous actor and get to hang out with J-Law and ScarJo, although apparently ScarJo didn’t like that nickname thing. Maybe she wouldn’t hang out with ScarJo, she sounded less fun if she got upset about a nickname. What would her own nickname be when she was a famous actor?
Gabrielle looked up. “Sorry, just super exasperated. Did that come through?”
“Very convincing, mistress.”
“OK, thanks B2000, I’ll take it from here. So, Casper, I wonder if you’ve noticed anything about all the people within this zone.”
“What zone? What are you even talking about?”
Gabrielle sighed and did all that other stuff again. “Even better this time, mistress.”
“I think method acting’s my thing. Oh right, Casper. Well see, there’s a very clearly defined tetrahedron shaped zone bordered by the pool over that side – which is really nice this time of year by the way – and the lawn and the gazebo over there. Like, you can see a kind of line inside which this party is taking place.”
“Yeah OK, I get that part, and I would like very much to be inside that area.”
Gabrielle slid her glasses to the edge of her nose and peered over them. “Casper, Casper, Casper.”
“Condescension, mistress? Quite well done.”
“Thanks, B2000. My only worry is that one’s difficult to pull off without the glasses. Now – oh yes, Casper. Now the thing that is common amongst the people within this area, you see, is that they’re all people whose company I enjoy. You might say they are my friends. And thus, they are permitted within this zone. This zone for friends. You and I, on the other hand, are not friends, and thus you may not enter my friendzone.”
“Oh come on, what do you mean we’re not friends? Why wouldn’t you want to be friends with me?”
“B2000, can you cover this one?”
“Certainly, mistress. Ahem. Human male Casper was romantically involved with-”
“Can skip her details, B2000.”
“Skipping forward. While so entangled, human male Casper initiated courtship rituals with Mistress Gabrielle.”
“What, that’s it? Come on Gabby, she meant nothing to me.”
“She’s my friend. Was. My friend. Now she hates me.”
“See?” Casper smiled. “So there’s no conflict at all.”
Gabrielle was not smiling. “If you don’t leave there’s going to be some conflict involving your face and my fist.”
“Pffft, you probably hit like a girl.”
“That’s a good point, Casper. As indelicately put as it was, you are correct in that the amount of pain I can inflict upon you is completely inadequate as an expression of how angry you just reminded me that I am at you.”
“OK, you’re getting a little bit scary now.”
“B2000, would you be a dear and remove this bum from the area in a painful manner?”
“Mistress, Asimov’s laws of robotics clearly state-”
“You know that he was a fiction writer, right?”
“Recalculating. Affirmative, preparing to engage in hostilities.”
“OK, whatever, your party’s lame anyway,” said Casper, although he said this while running away very fast.
Gabrielle sat down on the ground. “Yeah,” she said. “It actually feels that way at the moment.”
“Would you like me to launch the fireworks from my undercarriage now, mistress? For some reason I have noticed a high level of mirth when I do that.”
“It’s not that. I wish Katie were at my party.”
“Affirmative mistress. Retrieving Katie right away and delivering her to the party.” Rockets fired up under B2000’s undercarriage, and he rose into the air.
“Uh, I didn’t mean for you to-”
“Apologies mistress, I cannot hear you over how awesome my rockets are. Also loud. Mostly the loud part, actually.”
B2000 rocketed away at the speed of narrative and returned in exactly one paragraph with Katie tucked under his arm.
“I said I wasn’t coming to your stupid party, all right Gabby?” said Katie. “Way to have your dumb robot kidnap me.”
“OK,” said Gabrielle, “first point of order, I didn’t tell B2000 to kidnap you, I just said that I wished you were here, and for some reason he used his initiative instead of being overly literal about everything like he usually does on account of being a robot. Second point of order, he’s not dumb, even though he did probably break some kind of robot law by doing that.”
“Mistress Gabrielle informed me the laws were fiction.”
“We’ll talk about that later, B2000. And my third point of order was going to be about how actually my party is not stupid, it is awesome on account of the pool and the wood fired oven that is making delicious as heck pizza, except at the moment I am not enjoying it so much because you are not in it.”
Katie flicked her hair, because it was in her eyes what with her being tucked under the arm of a robot. “I’m still super mad at you for stealing my boyfriend.”
“Correction, human female Katie. While human male Casper attempted to initiate courtship rituals, Mistress Gabrielle responded with violence to his reproductive organs.”
“Ohhh,” said Katie, “no wonder he was walking funny that week. So why would his friends say that he 'totally scored'?”
“I don't know, Katie, why would a guy claim to have done things, sexually, that he actually hadn't?”
“So are we cool?”
“Yeah, as long as your robot puts me down.”
B2000 put Katie down, and the two girls walked towards the party. “You should take a break, B2000,” said Gabrielle. “Come join the party.”
“Affirmative,” said B2000. “If you need me, I’ll be near the music, doing my favourite dance. You know the one.”
It was the Macarena. For some reason, robots love the Macarena.
|# ¿ Apr 20, 2014 16:32|
|# ¿ Apr 23, 2014 06:49|
|# ¿ Jun 17, 2019 13:25|
1131 words and no title screw you.
Luke was attempting to prepare breakfast when Xavier came downstairs and, assessing the situation, said something along the lines of “Whoa what the oh my arggggh!”
“Easy man, it’s me!”
“Dude.” Xavier looked him up and down. “You’re a bear.”
“Why… how are you a bear?”
“I don’t know man. But it’s making it really hard to prepare breakfast.”
“Yeah I can see that, you might have to let me take care of that.”
Xavier picked the packet of cereal up off the floor, along with the bowl. “Do bears eat cereal?”
“I don’t care what bears eat man, I like cereal.”
“Yeah all right.” Once breakfast had been prepared, and one snapped chair later, Luke resigned himself to eating off the floor. Xavier looked at Luke over his toast. “So… guess you might not be going to work today.”
“I’ve got no time off left after my holiday man, I have to.”
“Right, I hear that, but on the other hand you’re a bear.”
“I can still do my job man.”
“You couldn’t open a packet of cereal.”
“Your point is taken, but it’s all meetings today.”
Xavier shrugged. “All right, not gonna tell you how to do your job while you’re a bear. You gonna put some pants on, or what?” Luke looked at him. “I can’t tell what kind of look that’s meant to be, man. I can’t read a bear’s facial expressions.”
“It’s the kind of look that says I don’t think they sell pants that fit me. By the way, we’re gonna have to take my car. Bet I don’t look so stupid for buying the SUV now, huh.”
“Man, this music sucks.” Luke had only just fit. They’d had to fold down the back seats.
“Driver chooses, dude. I usually have to listen to your dad rock.”
“I think the rule should be the person who owns the car chooses.”
“I think the rule should be the person who has opposable thumbs and can work the stereo chooses.”
“Ouch, dude.” Xavier didn’t reply, as he liked to concentrate when he was parking. “Don’t forget to let me out, man.”
Xavier obliged. “You don’t really look like your ID, man.”
“Think I should’ve shaved?”
“I think maybe you should’ve tried not being a bear this morning.”
“I’ll try to remember that for tomorrow. Can you be a buddy and swipe me in?” Xavier did so, and they both entered the lobby and headed towards the elevator.
“You know what,” said Xavier as they entered the elevator, “I’m not sure the manufacturers took bears into consideration when they decided there was a maximum of ten in the elevator at once.”
“We’ll be fine. I can’t be heavier than about two or three office workers.”
He proved correct, and the elevator successfully took them to their floor. The doors opened, and their stood Lisa. “Hi Lisa,” said Xavier.
“Hey Xav,” said Lisa. “No one told me it was bring your pet day.”
“It’s Luke. He’s a bear today.”
“Oh, sorry Luke.”
Luke peeped out from behind Xavier. “Honest mistake, should’ve heard Xavier’s reaction this morning. He was hysterical. Screamed like a little girl.”
Lisa laughed and headed towards her office. “Not cool, dude,” said Xavier. Luke did some kind of weird head and shoulder movement. “Is that supposed to be a shrug?”
“Yeah. Still getting the hang of body movements. Oh no. I just had a thought.”
“I believe the answer is ‘in the woods’.”
“I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to restrain myself until lunch time. Anyway, I’m gonna head to the conference room now so I get a seat.” Xavier raised an eyebrow. “A section of carpet. You know what I meant.”
“Well, good luck.”
“Thanks, I always fall asleep in those things. Oh man, I forgot my coffee.”
“Dunno if bears really do the caffeine thing.” Luke shrugged. “There we go, that one was a bit better.”
“Yeah, I think I’ve mastered shrugging. OK, see you at lunch time.” Luke waddled towards conference room 2A, and Xavier headed to his desk.
“Hey Xav,” said Wendy. “Lisa told me about Luke. Is it true?”
Xavier nodded. “Told him to rethink his vacation.”
“Oh yeah,” said Wendy. “Did he say how it was?”
Xavier shook his head. “Didn’t see him until this morning, he must’ve gotten in late last night. Whoa, there’s the boss, look busy.”
They both looked busy, and Xavier made some progress on his stack of work. After a while, Wendy turned back around. “Listen, I’ve thought about your invite.”
“Oh that, listen no big deal if you can’t make it.”
“Well no, I’d love to, but I was just wondering if I can bring a friend? I mean, you could bring a friend too, we can double.”
“Uh, sure. I mean, ordinarily I’d bring Luke, but I don’t know if he’ll still be a bear.”
“No, that’s fine, he’d be perfect for the friend I’ve got in mind.”
“Because she’s a zoologist?” Wendy had already turned back around and put her headphones in, so Xavier shrugged and got back to his work.
Xavier hadn’t thought to pack lunch, what with the turmoil of Luke being a bear and all, so when Luke got out of his meeting, the two of them wandered over towards the café. “How was the meeting?” asked Xavier.
“Took way longer than it should have,” said Luke. “Some of them were a bit distracted. You’d think they’d never seen a bear before.”
“It’s not that common,” said Xavier. “Maybe some of them haven’t.”
Luke nodded. “Yeah I guess.” The café only had a single door. “Huh, never realised that before.” His shoulders stuck out either side. “Must be an older design.”
“Want me to check out what the specials are?”
“Yeah, no worries. I’ll just chill out here.”
“Hey,” said Xavier as they sat down to eat, “so I’ve got a date with Wendy on Friday.”
“Oh, nice! I’d high five you, but it’d probably break your arm.”
“The thought is appreciated. But anyway, she wanted to bring a friend, so she suggested maybe we double date.” He looked at Luke.
“Well that’s still cool I guess, but – wait, you mean me?” Xavier nodded. “Fine, I guess I’m not doing anything Friday.”
“Thanks man, I owe you one.”
“Wait, what if I’m still a bear?”
“Oh, that’s fine,” said Xavier, avoiding his gaze. “She said that would be perfect anyway.”
“That’d be…? Oh man, that’s just too weird. You are gonna owe me like five or six.”
Xavier shrugged. “I figure I’ll probably accumulate some credit for the duration of you being terrible at everything and needing my hands.”
Luke shook his head. “Doesn’t even compare.”
Xavier nodded. “Thanks buddy.”
|# ¿ Apr 27, 2014 14:49|