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Feb 3, 2011

I'm down for this.


Feb 3, 2011

oh poo poo

Feb 3, 2011

אוֹפַנִּים (or, Throne) 1195 words

Michael sounded shitfaced when he called me up. I had a pretty good buzz on myself, but the difference between us was probably a six-pack or two.
He said “Hey, listen man, I need to come up here” and then breathed into the phone like a creepy motherfucker. Sounded like he'd been running.
“Not today man, I'm already a six-pack in and I'm too lazy to get out of the house. What's up?” I would really have liked to avoid whatever crazy new poo poo Michael was about to rain down on me.
“Just come up here man. It'll only take a minute.”
“What's going on?”
A pause.
“I uh...I saw this deer. In the woods.”
“Right. So?”
“Well I uh...I wasn't really out hunting, but I did have the shotgun with me and it was so loving close, I figured I'd bag me a deer, ya know?”
I waited for him to finish the story because otherwise we'd be on the phone all day.
“And well ah...the loving deer spoke to me.”
“What's that?”
“The deer turned its head to me and loving talked.”
I laughed.
“What did the deer say?”
“I don't want to talk about that.”
Something cold had crept into his voice. Fear.
“How much did you have to drink before this impromptu hunting trip, Michael?”
“A lot less than it'd take for me to think a deer was talking to me.”
There was no getting out of it now.
“Hold tight, I'll be up there in twenty.”

I grabbed a couple of six packs and got into the Cadi. The road up to the cabin was a clusterfuck, especially driving this piece of poo poo, but it was the only transportation I had. I popped a tape into the deck and drove.


Michael lived in a cabin in the woods like a redneck, but he was actually from LA. Had an iPhone and a MacBook and everything, but dressed like a lumberjack and drove a lovely pickup truck he bought for a couple of grand a few years back. I'd call him a hipster but he was too committed. Hipsters don't poo poo in outhouses.

I parked behind his truck and got out. Michael sat on the porch, shotgun in one hand, Jack Daniels in the other. He looked like poo poo.
I slammed the car door.

“Well, here I am! Where's the loving deer at?”
He didn't laugh, so I walked up the porch steps. He looked at me, his eyes a bit too wide and crazy-looking.
“We have to go look for it man. It's out there somewhere.”
He gestured with his hand in the general direction of the woods.
“It's getting dark.”
He nodded.
“We should hurry,” he said and stood up.
“Look man, I don't know about this—”
“I'm never going to be able to sleep again if I don't find that loving deer.”
“Are you sure it actually spoke to you? Maybe you had a seizure or something. Hallucination.”
“I'm loving telling you man, the thing turned its head and talked to me like we was in line at McDonalds or something.”
There really wasn't much to say. I grabbed a six-pack from the car and followed him into the woods.


“It was right about here.”
He pointed towards a flat expanse of rock where water had collected from the previous night's downpour. He lifted his shotgun and aimed.
“I had him right...there.” He exhaled the last word. “Then it ran off into the brush.”
I didn't really know anything about hunting. How the gently caress were we going to find it?
“Follow me.”

I walked behind him. It was getting dark and Michael's nervousness had started affecting me. The woods creeped me out at night.
We walked deeper into the forest. We found the dead deer a minute later. The carcass was spread out all over the clearing in chunks of flesh and body parts. The head, was lying on a small tower of rocks.

“What the gently caress.”

It looked like a ritualistic murder and now I was really regretting following Michael here. He was my buddy and all, but something seriously hosed up was happening and my Sunday would have been better spent sitting at home watching TV.
Michael stepped into a puddle of blood and approached the deer head. He prodded it with the shotgun and it toppled over.

“Looks like someone got to it first,” he said.
“No poo poo.”
The carcass seemed to have broken the spell. Michael looked around the clearing and then up to the sky, seemingly himself again.
“We should have taken a flashlight with us, it's going to be a bitch to get back in this darkness.”
I nodded.

I turned around to start the long walk home, when the screaming started. I'm not sure if animals can scream, but this sounded like pretty much every single one of them had started to wail. I’d never heard anything like it in my life.

We froze up. I wanted to start running, but managed to hold it together. The sound was deafening and my eardrums pulsed. Before I could say anything, Michael took off towards the sound, leaving me alone in the dark. I ran after him.

It only took a minute to reach the hilltop. We found animal carcasses along the way. Foxes, rabbits, owls, even a wolf. The trees on the hill were wiped out, burned to ashes. The earth was blackened in a radius of maybe half a mile. The animals weren't burned, just dead.
At the top of the hill was a great wheel made of fire and eyes watching us. It lit up the sky, turning night into day. We got closer, dropping the shotgun and six-pack of beers. I was no longer in control and the world no longer made any sense.

We stood and watched as it spun, a wheel within a wheel, covered in eyes that never blinked and all of them staring at us. It felt like what I imagined being judged by God would feel. It felt like someone was shifting through the flour to find the worms that infested it, the sins in my heart.
It spoke and the words were both booming and completely silent.

“Κύριος ὡς πῦρ ἥξει καὶ ὡς καταιγὶς τὰ ἅρματα αὐτοῦ ἀποδοῦναι ἐν θυμῷ ἐκδίκησιν αὐτοῦ καὶ ἀποσκορακισμὸν αὐτοῦ ἐν φλογὶ πυρός.”
“What did it say?” I whispered. I’m not sure why I was asking him, but as far as I was concerned, he was now an expert by virtue of seeing weird poo poo an hour ahead of me.
“It’s scripture,” he said. “the Lord will come in fire And His chariots like the whirlwind, To render His anger with fury.”
“I nodded as if that made perfect sense.
“I have to tell you what it said to me before.”
“Tell me.”

Michael managed to pull his eyes away from the wheel of fire long enough for him to look at me.

“It told me to kill everyone I love and then blow my brains out, because God is dead and the end is here and what happens next, you don’t want to see.”

Feb 3, 2011

Well, at least I wasn't last!

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