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Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES

ZeBourgeoisie posted:

This week I'm gonna actually try so I can keep Zoditar. Hell, maybe I'll win or HM one of these weeks. One of these weeks.

Edit: Anybody want a line-by-line? It'll be my first but maybe reading something in-depth will get me in the right state of mind. Can be a story from any week.
Would you mind doing mine?. Thanks.

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Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES
Hit me, GrizzledPatriarch.

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES
Hey everybody! So, I love brawls. A lot. A little bit too much. So instead of making GBS threads the thread with asking, I'm gonna take it into a different direction.

:siren:To my former lostertar brothers and sisters, I am putting a bounty on myself! Win a brawl agianst me, win a new avatar! One brawl at a time, only if I accept, no refunds OPEN TO LOSERTARS ONLY. If you're down, post with the words "Benny Bounty Brawl" in bold.:siren:

Sittinghere, mind putting this in the OP?

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES

crabrock posted:

I just treat people badly to address my issues of inadequacy, so if SH u could please put "shut the gently caress up, Benny" into the OP too that'd be great.
I love you too, Crabrock ;-*

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES

Fuschia tude posted:

OK Ben, let's
I accept!

Edit: :toxx:

Benny the Snake fucked around with this message at 00:27 on Dec 14, 2014

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES
Last Call

1184 words

(Prompt: A guy finds a wallet)

I'm in the parking lot of the Rodeo Bar and Grill when I see a wallet on the ground. "Hey buddy, is this yours?" I ask the guy in front of me.

He turns around and I stop. He looks exactly like me--he even has the same scar on his face. "Uh-"

"No, it's yours," he says. Even his voice sounds like mine. I look into my wallet and the driver's license says it's me. "You know who I am, Drew," the other guy says. "Just like I know how when you were eight you scarred yourself with Dad's straight razor.

"How the gently caress do you-"

"Last call, Drew," he said and turned around. I looked down at the wallet. "What do you mean-"

He was gone. I looked around and I couldn't find him-me-whoever the gently caress. I shake my head and step inside the Rodeo. Everybody's staring at me as I make my way to the counter. Jessie's tending, thank God. "Hey Jess-"

"What the gently caress are you doing here?" She asks coldly

"Jess, what's-"

"Get the gently caress out."

"Jess-" Somebody grabs me and throws me out of the bar. I've been going here for years, I know everybody there, why the gently caress would they throw me out? I reach into my pocket for my keys and they're not there. I don't even have my cell phone, all I have is my wallet. Did that guy from earlier rob me? gently caress it, my apartment isn't that far from the bar, I can walk.

***

Something's wrong. I don't have an apartment anymore and I can't call Sam. I walk down to my Dad's house down the street. I knock and he opens. "What are you doing here?" he asks.

"Dad, it's me."

"I know exactly who you are," he says and closes the door. I throw my hand against it. "Dad, what's going on?" I ask.

He looks at me disgustedly. "You know, I keep asking myself that question every time I so much as hear your name. I don't have time for this," he says and tries to close the door again . I jam my foot in the way.

"Dad look," I pry the door open. "I seriously have no idea what's going on. I don't have a car or an apartment anymore and I don't know where Sam is. Please..."

He finally lets me in. Looking on the wall, I see something else wrong. Mom and Dad kept all kinds of pictures of me and the family on the wall. Every last picture with me in it is gone, the wall's almost bare. "You're not drunk again, are you?" he asks.

"I have never been more sober. Please, tell me what's going on."

He stares at me for a minute and shakes his head. "You got in an accident a few years back. Rolled over three times, almost died."

"What?"

"You swerved into another car and ended up killing a mother and her kids," he says while rubbing his face with his calloused hands. "You spent months in the hospital. We all know you were drunk, but your lawyer got you off on some bullshit technicality."

"This-this isn't possible-"

"See for yourself, then," he says and jerks his head towards the restroom. I go inside and take off my jacket and shirt. Looking in the mirror, I see two neat little scars on my body--one across my chest and the other along my belly. It's true, then--I hosed up, I hosed up royally. I look to the side and I see Dad's straight razor. After checking to see if it's sharp, Im stick it in my back pocket and put my clothes back on.

"I'm only asking once," I tell Dad as I walk back into the living room. "Where's Sam?"

"I'm not telling you," he says, not even looking me in the eye. I lunge and grab him. "Tell me where the gently caress Sam is!"

Dad grabs me back and slams me against the wall "Listen you little poo poo," he snarls. "I brought you into this world and so help me God, I'll take you out of it!"

I struggle a bit and smash his foot. He lets go and I grab the razor, flick it open, and hold the blade against his neck. "You were saying, huh Dad? "

"Andrew, please..."

"See Dad, this is all a bad dream to me, so I could kill you and nothing would happen. So I'll ask again," I say and cut into his throat. "Where. The. gently caress. Is. Sam?"

"Corner house of Wash and 5th," he gasps. I let him go. He drops to the floor and holds his throat. I grab his keys and walk out.

***

After I park across the street from Sam's house, I go up to the door and knock. "Coming," I hear a familiar voice. The door opens.

"Sam..."

"What the gently caress do you want?" she spits at me.

"Sam, baby-"

"Don't 'baby' me, you gently caress," she says. "I told you I never want to see you again,"

"Sam, listen to me," I beg. "Something's happened and I don't know what's going on. I need you."

"Sam?" another voice calls out. "What's going on?"

That voice belongs to a guy about my height but much bigger than me. "You," he says. "I thought I told you to stay the gently caress away."

"Stay the gently caress out of it," I say and get in his face. "This is between me and Sam."

He swings at me and hits me in the jaw. I jump up on him and we scuffle. "Mark!" I hear Sam screaming. The moment he looks back, I sucker punch him, whip my Dad's razor out, and slash him across the face.

"Mark!" Sam shrieks and rushes over. Blood sprays all over my shirt and jacket. Mark is on the ground, holding his face, his hands full of blood. I laugh. I laugh and cry like a maniac. This isn't happening. This can't be happening. I dive back into Dad's pickup and peel off.

***

I swerve into the parking lot of the Rodeo, jump out of Dad's pickup, and run towards the bar. "Drew!" I scream at the top of my lungs. "I take it back! I want it back," I collapse in front of the entrance, crying my eyes out. "I want my life back. Please, give it back. Please..."

"Drew? Honey?"

I look up and see Jessie at the entrance. "Jessie?"

"Drew, what's wrong with you?"

"Jessie, you know who I am, right?"

"What kind of question is that?" she asks me. "Drew, you're scaring me. You're scaring everybody."

I look into my pockets. I find my keys and phone. "Everything's fine, now."

"Ooookay," she says. "You coming in?"

I shake my head. "I need to get things sorted out."

She smiles. "Allright, hon. See you around, then."

I nod and and call Sam, praying to God she answers.

"Hello?"

"Sam," I say. "Thank God you're there."

"Drew, what's going on?"

"I have some news," I tell her and leave the bar behind, never looking back.

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES

J.A.B.C. posted:

Welp, that's my signal to take a break. I'm not getting better by throwing myself at every prompt.

Happy Holidays, everyone! Now, to cry alone into my drink and hope the emotional scars heal.
Merry Christmas, dude. Oh and congrats T-Rex. Thanks for the irc advice, too.

EDIT: Get well soon, Bluesquares. And Merry Christmas to you, too!

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES
Hey Phobia do you know what you want your new avatar to be yet?

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES
In, "Dead Beat" by Jim Butcher

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES
All Soul's Day
Inspired by Jim Butcher's "Dead Beat"
(1162 words)

It was about fifteen minutes 'till November First, and I was crouching in a bush in the middle of the Foothills. Looking through my binoculars, I saw a young girl on top of a flat rock, her arms and legs bound with zip ties and her eyes and mouth covered in duct tape. Standing over her was the reprobate who kidnapped her--he was waving a skull-topped cane, chanting some unintelligible gibberish, and his face was painted to resemble a Dia de los Muertos skull. When the Millers came to me about their missing daughter Katie, they did so with the understanding that I handle supernatural cases. I was initially going to assure them that there was nothing supernatural about their daughter's disappearance, but there were a few key details that convinced me otherwise. Like how according to her friend and the only witness, they were playing with a talking crow on their way to school. Or how when he turned around, Katie was gone and there was nothing but a handful of black feathers. Or how the day of her disappearance was three days away from All Soul's Day. We all know what Ian Fleming said about things coming in threes, and who am I to argue with the man who created James Bond?

After charging them double my usual rate and getting a day's pay in advance, I spent the next day investigating. That night, I tracked Katie and her abductor out in the foothills north of LA. Her abductor was one Malcolm Morales, and this upstanding citizen got to calling himself "Scarecrow" since he could supernaturally control crows. Not content with his own personal murder, he decided to break into necromancy by sacrificing an innocent soul in exchange for terrible power. And it had to be done at exactly midnight on November 1st, All Soul's Day, when the realm of the dead has its highest influence over the realm of the living. This kind of stuff is need-to-know when you're me, Rosa Flores, LA's premiere paranormal investigator and magical practitioner at-large.

What I particularly remember was how his murder framed the particularly macabre tableau in front of me--Katie was lying down on a large, flat rock which served as a makeshift altar, complete with multi-pointed star was painted on it and lit candles placed exactly on the points. Before making my approach, I needed to secure my current position, especially from those feathered pricks of his. To do this, I'd need to cast a spell.

Most practitioners use some sort of tool to focus their arcane powers when spell-slinging--wands, rods, staffs, etc. Mine are pair of rings, left to control the wind, right to control electricity. Still looking into the binoculars, I reached out with my left hand and beckoned towards me, exerting my will on the wind to blow in my direction. Unfortunately I overdid it and instead of a slight breeze I got a small gust which caused the candles to flicker. Malcolm got spooked and sent his murder out to investigate. I was hosed-- if I stayed put, I'd be overwhelmed by crows and expose myself. There was no hiding, not when I was in the middle of the brush. Crows are smart little fucks, too--they'd spot me in a minute.

I put my binoculars away and sprinted towards him. I was a good fifty yards away and it was almost 60 degrees outside. I was wearing a jacket, so all that running made me sweat. The murder got a lock on my scent and descended upon me like a cawing, malevolent cloud of feathers, beaks, and talons. Before they could reach me, I lifted my left index finger in the air and whipped it in a circle, creating a small whirlwind which scattered them. I heard Malcolm snarl in frustration and when I looked, he pointed his cane at me and fired an arcane blast at me. I snapped to the left and narrowly dodged the blast which landed on the ground next to me and exploded like a tank shell, kicking up dirt and leaving a smoking crater where I was only a second ago. Before he could muster up another blast, I snapped my fingers on my left hand and pointed under him, causing a small gust to kick up the dirt in front of him. Malcolm was coughing and choking and couldn't do a drat thing about it. I drew my weapon of choice from my jacket, a collapsible baton, and whipped it open. Once I closed the distance, I charged the baton with just enough electricity and slammed it against the side of his head. The combination of shock and force sent him sprawling against the ground, blood spraying in the wind and screams of pain filling the air. I immediately made a beeline towards little Katie and tore the duct tape off her face. I asked if she was okay, but the poor girl screamed and her eyes went bug-eyed. I forgot about the crows, drat it.

The murder regrouped and swarmed me, pecking at my face and clawing at my eyes. I was falling like a little girl as they tore into my cheek and let me tell you, it loving hurts. It's always the softest flesh that hurts the most--I have this ugly bandage on my face and it’s still sore. Somebody smacked me in the back of the head and I fell to the ground. Left a nice sized goose egg right there. Malcolm had his boot against my throat, so couldn't cast a single spell or even hit him with my baton He twisted the skull-top of his cane and unsheathed a long blade out from it. He drew the blade back and was ready to strike when I looked up and laughed. The moon was directly over us. Time was up for that motherfucker.

Now, let me take a moment to stress the difference between a spell and a ritual. Unlike a spell which, like a gun, you can fire off 'till you've run out, a ritual is like a complicated machine--if so much as the most minute detail is wrong, the whole thing will blow up in your face. The earth opened behind skull-boy and from within it sounded the unholy screaming of the damned. Decaying arms shot out and grabbed him by the legs. Malcolm screamed his pleas to the wind as the dead dragged him below. Standing on the other side of the divide was a man wearing a frilled suit with coattails, leaning casually to the side of his cane, his ensemble complete with a bowler hat worn at a jaunty angle on his head. I couldn't see his face in the shadows but I knew who he was. He tipped his hat at me and jumped into the gorge as it suddenly closed.

And that's the story of how I got that sword-cane hanging over the doorway in my office.

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES

Phobia posted:

Welp, my internet died. I'll try to get the story up tomorrow, but if I can't I'll save it for a redemption and eat the :toxx:. Benny, you think you can hook a brother up once I get back?
Of course, bro

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES
Thunderdome 2015: This is a No-Benny Zone

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES

Jitzu_the_Monk posted:

I'm against battling to avoid the losertar. I concede to Benny. Hit me with it.
You sure?

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES
Jitzu, I owe you one.

Oh and T-Rex: you literally chose me as the loser just because I so much as named my protagonist "Rosa Flores?" gently caress you and the horse you rode on, you petty, petulant little poo poo.

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES

Your Sledgehammer posted:

No, he also chose you as loser because your writing is a mess. Take your loss, learn from it, make your writing better.
I will then. I won't be using you-know-who for a long time, anyway. Thanks for the crit, Sledgehammer.

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES

Jitzu_the_Monk posted:

Jitzu removes his white glove. He dangles it in Your Sledgehammer's face. "Sir, you cast aspersions on my honor. I DEMAND SATISFACTION." He swings the glove; it's white lace grazes Your Sledgehammer's cheek. "Settle your affairs and draw your will. It shall be pistols at high noon."
Kick his rear end, Jitzu.

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES
Merry Christmas, 'Domers. Peace on Earth and Goodwill to you all.

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES

J.A.B.C. posted:

I have a question for the thread: Does anyone know where I can go to pay someone money to make an avatar?

I have a contest idea coming up, but I need someone who can make an avatar I can give to the loser.
Uh, J.A.B.C, are you planning something?

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES
Something I've been wanting to say for a while, and now that the kayfaybe rule is disbanded, I can finally get it off my chest.

I'm fully aware that in recent months, through my continuous participation in the 'dome, I've been getting more aggressive and more irritating to certain persons. I'd just like to say that I'm sorry and that I'm fully aware of my conduct and attitude here and elsewhere. I'm not some kind of egotistical jerk, or at least I try not to be. I'm just a bad writer who often times gets an ego and figures out that I've messed up before it's too late.

Fuscia_Tide, I'm still down for the Bennybrawl. RepTaco, you know what to do.

EDIT: Also, one free Bennycrit, first come first serve.

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES
I personally think there oughta be a quid pro quo rule for in-depth crit requests.

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Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES






Did I forget anybody?

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