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  • Locked thread
iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here




Much like the massive stroke that will one day kill me whilst watching a Tigers game, the new NRL season is shortly going to bring blessed relief from the standard off-season's hilarious illegal antics. We've actually had a pretty quiet one so far - nobody has beaten their spouse, no animals have been molested, and only one person has gone to gaol (God bless you, Russell Packer). I really should add a follow up to each of those saying "so far" (or possibly, "that we know of"), but I'm going to be optimistic and say our incredible run will continue. Being rugby league players, however, I assume that someone will gently caress it up during the season launch event and start chasing a sponsor's kid around in a golf-buggy whilst making GBS threads on the ballroom floor. My bad, I shouldn't have jinxed us.

It's really sad that all of the things I mentioned in the previous paragraph have actually happened. This sport and its players are functionally retarded sometimes all the time.

Rugby League.

Since I've done such a good job arousing interest in you that you've stuck around to this point I might as well give you a bit of a rundown on why we all watch this sport (rather than just reading the arrest reports on the front page). League is a spin-off game from the older Rugby Union, which we all agree is boring and unwatchable now that Australia never wins any more. Only three countries play this sport at any real level of quality, so there's a good chance of us getting on the podium if anyone was stupid enough to make this an Olympic sport. Just think about that for a minute. No longer would the pissing in public and animal eroticism be confined merely to two and a half cities in low-population backwater - there'd be wife-beaters and cheergirl-rapists from all around the world to "admire"!It would be like some depraved Caligulean epic, except with worse uniforms and emptier stadiums. Anyway, back to the point. When the players stop driving drunk for a minute and stop peeing on the field we get an exciting and fast-paced sport that combines the physicality of gridiron with the fluid skills of handball. It also has a bunch of big guys who get into handbag-fights and the occasional epic tackle that we'll all admire before the media tut-tuts and we lose another to the ambiguously defined "dangerous tackle" black hole.


The standard uniform and training ground for most of the players

RULES OF THE GAME
Since I suspect my gibberish hasn't been particularly enlightening so far, here's my patented cursury rundown of the rules, scoring and other boring errata that you'll skip past before getting to the bit where I insult all the teams that I don't like. First off, enjoy some of our favourite videos.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEQmVy0ASYA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyPn6R_lE3E
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWEWi0kBI4o

How good is it watching Braith get punched in the face. I could watch it all day. Matter of fact, I think I'll watch it again. God that felt good. Very cathartic for having to have the smug fuckwit on my team. Sorry about that, went a bit off topic. Anyway, this is the stock photo of a field I like to use; for the real one, please mentally superimpose a few dozen ads since there's generally more coloured ink on the grass than its natural colour nowadays. Much like the players, I guess. Kids nowadays...:



You run one way and then switch over at half time, and hopefully everyone in your team stays between the sidelines for the majority of the game. If you play for the Tigers, you'll generally be throwing the ball over those lines, but everyone else normally keeps the ball inside them and in play. Please refer to the Wikipedia article or something else because I'm far too drunkbusy at work to bother with typing reams of useless waffle when I could be insulting teams/players I don’t like and drinking heavilytaking a coffee break to drink heavily when I remember the ones I theoretically support.


To score points:

TRY



The only ray of light in the unrelenting shower of poo poo that was the Tigers' season.

The thing that seperates League from Union. Worth 4 points, and generally the most exciting scoring play in the game. I'm not counting field goals in that equation since although when they're actually scored they're impressive we normally have to put up with 500 poo poo attempts first. To score a try, you need to apply downward pressure to the ball in the endzone. You don't need to actually have control of the ball, so long as you touch it as it touches the ground. This will ignite massive debate amongst everyone who doesn't support the scorer since they'll claim he just dropped it, although they'll conveniently forget that when their team's winger does the same thing 5 minutes later.


CONVERSION


If anyone else in the Titans except the wingers could score you'd have an easier kick, mate!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pd7mEq7a6ec
We don't need your stinking "physics" here.

Since we can never get enough individuals scoring (except with prostitutes, wherein your better behaved teams will share) you get to have a kick at goal after getting a try. It happens from where you scored it, except you can take the ball back as far as you’d like so that you don’t need to break the laws of physics to do so. You only get 2 for doing this, but in the amazingly rare (although actually becoming more common) case of a Penalty Try you get to take a second shot at the goal in compensation for your player being toothless and concussed.

PENALTY GOAL



If something illegal happened elsewhere in play the refs might decide to give you a penalty goal, which is a shot at goal where the offence happened. They may also just do nothing if you were unlucky enough to be playing a game that drew a ref with painted-on eyes rather than the slightly more up-to-date models. These are also worth 2 points.

FIELD GOALS


gently caress you, you stupid smug poo poo.

gently caress Golden Point. As I alluded to earlier, this play should be the most exciting thing relating to league without the words "NOT GUILTY" being announced to a large room, but because of this useless tacked-on 10 minutes we end up hating everyone who attempts one. All you have to do is drop-kick the ball through the posts, and you get one point for your efforts. Simple, no? Normally it's not, since you only ever try doing it when there's no time on the clock and the scores are level (except if you're Chris Sandow and there's 10 minutes to go before you get beaten by 11 points). As a result, you get a bunch of muppets without any talent taking their procession of pathetic efforts, all of which serve to make me want to murder somebody. This gets amped up in extra time since it's first-point-wins, so even more mouthbreathers give it a shot. How wonderful.

DETAILED EXPLANATION OF THE RULES

I really can't believe anyone would actually think I'd write anything in this section. I'll give you a breakdown of how my team plays, as a microcosm of the game in general. Receive the ball somehow. Throw it around randomly, go back 10 metres and then drop the ball without attempting to get it back. Watch the other team score a try. Repeat until my scotch bottle is empty. For how the rest of the teams play, please look at wikipedia since it gives you the real rules and poo poo.


POSITIONS

Once upon a time the positions the players lined up for meant something. The numbers on their backs would give you a good shorthand for what their roles and general talents would be and you could know that the low numbers would be the little tiny speedsters and the big numbers would be the fat meatheads who were used as battering rams. Sometime in the last decade the corporate wankery of multiskilling has crept in and now everyone has ability in different areas and it's not unusual to see a big hulking guy sprinting away wearing a number 3 and then fending off a tall, lithe 12. I guess it's led to more exciting football since now everyone can run, tackle and generally control the ball well enough to get passes off. Except for George Rose, of course, but every sport needs a 130kg fat man to look angrily at people and then get sent off. There are still some stereotypes, of course, so here's the general list so you can get up to speed with what we're saying <PLAYER X> is doing wrong (in this sentence, PLAYER X is anyone from the Eels or Tigers).

BACKS

Fullback (number 1)

The little guy at the back. He needs to be fast, able to play in the attacking line as well as stop runaway players, and probably will need to slot in at other places in the halves and outside backs at some points of the year. The mix between the goalkeeper and the striker, if you will. Most of them are portable speedbumps but every so often one pulls off a decent tackle and the entire commentary team will fellate them for the rest of the game.

Winger (numbers 2, 5)

The guys closest to the sideline, which allows them to pose for a lot of photos with kids and solicit phone numbers from desperate female fans who won’t respect themselves in the morning. In the last few years these guys have been getting better and better at defying gravity to score in the corner, and I'm pretty sure at the current rate of improvement someone will have learnt to levitate in the next 2-3 years. In general these guys are tall, thin and freakishly fast, so one wonders how Mat Utai ever got to this level considering he’s a hobbit who in the last 12 months forgot how to run.

Centre (numbers 3,4)

The next guys in the line tend to be a bit bigger, a bit stronger and a bit less fast (mentally and physically). Unlike the men outside them they can generally tackle, and have a lot more strength in breaking the line. The new mold for the position is Greg Inglis, who is some sort of genetic freak who has no right to be as big, fast or talented. It gets even worse if he's at fullback. Fear Inglis. A very key position as they are the difference between your wingers ever touching the ball or just watching it sail happily into row Z.

Five-Eighth (number 6)

The second most important person on your team. He is the one who helps run almost every play, does a lot of the kicking and takes pressure off the halfback. This is a position of considerable angst at the Tigers, who had a very good one who deteriorated for a while whilst showing glimpses of his best form before jetting off to NZ to play rugby. Never mind, I'm sure the 18 year old kid we put in his place will be just as good. :suicide:

Halfback (number 7)

The most important guy on the field, unless your team has Chris Sandow in it. He's the one running the show, controlling everything, and in the case of teams that aren't Parramatta setting up all the points. You really want to have a good one, so most of the teams are right hosed.

FORWARDS

Prop (numbers 8, 10)

The biggest, meanest and stupidest players on the park. Thankfully they can’t read this so I’m safe for now. These guys do the grunt work, moving the ball up the park and making the majority of tackles and hitups. They get rotated throughout the game as unlike the backs they actually work hard. If they’re not Todd Payten they’re probably bumbling fucktards so don’t rely on them to actually do anything complicated.

Hooker (number 9)

The defacto third playmaker in most teams. Whilst in the past this was just another gritty forward position, in the last 20 years it has become quite a useful place to have a third playmaker. Players such as Elias, Smith and Farah have shown the value of a good brain and talented hands here, and they frequently get to be the captain as well. They're very hard-working and generally aren't paid fairly for their night's work, but at least unlike the other people in the lives of footballers that this applies to they are able to punch back.

2nd Row (numbers 11, 12)

Props who are a bit smaller and a little more fit/talented. That’s about it, really.

Lock (number 13)

Generally a player who if he were slightly smaller could be a five-eighth. Sometimes players will switch between these two positions in a game/season. You need to be OK with the ball and have a decent footballing brain, or just be Greg Bird and be prepared to be a whiny poo poo with a horrible pedo moustache who punches people whenever he gets a chance. Either way, really.

SUBS

You get 4 other meatheads who you can sub into the game when you feel like it. Normally you’d take 3 forwards and 1 back, but other combinations are occasionally tried with hilarious effects.

THE NRL


I refuse to accept the new logo exists.

Whether you call the NRL the best league in the world or merely a feeder league for the English Superleague pretty much comes down to whether you live in Australia or you're a loving moron. The premier competition for the sport, it's a fiercely competitive and professional league that only occasionally needs to deregister players for being thrown in gaol. Unlike the retirement home that is the Superleague you'll see players in the prime of their careers, with exciting action in every game that doesn't have Parramatta playing. As a result of the salary cap being tightly enforced (hahahahahahaaahahahahahahah no rly) there's a good balance between the sides that means that everyone has a chance of winning (except, again, Parramatta). This keeps it fresh since unlike the EPL lots of random teams have won the thing - hell, the Panthers and the Tigers have both won it, so it's obviously a random crapshoot. Here's the list of teams participating this year, and some general facts so you know which ones are cunts (HINT: IT'S SYDNEY).


CLUBS

BRISBANE BRONCOS



Supporters: BlackShadow, BCR, GrunZicle, ili, Dirty Frank, Akileese

A fairly good club that since their relatively recent creation has been extremely successful. Back in the day before Melbourne existed there was a lot of hatred between them and the southern teams since Queenslanders have a massive chip on their shoulders because everyone (rightfully) thinks they're a bunch of hicks, but that's mellowed now and we can all appreciate their achievements (except when they win because gently caress BCR and your stupid loving :horse: poo poo). They didn't have a great year last year, but have bought pretty well and gotten rid of Scott Prince and Peter Wallace so should do a lot better this year.

You should support them if: You love telling people to kiss your rings and then glass them for any imagined slight.

Last year / predicted finish: 12th / 9th

CANTERBURY-BANKSTOWN BULLDOGS




Supporters: Dumpstar, Hyperriker, 50% Of FlickingFire (the indecisive parts), Gobbledock

A decent year, before they collapsed in the first week of the finals and were thrashed by the Knights of all teams. Usually a pretty solid, successful team, who've subtley changed from a more gritty style to one with a lot more spectacular play and long range tries. Of course, they sent the main culprit for that up to Brisbane for spurious family reasons so I'm not sure how much of that will continue, but I'm optimistic they'll keep the level of play up to make their games worth watching (doubly so if someone punches Ennis in the face).

You should support them if: You're, um, ethnic and like to glass people for any imagined slight about it.

Last year / predicted finish: 6th / 7th

CANBERRA RAIDERS




Supporters: Burn Down Canberra (you poor bastard), aejix

Last year I wrote that the Raiders had, like the bipolar drunks they are, swung back from being abysmal to being excellent, and that I hoped they'd keep that level of play up. Obviously I was being extremely optimistic, since they crashed back down to the cellar amidst their now annual player exodus for legal/ethical/sanitary reasons. I guess that means this year they should be back on the way up, but we'll see how that goes. They cut a shitload of deadweight and have bought a few good young players so this should be a good thing, but they're coached by Ricky "Honarary oval office" Stuart so this could just be a mirage and they'll be propping up the ladder. Either way, going to their games is a trip to a deserted, frozen wasteland so I'd only suggest supporting them if you've got serious mental issues (but in that case there are plenty of better teams to support that are still good for insane people).

You should support them if: You recently got fired for being drunk/on drugs/DUI/glassing someone and you want to glass someone about it.

Last year / predicted finish: 13th / 2nd or 14th, who loving knows

CRONULLA SHARKS




Supporters: Lacklustre Hero, Big Steveo

What a difference a year makes. Apparently buying every good Tigers player wasn't enough to overcome the fact that they've been "allegedly" doping all their players and giving them as many chemicals as they could physically fit in a syringe. That hasn't stopped them from going back to the well and getting even more Tigers players in the offseason, and I guess they did pretty well to get to the second round of the finals (even though they needed the refs to literally cheat for them to do so). Assuming the lawsuits don't kick in and fire half the club they should be about as successful this year, although in the past they have had the occasional disastorous season for no reason so there could be some hilarity involved.

You should support them if: You love recreational performance enhancing substances and then roiding out and glassing people.

Last year / predicted finish: 5th / 5th

GOLD COAST TITANS



Supporters: oystertoadfish, Redeye Flight, Sojobo, Byolante

So near but yet so far, much like the Gold Coast in relation to Brisbane and being a real city instead of an overgrown tourist town that thinks it's LA or something. They almost snuck into the finals before putting in some pathetic performances late in the year that smacked of being too focused on picking up Schoolies and not on the ball. They've had a middling off season and as per normal they're never reported on down here so I have no idea if they're training well, so I'm going to assume they're basically the same as last year. They were hilariously shown to be a one-man team that did well up to the point where Idris got injured and then got pumped by Newcastle immediately afterwards. They play pretty nice football when it's going well so that kind of makes up for the fact that they can't defend.

LATE BREAKING NEWS Idris has just been granted a release to go to the Panthers, effective immediately. In related news, the Titans are hosed.

You should support them if: You never quite grew out of Schoolies, possibly because someone glassed you.

Last year / predicted finish: 9th / 10th14th

MANLY-WARRINGAH SEA EAGLES



Supporters: The Deadly Hume, Crawfoot, Fanatic

gently caress you, Sea Eagles. You're a bunch of cunts, and we all hate you. We hate the Roosters more, however, so we actually cheered for you in the Grand Final. What did you do? YOU LET THE BIGGER CUNTS WIN. That is not allowed to happen again. A perenially successful team with a reputation for being Silvertails and an arrogant swagger about it, they're normally around the top and are a danger to play. They have great attacking strike weapons and finally got rid of Brent Kite and George Rose in the offseason so they should be even more mobile this season, which doesn't bode well for the rest of the competition. Possibly our best hope for averting the Cuntageddon should the Roosters do well again.

You should support them if: You inherited a lot of daddy's money and feel the need to glass people with Veuve bottles.

Last year / predicted finish: 4th / 2nd

MELBOURNE STORM




Supporters: piss explosion, Franko, I Love Sanchize

It's always a good year when I don't have to write the word Champions near their name. An extremely successful franchise (God I hate that word) with heaps of trophies (except they lost nearly all of them because they'd been systematically cheating on an epic scale for years). Now they have a massive chip on their shoulders that anyone dares to point out the fact that their current incredible lineup is somewhat built upon their previous ignomities. They have most of the important Queensland/Australian playmakers in their squad and are always a difficult team, but they hilariously lost to Newcastle in the second round of the finals last year which was received with much mirth to everyone here. I expect them to react to this loss with another premiership, and that's a sad fact indeed.

You should support them if: You have a large collection of glass trophies and don't mind smashing them into people's faces occasionally to remind them of it.

Last year / predicted finish: 3rd / 1st

NEWCASTLE KNIGHTS




Supporters: bowmore, Mackay, fuckpot, LuckySevens

The Bennett-patented method of transplanting successful teams took hold last year and lifted this midtable team to a deep finals run before they collapsed against the eventual champions. Although they have bought alright in the offseason (and then had one recruit get thrown in gaol) I'm not sure if they can continue this run, but if anyone can spur a team to success it's their coach so they're in a decent spot. This, of course, is assuming nobody else gets arrested for any of the many drug rumours floating around the club, but let's be optimistic and hope that it's some other team's turn to be the darling of the legal system.

You should support them if: You're not sure where your car or bong are but they may be lodged in someone's face.

Last year / predicted finish: 7th / 8th

AUCKLANDNEW ZEALAND WARRIORS



i have no idea what this is but GIS found it when I was searching for Warriors gifs

Supporters: Jono C, Ewar Woowar, Smorgasbord

Another of the bipolar teams in the league who can be incredibly entertaining and then get beaten by 50, the Warriors had a forgettable year with a bit of a decent run in the middle. The Warriors play decent football most of the time before completely switching off and letting everyone pile on as many points as they'd like. Should they play near their potential they might sneak into the finals or even go nuts and make the grand final like a few years ago, but much like Ray Hadley's chances of pronouncing any of their names it's a slim hope and it's more likely everyone will just be embarrassed and possibly victims of racial discrimination.

You should support them if: You really like plane trips and the glassing people with duty-free liquor bottles.

Last year / predicted finish: 11th / 13th

NORTH QUEENSLAND COWBOYS



Supporters: foolish fool, 50% of FlickingFire (the less-successful indecisive parts)

Another year, another chance to be reamed by the officials in the finals and bow out in horribly unfair circumstances. This time they fell to the Sharks in a travesty of a game that involved a seventh tackle try, numerous poor calls and almost a miracle try to finish it off. Cue another offseason of tears, claims of Sydney-biased conspiracies by the NRL (or the refs, or Tom Waterhouse, or the Illuminati) and calls for Royal Commisions to get to the truth. Predictably nothing happened, and we move on to a new year and wait eagerly to see how they'll get dudded this time. It should be interesting to see how they go without their livewire fullback Matt Bowen, but they've got the makings of a good side and even more fuel for the revenge fire.

You should support them if: You are holding a lot of grudges and are not above glassing people to realise them.

Last year / predicted finish: 8th / 5th

PARRAMATTA EELS




Supporters: Saul Goode, Danoss

Somehow the horrible failures of the NRL managed to get even worse last year, dropping from 6 wins to 5 for the whole year and giving up an incredible -414 points differential. That's more points than any of the top 4 had scored against them IN TOTAL. They leaked points like a sieve, played like they couldn't care less and got the results they deserved. Apparently telling almost an entire team of top-graders they didn't have a job midway through the year wasn't a coaching masterstroke. Who'd have thought. After a second straight last-place finish the temptation is to say the only way is up, but since that involves them winning the smart money is on a similar finish again. They may sneak a couple of positions but I'd be unsurprised to see them pick up more woodenware.

You should support them if: You cook a lot of pasta and hence need more wooden spoons, as well VB bottles to share your pain with.

Last year / predicted finish: 16th / 16th

PENRITH PANTHERS



Supporters: Mootallica, Pig in the City

Another up and mostly down year for the boys from the foot of the mountain, with incredible 60 point floggings of the Warriors and wins over the Storm being counterbalanced by 5 game losing streaks and having to put up with Gus Gould on the sideline. They're performing better than I expect most of the time and really look like they've been reading their gameplans (unlike their supporters) and haven't overdosed on the OAK milk yet. If you're feeling adventurous take a trip out to Nowhereville and enjoy what will likely be a highscoring game, but be careful to pack a weapon and possibly wear a helmet. This advice also works for travelling to the region in general.

You should support them if: You have three teeth and celebrate wins by glassing people with moonshine jugs.

Last year / predicted finish: 10th / 13th

ST GEORGE-ILLAWARRA



Supporters: heladocasero, Gregorio

The Dragons still haven't fixed their total inability to score points, only outscoring the Eels in a meagre year with only 7 wins. They've got pretty good defence so should be competitive, doubly so because they've gotten rid of "can't tackle, can't kick, can lose games a little" Soward and added Dugan. Just make sure to keep him away from the party scene in Wollongong and you'll be set. Actually, rooftops are a bit of a trap too, so maybe just keep him in a dark basement somewhere. You have to assume at some point they'll learn what scoring tries can do for your scoreline, and then they'll make a charge up the ladder. Until then, they'll be cellar-dwellers yet again.

You should support them if: Your ideas of a good night out are reading Tolstoy at home while drinking Lemon Ruskies which you then smash in someone's face.

Last year / predicted finish: 14th / 12th

SOUTH SYDNEY



Supporters: Mills, Penguin Radar, Antitonic

Hahahahahaha what a year of failure. For a team with an incredible line-up, stars across the park and Burgesses coming out of their Burgess-holes they won nothing, capitulating in the final round of the season to lose the Minor Premiership and then repeating the feat in the third round of the finals to not even make it to the big show. This was a catastrophic failure in what should have been their year, and it's hard to believe the stars will align so perfectly again. They're an exciting team with brilliant players across the board and an uptempo and hard to defend style, and since the media fawns over them like they're trying to get them into bed it's probably a good thing they failed or we'd still be hearing about "everyone's second favourite team"TM. In reality I expect them to head deep into the finals again, but hopefully they'll choke again and it'll be glorious.

You should support them if: You put on a great show and then finish a little early every time, and then mourn by glassing your partner stopping your partner from glassing herself by glassing her.

Last year / predicted finish: 2nd / 3rd

SYDNEY ROOSTERS



Supporters: Ribbo (hahahahaha what a loving moron), Apollodorus, Green Eggs and Sam

I consulted my Chinese calendar but it didn't say 2013 was the year of the oval office, so I should take it back. The most hated team in the league got their act together and now that they were free of King oval office Braith Anasta were able to win the whole thing. This obviously didn't go down well with us, and we're still hoping that someone leaves the gas on in the celebrating and the whole training complex explodes. I don't have the time or necessary literary nous to detail their hideous list of crimes against decency, so just accept that they're douchebags from the wealthy end of town that everybody hates. I fear that 2014 will be another year of success for the Tricolours, and can only hope that everyone else gangs up on them for all of our sakes.

You should support them if: You're a oval office who should be glassed.

Last year / predicted finish: 1st (premiers) / 2nd

WESTS TIGERS



Supporters: iajanus, Contra Duck, Abalone Malone, Gorbash, emjayelle, MacDougall, Minisune

Step right up, it's time for the wonderful Clown Car Crash that is the Wests Tigers. Whether it was signing the Cuntlord himself or pissing off our better players and getting them to leave, the team we all love (and hate ourselves for doing so) put on a truly pitiful performance and came second last. We shipped off some more decent players at bargain basement prices, couldn't defend from a pack of Under 12s, inexplicably forgot how to score points when it used to be the only thing they could do, caused us all to become alcoholics, and even lost to Parramatta. How the gently caress do you lose to Parramatta? Nobody loses to Parramatta. Except us, of course. gently caress we're useless. I'll give you fair warning that a good chunk of this thread will be bitching about the poo poo they shovel out each week, so if you don't like it you might want to put me on Ignore. We've got some good young kids coming through so we should do a bit better, but knowing us we've probably forgotten to sign their contracts so you'll see them playing at Toyota Park in a few weeks, looking suspiciously more buff.

You should support them if: You make bad decisions regularly and want to glass both others and yourself.

Last year / predicted finish: 15th / 10th



ERRATA

NORTH SYDNEY CENTRAL COAST BEAGLE BEARS



People who still stupidly hold memberships: aejix, iajanus, quite a few other retards

This is a placeholder for when Cronulla get kicked out and the Bears march in and take the cup. It's totally going to happen, just you wait. I believe. I still believe...

THE GLORIOUS ENGLISH SUPERLEAGUE THING THAT WE ACTUALLY TOTALLY CARE ABOUT AND TALK ABOUT ALL THE TIME (thanks to stickyfngrdboy for doing this as I don't have a loving clue about it)



The home of Rugby League in Europe. Followed mostly by those of us from the so-called 'M62 corridor', which is the motorway which takes you from the Yorkshire region of Northern England to the Lancashire region of Northern England, and, if you're lucky, back again.

The two clubs who finish in positions 13 and 14 of Super League this season (after 27 rounds) will be relegated to the RL Championship, the second tier competition. After round 27, the top 8 teams enter the playoffs. Then comes clubcall.

Clubcall: The winning team from Week 1 with the highest league placing at the end of the regular season will select their semi-final opponents from the two lowest ranked winners in Week 2.

Make sense? Good.

Our players don't suffer as much as those in Australia wrt off-pitch notoriety, because nobody outside the sport knows who they are.



Bratfud Bulls

M62 Yorkshire

Support them if you like poo poo things. Had a spell of being good and won a few titles and challenge cups, and three world club challenge trophies. They are a bit quieter now because they have no money, and are bad. They finished 9th, just outside the playoffs, last season and will be lucky to finish as high as that this time around. They might not even make it to the end of the season because they are terrible at finance

Player to watch (until they stop getting paid): Luke George, maybe. Is he good?

playoff position or relegation battle?: Relegation



Castleford Tigers

M62 Yorkshire

Support them if you work in a mine. Cas have finished in the playoff positions only once in summer-era rugby, and are unlikely to achieve that again.

player to watch: nobody, their only good player was Rangi Chase and he left.

playoffs/relegation: Relegation



Catalans Dragons

ici des dragons

M62 France WTF?!

support them if you're from a very small region of southern France called Perpignan. France is not in England, bizarrely, and they talk forrin.

player to watch: Scott Dureau

playoffs/relegation: relegation



Huddersfield Giants

M62: Yorkshire

support them if, hmmmm. They're actually really good now, annoyingly. Won the League Leaders shield last season, which nobody else gives a poo poo about because it's not a real trophy.

player to watch: There's a few. Danny Brough at stand-off, Scott Grix at the back, Shaun Lunt at hooker and Eorl Crabtree at prop are all quality, and Eorl Crabtree has massive hair. Will make the playoffs, won't win anything.

playoffs/relegation: playoffs



Hull FC

M62 Yorkshire

support them if you think everything you do is a lot better than it actually is.

player to watch Gareth Ellis (who is my next door neighbour no bias), one of few who performed consistently well last season.

playoffs/relegation playoffs



Hull Kingston Rovers

M62 Yorkshire

support them if you have a neighbour who is as terrible at things as you are

player to watch er, Ben Cockayne maybe

playoffs/relegation relegation



Leeds Rhinos

M62 Yorkshire

support them if you like excellence, hard work, and are handsome and popular.

player to watch Jamie Peacock is the oldest man in the world but is still better than almost every other player in his position (prop) in Super League. New signing Tom Briscoe is also worth a look.

playoffs/relegation playoffs, definite champions.



London Broncos

M62 London wtf you can't get to London on the M62, must be a mistake

support them if you like travelling and you want to watch home games from different stadiums every week.

player to watch Solomona til he gets injured playing in mud

playoffs/relegation relegation



Salford Red Devils

M62 Lancashire

support them if you're an attention whore nobody likes. The owner:



looks a bit like the devil. Loves getting himself in the papers, and has signed 14 new players for this season, including Adrian Morley from Wolves.

player to watch Rangi Chase who is definitely English.

playoffs/relegation playoffs probably, if the squad gel early on. Will be hilarious if they fail to make playoffs having spent all that money.



St. Helens

M62 Lancashire

support them if you used to be good at things and wish you could be again, and are a scouser.

player to watch James Roby

playoffs/relegation playoffs, will win nothing.



Wakefield Trinity Wildcats

M62 Yorkshire

support them if you... don't bother with this lot, there is nothing to be gained from watching this lot regularly. Seriously, just go to the stadium and stand in the home end during a game, it's like you've travelled back in time and into a crowd of village idiots all vying to be the best idiot.

player to watch There's a few Leeds rejects in there, who all went to the closest club so they didn't have to move house when Leeds got rid of them. Paul Mcshane will make you laugh when he drops the ball for the twelfth time. They've got Keinhorst on loan from Leeds, who is maybe the only German in the world who plays rugby league.

playoffs/relegation hahahaha



Warrington Wolves

M62 Lancashire

support them if you were poo poo before but for some reason are now quite good, or you hate Widnes.

player to watch Stefan Ratchford works his bollocks off every game

playoffs/relegation playoffs, possible winners



Widnes Vikings

M62 Cheshire

support them if you hate Warrington and like watching Patrick Ah Van, they have nothing else worth seeing.

player to watch see above

playoffs/relegation likely to go down, I'm afraid



Wigan Warriors

M62 Lancashire

support them if you're a glory boy and like a pie. Most succesful side in England and therefore one of the most disliked. Will suffer after losing the little turd Sam Tomkins to NRL. Good riddance, some would say.

player to watch Sean O'Loughlin, Matty Smith. No real star there now Tomkins has gone, so it'll be interesting to see how they do without him. They'll want to prove they weren't a one man team but they were so that will be difficult.

playoffs/relegation playoffs, but nothing more without the good Tomkins. Because he left to be a NRL superstar. Which he won't be, and that will be hilarious.


IDIOTIC BETS SECTION
*Mills bet bowmore $50 that the Knights won't finish the regular season above the Rabbitohs (bet cancelled if any disqualifications etc). bowmore agreed.
*Jono C: :toxx: If I come dead last, I'll buy the winner an avatar of his/her/its choice. :toxx:

iajanus fucked around with this message at 04:06 on May 29, 2014

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iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

All projections were done independently, and bear no relation to each other. Most were done over a nice Pinot Noir last night (in the off season I have slightly more class than during the year when it's "drink entire bottle of scotch in first half then move on to nail polish in hopes of dying"). I was aware of Catalans, it's just that I don't care.

Contra, I want to believe, I really do. Having my heart broken year after year has led me to shoot low - then I'm happy no matter what! And I don't know about you but I am in denial about my past alcoholism, like any good recovering Tigers fan who is about to start watching the Triggers again.

Hadn't seen that Idris was an immediate transfer; I'll update the OP now since there's no way the Titans can make the 8 if they play like they did last year without him.

As for other projections, feel free to formulate your ladder predictions and we'll have the usual laugh at whoever is stupid enough to move the Eels off the bottom of the ladder.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

BCR posted:


Qld to win state of origin this year.

In other news, sky blue, grass green.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

DickEmery posted:

Welsh Valentine's day???

Yes, I was wondering about that (presumable) typo, too. For a better demonstration, go to Cronulla beach if you're not white.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

Well, if they don't want to be murdered just go to Cronulla beach during the morning when the families are out. You'll just get glassed by a kid, but the mothers will probably usher them away before they've finished the job.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

Jono C posted:

If you're white, I'm pretty sure the Dogs can sort something out for you.

Haven't you heard? They're the family club now...

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

When I get to work I'll make a "crazy bets" section of the OP.

e: DONE

iajanus fucked around with this message at 21:35 on Jan 8, 2014

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

http://www.smh.com.au/rugby-league/league-news/shoulder-operation-sidelines-storms-cronk-20140109-30is2.html

quote:

Melbourne halfback Cooper Cronk might miss the start of the NRL season after undergoing shoulder surgery.
The Dally M Medallist was set to return to Storm training next week, along with Cameron Smith and Billy Slater, who were also part of Australia's World Cup triumph late last year.
Storm coach Craig Bellamy said Cronk would miss their NRL trials and was in doubt for round one.
"He has had an operation on his shoulder so that is the main reason he won't play in any of the trials," Bellamy said.
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"And I'm not quite sure he will be ready for round one."
The No.7 carried the injury through 2013 but aggravated it during the World Cup.
The Storm play their first trial on Saturday February 8 at AAMI Park against Canberra.

Time for minor injuries to be incredibly over-reported!

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

fuckpot posted:

Knights
Souths
Cronulla
Parramatta
Roosters
Storm
Broncos
Manly
Bulldogs
Penrith
Gold Coast
Cowboys
Canberra
Dragons
Warriors
Tigers

And the Blues to win 3-0.

This has the potential for being an epic prediction (or more likely, completely wrong). I eagerly await it being correct.

For the record, my predictions are

Rabbits
Storm
Cunts
Cowboys
Sea-Cunts
Tigers
Sharks
Bulldogs

Knights
Broncos
Titans
Dragons
Raiders
Warriors
Panthers
Eels

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

Apollodorus posted:

:stare:


:catstare:

Here is my prediction:

Storm
Roosters
Rabbitohs
Knights
Bulldogs
Sea Eagles
Warriors
Sharks

Cowboys
Dragons
Broncos
Titans
Panthers
Eels
Tigers

Blues win 2-1 because I've only been watching this sport for 2 years and I am already sick of the Maroons winning.
I'm assuming in your ladder the Raiders got kicked out of the comp?

Also imagine how the rest of us feel watching the Maroons win 8 in a row :suicide: (soon to be 9 in a row)

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

Byolante posted:

I do wonder what rules will be changed this year to try and help the Blues win origin. Stellar reffing like sending Tate to the sinbin for being punched in the face isn't even enough.

NSW really needs to get organised and just find four young, excellent players, put them together in the same team and let them ignore the salary cap for half a decade so they get super-good playing together. It's win/win! The club will get to win several premierships and NSW will build a combination that knows each other extremely well and is very practised and comfortable playing together.

Just make sure to hide the second set of books well. Otherwise you'll need to give back the club's trophies. You'll still reap the benefits at state level.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

My prediction is NSW will somehow miraculously win the first Queensland game, everyone will think that it might be OK and then they'll poo poo the bed at ANZ and they'll lose the last two games by a mile.

:(

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

It's possible to fit more drugs into Newcastle?

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

In very shocking news, the Knights have sacked Packer.

I'm shocked that it's taken this long.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

BCR posted:

Also, the media likes the angle of all footy players are ratbag cunts who will glass their granny then snort their prescription meds while naked on a golf cart in the cbd at 9am.

Footy players visiting sick and disadvantaged kids, 60 word column underneath the horse and travel section.

To be fair, a lot of the players are only too happy to oblige with giving them material for the first kind of story...

It is poo poo, though. Much like in every facet of life, it's scandal that sells papers. That, and 5 page spreads on the Burgess clan.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

I can quite clearly state with certainty from what I've seen on tv and in the paper that he is verifiably a giant cock. It is obvious if you can see the signs. If you want to know more, please sign up to read my blog where all of this is clearly revealed...

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

Brings a tear to your eye.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

I don't care about the money, can we make it a 3 for 1 deal and throw in Anasta and Blair?

e:

Lote posted:

I'm really excited to be back and to be part of a club that's on the way up
Sick burn, mate.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

Everybody is the lesser of evils when compared to the Roosters.

Anyone else liking the jerseys for the 9s teams? The Titans' one is so much better than their actual new jerseys for this year I'm jealous.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

Cowboys and Bulldogs are :eyepop: "what colours do we normally wear?"

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

Yeah, I'm not sure about some of those changes. I'll need to see them in action to have more of an opinion, but I do like the attempts to stop the time wasting in the last five minutes. Of course, they could just stop the clock at all conversions, but that's a lot to ask.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

bowmore posted:

You forgot:

''It'll no longer be permitted [at the penalty] for a captain to rush up to talk to the referee. There'll be ample opportunity for them to do that in a structured manner. One of those times will be at half-time as they walk off the field."

Good things for teams having to play the Bulldogs, Manly or Storm

Curious how they'll police that, since unless they start with sinbins they'll just come up anyway. Hopefully that's the plan.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

bowmore posted:

They better enforce it

Hahahahahahahahaa we do all get optimistic in the silly season, don't we.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

We are trying to be optimistic, not realistic.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

I have this weird feeling that they're building to some epic debauchery, possibly at the Nines. This could get ugly...

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

Should start a tipping contest for what crimes will get caught (since there's no doubt they'll all be being committed).

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

Every single time I read those escapades I die a little inside.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

At a work conference for the rest of the week, but will be signing up when I get back. Still working on the punny name...

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

MiniSune posted:

http://m.foxsports.com.au/league/nr...u-1226815719561

Brooks is the messiah, and probably was born in a log cabin on a sacred mountain.

I am excited to see him play, and fully expect him to emulate tedesco and do an ACL 30 minutes into round one, sending us all into severe depression.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

Pat Richards will single bootedly win us every game just by hitting 50 metre field goals over and over again. It works in my 360 game so I can't imagine it won't work in real life. Brb putting my coaching application into Concord Oval, look out Mick potter.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

How about if I politely ask a mod to change the title, and someone gives me something super league related to put in the OP? I doubt there's enough league interest to keep two threads alive...

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

It was, I just forgot to call it as such and inexplicably named it Nrl 2014. Possibly because of alcohol.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

I will post any and all information desired in the OP so as to increase recognition of non-NRL criminals league teams. Just PM me or whatever and I'll add your sections.

e: thread updated to be less Australia-biased and more 2nd-tier-country friendly.

iajanus fucked around with this message at 05:29 on Feb 4, 2014

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

Jono C posted:

It's not the same without the dogfucking.

I look forward to hearing tales of the parallel universe where Patrick Ah Van is paid to play rugby league.

Next month we can change it to something else appropriate. Animal/human erotica is always a good shot with this bunch of muppets.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

http://m.smh.com.au/rugby-league/le...d=1391508956816

Lol, as if on cue Yileen Gordon gets sacked from the tigers for vandalising a school. You can't make this stuff up, really.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

MiniSune posted:

Ask and yea shall recieve.


Offending school kids. Is there anything this great game cannot achieve?

You have to get up pretty early in the morning to beat me to a scandal story :-P

Although there's no limit of them so better luck next time! Also, what a loving moron.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

If Souths don't win anything in the time they have the Burgess clan together it will be beyond hilarious.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

Apollodorus posted:

What kind of an idiot would start a fight with ANY Burgess?

Apparently it's one of the requirements for the coaching job at souths.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

In the Supercoach as the Imminent Injuries. Are we still doing cash? Um, considering how I always lose interest after three rounds I might pass on that...

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iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT

Still waiting on something super league related to put in the OP.... If it's not done by Monday I'll just start making things up at random.

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