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I don't know what it's like being an adult virgin and would like to find out. Please, tell me a little bit about your situation as an adult who has never had sex. Why do you think you are a virgin? And how old are you? Are your hobbies/activities/etc typically "nerdy"? Have you ever had a girlfriend or almost "done the deed" or "sealed the deal" before? Why didn't you successfully have sex? What constitutes sex to you, for that matter? What are your overall attitudes towards women in your age range? Do you think it would be better if they were more traditionally feminine, etc? Thanks in advance :_)
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Feb 16, 2014 04:21
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Ah, gently caress it. Might as well help you out. 1) Growing up I was always really shy and nervous and I'm terrible at initiating any kind of 'move'. That said, I've become much more confident in talking to women this last year, but only through making a lot of effort. I find it helps to just see them as friends and not potential partners, which sounds obvious, but I always used to become infatuated with any woman who showed interest in talking to me. I turn 23 in a week. 2) I play video games and I read and I was on the executive of my university's film society which has plenty of women as members. I guess they're 'nerdy' activities, but there are plenty of women who are into all three as well. 3) I have not ever had a girlfriend. I had a girl confess her feelings for me a few months ago, but I went overseas just before it happened, and by the time I came back she wasn't as interested and it all kind of fizzled out. I have almost 'done the deed' in the form of oral sex, I guess. It was with someone I didn't know well and I just chickened out at going any further, thinking my chance would come soon again, but it didn't. I had just turned 21 when that happened. I know some would define oral as losing your virginity, but not to me, it isn't. 4) I don't know. In a way I wouldn't mind if women were more 'traditionally feminine' because most of my conception of love and romance and so on has been from books, where women are just like that. But at the same time, I find myself preferring those who are more assertive and 'masculine' (placeholder until I can think of a better word), which seems to work well in a friendship where I'm the shy, passive one.
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Feb 16, 2014 04:37
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I've received a great deal of oral sex (I'm 36 years old) yet i've never "Sealed the deal" as far as vaginal sex is concerned.
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Feb 16, 2014 07:30
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I'm 34 and have yet to enter a traditional vagina. I'll leave it at that.
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Feb 16, 2014 08:13
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chamois posted:I've received a great deal of oral sex (I'm 36 years old) yet i've never "Sealed the deal" as far as vaginal sex is concerned. could you tell us a little more about this whole situation please
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Feb 16, 2014 08:49
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chamois posted:I've received a great deal of oral sex (I'm 36 years old) yet i've never "Sealed the deal" as far as vaginal sex is concerned. Have you ever offered or given oral sex?
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Feb 16, 2014 08:52
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In the male gay community, I would say oral counts because not all gays like anal and it might not even be the norm. Why wouldn't oral count for straight people?
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Feb 16, 2014 09:42
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Lord Windy posted:In the male gay community, I would say oral counts because not all gays like anal and it might not even be the norm. Why wouldn't oral count for straight people? This might not be the proper thread for it, but since it came up, are there a lot of homosexual men who just don't enjoy anal sex and never do it? Based on this quote it seems kind of nebulous, but I've always just wondered.
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Feb 16, 2014 09:58
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Lord Windy posted:In the male gay community, I would say oral counts because not all gays like anal and it might not even be the norm. Why wouldn't oral count for straight people? It's just a cultural thing. There are some women out there who will do anal, and since there wasn't any vaginal penetration, they still consider themselves virgins.
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Feb 16, 2014 10:17
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Tequila Sunrise posted:This might not be the proper thread for it, but since it came up, are there a lot of homosexual men who just don't enjoy anal sex and never do it? Based on this quote it seems kind of nebulous, but I've always just wondered. Me personally: I'm happy to be a top, not a bottom and I've never done anal as my first sexual experience with someone. It's normally like 3 and 4 encounters and even then it's not a regular thing. I could live without it as well. For others, I've had one guy who didn't like anal full stop and I've never been with a top. I'd ask Fabgoons or look for studies if you want more than a survey of 1 guy.
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Feb 16, 2014 10:52
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Tequila Sunrise posted:This might not be the proper thread for it, but since it came up, are there a lot of homosexual men who just don't enjoy anal sex and never do it? Based on this quote it seems kind of nebulous, but I've always just wondered. Stephen Fry has mentioned that he's never had anal sex and he's gay as hell.
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Feb 16, 2014 14:56
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There's definitely some dudes who aren't into anal at all, and are pretty much content with performing/being the target of oral sex for most of their sexual experiences. Generally the whole definition of a 'virgin' kind of falls apart when you're talking about people where sticking a cock in a vagina isn't the end-all be-all of sex.
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Feb 17, 2014 10:35
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Lord. I'm prolly gonna regret posting this. But, in the interest of thinking you might somehow actually be sincere, lemme tell you a story. So like, I'm 29. I've kissed exactly three girls. If you want to know the "why" of it all, I blame poor mental health. I have fairly severe depression and social anxiety disorder. I have a form of panic disorder. To give you an idea of how bad my depression/anxiety is, before I was on medication, I would do such things as "Go multiple days without eating" or "Walk to the store, perhaps as far as a mile away, stare at the entrance of the store, feel unable to go in, and then walk back home." Sometimes combine the two and substitute "restaurant" or "Cafeteria" for store. I am terrified, terrified, terrified of driving. I don't mind being a passenger in a car, except for when a semi is driving on my side of the vehicle. I grew up in an extremely rural neighborhood. These two concepts do not mix. I've driven cars before, but any more than maybe a minute or two and I sort of lose it. I was physically abused (I would argue "tortured") in grade school and Jr. High. To a degree where one of my later psychologists once told me that "It's not unusual for people with your level of peer abuse to snap and shoot up the joint." Those were his actual words. "Shoot up the joint." By high school people mellowed out but I had yet to learn the virtue of forgiveness, so I didn't associate with anyone but one or two other "black sheep." I was ridiculously short and had terrible acne and could never even imagine asking out a girl. College brought me nothing but misery. It was a mistake to go in every sense except that I got to eventually live on my own in a moderate sized city. I learned quite a bit about living on my own, but very little academically. Ironically, I study new and exciting material all the time--just independently. School is a massive waste of time if you don't know why you're there. I haven't held a job--or been able to--until recently. Before I was convinced to medicate myself and deal with my mental illness, I was pretty incapable of much of anything. I finally joined the work force at the ripe old age of 27. As you can expect, I had to start at the very bottom to make up for so much lost time. I live in my sister's basement, and I'm insanely lucky to have her and my folks or I am certain I'd be dead or homeless. She's graciously letting me stay with her and save some money so I'm not stuck in rent hell for my entire life. I've made great strides lately. I'm willing and able to work, finally. I'm in the best shape of my life, physically. Pre-medication I'm fairly sure I must have been malnourished. I spent a year at the gym and gained about 30 pounds and quadrupled the amount of weight I could exercise with on some exercises. I am not particularly strong now; I was just terribly weak before. I can talk to girls, sort of, and people I've met in person over the last year or so generally react with genuine surprise if I tell them about my social anxiety disorder. I'm still somewhat ashamed of living with someone else, but I see the logic in holding off until I can afford a better situation. My hobbies are generally standard nerd stuff, but I also work out and am a nut for NBA basketball. Oddly, for everything that does scare me, I'm not afraid at all of making a fool out of myself in public, and I've done a small amount of stuff with comedy. Somehow, performing in front of an audience is easier than initiating a conversation. I've started traveling, I'm maybe 4/5s of the way through a novel, and I'm thinking of taking up an instrument. What else..... I've gotten to second base before I kissed a girl. The first time I kissed a girl was a week before my twenty fifth birthday while I was high off my rear end on magic mushrooms. I've had a drunken make-out in a bar, and I've kissed a girl on a date (that I initiated. Slow, agonizing progress.) I've actually been propositioned a few times, but this was way, way back when I was much younger and I had such poor self-esteem I thought I was being cruelly mocked. I'm not sure where sex begins. Kissing is pretty fantastic stuff. Second base was pretty fantastic stuff. I could spend a day doing either and it'd be a pretty fantastic day, really. No woman has seen me naked. One of my favorite things to do in the world is to just talk to people, but I'm just so.... bad.... at getting myself into a mode where I can do it. Even though I've improved pretty dramatically, I still get a really dry, sore throat the next day if I actually DO have a decent conversation with someone. I'm definitely more attracted to girls somewhat younger than me. There's a few reasons for this. I've pretty much only lived in college towns (and my original, poo poo town), but I'm also just... not mentally in the same place as a 30 year old who has her poo poo together. As for whether I preferred girls be more traditionally feminine, my answer is a solid "naw". I like a wide variety in women. I like people. If they're not an rear end in a top hat, I can talk to anyone for hours and hours--if I can work up the nerve to talk to them in the first place. Initiation is the hardest part. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ But all of this is just a story. You gave me some prompts to answer, sure, but what you really asked is what is it like. And the answer is, it is a constant, unyielding hell. Sex is everywhere. It's a transcendent, near-universal part of the human condition, and it's not part of me. At my best, I can rationalize "Yes. I have had to struggle with mental illness and if I keep working on self improvement, the dam will break". At my worst, I feel less than human. It's so easy to get involved in all sorts of toxic thinking patterns. I'll enumerate on some. The easy one is that I must be the worst person alive. That I'm so broken and different that I will never actually be a part of the adult human population. Think about it. You're constantly comparing yourself to the worst people you know that have still had another human want to have sex with them. You think "But I'm smarter" or "But I'm better looking" or "But I'm a better person--aren't I?" but trying to math it out. I'll get into a weird feedback loop where I'll think "My combination of bad traits adds up to make me less attractive than even the lowest of the low. I must be the very last resort." It tears apart my self esteem like hardly anything else does. It's unbelievably demoralizing to watch the 40 Year Old Virgin and realize "This guy that's supposed to be unrealistically alone has actually had more sexual experiences than I have." It's sometimes an obsession, and, I imagine a slightly worse person than myself could easily fall into a lot of the traps. I've read drat near every pickup book there is. Thankfully, I recognize a lot of the behavior in them as reprehensible, but I have a lot of compassion for the poor bastards who get hooked on that stuff. I mostly keep reading them and other, more general self-help manuals hoping that some magic switch will flick in my brain and I'll learn to communicate like a real human being. At this point, that's an accurate description of what it is. I'm hoping that something magically fixes me, because on my worst days, I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. Talking about it is incredibly difficult. I have an online community of friends I sometimes refer to for feedback. My family is weirdly conservative about sex, and I honestly think my folks would applaud me if I told them I still haven't had sex. My folks literally have preached abstinence to me. Weirdly, they are atheist. Therapists tend to gloss over it, like it's not one of my bigger concerns. It's probably not the root of my problems, and it is probably something that'll fix itself as I heal myself, but it's incredibly frustrating when you want to vent about something that is a source of huge emotional distress, and the subject is continually changed on you. If you can't talk to a therapist, who can you talk to? There's a constant, irrational fear that you'll be horrifically ridiculed if anyone finds out. I can't really elaborate on this one any better. I just don't want to be laughed at. I get angry when other people talk about sex when I'm around. Not at them, specifically. Just in general. It just drives me mad. And I can't let it out, obviously, because then they might know, or pry or judge me. I think the worst part is how ungrateful some people are about it. Like they don't realize that another person has given them a gift, and they should be goddamned thankful for it. Playing with, loving, sharing happiness with another human being ought to be the easiest thing in the world, but it's not. Show some drat respect. I'm nervous that I have to be perfect assuming I actually do ever get there. I feel like it gets scarier every year. An 18 year old has a lot less expectations of sexual competence than a 29 year old. Physical contact is just about the most wonderful thing ever. I get kind of emotional on the rare occasions someone other than my mom or my infant niece opts to hug me. Like, I don't care how crazy it sounds, but I think my body is often just starved at times for any sort of physical contact. Before medication, I used to get a sensation, just the most awful loving thing, across my upper back. It's difficult to describe. It wasn't painful. It was more like a soft itch. It would feel like something incredibly sharp was just.... opening up little lines between my shoulders, softly pulling apart my skin and exposing the raw nerves underneath to the air. POST-medication, I still get the sensation, but only when I'm very, very depressed, which thankfully is less and less often. God, gently caress it. I don't know. That's what I got for you, OP. There's more in there, somewhere. I've spent the better part of my life just... spinning my wheels, obsessing over this one little problem. Like trying to remember where you heard a piece of music. I hope this helps.
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Feb 17, 2014 10:41
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^ Hey, at least you've kissed a girl! But seriously, that second part is really good. It sums up my feelings on sex, but I generally just try to block it out.Agent Kool-Aid posted:There's definitely some dudes who aren't into anal at all, and are pretty much content with performing/being the target of oral sex for most of their sexual experiences. Generally the whole definition of a 'virgin' kind of falls apart when you're talking about people where sticking a cock in a vagina isn't the end-all be-all of sex. Yeah, I know it's stupid, but as someone else said, it's a cultural thing. It's largely how my peers, and I suppose much of society would define losing one's virginity that influences me, and I can't with a good conscience say that I have, until I've done it the 'traditional' way. Octy fucked around with this message at 10:47 on Feb 17, 2014 |
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Feb 17, 2014 10:42
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Edit: unsurprisingly this went to poo poo pretty quickly. Don't want to be attached to it.
Hocus Pocus fucked around with this message at 00:53 on Feb 20, 2014 |
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Feb 17, 2014 13:36
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Hocus Pocus posted:
I always see stuff like this and it confuses me. Very few people are cruel enough, if you are getting into a relationship, to ridicule you about your lack of sexual history. And when you do get into a meaningful relationship, and history does get brought up, do you think "of course i've had sex...with a hooker" is better than "no, you'd be my first"? It's making a not terrible situation into an extremely ugly one.
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Feb 17, 2014 15:33
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Why are you all posting in what is obviously a honeypot thread 
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Feb 17, 2014 15:43
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Rhymenoserous posted:Why are you all posting in what is obviously a honeypot thread I didn't participate, I just wanted to enlighten someone on the habits of gay guys. 
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Feb 17, 2014 18:09
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I was an adult virgin for about 3-4 years. It sucked. The day I lost it was the best poo poo that ever happened to me. All of problems I had with self-esteem, anger issues, misogyny, self consciousness, etc melted away instantly and I became a better person. All because I knew someone wanted me just as much as I wanted them. Ask me anything I guess.
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Feb 17, 2014 18:48
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Rhymenoserous posted:Why are you all posting in what is obviously a honeypot thread Honey is delicious.  Anyhow, one of the best ways of coping with mental illness is confronting it. I'm pretty confident that any attempt to humiliate me will either backfire or fizzle out.
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Feb 17, 2014 20:19
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The problem with a lot of goons is how much value they place on sex. Sex is supposed to be easy and fun and casual. You don't run to it so you can patch up your self-esteem problems and measure your own self-worth. God, if you have a problem with being a virgin, pay an escort and just shut off your mind for half an hour. Once you realize that sex isn't this scary, monolithic thing that makes other people better than you, you can actually make some progress with women.
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Feb 17, 2014 20:57
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B-but it's so hard being white! Waaaaaagh!
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As a hetero female who isn't an adult virgin, I just wanted to let you lot know that most people I know wouldn't care if someone they wanted to sleep with was a virgin, kind of regardless of age, as long as it wasn't because they were gross. If you're a virgin because you're all emotionally messed up, that's fine, and you shouldn't worry about people's reactions. The reason why a lot of comparatively shittier, uglier people still manage to get laid is not because they're somehow still a better person than you, it's because they just chill out and don't place sex on a pedestal. It's really no big deal. Just do it if you get the chance, or don't, whatever.
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Feb 17, 2014 21:38
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Bunch of youngins' in here... I'll be straight with you—I'm 46. Hold your applause. I remember being 37 when The 40-Year Old Virgin came out and thinking to myself in the theater, "...nah. Won't happen to me. Any day now." For awhile, I kept holding out for that day, but by now? I've basically given up. It's kind of ok. I'm not depressed or anything—I just get, and am comfortable with, the knowledge that I'll never have sex. It's just a curiosity for me now. It's something other people do, which is fine! It's just an experience I won't have. To me, it's kind of like wondering what it'd be like to live in, say, Libya. I'm never going to do it. I'll die not doing it. I'm sure it's nice. Besides, it's hard to meet people where I live. I'm a classic townie—graduated high school, lingered home for a few years, and next thing I know, I still live in the house I grew up in, which I inherited after my mom died. In a small, rural place like this (I live in Illinois) that most people just leave from young, so the dating pool is basically just high school girls and women in their fifties, usually married. The closest I ever came, before I gave up, was four or five years ago, with my neighbor down the road. Like I said, this is the country, so while I can see her house from my yard, we're not exactly neighbors in the classic, shared picket fence sense. I remember late that summer starting to see her walking by every weekday afternoon (I'm unemployed, thanks to a lifelong non-visible physical disability.) I'd never seen her before, and over the course of a couple months, I found myself always, almost subconsciously, looking forward to seeing her walk by on her way from the school bus. One day I was sitting outside, on my little lawn chair, with a glass of lemonade, and she happened by, and we struck up a conversation. It was nice, and we ended up exchanging a few words every weekday from then on out. We got to know each other: she was a senior, new to town that year, a real military brat. She didn't like the town, but didn't mind too much either since she'd already been accepted to Cornell, and was even set up to move there come summer, so by April, I was starting to think to myself, y'know, now or never. So one hot Friday I invited her in for a drink, and she obliged. I was so excited. I just stood there in my kitchen, fingering the label of my beer, keeping real quiet, so, so nervous. By the time I finally spit it out, I'm sure she'd already puzzled out what I wanted to say. She didn't seem surprised. At least she let me down easy. We just stood there for an hour, talking it out and negotiating. In retrospect, it was a really great, intimate conversation, among the best I've ever had, and even though it didn't end in sex, I'll always remember fondly how she stuck around so long to talk it out, especially since I could tell she was a little uncomfortable for a lot of it. I stopped seeing her much after that, though we did reconnect as Facebook friends a couple of years after she moved. So anyway, I've remained a virgin my whole life, and that's the closest I've ever got to crossing over! Not too close, right? Well, I guess you've got a point. But it was close enough for me. At least I tried, y'know? No harm, no foul.
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Feb 18, 2014 00:24
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Dark Weasel posted:Bunch of youngins' in here... So you were 41 and trying to bang a school girl?
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Feb 18, 2014 00:30
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Zlatan Imhobitch posted:So you were 41 and trying to bang a school girl? 18, looked 20.
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Feb 18, 2014 00:42
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If you're 41 and never had sex, please go to a hooker. Just do it already, please.
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Feb 18, 2014 00:50
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Most HS seniors are 16-17. If she was good enough to get into Cornell, she probably wasn't held back. And you got to know her the summer before her senior year. Consider being a little more careful, and maybe even thoughtful, the next time you proposition a barely legal teen for sex.
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Feb 18, 2014 00:51
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i like nice words
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Dark Weasel posted:18, looked 20. Oh man  I loving love these forums.
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Feb 18, 2014 00:52
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Man how did you survive to 47? I was a complete loving mess at 22, I mean I was more of a mess when I was 18-21 but still. I ended up with a very hot 29 year old though.  I think my problem was that I was too shallow and only wanted to be with the only women I thought were near perfect. I had several opportunities in HS to be with girls I would consider average looking which I realize now would have done a lot for my self esteem. Sephiroth_IRA fucked around with this message at 04:16 on Feb 18, 2014 |
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Feb 18, 2014 01:00
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Vaginapocalypse posted:The problem with a lot of goons is how much value they place on sex. Sex is supposed to be easy and fun and casual. You don't run to it so you can patch up your self-esteem problems and measure your own self-worth. Imagine being 13 or so. Your hormones are raging, you might have a couple of friends who have got to second base or whatever. Sex is a pretty big thing, but at the same time it's got a mysterious allure about it. Time goes by and all but the nerdiest of your friends have lost their virgnity, but not you. It retains that mystery and it becomes something that you should have been able to do by the time you hit 18 or 20 at the latest. It's a bit like being able to tie your shoelaces. If you've never done it after a certain point and everyone else has, you feel excluded. But I don't see sex as being something that will patch up my self-esteem problems, if and when it happens. Like I said in my original post, I've made a lot of effort in becoming more confident in talking to women (and people in general) and if sex comes out of that, all the better. I'll be honest about my lack of sexual experience and hope they'll understand. I just hope also that I'm not going to be 46 when the time comes. Octy fucked around with this message at 01:57 on Feb 18, 2014 |
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Feb 18, 2014 01:53
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Dark Weasel posted:Bunch of youngins' in here... lmao
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Feb 18, 2014 03:30
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27 year old virgin here OP. Basically I am physically and socially repulsive, grotesquely scarred by disease, severely depressed, and hope to one day build up the resolve to end my life.
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Feb 18, 2014 04:01
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Vaginapocalypse posted:The problem with a lot of goons is how much value they place on sex. Sex is supposed to be easy and fun and casual. You don't run to it so you can patch up your self-esteem problems and measure your own self-worth. me posted:Playing with, loving, sharing happiness with another human being ought to be the easiest thing in the world, but it's not. I agree with you. Unfortunately, telling your brain to feel a certain way is much different than your brain actually feeling a different way. You can't will your way through these things.
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Feb 18, 2014 04:52
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It gets to the point where you no longer care about sex per se and instead crave intimacy in general. Around that time you start to notice how sex obsessed pop culture is, even the 'classy' stuff, where sex and particularly infidelity is used as shorthand for Mature Storytelling.
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Feb 18, 2014 05:24
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yeah just go ahead and spring for a prostitute if you pass 25 without getting laid. just fuckin do it. at least you won't be a virgin anymore. there's no reason not to. don't creep on teenagers after you turn 20 either please. also, go gently caress someone you consider well below your "standards" you reach 25, 30, 40, so on there is years of emotional development you missed out on with regards to relating someone that you're intimate with and there are so many mistakes and so much drama you need to get through before you get it right. level up. so go gently caress someone you would never consider loving. gently caress a man. become a sexual person. level up until when girls meet you they don't immediately sense you're not boyfriend material because you don't know how to be in a relationship. just get started, right now. log off the forums and don't come back. i'm married, i can be as goony as i want. go earn that poo poo. go give someone an orgasm. suck off a hobo. be brave.
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Feb 18, 2014 05:49
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Dark Weasel posted:Bunch of youngins' in here... But yea thread, thank you for making my life look a whole hell of a lot better.
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Feb 18, 2014 06:02
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ok lol I'll bite, 23 year old male. I think I just didn't have time for it, I've been working since I was 16 while still going to high school / college. Now I work really much which leaves me with little spare time. I'm quitting work in june though and have the whole summer off (after this I will go to college again) I used to like video games a lot, now not so much. The only thing I do every day after work is weightlifting. I'm strong but I'll never be elite level because I don't have the genetics and don't want to take drugs. So no, not typically nerdy. Never GF, had a girl stay over in my apartment after a party once. She was too hosed up from drugs I just put her to bed (she was all over me) I got no attitudes toward women, I have many friends who are women
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Feb 18, 2014 08:37
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Thank you for sharing everyone, I have learned a bit.
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Feb 18, 2014 10:04
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Veryslightlymad posted:I'm nervous that I have to be perfect assuming I actually do ever get there. I feel like it gets scarier every year. An 18 year old has a lot less expectations of sexual competence than a 29 year old. Hocus Pocus posted:How could I possibly tell them? Wouldn't they felt misled? Angry? Embarrassed for me? Then if it gets around and I have my loving friends feeling pity for me. May I give you guys some important advice? If you meet a girl and you're getting to know her and she seems really cool, and you are into her and she is into you... After a short while of that guaranteed awkwardness I'd highly advise you to tell her. Like not necessarily right away or anything but like say you two are going out 2 or 3 times, have kissed or something or basically she just clearly likes you, then if you want to cut that bullshit never-ending awkwardness then the trick is to just tell her exactly what's up. Women aren't going to be weirded out. Curious, yeah. But not weirded out. It's such a mistake to think that they would be. So as long as you make it clear that it's because your "kinda shy" or "had some anxiety issues in highschool" or whatever, they will understand and be accepting, and will probably understand why your kinda awkward with some things. If they like you, why would that be some kind of deal-breaker? Imagine if Steve Carells character in that movie had, after two or three dates with that women, simply sat down with her after dinner and told her what was up in a heartfelt and honest way. The movie would have been a hell of a lot shorter and less dramatic.
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Feb 18, 2014 10:12
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| # ? Apr 25, 2024 10:01 |
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The Cleaner posted:Imagine if Steve Carells character in that movie had, after two or three dates with that women, simply sat down with her after dinner and told her what was up in a heartfelt and honest way. The movie would have been a hell of a lot shorter and less dramatic. Nobody listen to this fool, you're the main character of your lovely movie.
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Feb 18, 2014 11:31
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