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dexter6 posted:
Not as of yet, but we have talked about it. We are each in therapy separately, I was going to ask my therapist if there is anyone they can recommend. edit: VVV thanks SnatchRabbit fucked around with this message at 16:59 on Feb 24, 2021 |
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Feb 24, 2021 16:55
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There's a breakup megathread in e/n, or a relationship one
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Feb 24, 2021 16:57
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i like nice words
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SnatchRabbit posted:Not as of yet, but we have talked about it. We are each in therapy separately, I was going to ask my therapist if there is anyone they can recommend. Anyway, good luck.
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Feb 24, 2021 17:46
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If you're going to cheat again take a Lyft. Much cheaper than an apartment.
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Feb 24, 2021 17:57
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I'm not going to encourage you to head for divorce or anything, and do seek out couples therapy. But as a child from divorce at a young age (6), it is the best decision they made wrt to me. I didn't have to endure years of bitter parents sniping at each other that some of my friends have experienced.
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Feb 25, 2021 13:52
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Zedd posted:I'm not going to encourage you to head for divorce or anything, and do seek out couples therapy. But as a child from divorce at a young age (6), it is the best decision they made wrt to me. I didn't have to endure years of bitter parents sniping at each other that some of my friends have experienced. Yeah, as a little kid I could tell that my parents weren't happy together. Seeing them clearly resenting each other all the time was more confusing than helpful. When they finally split, it came off to me like they'd wasted so much time for 20 years.
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Feb 25, 2021 18:43
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my parents never divorced but they came extremely close multiple times and I wish they had because maybe it would’ve saved us from enduring my mom’s emotional and verbal abuse for another 10+ years anyway that’s my divorce story
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Feb 25, 2021 18:52
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Ok Comboomer posted:my parents never divorced but they came extremely close multiple times and I wish they had because maybe it would’ve saved us from enduring my mom’s emotional and verbal abuse for another 10+ years anyway that’s my divorce story My mom and stepdad got divorced after 13 years of marriage, and separated after 11. I was about 14 when they separated, and I don't know how my stepdad stood her for so many years. Once he was gone, I not only got my dose of psychological and physical, but his as well. Luckily I was bigger than my mom and started wrestling freshman year of high school, so the physical poo poo became less of an occurrence, but when it came up, it involved entire tree branches or baseball bats. I still talk to my stepdad, but I haven't seen my mom since 2001, and I plan to keep it that way. If it's that type of situation, try and take the kids with you, even if they aren't yours by blood.
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Feb 26, 2021 03:32
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SnatchRabbit posted:Not as of yet, but we have talked about it. We are each in therapy separately, I was going to ask my therapist if there is anyone they can recommend. Yeah breakup thread is a great resource. And couples counselling is always a good idea in this situation. Maybe you figure out that you can make things work. Maybe you figure out that divorce is the best path. Either way you have a neutral third party mediating and making sure you're both on the same page, and there really is no downside to that.
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Feb 26, 2021 08:15
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My partner told me that there are more affordable but not so Facebook-bragging-photogenic options when it comes to pregnancy tests, ones that involve sticking a plain strip into a cup. My sleep-deprived Google skills are not finding what they are talking about. Does anyone know what this product could be?
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Jun 1, 2021 11:08
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Professor Shark posted:My partner told me that there are more affordable but not so Facebook-bragging-photogenic options when it comes to pregnancy tests, ones that involve sticking a plain strip into a cup. My sleep-deprived Google skills are not finding what they are talking about. Does anyone know what this product could be? Like this? https://www.walmart.com/ip/PREGMATE-20-Pregnancy-Test-Strips-20-Count/870639934 Just search for “pregnancy test strip”
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Jun 1, 2021 13:35
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Can anyone point me towards resources on sub/dom stuff (safety, establishing boundaries, what's out there etc) that aren't weird and regressive?
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Jul 6, 2021 14:22
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MAKE NO BABBYS posted:Like this? You can also grab the ovulation strips if you're trying, since tracking apps are poo poo.
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Jul 8, 2021 07:49
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Marx Headroom posted:Can anyone point me towards resources on sub/dom stuff (safety, establishing boundaries, what's out there etc) that aren't weird and regressive? I think there might be some links in my post history for this thread but I'm not 100%.
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Jul 8, 2021 19:06
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Marx Headroom posted:Can anyone point me towards resources on sub/dom stuff (safety, establishing boundaries, what's out there etc) that aren't weird and regressive? The New Topping and The New Bottoming books are a decent entry point. Fetlife also has some decent info buried in their forums. You could also look for local groups. Here in the DMV, we have The Black Rose.
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Jul 11, 2021 16:45
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Also the two acronyms to search for are SSC (safe, sane, consensual) and RACK (risk-aware consensual kink). There are philosophical differences, but you should find good resources associated with both.
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Jul 11, 2021 21:32
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There's endless wank about the tiny difference between SSC and RACK, but imo that does a lot of work to cover up the totally nonconsensual stuff happening in the community. You should know what you're doing and what the risks are, and do everything you can to minimize them. Same for your partner. And you should both communicate and be enthusiastically on board with whatever's going to happen. Anything beyond that is just pointless squabbling with some guy in a utilikilt. I wouldn't bother digging into the concepts themselves nearly as much as I would prioritize learning about the risks of your thing, how to mitigate them, and any skills involved.
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Jul 11, 2021 22:29
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Also be aware that knowing the risks doesn't mean that they can be mitigated.
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Jul 12, 2021 05:26
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I can't think of any risk that couldn't be mitigated. If you're doing fireplay, you can keep an extinguisher nearby and make sure it's safe to use around people. If you're choking, you can do it for only a couple seconds. If you're doing bloodplay, you can keep cuts small and know a lot about first aid. I can't think of anything that's like "it's risky anyway so just do whatever" Risks can't be eliminated, but that's different, obviously.
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Jul 12, 2021 06:59
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Hey sex thread, it’s another episode of “Nessa makes bad decisions.” So, only a few weeks after I said it was okay for my husband to text my best friend (we host D&D at our place), my husband asked me if it was okay for him to be physically intimate with her. She has a long term boyfriend who we also play D&D with, but they have an open relationship. I haven’t had sex with my husband since March since I’m the primary caregiver for our now 14 month old baby. I had gone months without a sexual thought crossing my mind, so I said yes, as to not deprive him of sexual experiences. Now both me and my friend are bi and it seems like she would like to be intimate with me as well, but I’m not sure if I’m into her in that way. The first time we were all alone together after baby went to bed, we cuddled up on the couch together and I just felt nothing. I feel like I’ve been asexual for the better part of the last year. They were apparently ready for a threesome, but I was tired and didn’t feel anything, so I just went to bed early while they stayed up and talked (and I presume other stuff). My husband gave me some time to think about things so we could set some boundaries. I decided to slow things down a bit and we determined what would be off limits and how much they can do in front of me. I wanted full disclosure so we could be as open and honest as possible, but my husband just wanted some rules in place instead, so we went with that. Last night they went into the basement and did “something” while I put the baby to bed. Again, I was super tired and just watched a few shows with them afterwards before going to bed at 8:30. I’m fine with the whole thing, but kinda bummed that I feel no desire to participate. My husband and my friend are both worried about me. The whole situation also brings up a lot of painful memories and reminds me of the mistakes I made, but I can handle it. I spent a lot of time with my therapist working on thought stopping. I also worked on setting boundaries with friends so an affair would never happen again, so maybe that’s why I can’t see myself being intimate with her. I also distanced myself emotionally from her a while ago because I would get too upset when she would constantly cancel plans for us. I was too invested in the friendship, so I backed off for my own well-being. Now everything is just kinda weird and I don’t know what will happen. I’m not worried about my marriage at all. I just wish I could enjoy this thing that I had once fantasized about. I don’t know how to make it not awkward.
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Dec 13, 2021 19:31
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FWIW I'm not seeing any bad decisions there. It sounds like you're all communicating and being respectful of each other's boundaries. The challenges you're facing are: 1) You're not feeling sexual post-partum, but you feel like you should be. 2) You feel like you should be wanting to have sex with your friend, but you don't. These are rooted in things you're feeling, not in decisions you've made, and there are no "wrong" feelings. For 1), the question is whether you're happy with your current level of sexual desire (ie you are asexual, which is totally OK), or whether it's something you want to work on. If you figure out you're asexual, then you need to talk with your husband about how your relationship will work, how you'll maintain intimacy in non-sexual ways, what your boundaries are around him finding sexual gratification, etc. If it's something you want to work on, it might be a good idea to look for a therapist who specializes in post-partum sex stuff. Also, here's an article with generally good information: https://www.allure.com/story/low-postpartum-sex-drive-or-hsdd For 2), it sounds like you need to talk through your trust issues with your friend, and try to re-build some trust. If she's being intimate with your husband, and you're relying on them to abide by the boundaries you've set, you will really need to do this. And, maybe you're just not sexually attracted to her in particular, which is totally OK? Also it sounds like you have some past trauma around group sex and open relationships, so it's probably a good idea to talk through that and have a lot of check-ins with your husband and friend. (I'm sure you're probably doing that?) And maybe group sex just isn't for you, which is also OK? Either way, you're not doing anything wrong, and it's OK to not want a threesome with your friend even if it's something you fantasized about years ago.
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Dec 13, 2021 21:35
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Hey Nessa, Not sure how directly related to your post this is, but thought I'd say that Thought Stopping is something that (evidence-based) therapists shy away from nowadays, because the research evidence suggests that for most people it either doesn't help or makes unpleasant thoughts worse. It's unclear if you don't struggle with those thoughts any more (awesome if that's the case) but if you're still struggling and 'failing', you're not a failure - you've just been given bad tools. Might be helpful to find a therapist to talk through the current situation with?
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Dec 14, 2021 04:31
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Lead out in cuffs posted:For 1), the question is whether you're happy with your current level of sexual desire (ie you are asexual, which is totally OK), or whether it's something you want to work on. If you figure out you're asexual, then you need to talk with your husband about how your relationship will work, how you'll maintain intimacy in non-sexual ways, what your boundaries are around him finding sexual gratification, etc. I suppose I was happy until now, as my husband hadn’t been pressuring me. I’ve just been so busy taking care of a toddler that not thinking of sex has kind of been a boon. But now there’s something I’m missing out on, so I want to be a sexual person again. quote:For 2), it sounds like you need to talk through your trust issues with your friend, and try to re-build some trust. If she's being intimate with your husband, and you're relying on them to abide by the boundaries you've set, you will really need to do this. And, maybe you're just not sexually attracted to her in particular, which is totally OK? I don’t have any trust issues with my friend. She would cancel plans a lot due to her MS and having either bad pain days or a bad emotional day when I had been looking forward to seeing my only friend. At the time, hanging out with her was something I looked forward to for weeks, so I’d get really down when she’d have to repeatedly cancel our plans. I do have past trauma and have been doing a lot of check-ins with the both of them. My very first relationship was being my best friend’s boyfriend’s second girlfriend when I was 17 and religious. It was easy for me to ignore the sexual part of their relationship, so when I walked in on them one day, it kind of broke my naive little brain. I left the relationship a couple months later. They were both at my wedding! I’ve never fantasized about being with this particular friend, but rather just a threesome with another girl who I liked and trusted as I’ve never had an opportunity to explore my bisexuality before. One suddenly falls into my lap and now I don’t want it? Am I even bi like I thought I was? UrbanLabyrinth posted:Hey Nessa, Thank you, I did not know that! I used to have intrusive suicidal thoughts and worked with several different therapists regarding them. The only ones I’ve had lately have been thoughts of my prior affair partner and how much I miss him. This whole situation makes me think of him more because I think of how different it would have been if I had just been open with my husband instead of sneaking around for 3 months. I was just too scared to be open with him and it cost me almost everything. Many times I’ve just had to go “just stop thinking about it, just don’t think about it…” to avoid being sad. I still have to sleep with a video on to keep thoughts like that from filling my head while I’m falling asleep. I really like my therapist, who helped us after my affair and with some postpartum depression issues, but I really can’t afford to see her again right now, what with Christmas and us suddenly having to buy a new car.
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Dec 14, 2021 09:41
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UrbanLabyrinth posted:Hey Nessa, Dude, don't tell people to not listen to their therapists! A therapist trumps "some rando from the internet who listened to a podcast or read an article one time". I'm particularly coming down on you because therapists I've seen (clinical psychologists, as it happens) also taught me thought stopping, and it was tremendously helpful for me in some pretty dire circumstances.
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Dec 18, 2021 00:44
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Hyperlynx posted:Dude, don't tell people to not listen to their therapists! Good thing that I'm not some rando, but instead am a clinical psychologist, specifically one who's pretty critical of colleagues who keep pushing out outdated, non-evidence-based interventions that they learned a decade or two ago and never updated their knowledge of. Like, even a Google of the term "thought stopping" will show multiple pages talking about how it's often harmful and worsens intrusive cognitions.
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Dec 18, 2021 03:55
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UrbanLabyrinth posted:Good thing that I'm not some rando, but instead am a clinical psychologist, specifically one who's pretty critical of colleagues who keep pushing out outdated, non-evidence-based interventions that they learned a decade or two ago and never updated their knowledge of. It's not on me to support your case, though, it's on you. But ok, you're a clinical psychologist, so fine. That's the kind of thing you should mention, it's pretty relevant to the point you're making.
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Dec 18, 2021 04:57
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Nessa posted:I’ve never fantasized about being with this particular friend, but rather just a threesome with another girl who I liked and trusted as I’ve never had an opportunity to explore my bisexuality before. One suddenly falls into my lap and now I don’t want it? Am I even bi like I thought I was? So there's this heteronormative fallacy that folks who are attracted to folks of the same gender are by default attracted to everyone of that gender. Being bi doesn't mean that you're attracted to every woman. And not feeling sexually attracted to your friend just means you're not attracted to her in particular. It does not in any way preclude you from being bi. Also it's great to have an abstract fantasy about having a bi threesome, and be interested in trying one if the right situation arises. But it's a bad idea to try to force having one with people you don't find sexually attractive just because the opportunity has come up. That is not a recipe for a fun time. So by saying no to the threesome, you did right by yourself. You honoured your feelings and held your boundaries. Seriously. You should pat yourself on the back or something.
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Dec 18, 2021 06:16
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Marx Headroom posted:Can anyone point me towards resources on sub/dom stuff (safety, establishing boundaries, what's out there etc) that aren't weird and regressive? FetLife's only redeeming quality is that it makes finding your local groups and events relatively easy. You can just type in your city under the events tab and search from there. If you are looking for sub/dom relationship resources, I would check to see if you have a local M.A.s.T. chapter at https://www.mast.net/chapters.php. Even if you are not looking for a 24/7 D/s relationship, these would be the people who could point you in the right direction of what you want. I also have a lot of non-fiction book recommendations on the subject of D/s relationships if anyone is curious.
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Jan 8, 2022 21:27
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I'm very curious about poly relationships and I'm wondering if anyone could point to some good books. I'm particularly interested in books that go into advice on handling the emotional aspect and boundaries in the relationship. I'd like to have a bit of a roadmap and some tools before understanding if its right for me.
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Jan 9, 2022 06:04
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eSporks posted:I'm very curious about poly relationships and I'm wondering if anyone could point to some good books. I'm particularly interested in books that go into advice on handling the emotional aspect and boundaries in the relationship. I'd like to have a bit of a roadmap and some tools before understanding if its right for me. The Ethical Slut is the classic, I found Opening Up by Tristan Taramino to be helpful as well.
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Jan 9, 2022 06:30
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Xand_Man posted:The Ethical Slut is the classic, I found Opening Up by Tristan Taramino to be helpful as well.
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Jan 9, 2022 08:11
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*Taormino (for searchability, not to be a spelling goblin)
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Jan 9, 2022 18:15
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Edit: Problem Solved
Yorkshire Pudding fucked around with this message at 19:08 on Feb 15, 2022 |
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Jan 9, 2022 20:42
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Stop masturbating. Give it like two to three weeks for your dick to adjust to the change in sensations. I've gone through long distance spells with my girlfriend, she's plenty capable of getting me off, but if I've been doing me for a month or two she has to work way harder for it.
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Jan 9, 2022 20:51
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Yes, it's like a lava lamp.
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Yorkshire Pudding posted:Hey sex thread, I have some questions about orgasms. Oh hey, I see myself so hard in this post. Fwiw I’ve found working at being hornier going into the sexual encounter and being as in the moment/expressive of my enjoyment as I can let myself have been my keys to achieving consistent release from sex.
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Jan 9, 2022 20:51
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Yorkshire Pudding posted:Trouble cumming The reason that forgoing masturbation is a typical recommendation for this has nothing to do with horniness; it's that you may have inadvertently trained yourself to cum to only to a very specific set of stimuli; you can do it for yourself no problem but anything besides your typical technique won't work. Avoiding masturbation temporarily gives you a chance to retrain yourself to respond to different stimuli. E:FB. Anything that may help is setting aside a chunk of time w/ your partner where the goal isn't necessarily to cum but simply to focus on sensation and guide your partner through what makes you feel good. You may end up guiding them through something that mirrors your technique, or you might find an entirely new method  Xand_Man fucked around with this message at 21:03 on Jan 9, 2022 |
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Jan 9, 2022 20:58
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Thanks for the tips! I’ll give it a try this week and see if that helps. The other thing is that I have an apartment that is basically a large studio (no doors besides the bathroom), and I have a very needy and annoying dog. I have a dog gate to my bedroom, and our usual method is to give him a treat that will last 20~ minutes. But the second that’s finished he comes to the gate and SCREAMS. And there’s no way to stop him and nowhere to put him. If I crate him he’s just 20 feet away screaming. He freaks out if he can see me but can’t get to me, especially if I’m doing anything. He’s fine if you m behind a door, but that’s not available currently. But that’s a whole separate issue. Can’t wait to move and get some doors.
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Jan 9, 2022 21:45
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Put the dog in the bathroom?
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Jan 9, 2022 22:00
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If you are able to put a dog gate up, can you also tack a blanket up over the doorway as well?
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Jan 9, 2022 22:33
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just both of you cum really really hard and scream louder than the dog 
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Jan 9, 2022 22:47
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