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Loren1350
Mar 30, 2007


When I visit home, my dad's cat is Sweetiepumpkin and I pet her head with my beard.

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SocketWrench
Jul 8, 2012

Oops


When it gets close to feeding time I get right up next to the tank and say "Who's my fat fishes? Who's my fat fishes?! Food time? Food time? Fishy fishy fishy fishy fishy" till they all get swimming in a panic back and forth, i'll start following them at that point and then they stop as soon as I set the food container next to the glass "Hoooooly poo poo it's feeding time at the fishy farms!"

The guinea pig on the other hand is named Squeaker. Though he gets called Piggy and My Little Piggy. Not much baby talk or conversation as he just bolts into his felt forest and squeaks while I change his food bowl, then comes out and tips it over before i can turn around

When I was younger we had a black lab that my old man would sing some gibberish to, each round growing higher in pitch till the lab would start howling along. We were a very creative family, we named the dog "dog".

SocketWrench fucked around with this message at May 29, 2014 around 01:58

LingcodKilla
Dec 28, 2002

I ate too much crab and transformed into this.


"If you take a poo poo while im eating breakfast I'm going to kill you"

cat takes poo poo

Give her some chicken bit treats on my way out the door. Sigh.

I think placing her litter box near the door and also having the breakfast table right there may be my problem.

Baika
Jul 8, 2011

Cap on, apply directly to the rats head.

"Hi rat cats"

"Woah!" - when trying to cling on to something, or when helicopter rat tails occur.

"It's fun getting into trouble!" (from the gameboard commercial).

"Oh mah God!" -when something exciting is happening, like food.

I have converted my fiancee to say these things.

Mirthless
Mar 27, 2011


I frequently talk to my pets like we are in the middle of a torrid affair and I'm having second thoughts.

My wife does this too.

Flaccid Trip
Apr 29, 2008



I've been telling Sheila that since she's turning 5 in a few days, I'm going to trade her in for a newer model cat and telling her that the recall notices I get from GM are about her.

"Sheila, you're old. 5 years old. And I'm gonna trade you in because you're defective. Look at this. Look at all these recall notices. Yup, you're going to the dealership because you're deeeeeefeeeectiiiiiive."

"Meow?"

"See? CD player doesn't even work. All I get is meow noises. Terrible."

Blue On Blue
Nov 14, 2012



Drum posted:

I've been telling Sheila that since she's turning 5 in a few days, I'm going to trade her in for a newer model cat and telling her that the recall notices I get from GM are about her.

"Sheila, you're old. 5 years old. And I'm gonna trade you in because you're defective. Look at this. Look at all these recall notices. Yup, you're going to the dealership because you're deeeeeefeeeectiiiiiive."

"Meow?"

"See? CD player doesn't even work. All I get is meow noises. Terrible."


My cat is around 9-10... does that me she's a vintage model cat?

Content:

Her liter box is right beside the computer desk, so I give her running commentary during her routine

For some reason after she poops, she starts pawing at the sides/front of the box, I think to simulate 'hiding' the poo poo.

So I remind her "Come on that thing isn't a spa, what are you doing in there?!?"

Blue On Blue fucked around with this message at May 29, 2014 around 21:22

bubblelubble
Feb 26, 2013

scribbled out the truth,
paying in naivety.


I've started serenading my cat with "I Swear" by All 4 One, for which I thoroughly blame Jenna Marbles who howled it with her dogs.

obviously I fucked it
Oct 6, 2009


"Who's mummy's little chubblertummy?? WHO HAS A CHUBBLER TUMMY!!!!! *intense belly rubs* Mummy's little chubblertummy wants to be called CHAMPALE!! Champale Champale Champale!!"

None of my dogs are named Champale, that's my dog PT's superhero name.




Some days he's mummy's little superhero.

Babygravy
Jun 12, 2014

I am the gravy


I cast my dog as Darth vader last night and we dueled- I was obi wan. He won.

It was adorable.

Suspect Bucket
Jan 14, 2012

SHRIMPDOR WAS A MAN
I mean, HE WAS A SHRIMP MAN
er, maybe also A DRAGON
or possibly
A MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAM
BUT HE WAS STILL
SHRIMPDOR


Our eldest cat's name is Zoe, but she has the saggiest boobs ever, and was quite overweight at one point, so I call her Lump.
And then, to the Lolipop tune,

Lump-a-dump-dump...
Lumpy dump! Lumpy dump. Zoe zoey lumpy dump.
Lumpy Dump! :boop:

Then there's all sorts of general insults traded with Stanley-Ann, Stanley Danley, Useless Cat Who Talks.

jonathan
Jul 3, 2005


Spouse's cat always greets me at the door. Then she runs to the living room as I'm removing my shoes and rolls around and drags herself on her side around the carpet. I talk to her like a normal human.

If the old lady talks to her though, her tail starts twitching and she will growl and get pissed. Any sort of songs she will sing will cause the cat to either take off or run up and smack at my woman's ankles or face.

Also she is terrified of the MagPie birds in the trees outside, but she will growl and try to chase deer. They are her sworn enemy.

Eifert Posting
Mar 31, 2007

Atkins Diet


Grimey Drawer

I used to sing "My собака" to the tune of "My Sharona" with my hound.

Eifert Posting fucked around with this message at Jul 1, 2014 around 13:03

Iron Crowned
May 6, 2003


Yams Fan

I call my cat "Big Fluff."

If she's complaining "Big Fuss," or alternatively, "the Fuss Bus."

crashdome
Jun 28, 2011


I poke my cats tummy and make fart noises. Sometimes not with my mouth.

Bulky Bartokomous
Nov 3, 2006

In Mypos, only the strong survive.

I tell my new cat that he is Mr Meowington and that he has little pants.

Disco Salmon
Jun 19, 2004


I call my one kitty, Joey, Mr Man cause he is so handsome...and I am often admiring his giant white rabbit feet with big black pads. Therefore he is constantly known as Joeybeans, Jellybelly Belly Boy, Jellybean Toes, and Mr Beans.

He doesn't seem to mind terribly much However, when I am messing with his feet and telling him "You such a little piggly wiggly boy and all your beans go to market..." he tends to give me a look of disdain.

Or disgust.

Not sure which, but he just sighs and rolls his eyes.

Cat Plant
Feb 11, 2007

There used to be green cats but they turned into plants because they slept too much.


I have two foster huskies for the week. I tell them that they are really cats because they just sleep all day.

And that we ARE NOT TRAINING FOR IDITAROD STOP PULLING.

I tell the white husky that she isn't fooling anyone with her suit. That I know she is really a cat wearing a fox suit.

And the grey and white one just gets told that she is the sweetest cookie ever and I love her puppy pants.

ThatGirlAtThatShow
Nov 4, 2013


I chant "Oogie-boogie doggy woggy puppy wuppy BOO!" at my dog whenever I get home. It winds her up, she runs around wigglebutting and barking and flopping down to get belly scritches. I also sometimes feel compelled to tell her she is, indeed, a DOG! "You! Are a! DOGGIE!" style.

I'm surprised she hasn't smothered me in my sleep, actually...

Women's Rights?
Nov 16, 2005

Ain't give a damn


My dog is constantly asked the following questions:
- Why is she so silly?
- Who's a big dumb dog faced dog?
- Who's got the smushiest tumtum?
- Who's a good girl?
- Is that a kitty? Is it? See a kitty? GET THE KITTY?!?

She has yet to provide satisfactory answers for any of these questions, and sometimes I question her commitment to my research in who has the silliest face in the house

Buggiezor
Jun 6, 2011

For I am a cat, you see.


My mom feeds birds and squirrels in the backyard and hates when the neighbor's outdoor cats come into the yard to hunt. So she sends Gypsy her Dachshund out to chase the cats. Knowing full well they'll clear the fence before Gypsy can get them. So she knows the word "cat" and even if someone says it in a normal conversational tone, even in the middle of a sentence, she starts barking and going crazy at the back door.

Sometimes when I'm at my mom's I'll just simply ask "Gypsy? Did you hear any cats?" When she starts barking and mom asks what happened I play dumb.
I also love to babble at her in gibberish because her little head tilts are so freaking cute.
"Are you listening? Are you a listener? You're trying so hard to understand but you can't because you're a dog! Yes! You're a dog! CAT!!" Then I open the backdoor to run after nothing.

Nephzinho
Jan 24, 2008



Women's Rights? posted:

My dog is constantly asked the following questions:
- Why is she so silly?
- Who's a big dumb dog faced dog?
- Who's got the smushiest tumtum?
- Who's a good girl?
- Is that a kitty? Is it? See a kitty? GET THE KITTY?!?

She has yet to provide satisfactory answers for any of these questions, and sometimes I question her commitment to my research in who has the silliest face in the house

I need to stop doing this at the park around people...

While at my parent's over this past weekend I discovered that my dog is completely and utterly baffled by a vuvuzela. Blow one anywhere near him and he will immediately lock up, stare at it, and tilt his head until it stops. Naturally this made my sister in law spend a solid half hour playing with it.

loki k zen
Nov 12, 2011

Keep close the words of Syadasti: 'TIS AN ILL WIND THAT BLOWS NO MINDS. And remember that there is no tyranny in the State of Confusion. For further information, consult your pineal gland.


I regularly used to inform my rabbit that she was older than God and dinosaurs, which for a rabbit, she was.

Mostly however, I developed a special relationship with the semi-retarded cat belonging to my fiance's old housemates when he was my boyfriend and I was practically living at their house. His name is Maddock, but he is invariably referred to as 'Stupid Cat'.

"Who's a stupid cat? You're a stupid cat! You're functionally retarded, aren't you, cat? Why don't you go fellate your brother some more and poop on J's bed, that's a good boy!"

But mostly it was less saying things and more communicating/playing with him in the same language he speaks, which is body language. Leading to me hands-and-knees on the floor playing 'bat each other's paw/hand' or 'touch noses then run away'.

I love that stupid cat.

Hermetic
Sep 7, 2007

by exmarx


I constantly remind my kitten Oskar that he is, in fact "A little mans, yes he is." Sometimes I reinforce this through the Socratic method by asking "Who's my little mans? Is it Mister Oskars?" and allowing him to contemplate this until we mutually decide that "YES! Him's my little mans!"

The philosophical breakthrough is then celebrated with cuddles and a tummy rub.

Naturally, this is all said in an over-exaggerated southern accent.

Freakbox
Dec 22, 2009

Tasted Too Much Rainbow!!!


Time to come out of the lurkwork for this.
Okay, this is terrible, but I make up terrible songs constantly for my cat. Here's one

*sung to the tune of angry birds*

"Gonna touch him,
Gonna rub him,
Gonna pet his fur, Gonna poke his fat!
Gonna fuss him,
Gonna fluff him,
'Cause he's Percival, and he's my cat.
He's my kitty, kitty, kitty kitty cat,
He goes purr purr purr and he's really fat!
He's my kitty, kitty, kitty kitty cat,
And I love him tons, even if he's fat! "

((he is a bit fat- we're working on it with diet and exercise, but I don't wanna fatshame the little guy in the meantime.))

Edit:

Dantu posted:

I tell my new cat that he is Mr Meowington and that he has little pants.

That reminds me of my kitty. His full name is Sir Percival von Puffypants.

Freakbox fucked around with this message at Jul 14, 2014 around 02:53

Account McAccount
Mar 30, 2012
What, I didn't have $5 to change my little pony avatar?


I mew at each of my cats, mimicking their mews. They're all different so I pretty much spend all day mewing.

No Pun Intended
Jul 23, 2007

DWARVEN SEX OFFENDER

ASK ME ABOUT TONING MY FINE ASS DWARVEN BOOTY BY RUNNING FROM THE COPS OUTSIDE THAT ELF KINDERGARTEN

BEHOLD THE DONG OF THE DWARVES! THE DWARVEN DONG IS COMING!


I use my cat's name (Moose) to replace song lyrics; starting with a word and usually ending up replacing every word with Moose. Even if there are no lyrics I will sing his name to the tune.

Blue On Blue
Nov 14, 2012



Freakbox posted:


That reminds me of my kitty. His full name is Sir Percival von Puffypants.

Roo Emily Whisker-kitten III

I don't think she is really the 3rd of her name, but it makes her sound royal

Plus she has a crystal encrusted tuna fish on her collar

Dove from Above
Apr 16, 2007

Snowy! Have you thought about psittacosis?

Well, my cat's name is officially Princess Pearl, and I call her Pearl, Poliwhirl, Perloo, Duchess (I don't know why she gets two titles, she just does), Farty, Bunny and Rabbit. I probably call her Bunny and Rabbit more than anything else.

Conversations I often have with her:
Pearl: (miaows in a whiny voice)
Me: (imitates her sarcastically)

Me: Hello Bunny. Hello Rabbit. Mummy love. Affection. Yes, affection. Attention, attention. Ow. Sit down. No not there. Okay, that's nice. Hold still while I cut this lump out of your fur.

(She won't tolerate being brushed, but she will tolerate having mats snipped out, so that's what I go with.)

But the best was my old cat Meg, who was also known as Baby Jesus, and who had a special song that we sang to her whenever she had to take pills.
'Clever, strong, fighty, bitey, pill-taking little Meg.
(And then you fill in something that rhymes, and you keep going as long as you can, while Meg is just like 'I don't know why I'm getting all this attention, but I'm loving it.')
When you want your dinner, you come to us to beg.
At each corner of your body is a little leg.
Just like Irish fairy tales of the Tylwyth Teg.
(It would get obscure after a while.)

Lucian Tide
Aug 1, 2014


My wife, eldest daughter, and I have entire conversations for our animals which consist of a dog and two cats. It's quite amusing as we have established voices for each of them and we simply ad-lib based on the situation. A common conversation is when the cats are lying in the dogs bed, and proceeds as follows: (The dogs "call" us mom, dad, sister, respectively)

Dog: "Mommmmm, those kitties are lying in my bed again!!"
Mom: "Well, tell them to get out."
Dog: "But mom, they won't listen to me."
Cats: "It is true. We do what we want." (Because cats always do what they want, no matter what)
Dad: "Well bud, I guess you better get viscous with those kitties"
Dog: "But Dad, I love those kitties."
(At this point my eldest daughter will coax the dog into lying on the edge of his bed so that all of our fur babies are together albeit temporarily)
Cats: "This just isn't working out. Let's go scratch everything except the scratching post they bought us."

We love our fur babies!

DicktheCat
Feb 15, 2011



I tell my animals that they're all stupid fat shits and I hate them in the nicest voice.

Dove from Above
Apr 16, 2007

Snowy! Have you thought about psittacosis?

DicktheCat posted:

I tell my animals that they're all stupid fat shits and I hate them in the nicest voice.

I punch my cat in the face in super-slow motion and she rubs her cheek on my knuckles.

marchantia
Nov 5, 2009

WHAT IS THIS

I call my cats Meatcat and Boca Burger. Actual names are Toby and Pickwick. I have no explanations.

mistaya
Oct 18, 2006

Cat of Wealth and Taste


Max is a brown cat with long white fur on the bottom of her muzzle and chest so when she's loafing it looks like she has a Santa Claus beard. So she is randomly told "MAX! Fix your beard!" whenever it's looking floofy.

Sam is a big fatty and I always tell him. "Who's the big fat gross man-cat, YOU ARE! Are you too lazy to even lick yourself you big fat goony cat? You're terrible at being a cat! That's why no one loves you! Nooooobody looooves youuuuuu!" while rubbing him all over and him purring up a storm.

Both of them have learned to Meow in reply whenever I look at them and go "What?! What are you looking at?! What do you want?!" which I do randomly. A lot.

Zsa Zsa Gabor
Feb 22, 2006

I don't do drugs, if I want a rush I just get out of the chair when I'm not expecting it

My cat Dude gets called Duderino, Dudders, Dudelicious and Dudeloid.

I also sing him Sabrina's "Boys Boys Boys", replacing every word in the song with "Dude".

Fortis
Oct 21, 2009



Names I have called my cat Stella:
- Smoosh
- Boof
- Smooshboof
- Smooshy Face
- Booboof
- Boofer
- Smush mush
- Kittenycat
- Boofis

Usually it goes something like:

What'chu doin', boof? What'chu want? Huh?
Did you know... that you are, in fact... a kittenycat? Because you are.
You are a boofy smoosh face floofer. You are my precious kitty girl. Smoooosh.

One time I did this without thinking while on a skype call and they asked me to please stop. Whoops!

Dove from Above posted:

I punch my cat in the face in super-slow motion and she rubs her cheek on my knuckles.

Same.

I will also alternate the floof boof foofydoof talk with talking to her in the plainest/rudest way possible, like asking "What the gently caress do you want?" when she meows or "I'm not giving you any more food, rear end in a top hat." but it usually devolves back into smoosh moosh boofer boof time

bubblelubble
Feb 26, 2013

scribbled out the truth,
paying in naivety.


I've recently taken it upon myself to angrily mew and hiss at my cat so she doesn't feel like the only feline of the house. She usually perks up and looks around for immediate danger, before looking at me with an expression that says, "Are you serious, lady?" I rly should adopt a sibling for her.

Demora
Aug 13, 2004

It wouldn't be the Enterprise without a Sulu at the helm



When my dogs spaz the gently caress out when I come home I tell them they're "full of crazies". They'll spin and zoom and leap and I'll just be like "You're crazy! You're full of crazies!"

If I say this at them throughout the day they will do spins and zooms on command. I've broken my dogs. Willingly.

Moto Punch
Feb 3, 2009


Luna gets a song about her toilet schedule to the tune of 'Smoke Two Joints' by Sublime.

I poo two times in the morning
I poo one time at night
Sometimes I poo in the afternoon
It makes me feel all right

I think she likes it.

Also if I get home from work first I have a conversation with the cats about how their days were and wether they achieved their cat-business goals.

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Bertrand Hustle
Apr 29, 2007

Ah, music to my ears.


I frequently tell Pickle she's a fatty fat kitty butt and the cutest most bestest baby kitty. Nicknames include Pickle-Poo, Fatty-Butt, Kittyface, and Snugglebutt.

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