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Bernard McFacknutah
Nov 13, 2009


I got bottled on duty on Saturday by some cheeky ned bastard, thankfully just one laceration but I nicked the guy, as I was cuffing him on the deck his chavvy slut of a girlfriend comes over and puts the boot in a couple of times.

Was pretty pointless seeing as she was about 7 stone soaking wet and I'm wearing armour, but the female officer who I was with (who was in her 2nd week on the job and hadn't nicked anyone) more or less suplexed her into the pavement. was a beautiful sight to behold. I think I may have to try and goose this one, she's a keeper.

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Bernard McFacknutah
Nov 13, 2009


Hey, we invented the language, it's up to you colonial savages to conform to my standard of English.

Bernard McFacknutah
Nov 13, 2009


Hey, it's a cultural empire now. I hope you are enjoying Piers Morgan and One direction.

Bernard McFacknutah
Nov 13, 2009


Hey, we've still got the Falklands and...er.. Gibraltar.

At least we gave you all the modern Police force, something you should all be grateful for.

Bernard McFacknutah
Nov 13, 2009


University campus SWAT teams and County Sheriff Armored divisions?

I'm pretty sure we supply MET officers to Diego Garcia despite the fact it's rented out to you septics.

Bernard McFacknutah
Nov 13, 2009


Hey, if we want free access to sell smack to your population then you'd better give it to us or we will burn your ports and harbors.

What's that? You aren't happy about it?

Well, we will just have to take Hong Kong as compensation for you complaining about it, thanks.

Bernard McFacknutah
Nov 13, 2009


Kung Fu Fist gently caress posted:

after a brisk morning of subjugating brown people of course

Particularly suitable as they would have been produced and picked by subjugated browns.

Also you yankee simpletons don't deserve the pleasures of loose leaf tea after that atrocity in Boston.

If you absolutely insist on consuming a cup of chai, then I would advise finding the nearest female colleague, demand that she put the kettle on in a demeaning way ("Oi, Tracy, pull your knickers up and put the kettle on, I'm gasping. Cheers, treacle slit.") and then criticize both her tea-making skills and professional integrity ("Bloody hell, looks like you drive a kettle about as well as you drive a loving squad car you dopey bint. Tastes like you took a slash in the cup")

This scenario is repeated on a daily basis in just about every police station in the land.

Bernard McFacknutah
Nov 13, 2009


Depends where you have tea, if by London you mean some tourist trap where they gave you some stale poo poo mixed with unfiltered hard water then it's going to be disappointing. You should go have tea somewhere like the Dorchester (if they let Americans in these days, if not you might have to pretend to be a bit more socially acceptable, maybe a Canadian or Somali) or a Parish teahouse in the suburbs.

Treacle slit is a term of endearment for a woman, like fanny blossom or fancy flaps.

Slash means to pass water.

Bernard McFacknutah
Nov 13, 2009


For a long time, way before I joined but when my father was a copper, the Federation has always attracted the worst officers in to it's ranks as reps. I'm sure it's different in other forces but in the Met they just aren't fit for purpose.

Anyway, there was this incident called plebgate where some officers guarding Downing Street had a pathetic verbal disagreement with a Conservative member of the house of Lords (read: unelected Republican senator), the officers lied about the dialogue and accused the Lord of calling them various classist insults like "Best you learn your loving place. You don't run this loving government.... You're loving plebs." The Lord the stood down and resigned.

It made the national news and the Federation used it as an opportunity to criticize the government over alleged lack of respect and poor treatment of Police officers as a whole. It made the Government look very stupid, then they found out the officers had lied. The Federation was still sticking up for them even after it was proved the officers lied about the whole episode.

On top of a whole slew of bullying, sexism and lying accusations and also general trouble making over the current governments policies the Home Secretary is now doing what all good conservatives do and is smashing our union.

Just as a foot note I'm not allowed to be a member of the Federation because I'm unpaid but I get affected by their counter-productive squabbling all the time. Also the only rep I know is also the only male officer I know that has failed the fitness test. He is a disgusting sham of a man who doesn't deserve to wear the uniform. He was elected because no one else stood against him.

Bernard McFacknutah
Nov 13, 2009


God hates you because you're a sodomite.

Do you have a copper roof or something?

Bernard McFacknutah
Nov 13, 2009


I do it because I watched some female officer get her face smashed in with a brick during the riots. .

Also I have a well paid but very boring day job, I've got no intention of joining full time.

Apparently in the old days Specials in the Met used to get treated like poo poo and were perpetually on crap duties like standing cordon at a sudden death but now we more or less do everything a regular officer does because they are short of numbers. Pretty much 100% of my duty time is spent out on patrol fighting and arresting 'the slag.' I don't mind taking the odd kicking or having poop thrown at me when it feels like you're doing a bit of good.

Bernard McFacknutah
Nov 13, 2009


Someone will probably find Beanieson's battered cum-drenched corpse stuffed in to the crawl-space of his own flat next week. Murdered and raped by the Goony electrical repair guy.

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Bernard McFacknutah
Nov 13, 2009


Why are your houses not made of bricks? At least you don't get storms or hurricanes over there or anything like that....


Also I had my favorite defense for drink driving earlier...refused a roadside test, got him back for a station test where he blew almost triple the limit. His defense, that the fan above the cage in the meat wagon was blowing a mist of alcohol on to him....

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