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The 7th Guest
Dec 17, 2003



All of the pitiful, meaningless sports of the years have all ended, especially baseball, which died and will never recover. They have been discarded, cast aside and buried. For there is only one sport on July 4th. And it's not people kicking some poo poo around on a giant lawn. It's not "training camp", where athletes two hand touch each other and Sean Lee falls to the ground in agony. This is real sport. This is What's Next (tm).



NATHAN’S 98TH ANNUAL 2014 HOT DOG EATING CONTEST
When: July 4th, 12:00 PM ET (ESPN News) 2:00 PM ET Encore (ESPN2)
Where: Coney Island, NYC

The US Men's National Team intentionally exited from Brazil so as not to overshadow the patriotism and American spirit of our country's finest sporting tradition. For one hour, over 15 contestants will eat hundreds of our primary export for a chance at winning the title belt, which grants temporary US presidency for 3 days out of the year. Who will be the Matt Ryan of food that's fryin? The Jack Bauer of Sweet & Sour? The Tony Romo of choking in slow-mo?

There is some question as to whether the event will actually happen on schedule with dangerous weather on the horizon, but these hungry contestants would eat in the harshest conditions. They'd toss away a ham bone at Lambeau. They'd eat chicken alfredo in a tornado. They'd pack away salami in the worst of tsunamis. Here are your American Heroes:


Joey “Jaws” Chestnut
San Jose, CA
6’1”, 225 lbs, 30 y/o

The tomes have spoken. Religions have formed around him. Who can defeat this esophageal hydra? Not Kobayashi, who has continued to sit out in what some would call "contractual dispute" and others would call "shame of defeat". No one has come close to this man's massive metabolism. In his 10th season, Chestnut dares to reach an incredible 70 hot dogs, a feat that would cause all known national sports to be cancelled permanently.

Joey is the:
• World Tamale Eating Champion; 102 tamales in 12 min
• World Twinkie Eating Champion; 121 Twinkies in 6 min
• World Asparagus Eating Champion; 12 lbs 8.75 oz of Deep Fried Asparagus in 10 min
• World Bratwurst Eating Champion; 70 Bratwurst in 10 min
• World Ice Cream Eating Champion; 15 pints Vanilla Ice Cream in 6 min
• World Pulled Pork Slider Eating Champion; 62 sliders in 10 min
• World Hard Boiled Egg Eating Champion; 141 hard-boiled eggs in 8 min

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5qMdA8e7dE

Matt “The Megatoad” Stonie
San Jose, CA
5’8”, 120 lbs, 22 y/o

Stonie, destroyer of baloney, is the biggest challenge for Chestnut yet. The Megatoad has defeated Chestnut three times in the 2013 Major League Eating season, and once this year. He celebrated his 21st birthday by eating 5.5 lbs of birthday cake in less than 9 minutes, a new record. He's the #2 ranked eater in the world, and he hopes that this weekend, the king will be dethroned.

Matt is the:
• World Creek Indian Taco Eating Champion; 32.5 in 8 min
• World Frozen Yogurt Eating Champion; 10.5 lbs in 6 min
• World Gyro Eating Champion; 24 8-oz Gyros in 10 min
• World Gyoza Eating Champion; 268 Day-Lee Foods gyoza in 10 min.
• World Slugburger Champion; 30 Slugburgers in 10 min
• Ate 100 Marshmallow Peeps in 2 minutes

Erik “The Red” Denmark:
Seattle, WA
6’1”, 195 lbs, 36 y/o

• World Native American Fry Bread Eating Champion; 9.75 Fry Breads in 8 min
• World Shrimp Eating Champion; 4 lbs 15 oz of spot shrimp in 12 min
• Major League Eating’s only known Boeing executive
• A spicy foods specialist
• Ate 5 lbs of kimchi in 6 min
• Ate 40 ears of sweet corn in 12 min

Brian “Dud Light” Dudzinski
Phoenixville, PA
6'2”, 190 lbs, 29 y/o

He's the Messi of messy foods, eating 9.75 pints of ice cream in 6 minutes, 7.25 corned beef sandwiches in 10 minutes, and 30 1/2 moon pies in 8 minutes!!

Jeff “The Beast Man” Butler
Cleveland, OH
6’0”, 195 lbs, 31 y/o

The John Brooks of former cooks, and the LA Kings of Chicken Wings, Jeff is never out of a food fight, palm slamming 54 tamales in 10 minutes, 160 gyoza in 10 minutes, and 124 Hooters wings in 10 minutes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gU3jBonhsrQ&t=103s

Tim “Eater X” Janus
New York, NY
5’10”, 170 lbs, 37 y/o

The man of mystery, the dark horse of bratwurst, and the #3 eater in the world. Janus holds the world record for longest burp at 18.1 seconds, which is bound to be broken by a goon on the forums any day now. In addition, he is the:

• World Ramen Noodle Eating Champion; 10.5 lbs in 8 min
• World Sushi Eating Champion; 171 pieces of Nigiri Sushi in 6 min
• World Tiramisu Eating Champion; 4 lbs in 6 min

Adrian “The Rabbit” Morgan
New Orleans, LA
6’1”, 195 lbs, 28 y/o

• World Short-Course Hard-boiled Egg Eating Champion, 20 hard-boiled eggs in 84 seconds, set aboard the USS battleship Fitzgerald
• Won Rouse’s 2014 Crawfish Eating World Championship, 2.7lbs of Crawfish in 10 min
• Placed 2nd in 2014 Acme Oyster Eating World Championship, 30 dozen oysters in 8 min
• Ate 4.25 pounds of catfish in 10 min

Marcos “The Monster” Owens
Hillside, NJ
6’1”, 220 lbs, 26 y/o

The overweight brony of pepperoni, and the #16 eater in the world, Marcos once:

• Ate 144 Hooters chicken wings in 10 min
• Ate 18 Pepperoni Rolls in 10 min
• Ate 31 cannoli in 6 min



Eric “Badlands” Booker
Selden, NY
6’1”, 380 lbs, 45 y/o

The Derek Jeter of Diabeters, Dick Vitale's diaper dandy of candy, Badlands Booker has elite sugar game. Eric is the:

• World Chocolate Candy Bar Eating Champion; 2 lbs in 6 min
• World Glazed Doughnut Eating Champion; 49 in 8 min
• World Corned Beef Hash Eating Champion; 4 lbs in 1 min, 58 secs
• World Green Pea Eating Champion, 9.5 lbs in 12 min

Sean “Flash” Gordon
Downington, PA
6’1”, 240 lbs, 38 y/o

A redemption story for American glory, Sean Gordon failed to qualify for last year's dog derby, but he now has his chance in 2014. He ate 30 moon pies in 8 minutes, but that other guy ate 30 and a half, so COME ON, Sean!!

Yasir Salem
New York, NY
6’0”, 187 lbs, 34 y/o

• World Cannoli Eating Champion; 31.75 cannoli in 6 min
• Finished 2nd in the World Burping Championship with a burp time of 16.3 sec
• Ate 116 chicken wings in 12 min

Aaron “The A-Train” Osthoff
Dubuque, IA
5’11”, 185 lbs, 40 y/o

The 11th ranked eater in the world, A-Train is the Alan Wake of cupcakes, reducing them to a monotonous repetitive task. He's eaten 39 dozen oysters in 8 minutes, a record that has never been beaten because no one else in recorded history has ever considered doing that.

Juan “More Bite” Rodriguez
Las Vegas, NV
5’7”, 170 lbs, 31 y/o

The Major League Eating website claims he "is known on the MLE circuit for his impeccable grooming and attention to hygiene" which I assume means he showers and shaves. He once ate 6.5 lbs ribs in 12 min, but you know what, so could most dudes. I don't even know how much I've eaten once I start.

Pablo Martinez
Visalia, CA
6’0”, 155 lbs, 28 y/o

MLE claims he "bowled a perfect game (300) at the age of 16" and "Investigates the paranormal in his free time" which means he is probably has at least 3 accounts on the Something Awful forums.

Ronnie Hartman
Fort Stewart, GA
6’0”, 210 lbs, 25 y/o

The Nick Folk of egg yolk (40 hard-boiled in 8 minutes), Ronnie bunts pints of ice cream into his mouth like Nate McLouth (10.5 in 6 minutes). MLE claims he wants to become a pro wrestler, so he'd better bring some serious entrance swagger.

Colin Shirlow
Dromore, County Down, Northern Ireland
5’10”, 209 lbs, 58 y/o

The oldest man in the competition, Colin is the Evan Royster of eating oysters, winning the Hillsborough International Oyster Eating Championship in Northern Ireland nine times in a row.


Here are some fun facts about hot dogs:

- They're tasty
- The hot dog is a known cure for at least 3 diseases, including polio
- Under new federal laws, Americans are required to eat at least 2 hot dogs following the conclusion of the event
- Hot dogs will not fill the void in your life, but you can have them with many different condiments
- It's not okay what Brian did to you
- Hot dogs first came to Coney Island in 1870, when Charles Feltman sold sausages in rolls (true history fact)
- The world's longest hot dog is 60 meters! Whoa!! Here's a picture:



Clear your throats, get your dunking cups, and tell France and Germany to suck eggs, because you're going to be watching people sucking weiners. Hundreds of weiners!! It's for a belt.

The 7th Guest fucked around with this message at 07:09 on Jul 4, 2014

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ParliamentOfDogs
Jan 29, 2009

My genre's thriller... What's yours?

I've never watched one of these, what do they do if someone does throw up? Does the camera cut away? Do they each have an individual barf bucket under their chairs or is there a barf trough behind the banquet table?

Eltoasto
Aug 26, 2002

We come spinning out of nothingness, scattering stars like dust.





I can't believe this glorious celebration of freedom is on ESPN2, while a goddamned game of redcoat yellowball plays on the main ESPN. For loving shame ESPN.

FairGame
Jul 24, 2001


The Hot Dog Contest is the best thing July 4 has to offer.

Did you know: When Joey Chestnut wins his 8th consecutive title today, that will give him more than Michael Jordan (7 straight years, then he hosed off to play baseball for a season), Babe Ruth (dude got VD that kept him out of the lineup), or Wayne Gretzky (he tied for the league lead in points with Marcel Dionne in his first of 8 straight seasons).

In other words, Joey Chestnut is the best.

EugeneJ
Feb 5, 2012

by FactsAreUseless


Is Kobayashi doing a remote eating competition again, or does he realize no one cares anymore

Vertical Lime
Dec 11, 2004



Eltoasto posted:

I can't believe this glorious celebration of freedom is on ESPN2, while a goddamned game of redcoat yellowball plays on the main ESPN. For loving shame ESPN.

Actually tennis from redcoatland is on ESPN, redcoat yellowball is on the deuce

To not sound too bitter Chestnut just proposed to his girlfriend and she said yes :3:

The 7th Guest
Dec 17, 2003



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16H5lDPwG94

OrangeKing
Dec 4, 2002

They do play in October!


Over/under on Joey dogs is 69.5? I'm going to be a horrible American and say UNDER.

FairGame
Jul 24, 2001


OrangeKing posted:

Over/under on Joey dogs is 69.5? I'm going to be a horrible American and say UNDER.

Ditto. How hot is it out there?

I don't think he can do it.

The 7th Guest
Dec 17, 2003



Who wouldn't say yes to a man proposing in front of a guy in a hot dog costume and go karts

e: holy poo poo that play by play guy has some rigid wrinkles

e: AMERICAN FLAG AVIATORS

The 7th Guest fucked around with this message at 16:08 on Jul 4, 2014

Banzai 3
May 8, 2007
I'm only here for the weekly 24 bitchfest.


Pillbug

Paul Page is not looking great. Yikes.

FairGame
Jul 24, 2001


The Black Widow lost?

Wow.

sportsgenius86
Jun 17, 2008

THE STREAK IS OVER



gently caress that kid. Joey better kill him

RASHIBA WALLACE
Nov 19, 2002



Morbid Hound

My greatest regret about being out of the country on 4th of July is missing the hot dog eating contest. I'll just have to imagine men guzzling weiners in my mind. Like I always do. i'm gay

sportsgenius86
Jun 17, 2008

THE STREAK IS OVER



Hahahaha this Sports Science thing owns so hard

DriveC
Oct 27, 2008

Going to Gamestop at midnight for Halo: ODST. Didn't pre order. The guy on the phone told me I *might* get a copy. Whatever dude.


holy poo poo this owns haha

The 7th Guest
Dec 17, 2003



Hmm I'm not sure thats scientifically accurate sportsscience man!!!

Eltoasto
Aug 26, 2002

We come spinning out of nothingness, scattering stars like dust.





sportsgenius86 posted:

Hahahaha this Sports Science thing owns so hard

ahaha it's disgusting me before the normal disgust.

try the new taco place
Jan 4, 2004

hey mister... can u play drums while I sing and play plastic guitar???


This Sportsscience segment makes me want to be dead.

OrangeKing
Dec 4, 2002

They do play in October!


poo poo, if I were ever going to be a competitive eater (I would not), that Sports Science segment would have put an end to any desire I had.

FairGame
Jul 24, 2001


oh god after watching that sportscience thing I want to throw up

skaboomizzy
Nov 12, 2003

There is nothing I want to be. There is nothing I want to do.
I don't even have an image of what I want to be. I have nothing. All that exists is zero.

The human body: a miracle of design. Resilient, adaptable.

LET'S JAM 69 HOT DOGS AND BUNS INTO IT HOLY poo poo LOOK AT THAT

sportsgenius86
Jun 17, 2008

THE STREAK IS OVER



Horatio Chanyau is a good forums name tbh

Eltoasto
Aug 26, 2002

We come spinning out of nothingness, scattering stars like dust.





Bow down to the Oyster King

OrangeKing
Dec 4, 2002

They do play in October!


Eltoasto posted:

Bow down to the Oyster King

I bend my knee only to the Lord of Hot Dogs!

sportsgenius86
Jun 17, 2008

THE STREAK IS OVER



Juan "More Bite"

try the new taco place
Jan 4, 2004

hey mister... can u play drums while I sing and play plastic guitar???


That dude totally stole the Daniel Bryan "YES" chant.

sportsgenius86
Jun 17, 2008

THE STREAK IS OVER



:stare:

DriveC
Oct 27, 2008

Going to Gamestop at midnight for Halo: ODST. Didn't pre order. The guy on the phone told me I *might* get a copy. Whatever dude.


listening to 'eat it' I hope

Eltoasto
Aug 26, 2002

We come spinning out of nothingness, scattering stars like dust.





Badlands Booker owns

E: jesus christ 39 dozen oysters in 8 minutes.

OrangeKing
Dec 4, 2002

They do play in October!


Pink Houses is a surprising misuse of a song for July 4th! I mean, you expect Born in the USA at this point.

Eltoasto
Aug 26, 2002

We come spinning out of nothingness, scattering stars like dust.





Would a record today even count? What with the rain and all pre-wetting the buns. I assume it's like the wind gauge in the long jump.

sportsgenius86
Jun 17, 2008

THE STREAK IS OVER



Is there one of these for pretzel M&Ms I can enter?

skaboomizzy
Nov 12, 2003

There is nothing I want to be. There is nothing I want to do.
I don't even have an image of what I want to be. I have nothing. All that exists is zero.

The intros really are the best part of this spectacle.

OrangeKing
Dec 4, 2002

They do play in October!


Joey Chestnut belongs to the people.

Eltoasto
Aug 26, 2002

We come spinning out of nothingness, scattering stars like dust.





Timed Baba O'Riley perfectly, well done intro guy.

try the new taco place
Jan 4, 2004

hey mister... can u play drums while I sing and play plastic guitar???


I'm really hungry.

Eltoasto
Aug 26, 2002

We come spinning out of nothingness, scattering stars like dust.





Pet Rock Band posted:

I'm really hungry.

You won't be in a few minutes!

sportsgenius86
Jun 17, 2008

THE STREAK IS OVER



Hahahaha what the gently caress is Hover Ball

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Eltoasto
Aug 26, 2002

We come spinning out of nothingness, scattering stars like dust.





Stonie is going too hard, too fast

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