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The 7th Guest
Dec 17, 2003

All of the pitiful, meaningless sports of the years have all ended, especially baseball, which died and will never recover. They have been discarded, cast aside and buried. For there is only one sport on July 4th. And it's not people kicking some poo poo around on a giant lawn. It's not "training camp", where athletes two hand touch each other and Sean Lee falls to the ground in agony. This is real sport. This is What's Next (tm).

When: July 4th, 12:00 PM ET (ESPN News) 2:00 PM ET Encore (ESPN2)
Where: Coney Island, NYC

The US Men's National Team intentionally exited from Brazil so as not to overshadow the patriotism and American spirit of our country's finest sporting tradition. For one hour, over 15 contestants will eat hundreds of our primary export for a chance at winning the title belt, which grants temporary US presidency for 3 days out of the year. Who will be the Matt Ryan of food that's fryin? The Jack Bauer of Sweet & Sour? The Tony Romo of choking in slow-mo?

There is some question as to whether the event will actually happen on schedule with dangerous weather on the horizon, but these hungry contestants would eat in the harshest conditions. They'd toss away a ham bone at Lambeau. They'd eat chicken alfredo in a tornado. They'd pack away salami in the worst of tsunamis. Here are your American Heroes:

Joey “Jaws” Chestnut
San Jose, CA
6’1”, 225 lbs, 30 y/o

The tomes have spoken. Religions have formed around him. Who can defeat this esophageal hydra? Not Kobayashi, who has continued to sit out in what some would call "contractual dispute" and others would call "shame of defeat". No one has come close to this man's massive metabolism. In his 10th season, Chestnut dares to reach an incredible 70 hot dogs, a feat that would cause all known national sports to be cancelled permanently.

Joey is the:
• World Tamale Eating Champion; 102 tamales in 12 min
• World Twinkie Eating Champion; 121 Twinkies in 6 min
• World Asparagus Eating Champion; 12 lbs 8.75 oz of Deep Fried Asparagus in 10 min
• World Bratwurst Eating Champion; 70 Bratwurst in 10 min
• World Ice Cream Eating Champion; 15 pints Vanilla Ice Cream in 6 min
• World Pulled Pork Slider Eating Champion; 62 sliders in 10 min
• World Hard Boiled Egg Eating Champion; 141 hard-boiled eggs in 8 min

Matt “The Megatoad” Stonie
San Jose, CA
5’8”, 120 lbs, 22 y/o

Stonie, destroyer of baloney, is the biggest challenge for Chestnut yet. The Megatoad has defeated Chestnut three times in the 2013 Major League Eating season, and once this year. He celebrated his 21st birthday by eating 5.5 lbs of birthday cake in less than 9 minutes, a new record. He's the #2 ranked eater in the world, and he hopes that this weekend, the king will be dethroned.

Matt is the:
• World Creek Indian Taco Eating Champion; 32.5 in 8 min
• World Frozen Yogurt Eating Champion; 10.5 lbs in 6 min
• World Gyro Eating Champion; 24 8-oz Gyros in 10 min
• World Gyoza Eating Champion; 268 Day-Lee Foods gyoza in 10 min.
• World Slugburger Champion; 30 Slugburgers in 10 min
• Ate 100 Marshmallow Peeps in 2 minutes

Erik “The Red” Denmark:
Seattle, WA
6’1”, 195 lbs, 36 y/o

• World Native American Fry Bread Eating Champion; 9.75 Fry Breads in 8 min
• World Shrimp Eating Champion; 4 lbs 15 oz of spot shrimp in 12 min
• Major League Eating’s only known Boeing executive
• A spicy foods specialist
• Ate 5 lbs of kimchi in 6 min
• Ate 40 ears of sweet corn in 12 min

Brian “Dud Light” Dudzinski
Phoenixville, PA
6'2”, 190 lbs, 29 y/o

He's the Messi of messy foods, eating 9.75 pints of ice cream in 6 minutes, 7.25 corned beef sandwiches in 10 minutes, and 30 1/2 moon pies in 8 minutes!!

Jeff “The Beast Man” Butler
Cleveland, OH
6’0”, 195 lbs, 31 y/o

The John Brooks of former cooks, and the LA Kings of Chicken Wings, Jeff is never out of a food fight, palm slamming 54 tamales in 10 minutes, 160 gyoza in 10 minutes, and 124 Hooters wings in 10 minutes.

Tim “Eater X” Janus
New York, NY
5’10”, 170 lbs, 37 y/o

The man of mystery, the dark horse of bratwurst, and the #3 eater in the world. Janus holds the world record for longest burp at 18.1 seconds, which is bound to be broken by a goon on the forums any day now. In addition, he is the:

• World Ramen Noodle Eating Champion; 10.5 lbs in 8 min
• World Sushi Eating Champion; 171 pieces of Nigiri Sushi in 6 min
• World Tiramisu Eating Champion; 4 lbs in 6 min

Adrian “The Rabbit” Morgan
New Orleans, LA
6’1”, 195 lbs, 28 y/o

• World Short-Course Hard-boiled Egg Eating Champion, 20 hard-boiled eggs in 84 seconds, set aboard the USS battleship Fitzgerald
• Won Rouse’s 2014 Crawfish Eating World Championship, 2.7lbs of Crawfish in 10 min
• Placed 2nd in 2014 Acme Oyster Eating World Championship, 30 dozen oysters in 8 min
• Ate 4.25 pounds of catfish in 10 min

Marcos “The Monster” Owens
Hillside, NJ
6’1”, 220 lbs, 26 y/o

The overweight brony of pepperoni, and the #16 eater in the world, Marcos once:

• Ate 144 Hooters chicken wings in 10 min
• Ate 18 Pepperoni Rolls in 10 min
• Ate 31 cannoli in 6 min

Eric “Badlands” Booker
Selden, NY
6’1”, 380 lbs, 45 y/o

The Derek Jeter of Diabeters, Dick Vitale's diaper dandy of candy, Badlands Booker has elite sugar game. Eric is the:

• World Chocolate Candy Bar Eating Champion; 2 lbs in 6 min
• World Glazed Doughnut Eating Champion; 49 in 8 min
• World Corned Beef Hash Eating Champion; 4 lbs in 1 min, 58 secs
• World Green Pea Eating Champion, 9.5 lbs in 12 min

Sean “Flash” Gordon
Downington, PA
6’1”, 240 lbs, 38 y/o

A redemption story for American glory, Sean Gordon failed to qualify for last year's dog derby, but he now has his chance in 2014. He ate 30 moon pies in 8 minutes, but that other guy ate 30 and a half, so COME ON, Sean!!

Yasir Salem
New York, NY
6’0”, 187 lbs, 34 y/o

• World Cannoli Eating Champion; 31.75 cannoli in 6 min
• Finished 2nd in the World Burping Championship with a burp time of 16.3 sec
• Ate 116 chicken wings in 12 min

Aaron “The A-Train” Osthoff
Dubuque, IA
5’11”, 185 lbs, 40 y/o

The 11th ranked eater in the world, A-Train is the Alan Wake of cupcakes, reducing them to a monotonous repetitive task. He's eaten 39 dozen oysters in 8 minutes, a record that has never been beaten because no one else in recorded history has ever considered doing that.

Juan “More Bite” Rodriguez
Las Vegas, NV
5’7”, 170 lbs, 31 y/o

The Major League Eating website claims he "is known on the MLE circuit for his impeccable grooming and attention to hygiene" which I assume means he showers and shaves. He once ate 6.5 lbs ribs in 12 min, but you know what, so could most dudes. I don't even know how much I've eaten once I start.

Pablo Martinez
Visalia, CA
6’0”, 155 lbs, 28 y/o

MLE claims he "bowled a perfect game (300) at the age of 16" and "Investigates the paranormal in his free time" which means he is probably has at least 3 accounts on the Something Awful forums.

Ronnie Hartman
Fort Stewart, GA
6’0”, 210 lbs, 25 y/o

The Nick Folk of egg yolk (40 hard-boiled in 8 minutes), Ronnie bunts pints of ice cream into his mouth like Nate McLouth (10.5 in 6 minutes). MLE claims he wants to become a pro wrestler, so he'd better bring some serious entrance swagger.

Colin Shirlow
Dromore, County Down, Northern Ireland
5’10”, 209 lbs, 58 y/o

The oldest man in the competition, Colin is the Evan Royster of eating oysters, winning the Hillsborough International Oyster Eating Championship in Northern Ireland nine times in a row.

Here are some fun facts about hot dogs:

- They're tasty
- The hot dog is a known cure for at least 3 diseases, including polio
- Under new federal laws, Americans are required to eat at least 2 hot dogs following the conclusion of the event
- Hot dogs will not fill the void in your life, but you can have them with many different condiments
- It's not okay what Brian did to you
- Hot dogs first came to Coney Island in 1870, when Charles Feltman sold sausages in rolls (true history fact)
- The world's longest hot dog is 60 meters! Whoa!! Here's a picture:

Clear your throats, get your dunking cups, and tell France and Germany to suck eggs, because you're going to be watching people sucking weiners. Hundreds of weiners!! It's for a belt.

The 7th Guest fucked around with this message at 07:09 on Jul 4, 2014


The 7th Guest
Dec 17, 2003

The 7th Guest
Dec 17, 2003

Who wouldn't say yes to a man proposing in front of a guy in a hot dog costume and go karts

e: holy poo poo that play by play guy has some rigid wrinkles


The 7th Guest fucked around with this message at 16:08 on Jul 4, 2014

The 7th Guest
Dec 17, 2003

Hmm I'm not sure thats scientifically accurate sportsscience man!!!

The 7th Guest
Dec 17, 2003

The woman behind eater X is wincing and making goofy faces at how gross this is

The 7th Guest
Dec 17, 2003

Pet Rock Band posted:

Hahaha, I love the army guy just kind of casually eating hot dogs on the end.
He just came to get a bite to eat


The 7th Guest
Dec 17, 2003

Now repeating on ESPN2! HOT DOGS

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