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Memento
Aug 25, 2009


Bleak Gremlin
WWE Smackdown Results:

- Seth Rollins starts off the show and gets attacked by Dean Ambrose. Randy Orton makes the save for Rollins, and Roman Reigns shows up to even the odds. Smackdown General Manager Teddy Long lost his job last month, so the four men aimlessly stand in the ring wondering what to do next for almost two hours.

- Big E defeated Cesaro. Cesaro has proven all year that he’s a bulletproof workhorse with instant credibility. He is now also wearing an EYEPATCH, which puts him closer to ‘Boss Of The World’ than ever before. So yeah, of course he curtain-jerks Smackdown and loses to Big E by count-out.

- United States Championship Match: Sheamus defeated Alberto Del Rio. A match result you could see from space.

- Remember the segment from Raw where The Miz returned, Chris Jericho returned to interrupt him and then the Wyatt Family attacked? Smackdown features that same segment but in reverse, with Jericho cutting a promo, The Miz interrupting, Miz getting beaten up and the Wyatt Family doing nothing. It’s one of those things where the guy reporting the spoilers uses the words “big pop” too many times in one paragraph.

- AJ Lee defeated Eva Marie. WELCOME BACK, 2013 DIVAS DIVISION! One of these days, Eva Marie’s gonna spend her two months between matches traveling to Japan to train at a dojo and come back throwing buzzsaw kicks. It’ll be the best thing in the world. Or, you know, she’ll remain employed for four more years and never learn how to convincingly do a headlock.

- Damien Sandow celebrated July 4 by dressing up as Bruce Springsteen and singing ‘Born in the USA.’ Guessing Zeb Colter told him that was a pro-USA song. He was interrupted by Lana and Rusev, who (spoiler alert) SOMEWHAT DISLIKE AMERICA. According to live reports from fans in attendance, Lana suggested that Russia was “better” than the U.S. and that a “Vladimir Putin” was worthy of praise. I can’t substantiate those reports at this time.

Also because July 4, Rusev is interrupted by Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter, who are still hateful racists but at least they’re saying 50% of America sucks instead of 100. Jokes were made and chants were had.

- Dean Ambrose defeated Randy Orton (by disqualification, don’t get excited). In a world where we’d HOLD ON A MINUTE and be PLAYERS this would’ve been a tag team match. As it stands, though, it’s just Ambrose vs. Orton with Seth Rollins running in to blast Ambrose with the Money in the Bank briefcase and draw a DQ. Roman Reigns once again runs down and makes the save, and once again a tag team match is not made. Are these shows supposed to generally manage themselves?

And that’s our show!

If you like the Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers report, let us know in the comments section below. Also, be sure to speculate wildly about everything you’ve read. WWE Battleground is coming up in a few weeks, which means OF COURSE they’re doing a War Games match, right? “They’re gonna do a War Games match” is usually a good prediction.

WWE Raw results:

- Roman Reigns opened the show talking about the fatal fourway match at Battleground and was interrupted by Kane. Kane and Reigns fought until referees tried to pull them apart. A bunch of referees and agents (including Fit Finlay!) got beaten up.

1. The Wyatt Family defeated The Usos. This was a non-title match. Luke Harper got the pin for his team with a discus clothesline. After the match, the Usos complained about the referee mixing up which Uso was legal.

2. Alicia Fox vs. Nikki Bella was a No Contest. The stipulation was that both Divas would have one hand tied behind their back for some reason. Alicia refused to have her hand tied and beat Nikki up. She poured Red Bull on her, and … I think that was the finish.

3. Rusev defeated Rob Van Dam. Rusev won by submission with The Accolade.

4. Randy Orton defeated Dean Ambrose. Orton countered Ambrose’s rebound lariat into an RKO for the pin.

5. Alberto Del Rio defeated Dolph Ziggler. Fandango was on color commentary. Del Rio won with a kick to the head when Ziggler was distracted by Fandango’s dancing.

- Bret Hart made an appearance and talked up the Montreal crowd. Damien Sandow interrupted, dressed as Hart. Bret punched him.

6. Sheamus defeated Damien Sandow. Sheamus won with a Brogue Kick.

7. Chris Jericho defeated The Miz. Jericho won by submission with the Walls of Jericho. After the match, Bray Wyatt cut a promo on Jericho from a rocking chair.

8. AJ Lee and Paige defeated The Funkadactyls. Cameron refused to tag in for most of the match. Once she did, Paige pinned her almost immediately with the Paige Turner. After the match, the Funkadactyls brawled amongst themselves.

9. Kofi Kingston defeated Cesaro. Kofi won with a roll-up. Cesaro tried to attack Kofi after the match, but Big E made the save.

10. Bo Dallas defeated El Torito. Bo won with a Bo-dog (using the second rope instead of the top).

11. John Cena defeated Seth Rollins. Randy Orton and Kane interfered, ending the match. Roman Reigns made the save for Cena, Superman punching Orton, but Rollins jumped him from behind. Rollins then knocked out Cena with the Money in the Bank briefcase. He once again tried to cash in, but Dean Ambrose once against stopped him.

After all of that, Randy Orton tried to sneak attack Cena, but Cena Attitude Adjusted him. Kane then tried to attack Cena, but Roman Reigns speared him. Reigns and Cena held up each others’ hands.

All results and recaps stolen from Uproxx. Apparently RAW was good. Talk about it here why not!

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Strawberry Panda
Nov 4, 2007

Breakfast Defecting, Slow Dick Touching, Root Beer Barreling SwagVP
First time watching Raw live in a while and it was a pretty decent show!

Pistol Packin Poet
Nov 5, 2012

Everyone needs an
escape goat!
good raw even better monday night wars preview

Tato
Jun 19, 2001

DIRECTIVE 236: Promote pro-social values
I really liked that RAW. Almost every segment either introduced/furthered an angle or gave wrestlers a chance to show some actual character to the audience. Even though some of them are stupid, they even seem to be giving storylines to an assortment of midcard wrestlers and giving me a reason to care about the matches. I don't care if the Fandango stuff is stupid, it's a story! Fandango/Ziggler, Ambrose/Rollins, Rusev/Swagger, Usos/Wyatts, Jericho/Bray - there's an actual midcard for the next PPV that makes me interested.

I particularly enjoyed seeing Ambrose get to develop his character more during his match with Orton, he looked like a total crazy badass even though he lost. Still loving him loving up Rollins' cash in attempts and hope it continues for some time. I also enjoyed The Miz's new Titantron and found his new character traits pretty amusing, even if seems pretty Tyler Breezeish.

I also didn't miss The Authority one drat bit.

Sockser
Jun 28, 2007

This world only remembers the results!




Best ending to a raw in years.

Everyone cheering Reigns and then immediately booing Cena. Fantastic.

SamuraiFoochs
Jan 16, 2007




Grimey Drawer

Pistol Packin Poet posted:

good raw even better monday night wars preview

This and anyone who doesn't sign up for the Network is A Butt IMO. It's a steal, and if people sign up it stabilizes/validates the business model, guarantees good content, and keeps the price steady. Everyone wins.

loving loved how the end of Raw showcased Ambrose, Rollins and Reigns. And Raw fading out to massive Cena boos as Roman smirked at him was incredible.

Beef Jerky Robot
Sep 20, 2009

"And the DICK?"

Was the Cena/Rollins match anywhere as good as their last one?

oatgan
Jan 15, 2009

Beef Jerky Robot posted:

Was the Cena/Rollins match anywhere as good as their last one?

it felt like it was building to something great but they didn't have a finish for obvious reasons. The work was good but it's hard recommending you track down a match that's just a tease of things to come.

Dimebags Brain
Feb 18, 2013





I have no clue what they're doing with Cesaro. Other than that and the lack of Daniel Bryan kneeing people in the face, Raw was pretty good. Fading out on Cena getting massive boos will always be hilarious.

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?

I know this was a good Raw because when Cena/Seth Rollins started I looked at the time and was surprised to see that over 2.5 hours had gone by already.

Static Rook
Dec 1, 2000

by Lowtax
Weird silence from the announcers at the end. Probably all went deaf from Vince screaming to cut the feed before the Cena boos.

Pistol Packin Poet
Nov 5, 2012

Everyone needs an
escape goat!

one of the legitimate funniest things i've seen on raw, though not as funny as Stardust's debut

mkay0
Nov 7, 2003

I crawled the earth, but now I'm higher
2010, watch it go to fire
Someone explain to me why Orton went over Ambrose

DingoSlasher
Jul 25, 2013

It's a day job.
I just can't get over how perfect El Torito sold this.

Bard Maddox
Feb 15, 2012

I'm just a sick guy, I'm really just a dirty guy.

mkay0 posted:

Someone explain to me why Orton went over Ambrose

Orton is in the title match at the next PPV and needs to look strong since he hasn't had many wins lately and is still one of the biggest stars that the WWE employs

Strawberry Panda
Nov 4, 2007

Breakfast Defecting, Slow Dick Touching, Root Beer Barreling SwagVP

mkay0 posted:

Someone explain to me why Orton went over Ambrose

Orton wrestled better than Ambrose, duh.

Professor Funk
Aug 4, 2008

WE ALL KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN
Can someone explain what is going on with Cesaro?

Shima Honnou
Dec 1, 2010

The Once And Future King Of Dicetroit

College Slice

Professor Funk posted:

Can someone explain what is going on with Cesaro?

He's on the bullet train to Jobbersville, where he will become the Swiss Guard of jobbers.

mkay0
Nov 7, 2003

I crawled the earth, but now I'm higher
2010, watch it go to fire

Professor Funk posted:

Can someone explain what is going on with Cesaro?

Losing streak, will turn face when Paulie dumps him for Brock

TEGGS
Nov 21, 2004

Spoony Bard!

I can't believe I missed a Bo/Torito match. :(

NienNunb
Feb 15, 2012

Dean Ambrose should be in the fatal four way match. As the champion. He should have all the championships. He should be like UltimoThe Ultimate Dragon and carry around like 10 belts at a time. In a trash bag.

Happy birthday to me!

Ragnarok the Red
Jun 21, 2002

Professor Funk posted:

Can someone explain what is going on with Cesaro?

Vince in charge again probably has him back on the jobber train and it's sad.

NienNunb posted:

Dean Ambrose should be in the fatal four way match. As the champion. He should have all the championships. He should be like UltimoThe Ultimate Dragon and carry around like 10 belts at a time. In a trash bag.

He'd make a fortune in engine degreaser sponsorships to keep all those belts shiny and well maintained.

Shine
Feb 26, 2007

No Muscles For The Majority

Bowned.

Static Rook
Dec 1, 2000

by Lowtax

NienNunb posted:

Dean Ambrose should be in the fatal four way match. As the champion. He should have all the championships. He should be like UltimoThe Ultimate Dragon and carry around like 10 belts at a time. In a trash bag.

Happy birthday to me!

This but with Bo.

Happy Bo-thday!

MassRafTer
May 26, 2001

BAEST MODE!!!
I didn't get to see the MNW preview but holy poo poo from a recap it looks like the history is horrible. Trying to act like Luger leaving the WWF was a surprise to the company is amazing. He gave notice of the contract breach in August and they began writing him out. Sounds like they still have no idea why Turner wanted to replace WWF programming on TBS and a bunch of other things but it's hard to say for sure based on a recap. I at least kind of get why they spin the TBS thing this way because it avoids the fact Watts was killing their ratings, but the Luger story makes them look dumber.

Thauros
Jan 29, 2003

MassRafTer posted:

I didn't get to see the MNW preview but holy poo poo from a recap it looks like the history is horrible. Trying to act like Luger leaving the WWF was a surprise to the company is amazing. He gave notice of the contract breach in August and they began writing him out. Sounds like they still have no idea why Turner wanted to replace WWF programming on TBS and a bunch of other things but it's hard to say for sure based on a recap. I at least kind of get why they spin the TBS thing this way because it avoids the fact Watts was killing their ratings, but the Luger story makes them look dumber.

Yeah, there was enough poo poo that I could tell was bullshit and I'm not an expert on 1995 wrestling. For something minor and stupid they got wrong and I have no idea why they blamed the Dog Show for preempting Raw against the first Nitro when it was the US open.

If you have the time give it a watch, if Dave doesn't give a run down of the bullshit you're probably the best guy here to so.

RagingHematoma
Apr 19, 2004

Goiters can be beautiful too!
Little johnny russo

MassRafTer
May 26, 2001

BAEST MODE!!!

Thauros posted:

Yeah, there was enough poo poo that I could tell was bullshit and I'm not an expert on 1995 wrestling. For something minor and stupid they got wrong and I have no idea why they blamed the Dog Show for preempting Raw against the first Nitro when it was the US open.

If you have the time give it a watch, if Dave doesn't give a run down of the bullshit you're probably the best guy here to so.

Wow, that's so lazy. It's good to see how little effort they are putting into this. Really gives me faith in the Network.

Luigi Thirty
Apr 30, 2006

Emergency confection port.

RagingHematoma posted:

Little johnny russo



I'm so glad he discovered Twitter and now he livetweets both Raw and Impact.

YourHumbleMessiah
Oct 11, 2005




More Fandango on commentary please.

Daniel Bryan
May 23, 2006

GOAT

MassRafTer posted:

I didn't get to see the MNW preview but holy poo poo from a recap it looks like the history is horrible. Trying to act like Luger leaving the WWF was a surprise to the company is amazing. He gave notice of the contract breach in August and they began writing him out. Sounds like they still have no idea why Turner wanted to replace WWF programming on TBS and a bunch of other things but it's hard to say for sure based on a recap. I at least kind of get why they spin the TBS thing this way because it avoids the fact Watts was killing their ratings, but the Luger story makes them look dumber.

The Luger thing is spun as "that derned evil Ted Turner and Dubya See Dubya" MADE him do it. Luger says he felt forced into breaching.

MassRafTer
May 26, 2001

BAEST MODE!!!

Daniel Bryan posted:

The Luger thing is spun as "that derned evil Ted Turner and Dubya See Dubya" MADE him do it. Luger says he felt forced into breaching.

WCW actually gave him a really crummy first offer and only upped it when they decided to make him full time, so yeah that's bullshit. (It's funny because this is one of the few stories Bischoff almost gets right.)

UltimoDragonQuest
Oct 5, 2011



Luger being a surprise is the best bullshit story. WWE media, Eric's book, and Luger's book all insist that's what happened.

skaboomizzy
Nov 12, 2003

There is nothing I want to be. There is nothing I want to do.
I don't even have an image of what I want to be. I have nothing. All that exists is zero.
This whole era is new to me because I didn't start watching again until about 1997-98. I realize that all sides are going to bullshit their own histories, but I'm invested in this series to see a lot of this footage for the first time and try to imagine how mind-blowing it all was.

GrimGypsy
Mar 27, 2007

The Fandango love triangle, Bo being Bo, and Ambrose could be 100% of Raw and I'd be happy.

Also the start-to-middle of the Monday Night Wars Era was pretty drat awesome, and that doc looks pretty good. Everyone should check it out, even the apologist types mired in some sort of weird Stockholm syndrome with the current sterilized product.

GrimGypsy fucked around with this message at 07:28 on Jul 8, 2014

SamuraiFoochs
Jan 16, 2007




Grimey Drawer

MassRafTer posted:

Wow, that's so lazy. It's good to see how little effort they are putting into this. Really gives me faith in the Network.

Don't take this the wrong way MRT as I love your posts here and I know you're our resident WCW historian and everything but watching it without feeling the need to dissect what's bullshit and what's not it was really good and not low effort whatsoever. The production on the thing was absolutely top notch, with them actually occasionally doing side-by-side segments with ratings and poo poo. I get being irritated about the inconsistencies on the Luger thing but getting mad that they dare say it was the dog show that preempted it rather than the US Open seems a little much. Besides, it is so loving worth it to hear Keith David say with almost total disdain "Westminster Dog Show".

I mean maybe I'm just a different type of viewer, or maybe I give less of a gently caress because I was never ever a fan of WCW, but as an example, I found it head and shoulders above Rise And Fall of WCW. This was the first part of I believe what's to be a 20 part series, and other than some inconsistencies perhaps, it seemed to me, at least for the early stages, to be rather candid and much less revisionist. They have Vince on camera straight up saying "The second I saw Nitro I knew we were in for a fight", and they talked about the WWF/E doing the skits making fun of WCW in a way that was literally them saying "We were desperate and stooped to this." Not to mention it was pretty awesomely thorough in general in terms of background and cool footage and we haven't even gotten to the real meat of it yet.

Push El Burrito
May 9, 2006

Soiled Meat
Can't wait for the Borito tag team.

Trip Larsen
Oct 4, 2006

My great-grandfather started Larsen Pork Products with little more than three pigs and a killing hammer. Today, I'm proud to say, we kill more pigs than pig hepatitis.
I'm pretty bummed about Santino. I will miss the Cobra. :(

Delsaber
Oct 1, 2013

This may or may not be correct.

Carver Crisis posted:

I'm pretty bummed about Santino. I will miss the Cobra. :(

Don't worry, it'll be left to Emma. Double Cobra.

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The Landstander
Apr 20, 2004

I stand on land.
Raw actually feels like it's full of storylines and feuds to the largest extent in awhile, I like it. Even a mild soap opera storyline can make a guy like Fandango fun again. Only concern is Cesaro, because I don't get what the end game is there.

I laughed at Jerry Lawler calling Rob Van Dam a young man.

Also, it feels like there's a self-consciousness to the Cena crowd reactions that hasn't usually been there. Why else have that showdown with Reigns - in front of a Canadian crowd where the reaction was fully predictable? And stuff like having Cole repeatedly say that Cena is the best WWE champion of all time? It's almost like they're asking for it. I'm not predicting a heel turn or anything (what would even be the point), and maybe I'm seeing something when nothing is there, but it feels different this time.

Also:

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