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[SCENE: George and Jerry at their usual seats in the diner] GEORGE: So I met this girl last night. JERRY: Online? GEORGE: Of course, online! Do you think I could go out to bars like this? [George makes a series of motions exaggerating his porcine features as the audience laughs] JERRY: Are you sure it was a girl this time? GEORGE: Yes, I checked out her Facebook and everything! JERRY: Go on. GEORGE: She's smart, she's funny, and she just so happens to be one of the biggest women's rights activists in the city! God, she's wonderful, Jerry! Wonderful! [Jerry raises his eyebrow expectantly.] JERRY: But... GEORGE: ...But, she wants me to go... [George mumbles incoherently] JERRY: Go steady? Go outside? Go away? [More laughter from the audience] GEORGE: Dashcon, Jerry! She wants me to take her to Dashcon! [Jerry feigns surprise] JERRY: No! The Tumblr convention? GEORGE: The very same! JERRY: Well, you gotta break up with her! GEORGE: And ruin my only chance at happiness? JERRY [Dismissive]: If you call that happiness. [Suddenly, Kramer spins through the doorway, propelled by some unseen force, as if shoved. The audience laughs and applauds.] KRAMER: Hey, have any of you guys seen my Google Glass? [Kramer steps over George and helps himself to a piece of Jerry's toast] JERRY: Excuse you. KRAMER [Through a mouthful]: The Glass, Jerry! JERRY: We haven't seen your stupid Google Glass, Kramer. Why don't you keep all your nice things at home like Georgie boy and his Tumblrfem girlfriend over here. KRAMER: You're dating a Tumblr feminist? Ohh boy, you better be careful, George. They're having a convention downtown tomorrow. I passed by the ticket booth on the way here and they almost castrated me. They're animals down there, George! Animals! GEORGE: But this my be my only chance at happiness! KRAMER: Yeah, if you call that happiness. JERRY: Thank you. [Audience laughs as George puts his head into his eggs Benedict, synthesized bass notes signaling the end of scene] |
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Jul 15, 2014 00:34
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| # ? Apr 23, 2024 09:43 |
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George discovers futa, Kramer moves on to dogecoin |
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Jul 15, 2014 00:39
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[scene opens in Jerry's apartment with Jerry and George. Elaine walks in dragging a large box] Elaine: "Jesus Jerry what the hell is this? This package was outside in your lobby." [Jerry peeks at the label] Jerry: "I didn't order anything, and the return label is in...Chinese? Japanese? I can't read it." [George shrugs] George: "Maybe someone stole your identity? Either way, you should open it up and see what it is." [Jerry puts the box down and goes rummaging through some drawers] Jerry: "Where are my scissors? Did Kramer borrow them again?!" [Elaine sighs and plops down on the couch] Elaine: "Ugh, they are working me to the bone! The deadlines are killing me. I haven't even had time to get groceries, I just keep getting take out!" George: "I can tell, you look a little bloated from all the sodium" [Elaine groans and runs to look in the mirror in Jerry's bathroom] Elaine: "Ugh I look awful, I've barely slept and I've even resorted to using Tinder for dates." Jerry: "Tinder? What is that some sort of dating service?" [Elaine comes back into the front room] Elaine: "Ugh, I wish. It's just a bunch of 23 year olds who message you at 2 in the morning asking to smash." George: "Smash?" Elaine: "Smash! Who the hell says smash?! It sounds so violent! Jerry: "Can you imagine? Hey, it's 2 AM you want to come over to my place and smash? Can't they use something less forceful. Maybe say...rock? Let's rock!" George: "Rock?!" Elaine: "Rock, what is this the 70s? Let's rock bro hur hur hur" [Door opens up and Kramer slides in, laugh track] Kramer: "Hey I see you got my package!" Jerry: "Your package? It was addressed to me!" Kramer: "I know, I couldn't use my name on it. That's a well known Japanese company and there's a few Japanese people in the building." Jerry: "What the hell is it?" [shakes box] "It's gotta be at least 50 pounds!" [Kramer tears the box open and unwraps some plastic] Kramer: "65 pounds, actually. 65 pounds of lifelike polyurethane. It's a real doll!" [Kramer turns the real doll around to face everyone. George jumps back in fright.] George: "Jesus!" Elaine: "A real doll?" Kramer: "A real doll." Jerry: "How can a doll be real? It can't be both! It can only be real, or a doll. Saying real doll is an oxymoron!" Kramer: "It's great! It feels real, it looks real, and you never have to worry about her complaining you don't clean!" [Kramer waggles his eyebrow and nudges George with the doll's arm. George recoils in terror] "If you'll excuse me, we've got to do some....getting to know each other." |
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Jul 15, 2014 00:56
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5'd and subscribed |
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Jul 15, 2014 01:02
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[scene opens up with Kramer sitting on a Central Park bench with his real doll, his arm draped over her.] Kramer: "Wow what a wonderful sunset, but we better get going our reservations are for 8!" [Kramer heaves the real doll over his shoulder and starts walking away when two cops walk up, hands on their weapons] Cop 1: "Hey buddy we got some complaints about you messing with some passed out girl" Cop 2: "Put her down now and step back. Keep your hands where I can see them." [Kramer's eyes go wide as he shakes his hands frantically reaching into his jacket pocker] Kramer: "No, wait you don't understand, I've got the receipt here she's.." Cop 1: "HE'S GOING FOR A WEAPON" Cop 2: "I GOT HIM!" [Cop 2 pulls out a taser and zaps Kramer, who drops the real doll and falls to the ground convulsing wildly] [Cop 1 goes over and checks on the fallen realdoll] Cop 1: "What the hell, it's some sort of mannequin? What kind of sicko are you?" [Kramer stops convulsing and groans, his pants covered in growing dark stains as he soils himself] Kramer: "Not...mannequin...realdoll..." [laugh track scene cuts out with bass line in the background] |
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Jul 15, 2014 01:20
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Colonel Wood posted:[scene opens up with Kramer sitting on a Central Park bench with his real doll, his arm draped over her.] A+ |
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Jul 15, 2014 01:52
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george walks in to jerry's apartment shaking his head. youll never guess what happened just now, jerry. jerry slowly looks up from his newspaper, takes a sip of coffee, geroge is visibly impatient jerry: "well?" george: so i was on the train, reading byob on my phone... jerry: again with the byob george? geroge: ITS A NICE PLACE TO CHILL, JERRY jerry, hands in the air: okay, okay george: so ANYWAY, i'm browsing the yob, and i click on a new thread, and the op is just a picture of goatse jerry, gesticulating for george to go on: the man with the stretched open anus, right, right... george: the woman beside me picked that SPLIT SECOND to look over and sees the goatse jerry, in disbelief: no... george: I mean it's rude to look at someone's phone ANYWAY isn't it jerry? ISNT THAT A BREACH OF SOCIAL PROTOCOL? |
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Jul 15, 2014 05:38
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[JERRY'S APARTMENT, George sits on the cough while Jerry is making something in the kitchen.] George: I'm telling ya, Jerry, it's the apex of entertainment! Thousands of minds coming together to share their thoughts! Jerry: I don't know, George, it just seems kind of... enh. *shrugs* George: They even solve crimes. And it's really funny! You should have seen the picture of the good-looking marathon runner guy. Jerry: Aren't most people who run long distance races... fit? George: No no, I'm telling you, this man was gorgeous. We reposted that picture for months and months. I laughed every single time. EVERY TIME, JERRY. [Kramer enters from door, bounding in.] Kramer: 'Jerry! I need a sharp knife. And a prescription for synthetic estrogen, PRONTO!' Jerry: '*flummoxed* I can't write prescriptions Kramer! What's all this then?' Kramer: 'Oh, it's my new thing Jerry. It's great. I'm a woman in a man's body. I figured it all out, it's gonna be great. EVERYBODY loves a transgender person, it can't fail. I'm gonna be swimming in pussy Jerry.' Jerry: '*aside* Well, at least one pussy...' George: 'Kramer, I've read up about this online and I think you're going about it wrong. You'd be diminishing the cause of Men's Rights! Here, let me tell you about the red pill. Just thing you need, Kramer, fix you right up.' |
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Jul 15, 2014 07:03
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beer pal posted:george walks in to jerry's apartment shaking his head. |
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Jul 15, 2014 07:44
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GEORGE is typing furiously at JERRY'S computer. JERRY enters. GEORGE: I've got the perfect post for this thread in GBS. JERRY, disinterested: Oh yeah? JERRY crosses over to the kitchen, and opens the fridge. GEORGE hits the enter key and stands up, proud. GEORGE: Yeah, perfect! GOLDMINE! GEORGE walks out of the room, and JERRY walks to computer after GEORGE leaves. JERRY: I wonder what his joke was... JERRY moves mouse and looks at the screen. GEORGE has a single forums post with the word "friend of the family." |
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Jul 15, 2014 07:55
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CAT BRUSH posted:GEORGE is typing furiously at JERRY'S computer. JERRY enters. jesus lmfao |
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Jul 15, 2014 08:42
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[JERRY'S APARTMENT] Jerry: I don't know George, I think the whole CONCEPT of dubstep is just boring. George: It's not boring Jerry. IT'S MY LIFE!!! *laughter* *door opens suddenly with a slam, COSMO KRAMER enters* *applause* Kramer: Jerry! How much money do you have in this house right now?? Jerry: Cash money, in this house? You realise we live in New York right? *laughter* Kramer: Oh ha-ha-ha Jerry. Seriously though, one thousand? Two thousand? *slyly* come ooon, you're a professional comedian. You must be raking it in! *laughter* Jerry: I think I have about fifty bucks on me. Kramer: Well that's perfect! NEWMAN! Get in here! *NEWMAN enters through the still open door, grinning* Jerry: Hello, Newman. Newman: Hello, Jerry. *laughter* Jerry: What is this Kramer? Why did you invite him? *Newman and Kramer produce automatic rifles* Newman: Get on the loving ground, Jerry. Kramer: Do it Jerry, don't gently caress with him. He's a wild motherfucker. *JERRY raises his hands and backs up. GEORGE follows suit.* Jerry: Woah, woah woah! What's the meaning of this! Newman: I'm going to tie you up and gently caress your pussyboy mouth, Jerry. I'll gently caress your toy over there as well. *NEWMAN licks his lips and stares at GEORGE* Kramer: gently caress Newman, you said it wasn't going to get real. Newman: It IS real, Kramer! It's as real as it will ever loving get! Now get out that cocaine. *NEWMAN looks at JERRY* Newman: And you take off your pants before I decide to cap you and gently caress you a new rear end in a top hat. *laughter* |
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Jul 15, 2014 09:49
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beer pal posted:george walks in to jerry's apartment shaking his head. |
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Jul 15, 2014 10:49
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WetNightmare posted:KRAMER: It's all about the prostate, Jerry. Stay with me on this one. The prostate is a walnut-sized gland located between the bladder and the penis. Still with me so far? Good. It's in front of the rectum -- literally up your butt *makes wild spiral with hands; whistles* and around the corner. Now when that little baby is tapped, *Kramer spasms entire body dramatically* oOOoo boy. It's the p-(*makes popping noise with mouth*)-rostate or it just ain't. I'm a real "prostate man". |
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Jul 15, 2014 11:30
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A fan, if you will.|
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CAT BRUSH posted:GEORGE is typing furiously at JERRY'S computer. JERRY enters. Lol |
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Jul 15, 2014 13:15
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George enters Jerry's apartment, hectic, stops for a moment, squints, shakes his head, then goes over to Jerry, sitting on the counter drinking a soda. George: Jerry. Jerry, disinterested: George. George, stern: Byob. Jerry: Byob, George. George: Byob Jerry, Byob! Jerry: What's it this time? George: You won't believe it. Jerry: Oh I'm sure I will believe it. You just have to tell me first. George: No Jerry, you will not believe it. I don't know where I'm going with this |
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Jul 15, 2014 13:26
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GEORGE: See, this should be a forum. This is the forum. JERRY: What? GEORGE: This. Just posting. JERRY: (dismissing) Yeah, right. GEORGE: I'm really serious. I think that's a good idea. JERRY: Just posting? Well what's the forum topic? GEORGE: It's about nothing. JERRY: No topic? GEORGE: No forget the topic. JERRY: You've got to have a topic. GEORGE: Who says you gotta have a topic? Remember when we were high as gently caress that one time, just staring at the blue wallpaper and telling each other to "chill" over and over again?? That could be a forum. JERRY: And who moderates the forum? Who are the IK's? GEORGE: I could be an IK. JERRY: You? GEORGE: Yeah. I could have a dead president on a crudely drawn reptile's body for an avatar. JERRY: So, on the forum, you get to make moderating decisions? GEORGE: Yeah. There's something wrong with that? I'm a natural IK. People are always saying to me, "You know you're such a loving idiot you might be the kind of idiots." JERRY: And who else is moderating? GEORGE: Elaine could be a IK. Kramer.. JERRY: Now he's a natural IK. I just hope he doesn't start posting about his kids' constipation. (Pause) So everybody I know is an IK on the forum. GEORGE: Right. JERRY: And it's about nothing? GEORGE: Absolutely nothing. JERRY: So you're saying, I go in to Lowtax, and tell him I got this idea for a forum about nothing. GEORGE: We go to Lowtax. JERRY: "We"? Since when are you an admin? GEORGE: (Scoffs) Admin. We're talking about a forum that lets Ralp ban people. JERRY: You want to go with me to Lowtax? GEORGE: Yeah. I think we really go something here. JERRY: What do we got? GEORGE: An idea. JERRY: What idea? GEORGE: An idea for the forum. JERRY: I still don't know what the idea is. GEORGE: It's about nothing. JERRY: Right. GEORGE: Everybody's posting about something, we'll post about nothing. JERRY: So, we go to Lowtax, we tell him we've got an idea for a forum about nothing. GEORGE: Exactly. JERRY: He says, "What's the forum topic?" I say, "Nothing." GEORGE: There you go. (A moment passes) JERRY: (Nodding) I think you may have something there. |
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Jul 15, 2014 15:36
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Jett posted:GEORGE: See, this should be a forum. This is the forum. |
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Jul 15, 2014 15:39
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Jett posted:GEORGE: See, this should be a forum. This is the forum. |
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Jul 15, 2014 15:41
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Kramer finds a loophole around twitter's 140 character rule and gains 8 million followers. George's girlfriend breaks up with him after a hacker spams his facebook friends with penis enlargement ads. George finally breaks into FYAD.
playground tough fucked around with this message at 16:07 on Jul 15, 2014 |
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Jul 15, 2014 16:05
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Jett posted:GEORGE: See, this should be a forum. This is the forum. |
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Jul 15, 2014 16:54
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Goldmine immediately |
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Jul 15, 2014 17:53
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anime gently caress pillow posted:Goldmine immediately |
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Jul 15, 2014 18:51
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Jett posted:GEORGE: See, this should be a forum. This is the forum. lmao |
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Jul 16, 2014 00:12
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JERRY, GEORGE, ELAINE, and KRAMER are sitting in their favorite booth at Pete's Luncheonette. JERRY: ...and then what did he say? GEORGE: He said "How can your conscience allow you to live in peaceful coexistence with a nation that is responsible for the tyranny and crimes committed against your own brothers and sisters? I eventually came to the conclusion that jihad against America is binding upon myself just as it is binding upon every other able Muslim." KRAMER: Allāhu Akbar! JERRY: Subhanu Wa Ta'Ala! ELAINE stays silent beneath her veil. |
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Jul 16, 2014 00:44
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CAT BRUSH posted:JERRY, GEORGE, ELAINE, and KRAMER are sitting in their favorite booth at Pete's Luncheonette. Omg |
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Jul 16, 2014 00:56
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GEORGE: Have you ehhh noticed something about Newman and Kramer lately? JERRY: Those two? No. What? Have you? GEORGE: I know they've always been good friends, but, dehhhh, well, [chortle] it might be just me, but I've noticed that they've started to sit a little too... close. And I swear one time I came back in the room and out of the corner of my eye I seem to recall seeing what could have been Kramer taking his hand off of Newman's hand quickly. JERRY: Get outta town. Kramer and Newman aren't...you know...that way. KRAMER: [bursts in through door; clothing ruffled and misbuttoned] Jerry! Quick! Can I borrow your suntan lotion? JERRY: What for? I don't think I even have any. KRAMER: Uhhhh, sunburn! [Newman giggling] |
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Jul 16, 2014 01:06
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CAT BRUSH posted:JERRY, GEORGE, ELAINE, and KRAMER are sitting in their favorite booth at Pete's Luncheonette. k you guys are going to have to stop being so good b/c i cant just quote every loving post |
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Jul 16, 2014 01:09
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beer pal posted:george walks in to jerry's apartment shaking his head. |
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Jul 16, 2014 01:18
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beer pal posted:george walks in to jerry's apartment shaking his head. |
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Jul 16, 2014 01:26
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Cosmo Kramer: Put on the fur suit! Jerry: I'm not wearing the fur suit. Cosmo Kramer: You'll be the world's first hermaphrodite fox pirate! Jerry: But I don't wanna be a hermaphrodite fox pirate! |
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Jul 16, 2014 01:28
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Mighty Stalker posted:Cosmo Kramer: Put on the fur suit! episode title "the puffy fur suit" |
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Jul 16, 2014 01:42
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George Costanza: So, did you get your new plates? Cosmo Kramer: Oh... yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates. George Costanza: What do they say? Cosmo Kramer: Cuntboy. Jerry: Cuntboy? Cosmo Kramer: Yeah. Cuntboy, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Cuntboy! Jerry: Who would order a license plate that says "Cuntboy"? Jerry: It doesn't have to be some guy who has a oval office. It could be just some guy who gets a lot of oval office. Cosmo Kramer: Actually guys, I lied. Their my plates. I..... got some work done recently. Jerry: Kramer, my god. I didn't know you were that kind of dude. George and Kramer together: Don't misgender you cis scum! [Jerry facing audience shrugs and Curb Your Enthusiasm theme begins to play] |
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Jul 16, 2014 01:56
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ive never really watched seinfeld but here u go george: ive been having trouble standing up lately, so i went to the doctor. jerry: oy vey! what for my friend. george answers the phone. its Dr. kramer. george: and dr. kramer told me its cancer! jerry: oh my god george. elaine: Dr. Kramer!! |
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Jul 16, 2014 01:56
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Cosmo Kramer: Boy, these futas are makin' me thirsty. |
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Jul 16, 2014 01:57
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my new dog posted:ive never really watched seinfeld but here u go not bad. Kramer isn't a doctor though; far from it. Let's try to work out the basic formula: Elain, George or Jerry are talking about something that annoyed them, some little facet in life many people might be able to relate to, but generally wouldn't make as big a deal out of it. It's generally George relating the problem; Jerry agreeing, but it can go both ways or even be Elaine. Kramer generally interjects randomly into the scene, with a kooky situation that the rest of the cast can react to (generally just Jerry, though). Kramer is prone to crazy, impulsive ideas, get rich schemes, ridiculous romance plans, and his apartment is a wreck, but he's always sure he has the right idea. George also has a bit of impulsive nature and will jump on fads, but generally only after the advice of someone he views as successful. His parents interfering with his life tends to be a recurring issue. Jerry is aloof but incredibly particular about what he likes or dislikes. Elaine is more down to earth generally. Kramer and Jerry are neighbors. George and Elaine are Jerry's friends, and spend a lot of time at his place for unknown reasons. The often mentioned 'Newman' is Jerry's 'nemesis' in the building, a hated neighbor and homosexual rapist. I hope this helps you with your future seinfield jokes my new dog. |
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Jul 16, 2014 02:45
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GEORGE: Wow Jerry you wouldn't believe what just happened! JERRY: You- GEORGE (interrupting): A girl responded to me on OkCupid! JERRY: Huh, that's a first. *laughter* GEORGE: Ha ha Jerry, need I remind you I've only been using it for two weeks? JERRY (disinterestedly): Good for you. GEORGE: Don't give me that, Jerry. You know as well as I do tha- What's that sound? *falsetto opera singing* JERRY: That would be Kramer. GEORGE: Oh, of course. So anyway I've got a date with her a little later tonight, what should I do? *singing intensifies* JERRY: Just be yourself. If she stays the whole night you two deserve each other. *laughter* GEORGE: Come on, this isn't one of your gigs Jerry it's my life. I'm asking you for advice, as a friend. *singing stops, hear door opening* KRAMER (falsetto voice): Jerry I've got a date tonight hope I won't see you tomorrow! Teehee. GEORGE (looking over to Kramer): Hey, me to- *camera cuts to Kramer who is dressed like a very large busty woman* *laughter, hooting* GEORGE (stunned): Welp. *faints* *laughter* KRAMER (falsetto voice): drat, no meat for mama tonight. *raucous laughter* *funky bass line* |
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Jul 16, 2014 03:28
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| ITT we realise how absurdly formulaic seinfield actually was | |
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Jul 16, 2014 03:33
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Slaapaav posted:ITT we realise how absurdly formulaic seinfield actually was much like my posting |
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Jul 16, 2014 03:36
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| # ? Apr 23, 2024 09:43 |
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MORPHEUS: The Matrix is everywhere, it's all around us, here even in this room. You can see it out your window or on your television. You feel it when you go to work, or go to church or pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth. GEORGE: I'm... not sure I'm following exactly. I thought the rabbit thing would involve free food. Boy, I am famished, you got any-- MORPHEUS: That you are a slave, Costanza. Like everyone else, you were born into bondage, kept inside a prison that you cannot smell, taste, or touch. A prison for your mind. [The leather creaks as he leans back.] GEORGE: Yeah yeah, very interesting stuff, philosophically and all. So the one with the black hair... you got dibs on that? *leans forward, whispering conspiratorially* I mean, those are some very tight pants, if you know what I'm saying. I think she likes me. Little goth for me and all, but hey, the heart wants what the heart wants, am I right J-- Morphy? MORPHEUS: [ignoring] Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself. [Morpheus opens his hands. In the right is a red pill. In the left, a blue pill.] MORPHEUS: This is your last chance. After this, there is no going back. You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed and you believe whatever you want to believe. [The pills in his open hands are reflected in the glasses.] GEORGE: Whoa... well, that all sounds pretty permanent really. I'll just... pass, no worries here, uh. I mean, I don't want to wake up in MY bed any more than the next guy or anything, but hey. MORPHEUS: [ignoring, frustrated] You take the red pill and you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes. [George stares at Morpheus. He is visibly sweating.] MORPHEUS: Remember that all I am offering is the truth. Nothing more. GEORGE: Yeah, great, good stuff. Very interesting. I'm just going to use the bathroom, that clean looking one we passed a minute ago. I'll be right back, okay? [GEORGE quickly walks down the hall, then runs for the door. An audible slam is heard. MORPHEUS sighs loudly.] |
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Jul 16, 2014 03:56
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