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Zodiac5000
Jun 19, 2006

Protects the Pack!



Doctor Rope

The Washington nationals have faith in their team, and predict a solid victory over the hated forces of the National League, following a by a strong victory over icephoenix and his twins-stealing ways.

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straight up brolic
Jan 31, 2007

After all, I was nice in ball,
Came to practice weed scented
Report card like the speed limit

:homebrew::homebrew::homebrew:



the preseason proj. clearly over-accounted for the presence of sicnarf loopstok on a roster and went haywire. I expect that I will normalize to the top of the division by the end of the season.

seiferguy
Jun 9, 2005

FLAWED
INTUITION





Toilet Rascal

I think Seattle's projection is pretty good. I felt like I got excellent value in my SPs (finding Masterson and Hellickson when I did was fortunate). Like the actual Seattle Mariners, they will struggle to score runs but pitching will keep em in.

Sexual Lorax
Mar 17, 2004

HERE'S TO FUCKING




Fun Shoe



Overall, DETROIT MEOW CITY pursued what the front office refers to as the Cookie Monster draft strategy: "PLAYER SMELL GOOD? PLAYER LOOK GOOD? PLAYER TASTE GOOD! ME DRAFT PLAYER OM NOMN OMNOM NOM NOMNOM NOM".

DMC Starters
C Wilson Ramos
1B Adrian Gonzalez
2B Brian Dozier
SS Xander Bogaerts
3B Nolan Arenado
LF Domonic Brown
CF Carlos Gomez
RF Chris Denorfia
DH Yonder Alonso

The widespread gnashing of teeth and rending of garments from the fake baseball press after DMC's high picks of Craig Kimbrel and Brian Dozier made General Manager Sexual Lorax kick the door off of his war room's hinges and demand to know what in the singular gently caress his draft staff thought they were doing. After answering every question put to them with "Intangibles," including "Where do you painthuffers want to go for lunch today?" the GM fired the entire staff and replaced them with a statistics monkey.

THE BONCH
OF Chris Young
IF Darwin Barney
C Max Stassi

The DMC statmonkey helped a great deal with middle and late round draft selections, but the front office was not above whipping it with an extension cord every time it recommended taking a starting pitcher before the ninth round. This was due to the GM's insistence that all pitchers are interchangeable nutjob mutants and that there would be plenty left later on in the draft capable of throwing somewhere vaguely around home plate after the team picked up enough "real baseball players."

Mutant Throwarms
Rick Porcello
Ricky Nolasco
Dan Straily
Felix Doubront
Chris Tillman

GM Lorax's wholesale hatefucking of the DETROIT MEOW CITY draft staff should in no way imply that he has anything but the utmost confidence in players taken high in his team's 2014 draft. In early workouts with the team, Brian Dozier especially impressed the GM, leading him to comment "I've started thinking of Chris Dozier as the heart of our team, the second coming of baseball Jesus. Not like a Hispanic Hay-Zeus, but the good Christian Jesus."

More Mutant Throwarms To Be Arbitrarily Used Later In Games
Zach McAllister
Kevin Gausman
Jason Hammel
Tanner Scheppers
Jared Burton
Manny Parra
Brad Boxberger
Craig Kimbrel

Note from DETROIT MEOW CITY legal: Please refrain from using the pejorative nickname "Tigers" when referring to DETROIT MEOW CITY. After settling the Otherkin v. Lorax case out of court in late 2012, DETROIT MEOW CITY has prided itself on taking the lead in proving that a mediocre sports team from a third world city can poo poo up a league without insulting zoo animals or headcases anywhere. Team trademarks authorized for use in the fake sporting press include "DETROIT MEOW CITY", "DETROIT (MC)", "DMC", and "The Meowtown Doziers".

Politicalrancor
Jan 29, 2008



I have a surplus of back end starters, so if you feel like your staff will be ineffective, email me at the username at gmail


E: despite the lukewarm projections, I'm pretty happy with my teams upside. My pitching could be better but my offense is pretty great all around

Politicalrancor fucked around with this message at 18:52 on Jul 14, 2014

Pander
Oct 9, 2007

Fear is the glue that holds society together. It's what makes people suppress their worst impulses. Fear is power.

And at the end of fear, oblivion.





Sexual Lorax posted:

DMC Starters
C Wilson Ramos
1B Adrian Gonzalez
2B Brian Dozier
SS Xander Bogaerts
3B Nolan Arenado
LF Domonic Brown
CF Carlos Gomez
RF Chris Denorfia
DH Yonder Alonso

THE BONCH
OF Chris Young
IF Darwin Barney
C Max Stassi
I'm still trying to figure out where 155 homers will come from out of this bunch, especially in Detroit, unless everyone simultaneously enjoys career years.

IcePhoenix
Sep 18, 2005

Take me to your Shida



Pander posted:

I'm still trying to figure out where 155 homers will come from out of this bunch, especially in Detroit, unless everyone simultaneously enjoys career years.

Ramos, Gonzalez, Alonso, Brown, and Gomez are all capable of 20+ (and that's being kind of conservtive with some of them). Dozier will probably hit 15-ish. That's 115, possibly more, so between Bogaerts, Arenado, Denorfia, and the bench you'd only need 40 more.

tadashi
Feb 20, 2006





Welcome to the Be a GM 2 Cubs preview

: Sweet Jesus! What is that thing?
: Well hello, Mark.
: Ahhh!
: Ahhhhhh!
: Ahhhhhhhhh!
: Wait, what? What's happening?
: I thought I was supposed to be introducing some players to get my DUI records sealed? Have I been drinking again? Did I die trapped in a fiery inferno in my own SUV?
: No Mark, but I was sent here to knock some years off my purgatory stay.
: OK, that totally makes sense and I will not question it from this point forward.

The Starting Rotation

: This is, uh, quite the rotation the Cubs have. Didn't Justin Verlander die or something?
: I can guarantee you I have not seen him in the afterlife.
: And Matt Harvey is out for the season? Who picked these guys?
: Well, you see Mark, what they want us to do is use math and projections and stats to talk about why these guys were picked.
: So I'm completely the right guy for this job. Anyway, what we've got here are, when healthy and not broken, two aces followed by Ulbaldo Jimenez who can strike guys out when he can find the plate.
: I'd love to find a plate of Harry Caray's spaghetti right now, Mark. I haven't eaten in over 16 years.
: Right. Rounding out the staff we've got Estrada, the hidden gem of Milwaukee's pitching staff going into this season, and Robbie Erlin who kind of seems like a left handed Edwin Jackson to me.
: Boy, back in the day, if you could find a left-handed black pitcher -
: OK, then, let's take a look at the bullpen...

The Bullpen

: Wait, I think I've heard of some of these pitchers...
: Whatever happened to Alfonseco? It's a good thing I wasn't alive when they got him. I could have never trusted a man with more fingers than me.

The Starting Lineups


: Wait, isn't that shortstop the guy who wrote that thing about gays on his eyes?
: Close, Harry, he wrote a word on his eyelids we used to call Sandberg behind his back.
: Back in my day -
: And that's enough about Yunel Escobar. This Cubs team seems to make up in defense what it lacks with the bat. That's a stone cold barrier on the left side of the infield for the Cubs and they'll have an outfield made-up of 3 center fielders, or whatever we're calling Marlon Byrd, when they face lefties. It's a little heavy from the right-handed side but hopefully the bench can help them compensate later in games. The Cubs can bring in lefty Logan Morrison to play first and move Sandoval to third, switching hitting Jonathan Villar to cover the middle infield or switch-hitting catcher Brayan Pena to catch if they want to shift Mike Napoli to first where I strongly recommend they move him soon. Ryan Raburn will also be available off the bench to play, well, anywhere they need him.
: Can anybody even remember who played third base when you were on the Cubs, Mark?
: Robots, Harry. We just hired robots.
: Holy Cow!
: I need a cigarette.
: Is there someplace I can get a scotch around here?

tadashi fucked around with this message at 12:42 on Jul 16, 2014

IcePhoenix
Sep 18, 2005

Take me to your Shida



April 16th, 2014








I'll be doing bigger posts for the ends of months with a full leaderboard and stuff.

straight up brolic
Jan 31, 2007

After all, I was nice in ball,
Came to practice weed scented
Report card like the speed limit

:homebrew::homebrew::homebrew:



and its just like I predicted folks. The legendary Sicnarf Spring Training Drag has relented and the Cardinals are already in midseason form.

e: lmao the Astros have a team obp of near .38 and an ERA of 6

straight up brolic fucked around with this message at 01:07 on Jul 16, 2014

Pander
Oct 9, 2007

Fear is the glue that holds society together. It's what makes people suppress their worst impulses. Fear is power.

And at the end of fear, oblivion.





Houston is amazing. They and their opponents are batting just under .300.

Mets :(

Wow Arizona.

For my DH lineup, I'd like Pence to DH and Martin to start in RF if possible please. Same lineup order.

Laderhan
Oct 2, 2013


Jesus christ my team is baaaaaad.

An ops of .551 holy poo poo.

Laderhan fucked around with this message at 01:17 on Jul 16, 2014

angrygodofjebus
Aug 25, 2005

Drink it up and hunker down


.595 OPS. Welp, that sure isn't going to cut it.

e: slugging .326 hahahah

Pander
Oct 9, 2007

Fear is the glue that holds society together. It's what makes people suppress their worst impulses. Fear is power.

And at the end of fear, oblivion.





angrygodofjebus posted:

.595 OPS. Welp, that sure isn't going to cut it.
You knew your team would start slow and pick up. Kids!

straight up brolic
Jan 31, 2007

After all, I was nice in ball,
Came to practice weed scented
Report card like the speed limit

:homebrew::homebrew::homebrew:



Houston is almost slugging teams' OPSs

Laderhan
Oct 2, 2013


angrygodofjebus posted:

e: slugging .326 hahahah

It could be worse, you could be slugging .292

e: haha, I just noticed I have 2 CG shutouts and yet only 3 wins :stonk:.

Laderhan fucked around with this message at 01:27 on Jul 16, 2014

angrygodofjebus
Aug 25, 2005

Drink it up and hunker down


Also, my pitching leads MLB in strike outs. 157 in 134 innings :pwn:

tatankatonk
Nov 4, 2011

Pitching is the art of instilling fear.


Dingers bitch

Pander
Oct 9, 2007

Fear is the glue that holds society together. It's what makes people suppress their worst impulses. Fear is power.

And at the end of fear, oblivion.





angrygodofjebus posted:

Also, my pitching leads MLB in strike outs. 157 in 134 innings :pwn:

wha? I see 107 over 123 IP?

e. gently caress I thought you were chicago nevermind.

Sexual Lorax
Mar 17, 2004

HERE'S TO FUCKING




Fun Shoe

angrygodofjebus posted:

Also, my pitching leads MLB in strike outs by 24. 157 in 134 innings :pwn:

DETROIT MEOW CITY...not so much.

Commish: If I still don't have anyone backing up at 3B, please throw Darwin over there If Starter Tired.

FairGame
Jul 24, 2001


See? My pitching is fine. Still in last for some reason, but give it time.

Screen Door Slams
Jan 27, 2014

Michael Pineda just couldn't stay healthy...


Brandon Moss :allears:

straight up brolic
Jan 31, 2007

After all, I was nice in ball,
Came to practice weed scented
Report card like the speed limit

:homebrew::homebrew::homebrew:



This is as good a time as any to introduce you all to your once and future rulers in a post that will in no way look like it was based on assertions from a shockingly small sample size by the end of the season.





https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ywjX6AF6oVc




The critics unanimously agree: These birds can ball!



code:
"Hey these bizarro Cardinals aren't too shabby" - jack buck

"where am I? what year is this" - dizzy dean

*verbal diarrhea* - joe buck

"I love this team!" - daryl kyle
but it's not just a group effort, lets look at the individuals that enthrall the #bestfansinbaseball #trader


The Lineup, presented by Busch Beer: Grab a Busch:





C Yadier Molina

my mom calls yadier molina her boyfriend when she watches the cardinals. does that make my step-father a "cuck"? i hope not.

1B Matt Adams

"Mt. Adams" is a national treasure and is the white Prince Fielder if Prince Fielder wasn't a loving oval office and terrible at baseball now.

2B Chase Utley



SS Jean Segura

:(

3B Matt Carpenter

generic white guy who is really good at baseball and does things. not cool, but good.

LF Khris Davis

this guy is young and hits home runs. spells khris like a loving idiot.

CF Lorenzo Cain

i would vote for anyone named lorenzo "the black chestnut" cain.

RF Nick Markakis

he's not bad at baseball.

BN Stephen Piscotty - respect.
BN Joey Gallo - hammerhead shark on cocaine. gorilla biceps. clubhouse guy. my nigga.
BN Tony Cruz Jr. - loyalty.
BN Pete Kozma - scrap.
BN Sicnarf Loopstok - giving Nitram Odarp a run for his money. The prodigal son and future prince of fake baseball.




phew! those boys can hit! expect em to crush some balls and shoot some dicks! Baseball is good stuff.

now to the rotation, affectionately referred to as "the kush kadet klub". this bionic battery-powered batch of ball throwers have all basically been preserved with the embalming fluid of computer games and a ton of weed. Johan Santana is gonna pitch 160 innings or something. gently caress yall.






SP1 Yovani Gallardo - legitimately good pitcher I think.

SP2 Johan Santana - this pitcher brought to you by computer curare and the idiocy of the orioles

SP3 Tim Lincecum - my favorite baseball player is on my favorite baseball team. thanks for letting my live out my fantasies boys. i wish we played the padres more.

SP4 Drew Smyly - left handed dude.

SP5 John Danks - BLOWING ON THAT DANK, THROWING THAT CUTTER

LR (eSP) Guillermo Moscoso - a guy that learned a lot of japanese while in the nippon league.
RHMR Kevin Quackenbush - a guy with a silly name.
LHMR Zach Phillips - a guy with a forgettable name.
RHMR Kyle Farnsworth - a guy that used to throw really fast.
LOOGY Bryan Matusz - a guy.
SU(7th+) Jason Motte - a guy that looks like a guy fieri (pronounced fee-etti) acolyte
CL(8th+) Kenley Jansen - an all around good dude.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xB5ceAruYrI

Gorman Thomas
Jul 24, 2007


Marcus Semen selection already paying dividends :getin:

Pander
Oct 9, 2007

Fear is the glue that holds society together. It's what makes people suppress their worst impulses. Fear is power.

And at the end of fear, oblivion.





Gorman Thomas posted:

Marcus Semen selection already paying dividends :getin:

That is amazing. No counting stat lead, just hitting lights out.

I wanted him btw. You bastard :(

PASS THE MASH
Oct 30, 2013




I have no idea how my team is hitting the ball so well. I feel like they're just setting me up for a huge disappointment. Also, is picking up a free agent midseason allowed?

seiferguy
Jun 9, 2005

FLAWED
INTUITION





Toilet Rascal

Chris Iannetta, player of the week. Haha.

IcePhoenix
Sep 18, 2005

Take me to your Shida



johnfw50 posted:

I have no idea how my team is hitting the ball so well. I feel like they're just setting me up for a huge disappointment. Also, is picking up a free agent midseason allowed?

Nope

kensei
Dec 27, 2007

He has come home, where he belongs. The Ancient Mariner returns to lead his first team to glory, forever and ever. Amen!



:snoop:

(It won't last)

e: PS thanks again for running this dude :hf:

kensei fucked around with this message at 03:50 on Jul 16, 2014

Zodiac5000
Jun 19, 2006

Protects the Pack!



Doctor Rope

Abel pagan is a Greek god of what I can only assume are doubles???!!!

Infidel Castro
Jun 8, 2010

Again and again
Your face reminds me of a bleak future
Despite the absence of hope
I give you this sacrifice






Hell yeah, Alex Wood leading MLB in ERA. :clint:

Zythrst
May 31, 2011

Time to join a revolution son, its going to be yooge!

Well at least Kolten Wong isn't stinking it up, but apparently the rest of my team is.

Pander
Oct 9, 2007

Fear is the glue that holds society together. It's what makes people suppress their worst impulses. Fear is power.

And at the end of fear, oblivion.





So I dave cameroned it and added up the WARs. 52 + my team's projected Zips 45.6 total WAR makes Colorado a 98 win team. Is everyone gonna be super-high based on this metric?

Ice To Meet You
Mar 4, 2007



How does ZIPS project playing time? If it's ~600 PA for everyone then obviously you're going to overestimate your bench players.

Pander
Oct 9, 2007

Fear is the glue that holds society together. It's what makes people suppress their worst impulses. Fear is power.

And at the end of fear, oblivion.





My total innings looks about right (1230 1/3 for whole staff). I think PA are high (6710, about 516 for each player on average), so yeah that'd probably explain it.

Prozach
Oct 30, 2013

When God invented Lycra, he was thinking about Divas matches.

Worst in the league. WELP.

JosefStalinator
Oct 9, 2007

Come Tbilisi if you want to live.






Grimey Drawer

3 shutouts and still only 5 wins :negative:

JosefStalinator fucked around with this message at 06:54 on Jul 16, 2014

IcePhoenix
Sep 18, 2005

Take me to your Shida



Well, that was unexpected.

The Merry Marauder
Apr 4, 2009

"But she goes not abroad, in search of monsters to destroy. She is the well-wisher to the freedom and independence of all. She is the champion and vindicator only of her own."

No-hitter?

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Sexual Lorax
Mar 17, 2004

HERE'S TO FUCKING




Fun Shoe

Tom Clancy scale terrorist attack on one of our ballparks during a game, killing everyone there except for the utility infielder who was in the can when it went off?

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