Ausmund posted:

I posted this in the thunderdome, and I'm kind of eager to see what people think as I haven't written anything in years. I wanted to post this in the Farm but it's longer than they'd like, so I guess I'll just make a new thread and post it? I love harsh constructive criticism. Use me as a punching bag, say whatever you want. Thank you.

POWER OF SEX

"I'm not giving them an ethnic name", said Natalie to Stu. "People get the wrong idea." Stu never said anything about an ethnic name and didn't understand why Natalie brought it up. The family was waiting in the hospital lobby. Natalie was sitting in a plastic chair next to an air conditioning vent coming up from the floor. The air was especially hot and dry. The inside of her nose burned. I'm with Stu here. Why did Natalie bring up "ethnic names". Who or what was she talking about? Not only is this a confusing and not terribly engaging opening, it also seems to have nothing to do with anything that follows.

Natalie didn't particularly like being around her family, she never felt comfortable around them and had a hard time relating to them. Natalie was studying mathematics and enjoyed things like puzzles, solving equations, Rubik's cubes, chess, hardcore Sudoku, that dumb triangle game you can play at Cracker Barrel while you wait for your food. This bore the rest of the family, who were usually into things like sports and celebrity gossip. Pointless exposition that has no impact on the story about a character you've given us no reason to care about. Also I really can't emphasize enough that a story about someone sitting around and feeling bored is almost guaranteed to be boring.

Well actually Natalie didn't really know what they were into, she wasn't thoughtful enough to ever ask. The only thing close to a relationship she had was with her little brother, Stu. "How much longer do you think we have to wait?" Stu asked Natalie "We haven't seen the doctor in a while, I hope Paul is doing okay."

Natalie had seldom been to a hospital before. She couldn't remember why she came along. Her family faded around her and she was lost in her own mind. She flashed back to the time she broke her nose playing softball. Her nose poured like a red waterfall. Everyone in the audience heard the crack of the ball impacting her now crooked nose. She dropped to her knees. She didn't need to cry, but this pain was in her sinuses she got up and walked to the dugout where her teammates and coach were concerned. Natalie's then sister came by and
explained to the concerned patrons that she was prone to nose bleeds somehow not taking into account that she was just hit in the loving face with a pop fly. The sun had gotten into her eyes. Wearing her cap backwards trying to look cool had foiled her. Her sister and uncle rushed her to the emergency room. Natalie was still in pain, but she couldn't get over her sister's ridiculously stupid comment. "Well she's prone to nose bleeds." We have no reason to be interested in your protagonist which makes this flashback uninteresting. There's no compelling set up earlier in the story and as a result this exposition is boring.

Natalie drifted back to the present. She had been to the hospital that one time, but she didn't remember it specifically. She must of been what? Thirteen? She had been sitting in this barren lobby for so long. Natalie wanted to attempt to socialize with her family to kill the boredom. She was trying to think of something practical and relatable. She didn't want to give her family the wrong idea, even though she didn't like their company anyhow. We're well into the story and so far nothing has happened! The character is sitting around and feeling bored, and the most exciting thing that happened so far was a totally inconsequential flashback.

Why oh why did she leave her notebook at home? What was going through her head? Natalie lost interest in time. She lost interest in her puzzles and her art. Natalie lost interest in everything. The whole world seemed timeless and she was just existing in it. She wasn't tired but felt like she needed sleep. She began to ponder, "Was this a bad feeling or a good feeling? I could be in pain or sick so this must be a good feeling then? Is there something wrong with me? I wish there was someone in my family I could talk to. I can't seem to depend on anyone." Character may or may not be feeling an emotion but can't even tell. Why should your reader care? Why should your reader even keep reading?

"Hey Stu" Natalie tried to form a smile, "Something's bothering me, is it okay if I talk to you about it? You don't have to if you don't want t-"

"No, no that's fine, you can talk to me about anything." Stu replied trying his best to put on an approachable concerned face.

"Do you enjoy this? Do you enjoy family gatherings like this? I know we're at the hospital but do you like being around the family like this?"

"Of course I do" Stuart said, puzzled but not trying to show it, "who doesn't?"

"If I don't like being around my own family, what does that say about me?" Natalie argued.

"Well we've been trying to get you to fly up here for the past couple of months, even buying you plane tickets. I don't understand why being around family makes you so uncomfortable."

"Well, uncomfortable and just... well boring. I feel like I wasted a whole week of my paid vacation being here. I made a huge mistake and I'm never coming up here again." Natalie's Uncle Rob was eaves dropping and intervened, "You really need to lighten up and actually have some fun. Everyone is getting sick of your whining." When a new person starts speaking you should start a new paragraph. This, and various other small errors I've noticed, leads me to suspect you didn't bother to do any real proof reading before submitting this story.

"I'm not whining about anything. I'm having a private conversation with my brother, this has nothing to do with you."

"Just make an effort. Actions speak louder than words. It's your demeanor. You're like a five year old that doesn't want to go to kindergarten. You're a grown rear end women and you can't spend time with family?"

"I don't have to do anything I don't want to. And there's nothing wrong with that."

"Why won't you go to Uncle Paul's wedding? Who doesn't like going to weddings? Especially a girl! Just be a normal member of the family just for once."

"I said I don't want to go."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to."

"But why???? They're consenting adults! Everyone deserves to get married! You have a lot of growing up to do, you act like a spoiled teenager. You have everything in life. Don't listen to the propaganda a-"

Aunt Cleopatra intervened, "Rob stop yelling, the cafeteria is right out that door, get something to eat and cool down." Rob gave Natalie a dirty look, mumbled what sound like "oval office" and slowly paced out of the lobby hall.

Cleopatra turned to Stu, "Please go with me and help me deal with your Uncle, he really looks up to you, ever since he was ten years old." The uncle looks up to the nephew? I can't tell if this was an intentional twist to grab my attention or just sloppiness on your part.

The rest of the family began engaging in conversation with each other when Paul walked out from the doctor's office looking distressed, "Okay time to go, now!" he said clearly shaken up. "Looking distressed" is one of the many examples of you telling us a character's emotion rather than showing it through dialogue or description.

"Something go wrong with the blood test?" Aunt Michelle inquired, "They aren't suppose to look at genes, just for toxins and diseases."

"Isn't that like, uh, unconstitutional?" Uncle Sylvester blurted out trying to sound
intelligent and topical.

"Does anyone here actually understand how testing blood actually works?" Natalie asked the group.

Suddenly, the doctor marched into the waiting room looking extremely angry, scolding the group, Once again you're telling us someone's emotional state rather than showing it. "Absolutely disgusting. I can't believe what I'm seeing! Absolutely despicable. To take advantage of a device meant to help premature newborns in order to launder age and genes... I'm going to loving vomit." Huh? What? Huh? :???:

Uncle Sylvester, Aunt Michelle, Aunt Cleopatra got up from there seats and looked at the doctor antagonistically. Uncle Rob returned to the lobby hearing the commotion from the cafeteria. You forgot an "and" here, which is another thing that even a basic proof read should have caught. Did you even reread this story after you finished it? Also telling us they looked at the doctor "antagonistically" is another example of telling rather than showing.

"We don't want to be like you!" Aunt Michelle said aggressively to the doctor. Telling instead of showing. I also have no idea what she is talking about.

Uncle Sylvester attempted to back up Aunt Michelle, "This here clan isn't taking part in this fondu-melting pot bullshit. We don't need other cheeses, we want to stay cheddar cheese, EXTRA SHARP EXTRA WHITE!!! In a completely different context this line could have been funny I guess. As it stands its just weird.

Aunt Michelle began stroking her hair, taunting the good doctor "I love my blonde straight hair, I don't need that nappy dark yarn crap you call a head of hair."

Natalie, standing behind Aunt Michelle, noticed she was forming a bald spot on the top back of her head.

Uncle Rob began groping Aunt Cleopatra, much to her delight, "And you can't get a pair of hooters like this anywhere else but in this tree! Honk Honk!" Aunt Cleopatra giggled.

Uncle Sylvester started spouting his terrible opinion as well, "I remember a time when this country used to have multiple races, just like certain breed of dogs, but then that loving shitwave of goddamned-motherfucking-cocksucking-french speaking Haitians had to come in and ruin it all for everyone."

Natalie and Stu glanced at each other. Stu couldn't hid his disdain from Natalie anymore. They each understood each other's embarrassment, and felt the shame of their origins. Disgusting monsters not meant to be. They could want something more, but there genetics can't be changed, not even with this high tech aging acceleration-ma-jig. A living logical contradiction. A paradox. Huh?

Aunt Cleopatra pushed back her bangs from her unwashed beehive hair and pointed at her eyes "I love my emerald green eyes" Aunt Cleopatra said, accidentally spouting a little spit.

The doctor spoke up, "I'm calling the police." and stormed out of the lobby. What?

Paul, still shaken up and panicky barked orders once again, "Guys, we need to get out of here now. Family fun-time is over, let's go, let's go! Come on! Come on!". More telling instead of showing. It's getting redundant to even bother pointing this out.

The family left the lobby room one by one. Rob was holding the door open for everyone else who was walking out single file. Uncle Rob noticed Natalie staring at a poster of a happy couple with a baby.

"Natalie, Natalie! Come on! No time for your mopey garbage!"

The AC cut back on, stronger and louder than ever. Dry air hit Natalie in the face as she was standing over the vent. She could feel her nose beginning to tickle.

"Natalie! Natalie!"

Drops fell onto her upper lip. "Please be a runny nose please be a runny nose." She examined the liquid on her right index finger. Figures, it was blood.

"Ahahah" laughed Uncle Rob "Cooze face is having her period again, AHAHAHAHA! I thought you weren't supposed to get periods anymore AHAHAAHA." Uncle Rob walked outside still laughing like an rear end.

A drop of blood hung from Natalie's index finger and landed on her white blouse.

"Motherfucker..." she muttered.